Feeling sad.... may end up off the list.

[dragonfly411]

Things have gone rapidly downhill over the past few weeks and I have no idea why. I was sick a few weeks ago, and ended up staying home for a few days. In that time period, SO would get mad if I missed his calls (I''m sick but can''t I be productive and get the laundry done?). Afterwards he said things "weren''t adding up" and basically accused me of doing something behind his back... I mentioned this before b/c it ended up with him going out without me and a whole load of drama that ensued with his friend basically lying to me about girls being with them blah blah blah. Well he hasn''t stopped talking to said friend, which surprised me a lot. As of Monday he is again accusing me of lying to him b/c I friend requested one of his classmates (a male) on FB and didn''t tell him that I had sent the friend request. Which wtf does that matter??? I will say that SO and I are both very jealous creatures... it''s just in our nature... we were both cheated on in the past so that is how we are. Anyways, ever since then he has basically been off and on, sometimes he is fine, sometimes he is shut down. He isn''t being affectionate.... hasn''t been interested in anything related to romance. He says I love you and kisses me, but otherwise it''s like he is punishing me. He doesn''t answer my calls in the daytime, unless he feels like it, and wouldn''t help me walk the dogs last night, yet was totally happy jovial about going to dinner, bought dinner last night and paid for my dad even (wasn''t even a planned outting). I just am very confused, and hurt. My ex played punishing mind games with me and I don''t want any part of it. I also have increasingly felt like he disapproves of so many things that I do, like reading, watching movies, wearing anything other than "country" clothes, wanting a tattoo, etc. I sometimes feel like I"m not getting to do as many of the things that i would want to do, like go to the gym more regularly, go out with my girlfriends, go to my mom''s, go to the movies etc b/c he doesn''t want to do them and makes me feel bad if I don''t spend the time with him.Yet he wants to go out four wheeling until all hours of the night, and go hunting (which I do go with him and we''ve totally enjoyed that), and go fishing and go work on his boat etc etc. I feel like he expects me to just sit home and wait the half of the time, and then disapproves if I spend that waiting time reading. Sigh. I''m so frustrated, and so sad. We''ve been together for almost four years and for something so trivial to be causing all of this

. I have never cheated on him, never told him lies, never hidden anything from him. He is guilty of white lies, but he does so so I won''t overreact to things I shouldn''t overreact to. I don''t see why he is being so one sided. I''m going to try talking to him tonight, but as of this morning, I just feel like he is shutting down, and I don''t want to waste time, and I don''t want to be that girl trying and trying and trying if he isn''t willing to try too. I''m just so sad.

 

[sctsbride09]

Huge***hugs*** to you, Im not going to try and tell you what you should do. What I will do is tell you that the "right" man for you will encourage you to grow, learn and be YOU. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to read with your free time, or not answering the phone when you are sick. And you should not be punished for things you are not even doing. From your post, your bf sounds insecure and more than a bit controlling. Is this the type of behavior you would want from a HUSBAND? Because it will not change after you marry. You sound like a very intelligent person, and I hope you make the right decision for yourself. Best of luck to you.

 

[bee*]

hi dragonfly-sorry to hear that there are so many problems. Although I can see that him accusing you of lying is the trivial thing that has set all of this off, if you read back over your post there seems to be many more issues. If you want to go to the gym more, see your friends etc, you should be able to do those things without your bf getting jealous-he doesn''t even want you to read when he''s out

and this is before you get engaged/married? If/when you do get married I presume that you want it to last for life, can you imagine spending the rest of your life wanting to do these things but not being able to? It just seems very controlling and I think that these are things that you should definitely look at carefully before you make a further commitment. Sending hugs as it can''t be easy being accused of things that you didn''t do but if he''s playing these mindgames, don''t sit there taking them. I''m not sure if you live together or not, but maybe a break is in order if you do.

 

[setell]

awwww (((((hugs))))))

Sorry you''re going through this after being together for 4 years. Have you guys talked about the problems in a calm environment? Where both parties won''t be threatened it''s a time to be accusational.

 

[decodelighted]

He disapproves of you READING?

