Feeling sad.... may end up off the list.

[FrekeChild]

DF, just something I noticed, but even though this relationship has been going on for 4 years, you''re bringing up your ex A LOT in this thread. Is there some possibility that you aren''t entirely over that relationship? It sounds like you were severely mistreated in it, and I''m wondering if you''d benefit from some counseling on your own.

I also agree with a lot of things said by others in this thread, and I am afraid your gut is speaking through your thread title. It sounds to me like there are too many differences to work through, and right now you''re making yourselves and each other pretty miserable.

Good luck with your talk.

 

[dragonfly411]

Freke - good point. I am over the person... I''m not over the damage done. I know I''m not. But I don''t have any way to cover counseling. I seem to have managed to slooooowly regroup myself. I was very mentally not ok after that relationship, and it has done a lot of damage, and really again, I don''t know how SO has been as tolerant as he has with me. When he first met me I was afraid of commitment, afraid of any affection/sexual attention (I related it to the beginnings of destroying factors in the first relationship b/c in the end that is all the ex cared about with me), afraid to not see SO for extended periods, etc etc. I''ll readily admit that I still have issues from it, and I do wish I could seek something to help me completely let go. I am finally to the point where I don''t think about it regularly, don''t have nightmares, don''t watch my back everywhere I go (always afraid Ex would try tracking me down, he was very controlling and for a long time kept trying to contact me), and am ok on my own when SO goes somewhere, or when I go away for a weekend. But I also realize that part of it is b/c of a mental door I''ve shut. I have blank spots in my memory where my mind has voluntarily erased anything that was a memory that my ex was in... including familial memories, friend memories, highschool memories, etc. In so doing, I remember less of the scarring things and am able to let go of them and breathe easy and not think about what happened to me.

 

[bee*]

Date: 10/21/2009 2:53:40 PM
Author: junebug17

Date: 10/21/2009 1:08:05 PM

Author: dragonfly411

He and I are going to sit down and talk tonight, about everything. When I do have issues and we talk he normally tries to amend them, which is good, and the same vice versa. He doesn''t go haywire if I read, but more asks ''well why weren''t you outside walking, or playing with the dogs instead''. The guilt thing over going places does have to stop. I have to be able to work out and see my friends too. The whole me lying thing is very uncharacteristic. When I say we are jealous we normally are in the sense that we always ask who is going where with whom, and we don''t like sharing each other with others. But accusations are not normal, and never have been.


I will say that it is very rare for us to argue. Yes there are things about me he disapproves but he never has said don''t do this or don''t do that, he''ll just ask why I''d rather do something than something else, or why do I want to do something when I could be with him. Just to clarify on his personality/tributes.



In most senses he is amazing to me, always treats me, opens doors, takes me out, he''ll go see a movie FOR ME now and again, and does go places and do things I want to do just for me now and then. He just got me roses a week and a half ago. I just am so confused. I love him very very much, and I want us to work, b/c he is the kind, tender, caring person normally. He took time with me, and helped me to come out of my shell and basically fixed me from all the things my ex ripped apart.... and he didn''t have to be so patient. He didn''t have to wait for me to open up and be comfortable... which is also part of what confuses me.



Sorry for the novel.

Maybe because you didn''t feel like walking? Maybe because you didn''t feel like playing with the dogs? Maybe because you felt like reading? I feel like he''s telling you what to do, even if he isn''t going haywire. And what things does he disapprove of? Again, I feel like he is subtly trying to control your life by saying things like this. Doesn''t this get on your nerves? You have a right to make your own choices, you are an adult.


I am so sorry, but every time I read one of your posts, more red flags pop up. As lilac said, we are only getting a snippet of your relationship, and only you can decide what you can live with. I wish you the best of luck with your talk.

I agree with junebug. Also from reading your past post, you said that your ex was quite controlling. It seems like your current bf is being quite controlling also so maybe it is something that you might need to work through. I understand that you love him, but he should not be making comments about what you do in your spare time and don''t make excuses like you don''t tidy up after yourself and there''s other things that you could be doing instead of being on FB. Relationships are there to be worked on but fundamentally it shouldn''t be this hard! You should be able to enjoy each others company but also enjoy time away from each other without having comments made. Best of luck in your chat tonight.

 

[dragonfly411]

bee - wasn''t trying to make excuses, just don''t like to come off as the only person with faults

Thanks for the luck.

 

[FrekeChild]

DF, I think that you really need to examine things. Right now you''re coming off as being very defensive in regards to him, your relationship and your own choices. That is NATURAL, so don''t worry about it in particular. However, I would sit down right now and think about WHY you''re being defensive. What is there to be defensive about? And what good is being defensive doing for you?

