Forgiveness?

[~*Alexis*~]

hey Musey,
I have been in this position and I have a message sitting in my myspace inbox and have never responded...for much different reasons than yours...however... I think you should just respond, keep it short and sweet and cordial. Do not apologize but thank her for her willingness to say she is sorry...

Dear Ex Friend,

Thank you for your recent email. I am glad to hear that you are moving forward with your life and I hope you find the peace and serenity that you are looking for. I am glad that you are taking steps forward.

Best Wishes,
Musey


short to the point and there is no real emotion. Plus its curt and it does not really invite more contact with you either.

 

[musey]

Date: 3/23/2009 9:32:47 PM
Author: karee888
That''s actually another debate in the field right now - how to operationally define forgiveness. Some say it is a lack of revenge/retaliation motivations toward the transgressor; others say it''s a lack of revenge motivation coupled with the desire to increase positive interactions. I agree more with the former. I think you can forgive someone and still not want anything to do with them; you can wish no ill will, but it doesn''t mean you want to be in contact and resume a relationship.

Precisely.

I think that distinction is why I''m trying to defend my ''negative feelings,'' somewhat. I don''t want to give anyone the false impression that I actively hate this person. I don''t. My feelings toward her are VERY passive: if no one were to mention her name to me ever again, I would likely never think about her once for the rest of my life. If someone were to mention her name to me, my emotions would just be ones of passive dislike. About as much emotion as I attach to my dislike of folding laundry, if even that much. Then I''d forget her again within 10 minutes.

There are bigger fish to fry than 10-year-old grudges. I''ve completely moved on... this letter from her is just dragging me into the world of cordial response writing, and since I thought it would create interesting discussion fodder (I was right!), I thought I''d bring my thought process here

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 3/23/2009 9:41:32 PM
Author: musey

Date: 3/23/2009 9:23:54 PM

Author: Tacori E-ring

I am going through something similar right now. Good times!

I would answer it b/c that''s just the kind of person I am. Would I try to renew a friendship? Ummm...probably not. I realized that friendships evolve. We are certainly in difference places in our lives so sometimes it is better to cut your loses so to speak. Still sucks though

Sorry you''re going through it, too!

Feel free to vent if you''d like

Honestly I have spent TOO much energy over it already. Jealously is really damaging. Long story short she is a mess and is jealous of my life. Somehow she convinced herself that my life is perfect and trust me she did NOT get that idea from me! That coupled with her ever present victim and defensive tendencies ain''t pretty. Maybe I am better off. Still always sad to lose a friend.

 

[musey]

Date: 3/23/2009 9:45:59 PM
Author: AmberGretchen
I''d vote for forgiving, but not necessarily encouraging her to be part of your life again.

I had a lot of people who were incredibly hurtful to me when I was younger, and I think that''s what I''d want to do if they came to me with an apology. I think it will be cathartic for you and hopefully help you get closure and let go of some of the hurt it sounds like you are still carrying around.

Thanks for posting, AG!

See my post at the top of this page for my hurtness levels

. I think I was mixing up past- and present-tense too much when writing my post(s) about the level of hurt she caused. I was VERY upset/angry/hurt for a year or so, hated her for the year after that, then just moved on (for reasons stated above) and have been in the couldn''t-really-care-less phase for the last 8 years or so. My only reasons for not offering forgiveness would be that what she did in the first place was so horrible, that it warranted a more prompt apology than she offered. My feeling is that 10 years is too long to wait for something like that, and if you''re going to wait that long, why bother? I moved on and forgot all of it so long ago that a letter now just feels like unnecessarily dredging up the past.

 

[musey]

Date: 3/23/2009 9:51:01 PM
Author: ~*Alexis*~
hey Musey,

I have been in this position and I have a message sitting in my myspace inbox and have never responded...for much different reasons than yours...however... I think you should just respond, keep it short and sweet and cordial. Do not apologize but thank her for her willingness to say she is sorry...

Dear Ex Friend,

Thank you for your recent email. I am glad to hear that you are moving forward with your life and I hope you find the peace and serenity that you are looking for. I am glad that you are taking steps forward.

