Financial favouritism?

[december-fire]

Oh @december-fire You aren't alone in the "been there, done that" category!

Its a very large, international club!

@Begonia , you should join the 'Been There, Done That Club!'.
Its a lot more fun than the 'Still Doing That Club!'.

As President of the 'Been There, Done That Club!', I can tell you there are lots of wonderful benefits to being a member.

 

[Tekate]

@Calliecake love you too Callie.. we are indeed sympatico on many things.. we LOVE jewelry (diamonds!).. and Begonia's plight in her hubster's family is probably one that many of us went through - or in our own familes. I always recommend counseling since it works, the trouble with today is: insurance rarely covers it. I have found that psychologist/social workers better than psychiatrists (but that is me). I learned to accept that my mother in law was not a POS, but just different (a hard pill to swallow but I did)... Anyhow.. happy happy joy joy joy (credited to Ren and Stimpy of course) to you and yours on this most wonderful season of reflection, love, giving, caring and celebration (for those who do) of the reason for the season in many people books, me I support anyone's right to whatever!

much peace to you and yours Callie.. for this the reason for the season (whether real or not) entity believed in that. xo

I couldn't sleep last night and was thinking of you for a bit of it Begonia. I came back to tell you that seeking therapy to help you deal with your feelings and how to handle them may be helpful to you. As often happens here @Tekate (love you Tekate!) summed up what I wanted to say perfectly. I think many of us here have been where you are at. We may not have the exact problem in our family but we certainly can understand your feelings. Holding on to negative feelings usually only hurts the person who has them.

Getting older does put some things in better perspective. I've found the chances of changing someone are extremely slim. We can only change how we react to and let those feelings affect us. Hanging on to negative feels and anger has never helped anyone. You also cannot change people. One of my closest friends always says "It's so hard to change things we don't like about ourselves, why you on earth would anyone feel they can change other person"

I also want to thank you for starting this thread. The advice given here has also helped me in more ways than you could possibly know, As another poster mentioned pretty much all families have some level of dysfunction. The holiday season can bring feelings of hurt and resentment to surface.

It sounds like the life you have created with your husband and children is a wonderful one.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Family dynamics are so amazing. I have never had these issues as parents on both sides really had no big money to help with. My inlaws did at one point and they helped one sister as she was always down and out. I understood my inlaws position and was thankful that we didn't need help but it still is unfair on some level. It was something that was out of my control so I didn't worry about it.

The squeaky wheel always seems to get the grease even though what makes it squeaky is not always need. It always amazes me how folks can choose one to favor and one to overlook and you can't help but wonder about the reasoning. No matter - there is some reasoning there on their part; we might just not know it.

Since Diane has moved back to Canada and become so wonderful and helpful, let her be that. I would explain to MIL that your husband has some issues, you have had a back problem that left you out of work and making ends meet is a constant challenge. Therefore, all of the aforementioned precludes you from helping her as much. Probably won't be a big hit but at least it will set some boundaries for your family and make it a bit easier to step away. Being out of the situation or hearing about it on a regular basis will help you as well. If she raises a big stink, I would have to lay out the feelings of the past years. Let that fall wherever it falls but at least you have spoken your peace.

I can only imagine that being treated unfairly raises all kinds of issues for you and DH. It is hard to struggle while the other side rests in luxury. Don't blame yourself for feeling the way you do. I think you have plenty of reason, however, it won't rectify the issue. We can never control other situations or other people's actions but we can control our reactions to them. I feel for you and your family and hope you can soon work through this without it eating you up. I get it though - I would be totally outdone by the situation.

 

[anne_h]

I agree with the others that there's nothing wrong with having these feelings. But since it's causing you pain, I absolutely encourage you to change something about the situation.

Normally I always first suggest to try talking to the person in question. Let them know about the impacts to you, and ask for the changes you'd like to see. If that seems like a bad idea, or if you try it and it fails, then I'm all for setting boundaries. It's your life, you have a right to manage it in a way that works for you!

On a personal note, I have not experienced any family issues nearly as extreme as what you described... but I had some minor mini versions... a wealthy grandmother who bequested certain family heirlooms to grandsons only, because only they carried on the family name (as a budding young feminist, this stung), and also later I found out by accident that some siblings were gifted larger sums at their wedding than I was. I was surprised and a bit hurt, but accepted it as my parents' choice.

