Guy "in waiting"

[sumbride]

I see two distinct frustrating situations for her... 1) the struggle of being in a long distance relationship for almost a year and 2) wondering when he will propose. I''ve been thru the first one and am now going thru the second, so I see them as being seperate and distinct... she just unfortunately seems to be going thru them at the same time.

Long distance relationships have a few "crisis points" just like regular relationships... but because of the distance they usually feel more extreme. You get to a point where you aren''t sure all this "commuting" can continue... especially if you don''t have a time limit on it. In the first year of our relationship, actually probably around 10 months or so, I started having frequent breakdowns at the end of the weekend. I drove home in tears almost every time I left my boyfriend''s apartment, and when he left mine I would cry too. He tried to understand but there wasn''t a lot he could do besides reassure me that it was going to be ok. Eventually I realized Sunday nights were so awful that I ended up staying until early Monday morning and then commuting two hours to work... which was bad for me and bad for my cats, who were home alone, but good for "us". As much as I wanted to spend more time with him, I also realized that I needed to chill out and remind myself who I was before I met him, so I started filling the week with friends and hobbies. That kept me busy. When we moved in together, I was glad I got to see him, but I still had a life.

I know you two aren''t moving in together before marriage, and you won''t have been together as long as we were before you propose, so she''ll have a lot fewer times to cry, but realize that her tears are normal and are very much part of a normal long distance relationship. There''s nothing you are doing wrong, and I don''t think you should rush yourself to propose just because of her tears... I know you want to "fix it" but sometimes you just have to go through it to realize why you''re there. Not to say you should slow down... but just make sure you''re doing it now because you are ready, not just because she''s upset.

The second situation, the "when will he propose" is one we can all relate to... it very much is an absence of control. Most women these days are independent and used to controlling their lives... and then all of a sudden we feel like we can''t. It''s awful. I don''t think men will ever really understand how frustrating this can be... flip it around and think about how you''d feel if SHE was the only one making the timing decision? Would you be ok with that?

So I feel for both of you on this... it''s doubly frustrating... but I think it will be ok... trials like this are just part of relationships, and you need to be able to get through them without caving or doing something you don''t agree with. This is just the beginning... marriage is a lot of work... more so than just navigating the timeframes and long distance. Hang in there ARGH.

 

[anchor31]

Argh, I''ve been giving your situation some thought so I could try to give you some advice.

She has told you repeatedly of her feelings towards the situation now, so maybe you could tell her how all this is making you feel? Tell her "Sweetheart, I know you feel this or that way, but I''ve best doing my best to find the perfect ring for you and plan the perfect proposal and when you cry I feel like this or that"? She''s extremely lucky to have a patient and understanding man like you, but I think she needs to understands that she has to learn to be patient and understanding too. Maybe she doesn''t realize that some things are not entirely up to you (how long it takes to have the ring made, etc) and maybe, like I''ve realized with my own boyfriend, she doesn''t understand enough of your financial situation and gets frustrated because she doesn''t get why it takes so long to save up for the ring. Maybe she would feel better if you explained the delay to her. If the ring is not going to be ready for an April proposal, make sure she knows it and understands why.

As I''ve said before our situations are eerily similar, and my dear boyfriend should be blessing the stars that I have your perspective to help me understand him better, in a way! I swear that reading about your story has really helped me to be more patient and understanding towards him, so thank you!

Good luck, I hope things work out for the best!

 

[argh&stuff]

Hey again.

Well, guys, you all had some great input. My girl's great, and I am in NO WAY am worried about our future, because of her wanting this so much. I want it just as much, I'm just a more patient person.

We did talk a good deal yesterday and I think she's trying really hard to "get" that I want to do this on my own. I think, actually, that her finding out that I was on here was part of what got her "rared up," so to speak. She had no idea I was seriously studying up on this stuff, and it got her all happy and eager. Because she saw that it was coming, she's been more focused on it than I think she realized. It was a good talk, and we've decided that when things start to get emotional, or intense or whatever, she and I will pray and just let our Father know where we are in our thoughts, frustrations, eagerness, all of that, and give it up to Him. We've been doing that, on the regular, but not at the moments the antsy stuff comes up.

And my girl's not controlling of me; I've never seen that in her, and I had a past relationship which was ladden with those red flags. She's just an independent woman with the mindset that we need to be going through this together, not with me dangling promises in front of her. And while I've not been doing that, intentionally, I can see how she would SEE it that way. Another thing is, circumstances come along that move things back, or forward, sometimes. We talked about that, too.