Best Wishes,

Musey


short to the point and there is no real emotion. Plus its curt and it does not really invite more contact with you either.

Alexis, that is a fantastic letter. I like it a lot.

 

[FrekeChild]

Ooo...apparently I have some pent up aggression right now, because it came off pretty nasty. I''m not gonna post it...

 

[musey]

Date: 3/23/2009 9:53:17 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring

Date: 3/23/2009 9:41:32 PM
Author: musey

Date: 3/23/2009 9:23:54 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
I am going through something similar right now. Good times!

I would answer it b/c that''s just the kind of person I am. Would I try to renew a friendship? Ummm...probably not. I realized that friendships evolve. We are certainly in difference places in our lives so sometimes it is better to cut your loses so to speak. Still sucks though

Sorry you''re going through it, too!

Feel free to vent if you''d like

Honestly I have spent TOO much energy over it already. Jealously is really damaging. Long story short she is a mess and is jealous of my life. Somehow she convinced herself that my life is perfect and trust me she did NOT get that idea from me! That coupled with her ever present victim and defensive tendencies ain''t pretty. Maybe I am better off. Still always sad to lose a friend.

Jealousy = BAD BAD BAD NEWS

All three of these falling-outs I''ve had were driven, at least in part if not mostly, by jealousy issues... and all three over specific men or relationships in general (weird).

I agree, it''s sad to lose a friend. Even sadder to discover how toxic they are in a sudden blowup.

 

[musey]

Date: 3/23/2009 9:59:50 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Ooo...apparently I have some pent up aggression right now, because it came off pretty nasty. I''m not gonna post it...

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 3/23/2009 10:04:24 PM
Author: musey

Date: 3/23/2009 9:59:50 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Ooo...apparently I have some pent up aggression right now, because it came off pretty nasty. I''m not gonna post it...

Seriously. It was bad.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 3/23/2009 9:51:01 PM
Author: ~*Alexis*~
hey Musey,
I have been in this position and I have a message sitting in my myspace inbox and have never responded...for much different reasons than yours...however... I think you should just respond, keep it short and sweet and cordial. Do not apologize but thank her for her willingness to say she is sorry...

Dear Ex Friend,

Thank you for your recent email. I am glad to hear that you are moving forward with your life and I hope you find the peace and serenity that you are looking for. I am glad that you are taking steps forward.

Best Wishes,
Musey


short to the point and there is no real emotion. Plus its curt and it does not really invite more contact with you either.

Love that, but am thinking its asking for a response.

How do you say, hey, thanks for the email... I hate what you did to me. I am not going to forgive you. I will acknowledge your apology, but won't accept it. In a way that there is no opportunity for a response. Maybe something like this?

I have taken some time to consider your email. Please know this will be the last you hear from me...
Then say what you want...

It's sounds harsh to me, but maybe someone can soften it up? I am an all or nothing kind of gal....

 

[crown1]

i only know my own feelings and can''t read anyone''s mind. my personal take is if i were the offender and i had remorse for my behavior i would humble myself and apologize. whether you are receptive to this or not is not my problem. the offender made some sort of statement about understanding you not forgiving her, can''t remember just how. she did what she thought was right as you are also free to do. i do not think she is going to pine away needing to hear your words of forgiveness. i think she has freed herself and you with holding your peace isn''t going to be her downfall. the ball is in your court to do as you wish. being able to let something like this go without a big hoopla is a gift to yourself imho.

 

[October2008bride]

Date: 3/23/2009 9:20:16 PM
Author: canuk-gal

Date: 3/23/2009 9:09:46 PM

Author: diamondseeker2006

Date: 3/23/2009 9:00:04 PM

Author: crown1

i would forgive her and put it all in the past. since she is not a part of your life she can not hurt you further. if i were offered a sincere apology by a person who: admitted that they were wrong, admitted i had done nothing to deserve the bad treatment, and said that they did not deserve forgiveness i would feel the need to respond. i know i have done and will do things in the future that will need forgiveness. how can i deny it to someone who has truly seen the error of their way, when i have also done hurtful things to others for which i would like to be forgiven?


i would respond to the email by saying: i know it took a lot for you to revisit your bad treatment of me. i sincerely appreciate your acknowledgment of it and the apology. it is now time for us to put this in the past and go on with our lives. crown1.


why waste more time thinking about it? just forgive and forget. you don''t need to have further contact.

