Feeling overhwhelmed, need perspective

[galeteia]

I guess I just need some advice and perspective. My FF and I are buried in the paperwork we need for me to immigrate to the US to marry him, and the enormity of what we are doing is hitting us pretty hard. We feel like we are being rushed into marriage before either of us is ready-- we are 100% sure we want to get married, but we don''t want to get married so soon. He and I are on the same page as to our feelings about the whole thing, but can''t see much in the way of other options.

I wish we could just live together and take the time before we get enaged, and then get married. However, that''s not possible for us. I live in Canada, he''ll be doing his PhD in Texas. It is basically impossible for us to spend time together without me immigrating down there. It costs at least $500 US for a plane ticket there and back, which neither of us can afford. Nor do we come from rich families who could lend us the money. I don''t drive, let alone have a car, and it would take almost a week for me to drive down there even if I did, and as for taking the bus-- I can''t afford to take that much time off work. There is no sense getting evicted because I used my rent money to go visit my fiance in Texas. So visiting pre immigration isn''t an option.

He has a friend who is in upper year law school, who has been helping us look at our options. According to him, the only feasible option for us is marriage. He gave us the info on H-1Bs anyway, and after looking it over, we agreed that he was right. I''m just not likely to get a work visa, even if I could get a job in Texas at such a distance. They''ve already met the limit for 2007 anyway.

We could wait to get engaged, of course. But everything has to happen at least a year in advance, thanks to the paperwork. And what''s the point in waiting until next year, when we won''t be able to see one another anyway? I don''t want to get engaged long distance, and go at least TWO years without seeing him. It almost makes me feel like a mail-order bride, in a bizzare way.

We were really hoping he''d get a PhD spot closer to Canada, but that''s where he got in. Marriage is such a huge step, and it feels like the paperwork is forcing us to make that huge decision before we are ready. But we do know that we do want to get married, and it seems the situation is just forcing us to work out the details a year or two early. If he was closer, I might be able to get a job near him and then file to get a work visa, or even just come down to visit him on long weekends and layoff periods. But that''s not possible when he''s as far away as Texas.

I mean, here we are getting legal paperwork done and we aren''t even officially engaged yet!

He''s also worried that our interaction will be overshadowed by the paperwork. I''ve seen that happen in couples who are planning a wedding-- their focus shifts onto table settings, guest lists, and family drama, and stresses them out.

I''m hoping that someone out there can give me some hope, or reassurance. If you are going to criticize me, please do so without flaming me or being abusive.

 

[bee*]

Im so sorry to hear that Galateia-it must be huge pressure on you, especially when you are not even officially engaged yet. Im not sure what advice I can offer only just look everywhere in Texas to see is that anyway that you can get a job there so you can get a visa. I dont know what I would do if I was in the same position-I wouldnt like to feel pressurised to get married when I wasnt ready however I wouldnt like to do the long distance thing either. Just make sure that you check all your options before you go ahead with it

 

[hilbake]

Hi there,

I usually just lurk, but this situation is very similar to what my boyfriend and I went through.

I''m American and my boyfriend is Belgian. We met in the US when he was a foreign exchange student at my high school back in 1997. We did the long distance thing throughout college. We both graduated college the same year, but BF decided to do an extra year so I had to start working in the US. When he finally finished, he had tried to get a job so that he could get a work visa for the US (which is what we had been planning to do from the beginning, as he told me that he liked the US and wouldn''t mind moving there). He must''ve sent 50 resumes, and all he got was 2 responses, both of which were "no". I guess the US employer has to prove that there aren''t any americans that could be hired to do the same job as the potential foreign worker.
At this point, we just really wanted to be together, but we weren''t ready to get married (therefore no fiancé visa). Most of our relationship up to this point had been long distance. We wanted to live together a little while to see if we wanted to move to the next step. And plus, I think if you get the fiancé visa you have to get married within 3 months of the arrival of the "foreigner", which wouldn''t be ideal for planning a wedding and getting settled, etc.
So... we decided that I would move to Belgium to be with him. I applied for a visa to be a "cohabitante légale" which is basically a contract that the two people sign, kind of like a marriage contract, but they''re not married. Obviously this type of visa doesn''t exist in the US, or it would''ve been him coming to live with me.
And here I am, although it has been really hard adjusting, especially having to speak french all the time. But that''s another story!

