feeling very down thanks to hubby (kinda long) would love advice.....

[exoticisabella]

So, I guess this is kind of a "if you were me" type of question. I've talked to everybody I know about this and finally find the right psychologist for me and I'm just so scared that my friends and family are so sick of listening to me complain about my marriage that they won't want to hear it again. LOOOONNNNGGG story short....

-hubby and I married at 19 (me) and 23 (him)
-my mom was emotionally abusive and I grew up way too fast
-his parents think he's the next best thing since sliced bread, treat him as so and have enough money to swim around in
-he plays his computer games all the time, ignores me, and would snap at me/put me down
-me in an effort to win him over did EVERYTHING for him and finally had a mental break down leading to panic attacks
-him - stood by me for a couple months then didn't want to deal with it and told me to "get over it"
-me - 8 months later "got over it" thanks to amazing family and friends
-had a huge fight and he shaped up - for a while - but he's slipping back
-I always thought (after marriage) that he's selfish, mean and would never be able to give me the love, respect and kindness that I deserve
-he thinks that marriage is "forever" no matter what
-pyschologist said to me on Wednesday, "I think you need to consider that your husband may be downright selfish. That this is not a matter of immaturity but a matter of personality. He may never grow up."
-which brings about another point. Six months ago I was in a car accident that destroyed my car. Hysterical and not knowing what to do I called my hubby crying and not being able to breath (from being too scared). What does he say - well after a few "calm downs" he askes "so do I need to pick you up?". NOT where are you I'll be right there. Or what hospital are you going to (if any).......

Anyway, so we get to tonight.....

He's playing wii and I was hanging out on the couch. He was being nice and talking with me a bit but then when I said something to him he snapped and mocked me! I asked what the issue was because I didn't do anything. Few minutes later he asked for my help on the game (since I've played it) then snaps and mocks me again! I tell him to knock it off and ask what's the issue? He says that because I was in a bad mood this morning (hello, pms, I try to keep to myself for a couple days) that he's walking on eggshells (which btw we went a whole 8 hours with no issues between this morning and now

). Couple minutes later he askes for my help again and AGAIN

mocks me for my answer...W

T

F

! So here I am hiding in the bathtub with my laptop afraid to call anybody as they hear this way too much and really having nowhere to go as my family lives 6 hours away. I would reallly love thoughts, advice, opionions ANYTHING. I have one foot in the door and one foot out the door and so scared to go either way

btw...married for 4 years, I'm now 23 he's almost 27 and one of the biggest things keeping me here right now is money. I did get a promotion and begin that in one week

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Sweetie, I''m so sorry you''re dealing with this. Sounds like he''s really being a jerk!

Have you thought about going to marriage counseling? Do you think that would be helpful? Has your psychologist suggested it, or have you mentioned it to him/her? If so, what does he/she think? Do you think your DH would be willing to go? It might be worth a try! Even if it doesn''t work, at least you''d know you tried.

((((HUGS)))) to you, and I hope things get better!

 

[exoticisabella]

Thanks! We''ve tried that - he thinks it''s worthless and he''s scared that the psychologist will think he''s a bad person. He made it to four appointments before he bailed. He is so good at putting on a face in front of other people - even the person we saw couldn''t break through that. If you met him on the street today you would think that he is such a loving, caring, honest, and wonderful person. Anything that he can do short term to please another and get the "you''re so great speech" he will. Problem is, I can''t live my life boosting his ego and he''s not willing to do anything to help my ego.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 11/28/2009 9:23:27 PM
Author: exoticisabella
Thanks! We''ve tried that - he thinks it''s worthless and he''s scared that the psychologist will think he''s a bad person. He made it to four appointments before he bailed. He is so good at putting on a face in front of other people - even the person we saw couldn''t break through that. If you met him on the street today you would think that he is such a loving, caring, honest, and wonderful person. Anything that he can do short term to please another and get the ''you''re so great speech'' he will. Problem is, I can''t live my life boosting his ego and he''s not willing to do anything to help my ego.

First, I am so sorry that you are having troubles in your marriage.

Second, I think the highlighted part is telling. He might not be a bad person in the general sense, but he''s being a bad person, and husband, to you. I will second Irish''s suggestion of trying counseling, long term, and seeing if that helps. Have to tried to talk to him in a more serious manner about how his actions have affected your marriage? Maybe he doesn''t realize that he''s hurting you.

If you are religious you can contact your church office and ask to speak with the pasor/rabbi for guidance.

