:-( He cheated.

[Iowa Lizzy]

Wow, blacksand, your story sounds like bits and pieces of myself in broken relationships. Thank you for sharing that. Really. It''s so hard to look back at yourself when you thought you were doing things out of love, isn''t it? I always thought "I wish "Future TG" could come here and tell me everything will be okay."

Parsley, if "Future Parsley" could have a chat with you, she''d tell you that eventually you wised up and ditched this guy and you''re doing GREAT now. Trust me. Don''t waste anymore time with this man who has BROKEN YOUR HEART than you already have to.

Go buy "It''s Called A Breakup Because it''s Broken" and read it cover to cover. Then read it again.

I''m thinking about you.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Parsley, how old are you and your ex-boyfriend? I am curious because I think age/ maturity has a lot to do with whether or not a "cheater will always be a cheater"

I dated my high school boyfriend for three years and then kissed another boy on a ski trip my first semester in college. (oh, the days when kissing was a big deal!) That was soooo disrespectful to a boy who had treated me with such love and consideration, and I can''t believe I acted so shamefully! I certainly wouldn''t do that to my husband now. I have a very good friend who''s husband once cheated on her with an ex while they were dating. He was still in college, and she had just graduated and moved away. When they got back together, they both knew it was because they wanted to marry each other, and they did. I may have railed against the "scumbag" when he cheated on her, but by the time they were eventually married, I had no doubts as to his fidelity. He had grown up, and I now believe he is a wonderful husband and soon-to-be father.


That being said, I don''t really see yours as this sort of situation. The way he treated you AFTER the breakup may be even worse than the fact that he cheated on you with your friend. Honestly, people show you who they are when they have nothing to gain from you; at that point he felt that he had nothing to gain from you... and he showed you that he is a self-centered and callous individual.

You are "taking it slow" and not "together" and don''t plan on being "together" for at least a month. My prediction: he dates other girls, sleeps with them behind your back, and then when it comes out, he exclaims, "but we weren''t together! I''m not your boyfriend, so I didn''t really cheat on you!"


YUCK.

 

[ArtistJess]

Parsley, ultimately it is your decision to make, and nobody else's.. but I do want to say that I have been in your exact same shoes. Dated a guy I thought I might marry. We were together around 2 years. We broke up numerous times because I found out he was cheating on me with my best friend. Every time we got back together, he promised me that he had changed and everything would be different, and it was.. for about a month. Then he would start cheating again. It got so bad that it became a destructive relationship, mentally, emotionally, and a time or two, even physically. It was the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life. I finally got enough courage to call it quits for good, and it was the best thing I've ever done for myself. There was pain, and I missed him, but truthfully it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. After a while, I even felt a sense of relief.

We got in a terrible fight a few weeks after we broke up, because we were still trying to be friends, etc.. (which didn't work) and he admitted to me that he had been cheating on me for over a year with several different people. I honestly wasn't that surprised.

I took some time for myself, to heal, regain strength, and figure out that I was worth way more than that. I wrote on my mirror in lipstick the phrase, "let him go" and every morning I saw that and eventually did let him go. It just took time.. and I allowed myself that time.

I am happily married now and can't, for the life of me, imagine why I ever stayed so long with someone who was so destructive. I am not saying that YOU are in my shoes, or that your relationship is the same as my past relationship, just urging you to keep your eyes wide open and think with your head instead of heart. Best of luck to you, dear.

 

[Porridge]

Oh gosh Parsley how awful for you. I''m so sorry.

I have to echo the other posters here - ditch the loser just like you ditched your "friend". His behaviour is appaling. He is showing a complete lack of respect for you and a profound selfishness. I can''t quite get my head around how he convinced you that going slowly would be the right thing to do...I mean, essentially he gets to take a huge step back from the relationship, put in a lot less effort, and get away with it?? He gets exactly what he wants, what do you get? And how exactly is a relationship worth saving if you guys can''t even live together??

I completely understand that all you want is for him to realise how much he hurt you, for him to feel sorry, for him to want to fix it. I get the feeling of not wanting to give up until you get what you want, thinking that he will come around, he''ll magically morph into the person who will love you and respect you and everything will be back to what it was. Except it was never really like that.

I agree with lulu - your signature line always bothered me too. It seems you''ve gotten used to feeling the intensity of pain as a kind of proof that you are in love. Or something like that, I''m not a psychologist. I urge you to see someone and sort that out.

