Have a visitor coming for 5 days - tips to cope please

[CJ2008]

Hi all - it's a little late right now but wanted to give you all a quick update since you all gave me some awesome suggestions (and Enerchi I was such touched that you were thinking of me!)

She didn't get here until about 9:30 PM so the full day 5 days really start tomorrow.

I did found out that she sleeps until about 12 I wouldn't even have thought of finding that out if it wasn't for you guys so thank you!

She is definitely chatty but she does seem like a sweet girl. They are watching a movie right now I explained that I was tired and need to get up early tomorrow so I came to bed. Half down 5 to go.

I'll write better tomorrow.

 

[Enerchi]

Sleeps till noon?? perfect!!! No need to 'poke the bull' and get her up any earlier! (or if you do, DH can deal with it!)

It sounds like it should work out well - she's pumped about the time away from home and happy to see her uncle, she'll be tired on the first day, today being Friday, then your DH can be in charge for the w/e.... really won't have to worry till Monday and that'll be a couple of days to see how things pan out by then. Yippee - not too terrible in theory!

Hang in there!!

 

[minousbijoux]

I wouldn't be surprised that once you get to know her a bit, that you find something in common that you wouldn't mind doing with her. I can see it working out that you get up, have a few hours to yourself, then she gets up, and you and/or DH say good morning, sit with her for a bit, then assume she will need time to wake up/shower/put on makeup/text friends/surf the net or whatever (more time to yourself). That will take up some time. Then, its either on DH to entertain her, or if its a day he works, then maybe it can be the day you all do the activity you have (hopefully) discovered you have in common. By then, it will be late afternoon/early evening. I don't know what you normally do for dinner, but hopefully, you can rope her into helping prepare dinner (either it will be the fastest way to have a teenager disappear, or she will really help - either way, you win ). Then you eat dinner, you do your normal cleanup, and time for you to announce you have work to do and leave. Conversely (I'm an extrovert so consider the source), you can all watch a video together. Then it really is a typical bedtime so you can go off and she can stay up on her cell phone or quietly with the tv if it doesn't bother you...already a day gone.

I have been following this post, and really hoping everything is working out better for you than you anticipated

Please another report if you can muster it...

 

[sillyberry]

I just saw this thread -- I know you're already started, but one other suggestion is a big jigsaw puzzle. Puzzles are what I consider communally solitary. Not a lot of conversation is required, but you're still together interacting, and it isn't something like a movie where you can't talk if you want to. I know not everyone is a fan, but I love them!

Hope all goes well!

 

[kenny]

 

[CJ2008]

Where do I start?

First, with letting you know how much your advice has helped me. I took something away from each and every one of you and the things you recommended or asked me to think about. Plus I didn't feel like I was alone (or completely nuts). Thank you all so much.

Second...

I've had some serious downs - mostly the first day DH went to work all day I went into a little bit of a panic mode and the first couple of days in the morning I wanted to hide and never come out of the bedroom. Seriously. And there were times where I really felt I had nowhere to hide and resented having to worry about it. And the first or second day I had moments where I was like "OMG the days feel LONG and we still have THREE more full days to GO?" But overall it's been much more manageable - and dare I say pleasant - than I thought.

The negatives:

a)she's very, very chatty
b)she's super smart so at times is a bit of a know-it-all (then again I started thinking this must be a teenager thing whether or not they're smart, right?) to the point that it's tiring because she's constantly correcting or adding to what people say. She seems judgmental (is that a common teenager thing too?) about everything and makes comments like "at home we don't eat that" "that's not how we do it" "I hate cereal" etc.
c)she's clingy
d)she has NOT been sleeping until 12 - she's been getting up at 9
e)blurts out loud comments at the movies (DH did tell her to quiet down - but still - even when she would whisper, that still means she's TALKING. At the movies. arrggghh)

The positives:

a)she's chatty. Yes, I'm listing a negative as a positive - so she's fun to talk to because you don't have to pull teeth to have a conversation
b)LOVES LOVES LOVES to read so she can immerse herself in a book for hours (did that today) and while we were in the car on our way to a park. I so LOVE someone who can embrace silence. I think she's a total introvert in the making.
c)she's a sweet girl
d)super smart and opinionated - will get her far in life. She just needs to know when to pull out those cards and when to keep them a little more subtle and not correct people - might come with age and experience.
e)has been very respectful of our home and the 2-3 times I've "corrected" her on anything (very minor stuff - like not rinsing the shower so that there's a dirt ring behind) she was a little embarrassed but accepting. I made sure I did it in a very loving tone and as a chance for her to learn something, not as a scolding in any way.
f)DH has been sensible with $ - we haven't held back at all - took her to the movies, out to eat almost every night, the zoo, boat ride, etc. - but we also cooked at home one night and for lunch we're doing sandwiches and stuff like that. And this is without me interfering - as per Gypsy's advice - except to make restaurant suggestions.
g)she hasn't been that moody (which I had been expecting) at all

So overall, she's been a very nice houseguest. Hope I don't jinx myself for the last 3 days.