In the end, I rolled these experiences into my existing efforts to become successful on my own, which I did!

Because I believe that each person has a right to live their life in the way that works for them, I have to respect that if someone wants to be closer or give more to a particular person, that is their choice. I would want the same choice. So I choose to focus on my own life, and manage my relationships and environment in accordance with my values and personal priorities.

I believe we only live once. So it's up to us to make our own lives great. If that means we sometimes have to make some unconventional choices, it's okay!

I wish you and DH the very best in finding a path forward that works for your family. Keep us posted!

Anne

 

[Begonia]

Be proud of your accomplishments and of your family....you and your husband have stood on your own without "help"...definitely something to be admired and aspired to be. No one has "helped" me or my husband....we never expected it. We are proud of OUR accomplishments. Let go of the hard feelings and enjoy your life! The example you set for your kids is exemplary!

FM

Thank you for your kind words - if you could hear my internal dialogue sometime, I wouldn’t seem so exemplary, but I’m gonna run with that anyway LOL.

I’ll try to let go. It’s not healthy otherwise.

Thank you FinleysMom.

 

[Begonia]

Begonia I am so sorry and of course you have every right to feel the way you do. As others have mentioned your MIL is the real loser here. Losing out on time with her family. Much more important (IMO) than the financial aspect is the loss of time you get with loved ones. Everyone loses in this situation. The sad thing is you cannot do anything to change or control your MIL's behavior.

I will add that when money comes into play people tend to get very emotional more than usual. I know it's easier said than done but I would urge you to realize she can do whatever she wants with her money whether it is "fair" or not. It's her money and her decision.

I don't know why but generally family dynamics all have some level of dysfunction in them. Maybe that is the definition of dysfunction. I don't know if it will make you feel better but you are not alone as I would guess many of us are dealing with similar family issues. Take heart in that you are close to your small family (your dh and your kids) and nurturing that relationship. (((Hugs))).

It’s true missy, the money has made me more emotional. It was hard to admit my feelings and expectations of MIL, as I know it’s her money and none of my d@$% business what she does with it.

The emotional neglect and favouritism is what came first, the money just kinda tipped me over the edge. Mind you, I’m being bullied and harassed at work and am learning how to set boundaries and speak up. Guess I needed to do some work in my personal life as well.

Thank you missy. You always forget you aren’t alone until you ask for help. Thanks for giving me some perspective.

 

[Begonia]

- Mom favors her daughter over the other children for some reason. Who knows what the real reason is? Whatever it is, it isn’t worthy of her shitty and inexcusable behavior.

-Of course this behavior spilled over onto you and your kids! You wouldn’t be seen and loved and treated differently than the neglected son that you are married to.

- This favoritism and neglect has to be a huge source of your husband’s anxiety. It sounds like he stuffs those hurt feelings and still continues to try and function with his extremely toxic mother. Stuffing huge feelings like that always manifests in bigger ways. Your poor husband. He deserves lots of love and understanding and room to hurt and grieve the mother he should have had. Mother wounds run deepest of all.

- All of your feelings are valid. Please try and let go. Something that really stuck out to me, that bothered me was the event where she gave you money for the house to even things up. This tells me that she is aware that she gives unevenly and she continues to do so without correcting the problem. This is ugly. But this tells me she isn’t going to change. This leaves you with the option to accept her behavior and act accordingly by drawing boundaries around her with your own behavior. Don’t host holidays for her. Don’t cater to her. Do your own thing! Maybe it’s time to put her in her place?

Gosh HC, you’re my kinda gal!
Everything you wrote just felt like home.

The last bit though - I used to think she was just a ditzy gal - she’s got that 50’s housewife vibe going on. After 25 years, I’ve realized this lady knows exactly what she is doing. Exactly.

It suits her purpose to manipulate with guilt and try to control through giving or withholding attention and affection/support.

A feel as though a rift is coming. I’ve told my husband, who is feeling caught in the middle a bit today, that I’m okay with whatever he wants to do to maintain his relationship with his mom, but I need to do what is right for me too. I can’t keep being rejected, and my sons too.