 

[janinegirly]

sorry to hear all of this--it really sounds like not a great long term match. You have different styles/interests and I also think 2 jealous types are not a great combination. One is ok, but the other should offset it...I''m the jealous type too, so not judgeing, but I think it must be very challenging to be with someone who suspects you while you suspect him,etc.

I hope you''re able to find peace of mind,.you are still young so plenty of options!
Feel better meanwhile...

 

[purselover]

Oh wow I''m so sorry you''re going through this, so first off lots of ***hugs***

It''s clear he''s being very controlling, and perhaps I''m completely out of line with this, but is there any chance he''s projecting? That he accuses you of cheating and sneaking around because he''s up to something? Something obviously is going on, freaking out b/c you facebooked someone is not healthy! I hate to throw the A word around but this is starting to sound abusive.

 

[dragonfly411]

deco - he''s not a reader. The way he was raised, and the school he went to made reading less important, so he thinks it is a waste of time.

I''m just sad. I don''t really know what to do, I mean... I do love him, and I''ve always pictured us as being that couple, the ones to last. But this is just not normal, and he''s really not been his normal self the past several months. He started hanging out with this new guy who I know doesn''t like me, and is always giving me mean looks and what not. SO tends to give people the benefit of the doubt, so has kindof been asking me to give the kid a chance.... but he''s changing... and I''m just so lost.

IF we did end up not together, I have no idea how I''d keep the townhouse we''ve been renting... and I really don''t want to move back home either. I feel like everything is falling down.

 

[junebug17]

I am not going to tell you what to do either, only you can decide that. But I will be honest and offer my opinion...I see some pretty big red flags in your post. His jealousy and mistrust of you is toxic, it is going to slowly destroy your relationship if gone unchecked. And the fact that he is punishing you for things he THINKS you've done? I am also concerned that he doesn't accept you for who you are. He has a problem with you READING? He sounds controlling, and I worry that this behavior will become even worse after you are married. Can you visualize yourself married to him for the next 40 years as things are now? IMO, some pretty big changes have to take place on his part and I wonder if he's capable of that right now.

And this whole thing of "friends" saying things to him, this just sounds like high school to me. I noticed from your post you're 23, so I'm assuming he's around the same age, could he possibly be a bit immature? I would think this stuff would stop by the 20's, but maybe I'm wrong on that.

I'm sorry, I guess I'm being harsh, but I don't mean to be, I'm just concerned about a few things. And you sound like such a great person from your posts, I just think you deserve to be happy. I'm sorry you are going through such a rough patch, major (((hugs))) to you!

eta: HE thinks reading is a waste of time, so nobody else should do it? Can you see how controlling this is? What would he like you to do with your time, stare at the wall? And he's friends with someone who doesn't like you??? I'm sorry, I'm not getting this, and I think you need to have a very serious talk with your FI about all of this.

and IMO, living home for awhile would be better than continuing to live under these circumstances. Please don't use this to make important life decisions.

 

[tyty333]

{{{Big Hugs}}} dragonfly. It sounds like the two of you are wanting different things out of each other and it
just doesnt sound like a good match. If he loved you he should encourage you in your hobbies and shouldnt
have a problem with you going out/exercising etc. I think this guy is just too controlling (as others have pointed
out) and unless you want to stay pent up in a house and obeying his rules, I think you need to consider what
is best for you. You are still young. Also jealousy can eat you from the inside out...can ruin relationships for
no reason and just plain cause a lot of drama. Is there anyway you can get some counseling for it to see if you
can overcome it? I wish you the best of luck. We''re here for you.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 10/21/2009 10:25:30 AM
Author: junebug17
I am not going to tell you what to do either, only you can decide that. But I will be honest and offer my opinion...I see some pretty big red flags in your post. His jealousy and mistrust of you is toxic, it is going to slowly destroy your relationship if gone unchecked. And the fact that he is punishing you for things he THINKS you've done? I am also concerned that he doesn't accept you for who you are. He has a problem with you READING? He sounds controlling, and I worry that this behavior will become even worse after you are married. Can you visualize yourself married to him for the next 40 years as things are now? IMO, some pretty big changes have to take place on his part and I wonder if he's capable of that right now.

And this whole thing of 'friends' saying things to him, this just sounds like high school to me. I noticed from your post you're 23, so I'm assuming he's around the same age, could he possibly be a bit immature? I would think this stuff would stop by the 20's, but maybe I'm wrong on that.

