Feeling a little disappointed

[junebug17]

MC: Oh yeah, I've switched gears and will definitely not be bringing this ring up as a Christmas present - I could use a few sweaters/tops, so I'll suggest that.

Part-gypsy: I agree, I should just speak up. I've known this man since I was 16, for goodness sake! Seems so silly to feel shy about talking to him. So strange for him to be so gung-ho, and then back off.

Tammy: Thanks, you've made some good suggestions! I laughed about your dh spending as much on presents as the thing you originally wanted! To tell you the truth, we go through this every year - he'll ask me what I want, I'll say nothing (I can never think of anything), then he'll say "well, I've got to get you something!"

 

[junebug17]

Junebug I am over 50 also and as others have said there is nothing wrong with wanting a nice piece of jewelry if your budget allows. You deserve something special now and then. But I think communication is the key here. After 34 years of marriage I have learned to be direct about what I want. Don't assume that your husband understands what you are feeling. For a more expensive item sometimes it is good to sit down and discuss finances and the timing of your purchases. It may not be romantic but it keeps you from having unrealistic expectations and being disappointed. Good luck!

Sundial, you're absolutely right - I really don't think my husband understands how disappointed I was. He's not a mind-reader, and even though he knows I would really love an antique ring, I don't think he knows how excited I am at the prospect. And I agree that for such an expensive purchase, we should sit down and have more of a conversation about it.

 

[junebug17]

Like you I've been married for 27 years, so part of me feels I deserve special things. The other part of me tells myself I am so blessed to have what I have and to stop wanting more. And if my husband said yes then back peddaled I'd be disappointed too. If you have to wait a bit longer to get your dream oec ring it will just make it more exciting when you do finally get it. The anticipation, looking for and planning can be half the fun.

MyDiamondSparkles, this is a great post. The bolded lines are exactly how I feel. Thanks for your supportive words.

 

[junebug17]

i'd tell him i can wait because it is a huge amount until the date [february] that he mentioned and that he did not need to get me anything but his presence for my christmas present. it does sound like he did commit to getting it, just not for 12/25. i'm betting that would warm his heart and you would get a reaffirmation that he did in fact commit to a february purchase. win/win in my book.

Awwww, I understand! I love Movie Zombie's idea. So smart! So brilliant!

Me, I'm pretty direct with DH so if he asked what I wanted for Christmas, I would respond with "You know!" Ha, I'd even make it a silly joke between us by printing out pics of the ring and taping it to his coffee mug to find in the morning, winking while waggling my RHR finger at him in a silly moment or preening with my "invisible" OEC ring to make him laugh and etc. But I'm a practical jokester, so that's just me! Anyway, you shouldn't feel guilty unless finances are truly a concern. He can always say no or discuss it with you if he has a real reason for waiting. And Feb/March is so close! Maybe something amaaaaazing will pop up on the OEC market and it will have all been for a cosmic reason.

Thanks Bliss! You know, you have a point - maybe the ring of my dreams will surface in the next few months! They say things always happen for a reason.

 

[yssie]

No advice June, just a ::HUG:: from me! I hope you feel better after your conversation

 

[junebug17]

Junebug...this never fails...

here's what you tell hubby....either i upgrade my ring or i will upgrade the husband

Hehe, you know DF, it might be worth a shot!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Junebug...this never fails...

here's what you tell hubby....either i upgrade my ring or i will upgrade the husband

Hehe, you know DF, it might be worth a shot!

guarantee or your money back...

 

[minousbijoux]

Junebug; thanks for having the courage to share this thread. I know that I'd feel disappointed in that situation too, but it is really complicated.

You have been married for a long time and in those years, reading between the lines, you have mutually supported each other, and been generous and sharing with each other. If you're like most of us, there is a lot of emotional baggage that can be attached to an expensive ring (e.g., is it selfish of me? would the $ be better spent on something else more practical, or something that would benefit both of us like a vacation?) So when your husband asked, and you somewhat sheepishly told the truth (good for you!) and to your surprise, he supported you, it must have felt like you didn't need to drag along all that baggage. The minute he started to hedge (or maybe its just the way you interpreted it?) all that baggage started marching right back in (I know, a lot of mixed metaphors here - sorry).

