FSIL troubles...again

[Niel]

As many of you may know i have had some issues with my soon to be sil... well yesterday, things got a whole lot worse

sorry for the long post, ill try and bold the important parts

Bachelorette party time. I want something simple, dinner and a bit of a bar crawl. I wanted it to be around Halloween as i always wanted to go out dressed up. Well I hadnt created the event or invited anyone yet, but it was tentatively decided for the weekend before Halloween, as any other day doesnt really work for my schedule. Also, its weird to go out dressed up any other weekend

So.... I get a text from her saying "when will your bachelorette party be?" So I told her. she says "Oh does your sister need anyone to help her plan it?" I told her to ask my sister, as i had nothing to do with the planning.

I get a text from my sister shortly after saying "I get one text from [her] and i already want to smack her i dont know how you do it..."
so i was of course curious as to what she said. Well apparently she asked if we could have it on a SUNDAY because SHE had a different party she would rather go to that day. (WHO HAS A BACHELORETTE PARTY ON A SUNDAY!!

Its a Halloween party her friend throws every year. This would be the 7th years shes done it. I assumed (silly me ) that it wasnt a big deal to maybe miss it, or some of it, for my ONE bachelorette party EVER. Plus, it really was the only day that worked for me, so i threw it that day anyways. now keep in mind an invitation hasnt even gone out for this other party, its just assumed its that day.

We send the invite out on Facie'b and as soon as i do I get a message from her saying "you know thats the same day as [friend]'s party"

I said yeah, you can go to whatever one you wanna go to of course. And her response was 'thats not fair"... WHAT ISNT FAIR? Me having MY party the day I want it?! So I asked her that essentially, but with less emphases and 'tude as i was only slightly annoyed at this point.

Well i get back "clearly you dont want me their and clearly you dont seem to want me in your wedding "
WHAT?!

Im not the one making her miss my ONE bachelorette party because she would rather go to a kegger. This party is not for her, and its one of a dozen her friend has every year! there is NO reason she couldnt come to mine other than the fact she would rather go to the other thing!

So I said basically that you know, im not making you choose her party over mine....

Well i get "ill go to the dinner before then thats it im done!"

Well essentially I told her she was being silly and that sent her over the edge i guess.. saying I was the rudest person she knows blah blah blah.....


Well of course now im

Itold my FI about it and he was too. He called her up to be like WTF Because she has put up a stink about the dresses, the shoes, and now this ... here are some of the things she said

"Im not just going to agree with everything she wants me to do for the wedding, thats not my style. Im not a 'just go with the flow' person".. YOU SHOULD BE!! I expect a bridesmaid to be supportive of what i want her to wear for a wedding and not tell me how much she hates everything im doing. I think every bride expects that.

"You know this day isnt the biggest day of my year!" - no, no its not. Its the biggest day of OUR year. So sense you clearly dont care about it, why not just go with the flow, as clearly i DO care about it!

"you are being selfish!"

HOW AM I SELFISH ?! i want MY party to be on MY schedule! Not yours because you wanna hang out at your friends that night. I am being selfish because I want my bridal party to look the part I imagine for MY wedding? You arent selfish for feeling like YOU should be able to wear whatever YOU want in someone ELSES wedding?

I want to kick her out soooooooooo bad

 

[soxfan]

Good GOD! What an immature little BRAT!!!!! It is YOUR day, YOUR bachelorette party, YOUR rehearsal dinner, whatever. YOU shouldn't be expected to change ANYTHING to accommodate her!

Is this the one you are helping with the ring?

 

[Niel]

Good GOD! What an immature little BRAT!!!!! It is YOUR day, YOUR bachelorette party, YOUR rehearsal dinner, whatever. YOU shouldn't be expected to change ANYTHING to accommodate her!

Is this the one you are helping with the ring?

No im helping his brother find one for his girlfriend.

I know, i tell people about things she does and they assume shes like 17. shes 25 years old!

 

[soxfan]

Good GOD! What an immature little BRAT!!!!! It is YOUR day, YOUR bachelorette party, YOUR rehearsal dinner, whatever. YOU shouldn't be expected to change ANYTHING to accommodate her!

Is this the one you are helping with the ring?

No im helping his brother find one for his girlfriend.

I know, i tell people about things she does and they assume shes like 17. shes 25 years old!

oh, ok. Sorry- I couldn't remember.

