Friend Ignored Advice, Got Mugged - What Do I Do?

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Your friend is alive and well.

Full stop.

cheers--Sharon

+1 to infinity.


Sharon, sorry to be dittoing you all the time but that's what you get for being such a wise PSer. (((Hugs))).

Missy, although I do not deserve such credit, I'll let you know you always make my day. YOU are the real deal! (thread hijack over....)

cheers--Sharon

 

[missy]

HI:

Your friend is alive and well.

Full stop.

cheers--Sharon

+1 to infinity.


Sharon, sorry to be dittoing you all the time but that's what you get for being such a wise PSer. (((Hugs))).

Missy, although I do not deserve such credit, I'll let you know you always make my day. YOU are the real deal! (thread hijack over....)

cheers--Sharon

Same here Sharon. I mean it from my heart. (((Hugs))).

 

[D_]

Thanks tyty & CJ,

He got hurt but he survived the ordeal.
He didn't ask for my advice but I gave a heads up anyway because I knew there was a high likelihood for it to happen and I didn't want to have to deal with it (listen to his misery etc.) if it happened because I personally think it could have been avoided (not by not travelling but by doing things more responsibly).
Well it happened and he complained about it and tried to justify his actions. I mostly stayed quiet.
I understand he was free to do whatever he wanted and could ignore what I said, just don't guilt trip me when I don't want to have anything to do with the aftermath.

He's otherwise a great friend, but things like this really pushes my button. Staying quiet doesn't work for me, one day I'll just explode. Giving him a piece of my mind after the fact, like some of you have pointed, won't work too. So I'll need to find a way to address this.

I don't think I have the responsibility to change his way, do I?
Do I have the responsibility as a friend to listen to him and offer support, sympathy, empathy etc. (even if I don't want to)?
What if it's someone I dearly love, like someone had mentioned earlier, like a family member (brother, sister, etc.)?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Thanks tyty & CJ,

He got hurt but he survived the ordeal.
He didn't ask for my advice but I gave a heads up anyway because I knew there was a high likelihood for it to happen and I didn't want to have to deal with it (listen to his misery etc.) if it happened because I personally think it could have been avoided (not by not travelling but by doing things more responsibly).
Well it happened and he complained about it and tried to justify his actions. I mostly stayed quiet.
I understand he was free to do whatever he wanted and could ignore what I said, just don't guilt trip me when I don't want to have anything to do with the aftermath.

He's otherwise a great friend, but things like this really pushes my button. Staying quiet doesn't work for me, one day I'll just explode. Giving him a piece of my mind after the fact, like some of you have pointed, won't work too. So I'll need to find a way to address this.

I don't think I have the responsibility to change his way, do I?
Do I have the responsibility as a friend to listen to him and offer support, sympathy, empathy etc. (even if I don't want to)?
What if it's someone I dearly love, like someone had mentioned earlier, like a family member (brother, sister, etc.)?

The only responsibility you have is in your behavior. I think this is more about the type of friend YOU are, not the type of friend he is. He did not ask your advice...PERIOD. It does not matter if you disagree with the way he dresses or acts. He is a grown-up and his behavior does not effect you in a direct way. So what do you do...nothing. Let it go.

 

[junebug17]

I don't think you should say anything more, it will probably just lead to an argument because he sounds very defensive. I'm just speculating, but I have a feeling in his heart of hearts he knows now you gave good advice; maybe he's embarrassed and that's why he's trying to justify his actions. And who knows, he might have been mugged anyway even if he followed your advice. I'm sure the whole experience was extremely traumatic for him and the important thing is he wasn't more badly hurt, or even killed. I think I'd just tell him I'm glad he's ok and leave it at that. There are certain times with friends and family that you just have to let things go and I think this is one of those times.

 

[CJ2008]

Thanks tyty & CJ,

He got hurt but he survived the ordeal.
He didn't ask for my advice but I gave a heads up anyway because I knew there was a high likelihood for it to happen and I didn't want to have to deal with it (listen to his misery etc.) if it happened because I personally think it could have been avoided (not by not travelling but by doing things more responsibly).
Well it happened and he complained about it and tried to justify his actions. I mostly stayed quiet.
I understand he was free to do whatever he wanted and could ignore what I said, just don't guilt trip me when I don't want to have anything to do with the aftermath.

He's otherwise a great friend, but things like this really pushes my button. Staying quiet doesn't work for me, one day I'll just explode. Giving him a piece of my mind after the fact, like some of you have pointed, won't work too. So I'll need to find a way to address this.

