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Fill in the blank: I never thought I would become…..

GeliL

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Oct 30, 2018
Messages
197
I love your background. Because code should be beautiful.

Pretty look at, easy to follow, well-tested, and well-documented. I wish more software engineers took pride pride in how their product presents itself... Getting something working is a paltry achievement - any code monkey can “get it working”. Getting something working in a way that someone new can step in and maintain it easily - that’s beautiful and valuable! And I have zero tolerance for people who call themselves “hackers” and “tinkerers”; I can’t respect someone who won’t give a passion his or her best effort.

Artistry is critical no matter what you’re doing, IMO. Even something as supposedly-opposing as tech. I absolutely LOVE the idea of a background in art history and CS and I imagine such a person (you!) would be very successful in any industry you chose.

Wow! Thank you for all the kind words. I try my best to live up to my background haha.

I definitely believe in graceful code, it is definitely a very valuable skill that a lot of people overlook but is actually more important than solving problems and doing hacky solutions. Organization, collaboration and code cleanliness is so important. Those who are passionate definitely become somewhat obssessed with it. You can tell so much from a person's code: their personality, their thought processes, everything! Analyzing code can definitely be comparable to analyzing a painting or a piece of literature, so and it ultimately all boils down to the spirit of research.

Completely agree in the artistry of things! You can't make anything great without it, even computer programs :D they are made by humans afterall.
 

GeliL

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Oct 30, 2018
Messages
197
@GeliL, coding is such a wonderful and important skill to have these days. My son apparently knows how to do it (he is 14). I think he knows how to code and make bots for Discord, pretty sure that’s what he told me anyways.

Coding isn't as mystical as everyone thinks and a lot of younger kids are definitely starting it early. Discord bots are used by a lot of people, especially in a big discord group so your son must be very talented :)
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
8,717
Six kids @kipari, I’m in awe to be honest, because sometimes I get worn out taking care of two! It is a blessing though to get to stay home, wouldn’t have it any other way.

@Polished that’s awesome that you are enjoying your delivery driver job, makes life that much sweeter to do something you enjoy. Makes the time go by faster too.

@canuk-gal, I grew up in the 80’s where tv was basically a babysitter and I could watch it endlessly. It can be a hard habit to break especially when you find a show you really enjoy and binge watch the whole thing :)
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
8,717
@GeliL, this is what he tells me but honestly it’s all Greek to me. I believe his friend taught him how to code during lockdown over the phone.

@Dancing Fire and you are a great grandfather too, lucky kids you have that they have such involved and available grandparents!
 

elle_71125

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 29, 2012
Messages
5,160
I never thought I'd become...child free by choice.

I come from a large family. My great grandparents had 10+ kids. My grandparents had 6 kids. Each one of my aunts & uncles has 3-5 kids. Kids is just what we do. I grew up "knowing" that I was having kids one day. I got married "knowing" I was having kids one day. It's just expected. Then I met my first "child free by choice" person. She was a co-worker at my job. It had literally never occurred to me that not having kids was an option. Turns out, it was the option I didn't know about but had always wanted.
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
8,717
@elle_71125, it also doesn’t help that there is this societal expectation that women have children because it’s just what you do. I believe people are put into our lives for a reason and sometimes it’s to deliver a message, like your coworker.
 

kipari

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
3,119
I never thought I'd become...child free by choice.

I come from a large family. My great grandparents had 10+ kids. My grandparents had 6 kids. Each one of my aunts & uncles has 3-5 kids. Kids is just what we do. I grew up "knowing" that I was having kids one day. I got married "knowing" I was having kids one day. It's just expected. Then I met my first "child free by choice" person. She was a co-worker at my job. It had literally never occurred to me that not having kids was an option. Turns out, it was the option I didn't know about but had always wanted.

Ha, that's a bit like my story - reversed!


Contrary to what many people think when they meet me with my six children I can definitely see how fulfilled a child free life can be. I'm grateful that we live in a time where we can make our own choice to be happy and fulfilled.


(Side note: funnily enough I get a lot of slack for having too many children mostly from the same people who also judge my child free friends for not having any. Nowadays we can have good laugh about it together!)
 

Calliecake

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 7, 2014
Messages
7,862
@elle_71125 , I’m glad you did what was right for you. I remember some of the comments I heard when people found out we didn’t have children and I really wanted children. Why women can’t just be supportive of each other whatever choice they make is beyond me.