I guess what I want to say is this: if you want to be together, you''ll do whatever is necessary to do so. If that means getting married a little sooner or waiting and being long distance a little longer, then so be it. Honestly, if I had to marry my BF in order to be with him, I would have.

But I can understand the lengthy processes involved in going to another country, and I wish you luck in whatever you do!

Sorry to ramble, but I hope that helps a little.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/1/2006 2:00:16 PM
Author: bee*
Im so sorry to hear that Galateia-it must be huge pressure on you, especially when you are not even officially engaged yet. Im not sure what advice I can offer only just look everywhere in Texas to see is that anyway that you can get a job there so you can get a visa. I dont know what I would do if I was in the same position-I wouldnt like to feel pressurised to get married when I wasnt ready however I wouldnt like to do the long distance thing either. Just make sure that you check all your options before you go ahead with it

Thanks for your kind words-- it is a lot of pressure. It''s the worst case of ''cart before the horse'' that I''ve ever had to deal with.

I originally was hoping to get a work visa, which is why we asked his law student friend to help us dig. The problem is twofold:

One, the H-1B form (petition for a work visa) is VERY specific as to who is eligible for a work visa, and I am not. My employer has to prove that there is no one in the US who is capable of doing my job, hence the need to import a specific-skilled worker, which is how people in professions like engineering, computer science, biotechnology, etc get in. I''m not an agricultural worker working for a specific farming season, or an althete or performer. The form is VERY strict about which categories you fit into, and I don''t fit into any of them. You can''t get a general work visa to work, say, as a clerk in a bookshop, or a waitress, or a cashier. Bummer.

Two: I have to already have a job in Texas for them to apply on my behalf. I won''t be able to fly down to Texas for interviews, which lessens my chance of getting a job. If I was in one of those specialized-skills fields, I would have a chance to get a position ''sight unseen'' because my credentials would speak for me, but I don''t have specialized skills.

Also, all the H-1B positions for 2007 are already filled, which means that anyone applying with an H-1B has to wait until April 2007 to apply to get a visa for 2008.

So the work visa is totally out.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/1/2006 2:11:18 PM
Author: hilbake
Hi there,

I usually just lurk, but this situation is very similar to what my boyfriend and I went through.

I''m American and my boyfriend is Belgian. We met in the US when he was a foreign exchange student at my high school back in 1997. We did the long distance thing throughout college. We both graduated college the same year, but BF decided to do an extra year so I had to start working in the US. When he finally finished, he had tried to get a job so that he could get a work visa for the US (which is what we had been planning to do from the beginning, as he told me that he liked the US and wouldn''t mind moving there). He must''ve sent 50 resumes, and all he got was 2 responses, both of which were ''no''. I guess the US employer has to prove that there aren''t any americans that could be hired to do the same job as the potential foreign worker.
At this point, we just really wanted to be together, but we weren''t ready to get married (therefore no fiancé visa). Most of our relationship up to this point had been long distance. We wanted to live together a little while to see if we wanted to move to the next step. And plus, I think if you get the fiancé visa you have to get married within 3 months of the arrival of the ''foreigner'', which wouldn''t be ideal for planning a wedding and getting settled, etc.
So... we decided that I would move to Belgium to be with him. I applied for a visa to be a ''cohabitante légale'' which is basically a contract that the two people sign, kind of like a marriage contract, but they''re not married. Obviously this type of visa doesn''t exist in the US, or it would''ve been him coming to live with me.
And here I am, although it has been really hard adjusting, especially having to speak french all the time. But that''s another story!

I guess what I want to say is this: if you want to be together, you''ll do whatever is necessary to do so. If that means getting married a little sooner or waiting and being long distance a little longer, then so be it. Honestly, if I had to marry my BF in order to be with him, I would have.

But I can understand the lengthy processes involved in going to another country, and I wish you luck in whatever you do!

Sorry to ramble, but I hope that helps a little.

Yes! Oh god, that does help. Thanky you! Mostly people just look at me blankly when I talk about the difficulties of trying to get into the US. If only there was a ''legal cohabitator'' visa for the US! I would be all over that like a drowning man over a life preserver.

You are absolutely right about doing whatever is necessary to do. That''s how we feel about our situation: we''ll do what we have to do to be together.

