Have a visitor coming for 5 days - tips to cope please

[CJ2008]

I hate having houseguests. I hate everything about it.

We have DH's niece coming tomorrow for a full 5 days. She's a teenager, I met her a couple of times, she does seem upbeat and like a nice girl.

I would feel this way about anybody in my house for that long. He originally wanted her here a full 7 days - I only wanted 3, and kind of begged for 3 - but we compromised on 5.

The fact that it's a full 5 days is already driving me crazy and she's not even here.

Plus I mostly work from home and on the days he's working it's going to feel really uncomfortable to "know" she's in the house while I am in the same house, but not entertaining her. Thankfully, I think this is going to be just 1 or 2 days, I think he's going to take off the rest of the time.

I want to try to make the best of it but I have a hard time hiding how I feel and I know it's taking away a little bit of his excitement that I'm not jumping up and down and trying to come up with ideas of what we can all do together (although I did send him a few the other day). It doesn't help that he's my total opposite - he's trying to come up with all kinds of things to do with her - and I know how he is - $ is no object. He doesn't look for inexpensive things with some other things thrown in - he wants cool things to do. I get it, but that has me a little stressed out too. Plus she mentioned wanting to go shopping for some things like glasses and a backpack - and I have a feeling he's going to feel like (or want to) pay for it. I know he hasn't ever spent this kind of time with her and doesn't always send her birthday gifts so in his mind, he's just making up for that. He is a really good guy - and I love that about him - but I am definitely less generous so we clash a little there sometimes.

I want to do my best to do the right thing for DH and not appear resentful or in any way unwelcoming to his niece without exhausting myself in the process or not being true to myself (like overcompensating by trying to do more than I can handle or really want to). If I push myself too much beyond what energetically I have the real desire to do I know it might show in my face.

It's a fine line between honoring myself and being true to myself without feeling guilty and making DH happy.

One of the things I thought of is me being honest with her as far as the working thing like "I have to work but I thought we'd go to lunch together."

Any other ideas for how to cope? I guess I feel like I need ways to "escape" without appearing rude. Maybe what it really is is just feeling OK about it. It's probably just the guilt that makes it worse. If I simply said "looks like you guys are having a good time, I think I'll excuse myself and go do (whatever) - I'll see you guys a little later" would be OK.

The way I feel may or may not be "right" (especially considering she's young, family) but I am being truthful and I am trying to avoid running out of energy and feeling resentful so that it doesn't show on my face and the visit could be as nice as possible (and DH could be happy).

So if you have any ideas or tips, I'm all ears!

 

[Enerchi]

Sounds very stressful for you - sorry that you are not as excited as he is. But family visits are often ladden with expectations. On the other hand -she's probably feeling just as stressed thinking, what a drag to go and spend 5 days with an "old" aunt and uncle!!

How about a spa trip = mani/pedi for you and her and then you can focus on that while you zone out with your ipod?? Or a movie? or renting some DVD's of her favourite shows (download if that's an option) and you can get some work done on the days when its just you? Out to lunch- break up the day so its not all 'in house'?

Hope you manage ok - and stay calm - it will probably be better than you are imagining!

 

[CJ2008]

On the other hand -she's probably feeling just as stressed thinking, what a drag to go and spend 5 days with an "old" aunt and uncle!!

hahahahaha

Good one, Enerchi! Thanks for pointing that out to me. I forgot about what HER perspective might be. (had I thought about that earlier, I may have tried persuading her against accepting the invitation, since I am definitely old and definitely boring! )

But she actually seems excited to come...she's mature for her age, based on the conversations I've had with her. But maybe that's HER coping mechanism!

Thanks for the ideas too. I do realize there will be moments when it's better than I thought - right now I'm just so focused on the negatives...I keep visualizing walking in the kitchen in the morning, and she's there...having to make conversation...you know what I mean.

But you're right - there will be some fun too.

 

[Enerchi]

Trust me, shes a teenager... "CONVERSATION" is probably not going to be on the top of her list!!

(I have "owned and operated" a few teenagers over the years and "chatty" is not an accurate description of any of them!)

 

[CJ2008]

Enerchi, I don't know...she might be the exception! She is chatty!

