Financial favouritism?

[Begonia]

This is a hard one for me to post. It’s something I’ve been struggling with personally for a few months now.

Here’s my story:

There are 3 children in my husbands family - the eldest “Diane” is a successful professional married with 1 grown child. Next are twin boys DH and “Bob” who is severely physically disabled and mentally ill. He lives in a residence for the disabled. It is government funded.

My MIL has financially been helping out Diane for years. A deposit on a home abroad , support when she took maternity leave, twice yearly visits to Canada. Over 25 years this had amounted to a lot of money. For the last 20 years, Diane’s been a successful professional and has lived a lifestyle of travelling and shopping.

Diane lived abroad for 25 years and visited twice yearly. While she was away, DH and I did all of the entertaining, cooking, shopping, during our frequent visits to the MIL who lives 3 hours away. We helped with the disabled brother when we could, but not as much as the MIL would have liked. My DH has a complicated relationship with his brother and mother. His mom ignored and neglected the healthy twin (my hubbie) to care for the disabled one. Far beyond what was necessary or healthy. This has caused resentment and tons of dysfunction, as you can imagine.

My husband and I had 2 kids and I stayed at home with them. We had a tiny home (a cottage really) and struggled financially for years, with no financial support. None at all. We are thrifty with our money because we had to be. No trips, eating out once, maybe twice a year, buying thrift, you name it.

5 years ago we decided to get a bigger house. With 2 growing boys, we had simply outgrown the space. We purchased a larger house (not extravagant), and I returned to the work force. At that time, to my great surprise, MIL stepped forward and gave us a sum of money to help with the house. To “even things up” were her words. The money wasn’t as much as what had been spent on my SIL, but I was grateful for the help and said so. We still maintain a large mortgage and will not likely pay it off before we “retire”. We can’t ever officially retire, we will always have to work. We know it and accept it as inevitable.

Fast forward. Diane has decided to return to Canada. She had a condo abroad which the husband stays in, and she has retired and come back to Canada. She is receiving a healthy pension and is now working contract work in the same line of work here. She is making excellent money - possibly more than hubbie and I combined. Within 6 months, she had convinced MIL to sell her multimillion dollar home and buy a condo, so MIL bought herself one and Diane one as well. Diane now has 2 homes mortgage free. I’m not too sure of the relationship between her and her husband but I think they are just living as a global couple because he comes to visit.

I’ve stayed out of things for years, and will continue to do so, but I’m feeling some resentment. It’s not just the money, but many many things. MIL has no relationship with my sons, didn’t come to see our eldest graduate high school last year and help us all celebrate. No gift of course. Continues to not be supportive of DH even though he is struggling with extreme anxiety. Has never really accepted me into the family. Sigh...not enough detail here but there aren’t enough hours in the day. She has triangulated with the kids for years, and I feel her behaviour has contributed to sibling rivalry.

I’ve been harbouring resentment for years about her emotional neglect of hubbie. Then I joined the family and both me and my kids are neglected as well. There seems to be plenty of attention for the daughter and other son. Then hubbie started suffering mental illness and I’ve talked with MIL about him needing support. No emotional support for him at all. She is giving him passive aggressive jabs because he isn’t emotionally fit enough to make the trip to help her move. Then Diane moves into an $800k condo.

It was hard to wrote this. I’ve not said anything out loud because I’m ashamed of my feelings to a certain extent. I’ve tried not to have expectations of people my whole life, but inside I’m having these feelings of anger and resentment. I can’t talk to anyone about it. When I vented to my older brother a bit, he accused me of being a gold digger.

I learned from my parents families that 2 things can tear families apart: secrets and money. It tore both my mother and fathers family apart. I have no aunts, uncles or cousins.

So, I welcome any clarity you can provide.