Ditto. If one desires to obtain forgiveness, he must also be willing to forgive. You''ve been offered a sincere apology. Accept it, grant forgiveness, and set yourself free from the negative feelings you are holding onto. Refusing to forgive will hurt you the most. She has done the right thing, which is pretty rare.

HI:


Thritto. Ten years is a long time to hold onto negative feelings. Likely, neither of you are in the same ''place'' in your lives and hopefully will have moved on. That is a positive thing--or perhap the ''best'' ending. Often one is not given the chance to give and receive forgiveness. This is a gift.


cheers--Sharon

I agree with Sharon - maybe now is a good time to find it in your heart to forgive her. Realize that whatever caused her to go off on you like that had nothing to do with YOU. I know it hurt you, but it was clearly based on her own issues.

I had a personal experience that was similar to this, and about 5 years ago, this ex-friend of mine (who I really didn''t hold super-negative thoughts about - it had been so long) ended up sitting near me at a cottage party. All of a sudden he was giving this huge apology for how things had gone wrong and how sorry he was and he had tears in his eyes and then so did I and I had no idea I still felt that way. I forgave him and we actually became friends again (it was never a toxic relationship - just a bad choice and a broken friendship).

Forgiveness can grant you the understanding that the whole situation was her problem and is not proof of some kind of pattern in your relationships.

I''m sorry you are going through this, but is there something comforting knowing that she has continued to think about what she did? You clearly mattered to her...

Sorry about my long winded ramblings...hope you are okay!

 

[musey]

Date: 3/23/2009 10:20:12 PM
Author: crown1
i only know my own feelings and can''t read anyone''s mind. my personal take is if i were the offender and i had remorse for my behavior i would humble myself and apologize. whether you are receptive to this or not is not my problem. the offender made some sort of statement about understanding you not forgiving her, can''t remember just how. she did what she thought was right as you are also free to do. i do not think she is going to pine away needing to hear your words of forgiveness. i think she has freed herself and you with holding your peace isn''t going to be her downfall. the ball is in your court to do as you wish. being able to let something like this go without a big hoopla is a gift to yourself imho.

Was anyone suggesting a hoopla?

I''m sorry if I offended you re: "not my problem," I don''t think anyone would think any of this was your problem.

As I said earlier, I''ve exaggerated my ''dilemma'' for the sake of discussion (I thought it would make interesting PS fodder, and it has thus far). I likely could have sat and thought out a response myself with not all that much effort required, but I''ve focused so strongly for the past three years on living a drama-free life, that when some popped back up I found myself at a bit of a loss for how to deal with it!

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Date: 3/23/2009 10:18:09 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 3/23/2009 9:51:01 PM

Author: ~*Alexis*~

hey Musey,

I have been in this position and I have a message sitting in my myspace inbox and have never responded...for much different reasons than yours...however... I think you should just respond, keep it short and sweet and cordial. Do not apologize but thank her for her willingness to say she is sorry...


Dear Ex Friend,


I received your recent email, I am glad to hear that you are moving forward with your life and I hope you find the peace and serenity that you are looking for. I am glad that you are taking steps forward. I have moved on with my life since then, although a painful experience for me, I wish you all the best as you take the steps you need in order to move on with yours. I appreciate you taking the time to apologize to me about the incident, but I wish to not dwell on the past, just to move forward with my life. I hope you surround yourself with positive people and even better influences so you can create the sense of balance you are hoping to achieve.

Best of luck to you in the future.


Best Wishes,

Musey



short to the point and there is no real emotion. Plus its curt and it does not really invite more contact with you either.

Love that, but am thinking its asking for a response.


