Ever do something nice for someone but get shut down?

[Missy]

Yep. It was my birthday yesterday and I put a sweet note in hubby's briefcase saying how much I loved him. Went to work as usual - boss completely forgot. I got home. No suprises, no card, cake or flowers nothing. A very half-hearted offer to take me out to dinner at about 7pm. My sister sent me a text on the wrong date and then didnt even call. This is the 2nd year running I've bought my own present.... trying not to be totally selfish and cry right now. I do nice things for all my family. One day of the year that is special to me and they are too lazy to make an effort.

Awww, that sucks hotpozzum. Happy Belated Birthday!!! I am so sorry everyone forgot and I hope you bought yourself an awesome gift!
I think a heart to heart with your dh is in order so this doesn't happen again. My dh wouldn't survive forgetting my bday twice in a row I can tell you that. A little bit of tough love on this inconsiderate behavior is my vote. Anyway, you should have a celebration this weekend-call it your bday weekend and go out with your dh to an expensive and romantic restaurant. Hugs!!!

 

[Missy]

Yep. It was my birthday yesterday and I put a sweet note in hubby's briefcase saying how much I loved him. Went to work as usual - boss completely forgot. I got home. No suprises, no card, cake or flowers nothing. A very half-hearted offer to take me out to dinner at about 7pm. My sister sent me a text on the wrong date and then didnt even call. This is the 2nd year running I've bought my own present.... trying not to be totally selfish and cry right now. I do nice things for all my family. One day of the year that is special to me and they are too lazy to make an effort.

Oh, HotPozzum, I'm so sorry! Happy belated birthday to you!

I've found that my DH would be the same as yours if I didn't make it very clear to him that I appreciate being celebrated a bit on my birthday. He doesn't care much for his own birthday, and it took him a couple of years to figure out that I wanted something very different for mine. I hope you tell him how disappointed you are, and I hope he catches on that he needs to do better next year.

Haven, hope you had a great birthday celebration with your dh this year!

 

[Deactivated member 42515]

Yep. It was my birthday yesterday and I put a sweet note in hubby's briefcase saying how much I loved him. Went to work as usual - boss completely forgot. I got home. No suprises, no card, cake or flowers nothing. A very half-hearted offer to take me out to dinner at about 7pm. My sister sent me a text on the wrong date and then didnt even call. This is the 2nd year running I've bought my own present.... trying not to be totally selfish and cry right now. I do nice things for all my family. One day of the year that is special to me and they are too lazy to make an effort.

Oh no!!! Well happy belated birthday!! People suck yes, and that includes family that is supposed to love you! At least when you buy your own present, you get exactly what you want. Of course it's not about that but the thoughts.... You're not alone tho!! For the 6 years DH and I have been together I have never ever gotten a Christmas present from him. I always have gotten him something meaningful but never, nothing. Gifts for me are very very personal. I take extra care for each person I get something for. But DH's parents last yer gave me nothing and DH's sister gave me a candle.... A candle. A candle is fine because I love candles but every year she complains that I don't get her things that are name brand enough or expensive enough. So that year, I saved money and got her a Louis Vuitton scarf. And she got me a candle....

 

[JewelFreak]

Awww, Hot Pozzum & YayTacori -- not fair. Well, WE LOVE YOU & if we could give you presents, we definitely would. Happy wishes from us at PS to you both!

--- Laurie

 

[AmeliaG]

Yeah, that definitely sucks Hotpozzum. Hope you get things straightened out.

 

[rosetta]

Yep. It was my birthday yesterday and I put a sweet note in hubby's briefcase saying how much I loved him. Went to work as usual - boss completely forgot. I got home. No suprises, no card, cake or flowers nothing. A very half-hearted offer to take me out to dinner at about 7pm. My sister sent me a text on the wrong date and then didnt even call. This is the 2nd year running I've bought my own present.... trying not to be totally selfish and cry right now. I do nice things for all my family. One day of the year that is special to me and they are too lazy to make an effort.

Oh no!!! Well happy belated birthday!! People suck yes, and that includes family that is supposed to love you! At least when you buy your own present, you get exactly what you want. Of course it's not about that but the thoughts.... You're not alone tho!! For the 6 years DH and I have been together I have never ever gotten a Christmas present from him. I always have gotten him something meaningful but never, nothing. Gifts for me are very very personal. I take extra care for each person I get something for. But DH's parents last yer gave me nothing and DH's sister gave me a candle.... A candle. A candle is fine because I love candles but every year she complains that I don't get her things that are name brand enough or expensive enough. So that year, I saved money and got her a Louis Vuitton scarf. And she got me a candle....

Aw happy belated birthday HotP. And so not fair YayT.

I think gift giving can be a very emotive thing. I've never gotten a decent gift from my DH either he is terrible at it so I have to choose all my own gifts or I end up with nothing

 

[GliderPoss]

Thanks everyone. I just went to a meeting and another PA had bought me a cake! Feeling much more cheeful now (sugar high?).

Hubby didnt forget - he just tends to say something like "You know that thing/event 2 weeks ago? That can be your present". Sure I'm getting what I want (jewellery of course!) BUT it means nothing coz he didnt put any thought personally into it. I would have been happy with a sappy card or even servo flowers!

Boss was finally reminded by someone else - led tp super awkward convo where he lamely joked about how old and tired I looked (I'm not even 30 yet!)

I think I will wait a while then try to calmly have a convo with him about it. Dont want this for the rest of my life!

 

[Haven]

Good approach, HotPozzum! Definitely talk to DH about it when you're ready.

If it makes you feel any better, we don't acknowledge or celebrate people's birthdays at work. It doesn't bother me one bit if nobody else in the world remembers, as long as my DH does!