Yeah, she is being completely unreasonable. The weekend before halloween gets sketchy around here too. LOTS going on. I throw a party every year, and this year some people are throwing one at the community center. So I asked around to my guests and asked if they wanted to do that instead. They said no, so I am throwing my annual party again.

BUT, couldn't she just do both? Go out with you for a while and crash the other one if it's SUCH a big deal? She can't possibly expect you to change your bachelorette party to a SUNDAY!

 

[Niel]

yes a reasonable person would go to both. I invited the person who is actually throwing the party. SHE said she could go for a little while, even.


But regardless, the person throwing the party oesnt have own the weekend before halloween. And my FSIL is not required to go to it... she could miss it, or even part of it for once in her life...

 

[soxfan]

yes a reasonable person would go to both. I invited the person who is actually throwing the party. SHE said she could go for a little while, even.


But regardless, the person throwing the party oesnt have own the weekend before halloween. And my FSIL is not required to go to it... she could miss it, or even part of it for once in her life...

Right! I LOVE that you chose to do it then so you could dress up. What were you thinking for a costume?? I have YET to find a venue here in the boondocks where we can go OUT dressed up.

Looking forward to moving to Mass!

 

[Smith1942]

Niel, I'm so sorry! When I saw the title of your post, my heart sank but somehow I wasn't surprised, after DressGate a few months ago!

You're right - I also assumed she was about 17!

She is being really, really difficult about your wedding and I think the solution is for your brother to step in. She is not going to stop, no matter what you say or do. If I were your fiance, I would find a time to be alone with my sister. I would tell her that I love this woman and we are going to spend our lives together, and she needs to make her peace with you. I strongly feel that when a family member will not accept a new spouse, be that a mother-in-law, sister-in-law, their relative needs to rein them in. The troublesome in-law needs to know that the new spouse is number one in their family member's life and if they are forced to choose, they will choose the spouse. The troublesome in-law also needs to know that they are making the family member very unhappy by treating their spouse this way.

Basically, your SIL is not going to stop with you. First it was the dress, now it's the bachelorette night. Your fiance needs to put his foot down, hard. Just my opinion!

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Niel. But try to keep your cool, because she wants you to lose it, wants to provoke you into acting like a total rhymes-with-witch, so that then she can have the pleasure of going around saying how awful you are. Bite your tongue, don't fall into the trap, and make your fiance deal with her!

Best of luck xxxx

 

[Niel]

Niel, I'm so sorry! When I saw the title of your post, my heart sank but somehow I wasn't surprised, after DressGate a few months ago!

You're right - I also assumed she was about 17!

She is being really, really difficult about your wedding and I think the solution is for your brother to step in. She is not going to stop, no matter what you say or do. If I were your fiance, I would find a time to be alone with my sister. I would tell her that I love this woman and we are going to spend our lives together, and she needs to make her peace with you. I strongly feel that when a family member will not accept a new spouse, be that a mother-in-law, sister-in-law, their relative needs to rein them in. The troublesome in-law needs to know that the new spouse is number one in their family member's life and if they are forced to choose, they will choose the spouse. The troublesome in-law also needs to know that they are making the family member very unhappy by treating their spouse this way.

Basically, your SIL is not going to stop with you. First it was the dress, now it's the bachelorette night. Your fiance needs to put his foot down, hard. Just my opinion!

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Niel. But try to keep your cool, because she wants you to lose it, wants to provoke you into acting like a total rhymes-with-witch, so that then she can have the pleasure of going around saying how awful you are. Bite your tongue, don't fall into the trap, and make your fiance deal with her!

Best of luck xxxx

Yeah after she blew up at me I've said nothing sense. If she wants to bring me into the mud slinging I'm not going to do it.

FI has spoken with her. And that's when she said all those things about how she won't just go with the flow and how selfish we are.

He called his mother to talk to her about it and his mother basically sided with his sister. Saying he's probably only hearing one side of the story and how girls usually get a say in what they wear in a wedding. Which its like that's not true. That's why that running ugly bridesmaid joke exists.

Their whole family couldn't give two S's. His mother in an enabler telling her that she's not wrong when she acts this selfish.


Oh you know his mother asked me to change the date of my wedding because it interfered with her family being able to go hunting for opening day.