How do you say, hey, thanks for the email... I hate what you did to me. I am not going to forgive you. I will acknowledge your apology, but won't accept it. In a way that there is no opportunity for a response. Maybe something like this?


I have taken some time to consider your email. Please know this will be the last you hear from me...

Then say what you want...


It's sounds harsh to me, but maybe someone can soften it up? I am an all or nothing kind of gal....

Dear Ex Friend,


I received your recent email, I am glad to hear that you are moving forward with your life and I hope you find the peace and serenity that you are looking for. I am glad that you are taking steps forward. I have moved on with my life since then, although a painful experience for me, I wish you all the best as you take the steps you need in order to move on with yours. I appreciate you taking the time to apologize to me about the incident, but I wish to not dwell on the past, just to move forward with my life. I hope you surround yourself with positive people and even better influences so you can create the sense of balance you are hoping to achieve.

Best of luck to you in the future.


Best Wishes,

Musey

Is that better???

 

[crown1]

Date: 3/23/2009 10:34:35 PM
Author: musey

Date: 3/23/2009 10:20:12 PM

Author: crown1

i only know my own feelings and can't read anyone's mind. my personal take is if i were the offender and i had remorse for my behavior i would humble myself and apologize. whether you are receptive to this or not is not my problem. the offender made some sort of statement about understanding you not forgiving her, can't remember just how. she did what she thought was right as you are also free to do. i do not think she is going to pine away needing to hear your words of forgiveness. i think she has freed herself and you with holding your peace isn't going to be her downfall. the ball is in your court to do as you wish. being able to let something like this go without a big hoopla is a gift to yourself imho.

Was anyone suggesting a hoopla?


I'm sorry if I offended you re: 'not my problem,' I don't think anyone would think any of this was your problem.


As I said earlier, I've exaggerated my 'dilemma' for the sake of discussion (I thought it would make interesting PS fodder, and it has thus far). I likely could have sat and thought out a response myself with not all that much effort required, but I've focused so strongly for the past three years on living a drama-free life, that when some popped back up I found myself at a bit of a loss for how to deal with it!

i am sorry my post was not clear i did not mean you in that sense. i was saying if i was involved in a situation where i had offended by my bad behavior this is how i would feel. i too was being a part of the discussion offering my thoughts. my opinion is that after i acknowledge fault and try to make amends it is no longer my problem as i can do no more. i hope i was able to make that clearer. you did not offend me.

i probably should have not responded again but i was amazed at the number of posters who wanted to make sure the offender knew that they were with holding forgiveness. it is not mine to judge just offering my opinion.


eta: maybe it would be clearer if i said the "you" was the universal you not the you musey. is that clear as mud?

 

[karee888]

Yet more evidence that supports what our research has found. To us, forgiveness is something that we *choose* to offer, and sometimes something a person has to *earn*. If they don''t choose to do what we want - whether it be apologizing, "making it up" or "proving" they have somehow changed - we don''t have to forgive them. It''s that simple.

The strongest predictors of forgiveness are: closeness of the relationship, commitment to the relationship, and satisfaction with the relationship. So if your relationship isn''t close, satisfying, or committed, it''s a lot less likely you will forgive someone. Time is also a strong factor [the more time since the offense, the more likely you will be to forgive], as is apology [a person is much more likely to forgive when the offender has apologized].

Now for the caveat -- forgiveness research is NEW. As in, has only really been studied for 10 years now [seems insane, right, since forgiveness is so vital in our lives!] A lot of the research, again, has been done using Western samples, AND has been done in close or romantic relationships, with dating or married couples. So, we don''t know as much about forgiveness in developing relationships, or not very close relationships [as well as predictors of forgiveness in other cultures]. That''s something else I am interested in - how can we forgive someone we might not really know? [I.e., drunk driver who killed our child, or the doctor who made a mistake during surgery and killed our mother]. None of above predictors apply here, since there is no pre-existing relationship.

 

[FrekeChild]

Here is a short succinct one:

Dear Mean Girl,

Have a nice life.

