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Furstrated with SIL

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White Orchid

White Orchid

Shiny_Rock
Joined
May 4, 2008
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229
Please tell me if you feel I''m out of line. I don''t really have anyone to talk to in Real Life about this who isn''t biased in some way, so I thought I''d see what some neutral parties think.

My parents raised me to believe that remembering people''s birthdays and giving small gifts is normal - and expected. So every year since my husband and I became an "official couple", I''ve sent gifts or at least cards to his whole family for special occasions. We live pretty far away from the rest of his family and only visit a couple times a year, so I always send a gift back to his sister through his parents. When she had her baby my first thought was to send her a gift card, but DH thought it would be more appropriate to buy her something nice. So he finds out what she wants, we go to the store, buy it (the gift was WAY out of our price range, but she''s family. Right?) and drive HOURS to see her and her new baby. The next day she tells DH she''s decided to return our gift. While I wouldn''t say I''m happy with this decision, I understand that furniture for the baby is something you either love or hate - no point holding onto it for the next 20 years just because it''s a gift from us.

But here''s why I''m upset. In the last 6 years I''ve bought her birthday and Christmas presents - one a year, and now a baby gift and have yet to get anything from her. Not even a thank you! She didn''t get us so much as a card for my wedding or bridal showers. At the time I brushed it off because she did my centrepieces.

Well I got thinking about why I keep sending gifts that SIL doesn''t seem to appreciate. DH thinks we should take the High Road and continue sending them, but I''m not happy with that answer. I really don''t want to make this sound like I''m just in it for the presents or money, but I feel like I''m being taken advantage of!

Now that I''ve said my peace, I''d really like to hear other people''s thoughts. Please let me know if something isn''t clear - my fingers don''t type well when I''m angry!!
 
The fact that she said she wanted this piece of furniture, then decided to return it for the cash...that is what makes me more annoyed for you than the fact that she hasn''t sent gifts before. My husband is not in the practice of gift-giving, either, simply because it doesn''t always occur to him that he needs to, so I am trying to help rectify that by helping give the gifts. So I understand that not everyone feels the same way about presents, but her reaction to your gift - and you''re long drive! - seems rude. I would go back to gift cards, and small ones.
 
Thank you, I''m glad to hear you share my feelings. The rest of the family is blaming her behaviour on hormones, post-partum depression and whatnot. That still doesn''t explain the other 5 years.
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Honestly, gifts aren''t a requirement. They are something you give because you are moved to give them. And I would stop being so moved to give if I went WAY out of my way only to have it shot down and never have any gift acknowledged.

Send her a card for her birthday. No gift card, just a card.
 
ohhh, I'm sorry to hear that,,, I too like you remember everyone's bday' whether they are adults or children,..and I get every child a christmas present and bday regardless, but DH's family does not,, and I sometime gets furious, and i said to DH what?? I was raised that its mostly about the kids,,, and to me its special that way, but DH family its all about the adult (kinda weird... or maybe not?) and i too send gifts,,, I've stopped asking what people want and have just gotten gift cards, and a card, and just sent them on their way, this is for both my family and my hubbys family. Sometime i get a thank you and other's no... my own MIL forgets my birthday! oh well.. I just think of it as a gift is a gift, and it makes me feel good that I remember their special day even if they forget mine. Maybe next time just send a card and be done with it? it doesn't seem like she appreciates what you get her regardless. my brother is this way, doesn't matter what we get them, no thank you...nothing, so now I just call to say Happy bday or whatever, and at least hey I thought about you message.
 
I completely understand why you''re upset. I would stop with the thoughtful gifts and simply send a card for future occasions.
 
I understand why you''re upset - it''s frustrating when you go out of your way to get her thoughtful gifts and she never returns the favor or thought. She might not be good at getting gifts or maybe she just doesn''t think about it like you do. But it doesn''t really matter what the excuse is - bottom line is she doesn''t appreciate it like she should and I think from now on just send a nice card. Not getting gifts in return is one thing - but she doesn''t even THANK you - and in my opinion, that means she doesn''t really deserve to be getting more gifts from you at all.
 
My DH''s family is the same way. My ILs has gotten better at it and remembered my birthday and send us cards for anniversary and Xmas. However his sister and brother only remember DH''s birthday and never send thank you cards for holiday gifts from us. I think it is just a "culture" thing. I learn to let it go, as it is not worth being upset about.
 
I would stop wasting your money on her to be honest. It seems silly to continue to send them to her "just because they are family"... didn''t you explain to your DH that she doesn''t send you guys anything (even thank you notes!) even though you are family to her? Doesn''t make sense... I would stop and only send a card. I would probably send things to her kids if you become close with them, but to her? I say stop!
 
My husband is just as frustrated as I am. His parents are really good about remembering birthdays and such... it''s just his sister.

Thanks for the advice. I think a simple card will do quite nicely from now on.
 