 

[gregchang35]

Niel,

Am so sorry to hear what is going on with the inlaws. But am glad tht you are marrying the sensible one. It is a shame that they are not too keen on both of your special day. I do hope that future dealings go easier as things get more stressful. You are showing much more maturity and composure than MIL AND SIL esp with this stressful planning. I guess you can tell that SIL is directly related to MIL with those actions.

Dust, dust, dust.

Really--- I want to give you big hugs. BIG, BIG HUGS.

 

[Ally T]

Oh Niel! When I read your post I was in such utter disbelief that I laughed my head off!!

You clearly need the patience of a Saint to deal with her & her attitude. I am not very patient with people like that, so probably would have after everything that's happened told her to sling her hook. It's your way or the highway & leave the pouty, childish decisions up to her. That way its her who looks unaccommodating & selfish, not you.

The best advice I was EVER given when planning my own wedding & Hen Party was from my mother. She said to remember that this is OUR day, we should do things the way WE wanted & bugger everyone else & their input & ridiculous suggestions & meddling. So I really want to throw that gold dust of advice over to you, my lovely

 

[justginger]

So. Much. Drama. She sounds like 'one of those', you know? Like she just needs something to whinge and moan about, she thrives off it.

Have your party, have fun, and try not to worry about her. Either she prioritizes you, or she doesn't - either way you're going to have an awesome time.

 

[Niel]

So. Much. Drama. She sounds like 'one of those', you know? Like she just needs something to whinge and moan about, she thrives off it.

Have your party, have fun, and try not to worry about her. Either she prioritizes you, or she doesn't - either way you're going to have an awesome time.

Yes precisely. She is one.of those. She thrives on ANY attention. You know, making vague posts on facieb so someone will ask her what she's talking about. Post things about other peoples kids or other family members to get people to "like " it.

I will have it and I will have more fun without her. But I mean, seriously?

 

[soxfan]

So. Much. Drama. She sounds like 'one of those', you know? Like she just needs something to whinge and moan about, she thrives off it.

Have your party, have fun, and try not to worry about her. Either she prioritizes you, or she doesn't - either way you're going to have an awesome time.

Yes precisely. She is one.of those. She thrives on ANY attention. You know, making vague posts on facieb so someone will ask her what she's talking about. Post things about other peoples kids or other family members to get people to "like " it.

I will have it and I will have more fun without her. But I mean, seriously?

Oh no, NOT one of those. My favorite are the people who "check in" on facebook at the emergency room and wait for 567 "OMG what's wrong?" posts to finally answer.

 

[Laila619]

She is being difficult but stop engaging her. Just ignore her.

 

[junebug17]

She is being difficult but stop engaging her. Just ignore her.

This! She's a pain, and doesn't sound like a very nice person, but from this point on I'd completely ignore her and just continue with your plans. Engaging her isn't going to get you anywhere, and by arguing with her you're just giving her the attention she craves. Just focus on having fun and enjoying your party and your wedding!

 

[Niel]

She is being difficult but stop engaging her. Just ignore her.

This! She's a pain, and doesn't sound like a very nice person, but from this point on I'd completely ignore her and just continue with your plans. Engaging her isn't going to get you anywhere, and by arguing with her you're just giving her the attention she craves. Just focus on having fun and enjoying your party and your wedding!

Well like I said I haven't said a thing to her sense she blew up. Plan not to. Your right I shouldn't engage her. But I have to talk to her as it will cause friction if I do nothing till the wedding. KWIM?

 

[junebug17]

She is being difficult but stop engaging her. Just ignore her.

This! She's a pain, and doesn't sound like a very nice person, but from this point on I'd completely ignore her and just continue with your plans. Engaging her isn't going to get you anywhere, and by arguing with her you're just giving her the attention she craves. Just focus on having fun and enjoying your party and your wedding!

Well like I said I haven't said a thing to her sense she blew up. Plan not to. Your right I shouldn't engage her. But I have to talk to her as it will cause friction if I do nothing till the wedding. KWIM?

Well, if it was me I'd just act like nothing happened. I would just be pleasant and keep any conversations very superficial. That will probably really tick her off lol. Honestly, the ball is in her court. She can attend your party or not. She can be in your bridal party or not. It's up to her. She's already told your FI how she feels...fine. Let her stew in her own unhappiness.