Love,
Musey

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 3/23/2009 11:07:36 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Here is a short succinct one:

Dear Mean Girl,

Have a nice life.

Love,
Musey

two wrongs do not make a right.

don''t have to forgive her but don''t have to be a Mean Girl yourself. karma and all that.

mz

ps i''d think it but i would never send it.

 

[FrekeChild]

That was a joke MZ.

 

[musey]

Crown: that makes complete sense now. Thanks for the clarification - I was just reading your post completely wrong

 

[musey]

Date: 3/23/2009 10:24:25 PM
Author: october2008bride
Forgiveness can grant you the understanding that the whole situation was her problem and is not proof of some kind of pattern in your relationships.

To be fair, I think it is a pattern in my relationships. At least some of them.

In my life, I've become a target for three formerly close friends in manic depressive (diagnosed) rants. I honestly do believe that this is something to do with my personality and tolerance level for such behavior. I think that I attract it. At least, I used to. Now that I'm aware of the pattern, I'm very watchful and careful around people who exhibit manic depressive tendencies.

Makes sense, as my dad is manic depressive and I continually go through this cycle with him, as well. Repeating the traumas (barely qualifying as that, though) of our youth and everything.


Anyway, I do want to make clear again that up until the receipt of this letter, I have not wasted any thought on this girl since about a year after the incident (so, ~9 years ago). I'm not as conflicted/stressed over my response as it may seem. Not that it really matters, but I just didn't want people thinking that I need to offer 'hollow forgiveness' (thanks, karee!) in order to find some peace with myself or with this girl. I've got peace up to my eyeballs with the situation, I just thought it would be an interesting topic.

Just so we're clear

By some of your definitions, I've already forgiven her - long ago - since I have completely moved on. By my definition, saying I forgive her would be the equivalent of saying: "I no longer hold your actions against you in any way," and that would be a lie. I'm not hung up on it or upset by it, but my opinion of her is distinctly colored by her actions, and her apology, though I appreciate the gesture and the effort behind it, does not change that for me.

Perhaps it would be different if she'd been a particularly close friend to start with. She never was. Just 'a friend.'


Thanks everyone for discussing this with me

it is indeed interesting.

 

[musey]

For whatever it''s worth, here''s my current ''draft''

(which I''m sure will sit for a couple of days then get shaved down to only the last two sentences):

It''s taken a long time for me to decide what (if anything) to say to you. There are a lot of things I have wanted to say to you in the past, and it did take some time for me to stop thinking about the things you said to me... but I did. I haven''t thought about you - or that conversation - in many years, thankfully.

I truly appreciate your effort to contact me, as well as your apology. I am glad to hear that you are in a better place now.

 

[FrekeChild]

I think the last two sentences say it well. Perhaps I should send you my *nasty* email through other means.

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 3/23/2009 10:50:22 PM
Author: crown1

Date: 3/23/2009 10:34:35 PM

Author: musey

Date: 3/23/2009 10:20:12 PM


Author: crown1


i only know my own feelings and can''t read anyone''s mind. my personal take is if i were the offender and i had remorse for my behavior i would humble myself and apologize. whether you are receptive to this or not is not my problem. the offender made some sort of statement about understanding you not forgiving her, can''t remember just how. she did what she thought was right as you are also free to do. i do not think she is going to pine away needing to hear your words of forgiveness. i think she has freed herself and you with holding your peace isn''t going to be her downfall. the ball is in your court to do as you wish. being able to let something like this go without a big hoopla is a gift to yourself imho.

Was anyone suggesting a hoopla?



I''m sorry if I offended you re: ''not my problem,'' I don''t think anyone would think any of this was your problem.