I don''t want answers, I want you to think about these questions.

 

[bee*]

Date: 10/21/2009 4:45:02 PM
Author: dragonfly411
bee - wasn''t trying to make excuses, just don''t like to come off as the only person with faults

Thanks for the luck.

No prob! Everyone has faults and provided that they''re not huge ones, I think that usually you''ll learn to live with them when you love someone. I just feel that from reading your previous posts that you think it was your bf that built you up again after your ex-he might have helped you but ultimately it was you that has learnt to trust again, have a relationship again etc-it''s you that''s strong. If needs be you will be able to do that again. Hugs.

 

[dragonfly411]

Thank you to both of you as well, I''ll keep both posts in mind tonight. I''m trying to keep myself a bit positive, at least until I can get home and get through this. I definitely plan to cover all the issues I''m seeing, and I want him to do the same. He tends to be the recover in silence type, but it doesn''t work that way with me. I need him to tell me his thoughts.

 

[appletini]

dragonfly,

I don''t post very often anymore but just wanted to give you some thoughts. I noticed your age is 23, and I really think that 22-25 are what I call the personal growth years. Its a time after college when you are really on your own and deciding what kind of person you want to be and what to do with your life. I had a serious boyfriend all through college and about a year after and in the end I broke it off because we had grown in different directions. I had no doubt that he wanted to marry me, but I wasn''t the same "me" anymore and I just couldn''t see a future with him. Six months later I met my husband. Don''t sell yourself short because you''ve invested so much time in the relationship. Do what''s best for you. Your life partner should trust you, and respect your decisions and intersts, and encourage you to maintain your friendships.

 

[radiantquest]

Ok, I feel terrible about this whole situation. It is not fair to you. If it were me I would give him a time frame, say 2 months to get his self together and if nothing has changed that you have to be resigned to leave. You deserve better. You can''t have an empty threat. You have to be willing to leave. I understand that you don''t want to be in financial hardship, but I think that you should try and see what is going on. I would rather be broke than have someone emotionally abuse me with these games that he is playing. In fact, it really isnt a threat and shouldnt be presented that way. I think that you should have a serious conversation about it and say that it really hurts you when he acts/does these things and tell him that you cannot continue and that he has 2 months, 6 months, whatever you deem fair to turn it around. Do say it mean just matter of fact like. If he doesn''t change that means he doesn''t care to and you have your answer. BTW has he been checked by a psychologist because he sounds like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde with his changing moods and behavior.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I am sorry to hear you''re going through this tough time with your relationship.

Personally, I think you have more insight on why it isn''t working that you''re willing to admit...case in point, the fact that neither of you have moved on from the damage of past relationships.

First of all, being cheated on it an awful, awful thing. It''s one of the worst crimes you can commit against another person because it really does attack them on all fronts. The effects of this can be long lasting and certainly effect how you see yourself and how you see other relationships. However, with that said, you cannot willingly punish another person for the faults of another. This is exactly what you two are doing to each other. You both have obvious trust issues, you both are teetering the fine line between being really bad for each other. The jealousy, the anger, the distrust...these don''t make for a healthy, productive relationship AT ALL. And yet, these are part of your relationship''s tapestry. You relate to each other with negativity, having both been scorned as opposed to coming together for positive qualities. From your own description of your relationship, you''re very different people--you enjoy reading--he belittles this interest...you enjoy dressing a certain way--he attacks that...

I really, really believe that you need to seek counseling, either together or alone to work out the underlying issues here. Moving forward without sorting out the past doesn''t seem to be an option for you two. That doesn''t meant that the relationship is over, or that it won''t work...lots of couples need to seek professional help before taking their relationship to the next level. But, seriously, relationships take work to make it work--and it could just be a matter of putting in the hours and manpower to get back to a good place.

I wish you lots of luck.