Thank you HC

 

[Begonia]

A son is a son till he takes a wife - a daughter is a daughter all of your life.. works both ways.. we all just coddle our daughters more. I empathy and sympathize with your situation. All the counseling I've had over 65 years (actually just 39 years ) brought me to the conclusion that I have my own sons and my own life and I no longer care about favoritism from either side (since my parents and my FIL are all dead).. I used to say at IBM, if you are a great employee you get more work! if you suck you get help.. It sucks, you deserve more for your GIVING.. but you aren't going to get it. Counseling on how to place these emotions in a better spot would be helpful. with age comes not wisdom but resignation and growth I think. It's alright to feel this way and it's GREAT to talk to others about your feelings, because we who have experienced this in our lives can empathize and give you a virtual hug. Remember to keep you, hubster and boys FIRST in your life. ALWAYS. Happy Happy holiday(s) to you.. treat yourself to something you want. peace.

I’m taking that virtual hug Tekate!

I will talk about it with someone, I promise.

Thank you Tekate

 

[Begonia]

I couldn't sleep last night and was thinking of you for a bit of it Begonia. I came back to tell you that seeking therapy to help you deal with your feelings and how to handle them may be helpful to you. As often happens here @Tekate (love you Tekate!) summed up what I wanted to say perfectly. I think many of us here have been where you are at. We may not have the exact problem in our family but we certainly can understand your feelings. Holding on to negative feelings usually only hurts the person who has them.

Getting older does put some things in better perspective. I've found the chances of changing someone are extremely slim. We can only change how we react to and let those feelings affect us. Hanging on to negative feels and anger has never helped anyone. You also cannot change people. One of my closest friends always says "It's so hard to change things we don't like about ourselves, why you on earth would anyone feel they can change other person"

I also want to thank you for starting this thread. The advice given here has also helped me in more ways than you could possibly know, As another poster mentioned pretty much all families have some level of dysfunction. The holiday season can bring feelings of hurt and resentment to surface.

It sounds like the life you have created with your husband and children is a wonderful one.

I’m glad if it’s helping others - it was hard to write it. I’m kind of embarrassed by my feelings and expectations. I’ve always risen above petty resentments. Then I started to think about the evolution of my feelings - where it all started and where we are now. I got really angry.

It will get better with time. I know that talking about it with you all is going to bring me to a better place a lot faster than on my own.

Our life has seen better or worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health. I read that saying “what will you do with your one precious life.”

Hopefully spend as many hours and days that I can loving my 3 lads. I’m a bit off track right now, but I’ll come back. T’is the season LOL

 

[Begonia]

Double post

 

[Begonia]

Begonia,

First off, I'm sending you a big hug.

Now, I'd like you to figure out why you've done so much for your MIL in the past.
It could be because: 'She's my MIL', 'I'm trying to be a good Daughter-in-Law', 'Respect your elders', 'Its part of being a good wife', 'It makes my DH happy', 'Its a good example to my kids', etc.
All stuff that can motivate our actions.

However, are you really being a good example to your kids?
Do you want them to have the same motivations, regardless of how they are treated by others in life?
Rather like the old 'Stand by your man', 'Till death do us part', etc., that can keep a person in an unhealthy relationship.

Nothing wrong with trying to respect your elders, be a good DIL, etc., provided that its a two-way street and you are being respected and treated properly.
'Treat others as you would have them treat you' does not mean that you should allow yourself, or your loved ones, to be treated in an unacceptable manner.

Your MIL sounds very familiar to me, in terms of her personality.
Giving you and your DH a less-than-equal amount of money to 'even things up', and other behaviours, sounds like her way to get you and your DH to try harder to get her approval and appreciation.
Like someone playing hard-to-get.

Your MIL has money.
She can hire people to cook or shop for her, or she can manipulate her daughter into doing those things.

Resentment and anger can sometimes be because we're realizing how much time and energy we've put into someone who didn't deserve it.
You have a choice about your path moving forward.
You are a good person regardless of whether or not you continue to invest time and energy into your MIL.
However, if you continue to be a pawn in your MIL's game, then I don't think you are treating yourself with the love and respect you deserve.

I'm tempted to sign off as 'Been there, done that!'.