If she brings anything up, just say that's the date, it's up to you if you decide to come. If she gripes to you that you don't want her in your bridal party, just tell her yes I do. It's hard to argue with someone who won't argue back. And it will really annoy her.

 

[momhappy]

I really wouldn't stress over it. You can keep it simple and not engage in the drama if you choose not to. Tell her it was the date you chose and that's that. She can choose to go to either one or both. End of story. She can only drag you down if you let her. My own sister chose not to go to my bachelorette party (about 20 years ago), but in the grand scheme of things, do you think it matters? Heck no. I recall feeling slightly irritated that she didn't go, but then life goes on and you realize how little those sorts of things matter in the big picture.

 

[msop04]

Good GOD! What an immature little BRAT!!!!! It is YOUR day, YOUR bachelorette party, YOUR rehearsal dinner, whatever. YOU shouldn't be expected to change ANYTHING to accommodate her!

Is this the one you are helping with the ring?

+1!!!!!

Oh, Niel... I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this! I agree with everything sox has said -- this is YOUR WEDDING after all!! As you know, I have had some SIL issues come up lately... they suck. I won't even pretend to know what you're going through, as my ordeal pales in comparison to what this wacko is putting your through!!

Of course, I don't know her, but it seems she's being extra difficult about everything "Niel's Wedding" for whatever reason... I know you just want to SCREAM and I don't blame you one bit!!! VENT ALL YOU LIKE!!! If it were me, I'd keep my party exactly as I wanted it (no changes, no exceptions), and let her know that your feelings won't be hurt if she "can't come" but that you understand if she "already had plans" for that day. ...of course, then she'll probably flip out (as stated above) -- just smile and tell her that she's more than welcome to join in whenever is best for her and/or leave early if need be... no big deal at all. This way, if she goes nuts, then well.... she's just acting ridiculous. <--- which you already know she is...

This is my thing... if she comes and has to miss her friends "quarterly kegger", then she's likely gonna have attitude and bitch the whole time, making everyone miserable in what should be a fun, carefree epitome of all GNO's... Honestly, I'd be happy if she didn't show, because it seems that she is going to be difficult either way.

My point being... if you feel you're in a lose-lose situation with this chick... at least make yourself happy.
<GOD, I just want to smack her after reading your post!!!!!>

 

[msop04]

I know, i tell people about things she does and they assume shes like 17. shes 25 years old!

OMG, my SIL is 26!! WTH is wrong with these women???

 

[msop04]

...She is being really, really difficult about your wedding and I think the solution is for your brother to step in. She is not going to stop, no matter what you say or do. If I were your fiance, I would find a time to be alone with my sister. I would tell her that I love this woman and we are going to spend our lives together, and she needs to make her peace with you. I strongly feel that when a family member will not accept a new spouse, be that a mother-in-law, sister-in-law, their relative needs to rein them in. The troublesome in-law needs to know that the new spouse is number one in their family member's life and if they are forced to choose, they will choose the spouse. The troublesome in-law also needs to know that they are making the family member very unhappy by treating their spouse this way.

Basically, your SIL is not going to stop with you. First it was the dress, now it's the bachelorette night. Your fiance needs to put his foot down, hard. Just my opinion!

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Niel. But try to keep your cool, because she wants you to lose it, wants to provoke you into acting like a total rhymes-with-witch, so that then she can have the pleasure of going around saying how awful you are. Bite your tongue, don't fall into the trap, and make your fiance deal with her!
Best of luck xxxx

Niel, I wholeheartedly agree with Smith1942... it seems like whatever you do, she's going to have an issue, so let the DF step in... Again, I'm soooooo sorry -- I don't get to Hangout much at all, but when I read some of your threads, my heart just sank for you... If you remain the mature, calm, level-headed one in this mess -- and believe me, I know it's hard -- either she will come around, or everyone will get to see how ridiculously immature she's acting. Just keep taking the high road, if anything, to show everyone else exactly who has the problem... KWIM?

 

[msop04]

So. Much. Drama. She sounds like 'one of those', you know? Like she just needs something to whinge and moan about, she thrives off it.

Have your party, have fun, and try not to worry about her. Either she prioritizes you, or she doesn't - either way you're going to have an awesome time.