I wish that you could find the right time and setting to tell him how you feel - that it is a little hard for you to say, but that you really would like a special ring to celebrate the ongoing commitment you've made, BUT you want to make sure he is completely comfortable and happy with the idea and you don't want to get the ring until he is comfortable, because the last thing you want is to get something that you think is special if he doesn't feel comfortable, or wouldn't be proud of it and wouldn't be happy for you.

I can say all this because I come from a different place. I was married for close to 20 years (have been happily divorced for 5). When we married, I did not receive an engagement ring. I always wanted a high quality sapphire ring, but other things were more pressing. He encouraged me to buy a ring, but while we were "getting by" it felt like a luxury when you considered all the other things we could do with the funds. So we bought a house. Then we fixed up the house. Then we had a baby. Then another baby. And all the way along, he said that if I really wanted the ring, I should get it. But its hard when you are in a couple, because you want to share - you don't want to come across as selfish and you certainly don't want it misconstrued that you think a ring is more important than [fill in the blank here. In my case, how could I spend that money when we had day care costs? What about the fact that we hadn't saved enough for college yet? Its this kind of thinking that at least in my case kept me from having a ring and any serious jewelry for my whole entire marriage.

So then we went our separate ways and something very interesting happened. I still had the same expenses as before, but it was on me alone to pay for them. I realized that I could be as frugal and responsible as I wanted or as carefree and flagrant in spending as I wanted. I had no one to answer to except myself. And guess what? I started buying jewelry without guilt! Really, really nice sapphires, rings, earrings. I love them to pieces and feel like I have "earned' them all. I also know that if I stop along the way to buy something nice for myself, I can trust myself to do the best I can to pay for college when that time comes.

So I offer this as a slightly different perspective and to support you by saying that I think its harder to navigate when you are trying to balance your autonomy and needs with the needs of the relationship.

I would definitely try and gently tell him how you feel and second MoZo's approach of getting a timeline.

Good luck!

 

[Amys Bling]

Maisie: I suppose I could just buy it for myself, but I don't think I'd be able to enjoy it if he wasn't in agreement with the purchase - and you're absolutely right, I will certainly talk to him about this - it's going to eat at me if I don't! The reason he' prefer to wait is that he will be receiving his bonus sometime in Feb. and was planning on using that money. An alternative would be to use funds from a savings account and then replenish it when he receives his bonus. By his own admission it really doesn't make much difference, but I guess after thinking about it he'd rather wait.

yennyfire: Thanks for your comments! Now that I've had time to think about it, I'm (almost) over most of my disappointment and am ok with waiting a few months - and I agree that as long as we can comfortably afford something like this, I should just relax and allow myself to enjoy something special.

MissGotRocks: You make good points - and I really do need to stop feeling so guilty for wanting a special piece of jewelry. And you're right, my husband would most likely prefer I'm upfront about these types of things! In fact, he'll probably be surprised to hear I've been having such angst over this.

Luv2sparkle: Thanks for understanding, it helps! It crossed my mind for about 2 seconds that he might surprise me, but I haven't made a final decision so he wouldn't know which ring to get.

Laurie: Sigh, I guess there's usually a good dose of guilt mixed in with joy when it comes to these jewelry purchases! I would think my husband must know how important this is to me because of the fact of how excited I got as we were talking about it, so I don't think he'd change his mind. I'm going to double-check on that, though!

Distracts: I totally get how you feel, and I think it's very understandable. Thanks for the empathy!

Totally agree- when I really want something, I have guilt if I just buy it for myself (never something as much as 10K, but I feel bad for spending $500 on something I really want). For some reason, at least for me, whatever it is I really wanted is enjoyed more and brings more pleasure if DH bought it and gave it to me as opposed to me just going out and doing it on my own.

