feeling very down thanks to hubby (kinda long) would love advice.....

[Bia]

ANYONE who is mean to you on a regular basis (and for no good reason!) should be CUT OFF!

You''re young (without children, I''m assuming) and you have the rest of your life in front of you. If you (I mean people in general) can''t try to be happy in this life, what the hell is the point?

This is what divorce is for

 

[phoenixgirl]

All I can say is that this isn''t how marriage should be. Your husband should be your best friend, someone who tries to make you happy, someone who understands and appreciates you, someone whom you are proud to be with, and someone who wouldn''t let months go by in your mid 20s without intimacy (unless there is a medical/psychological issue that needs attention).

If money really is all that is holding you back, then I''d check Craigslist to see about renting a room from someone. A friend of mine rented out her spare bedroom this time last year to a woman who was leaving her husband. My friend wanted the extra cash for Christmas spending so it was a win/win. In this economy, you should be able to find a small room in someone''s house or apartment for just a couple of hundred dollars a month until you can clear your head and figure out a more long-term plan.

 

[tlh]

Your therapist has been around for many a session, as you said it was long term, and they don''t seem to think this is going in the right direction. If your PARTNER isn''t willing to work WITH you on this marriage, than you really don''t have a partnership... just an inconsiderate selfish roommate w/ your last name.

HUGE HUGS

 

[dragonfly411]

This sounds very much like my ex... I for a second wondered if they were the same person.

I think you already know what to do, so do it!!! You have so much to live for!!! ((HUGS))

 

[anchor31]

I''m sorry you''re going through this...

Your DH (unfortunately) sounds a lot like my FIL. He''s a very narcissistic man who thinks anyone who doesn''t agree with him is an a-hole and he cares more about money and his "stuff" than his family. MIL has been married to him for 34 years... And from what I can see and what I''ve heard, she''s been miserable for 34 years. She always hoped he would change, has always been afraid to leave because of money, finds excuses... He never did change. He still insults her publicly, makes major decisions and purchases without discussing them with her, etc. And now she''s a very bitter 55-year-old woman who constantly argues with her husband and clings desperately to her children, probably hoping that they will "save her".

isabella, you do NOT want become this woman. You say your friends and family are sick of hearing you complain... To be honest, DH says he''s sick of hearing his mother complain, but that is because she keeps complaining and never does anything about it. So, your friends and family may or may not really be sick of it, but chances are that if you decide to stop just complaining and do something to get yourself out of this situation, they will be much more supportive.

You say you know what you want and you know how to get there, so do it. Find people who will support you in your decision and do it. I know it''s scary, but isn''t the alternative even scarier??

Good luck.

 

[Porridge]

I think you know what to do.

{HUGS}

 

[diamondfan]

It takes two people to be in a relationship. If he is unwilling to own his part in things all the therapy in the world is not going to matter. Taking a clear and dispassionate look at the facts is scary sometimes...but necessary. If you decide there is something to salvage, then fine, but he MUST be willing to do his part as well, otherwise, even if you think it can be saved you will be doing all the work yourself and will end up resenting him and it won''t work. But please be willing to be objective about what you want, what you need, what he can give you (non financially) and are you able or wiling to live without those things if he is not able to provide them to you. That is what matters. If there was NO money involved, would you feel the same? I am certain you want a mate who is loving and supportive and there for you emotionally, someone who "gets" you and cares about what matters to you...who is not manipulative and controlling and hurtful to you...

 

[joflier]

So many things you''ve posted sound like my ex husband......my only piece of advice to you, is just to follow your instincts, and your heart. It sounds like he''s pretty unwilling to change, or even to try. And your unhappy. Is he going to be any more willing to work on things in a year? In 5 years? Are you going to be any happier with that in a year? In 5 years?
I always believed that marriage was forever.....but I finally decided that if I had to spend forever like how things were, then life just didn''t really seem worth too much. It''s been a long and painful road. And I haven''t a single regret.
That being said, I''m not telling you what you should or shouldn''t do. You have to be the one to make that decision. I hope things go well for you, in whatever you decide.