I'm sorry, I guess I'm being harsh, but I don't mean to be, I'm just concerned about a few things. And you sound like such a great person from your posts, I just think you deserve to be happy. I'm sorry you are going through such a rough patch, major (((hugs))) to you!

eta: HE thinks reading is a waste of time, so nobody else should do it? Can you see how controlling this is? What would he like you to do with your time, stare at the wall? And he's friends with someone who doesn't like you??? I'm sorry, I'm not getting this, and I think you need to have a very serious talk with your FI about all of this.

and IMO, living home for awhile would be better than continuing to live under these circumstances. Please don't use this to make important life decisions.

This post- especially the bold part- sums up exactly my thoughts.

DF and I have different interests (think construction dude and girly girl) but we respect the way the other chooses to spend their time. And, we share similar values (in addition to being a red flag, his behaviour indicates his values are vastly different from yours).

Also: he got mad when you missed his calls for a legitimate reason (laundry), but he doesn't answer YOUR calls 'unless he feels like it'? Can you see how hypocritical that is?! And trust me, I've been in your shoes so I know how crazymaking all of this is.

Run, do not walk, away from this man. His behaviour is totally controlling. This is NOT normal and it is NOT okay. I had an ex just like this and I am thankful every day that I'm with my DF instead.

 

[lilyfoot]

Wow dragonfly. I''ve seen your posts around PS, and I''ve always thought (and still do, of course) that you seemed like a very intelligent person. I have to say, I''m surprised by the background of your relationship.

The way your boyfriend acts is 100% unacceptable. He is being extremely controlling and manipulative. The things you mentioned he does are very far from being trivial. His behavior now is a warning of what else is to come if you continue on a life with him. His behavior is NOT normal, in any sense of the word.

Someone who truly loves and cares about you, wants what''s best for you. They want you to have your own interests, hobbies, friends, and life, seperate from them.

You mentioned that your ex played mind games. It sounds like to me that your current boyfriend is playing mind games as well.

He has no right to treat you this way. I hope you find the path that''s right for you, dragonfly. My heart aches for you.

 

[junebug17]

Sorry, in my post I said "FI", should have been bf.

I just re-read your post, and I'm sorry, I tried to avoid saying this, but his behavior is dangerously close to being abusive.

 

[decodelighted]

Couple more thoughts.

In general breakups are hard because you see what you''re "giving up" as opposed to what you''ll be "getting" -- eventually. If you REALLY knew what it was like to be with someone who would love you for all your quirks *anyway* and NOT judge you and NOT smother you and NOT play headgames and NOT hang out with people who "don''t like you" and NOT be punishing/judgmental/controlling -- then it wouldn''t even be a choice. You''d OF COURSE choose the other path.

Sometimes guys break up w/us without us even realizing they''re doing it. They don''t like to do the "dirty work" -- so they invent all these offenses WE''VE committed and punish us for them so WE''LL in turn do the breaking up. Maybe the two of you have just grown apart & both of you would be better off with different partners.

Think about something as simple as your sig line here. How much of that stuff you say "makes you tick" is on his HIT LIST? Stuff he''d prefer to snuff out of you. That is NO WAY to live. You''re a flower yet to bloom. Don''t let him snip you off at the stem.

 

[TooPatient]

From what you are saying, it sounds like he changed when he met his new friend. Is his new friend jealous of the time BF spends with YOU? Maybe he is giving these ideas of cheating and stuff in your BFs mind.

Another possibility is BF sees his new friend cheating and doing other stuff and is worried that you might too.
(Or the new friend is pressuring BF to do these things)


Whatever the issue is, you need to talk to him. Let him know that you love him and are completely truthful with him. Make your concerns known. Tell him that you have seen a change in his behavior (don''t blame the friend to begin with) the last few months and it worries you. Give examples.


I hope the talk tonight helps you make the right decision for YOU.

Big hugs.