 

[Mara]

typically, i don't read this forum so i don't know how i ended up in here but dragonfly i am sorry to hear about your troubles.

the main thing issue i took from your post was that he 'disapproves' of you doing things that make you happy. that would be a huge deal breaker for me. if you are talking about spending the rest of your life with someone, they should be HAPPY when you do things that make YOU happy. and vice versa. if he only wants you to do things that HE approves or or WITH him only, that is only one small sliver of what your life can be like...a mere shadow.

you are definitely young, and i agree re: these being personal development years. i did so much changing in my early 20's and even my mid-to-late that i wasn't the same person that i started out as. it could be also that HIS personality is developing more strongly as well and you two are going in opposite directions. it can be hard to recorrect that, but definitly think about if you even want to. yes you have time invested but that shouldn't dictate how your future goes. i spend 3 years with someone in my early 20's and i would not go back and change that time to make it with someone else because it helped make me who i was, but i am glad i didn't spend MORE than that.

lastly, i know you said you both have trust issues because of previous relationships but i will also say that over time i think you realize that just because something bad happened to you doesn't mean it will happen with the next person. and if you are with the right person, a lot of times things like don't even come into play. my ex was a jealous person and i absolutely HATED that he put his baggage on me. i loved that my now-husband was not like that at all...total opposite. i was cheated on when i was younger, but didn't let it color me or my view on love and i think when you marry someone you better have implicit trust in them or else lots of 'things' can really get your imagination working. if you guys are talking marriage, you both should have more trust in the other.

anyway, best of luck. now might be a good opportunity to really think about what you want for YOUR life in the future and what type of person you want to spend it with. i would never last with someone who was upset i didn't answer his every call or entertained myself was reading because HE thought it was a worthless exercise. and remember that whenever one door closes another one opens...i am a total firm believer. and that every relationship, esp when younger helps you narrow in more on what you really want (or don't want) for the future.

 

[MermaidKelly]

I''m sorry you are going through these problems

Good luck with whatever happens! ((hugs))

 

[AustenNut]

I think the other commenters have pretty well covered the issues involved in your posts. I hope that your talk goes well and that you have the opportunity to think and reflect on what it is you want and whether or not that is possible within your current relationship.

 

[supergirl10]

Dragonfly i am sorry to hear that things are rough. Hugs and I hope things get better for you.

I just want to agree with what most people have said and think long and hard about your relationship and whether it is the right thing for the pair of you.

I just wanted to bring up another point. Have you considered that he may be cheating on you. I say that because he seems terribly suspicious of you (for no good reason) and sometimes that is because he may indeed be the one that is cheating and know how he behaves different etc.

 

[ckrickett]

I''m so sorry! /hug

 

[dragonfly411]

Thank you all for your support and advice! I do agree with a lot of what you have to say. SO and I had a very very long talk last night about everything that''s been going on, how he''s been feeling, how I''ve been feeling. He did feel insecure about a lot of things, and expressed that. I explained to him that whether I have guy friends or not, I have the person I want to be with, so long as he is willing to work in this relationship with me. I explained that life isn''t always going to be honey coated and we do have to work, just like every other couple. I personally believe that love can be enough if two people can work at relationship, no two people will ever be the same, and I don''t expect us to be the same, but I told him I expect him to support me. He agreed, and said he was going to work to do so for me, and he was excited about me doing 5k runs and he''s going to work hard not to pressure me about reading. I was right in assuming that he felt like I would be missing out on things that I''d look back and say "why wasn''t I out doing that" and I explained to him that reading has always been a part of my lifestyle, and it is something I love and will always do. We also covered the me going out with my friends and that one took me for a loop. See I''ve become friends with a group of girls he went to school with, and apparently in school and before I met them they were a more rambunctious group, they partied a lot, drank a lot, and he''d known them to not be the most faithful group of girls both in friendships and relationships. He told me he has been worried that they wouldn''t be good friends to me, or might have a bad influence on me.

I again explained that I am my own person, and am happy with him. I emphasized that he''s never seen me go out and party, or be that type of girl. When I go out with them, it is for dinner, or over to watch a movie, or we go shopping. He HAD been trying to get me to spend more time with a girl we met through a mutual friend, who I am spending more time with and who he thought was a much more easygoing and fun person, and I agree. He apparently wants to know we are hanging out with more grown up friends.... which lead me to new friend (the jerk face although I don''t say that to him). I explained to him that he seemed different since this person came around (I said it in a nice way), that he seemed more defensive, and he was ALWAYS with this person, and I was hurt that he continued to be around this person even though they don''t like me, and have expressed it. I told him how just last week the person was giving me jealous mean looks when they were getting ready to leave and I came out to ask if they could pick up some cough drops (SO did... at 11 at night... those are the little things that let me know he really does care...he''ll do anything for me really). He said he''d noticed it more, and that that person has become really possessive as a friend and he hasn''t been feeling comfortable about it but doesn''t want to be mean either. I told him he should simply not answer as much, explain to person that he is busy, and that he should really spend time with some of his other friends (whom we both get along with, and whom we always have tons of fun with). He agreed, and showed me where this person texted him 15 times yesterday in a 3 hour period

. He''s like "I wonder if he''s secretly gay?" I said I didn''t know but he seemed really strange to me. So we at least covered that. I did tell him that he HAS to learn to trust me, and I needed to do the same. I''m going to speak this week to my guidance councilor at school to see what she would recommend for two not so rich kids when it comes to our past issues. I''m hoping she can recommend me to someone there, or someone in town who might be helpful.