We have lived together, albeit briefly: I lived with him in Kentucky for 3 months while I worked on my thesis and he did his internship, and he''s been living with me for the month of June, and is leaving on the 7th. So we have been lucky enough to live together for 4 months. It was really reassuring to have that time living together, because it proved that our relationship was what we thought it was, if that makes any sense.

Now I''m rambling. But thank you.

 

[TravelingGal]

That really is a tough one. I don''t have much advice for you, except to say I understand what you are going through...

If my fiance (just boyfriend at the time) did not win the greencard lottery, we would have ended the relationship. We were in the same spot as you...trying to figure out how to be together without getting married first. We traveled in Europe for months together and had quite a few monthlong visits with one another. I felt I knew him pretty well...

Well let me tell you, it''s DIFFERENT when you really make a life together. I can''t stress enough that any long distance relationship has an element of "fantasy" in it (for lack of a better word) I would be lying if I said this past year has been easy...and if weren''t so hard for him to pack up and move home, we might have been kaput. But we were forced to keep trying and resolving issues and we are doing really well now.

But if I had MARRIED him to find all this out, I think I would have been pretty depressed - and felt trapped. Yes, I may have been just as commited to make it work, but in my head it just would all add up differently.

We got very very lucky. I still can''t believe he won the Diversity Lottery visa...it gave us a chance to try it, each with our own terms. If it didn''t work out, he could choose to stay or go and I think that made him feel better about the whole thing. It''s too bad that as a Canadian, you are not eligible to enter. The only way you could enter is if you were born in a qualifying country.

It is too bad that there isn''t a visa for cohabitors (Australia allows for defacto relationships, so I could have moved there without marrying him). But there are a lot of people who do want to get into this country (I guess not all share your views Galateia

) so they have to control immigration somehow. Trying to control/prove cohabitation would just be a nightmare.

I hope things work out for you, but I do think your road will be challenging one. I just simply could not marry someone to be together - the cart before the hourse, as you''ve said. Still, sometimes you have to do what you have to do...at least you won''t be living your life wondering "what if."

 

[TravelingGal]

btw, I don't know where he lives in Texas, but I would think you will need to learn how to drive. I think the move will be pretty stressful for you. My FI had to learn how to drive here as well (since they drive on the left in Oz and the steering wheel is on the right side of the car). He did well, but I was pretty nervous on his behalf as he studied for his written test and did his road test. Not to mention I was in the car when he first took it for a spin. It was like being a teenager again as we went around a parking lot with me gripping the hand rest and yelping in fear from time to time.

Going to the Social Security office was fun too. God, some govt officials are so inept! After doing all that we did to get him here, I have had enough of dealing with government employees! When we were in the US consulate in Sydney for his greencard interview, I just stared at the young male interviewer thinking that this one person could make or break our future. I have never felt so helpless in my entire life.

 

[eleguin]

Hi Galateia, what a tough position to be in

. You said that you''re not sure if you''re ready for marriage but you''re sure that you want to marry him someday. If it was me, I think I would just get married for that piece of paper, but wait to have an official engagement/wedding. I would view it as a purely logistical thing. I know that you would''ve been legally married for a while already by the time you have the wedding, but it''s not really the piece of paper that makes a marriage a marriage. I actually have a friend who did exactly that. She met her boyfriend when she was in the Peace Corp in Ecuador and they fell in love. She came back to the states and he followed her. They got a marriage license, he got his citizenship, and a year later (this past April) they had a wedding. It worked out beautifully. But it all depends on how you and your bf feel about doing it that way.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/1/2006 4:13:47 PM
Author: eleguin
Hi Galateia, what a tough position to be in

. You said that you''re not sure if you''re ready for marriage but you''re sure that you want to marry him someday. If it was me, I think I would just get married for that piece of paper, but wait to have an official engagement/wedding. I would view it as a purely logistical thing. I know that you would''ve been legally married for a while already by the time you have the wedding, but it''s not really the piece of paper that makes a marriage a marriage. I actually have a friend who did exactly that. She met her boyfriend when she was in the Peace Corp in Ecuador and they fell in love. She came back to the states and he followed her. They got a marriage license, he got his citizenship, and a year later (this past April) they had a wedding. It worked out beautifully. But it all depends on how you and your bf feel about doing it that way.