 

[dragonfly411]

He and I are going to sit down and talk tonight, about everything. When I do have issues and we talk he normally tries to amend them, which is good, and the same vice versa. He doesn''t go haywire if I read, but more asks "well why weren''t you outside walking, or playing with the dogs instead". The guilt thing over going places does have to stop. I have to be able to work out and see my friends too. The whole me lying thing is very uncharacteristic. When I say we are jealous we normally are in the sense that we always ask who is going where with whom, and we don''t like sharing each other with others. But accusations are not normal, and never have been.

I will say that it is very rare for us to argue. Yes there are things about me he disapproves but he never has said don''t do this or don''t do that, he''ll just ask why I''d rather do something than something else, or why do I want to do something when I could be with him. Just to clarify on his personality/tributes.

In most senses he is amazing to me, always treats me, opens doors, takes me out, he''ll go see a movie FOR ME now and again, and does go places and do things I want to do just for me now and then. He just got me roses a week and a half ago. I just am so confused. I love him very very much, and I want us to work, b/c he is the kind, tender, caring person normally. He took time with me, and helped me to come out of my shell and basically fixed me from all the things my ex ripped apart.... and he didn''t have to be so patient. He didn''t have to wait for me to open up and be comfortable... which is also part of what confuses me.

I do think the friend plays a part, and I AM going to bring it up again, b/c I don''t feel right about the guy and everyone I know has agreed.

Sorry for the novel.

 

[Lilac]

Dragonfly, I'm so sorry to hear about this. It sounds like you're going through a very confusing time and I really hope things work out the best way possible (whether that means staying or ending things).

I'm not going to tell you what to do - I don't think ANY of us truly can understand everything going on enough to tell you what you should or shouldn't do - but I will just share a few thoughts. My husband loves fantasy baseball - he is involved in two fantasy baseball leagues and spends a TON of time each and every day talking to the other people in his leagues and making decisions about it and talking to his friends about it. I hate fantasy sports and think they're a waste of time. However, I don't EVER tell him not to do it, and in fact, I ENCOURAGE him to do it because HE enjoys it. It gives him pleasure to participate in it, so therefore it doesn't really matter whether I understand why he loves it, I want him to be happy so I encourage him to do it. If you love reading, your boyfriend should encourage you to do it whether he understands or agrees with you or not. A partner should want the person they love to participate in activities that give them enjoyment. It sounds like your boyfriend is all about *himself* - he does what he wants to when he wants to, he tells "white lies" but somehow doesn't trust you even though you've never lied to him, he doesn't want you to read because HE doesn't like reading, and he gets upset when you go out with friends or go out without him, but yet he goes out with friends without you. There are a lot of red flags in your post and I think you really should consider whether or not you want to be with someone who will put their happiness above your own.

Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult time right now. *hugs*

ETA: Just saw your most recent post clarifying some things. Like I said, none of us can know your situation well enough to tell you what to do. I hope you will consider everything that has been said and also take into account what you know about your own relationship that we don't know. Good luck and I hope you figure things out!

 

[misskitty]

Date: 10/21/2009 10:24:22 AM
Author: dragonfly411
deco - he''s not a reader. The way he was raised, and the school he went to made reading less important, so he thinks it is a waste of time.


I''m just sad. I don''t really know what to do, I mean... I do love him, and I''ve always pictured us as being that couple, the ones to last. But this is just not normal, and he''s really not been his normal self the past several months. He started hanging out with this new guy who I know doesn''t like me, and is always giving me mean looks and what not. SO tends to give people the benefit of the doubt, so has kindof been asking me to give the kid a chance.... but he''s changing... and I''m just so lost.


IF we did end up not together, I have no idea how I''d keep the townhouse we''ve been renting... and I really don''t want to move back home either. I feel like everything is falling down.

Big big hugs, hun. I don''t know what to tell you about whether to stay or go, but I do think that the part I bolded is not enough of a reason (by itself) to stick around. Yeah, moving out is scary and feels like a defeat, but sometimes we have to jump over some really awkward hurdles to get to a better place, and I feel like sticking around just because change is hard would be cheating you out of some potential good. If you have other reasons to hold on to the relationship, cool, but if it''s a fear of change, the "tough love" side of me says bite it and just go.