I told her also, that her anxiousness is taking away the happiness I have in getting to surprise her and present her with the symbol of my love, and she was broken hearted to know that. She'd not realized that her reactions were effecting me that much, and she said she was sorry that she brought me any anxiety, and you know what? I know that now that she really "gets" what I'm saying and now that she knows I "get" where she's coming from (thanks in part to this place!), things will be better. She has nothing to worry about; she simply needs to enjoy us, and know that both our dreams will come to reality soon.

No doubt there will still be downfalls along the way, but I feel really good about the conversation and honest communication we shared. Life transitions are hard and trying, even when they're the good kind. It's been a time of struggle, but I think we are on the way to reaching growth and further closeness because of it. I don't think she even realized she was stressing out as much as she was about it.

So, I think last night was a good thing for us; at least we clearly see where the other is coming from, how we feel, and what we want. Thankfully, we both have the same goal. (Well, we already knew that; it's just that she got impatient and carried away. A tad.)

I'm actually really content, and at peace today. We made headway, together. Does that mean it won't pop up again? Well, probably not. But, we'll get through it. And I don't think it will be as intense has it has been from here on out.

 

[anchor31]

I''m really glad to learn you had that needed talk with her and that it went so well!! Just like you men, we women are not mind-readers and sometimes we need to be told some things too.

I had no doubt she would understand once you told her, she just needed to be told.

You and your girlfriend have a wonderful relationship, it''s really inspiring!

 

[Mandarine]

Argh,

I am so happy you guys had a good talk

Seems like she was in a similar situation I was in (not realizing what I was doing to him with my innocent questions, see my post above). I didn''t realize that by me asking I was making the process stressful instead of enjoyable to him...and that is why I backed off and decided to not bring it up again unless he does...and even though I control myself to let it go when he does!. I want to enjoy this time, today, tomorrow...every second! and this is an exciting part of a relationship

...but girls will be girls and we get anxious sometimes!...

I know you have nothing to worry about...I bet you things will go much smoother from now on

M~

 

[argh&stuff]

Mandarine,

She said she does better if she has a timeline, so I told her to give me three weeks where she''s not asking about things, making comments, or looking longingly at jewelry stores as we pass them in the mall. She said that''d be a piece of cake, but if I want to bring things up, all bets are off for that time period, but she''ll stop when I do. (Made me think of your last post!!)

So, talking was positive and she''s really calming down, and I will continue to pray that she keeps this peace.

 

[Small]

Sounds like you are doing better. Hope you get it figured out and find the perfect stone. I guess it won''t happen in April like you had originally planned but maybe late May or early June you''ll find what you are looking for! Good luck Argh. We''ll all be waiting anxiously to see which diamond and setting you are going to choose!

 

[ello]

My father is very sick and he recently told me that he worries about our (young people in general) lack of commitment and fear of marriage (He''s still old school). I told him that my boyfriend is delaying our engagement because he wants to be a better provider for me. My father adores my boyfriend and pretty much summarized him as a very hard working individual, that will always be there for me and be a great provider - so he feels that there''s no time for stubbornness and waiting any longer than what is absolutely required.
What does it really matter if you have the perfect savings account ya-da-ya-da or perfect ring? He mentioned to me that he worked very hard all his life and never really had it all planned out anyway - You do the best you can in life.

The most important thing is to share your life and achievements with the people that love you unconditionally. Even now having cancer, my dad has realized that life can turn so quickly in a different direction. It''s important to stay focus and not let your brain (over annualizing) get in your way of happiness. I guess what I''m saying is save the best you can but don''t let "the perfect ring or perfect savings account" get in your way of happiness. I''m not saying that you should jump into something eagerly but don''t drive each other crazy. You both sound so wonderful and I’m excited to hear about your future plans. If you plan on getting engaged in April/May, you should cherish this time and have fun!

 

[argh&stuff]

Ries,

You''re so right. I think, to a degree, we both got carried away a little. I wanted to surprise her, and she wanted to help me a little too much. It derives from both of us being so excited that we''ve finally found the one made just for us, and it''s a blessing we''re going to share for life.

So, things maybe got a little intense, but I don''t think either of us really did it on purpose. Any new life change does that, and well, this sort of change that you want and look forward to, and are preparing for (our pre-marital counseling starts soon), is bound to get a little intense at times. Anyway, seeing that things are progressing well, and that she''s really settling into just knowing that it''s on the way, she''s been much calmer and happy and just content. I like that. It makes the process so much more fun for me (remember how excited I was in the beginning? It''s back!).