@kipari , You have the hardest and most thankless job out there but I can’t imagine any job being more rewarding than raising children.

I never thought I would be childless. Being a mom was my biggest dream. Thank God for nieces and nephews and grandnieces and grand nephews. They bring me such joy.
 

yssie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 14, 2009
Messages
23,035
Childless at 33. My #LifePlan always involved having two or three kids by thirty. That plan didn’t account for just how demanding my career would become, and how important that career would be to me.

I don’t regret my choice, but... I do wish there was some way to have my cake and eat it too.
 

elle_71125

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 29, 2012
Messages
5,160
@elle_71125 , I’m glad you did what was right for you. I remember some of the comments I heard when people found out we didn’t have children and I really wanted children. Why women can’t just be supportive of each other whatever choice they make is beyond me.

@kipari , You have the hardest and most thankless job out there but I can’t imagine any job being more rewarding than raising children.

I never thought I would be childless. Being a mom was my biggest dream. Thank God for nieces and nephews and grandnieces and grand nephews. They bring me such joy.

I’m sorry, Calliecake. :blackeye: I can only imagine how much you’ve been through and how heavily it can weigh on your heart. I have to agree that, as women, we are often our own worst enemies. So much judgement! Luckily, this forum is full of some of the kindest and most generous women I’ve ever known...and I’m very grateful for that.

Side note: I bet you’re an amazing aunt. I’m glad you have them to share all that love with.
 

Austina

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 24, 2017
Messages
5,810
My initial reply was rather flip, but after reading all the replies, I’m in awe that there’s such an amazing bunch of people on this forum.

@YadaYadaYada I have absolutely no doubt you’re going to do really well home schooling, you have the courage of your convictions, and I really admire you for that.

To all the other fabulous PSers, wow, the things that you’ve overcome and deal with on a daily basis, my hat’s off to you!

If I can change my reply, I never thought that in my 60’s I’d be in the process of packing up my whole life to move 5000 miles across the ocean to start a new life with DH. Our DS (and now DDIL) asked us to move to be close to them. We’ve had a really stressful week dealing with estate agents (realtors) and getting our house ready to market.
 

kipari

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
3,119
@elle_71125 , I’m glad you did what was right for you. I remember some of the comments I heard when people found out we didn’t have children and I really wanted children. Why women can’t just be supportive of each other whatever choice they make is beyond me.

@kipari , You have the hardest and most thankless job out there but I can’t imagine any job being more rewarding than raising children.

I never thought I would be childless. Being a mom was my biggest dream. Thank God for nieces and nephews and grandnieces and grand nephews. They bring me such joy.

Thank you @Calliecake . I'm sorry your dream didn't become a reality, but I'm glad your nieces and grandnieces bring you so much joy. They are so lucky to have such a wonderful aunt in their lives. It does take a village to raise children and those girls are blessed to have you in their lives
 

kipari

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
3,119
My initial reply was rather flip, but after reading all the replies, I’m in awe that there’s such an amazing bunch of people on this forum.

@YadaYadaYada I have absolutely no doubt you’re going to do really well home schooling, you have the courage of your convictions, and I really admire you for that.

To all the other fabulous PSers, wow, the things that you’ve overcome and deal with on a daily basis, my hat’s off to you!

If I can change my reply, I never thought that in my 60’s I’d be in the process of packing up my whole life to move 5000 miles across the ocean to start a new life with DH. Our DS (and now DDIL) asked us to move to be close to them. We’ve had a really stressful week dealing with estate agents (realtors) and getting our house ready to market.

Fingers crossed for you guys! I moved internationally 5 years ago and I can relate. It's exhausting (it was only within the EU, but involved young children). Your dd and dil are lucky to have such wonderful parents/in laws.
 

Jsand

Shiny_Rock
Joined
May 6, 2019
Messages
258
Childless at 33. My #LifePlan always involved having two or three kids by thirty. That plan didn’t account for just how demanding my career would become, and how important that career would be to me.

I don’t regret my choice, but... I do wish there was some way to have my cake and eat it too.

33 is YOUNG - there’s time! Didn’t have my first until 33. Now I’m nearly 37 with 2 toddlers and a newborn…working a 50 hour week!