Whatever happens, I am thinking good thoughts for you.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 10/21/2009 1:08:05 PM
Author: dragonfly411
He and I are going to sit down and talk tonight, about everything. When I do have issues and we talk he normally tries to amend them, which is good, and the same vice versa. He doesn't go haywire if I read, but more asks 'well why weren't you outside walking, or playing with the dogs instead'. The guilt thing over going places does have to stop. I have to be able to work out and see my friends too. The whole me lying thing is very uncharacteristic. When I say we are jealous we normally are in the sense that we always ask who is going where with whom, and we don't like sharing each other with others. But accusations are not normal, and never have been.

I will say that it is very rare for us to argue. Yes there are things about me he disapproves but he never has said don't do this or don't do that, he'll just ask why I'd rather do something than something else, or why do I want to do something when I could be with him. Just to clarify on his personality/tributes.

In most senses he is amazing to me, always treats me, opens doors, takes me out, he'll go see a movie FOR ME now and again, and does go places and do things I want to do just for me now and then. He just got me roses a week and a half ago. I just am so confused. I love him very very much, and I want us to work, b/c he is the kind, tender, caring person normally. He took time with me, and helped me to come out of my shell and basically fixed me from all the things my ex ripped apart.... and he didn't have to be so patient. He didn't have to wait for me to open up and be comfortable... which is also part of what confuses me.

I do think the friend plays a part, and I AM going to bring it up again, b/c I don't feel right about the guy and everyone I know has agreed.

Sorry for the novel.

I hate to be blunt, but he won't change. At least, not in the long term. Sure, he might chill out for awhile if you put your foot down and threaten to leave. But it will creep back eventually, slowly.

He's showing you who he is loud and clear. He is the way he is for a reason- and that is because fundamentally, he thinks this type of controlling behaviour is acceptable. Those fundamental beliefs of his will not go away. In his mind, behaviour like his is justified.

You can choose to live with it (which I don't recommend) - and do realize that behaviour like this almost always escalates/worsens with time. Or, you can choose to move on. I remember having to account for everywhere I was all the time. I used to DREAD leaving the house because I knew the flack he would give me. One time, I ran into a CURB looking for my cellphone while driving because I know he would give me a horrible time if I didn't have it on me and he tried to call. I blew a freaking tire over a controlling jerk!

I don't mean to be harsh but there are red flags, banners even, all over his behaviour. I know it isn't easy, but I hate to see someone else clinging on to hope the way I did in the past.

 

[AllieGator]

I''m sorry this is happening...he seems pretty controlling, and inconsiderate of your wants and needs. Sometimes, love isn''t enough. I hope that you''re able to talk this out with him, and come to the best decision for you--always put yourself first. Good luck!

 

[tlh]

Date: 10/21/2009 11:14:55 AM
Author: decodelighted
Couple more thoughts.

In general breakups are hard because you see what you''re ''giving up'' as opposed to what you''ll be ''getting'' -- eventually. If you REALLY knew what it was like to be with someone who would love you for all your quirks *anyway* and NOT judge you and NOT smother you and NOT play headgames and NOT hang out with people who ''don''t like you'' and NOT be punishing/judgmental/controlling -- then it wouldn''t even be a choice. You''d OF COURSE choose the other path.

Sometimes guys break up w/us without us even realizing they''re doing it. They don''t like to do the ''dirty work'' -- so they invent all these offenses WE''VE committed and punish us for them so WE''LL in turn do the breaking up. Maybe the two of you have just grown apart & both of you would be better off with different partners.

Think about something as simple as your sig line here. How much of that stuff you say ''makes you tick'' is on his HIT LIST? Stuff he''d prefer to snuff out of you. That is NO WAY to live. You''re a flower yet to bloom. Don''t let him snip you off at the stem.

I agree with this.

My uncle has a saying that applies here... "You are who your friends are." Your BF is CHOOSING to spend time w/ someone who doesn''t like you, he is also doing things he wouldn''t approve of if you did in turn. I''m not saying he should ditch his friend... but at some point a choice has to be made. That is not tolerable behavior unless he agrees. At some point you need to stop talking and start doing... otherwise the words mean NOTHING. Have your discussion, but watch closely.. his actions will give you your answer.

Hugs and good luck to you.