We both agreed it''s going to take some time and some work. We are by no means 100% a ok, but we''re both dedicated to one another, and want to work on everything together. He definitely wants to be with me. He was surprised at my feeling like he was being a bit overbearing/controlling, and said he never wanted to seem like that, because he does love me for me, he just wants to make sure I don''t do anything I''d regret later either. So we are taking things one step at a time right now. We talked about sitting down with both sets of grandparents together as well to ask them how they''ve worked through issues over the years, and what they think in regards to some of our problems as they are both going on 50 years happy together, and both are very similar in lifestyle attributes to us (stubborn, outdoorsy men, baking, cooking reading women, campers, fishers etc). So that should be interesting too.

All in all it ended positively, but with the thought process that we have some work to do, we have some things to figure out, and we need to work BIG TIME on the trust issues, which we both know are problems. He asked me to point out when I feel he is being overbearing, so I plan to do so 100%, and we''re going to try to plan nights where we both find things to do with friends, so neither is left at home. So we''ll see form here.....


Again, sorry for the novel... maybe it''s b/c I read too much

 

[absolut_blonde]

I'm glad you talked. One thing stuck out to me, though:

"He was surprised at my feeling like he was being a bit overbearing/controlling, and said he never wanted to seem like that, because he does love me for me, he just wants to make sure I don't do anything I'd regret later either."

What, like reading? I don't really understand this as a justification for the behaviour you have described. It isn't as though you're teetering on the brink and experimenting with drugs or something. And this doesn't really explain him not liking you to go out of the house and see your friends & family and other benign things, etc. This still screams of a lack of trust to me.

I wish you the best though.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I have to agree with Absolute Blond here....

I think that this is a band aid over the bigger issue. And to say that you''re totally happy isn''t being totally honest...given the tone of your postings, you''re not happy--you''re feeling bullied and confused by your boyfriend.

I really do wish you the best...and I hope that this conversation will help sort things out with the two of you.

 

[janinegirly]

I''m with Absolut and Italian. There are fundamental issues here which are being looked over in order to feel better in the short term. Basically if something simple takes a lot of work, it''s not a good sign.

Sorry, but I do hope things work out for you and glad to hear you talked, etc.--and of course ultimately it''s you alone who knows what''s really going on and what feels right for the long term.

 

[dragonfly411]

in response - yes like reading. From what he said, he was afraid I''d look back and think "why was I inside this whole time, why wasn''t I out doing things, why didn''t I go experience the outdoors, jogging, taking pictures, going to the gardens, going to our local butterfly garden etc." I have to emphasize that he was raised in a very active, outdoors environment. For him, fun = camping, fishing, working on autos, riding four wheelers, jogging, riding bikes (he used to race them), going hiking, watching wildlife. He loves for us to go to St. Auggie and just walk around and view old town. He loves seeing old historical monuments, anything old. But he likes to be really ACTIVE. He can''t sit. He can barely sit through movies, and they have to be comedy.... or he''ll fall asleep. He''s a fidgety, energetic, can''t sit still human being and his entire family is mostly the same way (although again, his grandmother is VERY similar to me... some day I''ll have to share some of the uncanny similarities between her and the women in my family). Again he was more than surprised that I felt it was almost controlling and emphasized he does not want to seem that way, which is why he''s going to have me point it out, so he can try to work on not doing so. And again, I''m not totally happy, we both agreed, it''s going to take work, and time, and effort on both of our parts to correct these issues. If there is one thing that is true about me.... I don''t sugar coat things, especially to people I''m close to. I tell it to them straight. I told him that I had had to face thoughts over the past few days of what if''s and what would I do because I did feel like we were in a bad place. And again, I know I have my faults which have contributed to him being upset at times too, I won''t make myself out to be the angelic little princess. And I like to duke it out when there''s a problem, he doesn''t, and me making him just makes it worse, but at the same time he has worked so so hard on being able to sit down and talk things out without arguing or yelling (thank goodness for both of us b/c I come from a really pig headed family... genetics....

So... again... we''ll see. Time shall tell how things will work. If he does make an effort, and changes things, and I make the effort to not push too far, and to work on my issues from the past, then I hope we can make this work.