 

[junebug17]

Minousbijoux and Amysbling: I think part of the reason I was so excited was that my husband seemed so supportive of me getting the ring that it alleviated the guilt feelings about the purchase - so yes, I really don't want to get it if he's not behind it - half the fun is him being excited and proud about it! When he didn't mention the ring again, I assumed he was no longer supportive and that really added to my disappointment.

I'm ashamed to admit this, but I think it was maisie who mentioned I might start feeling resentful...and I'm not proud of this, but I am feeling a bit resentful towards him over this. I know -it's irrational but I can't seem to help it. Crazy. So I really do have to talk with him about it so that I can get rid of these negative feelings one way or the other, because it's very unpleasant and I'm really upset with myself for feeling this way.

I'm definitely making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be, so I'm just going to talk to him over the weekend.

Geez, I was going to start a thread asking peoples' opinions about different rings I've come across so far, and now I'm really glad I didn't. Hopefully I'll be able to do that at some point.

 

[pregcurious]

Junebug, I totally get it. You wanted your husband to do something just for you, that was really special, even if he didn't understand it. I really hope you get to post those rings, or get to a peaceful place about it. I have similar issues and sometimes wish I didn't like jewelry so much.

 

[minousbijoux]

I can't wait until you've had a chance to talk it out with him and (hopefully) realize it was all a big understanding and you (together) go get you a new sparkly...

 

[junebug17]

I can't wait until you've had a chance to talk it out with him and (hopefully) realize it was all a big understanding and you (together) go get you a new sparkly...

Thanks MB! I hope I can be back soon with ring ideas!

 

[junebug17]

Junebug, I totally get it. You wanted your husband to do something just for you, that was really special, even if he didn't understand it. I really hope you get to post those rings, or get to a peaceful place about it. I have similar issues and sometimes wish I didn't like jewelry so much.

Thank you pregcurious, you are very kind!

 

[Stone Hunter]

I know this is a very OLD thread but I've found it to be very helpful. I recently read an article about women feeling more guilt about buying things than men do. I think it's true for me personally and I appreciate all your comments even though they are from years ago.

 

[JmeeMrie]

I'll apologize in advance for the pity party I'm throwing for myself right now. Ugh, I hate myself for how I'm feeling, but I can't seem to help it. I guess my husband was in a really, really good mood during the Thanksgiving break - he saw I was on the bling blog and asked very jovially "So what's your next diamond purchase going to be?" my reaction -> . I'm not very proud of my response, unfortunately. I mumbled something about what I wanted being too expensive (what a brat), and he kept pressing me about how expensive, and I just became extremely embarrassed but somehow a budget of $10,000 finally came out. (the piece I have my heart set on is an antique oec ring with a large stone...da*m this DSS!) He mentioned something about getting it for me for Christmas, and again my response -> . So I happily started looking at antique oec rings on various sites, including Burk's gorgeous ring, over in the pre-loved section. I won't lie - it was a lot of fun! Well, several days later the hubs back-pedals a bit and says he might feel more comfortable waiting until the beginning of next year (Feb-March). I say "fine, no problem, I understand" and I totally do, because this is a big purchase. Although, if I'm being honest, I did feel a little disappointed. And then he says "well, on the other hand, no real reason to wait, we'll see." Again, I say fine. He just asked me this evening what I wanted for Christmas, so I take that to mean he's decided not to give me the ring for Christmas.

I couldn't help but feel a little let-down and disappointed, like someone let the air out of me. Talk about mixed emotions. Honestly, I understand that this is a big expense. I was having intermittent guilt feelings about the purchase even as I was gleefully browsing the web in search of a ring. But at the same time I can't help feeling a little...deflated. Objectively, it's far from the end of the world to wait a few months. But to tell you the truth, I feel so weird about the whole thing right now I might just give up on it. I'm sensing my husband's good mood has faded and he might be having second thoughts about such a big jewelry purchase. I guess I could talk to him about it (makes sense, after 27 years of marriage you'd think that wouldn't be a problem) but I feel oddly embarrassed and uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Well, thanks if you've made it this far, and for listening...I hate myself, and feel so guilty, for being bummed about something like this, when there are others dealing with much more serious issues. I guess that's the conundrum of this whole jewelry thing, isn't it?