 

[NYCsparkle]

Date: 10/21/2009 9:49:06 AM
Author: sctsbride09
Huge***hugs*** to you, Im not going to try and tell you what you should do. What I will do is tell you that the ''right'' man for you will encourage you to grow, learn and be YOU. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to read with your free time, or not answering the phone when you are sick. And you should not be punished for things you are not even doing. From your post, your bf sounds insecure and more than a bit controlling. Is this the type of behavior you would want from a HUSBAND? Because it will not change after you marry. You sound like a very intelligent person, and I hope you make the right decision for yourself. Best of luck to you.

i fully agree with this...it sounds like he has A LOT of growing up to do before getting married. this is the time in your life to live and be free to do as you please without feeling hindered or anxious to do something. don''t 2nd guess yourself...i''m not you or in your shoes, but i was and i moved on...to a happier place with a person who encouraged me to live my life to the fullest. things will only get worse after the wedding

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 10/21/2009 1:08:05 PM
Author: dragonfly411
He and I are going to sit down and talk tonight, about everything. When I do have issues and we talk he normally tries to amend them, which is good, and the same vice versa. He doesn''t go haywire if I read, but more asks ''well why weren''t you outside walking, or playing with the dogs instead''. The guilt thing over going places does have to stop. I have to be able to work out and see my friends too. The whole me lying thing is very uncharacteristic. When I say we are jealous we normally are in the sense that we always ask who is going where with whom, and we don''t like sharing each other with others. But accusations are not normal, and never have been.

I will say that it is very rare for us to argue. Yes there are things about me he disapproves but he never has said don''t do this or don''t do that, he''ll just ask why I''d rather do something than something else, or why do I want to do something when I could be with him. Just to clarify on his personality/tributes.

In most senses he is amazing to me, always treats me, opens doors, takes me out, he''ll go see a movie FOR ME now and again, and does go places and do things I want to do just for me now and then. He just got me roses a week and a half ago. I just am so confused. I love him very very much, and I want us to work, b/c he is the kind, tender, caring person normally. He took time with me, and helped me to come out of my shell and basically fixed me from all the things my ex ripped apart.... and he didn''t have to be so patient. He didn''t have to wait for me to open up and be comfortable... which is also part of what confuses me.

I do think the friend plays a part, and I AM going to bring it up again, b/c I don''t feel right about the guy and everyone I know has agreed.

Sorry for the novel.

This helps to understand him a little better. You really seem to love him. He really seems to love you. It sounds like he does a bunch of "little things" to show you how much you matter.

It does sound like the new friend is involved in the changes.


You might print out some of your posts and have them with you when you talk. (especially the ones where you are saying how much you love him and want to make things work or how you are concerned because of the friend)
Then you can read them to him if you need to (I get tense and forget all my carefully chosen non-accusing non-defensive words and just stammer along) or let him read them.


BTW, I don''t mind reading your novels. Type all you want.

 

[junebug17]

Date: 10/21/2009 1:08:05 PM
Author: dragonfly411
He and I are going to sit down and talk tonight, about everything. When I do have issues and we talk he normally tries to amend them, which is good, and the same vice versa. He doesn't go haywire if I read, but more asks 'well why weren't you outside walking, or playing with the dogs instead'. The guilt thing over going places does have to stop. I have to be able to work out and see my friends too. The whole me lying thing is very uncharacteristic. When I say we are jealous we normally are in the sense that we always ask who is going where with whom, and we don't like sharing each other with others. But accusations are not normal, and never have been.

I will say that it is very rare for us to argue. Yes there are things about me he disapproves but he never has said don't do this or don't do that, he'll just ask why I'd rather do something than something else, or why do I want to do something when I could be with him. Just to clarify on his personality/tributes.

In most senses he is amazing to me, always treats me, opens doors, takes me out, he'll go see a movie FOR ME now and again, and does go places and do things I want to do just for me now and then. He just got me roses a week and a half ago. I just am so confused. I love him very very much, and I want us to work, b/c he is the kind, tender, caring person normally. He took time with me, and helped me to come out of my shell and basically fixed me from all the things my ex ripped apart.... and he didn't have to be so patient. He didn't have to wait for me to open up and be comfortable... which is also part of what confuses me.

I do think the friend plays a part, and I AM going to bring it up again, b/c I don't feel right about the guy and everyone I know has agreed.

Sorry for the novel.