We do have a solid relationship and I''m so thankful that we are able to communicate well before things swing out of hand. I was looking at things from one point of view, she from another.

Someone (Pink, I believe it was) said we were in the midst of a power struggle. I don''t think we were; I think we were just seeing things from different angles, and over the weekend, we found equal ground. Neither of us was able to successfully express our feelings until we were able to sit down and fully say what we were thinking the other was meaning, then we listened to what we really meant. And that made all the difference.

We''re not going through a hard time; we simply went through a hurdle. Again, the mortar that brings two more in sync with one another. We learned more about one another''s needs, and that''s never a bad thing. I was just frustrated that she was so anxious about this, as if she didn''t think I was going to follow through. She was just frustrated that she thought she heard me saying that "I''d get to it when I got to it," as if it didn''t matter all that much. Miscommunication happens, even in the best of relationships. (**I also don''t think this situation could, in any way, be linked to us not living together. A sense of commitment to marry is not gained--in either of our opinions--by living together.**)

I think that giving someone a clear timeline of something that will ultimately change their life is important, and knowing that''s what she needed to calm down, I was more than happy to oblige. And in turn, she sees that trusting me means not questioning me on my progress as often as she was. She didn''t see that I needed that, and I didn''t see that she needed to have a clear idea of when things would happen, because it will include her beginning to look for a new position, closer to me, and us beginning house shopping, too. It is a big change, for both of us, and she needs to have the security of knowing about when these things will take effect.

 

[argh&stuff]

Guess what? She's doing really well (so far, and granted it has only been two days, really) not asking about anything relating to my work toward this proposal.

That makes me feel so good; she's calmed down, and that gives me SO much less frustration in trying to figure all this ring stuff out. Who knew something so little as a ring could be so technical and thought provoking?

 

[ello]

I wish you guys all the best!

 

[argh&stuff]

Yeah, things just got built up a little bit there for a week or so. But, it''s all good now.

And, Easter is coming up! It''s a great holiday.

(I had a thought last night, after reading another thread; it would be a really great proposal idea to do an Easter egg hunt--- and get those big plastic eggs, and tuck the ring in it. I think I''ve seen some at Target that were big enough to hold the box, even. But, since I don''t have her ring yet, I won''t be doing that.)

 

[argh&stuff]

Where did all my friend people go? Getting prepped for the holiday? Something about 4 day weeks makes me all off kilter. But in a good way.

I think we''ll head to Six Flags this weekend. Goliath just opened. Should be a good time.

 

[anchor31]

A lot of us have exams coming, so I guess we''re busy studying! (I''m just coming back from a study group... and my bed is calling me!!

)

Have a good Easter weekend, Argh! I''m so sad that I can''t go home because I have to study!

J''s mother has family here and is coming to visit, though, so he''ll hop in and spend the weekend with me!

I wish I wasn''t so busy...

Well, enough whining! Keep us posted on your ring/proposal plans progress! An Easter proposal would have been sweet, I love the Easter eggs hunt idea! But I''m sure you''ll find something great.

 

[argh&stuff]

Doh! I should have thought of that. I''ve been prepping my kids all week for upcoming end of year testing. (Sadly, it''s not helping a few of them much at all!)

I think I''ve gotten a bit more "addicted" to this place than I care to admit. A couple days not hearing from many people, I start to miss them.

Good luck on those studies! And enjoy whatever time you can with your boy, Anch.

I''m hoping everyone has a great Easter holiday. It''s a special one to my girl and me, and we might do an indoor Easter egg hunt anyway, even if a ring''s not involved. She likes little surprises like that, and it''d be fun for her to search out little trinkets and treats. She''ll be here tomorrow, soon after I''m off work, though. I''m not sure I''ll get the chance to hide anything (not that she won''t find while I''m at work on Friday, anyway).

I''m stoked to get to see her Thursday through Sunday.

 

[Small]

Sounds like it will be a good time. Happy Easter!

I think people will get more involved again when you decide between the 4 you are searching for. I''ve noticed a drop off here in general over the past week or so. Don''t take it personally...I think people get caught up and then go away and then get back into the swing. You''ll find once you are closer to your final decision people will be popping out of the woodwork to see what''s going on

We still love having you around Argh...no worries

 

[Blenheim]

It seems like a lot of the younger LIWs have exams and generally a very high workload. Personally, I had exams, and two out-of-town trips, and then surgery. So don''t take our absenses personally!