 

[lyra]

I'm not one to offer clarity. I mostly operate on getting through day to day. I have extremely similar issues with my MIL (and late FIL). They have financed their daughter's life for the past 30 years because, well I don't even understand the reasoning. SIL is a major tool and is awful to us and our daughters. Our daughters get virtually nothing, but they are grown and don't care about material items. MIL is extremely materialistic. We've always had struggles, and inlaws always seemed to give the impression that it was DH's personal fault. He has a brother who is a multi millionaire who is extremely out of touch with us common folk, and who has a hair trigger response to a lot of things, so we avoid getting caught in any crossfire.

I try to just support my little family. Inlaws are all on the west coast, we are in the GTA so distance really helps. We try to appease BIL because his ego/personality requires it. We try to be civil with SIL. We are supportive of MIL who lost FIL last year, but understand that she favours the other two siblings over us or our kids. It bothers DH, but not me. We have our own little 4 person extremely close and open family. Our daughters are grown but still live at home probably until they get married.

I try to make sure DH remembers their birthdays and such, just to keep the peace. It's like walking a tightrope sometimes. I do encourage DH to visit when he can, and our kids too. I personally just stay out of everything so I can't be faulted for anything. When DH has needed emotional support, there was a vast emptiness of it where his family was concerned. They have watched us lose 2 houses due to DH being downsized twice. They could have helped. If times get desperate again, they'd watch us be homeless to be honest. So I can empathize. But I'd also probably just tell you to give up hope. They're not reacting to your or your husband's communications. Absolutely not fair, but it happens. Make your own family as strong as you can because that's all you really have. Sorry you are going through this.

 

[pearlsngems]

You absolutely have cause to feel as you do., and in your shoes I would feel resentful, too. I think most people would.
You are not a golddigger for feeling this way.

The sad truth is that your MIL has chosen to play favorites for reasons of her own, hang the relationship costs, and this is unlikely to change. Holding onto the hope that she will someday decide to treat your husband equally will likely lead to continued disappointment.

Hard as it is, I urge you to let go of this hope, for your own peace of mind.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

First of all, I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, I'm currently a SAHM, two boys, a small house, no vacations etc and we are pretty much on our own.

I don't have any family of my own and DH's family is dysfunctional as all get out. So what I'm going to say comes from a good place and is only meant to help you.

Stop worrying about Diane and her life and focus on yours exclusively. When you look at others and what they have, how much help they get and possibly how much better their lot in life is than yours, you are taking that energy away from your own life and happiness. Also worth mentioning is it's really easy to see how much greener someone else's grass is without knowing their struggle, trust me there is always a struggle. Yes maybe she has this picture perfect life on the outside but there is always more to the story.

When I stopped concerning myself with other people's business and focused on my own, my happiness increased greatly. It's not easy but it's possible. Also consider that life is short, you have a nice family, kids, a house and many other things so many wish they had. Focus on that. Granted it's not fair, life isn't fair but one builds far more character through struggles and hard work than having things given to them.

I wish you all the best.

 

[CJ2008]

Begonia, I would probably be feeling the same way so I have no words of wisdom for you.

But I am glad you shared with us so that you can let your feelings out and explore them and not feel so alone.

I'm sure you know this by now, but this board is full of the most awesome people.

 

[bludiva]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. There were similar dynamics in my parents' families, particularly on my dad's side, that strongly impacted the emotional and financial well-being of their generation as well as ours. You can't control your MIL's actions and she and your SIL have some justification in their minds why it is fair. If I may say, the most valuable thing you can do is try to limit the emotional impact on your husband and on your kids. I grew up thinking we were worth "less than" because that's how we were treated. And that's BS. But it took me many years to realize that no one is worth "less than." Agree with Lyra that investing in making your own family as strong as possible is what counts. Best to you and yours.