I don't think I have the responsibility to change his way, do I?
Do I have the responsibility as a friend to listen to him and offer support, sympathy, empathy etc. (even if I don't want to)?
What if it's someone I dearly love, like someone had mentioned earlier, like a family member (brother, sister, etc.)?

You sound like a pretty tough cookie D_

I would have a hard time being friends with you because I'm fairly sensitive.

That wouldn't make either one of us wrong for being how we are.

So no, I don't think you have a responsibility to offer anything that you don't want to offer. You give what you want to give and he then needs to figure out whether it is enough for him.

If it's not you both either accept each other for who you are and look at other positive / good aspects of the friendship to keep going or you compromise and you try to give each other a little more of what the other one wants.

I don't know - I'm beginning to think you should tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that you're glad he's ok but you find it annoying he didn't take your advice and then expects you to listen to him complain. Maybe by being 100% honest is the only way you can be yourself and are therefore giving him the chance to decide what to do with that. Maybe he'll actually see your point. He may not like you for it, he may decide he doesn't want to be friends with you any more, or maybe it will be one of those things that once you accept each other for how you truly think it may actually make your bond stronger. Because I think if you say nothing but you resent him underneath you're not being true and may be more unfair to the friendship than saying what you want to say. Let it out and see if you can work it out from a place of truth.

 

[MollyMalone]

Were you angry that he was not in touch with you while he was away?

No need, of course, for you to answer, but here's why I've been wondering.
The sardonic Of course, I didn't get to know this until after [his return] "; the fact that you didn't immediately ask "omg,what happened?" upon seeing him; that his black eye might be attributable to his not heeding your advice is apparently "the worst" that could happen & you had "nothing good to say" about that; plus, your continued indignation all seem (to me) incongruent with/disproportionate to his "offense" of not following your unsolicited advice re how to dress-carry himself.

So of course he went and ignored my advice and got mugged (thankfully he was still smart enough to keep his travel document safe in his hotel). He was also the type that won't go down with a fight. So after trying to fight the violent assault, he ended up with bruises, a few cuts and broken ribs.
Of course I didn't get to know this until after he came to my place one day after he got back and I might have looked a bit puzzled when I saw his black eye (hey, I can't always assume the worst, right?), and he launched into a litany of "wtf, what barbaric people, in this day and age? Seriously? I could understand it better if it were to be in a developing country*, but I went to a developed country. Isn't it supposed to be safe there, people should be cultured, none of this @#$%^ should ever happened etc."
I tried my best to bite my tongue because I know I have nothing good to say (I'm not sure I even wanted to say anything good).
Looked like I didn't do a good job in not showing where I stand on this matter, because even without saying anything he shot a look at me and continued ....

For whatever reasons, you wanted to deny him outright sympathy. But even saying something neutral, at least after the first "litany" -- like, "Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry [I assume you weren't feeling gleeful he'd been attacked]. It could have happened anywhere, but it's especially lousy that it happened on your vacation. How were you able to get emergency treatment without your wallet, any credit or insurance cards; did you have to wait long to be attended to at the ER?" -- might have precipitated a real conversation instead of the second litany that you resent for having taken even more of your time.

The "what do I do next" query may be academic. There's probably little doubt in his mind that you did not-do not

want to have anything to do with the aftermath [of ignoring your travel advice].

 

[sunseeker101]

Hello there. I haven't read everything but if this guy is a genuine friend to you and vice versa, I reckon telling the diplomatic truth is in order. Is it possible to view his ideas as reality-denying idealism, and how old is he? In any case, how about going for the truth that you felt compelled to give him the heads-up out of concern and out of a desire to be a good friend by warning him about issues that you knew from experience could cause him major grief, and outside of the argument between you both about how to look at what happened, you're feeling a bit sour that he hasn't acknowledged your desire or effort to help him?

Is it true that if he first appeared with the statement that should he have listened to your good advice and avoided damage that you'd have no problem sympathizing with and supporting him? It might be a step-dance timing error in the communication and all you have to do is clarify your thinking for him. Just a thought and good luck with the resolution.

 

[D_]

Thank you, all.
I'm glad I discussed it here.
I'm learning more, even about myself.

The worst that could have happened (at least I think) is that if he'd died.
He would have lost his life.
I would have lost a close friend (I'll still be mad at how things transpire but mostly sad).
His other friends would probably feel the same.
His family would be grieving and emotionally distressed.
But I don't think he (maybe ever) thinks that way.
He thinks what he does is his rights, especially because it doesn't/won't harm/hurt anybody.
But won't it, really?