Actually, that''s exactly what we are planning on doing. Glad to know I''m not kidding myself that it could work! Originally, I had it in my head that we could do the ''official'' engagement and paperwork marriage next summer, and then wait at least a year or two for the actual wedding. In my mind, one isn''t really ''married'' until you stand up in front of your family and friends and declare your commitment. Not to mention all the planning and expense a wedding takes!

But this paperwork is doing a number on our heads. It''s so somber and definitive and ''heavy'' for lack of a better word. (Not that I expected it to be fun and entertaining...) And a legal marriage is still a definitive step in that direction. And like I said, it''s not that we are unsure of wanting to get married, but we''re uncomfortable with the timing, and feeling trapped into a course of action without acceptable alternatives.

Thank your for your advice. I agree that a ''logistics-only'' approach is the best way to deal with it. How did your friend ''prove'' her relationship with her fiance, if you don''t mind me asking? We also have to provide ''proof'' that we''ve met at least once in the last two years, but they don''t state anywhere what is acceptable proof. I called the US consulate for my area with a list of questions like that (At $2.00 a minute!

) and they weren''t able to answer ANY of them. Not even what physicians in my area are authorized to complete the Medical Examination form, and they are SUPPOSED to know that!

We could call an immigration lawyer, but from our research forays in that direction, it''s at least $200 for a PHONE consulation!

 

[TravelingGal]

Proof...photos, plane tickets...

As for the USCIS approved list of doctors in Canada, if you dig around online you should be able to find it. We found ours for Australia this way.

Don''t forget that you can prove antibodies instead of getting vaccinations....

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/1/2006 5:18:55 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Proof...photos, plane tickets...

As for the USCIS approved list of doctors in Canada, if you dig around online you should be able to find it. We found ours for Australia this way.

Don''t forget that you can prove antibodies instead of getting vaccinations....

Yeah, the proof thing is the darnest thing! That''s what I thought, too. We can''t use plane tickets because we haven''t flown. I took the bus, he took his car.

As for the photos, I thought we could get a photo of the two of us notarized by a notary public (a suggestion from the US Consulate live operator), but apparently we can''t, because there is no acceptable way to ''date'' photos anymore and none of the notary publics/lawyers I''ve talked to are willing to touch it with a ten foot pole!

I did dig around online for the USCIS approved doctors, and we kept getting the same info: "contact your local US Consulate for a list of approved Panel Physicians in your area" which we did, at $2/min (yes, still bitter.) and they directed us to a link/pdf on the AMCITS website that doesn''t actually give us what we need. That list is only ''reputable'' medical professionals in the area, including pediatricians, dentists, and foot doctors. Not a Panel Physician in sight. We even called the number on that list, and they said it''s not a list of Panel Physicians.

Zounds!

It''s so much more complicated than I thought. I knew it was going to be difficult, but this is ridiculous! His law student friend is investigating whether he can write us up what we need and notarize it, because apparently he''s qualified. My fingers and toes are crossed.

I did talk to one lawyer who was willing to notarize a photo of the two of us, for mega $$$$, even though she was skeptical that it would be acceptable. SO kind, no?

 

[TravelingGal]

If I have time latter, I will hunt around for it. When we did our immigration process, it really took some digging around. I was lucky to find a forum dedicated to greencards and made some good friends in the process. Now all of our experiences are on the net in the hopes of helping others. It really IS a crazy, convoluted process!!!

If you want to check out "our" site, just for kicks, you can find it at http://www.clalar.dk/dv-lottery/oc-region-lottery/. The original forum we all met at seems down at the moment, and the one I have linked you to is a relatively new forum with members from the old one.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/1/2006 5:36:39 PM
Author: TravelingGal
If I have time latter, I will hunt around for it. When we did our immigration process, it really took some digging around. I was lucky to find a forum dedicated to greencards and made some good friends in the process. Now all of our experiences are on the net in the hopes of helping others. It really IS a crazy, convoluted process!!!

If you want to check out ''our'' site, just for kicks, you can find it at http://www.clalar.dk/dv-lottery/oc-region-lottery/. The original forum we all met at seems down at the moment, and the one I have linked you to is a relatively new forum with members from the old one.

[/b][/b]
Amen!! I wonder if they make it so hard in an attempt screen the applicants, so only smart, determined, resourceful, and hard-working people can get in?

If you have time, that would be great-- I appreciate your help, and in the meantime I will check out that site. Thanks!