 

[iheartscience]

I think you should do some of the activities with your husband and niece, and skip others. Plan it out ahead of time so there are no hurt feelings.

Also, your plan to tell her you're working but will get lunch with her is a good one. I would just make sure she has books/internet/movies to keep herself entertained while you're working. Or see if she'd be interested in you dropping her at the mall/zoo/whatever while you work so you don't have to feel bad about ignoring her while you're working.

I have to say, I think it's not cool for your husband to have her come for 5 days and be working for some of them, because that really does put the onus on you to entertain her. I'm not a big fan of house guests either, so my husband and I (okay, mostly me ) came up with with a rule that when his mom visits (she's our only regular house guest) he takes off every day she's in town.

 

[rubybeth]

It sounds like you are a true introvert, and being around people you aren't totally comfortable with zaps your energy. You don't need to feel badly about this, or even apologetic, just let it be known that you need your rest/"me time" and then can be more ready to engage in conversation/activities. Also, planning things out is a good idea, since you probably dislike last-minute changes to schedules.

I like the idea of letting her know you have to work while home, but set up a few activities that are inexpensive/fun. The mani/pedi thing (or chair massages?) could be good if she's into that. Going to lunch could be nice, too, but you could also pick up a to-go lunch and take it somewhere else (park with a fountain to people watch?) if sitting and trying to make conversation proves difficult.

I'd also see about making her a little 'welcome' basket of things that can keep her busy if she chooses. You could include DVD rental coupons (and then take her to rent some things), bath salts/mud mask, a few magazines she might enjoy (fashion, music, or something interesting/smart like Wired), and maybe even an itinerary of the events you have planned so she knows what to expect. She'll probably bring her cell phone, iPod, or laptop, too, and she'd probably appreciate your showing her how to use your home internet connection.

Also, does she like games? Most of my aunts and uncles love playing games, board games, cards, etc., so our family get-togethers usually involve playing at least one game together. They don't have to be expensive, there are lots of card games for 2-3 people, and you can either talk while playing, or not.

You might be surprised how fun the visit is, and how quickly it will go by! Also, she might be an introvert, too, and feel awkward about keeping her uncle and aunt entertained.

Edited to add: I forgot to add, will she have a guest room set aside for her, or an area of the house where she can 'make herself at home'? My parents have a bi-level, and so it's easy to give houseguests their lower level to make their own, since there's a door that closes off the family room. Guests can stay up late and watch television (show them how to use it or print instructions, if it's complicated) and not disturb them. Also, you can show her where snacks/breakfast food is and how to make coffee or whatever, so she can be self sufficient during her visit.

 

[Enerchi]

Is there anything in the city/town you live in, that is totally unique to there and something she'd never be able to experience in her city? Wondering if that might be something to do - you do the start of the activity/visit with her, then give her time to explore on her own, after?

Is she a museum kind of person? would she like the idea of spending time exploring that on her own - say an hour or two then you meet back for lunch? I like the park/picnic idea - people watching is fun at any age!

Any youth groups that you may be aware of that you think she may have an inkling of an interest in? Do you know any peopl ein your neighbourhood with a teen the same age - they could give you ideas - but every teen is unique and what would be of interest to one, doesn't necessarily intrigue another.

Can you email/call/text her to see what she's most looking forward to doing or what she'd like to see when visiting?

I also agree, that if you are uncomfortable with guests, it should really be your DH who is doing the majority of the visit with her. To ask and hope you do more than you are able to mentally handle, isn't very fair to you. But i'm sure you guys have talked it over and worked out what is best. Just let him know, if he gets a call/text with the word HELP! - he better come FLYING home ASAP!!!

(you will get thru this better than you think! and if she's just too chatty, give her permission to get on the phone and make a long distance call to a friend!)

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

I totally get the stress of visitors coming, but don't forget that she is taking a vacation at your house. For a teenage to take time away from their friends and spend time with family in a place they don't know with an Aunt who she maybe isn't too sure of; well that is a big deal! If you seem uninterested or moody and closed off, it could very well ruin her time with your husband (and yourself). She's your niece too, so just showing a little interest will be a huge thing for her. Hopefully when she comes, things will be less stressed for you and fun for everyone.