Come on Parsley. You''re better than this loser. Don''t waste any more time on feeding his ego. Move on, move up, start treating yourself with the respect you deserve.

 

[beebrisk]

Your boyfriend is one lucky man!! Really, he''s hit the jackpot. He now has his cake and gets to eat it too...All while you ring your hands and give him much more thought, caring and energy than he gave you.

What guy wouldn''t want to have his "girlfriend" within arms reach and continue to have all the freedom he wants to do whatever else he wants when you''re not around?? A *decent* guy, that''s who!

Get over the hurt now...move on with your life...don''t worry about "showing him yourself again" and find a guy that would never, even for a moment, consider sleeping with your best friend.

Good luck. I know it hurts, but he and your best friend don''t deserve another minute of your time.

 

[hoofbeats95]

Parsley hasn''t been on here in quite some time. I''m hoping everything is ok?

 

[blingbunny10]

Date: 6/14/2010 9:07:35 PM
Author: hoofbeats95
Parsley hasn''t been on here in quite some time. I''m hoping everything is ok?

It''s been 2 or 3 days since she posted on this thread. I think things are probably rough, but going as well as she''d hoped? Like many others, I am wary of Parsley''s decision to forgive and reenter the relationship, but I know these things aren''t always black-and-white.

 

[luckynumber]

well, i wouldnt trust any man who slept with my best friend. Ever.

hope parsley made the right decision.

 

[trillionaire]

I was propositioned by the boyfriend of a best friend of mine, who was a housemate. We literally shared a wall in our house, my friend and I. I will never know what the guy was thinking. It was via email, so I never confronted him about it. I printed it out and gave it to her. I NEVER FORGAVE HIM for the way that he made her feel. NEVER. That is what friends do.

And boyfriends that cheat are not men, they are juveniles. Seriously. I''ve been with my man for nearly 7 yrs. If he cheated on me, I would never speak to him again. He would be dead to me, as he deserved to be. I would still keep in touch with his family though, and all of his friends.

Living well really is the best revenge

 

[Autumnovember]

I really don''t think this is a good idea.

I''m sorry, but cheating on me with my best friend could quite possibly be the worst scenario possible with the exception of cheating on me with my mom or something absurd like that.

I just think that if he was capable of doing this once to you, I would never put it past him doing it again...except this time, being more sneaky about it and making sure you never ever find out.

It is your prerogative so you are obviously free to do as you please.

I just think this is going to turn out badly again.

 

[AdiS]

Parsley, I''ve been following this thread for a while now. Please forgive me if I sound harsh and too straightforward, for I''m going to tell you exactly what I told one of my best friends, when she was in your situation a few years ago.

What you''re doing now is giving the jerk a free pass. He did the unthinkable, the most horrible thing, straight out of each woman''s nightmares, sleeping with your best friend, and he''s got away with it. And he didn''t even have to work for it. It wasn''t even a one night thing with lots of alcohol involved (not that it''d be much better, but still). It was happening again and again, behind your back, with him being in full possession of his (obviously limited) mind and intelligence. He knew what this''d do to you if you found out. He still did it. And when you did find out, did he build up a camp outside your front door, crying, begging, grovelling, showering you with roses and gifts, singing you serenades and threatening to shoot himself in the head if you don''t talk to him and hear him out? Did he even call you, Parsley?

You called him. And he asked what you wanted to talk about. Then you went to see him. Well, Parsley, honestly, you were too cruel to this poor guy.

My friend actually got back together with her bf. You know what my hubby asked then? "And why would this guy even think twice the next time he''s got an opportunity to cheat again? He now knows she''ll forgive him no matter what he does." And guess what? Hubby was right, of course.

Again, I hope you won''t think I''m out of line here, because I really say this with your best interest in mind. I wish you good luck, Parsley, and much deserved happiness.

 

[lilyfoot]

Parlsey, I''m still thinking about you, and hoping you''ll come back with an update.

 

[Parsley]

Nothing really to update. It was a one off thing, with lots of alcohol. It doesn''t make it better, but I wanted to clear that up.

I still feel awful each and every day, and hope you all realise I''ve not made this decision lightly, nor absolutely. I am trying to take each day as it comes, and that is more than I am able to handle.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 6/17/2010 9:42:58 AM
Author: Parsley
Nothing really to update. It was a one off thing, with lots of alcohol. It doesn''t make it better, but I wanted to clear that up.

I still feel awful each and every day, and hope you all realise I''ve not made this decision lightly, nor absolutely. I am trying to take each day as it comes, and that is more than I am able to handle.