As I said earlier, I''ve exaggerated my ''dilemma'' for the sake of discussion (I thought it would make interesting PS fodder, and it has thus far). I likely could have sat and thought out a response myself with not all that much effort required, but I''ve focused so strongly for the past three years on living a drama-free life, that when some popped back up I found myself at a bit of a loss for how to deal with it!

i am sorry my post was not clear i did not mean you in that sense. i was saying if i was involved in a situation where i had offended by my bad behavior this is how i would feel. i too was being a part of the discussion offering my thoughts. my opinion is that after i acknowledge fault and try to make amends it is no longer my problem as i can do no more. i hope i was able to make that clearer. you did not offend me.


i probably should have not responded again but i was amazed at the number of posters who wanted to make sure the offender knew that they were with holding forgiveness. it is not mine to judge just offering my opinion.



eta: maybe it would be clearer if i said the ''you'' was the universal you not the you musey. is that clear as mud?

crown1 I understand what you meant by your post and I have to agree. I was going to say something similar to this...

If I received a letter like this I would be very appreciative. It takes a lot of guts to reach out and ask for forgiveness when you know you did something hurtful - especially after so long.

I think whether you reach out to her and "grant" her forgiveness does not matter.
It sounds like she''s in the process of forgiving herself for her past behavior and wants you to know that she understands that she hurt you.
If I were in her place I would feel better just knowing that you knew how awful I felt about the situation, whether you responded or not.

I''m not saying this applies to you specifically musey but in general I think that if one offers a sincere apology to someone and they "deny" forgiveness, then I see it as the person who denies the forgiveness as then carrying the burden. Based on karee888''s research I think I''m more Eastern than American when it comes to forgiveness. Not sure about the whole "hollow forgiveness" though..

Anyways, people gave some good examples of cordial responses..

 

[bee*]

Date: 3/23/2009 9:20:16 PM
Author: canuk-gal

Date: 3/23/2009 9:09:46 PM

Author: diamondseeker2006

Date: 3/23/2009 9:00:04 PM

Author: crown1

i would forgive her and put it all in the past. since she is not a part of your life she can not hurt you further. if i were offered a sincere apology by a person who: admitted that they were wrong, admitted i had done nothing to deserve the bad treatment, and said that they did not deserve forgiveness i would feel the need to respond. i know i have done and will do things in the future that will need forgiveness. how can i deny it to someone who has truly seen the error of their way, when i have also done hurtful things to others for which i would like to be forgiven?


i would respond to the email by saying: i know it took a lot for you to revisit your bad treatment of me. i sincerely appreciate your acknowledgment of it and the apology. it is now time for us to put this in the past and go on with our lives. crown1.


why waste more time thinking about it? just forgive and forget. you don''t need to have further contact.

Ditto. If one desires to obtain forgiveness, he must also be willing to forgive. You''ve been offered a sincere apology. Accept it, grant forgiveness, and set yourself free from the negative feelings you are holding onto. Refusing to forgive will hurt you the most. She has done the right thing, which is pretty rare.

HI:


Thritto. Ten years is a long time to hold onto negative feelings. Likely, neither of you are in the same ''place'' in your lives and hopefully will have moved on. That is a positive thing--or perhap the ''best'' ending. Often one is not given the chance to give and receive forgiveness. This is a gift.


cheers--Sharon

ditto everyone above. I''ve had this happen to me before and the girl came back five years later and apologised. I accepted and haven''t seen her since but I''m happy that the chapter closed in a happy way on the situation. I''m one of those people that thinks that life is too short not to forgive.

 

[October2008bride]

Date: 3/24/2009 2:05:36 AM
Author: musey

Date: 3/23/2009 10:24:25 PM

Author: october2008bride

Forgiveness can grant you the understanding that the whole situation was her problem and is not proof of some kind of pattern in your relationships.

To be fair, I think it is a pattern in my relationships. At least some of them.


In my life, I''ve become a target for three formerly close friends in manic depressive (diagnosed) rants. I honestly do believe that this is something to do with my personality and tolerance level for such behavior. I think that I attract it. At least, I used to. Now that I''m aware of the pattern, I''m very watchful and careful around people who exhibit manic depressive tendencies.


Makes sense, as my dad is manic depressive and I continually go through this cycle with him, as well. Repeating the traumas (barely qualifying as that, though) of our youth and everything.