 

[partgypsy]

To give you an example, in my family there are 4 kids. The oldest brother (OB) who has alcohol, drug, and emotional problems. My sister and I, and my little brother. My parents have helped out my oldest brother so much to the extent of even neglecting the other kids when they needed attention and help. I am talking about large amounts of money, free housing since his early twenties, paying for his booze, cable, cigs, etc. My mother's codependent relationship with my brother in particular contributed to my parent's divorce, and for my own sanity and independence relocated to another part of the country. My little brother deals by keeping busy, has his own family, and keeps strict boundaries with my Mom and OB. My sister OTOH, who is struggling, is constantly talking about how the parents have helped OB, how they haven't helped her, how OB has ruined her life, etc etc. The fact is, my parents aren't going to change. OB is not going to change. The only way to win is to not play the game. There is definitely sadness to it, because often my parents weren't there for me during important times of my life (college graduation, getting married, getting my PhD) because of OB. I wish I had a stable supportive family. But I recognize the only thing I can do, is to improve my own life, and provide that healthy stable situation for my children's lives. Find and forge your own support system. Friends and other parents of kids. Minimize your contact with toxic people. Heck, I give you permission to cut your MIL as well as her expectations of you, if it creates a healthier, more sane situation within your own family.

 

[azstonie]

Your MIL is dead wrong. Has been since your DH was designated as the scapegoat/ "SG" of his family of origin, FOO. (My DH is also his FOO scapegoat like yours, difference being his older bro used the grandkids as leverage for his drinking/drugging/periods of unemployment.)

I don't want to step on your toes, here, but my experience tells me your MIL was not "evening things up"----no, that is classic misdirection. She was ensuring she would retain you and your DH as slaves. She could see the rope was slipping.

Outofthefog.net (FOG is fear, obligation and guilt)

 

[azstonie]

I was my FOO rarely golden child AND usually scapegoat (only child) until my DH and a therapist gave me the tools and support to opt out of being my FOO slave and abuse target. Was it easy? No. Was it worth it? Yes.

 

[cmd2014]

Maybe you’d feel less resentful if you and your husband sat down and came to an agreement about what amount of connection/time/pragmatic support would feel fair to provide his family going forward given the status quo. Often the least favored child does the most for critical or neglectful parents in an effort to win affection, and inadvertently creates resentment in their spouse for asking them to be a part of this inequity. You’d probably feel better if you were giving them what felt proportionate to what they give you.

 

[Begonia]

I'm not one to offer clarity. I mostly operate on getting through day to day. I have extremely similar issues with my MIL (and late FIL). They have financed their daughter's life for the past 30 years because, well I don't even understand the reasoning. SIL is a major tool and is awful to us and our daughters. Our daughters get virtually nothing, but they are grown and don't care about material items. MIL is extremely materialistic. We've always had struggles, and inlaws always seemed to give the impression that it was DH's personal fault. He has a brother who is a multi millionaire who is extremely out of touch with us common folk, and who has a hair trigger response to a lot of things, so we avoid getting caught in any crossfire.

I try to just support my little family. Inlaws are all on the west coast, we are in the GTA so distance really helps. We try to appease BIL because his ego/personality requires it. We try to be civil with SIL. We are supportive of MIL who lost FIL last year, but understand that she favours the other two siblings over us or our kids. It bothers DH, but not me. We have our own little 4 person extremely close and open family. Our daughters are grown but still live at home probably until they get married.

I try to make sure DH remembers their birthdays and such, just to keep the peace. It's like walking a tightrope sometimes. I do encourage DH to visit when he can, and our kids too. I personally just stay out of everything so I can't be faulted for anything. When DH has needed emotional support, there was a vast emptiness of it where his family was concerned. They have watched us lose 2 houses due to DH being downsized twice. They could have helped. If times get desperate again, they'd watch us be homeless to be honest. So I can empathize. But I'd also probably just tell you to give up hope. They're not reacting to your or your husband's communications. Absolutely not fair, but it happens. Make your own family as strong as you can because that's all you really have. Sorry you are going through this.

It resonated with me when you said you have your own very close and open little 4 person family. That exactly how we are too. Actually your whole reply could be our family.

We aren’t going to get much from her/them and I do need to let it go. I will eventually. I usually get put off after something new happens, and there has been plenty lately.

Thank you for sharing Lyra (())

 

[Begonia]

You absolutely have cause to feel as you do., and in your shoes I would feel resentful, too. I think most people would.
You are not a golddigger for feeling this way.