Two things that came to mind... perhaps he wants to throw you off for more impact? But try not to expect that though. I once thought my fi was buying me some kind of jewelry because he mentioned etsy, so I ended up being disappointed with the completely thoughtful gift he got me which he still thinks I hate. I felt like an ass.

 

[JmeeMrie]

Two things that came to mind... perhaps he wants to throw you off for more impact? But try not to expect that though. I once thought my fi was buying me some kind of jewelry because he mentioned etsy, so I ended up being disappointed with the completely thoughtful gift he got me which he still thinks I hate. I felt like an ass.

Ps just realized how old this post was and it got brought up in new posts bc someone commented on it haha

 

[junebug17]

Lol, yes, this is a blast from the past! The story had a happy ending though, I ended up getting the diamond - to be honest I'm a little embarrassed now by this thread! Everybody was very understanding and helpful though.

 

[partgypsy]

(warning, hijack) Wow time has gone by. I also have the pleasure/guilt thing about purchasing jewelry for myself. And you can read my story below, that since posting in 2011, I am no longer married, and do not have a ring from that marriage.
In 2014 my anniversary ring went missing. I replaced with with something less expensive, that I didn't care for as much. (Hindsight I should have cooled my heels). Many months later found the anniversary ring (a mystery...) . I loved that ring. But I couldn't recoup all the money on selling the replacement, and by then we decided to have our youngest go to a private school for her learning difficulties. So, I "took one for the team" and returned the ring rather than paying back the insurer. I felt, we are married, we share the good and the bad, and when times are better I could get a ring then! About a year, year and half later ex hubby insisted on replacing the ring. He did the insisting. I was fine waiting. I got something different but beautiful. It was for our 20th anniversary. As I got it a month or so before the anniversary, waited to start wear it until we celebrated our anniversary. And - 2 weeks before our anniversary my husband gives me the dear Jane talk. Needless to say despite the beauty of the ring I never wore it, and sold it. Maybe I should have sat on the ring and kept it, but at the time I had such bad feelings whenever I looked at it I didn't want it.

Still don't have a ring.

I did buy a beautiful half carat diamond last year. I plan on having it set into a right hand ring. It won't have the same feeling and history as my anniversary ring, but I am looking forward to having a ring of my own, no baggage included! It has taken me a long time to get to feeling OK about this.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Lol, yes, this is a blast from the past! The story had a happy ending though, I ended up getting the diamond - to be honest I'm a little embarrassed now by this thread! Everybody was very understanding and helpful though.

So you took my advice and upgraded the husband?

 

[foxinsox]

Lol, yes, this is a blast from the past! The story had a happy ending though, I ended up getting the diamond - to be honest I'm a little embarrassed now by this thread! Everybody was very understanding and helpful though.

Why ever be embarrassed? You had completely valid feelings and it was a super interesting and insightful discussion to read through. Thank for being brave enough to bring it up in the first place. Women’s feelings about things that are solely for them and not “useful” are so often minimised and invalidated but they’re really important.

 

[MarionC]

June, I loved reading this thread, getting to know you a little better, but wondered about your reaction to the past appearing in the present.
In any event, a happy ending, so a great story and inspiring to remember in the disappointment of the momement “this too shall pass”!

 

[junebug17]

So you took my advice and upgraded the husband?

@Dancing Fire!

Same husband...he just eventually got over his sticker shock

 

[junebug17]

June, I loved reading this thread, getting to know you a little better, but wondered about your reaction to the past appearing in the present.
In any event, a happy ending, so a great story and inspiring to remember in the disappointment of the momement “this too shall pass”!