 

[Enerchi]

That's a great update, CJ!!! You are on a roll - you can do it! you'll get thru this with flying colours... and then beat the crap out of DH should he suggest it EVER again!!! (I'm kidding!!!! really!!!)

Hmmm, she does seem a little more 'involved' than most of the teenagers I've dealt with or had thru our place - and my DH has a LOT Of girls thru here (I think she knows about a bazillion people!) Great that she can enjoy spending time reading, that's a huge bonus. Would the newspaper appeal to her? If you have daily delivery, that could be helpful...

I hope it goes smoothly for the last 3 days and I'm glad to hear from you and know you are surviving!

 

[Gypsy]

I was one that ran off at the mouth too. And opinionated and judgemental too (I know, the shock is killing you ). It came from insecurity for me. The more obnoxious I was, the more insecure I was. If I felt accepted and loved and wanted and secure I started to shut up and calm down. So I don't know if your niece is that way, but if as it seems like she is mellowing a bit (reading and being silent) as time goes on and she gets more comfortable, try giving her compliments and see if that calms her down more. Or just hug her or ruffle her hair, that stuff can be even better than words in making someone feel accepted.

When I'm really running off at the mouth (I still do it) I take a deep breath and remind myself of all of my friends who love me and accept me and of my DH as well, and tell myself I'm not that scared little girl any more and to calm down. It works. But it takes time.

I do this with my nieces too. I randomly hug them or put an arm around them (or put my hand over their mouth and tell them to conserve air). But in general, make sure I give them positive validation when I like what they are doing (I love that you are a reader too! What are you reading? and then show interest), and jokingly or lovingly correct them when they aren't (one of mine was 'helping' us paint our bedroom once and decided to paint her FEET. The promptly FORGOT her feet were wet and walked off the drop cloth onto the hard wood floors. She was FOURTEEN and her 10 year old sister was the one who told her she was an idiot. I just told her to start scrubbing and praying.)

 

[CJ2008]

and my DH has a LOT Of girls thru here

I know you meant to say DD Enerchi

But all kidding aside there's a part of me that wants to resist admitting it wasn't horrible - to myself or to DH - I think I'm afraid that would encourage a flood of visitors...

I haven't been around tons of teenagers, but I do think that in general she seems to be at a different "level" than most. She actually seems to enjoy adults. To a certain point of course. She also does have a short attention span - if you talk a second too long, she lets you know it. But she just seems advanced for her age.

Gypsy - I'm not quite there yet as far as wanting to show emotion. I have definitely shown interest in what she likes (I did ask her how the book was, did pay her some compliments when she looked nice, etc.) but I am not at the "hug" stage yet...but I will try to keep that in mind and see if I can find a reason to want to genuinely hug her. I do think affection is so important.

And yes - smart and opinionated (maybe she'll be a great lawyer or judge! You are a lawyer, right, Gypsy?) is both in my negatives and the positives list. PITA to deal with (it's easier to deal with easygoing "yes" types - but will be useful to her and glad to see this trait in her.

 

[Enerchi]

um...yes, my DD has a lot of friends over.

my DH has really cut down on the amount of girls he brings home tho!
(proof reading should be something I pay more attention obviously )

 

[Gypsy]

And yes - smart and opinionated (maybe she'll be a great lawyer or judge! You are a lawyer, right, Gypsy?) is both in my negatives and the positives list. PITA to deal with (it's easier to deal with easygoing "yes" types - but will be useful to her and glad to see this trait in her.

Actually it can be a hindrance. People who talk too much usually aren't really good at listening. A lawyer's job is to persuade, not to argue. And to persuade you need to know how to listen. People who are too opinionated and judgmental can have bullying tendencies and those can be counter productive in law. You can't bludgeon someone into buying your version of events. Pursuation is an art, and usually the ones who are best at it are the quiet kids who watch from the side, not the ones front and center waiving their hands about for attention. The ones who appear at first glance to be easy going, because they are smiling and agreeing with you, but when-- once you analyze it (if you ever do) you realize maneuvered you into doing exactly what they wanted. That's the one you want to send to law school.

Also, in my experience, the best lawyers are smart. But they are also diligent with a high tolerance for boredom. They are the smart kids who did all their homework, not the ones tried to outsmart doing homework.

That's not to say that there aren't a lot of talkative judgmental opinionated lawyers out there. There are. But they usually aren't the most successful and well adjusted ones.

Talkative and judgmental is good for for a radio personality, a Diva TV host, and other careers in that vein.

 

[CJ2008]

All good points as far as what being a good lawyer really requires Gypsy. And, I did ask her yesterday if she ever thought she would like to be a lawyer and she said no - she has no interest in it. I do still think that it is more useful to her than a hindrance - but perhaps I subconsciously associate that outward demeanor with self-confidence - and you did day that at least for you, it (often) arises from insecurity.

DH is working but should be here to pick her up soon and then they'll be gone all day...so...all by myself for a while at least.