Maybe have a talk with your DH about your spending limits, so while he can spoil her, he doesn't end up going crazy. I don't think you're in the wrong at all for wanting to be a little more frugal with that.

 

[CJ2008]

Thing: I love your rule. I'm totally adopting that one for me. It's weird, I never thought of making a rule but I always put pressure on him to make sure he's off.

I also like your idea of laying out what the schedule's going to be. This way HE also knows what to expect.

Ruby: Yes, I find it very draining to be around people in general. I can count on one hand the people I have more energy for. But even then it's limited - after 2-3 days I am done. I try not to be apologetic about but there's still an underlying feeling of guilt. Society in general favors extroverts.

She won't really have a space of her own, which makes it harder. I can put her in my office but then she's in my office...but overall that may work better...depending how late of a sleeper she is. Otherwise she would be in the living room area...so not the best setup.

I love your idea of a welcome basket - DH would probably like that the idea's coming from me.

I'm not sure if she likes games - but it would be good if she did, I do have a few here. Like Enerchi said maybe it would be smart to text her and find out a little more about her interests.

Enerchi: I think maybe I will text her so I have a better idea of what she might be into...

And I love your idea of letting her get on the phone.

I knew I should check with you guys! Thanks for all your input and ideas! Keep them coming if you have more.

 

[CJ2008]

Stacy - yeah, I definitely don't want to ruin her time with my DH. And I want DH to be able to enjoy the time and not have to worry that I may be coming off uninterested or moody or closed off.

All likely at some point though if I don't protect my energy though. Honestly, 5 days is a lot.

But I realize it's not her "fault" so I do want to do what I can to make sure she feels welcome.

The $ thing is another one that makes it feel a little scary - I love your idea of setting spending limits.

It's all about planning and feeling prepared that will help me, I think.

 

[Gypsy]

Is there a pool nearby that you could go to with her? I find pool time to be very nice. I can read on my nook, or listen to my ipod, and interact as well, but in a laid back setting.

I like having houseguests some of the time. But it really depends on who it is. If I have to be "on" all the time it drives me crazy and I find I do better to do activities that are outside the house (like lunch as you said). If however it is my best friend who is like a sister to me and I can just be myself, I love having her over.

I would just ask her what, other than shopping, she'd like to do and see what sounds fun to you as well.

As for the money. I wouldn't interfere there. The niece and uncle/aunt thing is well, kinda about a little indulgence. I know my aunts and uncles did it for me, and I do it for my nieces and nephew. It's probably how your DH was raised and it makes him happy. If you think about the money as being spent on HIS happiness, instead of on this stranger it will probably make it easier to swallow.

 

[minousbijoux]

As for the money. I wouldn't interfere there. The niece and uncle/aunt thing is well, kinda about a little indulgence. I know my aunts and uncles did it for me, and I do it for my nieces and nephew. It's probably how your DH was raised and it makes him happy. If you think about the money as being spent on HIS happiness, instead of on this stranger it will probably make it easier to swallow.

Gypsy, who went and made you so wise? In all seriousness, that is such a loving and healthy way to look at things...

 

[Gypsy]

minousbijoux, you are always so sweet and kind. Thank you.

 

[CJ2008]

Gypsy - I would have never thought the pool, but I do love to read, and I know she likes the water, so that's actually a great idea.

If I don't know the person really, really well and feel really, really comfortable with them, I'd rather be doing something outside of the house.

And I do have a handful of people that I do look forward to it when I know they're coming. But it's usually a weekend. And I love them to death.

The $ thing - yes, he was raised that way. And so was I, really...I think I am expecting lavishing to happen naturally as I am sure we're going to go to lots of restaurants to eat and most activities aren't inexpensive. And I am sure we'll be buying her stuff here and there. But I don't know - maybe it's not being able to control it (a whole other problem all together I know). Or maybe it's that I don't want her to expect gifts? Not sure...but I do see your point and it would be a lovely way for me to look at it. Thanks for this perspective.