 

[exoticisabella]

Update: Thank you for all your help! It''s been a very long weekend and couple of days. I sat down with hubby and flat out told him (which I have done this several times, just never before said that I was leaving) that I''m tired of the way he is treating me. I deserve better. Of course he does the balling "please don''t leave me again".....hours later

........something clicks in my head that marriage councling will not work. Hid dad (FIL) was very verbally abusive to hubby and his mom wouldn''t stand up to him (FIL). I told him that this is a major issue that will effect all of his relationships and his quality of life. I also put down my foot and said that I want him to seek councling immediately (gave him one week to make an appointment) and that as long as he goes on a weekly basis I will do my best to help him. I''ve been through abuse hell and I know that he needs to work through this too. I am not, however, willing to sacrifice myself for his happiness. I told him that I will continue to prepare to move out by finding Tank a good home, looking for a good deal on a place, and getting my stuff together. If he continues to treat me badly, or does not stay with his appointments them I AM leaving. I told him that my deadline is February. That would give him 8 appointments which should yeild a significant difference (speaking from expierence here).

p.s. typing quickly before leaving for work so sorry if the spelling/grammer is off

 

[anchor31]

isabella - For what it''s worth, I think you are handling this very well. Just make sure you follow through on your promises! We''ll be here to support you, and I hope you find people to support you in RL too.

Good luck!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 11/28/2009 10:39:40 PM
Author: diamondfan
also wanted to add that before you have kids and invest many more years in this marriage, give it a try in counseling but also be prepared to make some tough decisions...you have one life and should NOT be afraid and hiding in the bathroom ever! Emotional abuse and lack of emotional support does not a great marriage make and it only gets worse and harder to leave as years go by. This type of treatment erodes you over time and creates resentments and hostilities. Plus it is telling that h is worried about the therapist thinking he is a bad person, but does he care what YOU think?, his own wife? You do not describe a guy who is good for you, or frankly, anyone. Ignored? Belittled? He is phony and convinces others he is something he is not? I would not want to live my life that way...you are young, you do not have children, and you can make the choice to be alone rather than mistreated...it is really up to you. A tough choice, yes, but much better for your mental well being in the long run.

... she makes a good point. Do you want children? How will you feel when DH is mocking and belittling them? When he is ignoring both them and you? I''m not saying that the situation is irreparable, but HE has to want to, and be willing to change. You can''t make someone else change. Start saving your money. You can always get seperated before considering divorce. It might be good to have some space to work on your issues individually.

 

[Porridge]

Well done Isabella!!

Now, most importantly...stick to your guns!! And if there is to be a change, it must be permanent. He cannot slip back into his old ways.

We are always here for support.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 12/1/2009 10:41:52 AM
Author: exoticisabella
Update: Thank you for all your help! It''s been a very long weekend and couple of days. I sat down with hubby and flat out told him (which I have done this several times, just never before said that I was leaving) that I''m tired of the way he is treating me. I deserve better. Of course he does the balling ''please don''t leave me again''.....hours later

........something clicks in my head that marriage councling will not work. Hid dad (FIL) was very verbally abusive to hubby and his mom wouldn''t stand up to him (FIL). I told him that this is a major issue that will effect all of his relationships and his quality of life. I also put down my foot and said that I want him to seek councling immediately (gave him one week to make an appointment) and that as long as he goes on a weekly basis I will do my best to help him. I''ve been through abuse hell and I know that he needs to work through this too. I am not, however, willing to sacrifice myself for his happiness. I told him that I will continue to prepare to move out by finding Tank a good home, looking for a good deal on a place, and getting my stuff together. If he continues to treat me badly, or does not stay with his appointments them I AM leaving. I told him that my deadline is February. That would give him 8 appointments which should yeild a significant difference (speaking from expierence here).

p.s. typing quickly before leaving for work so sorry if the spelling/grammer is off

good work!

now the hard stuff happens: you''ve drawn the line in the sand and must back it up with action should he not carry through or slip. if you tolerate even one slip, he will not take you seriously. if you do move out, make sure to file for a separation....it keeps you safe regarding finances.

this is such a clear post that i think you''ve been honest with yourself and with him.

re the february deadline: no one can make such life altering changes in such a short time. the most you can hope is that he will see that he needs to change and that you will some evidence of that.

mz

 

[diamondfan]

eight sessions if he is faithfully going and really trying should give you a sense of things heading in the right direction. I just caution you that there is typically no magic bullet and deep issues and personality traits tend not to change that much. It can happen, sure, but the person has to recognize the problematic behaviors and be willing to do serious work to change them. Not a typical outcome with someone who is acting the way he is acting but it could happen. Good for you for being firm and clear and putting your needs first.

 

[oddoneout]

I didn''t realize so many members dealt with abuse before. As for your situation I think you have a good plan laid out. Stick to it. By the way you mentioned your BF was verbally abused....I think he''s merely continuing the tradition from his father.

 

[AprilBaby]

Good job sweetie! Stick to your guns. You are WAY too young to be stuck in a bad situation!