Friends with an Ex?

[funnyface786]

As of right now, for those who know, I posted a whole thread a while ago about a breakup with my SO of 1 year that I saw myself seriously marrying one day. Long story short, he pulled the rug and just randomly came to me one day with "I''m not into this... I don''t know if I want to be together anymore". He haven''t talked since then, (about 2 1/2 months). I did my crying and being insanely angry and confused, however, I finally got past that crazy part and decided I wanted to make en effort to make some peace and fully move forward. Just tired of the silence and not knowing how else to process it, other than with anger and confusion. Also, I am a bridesmaid of a mutual friend of ours, and this wedding where I knew I would have to see him again for the first time is looming...

I contacted him and made it clear that I thought it was immature of us to pretend like the other doesn''t exist, and I really didn''t want things to be awkward at the wedding. I said I wanted to make something good about this, and at least acknowledge eachother''s existence again, and try to be friends. He fully agreed.

So he talks to me occasionally (online), here and there. Sometimes it feels good to be moving on, sometimes I still feel sad, but most of the time its still always awkward. Sometimes I still miss him, sometimes I want to move on. The only thing I know for sure is that I wanted that contact to be open with him, especially since we are in the same circle of friends.

We haven''t talked about the breakup at all. Its still this strange phase where we are acting like friends that haven''t talked in a while, but I have no idea what will come from this.

Have any of you gone through this? Can you be "friends" with an ex?

 

[suchende]

yes, after you start dating someone new who you like more

 

[Squirrly]

i''m friends with two of mine, one of which we went through a particularly nasty break up. i''m on friendly speaking terms with another but we''re not all that close, and there''s one that i don''t talk to any more, but i say hi to his wife occasionally.

it takes time and starts out a little awkward but it''s completely doable, especially if you start talking awhile after the break-up like you two did.

 

[purselover]

I really have no experience with this, so I'm not sure if my thoughts are acually relevant in anyway but I have seen this with some of my friends. My take on exes is this, you can have friends in common and hang out together with that group, going out to drinks or dinner all together etc, but actually friends where like the 2 of you would have dinner alone I just don't think that's the norm. I'm sure somewhere some people do this, and I could even see this happening after a lot of time goes by after the break up, but being friends after breaking up 2 months ago, idk.

eta ....lol after reading others responses I clearly don't know what I'm talking about!

 

[Resonance.Of.Life]

I don''t know if it''d be a good idea for you or if the question of "why" would always be looming there.

As for myself, I still remain friends with all but one of my exes. However, we always left on good terms with no ill will or "what ifs" or "why''s" looming in the air.

I wish you all the best.. and I hope things end up well for you.

 

[princesss]

I can be polite to an ex, and I can be freindly. But I can''t (and won''t) be friends with somebody I thought I''d spend my life with.

 

[CurlySue]

I think it depends on how you are defining what a "friend" is... I think you can be friendly, cordial, share social experiences where you are in the presence of others. Do I think you can have a close, let''s-tell-each-other-everything kind of friendship? Very doubtful. I know there are some rare instances where that can happen, but... not many.

For me personally, I have maybe one or two ex-BFs that I email with a few times a year, but those relationships weren''t super-serious relationships. We never saw a future with each other, so it was much easier to move on. We genuinely liked each other as people, but we always knew we weren''t meant to be together forever. So staying in touch is fun, and it''s easy to hear about how our personal lives are moving along.

I have another ex who I used to stay in touch with, but soon after we decided we could be friends, we realized there was some deep-rooted resentment coming from both sides. So we put on good faces for awhile, but soon afterwards we just fell out of touch. Our relationship was very intense and rocky throughout. We had amazing chemistry but wanted very different things.

So... short story long, I don''t know if it''s possible. I think it depends greatly on the two people involved and how their relationship progressed and ended.

I think it''s worth it to give it a shot, but you need to know yourself and be aware of what you can and cannot handle emotionally.