Send help. Better yet, send bling!
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
8,717
@Calliecake, I’m sorry you didn’t realize your dream but you can be the best auntie and aunties are special.

@yssie, it sounds like you have a wonderful fulfilling career that you enjoy and are good at. I’m sorry you didn’t realize your kid dream but to have a career like that is pretty great. I’m the opposite, I’ve had more success with children than a career so I can appreciate wanting it all and having to sacrifice something.

@Austina, thanks so much for your kind words. I hope your international move goes as well as possible and you are able to be reunited with your son finally. You can also go to more PS GTG’s!
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
8,717
Wow @Jsand you have a lot on your plate, hats off to you! Also to echo the sentiment of your post, I had my second child at 35, my mom had me at 39. So for anyone in their early thirties thinking time is up, there is still time to change your mind…or not!
 

yssie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 14, 2009
Messages
23,035
Thanks girls! And I’m sorry if that came off as self-pitying - I wasn’t trying to be.
I’m sure it will surprise noone here to learn that I tend to angst when things don’t go according to plan... So I have been angsting with varying degrees of ferocity for a full three years. Almost all of my coworkers are (have always been) men, and most have wives who take on the lion’s share of home and child needs. Of the very very few women who have advanced significantly and hold powerful technical positions - all are either childless or have hired full-time nannies. I joke that I need a wife; there’s enough truth to it to make everyone uncomfortable.
So “we’ll see”, I guess?
 

Dancing Fire

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 3, 2004
Messages
33,733
@Dancing Fire and you are a great grandfather too, lucky kids you have that they have such involved and available grandparents!
My wife will give me a daily report on our grandkids activities when she comes home from baby sitting. They are our pride and joy. w/o grandkids we would be staring at each other 24/7. We would kill each other by now. :lol:
 
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kipari

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
3,119
Thanks girls! And I’m sorry if that came off as self-pitying - I wasn’t trying to be.
I’m sure it will surprise noone here to learn that I tend to angst when things don’t go according to plan... So I have been angsting with varying degrees of ferocity for a full three years. Almost all of my coworkers are (have always been) men, and most have wives who take on the lion’s share of home and child needs. Of the very very few women who have advanced significantly and hold powerful technical positions - all are either childless or have hired full-time nannies. I joke that I need a wife; there’s enough truth to it to make everyone uncomfortable.
So “we’ll see”, I guess?

Keeping fingers crossed for you that everything works out perfectly: sometimes perfect for you does mean not according to plan!
I really get it, I'm a planner at heart, but that went out the window with many small children pretty fast... For me, personally that was totally fine, but I do know people who struggled with this a lot.





I've had a few conversations with our young Au Pair girls (around 19/20y/o) regarding this... While I applaud that parents nowadays (me included) tell girls they can achieve everything they dream of, I do think that obscures the fact that one still needs to make choices even today.

As @YadaYadaYada put it wisely: we all "have to sacrifice something".

It's not because of societal limitations or anything in my case specifically. My day didn't magically get one extra hour with each new member of my family. So when I saw that there wasn't enough time for my career and the needs of my specific children in my specific situation (one grandparent at 1.5 h drive), the right and informed decision for us was for me to become a SAHM. But there are as many solutions as there are families out there. If one truly does as best as one can in the circumstances it will work out !
 

yssie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 14, 2009
Messages
23,035
Keeping fingers crossed for you that everything works out perfectly: sometimes perfect for you does mean not according to plan!
I really get it, I'm a planner at heart, but that went out the window with many small children pretty fast... For me, personally that was totally fine, but I do know people who struggled with this a lot.





I've had a few conversations with our young Au Pair girls (around 19/20y/o) regarding this... While I applaud that parents nowadays (me included) tell girls they can achieve everything they dream of, I do think that obscures the fact that one still needs to make choices even today.

As @YadaYadaYada put it wisely: we all "have to sacrifice something".

It's not because of societal limitations or anything in my case specifically. My day didn't magically get one extra hour with each new member of my family. So when I saw that there wasn't enough time for my career and the needs of my specific children in my specific situation (one grandparent at 1.5 h drive), the right and informed decision for us was for me to become a SAHM. But there are as many solutions as there are families out there. If one truly does as best as one can in the circumstances it will work out !