The sad truth is that your MIL has chosen to play favorites for reasons of her own, hang the relationship costs, and this is unlikely to change. Holding onto the hope that she will someday decide to treat your husband equally will likely lead to continued disappointment.

Hard as it is, I urge you to let go of this hope, for your own peace of mind.

Yes, you’re right, and it’s hard to hear but also helps me tremendously. I love that others are giving me their wisdom right now.

Thank you pearlsngems

 

[Begonia]

First of all, I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, I'm currently a SAHM, two boys, a small house, no vacations etc and we are pretty much on our own.

I don't have any family of my own and DH's family is dysfunctional as all get out. So what I'm going to say comes from a good place and is only meant to help you.

Stop worrying about Diane and her life and focus on yours exclusively. When you look at others and what they have, how much help they get and possibly how much better their lot in life is than yours, you are taking that energy away from your own life and happiness. Also worth mentioning is it's really easy to see how much greener someone else's grass is without knowing their struggle, trust me there is always a struggle. Yes maybe she has this picture perfect life on the outside but there is always more to the story.

When I stopped concerning myself with other people's business and focused on my own, my happiness increased greatly. It's not easy but it's possible. Also consider that life is short, you have a nice family, kids, a house and many other things so many wish they had. Focus on that. Granted it's not fair, life isn't fair but one builds far more character through struggles and hard work than having things given to them.

I wish you all the best.

I wouldn’t say I’m worrying about Diane, I have so many other things going on right now that do worry me. A mentally ill husband and me off work with a back injury - those things worry me. When I hear more about what is going on with them, and I’m feeling anxious, worried about my family, the resentment starts. I stop it and move on, for long periods of time.

I’m not sure how I can be in touch and communicating and stay completely neutral emotionally. I’m not able to do that. I’ve taken the high road for 25 years but it’s getting harder for me.

Yes character is built thru hard work. Story of my life. I grapple with being grateful for what we do have and then having to deal with yet another rejection or example of favouritism. I don’t even like the word, it irritates me. Makes me feel like a child saying “no fairsies”. Then I focus on my blessings.

I am not able to get fully past this however.

Thank you for your words StephanieLynn.

 

[Begonia]

Begonia, I would probably be feeling the same way so I have no words of wisdom for you.

But I am glad you shared with us so that you can let your feelings out and explore them and not feel so alone.

I'm sure you know this by now, but this board is full of the most awesome people.

You know it CJ. So many smart people with so much wisdom. I’m touched they’ve taken the time to respond, you included!

 

[Begonia]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. There were similar dynamics in my parents' families, particularly on my dad's side, that strongly impacted the emotional and financial well-being of their generation as well as ours. You can't control your MIL's actions and she and your SIL have some justification in their minds why it is fair. If I may say, the most valuable thing you can do is try to limit the emotional impact on your husband and on your kids. I grew up thinking we were worth "less than" because that's how we were treated. And that's BS. But it took me many years to realize that no one is worth "less than." Agree with Lyra that investing in making your own family as strong as possible is what counts. Best to you and yours.

It feels that way at times - that we aren’t valued the same. I will reflect on that and fight it when I see it. I want to also watch out for the “poor us” mentality. My older son can go down that road a bit...

Thank you bludiva

 

[luv2sparkle]

Begonia, I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. You have every right to feel this way, I would feel the same. You MIL is so foolish for not wanting to grab every minute she can with your boys. It is amazing that people can be so shortsighted. How ridiculous to fund a selfish lifestyle instead of helping a family. I wish I had great advice but all I can think of is to tell you to be grateful for your blessings and sorry for her for what she has missed out on. It is truly her loss and dwelling on the painful, hurtful parts just won’t make you feel any better. I can tell you for certain that this is true from dealing with my own painful relationships with family. Focusing on your blessings doesn’t change the reality of it, but it changes your perspective.
Big hugs to you, and I wish it was different for you.