 

[eleguin]

Date: 7/1/2006 4:58:09 PM
Author: Galateia

Thank your for your advice. I agree that a 'logistics-only' approach is the best way to deal with it. How did your friend 'prove' her relationship with her fiance, if you don't mind me asking? We also have to provide 'proof' that we've met at least once in the last two years, but they don't state anywhere what is acceptable proof. I called the US consulate for my area with a list of questions like that (At $2.00 a minute!

) and they weren't able to answer ANY of them. Not even what physicians in my area are authorized to complete the Medical Examination form, and they are SUPPOSED to know that!

We could call an immigration lawyer, but from our research forays in that direction, it's at least $200 for a PHONE consulation!

I'm not sure what my friend used as proof, but I am guessing that plane tickets, lodging receipts, maybe even photographs with dates (but that might be too easy to manipulate). If you've ever seen the movie "Green Card," the immigration people put the couple in separate rooms and question each one about the other to see if they really know each other. I'm not sure if that's how they really do it though.

I did a quick search on the dept of homeland security website and found this: http://www.uscis.gov/graphics/howdoi/fiance.htm. If might be helpful if you haven't already looked at it. Basically here's an excerpt from it:

If your fiancé(e) is not a citizen of the United States and you plan to get married in the United States, then you must file a petition with USCIS on behalf of your fiancé(e). After the petition is approved, your fiancé(e) must obtain a visa issued at a U.S. Embassy or consulate abroad. The marriage must take place within 90 days of your fiancé(e) entering the United States. If the marriage does not take place within 90 days or your fiancé(e) marries someone other than you (the U.S. citizen filing USCIS Form I-129F - Petition for Alien Fiancé), your fiancé(e) will be required to leave the United States. Until the marriage takes place, your fiancé(e) is considered a nonimmigrant. A nonimmigrant is a foreign national seeking to temporarily enter the United States for a specific purpose. A fiancé(e) may not obtain an extension of the 90-day original nonimmigrant admission.

It goes on much longer as you can see on the website. Hope that's helpful and good luck!

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/1/2006 7:05:21 PM
Author: eleguin


I''m not sure what my friend used as proof, but I am guessing that plane tickets, lodging receipts, maybe even photographs with dates (but that might be too easy to manipulate). If you''ve ever seen the movie ''Green Card,'' the immigration people put the couple in separate rooms and question each one about the other to see if they really know each other. I''m not sure if that''s how they really do it though.


I did a quick search on the dept of homeland security website and found this: http://www.uscis.gov/graphics/howdoi/fiance.htm. If might be helpful if you haven''t already looked at it. Basically here''s an excerpt from it:


If your fiancé(e) is not a citizen of the United States and you plan to get married in the United States, then you must file a petition with USCIS on behalf of your fiancé(e). After the petition is approved, your fiancé(e) must obtain a visa issued at a U.S. Embassy or consulate abroad. The marriage must take place within 90 days of your fiancé(e) entering the United States. If the marriage does not take place within 90 days or your fiancé(e) marries someone other than you (the U.S. citizen filing USCIS Form I-129F - Petition for Alien Fiancé), your fiancé(e) will be required to leave the United States. Until the marriage takes place, your fiancé(e) is considered a nonimmigrant. A nonimmigrant is a foreign national seeking to temporarily enter the United States for a specific purpose. A fiancé(e) may not obtain an extension of the 90-day original nonimmigrant admission.


It goes on much longer as you can see on the website. Hope that''s helpful and good luck!

Thanks!

We''ve been all over the USCIS and the AMCITS sites with a fine toothed comb.

We''ve been researching and compiling all the forms for about five weeks now. It''s AMAZING how many forms there are... there is even a special form called a DS-157 that applicants applying specifically through the Toronto Consulate have to fill out!

The tricky thing about the proof is that we didn''t fly, and we stayed at one another''s apartments, so we have no hotel receipts or anything. Although... I suppose it might be worth it to stay at a motel nearby to get some proof he was here, although that might make them suspicious as to why we did that. The photo thing appears to be a bust, too, because it''s just too easy to tinker with them. Even photographing us with a newspaper won''t work, because the photo could be faked!