 

[decodelighted]

It depends on how you define "friends". I''d say yes to "friendLY" but no to "friends". Maybe "cordial" is a way to put it ... if you''re in the same circles. One ex of mine shared a few friends and I always respected the way he''d only speak well of me after the breakup. We ran in the same professional circles too & from time to time would have to contact each other re: work etc. -- all friendly but not "friends". We are now "facebook friends" (12 yrs later lol) But not "go out" friends. Or chat on the phone friends. Its just not necessary or wise. What does TG say about not playing with fire or even fumbling with kindling or something?

My other two significant exes do NOT run in the same circles and I feel any contact would be inappropriate. Like: why? If I ran into them in the street I''d be polite & inquire after their lives etc but I would feel any seeking out of them for curiosity sake or them seeking me out is disrespectful to my beloved husband.

 

[sammyj]

Date: 6/23/2009 1:18:42 PM
Author: suchende
yes, after you start dating someone new who you like more

I don''t know if you''re joking suchende, but I actually agree! If my ex was someone I had deep feelings for and I still missed him at times, I don''t think I could have a platonic relationship with him unless there was someone else in my life that made me feel the same way if not better. I wouldn''t want to associate lifelong, romantic feelings with someone who''s just a ''friend.''

I''m not really friends with any of my exes. I haven''t spoken to most of them in years but I know that if I ran into them things would be friendly and cordial.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 6/23/2009 1:00:22 PM
Author:funnyface786
Can you be ''friends'' with an ex?

Not with one that I was in love with, wanted to marry, and he dumped me.

If it were a mutual breakup, then maybe. That''s just my opinion though.

 

[tlh]

Nope. But I''m not a nice lady. I tried to stay friends with an ex because we were best friends... honestly I really wanted to remain friends. Well it was selfish of me. He always wanted more, and wanted to get back together. I unintentionally strung him along. That was mean and selfish of me.

I don''t do exes. Nope. I was only friends with one ex and that is because we broke up because we were too much alike. But neither of us was in love with the other. That said, after my nuptuals... I let him drift away... but that was more because of my naked rule. If I intentionally saw you naked, we don''t socialize. This is out of respect for my DH. I am a flirt by nature, and that is just playing with fire. Men and women were made to be puzzle pieces, to fit together in one magical way... if you finished the puzzle with this person, you are not allowed to be friends after making the puzzle with your husband.

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 6/23/2009 2:03:13 PM
Author: tlh
Nope. But I''m not a nice lady. I tried to stay friends with an ex because we were best friends... honestly I really wanted to remain friends. Well it was selfish of me. He always wanted more, and wanted to get back together. I unintentionally strung him along. That was mean and selfish of me.

I don''t do exes. Nope. I was only friends with one ex and that is because we broke up because we were too much alike. But neither of us was in love with the other. That said, after my nuptuals... I let him drift away... but that was more because of my naked rule. If I intentionally saw you naked, we don''t socialize. This is out of respect for my DH. I am a flirt by nature, and that is just playing with fire. Men and women were made to be puzzle pieces, to fit together in one magical way... if you finished the puzzle with this person, you are not allowed to be friends after making the puzzle with your husband.

Me either! Let ''em stay in the past!

 

[suchende]

Date: 6/23/2009 1:55:21 PM
Author: sammyj

Date: 6/23/2009 1:18:42 PM
Author: suchende
yes, after you start dating someone new who you like more

I don''t know if you''re joking suchende, but I actually agree! If my ex was someone I had deep feelings for and I still missed him at times, I don''t think I could have a platonic relationship with him unless there was someone else in my life that made me feel the same way if not better. I wouldn''t want to associate lifelong, romantic feelings with someone who''s just a ''friend.''

I''m not really friends with any of my exes. I haven''t spoken to most of them in years but I know that if I ran into them things would be friendly and cordial.

It''s a joke in the "funny but true" sense.