 

[exoticisabella]

We have talked quite a bit. He knows that he hurts me. He knows what would hurt me, and yet he does it anyway and tries to skate around the issue. I have had a lot of long term counseling on my own, but as far as him, I can''t drag him to an appointment - that''s his choice to make. If this gives you another idea of his personality....he''s late to work everyday by 15 to 20 mintues but still clocks in as if he was on time. He says it''s no big deal because he brings in the most money for his department (government work) and "everybody" else takes too long of a lunch. He also calls in to work sick when he just doesn''t feel like going to work on that day and once again says it''s no big deal because he brings in a lot of money.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Life is too short to be unhappy. Only YOU know what the right decision is. Just make sure your marriage is about more than money. That is a terrible reason to stay.

 

[Kaleigh]

Bg Ditto to Tacori...

 

[lyra]

I think the foot on the way out the door is heading in the right direction. You should maybe get all your paperwork together, make some plans for *your* future, and start in that direction as soon as you are able. JMO of course. My daugther is almost your age. I would tell her the same thing. You''ve put a lot of work into this, and he is not changing. I have a concern that he is being emotionally abusive, and is not going to grow out of it or any such thing.

 

[kama_s]

You are unhappy and resentful. The best thing you can do for yourself is LEAVE. You're so young, you have so much to look forward to - is this how you see the next 50+ years to be for yourself?

If you're at a point where you know that he is double-faced, then really, no amount of him changing will ever make you love him 100% again.

So sorry you're going through this. Sometimes it's not about what's 'wrong' with the relationship but more about what's 'right' in the relationship. Doesn't sound like there's much 'right' in this. *hug*

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Isabella, I have to say, it seems like you have truly been trying to save this marriage and he has not. Of course, I can only go by what you've told us here, and I'm sure there's much more that you haven't mentioned. But, from what you have said, it sounds to me like he's more than just selfish . . . I think his actions toward you are bordering on emotional/verbal abuse. Only you know if that's a correct assessment or not, and I don't mean to be overly harsh. But from what you've said, he sounds pretty horrible. I used to be married to someone who did many of the same things that your DH is doing now (and then some), and that was most definitely an abusive relationship, which is why I left him. Again, I can only judge based on what you've said, and I might be way off base here, but it just sounds very wrong to me. And you sound so unhappy.

Like Tacori said, life is too short to be unhappy. Please keep us posted on how things are going for you! ((((HUGS))))

ETA: Lyra, you and I were simul-posting. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks this smells like emotional abuse!

 

[diamondfan]

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. But I also want to say that people do not make huge personality changes and it seems that there is a distinct disconnect between how he treats you and what is reasonable. People come to marriage with issues from their families of orign...and yours is that you are a pleaser and a giver and he seems to be a taker. That seldom works out well. I do not want to ever tell someone what to do in their life or marriage, but I would get counseling now. It may or may not help. but at least you will know you tried. But I do hate to tell you he sounds emotionally abusive and narcissistic and that is not boding well for a long term happy marriage. People who act this way rarely change enough to make it workable.

 

[diamondfan]

also wanted to add that before you have kids and invest many more years in this marriage, give it a try in counseling but also be prepared to make some tough decisions...you have one life and should NOT be afraid and hiding in the bathroom ever! Emotional abuse and lack of emotional support does not a great marriage make and it only gets worse and harder to leave as years go by. This type of treatment erodes you over time and creates resentments and hostilities. Plus it is telling that h is worried about the therapist thinking he is a bad person, but does he care what YOU think?, his own wife? You do not describe a guy who is good for you, or frankly, anyone. Ignored? Belittled? He is phony and convinces others he is something he is not? I would not want to live my life that way...you are young, you do not have children, and you can make the choice to be alone rather than mistreated...it is really up to you. A tough choice, yes, but much better for your mental well being in the long run.

 

[neatfreak]

Hon please let that second foot follow the first out the door. He is not worth your time if he makes you feel so bad about yourself.

You are in the BATHTUB? And you can't call your friends or family because they are sick of hearing about this?

RED FLAGS!!!!! Can't you see how wrong that is to be so afraid of him that you need to use the computer in the bathtub???

Money is not a reason to stay-and if your friends and family don't want to listen then I assume they don't want you to stay and I bet that they would help you get on your feet if you decided to leave him.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think your asking us if you should leave your husband...and that isn''t advice a bunch of strangers can give you. If this post were about a bad boyfriend, maybe...but marriage is different. We don''t know the ins and outs of your situation, and any advice we could give you of that magnitude based off of one example would be short sighted.