I love the easter egg hunt idea, but it obviously won''t work if you don''t have the ring. Ah well. I''m sure you''ll think of something wonderful!

Happy Easter, and enjoy Six Flags!

 

[firebirdgold]

ARGH, ARGH!

Danger Will Robinson, Danger!

I think your girl is on! Stay away from fisherofmengirly''s thread!

Bad karma to read SO''s threads!
Or at least so I told my bf, but I changed my name from Wren to IndieJones just in case!

 

[sk8rjen]

What if she''s here??????????

Geez I wish we could hide his thread--- he thought she''d be at the malls, and he''s not here to defend himself!!!!

jen

 

[Small]

Awww, wren...that''s you???? Nice new name

LOL...she''s sure to find this now. And no way is she not going to know it''s him LMAO. I can''t believe this luck! He''s been so wonderful and thought he wouldn''t be found out. I hope he doesn''t post the details or changes his screen name. We are going to be in the dark until the proposal I think

 

[sk8rjen]

So I am hoping she was good and got off this board like he told her to -- but seriously, we need to consider some type of emergency pager service when SO''s sign on the board

Argh -- when you read this later, please don''t stop posting! I''ve enjoyed this thread tremendously even though I haven''t posted on it, and wish the best for you all.

That said, she *IS* excited, isn''t she?

jen

 

[Mandarine]

I also knew right away!!!

But *knowing* how good and honest they are I think they will stay off each other''s posts....I don''t think I would be that strong, but I know they are!!!

The whole thing gave me goose bumps!! I think she''s off now! to play w/ the puppy

Love is just something amazing!

 

[bex891]

I was in a similar situation a few years ago....waiting for the proposal. I was so excited, for so long, that I kinda went off the boil. When the proposal eventually came...it wasn''t as exciting as I had anticipated.

Don''t drag this out too long. Just my 2c.

 

[argh&stuff]

You know what? This weekend was so great, and my girl was so relaxed through everything. I don''t know if she''s really put it out of her mind, but she''s at least stopped talking about it all the time; it does come up in conversation from time to time, as is normal in this stage. But she was just so relaxed and at peace, and I just really feel terrific knowing that she''s confident in me and in knowing what I say I''ll do, I''ll do. I suppose I found myself telling her how much I love her more than is typical for me; she commented several times that I sure was being "sweet and gushy." Hey, how can I help it?

Thanks for the suggestion of that ring. I like having options. Especially now that I don''t know if she''s sneaking around or not. She says she''s not, but I still think it''d be wise to keep things on the down-low, if I can.

And in case I''ve put off saying it lately, I thank you people so much for the help and advice and suggestions you offered, and continue to offer. While it may seem silly, this is a huge thing for me, and it''s not without apprehension that I grapple for decisions. Ultimately, it''ll be worth it to see her face and to know that the symbol of our union will be something she loves forever, just like me. But, too, it has been much more "fun" than I thought it would have been.

I''ve not yet perused her thread; may just have to track her down tonight. It''ll be good for a smile, I''m sure. She thinks she''s so sneaky.

 

[plantationcatt]

Sorry we''re all a little slow this week-- School is making it difficult to find time to eat and sleep, much less get on the internet! But I promise you''re in our thoughts! Good luck, and Happy belated Easter! He is risen!

 

[anchor31]

Hey argh! I''ve just been wondering how things were going!

 

[sumbride]

And you should know we''ve "pre-screened" some threads for her, so if you''re reading and replying to others, just make sure you check and see if she''s been there before you reply with something that might identify you.

oh, and she asked us to make sure you know not to hold onto the ring too long after you buy it. It would be torture.

 

[argh&stuff]

Sum,

I''m not going to post anywhere but on here, I don''t think. She says she''s not been anywhere else, and I believe that, but I don''t want to leave anything "too" tempting for her, either.

As for an update: I''m working on some things, but I am not currently at liberty to say what things in particular, being that Miss Sneaky Pants had to find her way here. So, as she hates to hear me say, "I''m on it."

I just came online to check the weather; thunderstorms have been rolling through all night and I was hoping we''d be able to go to Six Flags this weekend (it''s part of my birthday present from her), but now it looks like rain showers are likely through 3pm. I want to ride Goliath; maybe we''ll risk it and enjoy the shorter lines because of it.

 

[firebirdgold]

Good Luck ARGH!

 

[anchor31]

Have fun argh! We have a Six Flags here too called La Ronde, and it''s a lot of fun.