 

[LilyKat]

I agree with Deco that it's perfectly possible to remain civil and friendly, but actually friends? For me, it would be difficult to define the boundaries, especially if we were both still single. The exception would be if I were friends with someone for a long time, and only dated them briefly with minimal emotional involvement - then we could go back to just friends.

I think it's much easier if both parties are in happy relationships - then the boundaries become clear. Otherwise it's just so easy to slip back into a relationship you decided to leave. Personally I think it's better to make a clean break, while of course remaining pleasant if you happen to bump into each other. There are plenty of other friends out there

ETA: The fact that you're still having conflicting feelings about him, to me, indicates you're not ready to re-start a casual friendship yet. I would strongly discourage the unnecessary contact. It's still not been that long since the break-up.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

My litmus test is to ask yourself if you'd be fine with him dating somebody new and talking with you about it. If your ex had a new girlfriend and you could casually talk about it without being jealous/upset, then you're ready to be friends. If the thought of it is painful at all, you're not ready. There's nothing wrong with not talking, nor is there any need to be friends--you should only take that step if/when you are ready and do want to be friends.

 

[Bjedifish]

Date: 6/23/2009 1:23:01 PM
Author: princesss
I can be polite to an ex, and I can be freindly. But I can''t (and won''t) be friends with somebody I thought I''d spend my life with.

exactly! I can''t be friends with my ex...but it also doesn''t help the cause that he''s an idiot and a manboy.

 

[trillionaire]

IMO, 2.5 months is WAAAAAAAY to soon to be trying to be friends with an ex of over a year who you thought you would marry. Give yourself a few years...

Seriously though... inless you are ready to hear him talking about his new girlfriend, and how he is really excited about her, yadda yadda yadda, I would say it''s probably too soon.

I broke up with an ex in college, and it was about 3 years before we could actually be friends. Now we can meet for dinner, drinks, talk about my current SO, talk about his GF''s and exes, he wants to come to my wedding, etc. We are and can be friends, but it took time. And yes, we too have mutual friends.

 

[Treasure43]

I guess it all depends on the person, the intensity of the relationship, and how it ended. I know personally, I''ve never been able to stay friends with any ex I had strong feelings for or was in a serious realtionship with. There were always too many emotions when we were together and someone always had stronger feelings for the other. However, for some people it works. Usually I think those people have been broken up for a few years and had time to heal and move on. If you still miss him and feel sad at times, you may want to limit yourself to casual contact only when necessary. It''s up to you, but it hasn''t been too long and it seems like there might be strong feelings below the surface. This could lead to you getting hurt down the road. I''ve traveled that path before, soon after an intense breakup and it didn''t end well because I hadn''t moved on with my life and gotten over him. Ultimatly, the choice is yours, but if I was you I would leave the past in the past, be polite to him if you see him, and move on with your life. Good luck with whatever you decide!

 

[SeattleSweetheart]

That''s a tuffy.

I''m friendly with my ex-husband, but I was the one that left him after trying really hard to save the marriage.

We weren''t really great friends when we were married so I didn''t have any expectation of being great friends after the marriage.

I agree with NewEnglandLady that if you can be fine with him dating someone else then you can be friends,
but if you still want to be his girlfriend in any way, then stay away. He''ll just break your heart again if he hasn''t changed and it doesn''t sound like he has.

Good luck with this one.

 

[iheartscience]

I would look hard at my motivation for wanting to be friends with someone with such a recent and painful break up. Are you really hoping he''ll see that he was wrong about you and want to get back together?

If you just broke up 2.5 months ago and you were thinking you''d spend the rest of your life with him, I don''t think it''s wise or healthy to try to be friends with him. You don''t need to cause a scene, but being coolly civil towards him if your paths cross is more than enough, in my opinion.

And to answer your question, I''m never friends with my exes. In fact, I don''t even talk to any of the serious ones. I do talk to one of my exes occasionally, but we broke up about 9 years ago, and it''s been so long that there''s not even a smidge of feelings on either side. But I certainly wouldn''t call us friends, either.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

For me, being friends with an ex was never possible. To much was attached to my past relationships, and it was baggage I didn''t want anymore. Not all my relationships ended badly, but it still wasn''t something I was personally interested in. I once had an ex ask me flat out if we could be friends...and I told him we could be friends -- with other people. But, that''s just my personal stance.