Yes I think this warrants a conversation/diplomatic truth.
Thank you again.

 

[MollyMalone]

Good grief, why do you feel the need to lecture him; isn't the fact that he was robbed & brutally assaulted consequences enough?

As I indicated above, I doubt you would have heard about "rights", etc. had you not greeted him with cold disapproval -- but you did, and I think it very likely that came across to him as you making the violent crime "all about D". (This is not to say I applaud what he said, but rather to offer you a probable reason as to why you got pushback.)

Maybe there are other, genuinely meaningful reasons for initiating a heart-to-heart with him, if he's willing to talk with you after you made clear your disdain/contempt last week. But this ain't one of them, and I hope you'll reconsider the idea that getting on your high horse, to assume the role of a mother scolding her child for not following her directives, is a good way to "fight for [a] friendship" (quoting from your 17:45 post on March 11) between adults.

 

[D_]

No, I'm not going to lecture him.
Even though I disagree with him, it's not my place to do so, like many of you have pointed out.

The conversation refers to what Aelion & CJ had suggested, as it also applies and will apply to many circumstances.
If you think I should wait until there are other reasons/incident before bringing this up (the underlying "this", not this specific incident), then wait I shall. It's not like I'll need to wait long anyway.
And I'll remember to get off my horse and let it graze while I talk to him

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I respect the fact that you are keeping an open mind while reading the feedback and are learning things about yourself. I think that is great. However, I think your friend has the right to dress anyway he wants. I would not discuss it anymore. As I said in my original post, let it go. You are trying to control him and that will only leave you frustrated and angry. I promise. He is an adult and he did not even ask for your advice. I am sorry but in this case I side with your friend. I was just teaching my patients healthy communication today. I love using Transactional Analysis (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis) when teaching assertiveness. The theory says we have three communication ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child. From my limited perspective it sounds like you are acting like a critical parent. Naturally he is responding as a maladaptive child. Pull back and try to access your adult ego state. Healthy communication is vital in any healthy relationship.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I respect the fact that you are keeping an open mind while reading the feedback and are learning things about yourself. I think that is great. However, I think your friend has the right to dress anyway he wants. I would not discuss it anymore. As I said in my original post, let it go. You are trying to control him and that will only leave you frustrated and angry. I promise. He is an adult and he did not even ask for your advice. I am sorry but in this case I side with your friend. I was just teaching my patients healthy communication today. I love using Transactional Analysis (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis) when teaching assertiveness. The theory says we have three communication ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child. From my limited perspective it sounds like you are acting like a critical parent. Naturally he is responding as a maladaptive child. Pull back and try to access your adult ego state. Healthy communication is vital in any healthy relationship.

ETA: Just saw your latest post! Sounds like a great plan!!!

 

[MollyMalone]

I respect the fact that you are keeping an open mind while reading the feedback and are learning things about yourself. I think that is great. However, I think your friend has the right to dress anyway he wants. I would not discuss it anymore. As I said in my original post, let it go. You are trying to control him and that will only leave you frustrated and angry. I promise. He is an adult and he did not even ask for your advice. I am sorry but in this case I side with your friend. I was just teaching my patients healthy communication today. I love using Transactional Analysis (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis) when teaching assertiveness. The theory says we have three communication ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child. From my limited perspective it sounds like you are acting like a critical parent. Naturally he is responding as a maladaptive child. Pull back and try to access your adult ego state. Healthy communication is vital in any healthy relationship.

ETA: Just saw your latest post! Sounds like a great plan!!!

+1!! (And I'll shout out a special Yay for your idea, D, of holding off, not using this particular incident as the vehicle for airing more significant, overarching issues.)

 

[Sky56]

All you can do is give a friend good advice, and if they ignore it, it's their right, they have free will. Something happened recently in a similar vein. "Marie" moved to a big city, she looked for and got a job. She told us that she will ride her bicycle to work. Home to work was a long trek in heavy traffic on roads we knew would be very dangerous. We warned her and advised against it, but she did it anyway. On the second day of bicycling to work, she got in a bad accident and was hurt. We felt bad, but we did the best we could by warning her. (This happened last year. She recovered and is alright now, but still...it seemed foolish for her not to listen.)

 

[LLJsmom]

You did your share. You told her. If you can't get over how he didn't listen to you, maybe it's too hard for you to be friends with him. That's ok too. No judgement. Sometimes some friendships aren't meant to be forever.