 

[Begonia]

To give you an example, in my family there are 4 kids. The oldest brother (OB) who has alcohol, drug, and emotional problems. My sister and I, and my little brother. My parents have helped out my oldest brother so much to the extent of even neglecting the other kids when they needed attention and help. I am talking about large amounts of money, free housing since his early twenties, paying for his booze, cable, cigs, etc. My mother's codependent relationship with my brother in particular contributed to my parent's divorce, and for my own sanity and independence relocated to another part of the country. My little brother deals by keeping busy, has his own family, and keeps strict boundaries with my Mom and OB. My sister OTOH, who is struggling, is constantly talking about how the parents have helped OB, how they haven't helped her, how OB has ruined her life, etc etc. The fact is, my parents aren't going to change. OB is not going to change. The only way to win is to not play the game. There is definitely sadness to it, because often my parents weren't there for me during important times of my life (college graduation, getting married, getting my PhD) because of OB. I wish I had a stable supportive family. But I recognize the only thing I can do, is to improve my own life, and provide that healthy stable situation for my children's lives. Find and forge your own support system. Friends and other parents of kids. Minimize your contact with toxic people. Heck, I give you permission to cut your MIL as well as her expectations of you, if it creates a healthier, more sane situation within your own family.

It’s been tough developing a support system. My husband is such a loner and so introverted - I’ve had to do all the work on my own. I have a few friends now, thankfully. Not enough though.

I feel as though a big rift is coming, and I’m not sure I’m up to the hard work to prevent it.

My little family is so close however and that’s what I nurture.

Thank you partgypsy

 

[Begonia]

Your MIL is dead wrong. Has been since your DH was designated as the scapegoat/ "SG" of his family of origin, FOO. (My DH is also his FOO scapegoat like yours, difference being his older bro used the grandkids as leverage for his drinking/drugging/periods of unemployment.)

I don't want to step on your toes, here, but my experience tells me your MIL was not "evening things up"----no, that is classic misdirection. She was ensuring she would retain you and your DH as slaves. She could see the rope was slipping.

Outofthefog.net (FOG is fear, obligation and guilt)

You are probably right azstonie. You’ve given me some things to think about. Thank you.

 

[Begonia]

Maybe you’d feel less resentful if you and your husband sat down and came to an agreement about what amount of connection/time/pragmatic support would feel fair to provide his family going forward given the status quo. Often the least favored child does the most for critical or neglectful parents in an effort to win affection, and inadvertently creates resentment in their spouse for asking them to be a part of this inequity. You’d probably feel better if you were giving them what felt proportionate to what they give you.

I’ve already scaled the help way way back. With husband not well, we haven’t been able to go and visit. Additionally I work shifts, and that has put a big stop to a lot. The MIL is using that as an excuse that Diane is “a big help to her now”, and she bought her the condo. Ummm, what about the last 25 years. Can we just call it what it is and stop the bs?

I’m not going to be able to continue the way it has been.

Thank you cmd

 

[Begonia]

Begonia, I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. You have every right to feel this way, I would feel the same. You MIL is so foolish for not wanting to grab every minute she can with your boys. It is amazing that people can be so shortsighted. How ridiculous to fund a selfish lifestyle instead of helping a family. I wish I had great advice but all I can think of is to tell you to be grateful for your blessings and sorry for her for what she has missed out on. It is truly her loss and dwelling on the painful, hurtful parts just won’t make you feel any better. I can tell you for certain that this is true from dealing with my own painful relationships with family. Focusing on your blessings doesn’t change the reality of it, but it changes your perspective.
Big hugs to you, and I wish it was different for you.

Is it just me, or do others go back and forth been gratitude and resentment? It’s exhausting and a $#@tload of work LOL!

I can’t forgive her missing out on my sons growing up. The money is just the part that is tipping that over the edge.

I will take that hug tho and thank you luv2sparkle

 

[Calliecake]

@Begonia, Her missing out on having an important place in your children lives is truly her loss. I'm sorry you are dealing with all this.