 

[TravelingGal]

I haven''t looked it over carefully, but here is a doc in Toronto (with Windsor and Montreal appts too)...

http://www.panelphysicians.com/Pages/Age6.htm

Also, here''s a good site for Canadians immigrating to the U.S. If you dig around, you may be able to find more...

http://www.visajourney.com/forums2/index.php?showtopic=65374

It really looks like an excellent forum thread with all kinds of support for Canadian expats.

Hope that helps...

 

[TravelingGal]

Along with photos, do you have any receipts/statements on credit/debit cards that were done while you were in Kentucky or while he was in Canada? At any restaurants that would show the location and part of that card number might help.

I''ll try to think of some other things, but really photos that look different from when you go into the interview (to show time) would be helpful.

 

[ladykemma]

what are your degrees, are they finished?

can you come on a student visa?

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/1/2006 10:01:28 PM
Author: ladykemma
what are your degrees, are they finished?


can you come on a student visa?

My degree (B.I.S: Bachelor of Independent Study) is almost finished, but I need to finish my thesis.

I had considered a student visa, because I have a pretty decent grade point average (I understand that helps a bit), but the main problem with that is cost. I really need to pay down my student debt before going on to school in Montreal (for theatre design). I can''t really afford to go into any more debt right now, especially considering how expensive university is in the US!

If I don''t pay off a large chunk of my loan before doing my next degree, I''ll be financially shooting myself in the foot before I ever get out of the gate, so to speak. In my field, you have to start small and work your way up, so my primary movitation after finishing my 2nd degree can''t be finding a lucrative job so I can pay off my loans.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/1/2006 9:03:30 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I haven't looked it over carefully, but here is a doc in Toronto (with Windsor and Montreal appts too)...


http://www.panelphysicians.com/Pages/Age6.htm


Also, here's a good site for Canadians immigrating to the U.S. If you dig around, you may be able to find more...


http://www.visajourney.com/forums2/index.php?showtopic=65374


It really looks like an excellent forum thread with all kinds of support for Canadian expats.


Hope that helps...

*prostrates herself* You may very well have just saved my sanity. Thank you so much.

Edit after digging through that site: You are my heroine.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/2/2006 1:34:40 AM
Author: Galateia

*prostrates herself* You may very well have just saved my sanity. Thank you so much.

LOL, no problem. Believe me, I am very sympathetic about the giant clusterf*ck that surrounds trying to get paperwork/medicals/policereports done to immigrate to this country.

BTW, please double check the doctor to make sure he is USCIS approved. I just found the site, but it doesn''t mean it''s valid. Keep snooping around visa forums...you should be able to find help there. It''s amazing how people really want to help others get through this nutty process.

 

[ladykemma]

if you are coming to houston, the university of houston has a theatre design/costuming program.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/2/2006 7:00:16 AM
Author: ladykemma
if you are coming to houston, the university of houston has a theatre design/costuming program.

Alas, no. I think Houston would have been an interesting place to live. He''ll be at Texas Tech, in Lubbock. Apparently it''s six hours from anywhere? But thank you for thinking of it. I did investigate TTU''s theatrical degrees, and am curious about their graduate degree in Theatre Arts. There is still the problem of cost, though. Do you know if tution is more expensive for international students than local ones in the US? It is here. International students pay at least five times as much as local students.

 

[galeteia]

TravellingGal, you have given me such a precious gift in the form of that visa journey website. It''s already answered 95% of my questions that the US consulate couldn''t, and that was just from the ''Please Read'' section. It''s the perfect resource. Thank you so much.

Update: My sweetie and I have had some heart-to-hearts the last few nights. We''ve acknowledged the reservations we have about how things are unfolding, and how scary it all is, but ultimately, we will do whatever we need to be together.

This means he will have to tell his parents when he goes back to KY, because we need his father to be a joint sponsor for me. (My FF is a grad student.)

That means yes, he hasn''t told his parents that he''s planning on marrying me. To be frank, they are quite freaked out by me, and are not going to be happy over the ''legal marriage now, church marriage later'' decision we''ve made, and they will probably try to use the joint-sponsor as leverage to either stall us or dictate how we get married.

We will deal with it when the time comes. They are good people, but they don''t understand their son and they don''t understand his choice of partner. I''m sure that in the fullness of time when they can see how much we love one another, they will come around.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Hi Galateia.