With that said, I think you really need to take some time to evaluate your life, your goals, your dreams and aspirations. People change, and in turn their relationships either grow or deflate. It sounds to me like you''re at that breaking point of "do or die" with your husband. You married very young by todays standards. I think it can be said that you didn''t know who you were and what your standards were when you entered into this marriage based off the personal growth you''ve experienced in past few months. Sometimes couples grow together...but sometimes they outgrow each other, too.

If I were you, I would seek COUPLES therapy. It''s good to go alone, to get in touch with who you are as an individual...but if you''re growing alone during the process and he''s stunted but you want this marriage to work, then you''re going to need to change your plan of attack. You''re going to have to get real serious about helping him understand what you need from this relationship if it''s going to last forever. This starts with talking to HIM. Tell him how you''re feeling...that you''re da*n sick and tired of this ongoing verbal abuse and he''s either going to be your partner or he''s going to be gone. You don''t have to flower it, or even fix it yourself...but let him know what you need and how you plan on getting it...then let him make the decision on how important this marriage is to him.

(((huge hugs))) this plan sucks. Sorry.

 

[purrfectpear]

First, I''m glad you''re seeing a therapist.

Second, you need to listen to them.

Third, you already KNOW who this guy is, you described him pretty well.

Fourth, money is not worth hanging around for.

Stop hoping for a miracle and do what needs to be done before you accidentally end up pregnant and in a big mess. Hugs dear. It gets better.

 

[exoticisabella]

Date: 11/28/2009 10:35:52 PM
Author: diamondfan
I am sorry that you are dealing with this. But I also want to say that people do not make huge personality changes and it seems that there is a distinct disconnect between how he treats you and what is reasonable. People come to marriage with issues from their families of orign...and yours is that you are a pleaser and a giver and he seems to be a taker. That seldom works out well. I do not want to ever tell someone what to do in their life or marriage, but I would get counseling now. It may or may not help. but at least you will know you tried. But I do hate to tell you he sounds emotionally abusive and narcissistic and that is not boding well for a long term happy marriage. People who act this way rarely change enough to make it workable.

Wow! Talk about hitting it head on. Made me laugh knowing that it's plain as day to the outside world. Hiding in the bathtub is my version of emotional hiding. Started when I was young as it was the only room with a lock and so my mom couldn't pester me. Now it's just my go to when I'm upset

. I plan on calling a local Rottweiler rescue and Simply Cats (a no kill cat shelter) on Monday to speak with them. I could never give up my Milo (in the photo to the left) and he's easy to take with as he's only six pounds. I refuse to take Tank to the local shelter as he is too good of a dog to let fall into the wrong hands. Rottie's are amazing family dogs and that is what he deserves - a family who understands the breed and will take good care of him. I also adopted my cats from Simply Cats so I know they'll take them in, it just might take a month or two before they have the room. I've also been putting a lot of this off because I know that our house will go into foreclosure (or short sale) and I don't know what happens with this. We owe $30k more on it then the current market value and there's not enough wiggle room in our budget to allow for an apartment/room for me and to keep the house. Bummer

If anybody has foreclosure expierence I would love to hear about that process too

eta: I won't end up pregnant - he's snipped and it's been months anyway

 

[cellososweet]

this is such a terribly intrusive question, but why would a 27 year old man be snipped?! You can say "medical reasons." But really, if it''s for any other reason than that, I''d say that would be another red flag.

I''ve dealt with a lot of immaturity in my marriage and I can honestly say now that I married too young. It''s been a really big struggle and only now are we getting to a point where we are understanding the changes we''ve gone through as people over the years and are making it work for real. It''s been really hard.

I would advise you to have a serious conversation with yourself becore you have a serious conversation with him. Tell yourself exactly what it is that you need from him and what you need in life. Be realistic and be honest. Tell him exactly what these things are. Ask him exactly what he needs from you and if he mocks you or tries to belittle you, then leave. Go to your parents house, a friends house, wherever you need to go. Someone that won''t charge you rent because money should not be a reason to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship.

I feel for you. I really do.

 

[exoticisabella]

Neither of us wanted kids and he insisted on having it done. I don''t really have a place where I live now that I would feel comfortable going to as I mosty made friends with his cousins and family and all my other friends are still in my hometown (including my dad) which is 6hrs away. I know exactly what I want and have a pretty good idea of how to get there but I''m being a chicken about it. It''s always harder to take a leap into the unknown but I''ve found that usually, it''s worth it.