However, if you''re really interested in considering it, I think you need to evaluate yourself first before making a choice.

Outside of the obvious pitfalls, like the fact that you''ve been intimate emotionally and physically...you need to decide if you can be "happy" for him. How will you feel when he meets someone he''s nuts about, someone he wants a future with? And be honest, because this is probably something that will happen, and as a friendly (not an ex-lover) you need to be sincerely happy. How will you feel if he treats you like a friend--and nothing more? Can you stop "hoping" that he''ll "come back" and realize his mistake? From your posting, it sounds like you''re not past him yet, so this is something that you need to be cautious of. If his intentions are purely friendship, and yours aren''t...well, that spells trouble.

I can understand completely your desire to be "friends"...this was a man that you spent a long time loving. But sometimes it''s not whats best for you. Don''t make the prospect of a social event force you into something you''re not ready for. Most of my ex''s live or have lived in my town, I''ve bumped into them off and on over the years...on the occasion that I was confronted by them, I''ve been polite, but I never let the fact that I would see them again influence my choice to remain distant. Yes, you''ll see him at a wedding...but that doesn''t mean you have to open your life to him. You can easily remain polite without forming a full-blown friendship, same as you would if you bumped into him at a bar, or concert, or mall.

Also, if you''re thinking about adding him to your circle of friends...the rules still apply. Weigh what he''ll bring against what he''ll take...as your friend. If you just met him, does he have the qualities of a person you''d randomly befriend minus all your personal history? If not, then forget it. IMO, strictly from the way he treated you, I''d have to assume that he isn''t the type "good friend" type. You''re not obligated to do anything.

 

[princessplease]

I''m cordial with one of my exes. Although we broke up in 2005, we never really stopped talking on a somewhat regular basis until last February, which is when I starting hanging out with FI. My ex and I also hung out sometimes, but it was hard to pretend the past wasn''t there. My ex now has a child and a FI, and I have my FI. He''s on my facebook, and we say hi occasionally, but that''s about it.
My other exes, they''re a no go. They burned me, lied to me, etc, so I would never befriend them.

 

[AdiS]

Date: 6/23/2009 2:07:03 PM
Author: TheBigT

Date: 6/23/2009 2:03:13 PM
Author: tlh
Nope. But I''m not a nice lady. I tried to stay friends with an ex because we were best friends... honestly I really wanted to remain friends. Well it was selfish of me. He always wanted more, and wanted to get back together. I unintentionally strung him along. That was mean and selfish of me.

I don''t do exes. Nope. I was only friends with one ex and that is because we broke up because we were too much alike. But neither of us was in love with the other. That said, after my nuptuals... I let him drift away... but that was more because of my naked rule. If I intentionally saw you naked, we don''t socialize. This is out of respect for my DH. I am a flirt by nature, and that is just playing with fire. Men and women were made to be puzzle pieces, to fit together in one magical way... if you finished the puzzle with this person, you are not allowed to be friends after making the puzzle with your husband.

Me either! Let ''em stay in the past!

+1

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 6/23/2009 2:00:52 PM
Author: fiery

Date: 6/23/2009 1:00:22 PM

Author:funnyface786

Can you be ''friends'' with an ex?

Not with one that I was in love with, wanted to marry, and he dumped me.


If it were a mutual breakup, then maybe. That''s just my opinion though.

I''m with her...especially if A, you were blindsided by the breakup, and B, if it''s only been a few months.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 6/23/2009 1:36:01 PM
Author: decodelighted
It depends on how you define ''friends''. I''d say yes to ''friendLY'' but no to ''friends''. Maybe ''cordial'' is a way to put it ... if you''re in the same circles.