I don''t know anything about the process involved in moving to the U.S., but I was hoping you could explain *sponsor* to us. I don''t understand it and maybe there is an alternative to using his father, since you think it could be used to manipulate you guys in the future. That doesn''t sound like a healthy choice, but since I don''t know what a sponsor is or what requirements have to go into who is a sponsor, I was just hoping you could explain it to me, or us, whoever''s confused.

If it''s really complicated, don''t worry about it. I suppose I could look it up myself. There''s an idea!

Good luck in figuring everything out; and I''m glad you''ve decided the place where your guy lives isn''t so bad that it''ll prevent you from being together!

 

[oceanbeach]

Hi Galateia.

I have to comment on this one because I was(am) in the exactly same situation. Ifm Japanese citizen and my husband (yes, we just got married a month ago!

) is US citizen. I came to this country for school and stayed afterwards with H1-B visa. Ifve been on the visa for the last 7.5 years, so Ifm very familiar with the process of obtaining H1-B and green card, and also how particular immigration isc As you may know, they offer H1-B for 3 years initially, and another three year extension (rules could be different to each national though; this is at least to my case, Japanese citizen). Only reason that I can be still on H1-B visa is that I applied for green card 1 year prior to the 6th year H1-B visa expires. In this case, immigration let me extend the H1-B visa after 6 years for the reason that my green card application is pending. Anyway, if you want to know more about H1-B visa, let me know; I will tell you about my case as well as the cases of my coworker, Canadian citizen, and my friend, Korean citizen.

So, the reason for us decided to go ahead and get married now was to gain a freedom in choosing a job. Being under H1B visa and green card application pending with my current employer, I have no choice, but to stay with the company until I get a green card. Ifve been waiting for the green card for the last 3 years now, but itfs not even at its second stage yet. My lawyer told me that it usually takes 4-6 years now. I still like my job somewhat, but there are times that I really want to explore other opportunities out there because I feel that Ifm not compensated fully for what I do. Also, my work is far from home, which is making my school (Ifm working on my MBA at night) commute longer etc. Wefve talked about getting married on paper for a while because of this reason before too, but it took us for a while to finally come to the decision. Yes, it is a big decision.

You said that you both know that you want to get married, so I really feel that you should go for it. It makes life much easier for you two. Ifve done long distance relationship in the past too, but it really sucks; I hated it. But, I do stress that you make sure thatfs what you both want, and not to get married just because want to be together right now. A couple of my friends who did that ended up regretting it a big time.

gI wish we could just live together and take the time before we get engaged, and then get married.h
I know exactly how you feel! I did thought about the same thing; I wanted to be engaged first and then get married (we were already living together though). But, now Ifm realizing that it really doesnft matter! As long as we love each other and have a happy life together (with our dog too!)

, thatfs all it matters to mecnothing else really matters. Other things are just a form of things.

We just got married at city hall with his parent being there. It was still very nice, and we are very happy now. At the beginning, we were thinking of not telling anyone else because we were thinking of having another ceremony/reception next spring, so I wanted to make it more meaningful. But, after we got married, we were like gthere is really nothing to hide, isnft it?! Itfs a great thing that we got married.h So, we decided to tell everyone. Everyone was very nice congratulating us. : ) Our original plan was to get engaged this fall and get married next spring. Now we got married this spring, and will still get engaged this fall (hahac I know itfs silly, but I want him to ask me to marry him on his knees.), and have its reception party next spring. We may also renew our vow then too. There may have been some people who were against how we did, but I really donft care. Itfs them and it doesnft affect our happiness.

Sorry for the long post, but I really wanted to share my experience with you. Hopefully this is helpful to you. Ifm sure things will work out the best for you too. Good luck!!

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/4/2006 8:11:03 AM
Author: fisherofmengirly
Hi Galateia.


I don''t know anything about the process involved in moving to the U.S., but I was hoping you could explain *sponsor* to us. I don''t understand it and maybe there is an alternative to using his father, since you think it could be used to manipulate you guys in the future. That doesn''t sound like a healthy choice, but since I don''t know what a sponsor is or what requirements have to go into who is a sponsor, I was just hoping you could explain it to me, or us, whoever''s confused.


If it''s really complicated, don''t worry about it. I suppose I could look it up myself. There''s an idea!


Good luck in figuring everything out; and I''m glad you''ve decided the place where your guy lives isn''t so bad that it''ll prevent you from being together!

