Ex-friend reached out to me, don''t know if I should respond

[fieryred33143]

I know a lot of you don''t post/read BWW so a quick run-down on what happened (original thread here):

~I did everything for her for her wedding
~Last week or so I wasn''t there as much as she wanted me to be so she yelled/cursed me out at the rehearsal dinner
~We stopped being friends

After the whole rehearsal dinner fiasco, I sent her an email because I needed closure. She has treated me like complete crap over the years and I''ve never said anything. I knew the friendship was coming to an end and I wanted to have my final words. The email wasn''t mean at all but I did tell her that what she did to me was unacceptable. She sent an email back that was probably 100 times more horrible than cursing me out in front of her guests and we sort of left things like that. That was right before Christmas.

Today I get an email from her that says:

I need to go see my Dad (he isn’t doing well…) and I am stressed because I cant afford a measly 250 dollar round trip ticket for this trip, not to mention the 250-400 dollar ticket I will have to buy ASAP when he really goes down hill (if you know what I mean).

I don’t do well with death…not that anyone does…and I am not doing well with the idea that my dad will be dead before the year is done… and most likely before my next birthday…

Life pretty much sucks and it’s hard to get out of bed every morning. I need my friend.

I don''t know what to do. I know she has had a really hard time with her father. He left them when she was 5, tried to come back in her life around 25 but she wouldn''t have it, and then last year (almost 10 years later) she finally decided to give him a chance. So I know she''s hurting. At the same time, I''m so tired of always being her shoulder. Nowhere on there does it say ''how are you? how have you been? Can we talk about what happened?" No, just "I need you." That''s so typical of her. I haven''t responded yet because I don''t know if I want to start down that emotional mess with her again.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Umm...I''d politely express sympathy for her dad''s condition but leave it at that. This girl sounds SERIOUSLY mentally unstable, it doesn''t sound like she has changed or even apologized since the wedding fiasco, and its not worth your mental health to get involved again.

 

[iheartscience]

Don't respond. You're not her friend-you're her whipping girl.

She's said and done horrible things to you and she never even apologized. If this was an e-mail BEGGING for forgiveness and telling you she realized how horrible she had been, I would might have a different answer.

But it's not-it's all about HER. Again.

Edited to change crossed out word.

 

[blackpolkadot]

Date: 1/16/2009 11:43:33 AM
Author: thing2of2
Don''t respond. You''re not her friend-you''re her whipping girl.


She''s said and done horrible things to you and she never even apologized. If this was an e-mail BEGGING for forgiveness and telling you she realized how horrible she had been, I would might have a different answer.


But it''s not-it''s all about HER. Again.


Edited to change crossed out word.

Ditto.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/16/2009 11:43:33 AM
Author: thing2of2
Don't respond. You're not her friend-you're her whipping girl.


She's said and done horrible things to you and she never even apologized. If this was an e-mail BEGGING for forgiveness and telling you she realized how horrible she had been, I would might have a different answer.


But it's not-it's all about HER. Again.


Edited to change crossed out word.

Agreed. This email is very self-centered and still all about her. Not one word about how you are, apologizing for her behavior, or asking you how your pregnancy is going. She hasn't changed and obviously hasn't learned anything here. She's even expressing her sadness at her father's death in an extremely self-centered way by saying he'll be gone before her next birthday! What is that about?

 

[disneybride]

Nope nope nope I would NOT let her suck me back in. Death happens, it''s tragic but part of life, but it''s also tragic that this girl is a fairweather friend who only reaches out in a time of crisis. I''m not even sure I''d respond to the e-mail at all because anything you say back is going to cause her to lash out. The only thing she wants to hear is that you''re at her beck-and-call, anything short of that will just cause her to blow up and make you feel like crap. I really, really wouldn''t do it.

 

[Sabine]

Awe, Fiery, don''t let her draw you back in. This one-sided friendship has gone on long enough. It sounds to me like she is almost asking for money in that email. I wouldn''t respond, but if you feel you have to I would express sympathy but again reiterate that you don''t really have an interest in continuing to be her friend. I''m so sorry she''s putting you in this spot.

 

[EricaR]

Date: 1/16/2009 11:54:38 AM
Author: Sabine
Awe, Fiery, don''t let her draw you back in. This one-sided friendship has gone on long enough. It sounds to me like she is almost asking for money in that email. I wouldn''t respond, but if you feel you have to I would express sympathy but again reiterate that you don''t really have an interest in continuing to be her friend. I''m so sorry she''s putting you in this spot.

That is EXACTLY how I read it. It sounds like she is trying to soften you up, lure you back in, and if you responded I''d bet that her next email would be a plea for money.