Oh, I didn''t realize that (because of your first post in this thread).

It''s good to hear from you, Parsley. I hope you are doing whatever is right for yourself, and I hope you won''t stop writing to us here.

 

[Parsley]

It is something that has been clarified for me since it happened.

I don''t know how much I''ll update, I''m not handling all this well at all. I''ve lost nearly a stone since, still cry every day, have nightmares, and my thoughts have strayed to a very dark place indeed.

Like I said, I know it''s not going to be easy, and I have no qualms about changing my mind on this if I feel that''s the best decision. I will let you know if anything of note happens, and will try and stay around, but it''s very difficult to visit this board at all.

P
xx

 

[lulu]

Nothing really to update. It was a one off thing, with lots of alcohol. It doesn''t make it better, but I wanted to clear that up

Sweetie, just because he said that doesn''t make it true.

 

[Indylady]

Parsley, hugs and more hugs!! A dark place is not where I want to see you. Please take care of your self and surround yourself with friends and family. No updates necessary! If you need hugs, just let us know. I promise I won''t give advice, criticize, etc. I''m just here if you need any support, and that''s all.

 

[Autumnovember]

I understand it is hard for you to visit the board but I just hope you take into serious consideration that it was not only one person advising you not to go back to him, but at least ten of us.

I think it's difficult for you to come here and see what people are suggesting you do because I really do think deep down in your heart you know accepting him back in your life is not the right thing to do.

I hope everything works out for you...one way or another.

I do feel very very awful for what you went through so I hope you're able to come out of the dark place you're in. I must say however, that you will undoubtedly be back in this same spot in the future. I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings but I think sometimes things are best understood without any sugar coating involved.

The alcohol thing, really doesn't make me feel any different about the entire situation. It is easy to lie, just like he did before. Not only that, but if this happened multiple times with her then he was clearly meeting up with her while he was sober with full knowledge of what was going to happen each time. The alcohol just made it easier.


PLEASE put yourself first.

That being said, I will not give my advice any further as I think you have made up your mind and you do not want to hear it anymore.

 

[RaiKai]

Parsley,

I really think you need to talk to a counselor. As I said before, I don''t think you should make ANY decisions about trying to reconcile until you have gotten into a healthier place.

The only other thing I will say is I agree with Autumn''s post right above this one of mine.

 

[16ocean]

Parsley . . . .wanted to send you hugs and healing love from my corner of the world. This experience may be one of the most emotionally challenging things you have to go through.

I ditto the sentiment "PLEASE put yourself first."

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 6/17/2010 11:03:25 AM
Author: Parsley
It is something that has been clarified for me since it happened.

I don''t know how much I''ll update, I''m not handling all this well at all. I''ve lost nearly a stone since, still cry every day, have nightmares, and my thoughts have strayed to a very dark place indeed.

I don''t like the sound of this ONE LITTLE BIT. Parsley, you need to talk to someone. Someone in your real life and tell them about your "dark thoughts".

Things like this seem permanent ... like your life is going down a bad path -- but in retrospect it will be just a blip on your radar. A snag in the road. I know it doesn''t feel that way right now and that your whole world is collapsing. It doesn''t have to. It won''t feel this way forever. And there are many, many, many men out there -- like 95% of men who would never sleep with your best friend. YOU DESERVE ONE OF THEM.

Reach out to your friends and family and, hopefully, a professional. You are not alone. People care about you. Even total strangers.

 

[Hera]

Date: 6/17/2010 11:03:25 AM
Author: Parsley
It is something that has been clarified for me since it happened.


I don''t know how much I''ll update, I''m not handling all this well at all. I''ve lost nearly a stone since, still cry every day, have nightmares, and my thoughts have strayed to a very dark place indeed.


Like I said, I know it''s not going to be easy, and I have no qualms about changing my mind on this if I feel that''s the best decision. I will let you know if anything of note happens, and will try and stay around, but it''s very difficult to visit this board at all.


P

xx

Could these nightmares, crying and dark thoughts be trying to tell you something? I know you probably don''t want to hear the negativity about your staying too much, but I hope you will give it more consideration.

 

[Porridge]

Ditto heraanderson. I used to have nightmares and anxiety and all that in my last relationship, which wasn''t like me at all. Like you said earlier, I didn''t feel like "the real me".