I don''t mind explaining the sponsor thing at all It boils down to this:

In order to be eligible to petition to bring in a foreign fiancee, your US fiance must make at least 125% of the poverty level for your anticipated household. In our case, because I have no kids I''m bringing with me, is a 2 person household: me and him. Based on the most recent census information, that means he needs to have almost $14,000 in income.

If for whatever reason, your fiance doesn''t make enough money (i.e. my FF doesn''t have income because he''s going to school on scholarships) they must secure a ''joint sponsor'' who will fill out a supplemental form.

Where it really gets tricky is that your joint sponsor can''t just top off the remaining income your fiance needs, s/he must make 125% above poverty level for their entire household, INCLUDING you, which bumps it up a fair bit if they already have dependents.

In my case, it will be my FFIL. He has to make over 125% of poverty line for a 5 person household: him, his wife, FF, his younger brother, and me.

If his grandfather was still alive (he passed away shortly before meeting me-- the first time I met his family was for the service

) he could have easily sponsored me because he had significant assets and no dependents. Alas! By all accounts, he and I would have gotten along like two peas in a pod.

Does that help?

 

[galeteia]

Thank you for sharing your story, oceanbeach.

First off, congratulations on your recent marriage! It''s good to know that the H1-B locks you into your job-- that could have caused problems if we had gone that route, because he''s going to have to relocate for the year of his internship anyway. If by some miracle I was able to get a job at such a distance, I couldn''t be too choosy about where I worked. It would be awful to be dependent on a position I was miserable in.

I agree that it''s important that we already know we want to get married, as opposed to just being ''together right now''. We tell ourselves that we''re just speeding things up a little... it''s inevitable that we''ll marry, what''s the harm in having a piece of paper that says so, if it greases the wheels of bureaucracy?

I will cling to this in the future as my FMIL tries to steamroller us into a hurried church marriage so her friends won''t cluck in dissapproval.

If it''s one thing that pricescope has taught me (aside for what to look for in a diamond) is that weddings are EXPENSIVE. I knew they were pricey, but I had no idea just HOW pricey they were. I think that weddings should be like diamonds: bought with ''cash only'' funds, not financing. I''d like to have some time to save up some $$ for my wedding, and plan it at my leisure. After all, I''m a designer by trade: I''m going to take a page out of aphiglovessae''s (sp?) book and DIY a lot of the stuff. It will give me something to do while my hubby works late into the night!

 

[oceanbeach]

You are welcome, and thank you!

I want to clarify one thing about H1-B visa. The reason that Ifm locked into my current job is that my green card application is pending with my employer and this is only reason that I can still extend my H1-B visa. Since I have already used up 6 years of H1-B visa, I cannot get another job with H1-B visa.

But, if you are on H1-B visa (within the 6 years), then you can find another job as long as you can find another employer who is willing to support for you. As you know, it is much harder to find a job when you need a H1-B supported though, but it is possible. I was with another employer for the first 4 years too, and got the current job after that. My friend who is a Korean citizen has changed jobs about four times now (H1-B visa status). One of my co-worker is a Canadian, and this is his second company to work for under H1-B visa as well. Both of them hold a marketing position which can be fulfilled by any US citizen (no special skills required, such as foreign language etc). So, you should be able to get another job, but I think it may be a bit harder than people who doesn't need H1-B visa support.

Hope this is clear. : )

 

[galeteia]

Oh god.

*kisses any hope of e-ring goodbye*

The hidden costs of immigration just keep racking up. I have no idea how we are going to manage this. I live in an area with a job market from hell (too many overqualified people, not enough jobs) and am lucky to have the job I do, even if I''m chronically underemployed.

Unbelievable. I''m in shock. There has been lots of crying in the last 12 hours... I think we''re going to have to go begging to his parents to loan us the money for this, and then they''ll have us over a barrel. Ugh. Just the thought of asking them for money makes me feel ill, not because their unkind people, but just the thought of not being self-sufficient. I HATE owing people money. I''ve always lived by the maxim "If you can''t afford it, don''t do it".

My mother said I need to remember this is an ''affair of the heart'' not something to be ''measured by dollars and cents'' and she''s right. There is no way I am giving up on us, but dang if my pocketbook doesn''t just refuse to make things possible for me!

I just needed to get that off my chest.