December-fire, you’ve given me so much to think about! At first glance, I would have to say yes to all of the above. I think also too, I did put up with things for a long time because I didn’t see what was going on. Crazy, but I didn’t. Later I allowed it to continue because I didn’t tell myself I deserved better. Also too, I love my DH, and I was taking some hits to spare the tension for him.

I feel differently now, and you’ve certainly shed some light on how I put up with it for so long. I will reflect on your powerful words.

thank you December-fire

 

[Begonia]

Family dynamics are so amazing. I have never had these issues as parents on both sides really had no big money to help with. My inlaws did at one point and they helped one sister as she was always down and out. I understood my inlaws position and was thankful that we didn't need help but it still is unfair on some level. It was something that was out of my control so I didn't worry about it.

The squeaky wheel always seems to get the grease even though what makes it squeaky is not always need. It always amazes me how folks can choose one to favor and one to overlook and you can't help but wonder about the reasoning. No matter - there is some reasoning there on their part; we might just not know it.

Since Diane has moved back to Canada and become so wonderful and helpful, let her be that. I would explain to MIL that your husband has some issues, you have had a back problem that left you out of work and making ends meet is a constant challenge. Therefore, all of the aforementioned precludes you from helping her as much. Probably won't be a big hit but at least it will set some boundaries for your family and make it a bit easier to step away. Being out of the situation or hearing about it on a regular basis will help you as well. If she raises a big stink, I would have to lay out the feelings of the past years. Let that fall wherever it falls but at least you have spoken your peace.

I can only imagine that being treated unfairly raises all kinds of issues for you and DH. It is hard to struggle while the other side rests in luxury. Don't blame yourself for feeling the way you do. I think you have plenty of reason, however, it won't rectify the issue. We can never control other situations or other people's actions but we can control our reactions to them. I feel for you and your family and hope you can soon work through this without it eating you up. I get it though - I would be totally outdone by the situation.

...we can control our reactions to them...I’m learning how to have reactions to things. The universe has put me in a work place where I get bullied and harassed. As hard as that is, it’s teaching me to get in touch with what I’m feeling and how I’m being treated at a much quicker pace than I used to. That was pretty damn slow when I think of the crap I’ve put up with.
These changes in me can’t be put on hold for a family member - I have a voice now, and I can’t go silent again.

Damn, the middle years are hard.

Thank you MGR

 

[Begonia]

I agree with the others that there's nothing wrong with having these feelings. But since it's causing you pain, I absolutely encourage you to change something about the situation.

Normally I always first suggest to try talking to the person in question. Let them know about the impacts to you, and ask for the changes you'd like to see. If that seems like a bad idea, or if you try it and it fails, then I'm all for setting boundaries. It's your life, you have a right to manage it in a way that works for you!

On a personal note, I have not experienced any family issues nearly as extreme as what you described... but I had some minor mini versions... a wealthy grandmother who bequested certain family heirlooms to grandsons only, because only they carried on the family name (as a budding young feminist, this stung), and also later I found out by accident that some siblings were gifted larger sums at their wedding than I was. I was surprised and a bit hurt, but accepted it as my parents' choice.

In the end, I rolled these experiences into my existing efforts to become successful on my own, which I did!

Because I believe that each person has a right to live their life in the way that works for them, I have to respect that if someone wants to be closer or give more to a particular person, that is their choice. I would want the same choice. So I choose to focus on my own life, and manage my relationships and environment in accordance with my values and personal priorities.

I believe we only live once. So it's up to us to make our own lives great. If that means we sometimes have to make some unconventional choices, it's okay!

I wish you and DH the very best in finding a path forward that works for your family. Keep us posted!

Anne

You sound like a strong gal Anne!

My logical brain agrees with you wholeheartedly! My emotional brain...
not so much. Thanks for giving me a logical perspective.

 

[azstonie]

Just drop the rope. She can't yank you around if you do this.

 

[FinleysMom]

Drop the rope......USING THIS! Brilliant!

FM

 

[valeria101]

I did put up with things for a long time because I didn’t see what was going on. Crazy, but I didn’t.

We say this is a gift ... I sure do know how it works & it was my best choice.

.-(

 

[Tekate]

@Begonia Holiday season(s) are a hard time for some people, we don't want to remember all the sh@@ that went down in our lives but for some reason at this time of year I get like a xmas tree bubbler ornament... I think it's abso the best thing people bring these topics up on Hangout, because many people keep this sh## inside and here we can all talk and learn. You are a too cool for school chick in my book and also you have courage.. thank you.. peace and love in this season and all the years.