If you''re done giving gifts than don''t. If your husband feels he must continue then make it his responsibility to do so (he has to buy it, mail it, etc.). Just send a nice card.
 
I think that there are two issues here. Gifts should be given without the expectation of a return. Period.

BUT...I do think it''s appalling that she has not THANKED you for the gifts you have given her. That is very tacky on her part and THAT is the part that would probably make me begin to send cards only-or leave it up to DH to send her a gift if he wants to.
 
I would be bothered by the fact that she has not even said thank you, that is just plain rude!
I think that I would just stick to a card and nothing more in the future.
 
I would be frustrated with this situation, too! Buying gifts for people is one of my favorite things, but it''s just not much fun if the recipient does not appreciate it. Of course, we should not expect gifts in return. But a thank you at the very least you SHOULD be able to expect! I would go with a card from now on.
 
If your husband still wants you to send gifts, *he* should be in charge of purchasing and mailing them. Otherwise, I would suggest you just send cards to her from now on. It doesn''t seem like it matters that much to your SIL either way since she never acknowledges gifts or cards.
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Date: 5/6/2009 8:34:53 PM
Author: lyra
If your husband still wants you to send gifts, *he* should be in charge of purchasing and mailing them. Otherwise, I would suggest you just send cards to her from now on. It doesn''t seem like it matters that much to your SIL either way since she never acknowledges gifts or cards.
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+1

mz
 
Date: 5/6/2009 5:39:22 PM
Author:White Orchid
Please tell me if you feel I''m out of line. I don''t really have anyone to talk to in Real Life about this who isn''t biased in some way, so I thought I''d see what some neutral parties think.

My parents raised me to believe that remembering people''s birthdays and giving small gifts is normal - and expected. So every year since my husband and I became an ''official couple'', I''ve sent gifts or at least cards to his whole family for special occasions. We live pretty far away from the rest of his family and only visit a couple times a year, so I always send a gift back to his sister through his parents. When she had her baby my first thought was to send her a gift card, but DH thought it would be more appropriate to buy her something nice. So he finds out what she wants, we go to the store, buy it (the gift was WAY out of our price range, but she''s family. Right?) and drive HOURS to see her and her new baby. The next day she tells DH she''s decided to return our gift. While I wouldn''t say I''m happy with this decision, I understand that furniture for the baby is something you either love or hate - no point holding onto it for the next 20 years just because it''s a gift from us.

But here''s why I''m upset. In the last 6 years I''ve bought her birthday and Christmas presents - one a year, and now a baby gift and have yet to get anything from her. Not even a thank you! She didn''t get us so much as a card for my wedding or bridal showers. At the time I brushed it off because she did my centrepieces.

Well I got thinking about why I keep sending gifts that SIL doesn''t seem to appreciate. DH thinks we should take the High Road and continue sending them, but I''m not happy with that answer. I really don''t want to make this sound like I''m just in it for the presents or money, but I feel like I''m being taken advantage of!

Now that I''ve said my peace, I''d really like to hear other people''s thoughts. Please let me know if something isn''t clear - my fingers don''t type well when I''m angry!!
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In my oipinion,its not the money that matters here...its the continued emotional investment in a relationship that gives nothing back...no respect...nothing...its time to stop giving gifts and cards to a person who shows no caring or ability to build a relationship with you...dont keep putting yourself in this position...its not worth the effort...the lady dosnt get it and so spend your money ,time, and energy on people in your life that will appreciate your caring and build relationships with them...there are alot of charities and needy people who would love your time and wonderful gifts from the heart!
 
I can''t believe that she doesn''t even thank you for the gifts. I would probably send her cards from now on.
 
Yep, time to stop the gifts. Instead, give her a call on her birthday or special occasions just to let her know you''re thinking about her. A "Happy Birthday" is thoughtful enough. Plus,it''s hard to buy for adults. Most adults buy what they want, when they want so gifts are not needed.
 
I would stop sending gifts and just send cards. I don''t think it''s necessary to send more than a card anyway, and since she doesn''t seem to appreciate your gifts you might as well. Not sending anything at all could be seen as a snub, but I don''t think she can be mad if you''re still sending a card every year.
 
Thanks everyone. I appreciate the honesty and it''s refreshing to hear that other people agree with me! Family!!
 
Date: 5/6/2009 5:49:15 PM
Author: princesss
Honestly, gifts aren''t a requirement. They are something you give because you are moved to give them. And I would stop being so moved to give if I went WAY out of my way only to have it shot down and never have any gift acknowledged.

Send her a card for her birthday. No gift card, just a card.
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I agree.

For me it is the lack of the words... THANK YOU. I get really tired of sending gifts, giving gifts, and having it become an expectation that the gift be sent. I expect a thank you card... but would be happy for a thank you out of the mouth of the recipient. I don''t get it... they dont get a gift again. Period. The baby, yes I''d give them gifts, and honestly I''d call them out on not saying thank you... (And what do you say................and the kid reluctantly says "Thank you auntie tlh") but the grown ups that know better... sorry charlie - gravy train stopped its delivery.
 