I couldn’t agree more with all of this. And I hope no one has ever given you grief for your family’s decision to raise kids with a SAHM!

We as a society do girls a bit of a disservice, I think. Yes, these days you can do whatever you want to do, you can be whatever you want to be, but recognize that there’s going to be sacrifice somewhere else... Realistically for most women that sacrifice is going to come in the form of children - either having them at all or having as much time with them as they’d have liked.
 

qubitasaurus

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 18, 2014
Messages
1,441
Keeping fingers crossed for you that everything works out perfectly: sometimes perfect for you does mean not according to plan!
I really get it, I'm a planner at heart, but that went out the window with many small children pretty fast... For me, personally that was totally fine, but I do know people who struggled with this a lot.





I've had a few conversations with our young Au Pair girls (around 19/20y/o) regarding this... While I applaud that parents nowadays (me included) tell girls they can achieve everything they dream of, I do think that obscures the fact that one still needs to make choices even today.

As @YadaYadaYada put it wisely: we all "have to sacrifice something".

It's not because of societal limitations or anything in my case specifically. My day didn't magically get one extra hour with each new member of my family. So when I saw that there wasn't enough time for my career and the needs of my specific children in my specific situation (one grandparent at 1.5 h drive), the right and informed decision for us was for me to become a SAHM. But there are as many solutions as there are families out there. If one truly does as best as one can in the circumstances it will work out !

This is really true. I don't think it's possible not to make a trade. I also don't think it's possible to keep a competitive career job without someone at home, it can be a live in nany, au pair, grandparent or parent. Whoever that is, their family is beyond lucky to have them.

I even joined a women's support group for women in technical/software/pharmaceuticals/R&D careers at some stage, desperate to work out how they juggled children at home with their work obligations. After a year I gave up, as there wasn't a single exception to the rule -- everyone either didn't have children or had bought someone into their homes to look after their children. I think unilaterally their work hours just weren't compatible with being the primary care giver. I eventually found some people who were quite a bit more senior and probably 30+ years into their careers. They had cared for their children personally when they were younger. They had wonderful advice about not cooking, not cleaning, not doing any housework ever (apparently essential to survive), offloading everything possible and trying to put a protocol in place wherever possible to reduce the complexity, if it was a reoccurring obligation there was a template -- for instance they'd cook once on the weekend freeze it, and then put news paper down on the floor and put their children on the floor to eat the reheated meals throughout the week.
 

GoldenTouch

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Nov 9, 2018
Messages
344
I actually didn't have to have IVF. It just happened. I had no idea of what was wrong with me and took a pregnancy test just to rule it out. We were so shocked that I had a panic attack :) She's the best though. She loves jewelry and already has a pair of diamond studs and a bracelet with a tiny little stone in it. I'm raising her right!

Yes you are! Love it! My daughter is the same :P2
 

GoldenTouch

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Nov 9, 2018
Messages
344
A mum...infertility here as well. She is now 11 (& fabulous!).

Divorced (but never thought I would marry....)

Single mother...

Studying Uni approaching 50.... what was I thinking? All on line due to Covid and I am not coping :confused2:
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
8,717
@GoldenTouch, good on you for furthering your education at 50 although being a single mom and with everything online, that is a lot to take on. I hope it gets easier for you but either way how wonderful that you became a mom.
 

GoldenTouch

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Nov 9, 2018
Messages
344
@GoldenTouch, good on you for furthering your education at 50 although being a single mom and with everything online, that is a lot to take on. I hope it gets easier for you but either way how wonderful that you became a mom.

Thank you. I’m approaching 50 so quickly... and wondering (as much as I love learning) WHY am I doing this?

To hopefully be a good role model for my daughter..... and to hopefully improve my income for a better life for her.....
 

Linsey-woolsey

Shiny_Rock
Joined
May 29, 2019
Messages
111
So burnt out between child-rearing, family and professional pursuit. :cry2:
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
8,717
@GoldenTouch absolutely you are an inspiration to her. I’ve found that sometimes I set off on a journey I didn’t plan and just seem to be thrown into it and propelled forward. Afterwards it always makes sense and pays off so I hope you find the same.

@Linsey-woolsey, it is so hard to find some sort of balance, as women we truly get pulled in a million directions and have to keep all the balls in the air. I’m not sure how young your kids are but it does get easier as they become older and more self-sufficient.
 
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