Per Aspera ad Astra

.....thought I had made it to the stars but I''m still floating in space for a while....

 

[cellososweet]

I see. I''m not even going to touch that one, as it''s not really appropriate. I really shouldn''t have asked anyways. Where''s the "embarassed" icon. I really stuck my foot in your business when you didn''t ask.

I feel that you are making excuses for why you can''t have the life you want and deserve. Please don''t stand in your own way. That''s worse than him standing in your way. ((hug))

 

[swingirl]

Leave him and start fresh. You are too young to be saddled with a husband that is mean and makes you miserable. He won''t change. Maybe you two just aren''t compatible. Since there aren''t any children you have no reason to stay. There isn''t anything left with the house. Sounds like your sex life is suffering, too.

By the way, I think mocking is one of the most rude behaviors there is.

 

[Po10472]

Is this what you want for your life? To be so unhappy with someone that you have to ''hide'' in the bathroom? Someone who is right for you and who loves and cares for you doesn''t make you cry. It''s better to be alone for the right reasons than be with someone for the wrong ones. And although it''s terrifying the thought of making that first step, the second, third and fourth get easier and once you look back on the journey you''ve made you''ll realise that it''s been worthwhile.

We can only give you our thoughts and opinions from our own experience but talk to any women or man on here who have been in unhappy relationships where their partner has been emotionally, mentally or physically abusive will tell you that they had to make the decision for themselves. If you do decide to go, then you need to get your ''house'' in order. That is ensure that you have money, a place to go and that you take all your belongings with you. You have to do this on your own so you need to be strong. Yes there will be joint issues you need to deal with but you need ensure you''re not railroaded into anything by him and his family.

If on the other hand you love your husband so much you can''t live life without him, then you need to work together on what you both want and again you need to be strong and stick to your boundaries. Give it a timescale and if by that given date there''s been no improvements or the situation has worsened then you need to decide what the next steps are.

Maybe the first question I should have asked was, does your husband actually realise how unhappy you are and that you''re thinking of leaving him?

 

[sba771]

I am about your age. I was with someone from 18-21ish. He sounds exactly like your husband. It took me several therapists, but I finally was able to get a fresh start and am now with someone wonderful. I know what the fear of money feels like, my mom stayed in a bad marriage for 28 years because of that, but you said you have a good job and a promotion which is great! Life is too short and you are SO young, you can start fresh with a clean slate. Unfortunately I have learned we can''t change people, but we can change what we do to get somewhere or something better. Life is too short and you deserve and are allowed to be happy. Hugs!

 

[diamondfan]

Wow...please please be strong right now, okay? YES, change is hard. YES, it is scary to leave and face the unknown. BUT...think about the next 50 years spent like this, spent feeling like this...is that how you envision your future? I understand not wanting kids but to do something that drastic at such a young age is quite interesting to me. Also, you might find you do want kids someday, given the right man and situation...of course you might not and that is fine too...but also, to go months without sexual imtimacy...well, that makes me sad...what about cuddling and affection and friendship and touching and feeling emotionally safe and free to be you? I would imagine you want that in your life...he sounds like an emotional bully who is used to getting his way and is treated like god's gift by his family...he clearly needs to learn how to treat his significant other...be it you or anyone else..he sounds selfish and entitled and obnoxious to me, based on what you say, and I could not imagine coming home to THAT every day for the rest of my life.

Listen to me...try the counseling together. Insist he go too. Give it a time frame. But know that it is not a magic pill, both people must be fully invested and willing to make it work or it is a waste of time...and know that you are young and that logistics may seem daunting now but if you DO want to go, you will manage...people with kids and no money leave and make it work, even though it is rough in the beginning...I do get it is hard to deal with leaving and money is a safety thing it but that is NOTa reason to stay...ask yourself if you are in love, do you love him, do you seem forever with him? If not, and you are emotionally afraid and unhappy, why stay?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

You don''t think his parents will bail you out? Is the loan on the house in both of your names or just one? Remember the worst decisions are the ones made in fear. If you don''t know what to do the best thing to do is wait. The sign always comes.

 

[ksinger]

There is nothing worse than being unhappy and emotionally shot in a bad marriage. From where I stand now, in your situation I would run. Run like the wind. And I did, from my first marriage. Best thing I ever did. Painful and scary at the time though, I won''t lie. But I decided that I could be just as lonely and ignored as I was in my first marriage, and have no expectation that someone should act a certain way (like he actually CARED or somesuch), by myself, all without having to wash his socks. It was an easy choice from that standpoint.
But now I''m now married to the perfect man for me. No stress. No unkind words or mocking. Just accord. And mutual respect. But it does take the efforts of two to have that.
FYI - I dumped the man I''m married to now, twice in 27 years, until he was "done". The point being, that maybe your husband''s not "done" yet. He and I would have been a bust much earlier than we finally figured it out. Life is just weird sometimes. You just never know what''s around the next bend.