Within my own family I've learned sometimes it's just best to walk away, be happy and live your life. You have no control over what you MIL does and I seriously doubt she will change. It sounds like this family dynamic has been in play years before you came into the picture.

 

[yssie]

I don't have any advice... but this made me sad

I can’t forgive her missing out on my sons growing up. The money is just the part that is tipping that over the edge.

Your MIL's behaviour is... I really can't tell if it's deliberately callous or heartbreakingly negligent but either way I'm very sorry you and your family have apparently drawn the short straw on it.

You have something Diane doesn't have and never will have: your family. Your relationship with your husband, and your children. I love @cmd2014's response and I'm glad to hear you've taken steps to prioritise your family's wellbeing - that can't have been an easy thing to talk about, or do!! ::HUGS::

 

[Begonia]

I don't have any advice... but this made me sad



Your MIL's behaviour is... I really can't tell if it's deliberately callous or heartbreakingly negligent but either way I'm very sorry you and your family have apparently drawn the short straw on it.

You have something Diane doesn't have and never will have: your family. Your relationship with your husband, and your children. I love @cmd2014's response and I'm glad to hear you've taken steps to prioritise your family's wellbeing - that can't have been an easy thing to talk about, or do!! ::HUGS::

I will take that hug Yssie!

I’ve been thinking along those lines but it’s validating to have someone else what I’m feeling but can’t form into a thought. Hubbie and I do talk about it a lot - that something has died for us with that relationship. Maybe we were the only ones really invested, and finally figured it out?

I took an anger management course years ago that taught me anger is the second emotion, and is masking earlier ones that are harder to deal with. Extreme hurt and disappointment.

We are able to take care of ourselves. There aren’t many extras, and the financial help would have eased a lot of burdens for us. I have a kind husband and 2 sweet kids, so I’m rich that way. We are all healthy - God knows without your health, nothing matters.

Thanks for giving me feedback Yssie and others. I don’t have womenfolk around. My parents are gone (dear Mum) and I have no relationship with those 2. It’s dangerous turning to the internet for support but you’ve all been so helpful and gentle.

Thank you.

 

[FinleysMom]

Be proud of your accomplishments and of your family....you and your husband have stood on your own without "help"...definitely something to be admired and aspired to be. No one has "helped" me or my husband....we never expected it. We are proud of OUR accomplishments. Let go of the hard feelings and enjoy your life! The example you set for your kids is exemplary!

FM

 

[Missy]

Begonia I am so sorry and of course you have every right to feel the way you do. As others have mentioned your MIL is the real loser here. Losing out on time with her family. Much more important (IMO) than the financial aspect is the loss of time you get with loved ones. Everyone loses in this situation. The sad thing is you cannot do anything to change or control your MIL's behavior.

I will add that when money comes into play people tend to get very emotional more than usual. I know it's easier said than done but I would urge you to realize she can do whatever she wants with her money whether it is "fair" or not. It's her money and her decision.

I don't know why but generally family dynamics all have some level of dysfunction in them. Maybe that is the definition of dysfunction. I don't know if it will make you feel better but you are not alone as I would guess many of us are dealing with similar family issues. Take heart in that you are close to your small family (your dh and your kids) and nurturing that relationship. (((Hugs))).

 

[House Cat]

- Mom favors her daughter over the other children for some reason. Who knows what the real reason is? Whatever it is, it isn’t worthy of her shitty and inexcusable behavior.

-Of course this behavior spilled over onto you and your kids! You wouldn’t be seen and loved and treated differently than the neglected son that you are married to.

- This favoritism and neglect has to be a huge source of your husband’s anxiety. It sounds like he stuffs those hurt feelings and still continues to try and function with his extremely toxic mother. Stuffing huge feelings like that always manifests in bigger ways. Your poor husband. He deserves lots of love and understanding and room to hurt and grieve the mother he should have had. Mother wounds run deepest of all.