Kate

 

[december-fire]

Thinking of you and wanted to make a couple of suggestions.
However, they're really just examples of how to 'drop the rope'; @azstonie 's dead-on advice!

Also, to let you know it's absolutely OK to do this. That can be the hard part; accepting that you're a good person even if you don't turn yourself into a pretzel and sacrifice your sanity and health to get your MIL's approval, make your DH happy, or whatever else is driving your good intentions.

By the way, often people are baffled by the behaviour of others because they think 'I'd never do/say such a thing'. Right, because you view the World differently and have different values. The only way to understand the actions of some people is to realize that they have a completely different value system. You will drive yourself crazy if you try to understand their behaviour while coming from the perspective of your values and beliefs.

A couple of specific steps that might get you started.
Some people might laugh at the idea that I'd suggest things that seem natural and normal to them.
However, these are things that I actually had to learn where OK.
1. You don't have to answer the phone every time your MIL calls.
2. When asked to do something, smile and say 'I'm not available.'; doesn't matter whether or not you actually are available. Don't start with 'sorry', don't try to come up with an alternative solution to her 'problem'. Don't feel guilty.
3. Respond with silence. Seriously.
For your sanity and health, you need to disengage, step out of the game, and 'drop the rope'.

I hope you'll try to think of things that you might enjoy.
Depending on how much time you're able to find, read or start/join a book club, walk around the block (I'm always suggesting this because it only takes a few minutes, but can slow breathing and reduce stress), soak in the tub, play chess/checkers with your DH, listen to music, whatever. The idea is to get you to start thinking about yourself and looking at the World around you that has been invisible as you run around trying to please people who can't be pleased, and trying to do everything that needs to be done.

Don't know if any of this makes sense or is helpful. However, your thread struck a chord with me.
I'm hoping you'll realize that life has so much to offer when we finally get to a breaking point and say 'Enough!' to the nonsense.

And, as if I haven't rambled enough already (sorry!), you might want to read the Serenity Prayer. Whether or not a person believes in a higher power, is totally irrelevant. The important thing is the message. Yes, accept the things we cannot change. But some of us accept a lot of crap that can be changed. So forecast on that part; the wisdom to know the difference between what cannot be changed and what can be changed. Sure, you can work on changing your reaction to the situation. However, I think you should change your situation, not your reaction to it.

You're creating your own stress and unhappiness if you continue to play this silly game.

 

[cmd2014]

I’ve already scaled the help way way back. With husband not well, we haven’t been able to go and visit. Additionally I work shifts, and that has put a big stop to a lot. The MIL is using that as an excuse that Diane is “a big help to her now”, and she bought her the condo. Ummm, what about the last 25 years. Can we just call it what it is and stop the bs?

I’m not going to be able to continue the way it has been.

Thank you cmd

I think your MIL will always find ‘reasons’ to do what she does. Try not to drink the Kool-Aid because whatever it is, it doesn’t make it true. I think it’s just really hard because you feel that she has the power to end your suffering, and she chooses not to. But if you focus on you rather than on her, you’ll probably feel better. You may not be blessed financially, but you are blessed with your little family. And IMO that’s worth more. Just keep reminding yourself that by not taking her money, you retain your freedom. You are not obligated to put up with her bs. You are not obligated to try to please her. You have not invited her to have an opinion about how you live your life. You don’t have to twist yourself into knots to help her. You are free and clear to live how you think is best for you and your little family. And learning to set better limits and boundaries (both with her and in general) is a beautiful thing. I hope both you and your husband find yourselves in a better place soon.

 

[marymm]

My mom financially favors my youngest sibling (who is 45 years old), and my MIL favors my DH's youngest sibling (who is 49 years old).

My DH never took it personally, thinking our parents' choices about their money and where it goes is their own business... for him, that is that, 'nuff said.

Me, I did have trouble with it though, and it took quite a few years before I was able to "drop the rope" but finally got there.

