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Garnetgirl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 7, 2014
Messages
870
A lady in the Villages in Florida (a senior retirement community),
was sitting on a bench, near another
bench with a gentleman sitting on the bench.
She asked him if he was new to the community and he said "no, I have owned a condo here for 20 years".
She then said "I have been here for 15 years and
I have never seen you around!".
He then said "I have been in prison for the last 17 years!".
She was stunned and finally asked him what he had done.
He said that he had murdered his first wife!
She was stunned again and after a long pause she said.

So you're SINGLE???
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Jun 8, 2008
Messages
45,964
postapocalyptical.jpg
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Jun 8, 2008
Messages
45,964
4 Worms In Church..........
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup..
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Jun 8, 2008
Messages
45,964
Tide executives didn’t quite know what to make about this letter from a happy customer.
We sure hope she was joking!
Dear Tide,
I just wanted to write a quick review to say how pleased I am with your product. It is absolutely stellar!
I’m in my fifties now and have used Tide my entire married life. In fact, a few weeks ago, I accidentally spilled a glass of red wine on a new white blouse that my husband had given me. He was not happy with me and began screaming, telling me how expensive the blouse was and how stupid I was to have spilled the wine all over it.
The conversation escalated, got a little heated, and I ended up with a bit of his blood on my blouse in addition to the wine. So, I turned to my trusty Tide, popped my blouse in the wash, and like usual, all of the stains came out!
A police officer came over to my house a couple of days after the incident, and again to my contentment, he informed me that all of the DNA tests on my blouse came back negative, yay! Later in the day, my lawyer called and said I was off the hook concerning the disappearance of my husband.
Phew! Living with menopause is bad enough without being a suspect in a trial! So, thanks again from a very satisfied customer.
Got to run, time to write to the Hefty bag people!
Another Satisfied Costumer
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
45,964
Last one today.



Getting Dumber;
A biker and his ole lady take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have bigger boobs than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the dumber the lady is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies,
"The bigger they are, the dumber the man is."
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:
"Daddy is talking to the dumbest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
45,964
missingperson.jpg
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Apr 30, 2005
Messages
30,042
Took me a while to get this one. :mrgreen:


Silent Ps before Ts.jpg
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
45,964
For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum
of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey!' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
‘Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce."


:lol:
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
30,042
:errrr: Hahahaha! Good one missy!
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Jun 8, 2008
Messages
45,964
"

My Dad Told this story right after I was born & continued to tell it for many years LOL !!
An Oklahoman buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Oklahoma baby boy weighing 20 pounds.
''Congratulations'' showered him from all around, and many
exclamations of "Wow!" are heard.
A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical
Oklahoma baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth.
How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, ''15 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned.
"Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth."
The Oklahoma father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Bud, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the
bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised."


"
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
45,964
A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”
The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”
“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.
“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.
“What did he say?” asked the man.
He said, “Funny you should come to me...”
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
45,964
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Old Lady:
I am 73 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us what happened on the night of April 1st?
Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man came to the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Old Lady:
He started to stroke my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Old Lady:
I felt so good. Nobody had done that since my late husbands, Dr. Fashi and Major Sandson passed away years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Old Lady:
He began to fondle my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Old Lady:
His fondling made me feel all energized. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so horny that I just laid down and asked him 'Take me, young mman. I’m all yyooouuuuurs.'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Old Lady:
Hell, No! He just yelled...
*APRIL FOOL*!'
And that's when I shot that bastard..
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
45,964
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