 

[geckodani]

I agree. While it sucks that she is having a hard time - she has treated you horribly, is an emotional vampire, and you don''t need to go down that road again. ((HUGS))

 

[fieryred33143]

Thanks for the responses.

I know the whole thing sounds so juvenielle. Every time I hear from her, talk to her, or think about her I feel like I''m back in high school and she''s 9 years older than I am.

I feel for her. I really do. I know how it feels like to realize you are losing a parent. I know its hard and I don''t want to be insensitive.

But Dani described her best. She''s an emotional vampire. And I know that if I do respond, if the email isn''t sympathetic or sincere enough, if I don''t offer to go see her and be with her, she''ll call me out on it.

I''m just going to sit on it for a little while and see if and how I should respond.

 

[Haven]

I know it must be hard for you to not respond to that email, Fiery, because you are a sweet and compassionate person. However, I have to agree with the other posters, this girl is trouble.

Offering your sympathy yet keeping your distance in an email seems like the best way to go. Sorry you''re (still) dealing with this.

 

[disneybride]

LOL Dani, that''s a perfect phrase for her.

 

[cammy85]

After hearing your wise input on my "End of Friendship" post, I figured I''d chime in here. I agree with the other posters that it almost sounds like she wants you to give her money. I also think that her emails sound very similar to the friend I was describing in my post that you said to let it go. She sounds like she is trying to draw you back in, and try to act like nothing happened at her wedding.

You said youself that

It’s been a month since everything went down and I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I have some “me” time back. I used to spend the entire day emailing her about what was going on in her life, talking to her on the phone on the way home, and when I was home she would sometimes come over to continue talking…never once asking ‘how are you, fiery?’ And because I was spending so much time with her I barely had time for any of my other friends. Now I’m building stronger friendships with them and they are actually interested in me and my life. It’s kind of nice.

I know you may be hard not to reach out, but I really think she is trying to draw you in again. You don''t need it. Remind yourself why this "friendship" fizzled in the first place, it was all about her. It always was. She never asked how you were, her phone called were always centered around her life and her issues.

I feel like it''s an example of "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

You know what her friendship is like. Do you really want to go back to that?

 

[movie zombie]

just because a door opens doesn''t mean you have to walk through it.

she had unrealistic expectations of you and she''s already making comments that i think will lead to asking your for $.

movie zombie

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/16/2009 11:40:26 AM
Author:fieryred33143


I know a lot of you don't post/read BWW so a quick run-down on what happened (original thread here):

~I did everything for her for her wedding
~Last week or so I wasn't there as much as she wanted me to be so she yelled/cursed me out at the rehearsal dinner
~We stopped being friends

After the whole rehearsal dinner fiasco, I sent her an email because I needed closure. She has treated me like complete crap over the years and I've never said anything. I knew the friendship was coming to an end and I wanted to have my final words. The email wasn't mean at all but I did tell her that what she did to me was unacceptable. She sent an email back that was probably 100 times more horrible than cursing me out in front of her guests and we sort of left things like that. That was right before Christmas.

Today I get an email from her that says:

I need to go see my Dad (he isn’t doing well…) and I am stressed because I cant afford a measly 250 dollar round trip ticket for this trip, not to mention the 250-400 dollar ticket I will have to buy ASAP when he really goes down hill (if you know what I mean).

I don’t do well with death…not that anyone does…and I am not doing well with the idea that my dad will be dead before the year is done… and most likely before my next birthday…

Life pretty much sucks and it’s hard to get out of bed every morning. I need my friend.

I don't know what to do. I know she has had a really hard time with her father. He left them when she was 5, tried to come back in her life around 25 but she wouldn't have it, and then last year (almost 10 years later) she finally decided to give him a chance. So I know she's hurting. At the same time, I'm so tired of always being her shoulder. Nowhere on there does it say 'how are you? how have you been? Can we talk about what happened?' No, just 'I need you.' That's so typical of her. I haven't responded yet because I don't know if I want to start down that emotional mess with her again.

Again, she "needs" you. Heck, my biggest issue, and that she didn't even try apoligizing?!? She sends you an email chewing you out, and then the next email is allllll about her. What about everything that you have been doing in the last month? I would write her back and send your condolences to her father, but you finally stood up to her, and got that toxic relationship out of your life. Don't let her burn you again.

 

[Burk]

I agree with the others. She didn't even apologize for her ridiculous behavior! I would probably respond expressing sympathy and that's it. Sorry you're having to go through this!