Yes precisely. She is one.of those. She thrives on ANY attention. You know, making vague posts on facieb so someone will ask her what she's talking about. Post things about other peoples kids or other family members to get people to "like " it. I will have it and I will have more fun without her. But I mean, seriously?

Oh no, NOT one of those. My favorite are the people who "check in" on facebook at the emergency room and wait for 567 "OMG what's wrong?" posts to finally answer.

I cracked up when I read this!! (my SIL does this very same thing!!!) Why are ppl so starved for attention?? Facebook totally acts as an enabler.

My favorites are the ones who will post something like, "...just finished at the gym -- 3 hours for the 3rd week in a row!! GO ME!! ...even got my 10 mile jog in! Whew!" or post a photo of them in workout clothes and say, "About to get my fitness on!" or "Just signed up for my town's 10K, so I've gotta start training -- Who's with me?"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(sorry, I know that's off topic, but "fishing" statements all the same...)

 

[kenny]

Screw the bitch.
Kick her out of your wedding and out of your life.
If your fiancé has a problem with this reconsider marring into his family.

I don't understand families.

 

[movie zombie]

sigh.
well, its time for your fiancé to handle all communications with her.
seriously.

however, the pithy side of me says you missed an opportunity for complete honesty when she said "you don't want me in your wedding"..... a simple "this is my wedding and i'm interested in people being involved that want MY day to be the very best day of my life" and then hang up.

my fear is that she's going to show up at the wedding not in the dress you purchased and/or is going to make a scene there. I hope your fiancé understands that there is no way that would be ok.

so very sorry about all this.

 

[JewelFreak]

AAARRRGGG, Niel! Weddings are enough hassle without this idiot & her melodramatics. I can't add much that everyone else hasn't said, but the cooler you are, the less she'll gain & the more frustrated she'll be. Take 5 deep breaths & let her craziness roll off -- maybe picture yourself on the beach with a BIG MARGHERITA (or have a real one!).

If your FI or you has to pull her back again, she should be reminded that this day is not about her -- though she's doing her darnedest to make it so.

This pattern is one you will likely be dealing with the rest of your married life. Hard truth is that the sooner you (both) learn to step around her & keep going, the less stressful she can make things. Besides, it'll drive her nuts.

--- Laurie

 

[sonnyjane]

Screw the bitch.
Kick her out of your wedding and out of your life.
If your fiancé has a problem with this reconsider marring into his family.

I don't understand families.

This. This. 1,000 times this. I know it's "complicated", but by keeping her in your party, you're ensuring that you have drama and egg-shell-walking moments up to and including your wedding day.

 

[Niel]

Screw the bitch.
Kick her out of your wedding and out of your life.
If your fiancé has a problem with this reconsider marring into his family.

I don't understand families.

This. This. 1,000 times this. I know it's "complicated", but by keeping her in your party, you're ensuring that you have drama and egg-shell-walking moments up to and including your wedding day.

My Fi does not want me to throw her out. Not because he doesnt want her out, but because he knows ill be painted the villain in his families eye. His family doesnt ever do anything to temper her selfish tendencies. Havent as long as ive been around, and from what my FI tells me, sense forever. Hes concerned ill be forever painted as the B*** because they will chalk it up to "oh shes just being typical her."

After how she responded after my FI talk to her, my FI is considering throwing her out himself, he has said if she doesnt apologies to me shortly hes going to ask her not to be in it.

 

[Niel]

sigh.
well, its time for your fiancé to handle all communications with her.
seriously.

however, the pithy side of me says you missed an opportunity for complete honesty when she said "you don't want me in your wedding"..... a simple "this is my wedding and i'm interested in people being involved that want MY day to be the very best day of my life" and then hang up.

my fear is that she's going to show up at the wedding not in the dress you purchased and/or is going to make a scene there. I hope your fiancé understands that there is no way that would be ok.

so very sorry about all this.

Yes i had to fight the urge to tell something snarky when she said that to me. or tell her she was right!

As for what scene she will make, i assume she will wear shoes i dont want (i asked her not to wear white, so i think she probably will) and try and give a speech.

 

[rubyshoes]

OMG this crazy woman just does not stop, does she? Needs a big swift kick in the pants!!! (Sorry I don't have more constructive advice but good God!)

 

[Rosebloom]

Oh I'm so sorry Niel. What a crappy situation! I have nothing else to add but I'm bummed and mad on your behalf!