Anyway, I do want to make clear again that up until the receipt of this letter, I have not wasted any thought on this girl since about a year after the incident (so, ~9 years ago). I''m not as conflicted/stressed over my response as it may seem. Not that it really matters, but I just didn''t want people thinking that I need to offer ''hollow forgiveness'' (thanks, karee!) in order to find some peace with myself or with this girl. I''ve got peace up to my eyeballs with the situation, I just thought it would be an interesting topic.


Just so we''re clear

By some of your definitions, I''ve already forgiven her - long ago - since I have completely moved on. By my definition, saying I forgive her would be the equivalent of saying: ''I no longer hold your actions against you in any way,'' and that would be a lie. I''m not hung up on it or upset by it, but my opinion of her is distinctly colored by her actions, and her apology, though I appreciate the gesture and the effort behind it, does not change that for me.


Perhaps it would be different if she''d been a particularly close friend to start with. She never was. Just ''a friend.''



Thanks everyone for discussing this with me

it is indeed interesting.

Thanks for the clarification Musey. However while I can agree to the pattern of you being a target, I was more focusing on the words she actually said to you as not being about you, you know what I mean?

I like the draft of the response - I think it shows that you put thought into the response but doesn''t go over the top.

What will you do if she replies?

 

[atroop711]

you don''t have to give her anything...you can just tell her you appreciate the apology and hope that her life is fully of happiness now and in the future. Make it short. No need to make space for her in your life. I had a toxic friend like this. She apologized...I took her back...she was nasty again...I learned my lesson. She tried to reach out again and I never answered. I don''t wish her harm or don''t hold ill will towards her BUT our lives are on different paths. My path has the least amount of drama possible. Unfort. she needs to the drama to exist..so I wasn''t going back there.

I''m cordial when I see her (say hello) but that''s it.

We were apart of each others lives when we were supposed to be..but I realized in my late 20''s that the time had come to end toxic friendship and I was sad at first but ok with it as time went by.

 

[Lorelei]

I would say something like this.

"Dear So and So,

I appreciate the apology, thank you.

Best wishes,

Musey."

That way it doesn''t invite any further dialogue between you.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

I''m saying this based on an experience of mine: I wouldn''t reply to her. She might be contacting you because she''s planning to ask you for money or for some other favor.

 

[Allisonfaye]

Date: 3/23/2009 6:22:28 PM
Author:musey
Many years ago (almost 10, actually), while I was still in high school, I had a friend take a lot of her life frustrations on me in one LONG blow-up phone call. She threw around a lot of harsh words, and told me about all the things I''d done that made me ''the worst person she''d ever known.'' I never saw it coming, and was left completely devastated and confused - especially because a lot of the things she said she was angry about had, in fact, never happened. In the months following, I heard whispers about her speaking ill of me in front of others, some very very bad (and made up) things... and of course as a 15-year-old, this stuff hurt a LOT more than it would now.

Fast-forward to now, and I get a letter from her begging my forgiveness. She says a lot of things about being depressed and struggling with life at that time, and that she took everything out on me even though I ''in no way deserved it.'' She''s ''very very sorry,'' and would be ''unworthy but grateful for [my] forgiveness.'' At the end, she thanked me for ''this chance to apologize'' and said she hoped ''life has treated much better than [she] did.''

It''s been sitting unanswered for nearly a month now, I''m embarrassed to admit.

The thing is, this same thing has happened with two other people since her. Each time, I''m left hurt and confused. One reached out to me and we somewhat reconciled (forgiven but not forgotten), never heard from the other, and now I''m hearing from this first person.

I''ve been struggling with a response, but the wound is so old and so deep that I can''t really find the words. It''s not that I don''t appreciate her reaching out, and the courage that it took... it''s just that it has been SO long that I feel I have nothing left in me to offer her.


Thanks for making it through my novel. I suppose all I can ask is for reflections on forgiveness, experiences you''ve had... and hopefully, some help in finding appropriate words for this person.

I don''t know how to highlight but send her a letter saying the "I''ve been struggling...'' part. It doesn''t sound like you want to be friends again so leave it at that.