Although I am quite close to my mom (in fact she lives with my DH and me), I've disengaged with her on the subject of my youngest sister. My mom's choices are her own, and she isn't going to change. By not engaging with her on the subject, I don't have to hear her rationalization or get caught up in the unfairness of it. Bottom line, if my mom chooses to burn up or throw away her money, that is her right. Once in a while for my own peace of mind and sense of due diligence I do remind her that my DH and I have nothing extra, so when/if her money is gone, she can't rely on us as a financial safety net.

And I have rather thoroughly disengaged from my MIL, to the extent I see her once or twice a year only, but happily back up and support DH's relationship with her. More than that, I choose not to do.

Whenever the financial favoritism thing may raise its ugly head, I tell myself "nothing to do with me," and I just move with my own priorities in life. Dropping the rope has been extremely freeing, and allowed me to center myself again and be the happier more positive person I prefer to be.

 

[redwood66]

@Begonia I am sorry you are having this ongoing trouble with your in-laws. Families can be so difficult. I moved 8 hours away from my parents partly because I was allowing our relationship to cause problems with DH and I. It is much healthier now and we are much happier having distance but we still keep in touch. He is the most important person in my life and they have to take second place.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

Here is how I approach things like this situation. I acknowledge whatever has caused me to be angry at a person and then recount the pros and cons of past behavior and seeth with resentment for a short time. I then admit to myself that there were many times I enjoyed, loved, choose to deal with this person I now dislike and want either nothing to do with them or very little. This means I was not taken advantage of, or insulted over yrs, but feel that the relationship has changed so that I no longer wish to do it. This way of thinking allows me to give up the resentments from this day forward, but my actions will now be different.
Two things have occurred to me. Your MIL just sold her house. Perhaps she never had this kind of money before to throw around. This tipped your resentment toward her. She will not expect you to help her so much any more which is why she also helped her daughter buy the condo near her.

Which brings me to point 2. How is it that neither your husband or yourself(yes I said yourself) didn't ask your MIL directly for some help? My Gosh, most people do ask parents for help if necessary, even a loan. Some parents can't help or won't help, which is their right, but it seems you haven't asked. Its not a crime to ask. Maybe she would have helped.

For what ever reason you helped your MIL in the past, you wanted to do it. Don't turn a nice act into a call for unnecessary resentment.
Best wishes to you, your husband and your kiddies.

Annette

 

[CJ2008]

Hi,

Here is how I approach things like this situation. I acknowledge whatever has caused me to be angry at a person and then recount the pros and cons of past behavior and seeth with resentment for a short time. I then admit to myself that there were many times I enjoyed, loved, choose to deal with this person I now dislike and want either nothing to do with them or very little. This means I was not taken advantage of, or insulted over yrs, but feel that the relationship has changed so that I no longer wish to do it. This way of thinking allows me to give up the resentments from this day forward, but my actions will now be different.

Annette

This is a really beautiful post Annette.

I have a situation that stood out to me immediately where I can apply your way of thinking.

We have control over so many things but sometimes our feelings and the "comfort" of letting things continue as they are speak so much louder and is so much easier to do. And sometimes the resentment feels good. Hard to admit, but it's true.

Just wanted to take a moment to let you know how much I enjoyed this post.

(Begonia, sorry for the threadjack.)

 

[lyra]

I agree with just "drop the rope". It's what I ended up doing. Like I said, I make it so there is nothing anyone in the family can fault me on. That leaves me free to think and feel however I want. It's actually liberating. I just heard of another favouritism today. I actually laughed out loud, because it's ridiculous, but I do have to temper my reactions so as not to make DH feel bad. He loves his family, but if we hadn't moved across the country, life would be hell. We are excluded from everything in every way pretty much now, which is also liberating. I just go along with DH and give the support he lacks from family. Our kids are grown and really don't care about the stark divisions between them and the other 3 favoured grandkids. You feel for your kids, of course, but they're not stupid. They will grow up not caring, and that's okay. As long as they are close to you and your DH, that's all that matters. MIL, SIL and whoever else can't force you to do anything. And they'll never treat you the way you might hope for. BTDT. Stuff is going to hit the fan big time when my MIL dies. And I don't want a single thing or single dollar from her estate. BIL and SIL will come to blows and fight to the death over every little thing. /vent Sorry.