Maybe because you didn't feel like walking? Maybe because you didn't feel like playing with the dogs? Maybe because you felt like reading? I feel like he's telling you what to do, even if he isn't going haywire. And what things does he disapprove of? Again, I feel like he is subtly trying to control your life by saying things like this. Doesn't this get on your nerves? You have a right to make your own choices, you are an adult.

I am so sorry, but every time I read one of your posts, more red flags pop up. As lilac said, we are only getting a snippet of your relationship, and only you can decide what you can live with. I wish you the best of luck with your talk.

 

[Diva0413]

hey dragonfly, just saw your post from HLT and had to come over and send you hugs... I''m sorry you''re going through this. I don''t really have too much to add, but I hope you feel better soon. I can''t explain why he''s acting like this, but you should happy. And if you''re not, you should sit and evaluate why.

 

[dragonfly411]

Thank you all very much. I hope tonight goes well, and I hope that we can figure out where all the issues are and get them resolved. I can''t really imagine myself with anyone else. Like I said, he put me back together again... and there are a lot of things he does support me in. He''s the first one to help me with horse stuff, and loves that I volunteer and that I like to travel, he loves that we camp together. I think he''s very outdoors related, and is afraid I''ll waste away inside... but I won''t, and he has to understand that, along with other things. I also think some of it stems from his dad having always talked about how his mom just left one day, and he knows she did the same with his sister''s dad.... I feel like it is a contributor to his overall insecurities. I think he also feels like we don''t see each other all day while working, and is the type who likes to do things together, but he also likes guy time, and doesn''t understand the girl time thing, which is where the one sidedness comes in. I''m guilty in things too, and I know that. I''m horrible about keeping up with things, keeping things picked up after myself. I tend to want to talk/argue it out while he likes to deal in silence if he''s irked, and that just irks him more. I am horribly pig headed. He has never like FB or Myspace, he thinks they take up too much time, and I DO see that, I have other things I SHOULD be doing, so he has a point with me spending time THERE lol. I know I am not perfect. We just have to work out our imperfections with one another.... hopefully we can

.

 

[purrfectpear]

If I remember correctly the last drama was more or less about you being jealous and mistrustful. This time it''s about him being jealous and mistrustful.

You state "we''re both horribly jealous" and then go on to attempt to rationalize that. Uhn uh, not gonna fly.

I''m not sure why you keep saying you hope you can have a relationship together, because the one you guys have is extremely unhealthy

1. You need to deal with things the way they ARE, and stop romanticizing the way they "could" be "if only"...

2. You need to realize that you have more than the choice of living in a townhouse unhappy or moving back home. You can simply rent a smaller cheaper place, or find a female roommate. Don''t use the townhouse as an excuse.

3. You need to look into co-dependency and see if you don''t fit most of the criteria, then take action.

4. You both need more time to mature as it doesn''t sound like either of you have grown past the high school jealousy stage. Love is not jealousy. It''s not possessive. It''s not insecure.

 

[janinegirly]

try to think about what is missing from this relationship too--a lot of us see red flags but of course only you really know. Right now it sounds like you're already building up excuses for him and scared for anything to change. You have to be strong in expressing your boundaries and need for respect or else it'll be relationship defined by co-dependence and drama which is not something that will last or be healthy.

 

[dragonfly411]

purrfect - it has nothing to do with highschool maturity. Again, we have both suffered bad relationships in the past. I''m not making excuses for myself, but it is something that CAN take time to rebuild yourself to an easygoing nonchalant individual. Otherwise I agree with your post in some ways. Until you''ve been in a relationship where someone has cheated on you.... and to the degree that I WAS.... it''s hard to understand. I don''t know that I will EVER be in a relationship where I''m not constantly looking for signs... afraid that someone would do it again, even though I DO trust them and know they never would. I thought that about my ex.... and was wrong. I do trust SO, I know he would never want to hurt me, but it''s sortof a built in instinct to be jealous and to fear at this point, and the same goes for him. It has nothing to do with maturity and everything to do with our exes screwing us over in a big big way at one point... both of us.

 

[dragonfly411]

And I''ll add we have worked on that together... both of us talking to each other, pointing the actions out, and slowly correcting them over time. We''ve sortof rebuilt each other.