ETA: Thanks, Missy! I did have a good birthday this year. I actually don't remember what, exactly, we did, but I remember it was nice and I felt loved.

 

[Maria D]

This thread needs an uplifting story.

This happened locally last summer. An 8 year-old girl found a purse with over $4000 in it at Sam's Club while shopping with her family. They did the right thing, and did NOT get shut down. Exactly the ending you'd want is what happened!

http://www.pressherald.com/news/in-...belongs-to-its-rightful-owner_2012-08-29.html

(The article mentioned that the little girl was a Justin Bieber fan. The next day a banking executive got her tickets to the November 10th show in Boston and Marriott Hotels pitched in a room.)

 

[Missy]

This thread needs an uplifting story.

This happened locally last summer. An 8 year-old girl found a purse with over $4000 in it at Sam's Club while shopping with her family. They did the right thing, and did NOT get shut down. Exactly the ending you'd want is what happened!

http://www.pressherald.com/news/in-...belongs-to-its-rightful-owner_2012-08-29.html

(The article mentioned that the little girl was a Justin Bieber fan. The next day a banking executive got her tickets to the November 10th show in Boston and Marriott Hotels pitched in a room.)

Great and heartwarming story Maria- thank you for sharing it!!
There's hope yet!

 

[erinl]

That is a wonderful story-- it choked me up!

 

[texaskj]

I had a fall jacket I was no longer wearing and since it was a friend's favorite color, thought she might want/use it. She spent 10 minutes grilling me about why I didn't want it anymore and another 20 minutes picking the jacket apart. Does it hang right? Is it too long? What about the sleeves? I was about two seconds from just telling her to forget the whole thing when the phone rang and I left soon after. She kept the jacket, but I have no idea if she still has it or ever used it. Needless to say, I never asked.

 

[lulu]

I'm not surprised by these stories at all. I worked for legal aid for two years as a volunteer representing people with family law issues. Not one person said thank you. I just volunteer at the animal shelter now. The dogs and cats are always grateful.

 

[Polished]

I once told a man he'd left his headlights on - he gave me such a glare as he returned to his car parked twenty metres away to switch them off.

DH worked in Zurich for three months and when we said we were going to France after the contract ended, a fellow he worked with asked us if we could bring over some things for them, as we had a kombi van and they only had a small car to pack their belongings into. We duly took the household items and goodness only knows what else over for them. Spent quite a while finding the place where he lived, got into trouble from a concierge for apparently going into a wrong building, eventually found him and the first thing he said was, "oh you needn't have bothered returning this stuff to us". Too right!

 

[LaraOnline]

ilander,
I do enjoy your comments and threads so much about 99.99% of the time -- so it is with affection & respect that I brave the question: why you keep telling this same story? Sure, some folks who've never heard it before will weigh in w/additional sympathy for you -- but for the relatively silent majority who have heard it many times: it seems a bit like you're stuck there and perhaps a bit eager for another fix of "whatta beeeatch, poor you" talk.

That's probably true, but it helps me to hear that I'm not crazy. Also it was apropos to the thread.

It's an unresolved issue for me, and I feel bad about it every day. I've tried to move on, but it still eats at me. My DH and I wonder about it a lot, we have a hard time resolving the 180 degree turn our relationship with our son went in the space of a few months. You spend a life time building your world around your children, and when they turn around and slap you, it's a shock. We're all playing nice, and DH (who is very family oriented, and treated his mom like a queen) is much happier because we're being nice. I guess I should just figure this is the new normal, and walk away.

But it's hard.

Well I haven't heard this story before, so I don't mind in the least that iLander repeated it.

What a strange slap-down you received iLander! And I can understand why you can't 'get over it', a dil should and can be like getting a new daughter - it is now, with my own mil. I feel like I am the daughter she never had, and that's nice.

When women get married it can feel like a 'coming of age' that has finally arrived, I guess a lot of women myself included have been terrified /fearful of having an interfering mil. Perhaps she has lots of baggage about your influence over 'her' man....? Eeek, it IS awful.

I must confess that in my early days of marriage I was relieved that we lived on the other side of the country to my mil. ditto when I first had my first child. Now, as we genuinely know and like each other, that 'pressure' has disappeared. Although I still get anxious when she comes to visit, I find the actual experience is quite warm and relaxing...it's the EXPECTATION that causes the small tension.

What am I scared of exactly? i think I'm worred she will be critical of me, or have 'advice' on my behaviour for my husband. I am still careful not to be seen to be overly critical of my husband in front of her, or to be overly spendy in front of her etc etc. However, the relationship has become more and more natural over the 10 years of my marriage.

My first thought on reading your story was that it seemed a very stereotypical 'gen Y' thing for your dil to say...perhaps 'in the olden days' young brides were just less upfront and entitled about being so openly rude...and then time smoothed out any anxieties...What a shame she messed up at the start! But because she is younger than you, I guess you just have to 'suck it up' and forget it, as you would with a teenage child that is living in your home.

Perhaps after a time you can institute a 'new life' in your attitude to her. Forget everything about her behaviour of the past, and start concentrating on ways you APPRECIATE her. Perhaps she's very attentive to your son's needs in some way, perhaps she is an outstanding person in a business or career sense, or has a special talent. When you hear news of her, whether from your son or your DH or DD, find something to feel good and uplifted about in that connection with her. Concentrate on what is GOOD about this girl - even from afar - and perhaps that will help over time to improve the way you enjoy each other's company. You are still sharing a spiritual space with your son, even if you are not really present in the physical sense. Of course, you undoubtedly know ALL this already lol.