Please remember Parsley, this is not your fault. Nothing you could have done warrents his absolutely disgraceful actions. And all this "one night, loads of alcohol" crap is just rubbish. Didn''t you find all this out by catching them in the pub, all over each other?

You don''t have to prove anything here. He does. I really hope you start to feel better soon, and I hope you stick around.

 

[Parsley]

Girls, I've taken your advice. He hasn't treated me well at all, especially recently. Saying I was badgering him and hassling him. I don't need someone like that in my life, even as an acquaintance. I've deleted his number, his messages, deleted him from facebook, and the friends of his that I had on facebook. I wish I could bleach his email address from my brain, but I will just have to rely on stopping myself if I ever feel tempted.

I can't believe how much this hurts, I am trying to look forward, but it's looking impossible. Every moment is effort, I cry constantly, and I just don't know how to cope, cause I'm just not.

 

[decodelighted]

I know its hard to see right now but this feeling is very TEMPORARY. With just a few days or maybe weeks of clarity you'll start to feel like "you" again and then you'll get ANGRY. ANGER is what is going to help you heal & realize that it isn't *him* you're losing but who you thought he was. This gives you the chance to find someone REAL. Someone who really, really IS who you think they are and who would NEVER be caught in a pub with your "friend".

Experiences like this don't break us. They MAKE us ... form who we are and teach us how to weather the inevitable storms of life. They also teach us how to better predict who is a liar ... who is a cheat ... who is fake ... what kind of treatment we want for ourselves.... what we will & will not accept.

CONGRATUALTIONS for drawing your own line in the sand. I GUARANTEE you'll have a better life for it. And an earlier start on that new life -- more time to meet the guy you're supposed to be with. One who won't leave you up crying & anxious. One who makes you feel like your best "you" ... not someone else altogether.

GOOD LUCK & A big HUG.

 

[RaiKai]

Girls, I've taken your advice. He hasn't treated me well at all, especially recently. Saying I was badgering him and hassling him. I don't need someone like that in my life, even as an acquaintance. I've deleted his number, his messages, deleted him from facebook, and the friends of his that I had on facebook. I wish I could bleach his email address from my brain, but I will just have to rely on stopping myself if I ever feel tempted.

I can't believe how much this hurts, I am trying to look forward, but it's looking impossible. Every moment is effort, I cry constantly, and I just don't know how to cope, cause I'm just not.

Hey Parsley,

Yours is the first post I am replying to on 2.0!

I am very happy to hear from you (been wondering how things were going) and while I know this all hurts, I am VERY happy to hear you are moving forward in your life and leaving this relationship (and this guy behind you).

It won't be easy, but you can do it.

And I will again stress that I really, really, REALLY think you should go talk to a counselor right now if you are having trouble knowing how to cope or how to look forward. Seriously, as scary as it is, it will be a tremendous gift - that will benefit you throughout your life - to yourself.

 

[lulu]

Anytime you feel like contacting him just focus on the ugliest thing he ever did to you. You will come out the other end, just hang in there.

 

[sunnyd]

Good for you, Parsley! I'm really happy to hear this. Yeah it sucks right now, but you will get over him. If you get tempted to contact him, just remember how he showed you his true ugly colors time and time again. Best of luck to you!

 

[Steel]

Sorry Honey.

But I'm more sorry you are taking it so harshly. This will pass and you will get to a day when you cannot remember his number or e-mail; even if you wanted to.

 

[Anonymous]

Oh hun I'm sorry that it turns out that he really is a rotten jack-@ss. I know it's not much coming from a complete stranger, but I've been reading your thread(s) for a while and I genuinely feel that you deserve (and WILL HAVE) a wonderful man in your life that treats you respectfully and loves you every moment of your life.

In the meantime, I really, REALLY hope that you'll strongly consider counseling. I've been through a similar situation when I was younger, and it wasn't until I sought out professional help to sort through the pain and anger (years later, unfortunately) that I was able to move forward with my life.

Right now you're grieving - and because you went back to him, it's going to take longer to get through to the other side of it. I'm not saying this to be harsh or in an "I told you so" way. I'm saying this so you hopefully will keep things in perspective. You have a wound that's been ripped open again. So be gentle with yourself, and keep reminding yourself that this WILL pass. He is NOT your life, or your whole world. You're a strong, beautiful (inside and out, I'm sure!) woman and you have so many years of happiness ahead of you.

I wish you all of the kindness, inner peace (you need this to move forward) and *hugs* in the world. I wish I could deliver the last part in person, but this will have to do.