 

[partgypsy]

Well this is related to this thread. As I have mentioned before, my mother lives with my older brother, whom she supports. She recently sold her house and moved into a two bedroom, 2 bath apartment so she could continue to support him (she's 74, he's 51). I have learned through the grapevine that she has told people once she has run out of money, she will move in with me. To tell the truth, for a number of years I was telling her to relocate here, where I could with some of the money from selling her house create an in-law suite for her, or at the very least she could rent in this area for less, her money would last longer and she could be part of me and her grandkid's lives. However it sounds like her plan is to continue to live in her expensive zip code (paying for my OB) until she runs out of money and THEN move down. How do I feel about this. Her social security is 550/month. It makes me feel like she spent her more independent and financially self-sufficient years caring for my OB rather than being a part of my or my kid's lives, and only wants to move down here when to be frank, my children are older and independent, she too frail to be there as a grandparent, and for me to care for her. But then she is my Mom.

 

[monarch64]

I look at it like this: be glad you are not beholden to your MIL and do not have the responsibility of becoming her long term caretaker. She bought off your SIL and now your SIL (who may seem like she got a great thing handed to her) is stuck with her mother.

My family has always favored my sibling. But that sibling has never left their hometown and won’t, because he is beholden to them. My grandmother did the same to my dad and uncle. It’s a shame. I’ve been able to travel, do my thing, and not worry about life decisions affecting anyone else, or losing out on a financial favor here or there. Could I be more comfortable? Sure, but it would cost me. I don’t do strings.

 

[december-fire]

Well this is related to this thread. As I have mentioned before, my mother lives with my older brother, whom she supports. She recently sold her house and moved into a two bedroom, 2 bath apartment so she could continue to support him (she's 74, he's 51). I have learned through the grapevine that she has told people once she has run out of money, she will move in with me. To tell the truth, for a number of years I was telling her to relocate here, where I could with some of the money from selling her house create an in-law suite for her, or at the very least she could rent in this area for less, her money would last longer and she could be part of me and her grandkid's lives. However it sounds like her plan is to continue to live in her expensive zip code (paying for my OB) until she runs out of money and THEN move down. How do I feel about this. Her social security is 550/month. It makes me feel like she spent her more independent and financially self-sufficient years caring for my OB rather than being a part of my or my kid's lives, and only wants to move down here when to be frank, my children are older and independent, she too frail to be there as a grandparent, and for me to care for her. But then she is my Mom.

And would your OB move in with you too?

 

[partgypsy]

Well, since she knows I would not allow OB to live with me, sounds like she will do this as her last possible option, after every dime is spent. What is weird is I have had conversations with her, where I explained by taking care of him, he has never learned to take care of himself, and will be in a worse position when she passes, than if she cut the apron strings now. And that she has essentially created a problem for me and the other siblings when she is gone. Her response "who cares, I'll be dead by then." It seems like if she truly loved him, she would have taken a different path.

 

[House Cat]

While I am good with reviewing my past behavior, I am never good with language that is harsh towards my sweet and loving nature. If I have spent years trying to love someone and have not been successful, that was me, trying to love someone with my big ole heart. And while I can get tripped up by my nature from time to time, I can recognize that I am a work in progress. I am always learning. I am comfortable with remaining a loving person and next time, I will try to set boundaries that will honor my loving nature while keeping people who don’t honor my heart at a distance.

Like Annette said, it is ok to make a different decision at any point of any one sided or harmful relationship. I can say that I don’t want to participate in the way this person treats me/loves me. Your husband can say, I love my mom with all my heart but this is a battle I won’t ever win! And both of you can begin the process of letting go and loving yourselves (and one another.)

It is so heart crushing to love someone who has their back turned to you. It’s even worse when they freely give love to another at the same time. That hurt requires a mindful healing that will take conscious effort.

I am always a big proponent of therapy. I don’t know if reading up on narcissistic mothers or borderline mothers will help. I am not an expert and I can’t say what her pathology is, but with both they favor one child and scapegoat another. The website Out Of The Fog has a lot of good advice for “medium chill” when dealing with someone like MIL and other methods. There is also a forum full of people who have lived through hurtful situations like this one.

 

[Austina]

Another been there done that.

What did I do? I walked away and have no contact with people who used and took from me. If I wasn’t going to be treated the same as the others, then I’m not going to continue giving, whilst being resented for being in a position to!