 

[Haven]

Oh I feel for you. I hate house guests. We never have them save for kids (our niece and nephew, my very young first cousins, friends' young kids.) Kids are much better house guests than adults, IMO.

DH's cousin's wife's 16-year-old half sister (HA! Work that one out! ) recently spent TWO WEEKS as a guest in their home. She lives out of state and rarely gets to see them, but two weeks is a long time. They ended up getting a two-week pass to the local gym for her, it has a pool and a little lounge area. She took classes every day and spent time in the pool. She came to one of our book club meetings, and I think they rented a lot of movies. So, if his niece is active a gym pass might be a good idea. (My gym will give me free one-week passes for guests.)

Do you know anything else about her? Is she crafty? If so, you could set her up with some large project that would take a lot of time every day. Whenever we have kiddos staying with us I turn our guest bedroom into a craft room and let them have at it.

You might be able to set her up with a local class, too. We're spoiled and we live near a lot of great resources--a botanic garden, a nature center, park districts, art schools, etc. All of these places offer short-term classes, one day to one week. I would be all about tying up her time in one of those! It would so be worth dropping her off and picking her up every day to give her a good experience, and more importantly, you the piece of mind to work all day.

I hope it goes well!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Sounds very stressful for you - sorry that you are not as excited as he is. But family visits are often ladden with expectations. On the other hand -she's probably feeling just as stressed thinking, what a drag to go and spend 5 days with an "old" aunt and uncle!!

How about a spa trip = mani/pedi for you and her and then you can focus on that while you zone out with your ipod?? Or a movie? or renting some DVD's of her favourite shows (download if that's an option) and you can get some work done on the days when its just you? Out to lunch- break up the day so its not all 'in house'?

Hope you manage ok - and stay calm - it will probably be better than you are imagining!

Yeah, she is a teenager...my neighbor has her niece staying with her and I see the girl walking along the road around talking on her cell phone all day (she even sat in my front yard one afternoon while doing so - it was really weird, but teens are in teenland). There is a chance that the teen who's staying with you may be totally preoccupied with texting and talking on her phone. Let's hope that's the case...Then you're sort of off-the-hook.

I like the idea of a mani/pedi or just even a pedi if you're trying to keep costs down. Also, maybe a daytime movie? We've had a teenage nephew stay with us and he pretty much played video games the whole time - teen boys probably are easier to keep busy...but with her, yes, as another mentioned, a Redbox movie or two or the pool. It's hard to truely entertain them as you're an adult and probably don't have a lot in common with her. Just a couple girly things to do, then let DH take her out for lunch, etc., and grab a glass of wine and relax and read or something! You DO NOT have to hang out with her & your dh the whole time. It's a given that they'll want time to spend chatting and catching up on things.

Also, remember that teens sleep in really late...so often that takes up half the day. For adults, "sleeping in" means, what 8:00 am? For teens, it's 1 pm. She might nap till 11!

 

[Gypsy]

As a fellow control freak (a couple weeks ago I had my DH in stitches laughing at me because I've been trying so very hard to NOT be a control freak that one day I realized that I was actually trying to control not being controlling ), I get that. I personally adore my husband's nieces and love indulging them. Usually when they are down we pay for activities and food (movie tickets, meals, video rentals, admission to a theme park, whatever) and when they do go shopping with us, their mom has called ahead and told us what their budget is from their own money and we either match that or add a couple hundred to it and give them control over their money. That we we are indulging them, BUT they do have to keep to a budget, BUT they can buy whatever they want without our approval (although when asked I do give my opinion and and the reasoning behind it so that they can understand how to make better decisions). Can you try that? If their mom hasn't called ahead, we'll just give them 200 bucks or so for spending money and souvenirs. And I know 200 sounds like a lot, but it really isn't given the prices at malls, and the only outlet store I will go into is Nordstrom Rack. The only time I go over 200 if for a special ocassion, like Prom or something like that. One of my nieces wanted to buy her prom dress with me, and even though her mom had given her a budget the dress she wanted was only 280 or so, so I told her to keep her mom's money for shoes and jewelry and stuff and bought the gown myself. Aunt's perogative.