As others have said, don''t stand in the way of your own happiness....maybe not happiness even, call it your serenity. Make SOME move. Either commit, knowing now, like you never understood before, (do any of us girls really understand that?) that you cannot change him, and be OK with going forward like that, or choose to go into the unknown. Fence-sitting limbo is really REALLY uncomfortable, and you''ll find you can only do it so long.

Best of luck to you and I wish you peace with your choice.

 

[vespergirl]

Short answer - he sounds like my ex-husband - counseling was also useless for us because he fleeced the therapist. I was 100% happier starting the day that we divorced when I was 25 and he was 29 (we married at 23 and 27). The divorce left me free to meet my wonderful current husband. Get out now, while you''re still young and childless.

 

[diamondfan]

Often times we know the answers in our heart and we have trouble taking the necessary steps. A man like your husband sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. As long as you stay the cycle continues. He is very unlikely to have some great epiphany about his ways and actions and that means living a life like you are living now, with the likelihood of it only getting worse and more intense, or you can stop living with someone who is unlikely to change and do what you need to do for your self. Being alone and growing up emotionally is better than being lonely and feeling afraid in your marriage. I have seen this many times and soon decades can pass and you are even more entrenched and it is even harder to leave. Money is not a reason to stay. People do not tend to make huge changes in how they act and treat you, especially when they do not think they are doing anything inappropriate or hurtful. Some people are just wired a certain way, they are missing a sensitivity chip among other things and staying with them means accepting a certain way of living. You are too young and have too many options to do that now...please just think about all of your options and do not let his inaction or refusal to accept responsibility for his actions govern your future. That way, if he changes and stays that way consistently and you are in love still, you can stay, and if not, if he only makes minor changes to keep you there but keeps reverting back, you are in control of your destiny and have the power to decide what you want.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 11/29/2009 2:09:34 AM
Author: exoticisabella
Neither of us wanted kids and he insisted on having it done. I don''t really have a place where I live now that I would feel comfortable going to as I mosty made friends with his cousins and family and all my other friends are still in my hometown (including my dad) which is 6hrs away. I know exactly what I want and have a pretty good idea of how to get there but I''m being a chicken about it. It''s always harder to take a leap into the unknown but I''ve found that usually, it''s worth it.

Per Aspera ad Astra

.....thought I had made it to the stars but I''m still floating in space for a while....

says it all.

1-yes, marriage is work but it takes two.
2-you can''t change him: before you try and change someone else, remember how hard it is to change yourself.
3-most people don''t make changes unless they''re hurting.
4-its not your job to change him...either accept him as he is or move on.
5-yes, marriage is work but NOT THIS MUCH WORK.
6-this is another instance of emotional abuse. he''s damaging to you. actually, you''re allowing him to damage you.
7-being a chicken is staying in a situation/relationship you don''t want to be in....perhaps you''re not hurting enough yet.....see #3 above.
8-its not the unknown you''d be leaping into......it would be the future you''re creating for yourself.

i was married to a man that could put on the fact/act so that everyone thought he was great....even the police. it wasn''t until they put the tap on my phone and traced the harrassing and threatening calls that they actually believed he was capable of being something other than mr nice guy.

you are young. you have a future. you know that. you know what needs to be done. do it. he already knows what he needs to do to have you in your life. he''s demonstrated he''s not willing to do it. you don''t need to be hit on the head with a frying pan for it to be any clearer.

yes, its hard......but so worth it....!!!!!!

mz

 

[mochi]

It sounds like deep in your heart you know what you have to do, but your brain just doesn''t realize it.

((((((HUGS))))) to you hun, you deserve better.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

Your husband is a typical bully, and there are 2 ways of dealing with them.

1. Stand up to them. Fling their abuse right back at them. They''ll go whimpering back into their corners in a hurry.
Unless you enjoy telling them off, this can wear you out if you have to constantly do it.
2. Don''t stand up to them. Keep letting them heap abuse on you.
This will destroy every vestige of your self-esteem.

If he doesn''t agree to counseling or therapy, you will need to think about what''s best for your own self-preservation, health and well-being.