 

[Squirrly]

first: hugs!
glad you two talked and it seems that you''re both on the same page with what''s going on and where to go from here, hope it works out for you

 

[TooPatient]

Glad you were able to talk. Sounds like it went pretty well.

As long as both of you are truely willing to work on your relationship, then it is worth a try.


John Gottman has written some great books on the subject. Look at the Gottman Institute website. They''ve got books, dvds, cards, and more. The books are inexpensive (about $10 in many cases).
For people with the time & money, they do couples weekends that sound wonderful.
(for the rest of us, the books/dvds are still interesting and helpful)

 

[princesss]

Date: 10/22/2009 10:37:01 AM
Author: janinegirly
I''m with Absolut and Italian. There are fundamental issues here which are being looked over in order to feel better in the short term. Basically if something simple takes a lot of work, it''s not a good sign.

Sorry, but I do hope things work out for you and glad to hear you talked, etc.--and of course ultimately it''s you alone who knows what''s really going on and what feels right for the long term.

Yup. Unfortunately love isn''t enough in most cases.

If something that is going to be a fundamental part of your life (your relationship and eventual marriage) consistantly takes effort to work properly, and can easily fall into near-abusive cycles where there is no communication and which results in a lack of trust so great that you think the relationship is going to end, can you imagine how exhausted you will be when you add work/kids/school/whatever into the mix? I go to my BF to unwind, not to work - he is the calm center in my life when everything else is chaos, and I gain strength from him.

Before this relationship, I thought that working on a relationship was a sign of being adult - you don''t just cut and run when things get tough, you work it out. But there is a difference in being in a good relationship facing a tough issue you have to work through, and being in a relationship that just takes work in order to survive. If you''ve got the former with this guy, great. But if it takes work just to survive, it may be better to part ways.

Just something to think about...

 

[nkarma]

Sorry you are going through this and I hope whatever happens, it all works for the best. And I hope you always have a man that treats you right.

 

[dragonfly411]

nkarma - ummmm my SO doesn''t smoke..... at all......

 

[nkarma]

I am sorry I got it confused with someone else''s post.

 

[dragonfly411]

no worries

 

[janinegirly]

nkarma''s post did seem a bit random...haha

dragonfly: i guess it''s not really about how he likes outdoors and being active or whatever the explanation is...it comes down to respect for the other persons'' style, individuality and each person''sr need for space/boundaries. All couples have some differences in interests and personalities to some degree, but the question is are they supportive and respectful of each others differences (and are they mature enough to handle it without acting out).

You''re right, time will tell. Keep us posted...

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 10/22/2009 11:03:00 AM
Author: dragonfly411
But he likes to be really ACTIVE. He can''t sit. He can barely sit through movies, and they have to be comedy.... or he''ll fall asleep. He''s a fidgety, energetic, can''t sit still human being and his entire family is mostly the same way

Sounds like a combination of someone who is not a strong reader AND is ADHD.

Good luck sweetie.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 10/22/2009 11:51:56 AM
Author: princesss

Date: 10/22/2009 10:37:01 AM
Author: janinegirly
I''m with Absolut and Italian. There are fundamental issues here which are being looked over in order to feel better in the short term. Basically if something simple takes a lot of work, it''s not a good sign.

Sorry, but I do hope things work out for you and glad to hear you talked, etc.--and of course ultimately it''s you alone who knows what''s really going on and what feels right for the long term.

Yup. Unfortunately love isn''t enough in most cases.

If something that is going to be a fundamental part of your life (your relationship and eventual marriage) consistantly takes effort to work properly, and can easily fall into near-abusive cycles where there is no communication and which results in a lack of trust so great that you think the relationship is going to end, can you imagine how exhausted you will be when you add work/kids/school/whatever into the mix? I go to my BF to unwind, not to work - he is the calm center in my life when everything else is chaos, and I gain strength from him.

Before this relationship, I thought that working on a relationship was a sign of being adult - you don''t just cut and run when things get tough, you work it out. But there is a difference in being in a good relationship facing a tough issue you have to work through, and being in a relationship that just takes work in order to survive. If you''ve got the former with this guy, great. But if it takes work just to survive, it may be better to part ways.

Just something to think about...

+1. I completely agree.

I, too, used to think that work was required of an adult relationship. When I left my ex and started dating my FI, I stopped believing that because it''s not really true. Sure we work at things occasionally, but it''s never a major, ''we should break up'' kind of thing. When things fit the way they''re supposed to, it just works. Good luck dragonfly.