- All of your feelings are valid. Please try and let go. Something that really stuck out to me, that bothered me was the event where she gave you money for the house to even things up. This tells me that she is aware that she gives unevenly and she continues to do so without correcting the problem. This is ugly. But this tells me she isn’t going to change. This leaves you with the option to accept her behavior and act accordingly by drawing boundaries around her with your own behavior. Don’t host holidays for her. Don’t cater to her. Do your own thing! Maybe it’s time to put her in her place?

 

[Tekate]

A son is a son till he takes a wife - a daughter is a daughter all of your life.. works both ways.. we all just coddle our daughters more. I empathy and sympathize with your situation. All the counseling I've had over 65 years (actually just 39 years ) brought me to the conclusion that I have my own sons and my own life and I no longer care about favoritism from either side (since my parents and my FIL are all dead).. I used to say at IBM, if you are a great employee you get more work! if you suck you get help.. It sucks, you deserve more for your GIVING.. but you aren't going to get it. Counseling on how to place these emotions in a better spot would be helpful. with age comes not wisdom but resignation and growth I think. It's alright to feel this way and it's GREAT to talk to others about your feelings, because we who have experienced this in our lives can empathize and give you a virtual hug. Remember to keep you, hubster and boys FIRST in your life. ALWAYS. Happy Happy holiday(s) to you.. treat yourself to something you want. peace.

 

[Calliecake]

I couldn't sleep last night and was thinking of you for a bit of it Begonia. I came back to tell you that seeking therapy to help you deal with your feelings and how to handle them may be helpful to you. As often happens here @Tekate (love you Tekate!) summed up what I wanted to say perfectly. I think many of us here have been where you are at. We may not have the exact problem in our family but we certainly can understand your feelings. Holding on to negative feelings usually only hurts the person who has them.

Getting older does put some things in better perspective. I've found the chances of changing someone are extremely slim. We can only change how we react to and let those feelings affect us. Hanging on to negative feels and anger has never helped anyone. You also cannot change people. One of my closest friends always says "It's so hard to change things we don't like about ourselves, why you on earth would anyone feel they can change other person"

I also want to thank you for starting this thread. The advice given here has also helped me in more ways than you could possibly know, As another poster mentioned pretty much all families have some level of dysfunction. The holiday season can bring feelings of hurt and resentment to surface.

It sounds like the life you have created with your husband and children is a wonderful one.

 

[december-fire]

Begonia,

First off, I'm sending you a big hug.

Now, I'd like you to figure out why you've done so much for your MIL in the past.
It could be because: 'She's my MIL', 'I'm trying to be a good Daughter-in-Law', 'Respect your elders', 'Its part of being a good wife', 'It makes my DH happy', 'Its a good example to my kids', etc.
All stuff that can motivate our actions.

However, are you really being a good example to your kids?
Do you want them to have the same motivations, regardless of how they are treated by others in life?
Rather like the old 'Stand by your man', 'Till death do us part', etc., that can keep a person in an unhealthy relationship.

Nothing wrong with trying to respect your elders, be a good DIL, etc., provided that its a two-way street and you are being respected and treated properly.
'Treat others as you would have them treat you' does not mean that you should allow yourself, or your loved ones, to be treated in an unacceptable manner.

Your MIL sounds very familiar to me, in terms of her personality.
Giving you and your DH a less-than-equal amount of money to 'even things up', and other behaviours, sounds like her way to get you and your DH to try harder to get her approval and appreciation.
Like someone playing hard-to-get.

Your MIL has money.
She can hire people to cook or shop for her, or she can manipulate her daughter into doing those things.

Resentment and anger can sometimes be because we're realizing how much time and energy we've put into someone who didn't deserve it.
You have a choice about your path moving forward.
You are a good person regardless of whether or not you continue to invest time and energy into your MIL.
However, if you continue to be a pawn in your MIL's game, then I don't think you are treating yourself with the love and respect you deserve.

I'm tempted to sign off as 'Been there, done that!'.

 

[Calliecake]

Oh @december-fire You aren't alone in the "been there, done that" category!