BUT-- I just realized something. For me, DH's nieces ARE my nieces. I'm their aunt, and I indulge them as I would my own flesh and blood. And since I'm an only child, and will never get to be a 'real' aunt, it's really important to me, and FOR ME, to be able to indulge them as I please and I enjoy watching DH do it too, because I remember being that niece with my own uncle and know how important that bond is. Maybe if you get closer to her during this trip and stop thinking of her as DH's niece, and instead think of her as YOUR niece that might help with things too.

 

[mich_t]

I agree, you sound like a true introvert. I'm exactly the same, so I can empathise.

One thing you could do is have a conversation with your DH, so that he can ensure that you get your 'recharge' time, without you having to announce it formally to his niece. He could distract her for set periods of the day so that you can go off and do your own thing, without her realising that this is the purpose of it.

The types of outings that are good for introverts are: movies (an outing together but it's dark etc, so not too much interaction required; rock-climbing; shopping where you split up for a period of time (teenagers love this); the gym or gym classes. I'll think of some more and post again!!

Good luck with it!
Mich.

 

[Haven]

Also, remember that teens sleep in really late...so often that takes up half the day. For adults, "sleeping in" means, what 8:00 am? For teens, it's 1 pm. She might nap till 11!

That's a really good point.

But wait--I'm in my early thirties and I will still sleep until noon if left to my own devices!

 

[ForteKitty]

I can easily turn into a vampire and sleep from 4am till 3pm on weekends, and i'm almost 33. There's a good chance she'll sleep thru most of her week here. Relax!

 

[Dancing Fire]

find her a teenage boy!!..problem solved!!..

 

[Enerchi]

find her a teenage boy!!..problem solved!!..

 

[soocool]

My sister has 3 boys and she loves it when I suggest that she and my DD (her niece) do something together at least once a month. That is how my DD and my sister became very close. You would be surprised how much a teen will open up to another adult other than their own parents. My sister has taken DD places I never would have thought she would enjoy. Just start a conversation about school. future plans after high school, what she is involved in at school (sports, clubs, hobbies), anyhting that she has wanted to do but her parents won't let her (within reason) and you'd be surprised how quickly the 2 of you will become. Sometimes you just have to follow her lead.

BTW, DD loves to go shopping especially when my sister and I say "jewelry store" !

 

[rubybeth]

I thought of another thing that would be free and easy: check out your local library's website to see if they have any teen events happening. If not, you could take her there and check out a few things for her to read/watch/listen to while she visits. I'm a librarian and can't believe I didn't think of this when writing my post.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Also, remember that teens sleep in really late...so often that takes up half the day. For adults, "sleeping in" means, what 8:00 am? For teens, it's 1 pm. She might nap till 11!

That's a really good point.

But wait--I'm in my early thirties and I will still sleep until noon if left to my own devices!

Me too! Only problem is my husband often gets up at 5 am for work so on the weekends, he still gets up early and if I'm not up by 8 or 9, he comes in and lays down on the bed and starts talking to me to get me up. Drives me nuts. I do have two pillows. One to rest my head on and the other to put on top of my head like a pillow sandwich. Blocks out the noise from husband, kids & cat!

 

[Enerchi]

How is day 1? Are you feeling a bit better about handling the visit, with the suggestions we've given? do you feel a little bit less stressed???

Hoping it goes well for you - post away and we'll help you thru it!

 

[Dancing Fire]

How is day 1? Are you feeling a bit better about handling the visit, with the suggestions we've given? do you feel a little bit less stressed???

Hoping it goes well for you - post away and we'll help you thru it!

think she took my advise...

 

[Enerchi]

It sure was a good suggestion, DF! Nothing like a vacation romance, right??

 

[atp223]

I just wanted to add that comfort level with guests when they have their own bedroom and bathroom (eg when you have an extra bedroom) - for me - is totallyyyy different from how I felt about guests when I lived in both studio and one bedroom apartments. There is a huge difference between having a guest stay in your four bedroom house for a few days versus staying in your living space for almost a week. I consider myself to be quited an extrovert, but I despise having people I'm not really close with in my immediate space. I am definitely with you in wanting to veto any couch guest for more than a weekend! But I hope it's going well!