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 1/16/2009 12:19:41 PM
Author: movie zombie
just because a door opens doesn''t mean you have to walk through it.

she had unrealistic expectations of you and she''s already making comments that i think will lead to asking your for $.

movie zombie

Ditto.

 

[TravelingGal]

This girl is CRAH-ZEE! Unless you plan on sending her a one way ticket to the loony bin, don''t even bother.

She "needs" a shrink.

 

[BlueSki231]

I would respond with a link to yellow pages, with a listing of local counselors/therapists or hospice...

 

[TravelingGal]

And by the way, doesn''t she have a husband now? Have HIM kick her a$$ out of bed every f''ing morning!

 

[fieryred33143]

Cammy-thanks for the reminder. Getting her email, I instantly forgot how good it felt to not have to deal with that anymore.

T-gal, you crack me up.

I sent the email to FI to ask his opinion too and his reponse was:

Noooooo!
Don’t respond to her please!
We’re almost free of her!

LOL

 

[iheartscience]

Your fiancé is right! Don''t do it. I guarantee that you''ll regret it if you do.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/16/2009 12:54:21 PM
Author: fieryred33143
Cammy-thanks for the reminder. Getting her email, I instantly forgot how good it felt to not have to deal with that anymore.


T-gal, you crack me up.


I sent the email to FI to ask his opinion too and his reponse was:


Noooooo!

Don’t respond to her please!

We’re almost free of her!


LOL

Hehe. He''s a keeper. And SO RIGHT.

 

[geckodani]

Date: 1/16/2009 1:27:30 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 1/16/2009 12:54:21 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Cammy-thanks for the reminder. Getting her email, I instantly forgot how good it felt to not have to deal with that anymore.


T-gal, you crack me up.


I sent the email to FI to ask his opinion too and his reponse was:


Noooooo!

Don’t respond to her please!

We’re almost free of her!


LOL

Hehe. He''s a keeper. And SO RIGHT.

Definitely!

And the emotional vampire descroption comes from someone in my own past - and I''ve got to tell you, I made the tough decision to leave that so-called friendship, and I''ve never regretted it.

Friendships should be uplifting and supportive, not draining.

I hope it all works out for you!

 

[musey]

I had a similar situation with a toxic friend... she has been persistently trying to revive our friendship for almost a year now. I know it's really hard to not respond, especially right after getting the email.

What I did was write out a reply, click save draft, and force myself to wait to send it for at least 2 days. I went back after two days, re-read her email and my reply, and had ZERO DESIRE to send it. Nada. So I didn't. And after that, I was completely over it.

She kept contacting me right up to the wedding, and I haven't heard must of anything from her since. I think she was trying to score an invitation

 

[Tacori E-ring]

She sounds toxic. Seems like you are better off without her in your life.

 

[DiamanteBlu]

Oyyyy . . . sigh . . . Don''t give her any money.

She needs to get her crap together.

 

[geckodani]

Date: 1/16/2009 1:38:00 PM
Author: musey
I had a similar situation with a toxic friend... she has been persistently trying to revive our friendship for almost a year now. I know it''s really hard to not respond, especially right after getting the email.

What I did was write out a reply, click save draft, and force myself to wait to send it for at least 2 days. I went back after two days, re-read her email and my reply, and had ZERO DESIRE to send it. Nada. So I didn''t. And after that, I was completely over it.

She kept contacting me right up to the wedding, and I haven''t heard must of anything from her since. I think she was trying to score an invitation

People never cease to amaze me.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 1/16/2009 1:27:30 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 1/16/2009 12:54:21 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Cammy-thanks for the reminder. Getting her email, I instantly forgot how good it felt to not have to deal with that anymore.


T-gal, you crack me up.


I sent the email to FI to ask his opinion too and his reponse was:


Noooooo!

Don’t respond to her please!

We’re almost free of her!


LOL

Hehe. He''s a keeper. And SO RIGHT.

Yeah he is

He spent the last 20 minutes talking to me because he knows that its hard for me not to respond to a post like that.

On the money issue, despite how she''s been I''d be surprised if she asked me for money. She''s never asked me for money, not even $5.

I''ve tentatively decided not to respond. But I may just end up leaving an I''m sorry message and moving on. Don''t know...

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 1/16/2009 11:40:26 AM
Author:fieryred33143
I am not doing well with the idea that my dad will be dead before the year is done and most likely before my next birthday

This says it all ... "before my birthday". Still all about HER. Always will be. It may sound wholly heartless but my advice is: Do. Not. Respond. Sorry you''re going through this. It may be a while before you can shake her completely, but I assure you you''ll be happy you did.