Ditto that. Being "friends" has never worked for me. There''s always just a wee bit of awkwardness, even years later. And it''s never nice for a new SO to see you hanging out with an ex, so I just don''t do it.

 

[funnyface786]

wow wow, lots of wise ladies here!

As for my own personal dilemma, since I''ve never really had the desire to be friends with an ex before until now (all of my previous relationships were not that serious and I had no interest in even talking to them after we were done), its funny because I sort of got closer to getting an answer the other day when my ex actually CALLED. I was already past the hating and crying part so I picked up. Caught up with eachother and finally talked about the breakup and how he just didn''t want to do it anymore, and he still felt that way. And I was actually very okay with that.

What I thought would be a devastating phone call was not sad at all, and on the contrary, gave me a feeling of peace. It was exactly that closure I needed to hear and after that... even when talking with him, I didn''t feel that want for him as a boyfriend anymore. But we still talked, quite comfortably, like before, and both expressed a desire to be friends. And it did feel like talking to a friend. Made me realize that maybe we''ve been "just friends" for quite some time, even when the relationship part was not doing so hot but we would still talk to eachother all the time. Now the relationship worries are over, and perhaps, that was just something we were trying to make it into but it just didn''t work.

Anyway, I fully take all concerns of caution seriously - I know that I still need to take it slow and this doesn''t mean we''re best friends. But as of right now, I WOULD be okay with just talking, because I realize that he can''t make me happy in a relationship. I truly understand that this may be too soon compared to most standards, but I guess I might be an exception.

I''ve always been an honor student in the schools of "everything happens for a reason" and "pay attention to what is given to you in life". Just always try to see the positive in every situation, and its really helped me see things more clearly oftentimes. I was given someone that I quite truly felt L-O-V-E for, but in reality, I wanted something that never really existed, because he never felt the same way about me. But, now I see him as quite possibly a good friend, and everyone else as opportunities for a new relationship. If it works out that we can be friends, fantastic. If not... then oh well.

Just wanted to let you all know about my a-typical new spin on this.

 

[Squirrly]

Date: 6/24/2009 11:48:27 PM
Author: funnyface786
Anyway, I fully take all concerns of caution seriously - I know that I still need to take it slow and this doesn''t mean we''re best friends. But as of right now, I WOULD be okay with just talking, because I realize that he can''t make me happy in a relationship. I truly understand that this may be too soon compared to most standards, but I guess I might be an exception.


I''ve always been an honor student in the schools of ''everything happens for a reason'' and ''pay attention to what is given to you in life''. Just always try to see the positive in every situation, and its really helped me see things more clearly oftentimes. I was given someone that I quite truly felt L-O-V-E for, but in reality, I wanted something that never really existed, because he never felt the same way about me. But, now I see him as quite possibly a good friend, and everyone else as opportunities for a new relationship. If it works out that we can be friends, fantastic. If not... then oh well.


Just wanted to let you all know about my a-typical new spin on this.

i''m happy you got your closure! and you''re being exceptionally rational about this. i hope the friendship works out for you, but like you said, if not, oh well, can''t say you didn''t try.

 

[Callisto]

From my experience its possible but don''t rush it. One of my bf''s and I ended on really good terms and tried to be friends right away and despite a peaceful breakup it was still too hard and stressful for us to be friends too quickly. We wound up getting in fights all the time about really stupid things. We eventually just gave the whole idea a little break and tried again a few months later and have now managed to stay friends for a number of years.

Basically, yes I think its totally possible, but I always stress to my girlfriends not to expect it to happen overnight. Especially if you have a lot of history with the guy, just accept that its going to take a while to get past that even if you think you''re "over him."

 

[Indylady]

Date: 6/23/2009 1:23:01 PM
Author: princesss
I can be polite to an ex, and I can be freindly. But I can''t (and won''t) be friends with somebody I thought I''d spend my life with.

Gotta ditto this.

 

[Erinleigh]

I can be civil with all of my exes, but am by no means friends with any of them. As tlh expertly put it... I don''t do exes either.