Honestly @Jimmianne , my first reaction to it was to cringe a little! I feel a bit silly now going on about such a first world problem. I guess I had a bad case of diamond fever at the time lol.

 

[junebug17]

(warning, hijack) Wow time has gone by. I also have the pleasure/guilt thing about purchasing jewelry for myself. And you can read my story below, that since posting in 2011, I am no longer married, and do not have a ring from that marriage.
In 2014 my anniversary ring went missing. I replaced with with something less expensive, that I didn't care for as much. (Hindsight I should have cooled my heels). Many months later found the anniversary ring (a mystery...) . I loved that ring. But I couldn't recoup all the money on selling the replacement, and by then we decided to have our youngest go to a private school for her learning difficulties. So, I "took one for the team" and returned the ring rather than paying back the insurer. I felt, we are married, we share the good and the bad, and when times are better I could get a ring then! About a year, year and half later ex hubby insisted on replacing the ring. He did the insisting. I was fine waiting. I got something different but beautiful. It was for our 20th anniversary. As I got it a month or so before the anniversary, waited to start wear it until we celebrated our anniversary. And - 2 weeks before our anniversary my husband gives me the dear Jane talk. Needless to say despite the beauty of the ring I never wore it, and sold it. Maybe I should have sat on the ring and kept it, but at the time I had such bad feelings whenever I looked at it I didn't want it.

Still don't have a ring.

I did buy a beautiful half carat diamond last year. I plan on having it set into a right hand ring. It won't have the same feeling and history as my anniversary ring, but I am looking forward to having a ring of my own, no baggage included! It has taken me a long time to get to feeling OK about this.

@partgypsy, I have been reading your posts and I know you have been going through a very difficult period in your life - it has obviously been very hard for you and you have been deeply hurt. I admire you for the strength, courage, and maturity you have shown throughout the whole ordeal. I have been wanting to tell you that for a while now. You are amazing. I am sending support and lots of hugs to you as you continue to make your way through this tough time.

I remember you posting about how your ex encouraged you to get a ring, and I am so sorry about how things turned out. I am thrilled that you have treated yourself to a diamond and I can't wait to see it set and on your finger! You deserve a pretty sparkly after all you have been through, and it will not have any bad vibes connected to it so you will be able to enjoy it in peace and comfort. I also can't wait to see pics of your new kitchen!

 

[partgypsy]

Yes, I am excited about my kitchen as well! I have a guy friend who has been a huge help with it. We have been seeing each other, but in a very light way. And honestly I need time as a single person right now. I have been bowled over with kindnesses from various people and friends during the past 2 years and in a way my world is larger than it was the last few years of my marriage. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Calliecake]

Part Gypsy, I’m sorry things have been so hard for you. You deserve something that makes you happy without having bad memories associated with it. I can’t wait to see your new ring.

 

[PintoBean]

Lol, yes, this is a blast from the past! The story had a happy ending though, I ended up getting the diamond - to be honest I'm a little embarrassed now by this thread! Everybody was very understanding and helpful though.

You're so cute! Don't be embarrassed! Feelings are called feelings bc they're not always rational. why is everyone so understanding? BC we've all felt like this before.

 

[partgypsy]

Thank you. In May i impulsively bought a gold and diamond band from my favorite jeweler. It is beautiful but it's not the "bling" I am dreaming of. However today I needed to buy a dishwasher for the remodel (hopefully the last big expense for the kitchen). So, unless I can get some sales on pieces, or can source a very inexpensive setting (my dream setting for the moment is a two stone setting, for a 5.1 mm round and a 6 x 4 oval), the ring will have to wait.
Wish me sparkle dust on sales : )

 

[junebug17]

You're so cute! Don't be embarrassed! Feelings are called feelings bc they're not always rational. why is everyone so understanding? BC we've all felt like this before.

@PintoBean, absolutely - my fellow diamond lovers totally got it!