Date: 5/7/2009 6:49:28 PM
Author: tlh

Date: 5/6/2009 5:49:15 PM
Author: princesss
Honestly, gifts aren''t a requirement. They are something you give because you are moved to give them. And I would stop being so moved to give if I went WAY out of my way only to have it shot down and never have any gift acknowledged.

Send her a card for her birthday. No gift card, just a card.
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I agree.

For me it is the lack of the words... THANK YOU. I get really tired of sending gifts, giving gifts, and having it become an expectation that the gift be sent. I expect a thank you card... but would be happy for a thank you out of the mouth of the recipient. I don''t get it... they dont get a gift again. Period. The baby, yes I''d give them gifts, and honestly I''d call them out on not saying thank you... (And what do you say................and the kid reluctantly says ''Thank you auntie tlh'') but the grown ups that know better... sorry charlie - gravy train stopped its delivery.
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Hahaha!

Another vote here for cards only. I don''t think you should expect gifts in return, and it doesn''t sound like you do. But ou should expect a thank you, which is never given.
 
Though no one would admit to this, I tailor my giftgiving to the person. What does that mean? My sister and I exchange crazy fun big gift packages to each other on our birthdays. On the other hand I typically don''t give my little brother anything for his birthday (and vice versa) though we do give gifts to each other''s respective kids. As long as it''s reciprical and fine for the other person it''s totally OK. Your SIL has defaulted on the gift-giving on her part, which I would take as indication that she is OK with not exchanging gifts.

gift giving should not be obligatory. Also gift giving should not be = with love (though it can signify your relationship with someone).

In fact with the whole simplicity movement (and the fact that gift giving can be a bit of a weak spot for me) I''ve been rethinking my own gift giving practices, trying to give more of my time, be more available or give a smaller thoughtful gift at any time of the year than necessarily X amount for this person on this holiday. It can be hard, and can only work if it works for the other person as well.

If your husband feels obligated to give sister a gift, then he can take on the responsibility for it.
 
I have to say that I am one of "those People" that don''t send cards, or gifts....I just don''t. It just does not occur to me.

Maybe your SIL does not want what you give her, or does not like it, and also does not want to feel pressured to give you anything in return. To me, its like if someone were to start gifting me, I would think, aw dang, now I have to go to the store and find something that this person likes to give them back. I''m sorry, but I would, yes, thank them for the gift, but explain to them, that I really am not into gifting. I only exchange with my hubby. I stopped Christmas and Birthdays a few years ago with other people than hubby. I did not feel like giving gifts to people that I only saw once a year at Christimas. And they are family. That is just me.
 
Wow, your SIL sounds unbelievably rude and selfish. Although it might not be correct etiquette-wise, we live in a society that values reciprocity, so I don''t think it''s really out of line to expect a gift from someone you consistently give gifts to. Besides, when you receive a gift, it''s normal to want to give one back. I can''t imagine getting a gift and not wanting to give one in return.

And the fact that she doesn''t even say thank you blows my mind. Honestly, I don''t know why you didn''t stop giving her gifts sooner!
 
I would send an e-card next time.
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hi white orchid :)

it''s time for your deeds to match your feelings; there should be an honest consistency in this sort of thing which i think is missing here. we went through exactly the same issue...

tim''s sister (very self absorbed woman) never sent us anything. ever. i mean EVER. we sent gifts for her, her kids and so on - nothing. no thank you, no note. nothing. after a point we got pretty ticked off and we found her completely self focussed and disinterested in us. basically, we got to a point where we didnt like her much, regardless of the DNA connection.

so here''s the thing.... gifts AND cards - warm sentiment in general - is for people you care about. for people you LIKE - at the very least! my SIL didnt really fit into that category. so we stopped. all of it. it was just so dishonest sending warm, loving cards to someone we knew couldn''t give the time of day about us. as soon pick a random stranger off the street!

until there is warmth of feeling and relationship, gifts AND cards (given that the card is the part of the gift where emotion is supposed to be expressed!) are inappropriate. the relationship doesn''t warrant it. cut her loose for the foreseeable future and give yourself a break - and some honesty. it feels better (less used = less resentment).
 
Most people suck. Your SIL does not seem to buck that trend on this issue.

Afterthought: Did you watch Sex & the City? Do you remember the episode about a womans right to shoes? You situation reminded me of the scene where Carrie totted up how much she had spent on her friend ''celebrating her life choices'' when she gave her zip in return.
 
I agree that it is time to stop giving this person gifts. The fact that her behavior and lack of thanks bothers you so much is reason enough to stop. There are some people we love enough that we are compelled to give them gifts even when we know they are not the thank you note type. If your SIL does not fall into that category, cut her off. Giving a gift should not cause you any stress, it should make you feel good.

As for buying a gift that was beyond your budget, please don't ever feel compelled to do that. Your friends and family don't want you to overextend yourself for them, that's just silly.
 
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