 

[decodelighted]

I visited my aunt & uncle as a teen and they put me to work. LOL! Well, they offered me the chance to "earn some spending $$" while I was there -- which I gratefully accepted because I didn't have much to do during the days when they were both working ... AND ... summer jobs were hard to come by back at home. I remember washing cars, polishing silver, ironing shirts, folding laundry, dusting, straightening. Dunno ... they had a whole list of options & $$ amounts prepared when I got there. Honestly, this wasn't weird in my family. My grandmother (on the other side of the family) also paid us for doing housework from time to time. Anyway: it made me feel more accomplished & able to buy myself a few things on some planned fun outings.

Couple fun things we did that I remember: FLEA MARKET and COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAME. Two things I'd never done before. Maybe it would help you tolerate the visit & even look forward to it a little if you think about what you can introduce her to that NO ONE ELSE IN THE FAMILY WOULD. What's your unique contribution to her perspective or her life experience. What little gift of yourself can you give her? What hobbies could you introduce or fave activities in your area or sports or ....???

 

[CJ2008]

Love those ideas, Deco - I'm totally "for" kids earning money/allowances whatever you want to call it. Wish I would've thought of that earlier though, I would've had fun making that list. But I don't think we'll have time for that since she's going to mostly be out of the house.

Putting laundry away - $3.00
Vacuuming - $20
Mopping - $20

Man, I would've had fun.

In order to get into the mindset where I can think of things to expose her to or share with her I have to get past the resistance...which was HIGH before she got here so I couldn't have done it then...but now that I'm more calm and actually had some pleasant moments with her this "exercise" becomes fun.

 

[Gypsy]

You pay really well. I get my whole house cleaned (three bathrooms, three bedrooms, kitchen, laundry put away) for $120.

 

[CJ2008]

hhaahahah Well, I *hate* mopping and vacumming and I'm thinking most people do too (especially a teenager). So I figured I'd have to give them an extra incentive.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Love those ideas, Deco - I'm totally "for" kids earning money/allowances whatever you want to call it. Wish I would've thought of that earlier though, I would've had fun making that list. But I don't think we'll have time for that since she's going to mostly be out of the house.

Putting laundry away - $3.00
Vacuuming - $20
Mopping - $20

.

Wow, how much carpet do you have? lol I pay my kids to vacuum and they each have certain rooms and get .50 cents for that task!

 

[cookies]

There is an old saying, something like "when you marry your hubby, you are also marrying his entire family"?

To make you feel better, I am having something worse coming. Next week, I will have to have a 6-day vacation again with my MIL, my MIL's new BF, my SIL, and my DH. It was my SIL's idea that we should have a family vacation/trip every year. We had a vacation together last year. I cannot say it was pleasant. The thing is, my SIL doesn't get along with anyone, really, but she has a way to make everyone else do what she wants -- if you don't do it, she will make you feel bad or guilty. During last trip, for roughly 70% of our meals, we had to keep walking and walking (sometimes for several hours) till SIL saw a restaurant she likes. Luckily, I was able to fit some snack in my purse, but DH and I had to eat it secretly so his sister's "feeling" wouldn't be hurt. Oh well, I guess I am still going because of DH. I will try to enjoy the trip somewhat.

Sorry for the thread jack! I needed a place to vent..

 

[CJ2008]

MC - I was not really thinking "seriously" when I put that list together - but still...I never imagined I could get that job done for .50/room! Teenagers are cheap labor. Now I'm looking forward to having her (or some other teen) back!

Cookie - I feel for you...plus the bigger the group the more opinions, etc...can drive you nuts...

No worries about the threadjack - feel free to vent some more!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Love those ideas, Deco - I'm totally "for" kids earning money/allowances whatever you want to call it. Wish I would've thought of that earlier though, I would've had fun making that list. But I don't think we'll have time for that since she's going to mostly be out of the house.

Putting laundry away - $3.00
Vacuuming - $20
Mopping - $20

.

Wow, how much carpet do you have? lol I pay my kids to vacuum and they each have certain rooms and get .50 cents for that task!

.."child labor" is against the law..

 

[webdiva]

I was one that ran off at the mouth too. And opinionated and judgemental too (I know, the shock is killing you ). It came from insecurity for me. The more obnoxious I was, the more insecure I was. If I felt accepted and loved and wanted and secure I started to shut up and calm down. So I don't know if your niece is that way, but if as it seems like she is mellowing a bit (reading and being silent) as time goes on and she gets more comfortable, try giving her compliments and see if that calms her down more. Or just hug her or ruffle her hair, that stuff can be even better than words in making someone feel accepted.

When I'm really running off at the mouth (I still do it) I take a deep breath and remind myself of all of my friends who love me and accept me and of my DH as well, and tell myself I'm not that scared little girl any more and to calm down. It works. But it takes time.

I do this with my nieces too. I randomly hug them or put an arm around them (or put my hand over their mouth and tell them to conserve air). But in general, make sure I give them positive validation when I like what they are doing (I love that you are a reader too! What are you reading? and then show interest), and jokingly or lovingly correct them when they aren't (one of mine was 'helping' us paint our bedroom once and decided to paint her FEET. The promptly FORGOT her feet were wet and walked off the drop cloth onto the hard wood floors. She was FOURTEEN and her 10 year old sister was the one who told her she was an idiot. I just told her to start scrubbing and praying.)

Very true and very sweet of you to be so open about it to help CJ relate.