Ever do something nice for someone but get shut down?

[decodelighted]

ilander,
I do enjoy your comments and threads so much about 99.99% of the time -- so it is with affection & respect that I brave the question: why you keep telling this same story? Sure, some folks who've never heard it before will weigh in w/additional sympathy for you -- but for the relatively silent majority who have heard it many times: it seems a bit like you're stuck there and perhaps a bit eager for another fix of "whatta beeeatch, poor you" talk.

 

[Deactivated member 42515]

A number of years ago when I was driving DD to preschool I noticed a neighbor's front door was wide open. There were no cars in the driveway and I knew they never parked their cars in the garage. No other neighbors were home either. I called over there and no answer so I called the policevto check it out. The police came checked it out and the inside of the door had a key in the lock. The officer then locked the door and took the key and would not give it to me. He said the homeowner can pick it up at the station. When the neighbor got home from work and listened to my message she got annoyed at me and said that the wind probably blew the door open and I could have just pulled it shut.

I learned my lesson and vowed even if I saw someone carrying stuff out of the house that I would not call the police because you never know maybe they could be moving or something.

Fast forward 6 years later, they divorced, sold the house, and new neighbors gave me their work numbers and asked if I ever saw something wrong to call the police. Well a week after new neighbors moved in I saw both garage doors open. No cars in sight. I called them and the police. It seems the old neighbor broke in to get stuff out of the basement and garage that he never removed before the house closing.

Crazy story! Well, I'm glad the new neighbors are nice! Neighbors can be so weird sometimes! My DH was fixing our sprinkler one summer and the neighbor across from us kept watching him. Finally he came across and asked if the owners know that he's messing with their sprinkler. DH replied that we've lived here for 3 years and we've met you like 5 times already! Argh... This same neighbor also called the cops on us because we had pulled out of the driveway to leave but I forgot something and ran back in and the car was parked in the street (very close to my curb with DH inside). The cops came and we had to prove we leaved here....

 

[Deactivated member 42515]

I can't recall any specific instances like this, but I have to ask - was it a Whole Foods lot, by chance?

Ha! No, it was in from of a bed bath and beyond!

 

[Deactivated member 42515]

Today, I was in a shopping complex. Somebody left a shopping cart in the middle of the road and this elderly lady stopped and couldn't get thru. So I jumped out of my car and ran the shopping cart back. I turned around to smile at the lady and OH MY GOD, I've never had anybody glare at me so meanly before!!! It wasn't even my cart! I was just driving through!

I feel like I did a nice thing... I'm not expecting a medal or anything nor do I do nice things just to get credit for them but this lady was outright mean! She just glared at me the WHOLE time I ran to my car...

Has anyone else ever done something nice but gotten a reaction you never thought you'd get?

Maybe the lady assumed that you had left the basket yourself? I don't like to stereotype, but elderly people can come across as really grouchy because they can be confused about what is actually going on. My grandfather-- the most kind, logical, helpful person I ever knew, had dementia in his later years and he would get irrationally angry. He drove for longer than he should have and he got into some arguments several times while driving. I think he got confused and would then get angry. He even came home with a black eye once and we have no idea what transpired. Again, he should have had his keys taken away long before he decided to stop driving (I digress)

On a reverse note, I have been in situations where people would not stop trying to be helpful, even when I said I was ok. Recently, I was walking into a very nice restaurant, carrying my 2 year old son (he had fallen asleep in the car and wasn't in the mood for walking). I didn't see a curb and i twisted my ankle and fell while holding him. I took the brunt of the fall, I never let go of him and my son did not touch any pavement, he actually took to his feet when i fell to his walking level. A couple women rushed up to me and kept talking about the baby being ok, wanting to grab him etc etc. I kept saying thank you, I'm ok, and they wouldn't leave me be. I had to kind of raise my voice and say I was ok, as I had my sisters with me and there was no need to help-- son was not crying or anything either. I am sure they thought I was rude in the end of the transaction, but I was embarrassed and I just wanted to move along and not make a scene

Eesh! People don't know when to stop! A good deed is a good deed until you keep pushing it! And you had your sisters with you! Interesting people we encounter!

 

[Deactivated member 42515]

People can be so rotten sometimes!

This didn't happen to me, but it happened to my mom years ago when I was out shopping with her.
My mom and I were in a craft store and she was buying a lot of Fimo clay. The clay wasn't cheap, and she was buying about $50 worth of it. The cashier rang her up and said the total was something ridiculously low, like $17. My mom said, "Oh, that can't be right," and so the cashier spits back, "Ma'am, this clay is not cheap, okay? I'm just ringing it up, I don't set the prices."

My mom said something like , "I know it isn't cheap, that's why I think this total is incorrect." The cashier continued to argue with my mom, and was so loud and disdainful doing it, and she ultimately made a face at the customer waiting in line behind my mother, so my mom finally said, "Okay, you're right. Here's a twenty."

Ha! Awesome! Your mom deserved that discount!!!

 

[Deactivated member 42515]

Long(ish) story - sorry about that!

Earlier this year I was driving to the post office when, a few blocks from the post office, I see a mini dachshund running on the sidewalk. I think it's strange, but it's a fairly busy street, no chance to stop. I'm thinking I might circle back after I do what I need to do at the post office. When I get to the post office - there's another mini dachshund in the parking lot, with two or three people trying to corral it! I go in and mail my package, when I come back it's down to two people and the dog is till eluding them. One of them says it belongs to some gal who was there trying to catch it - she got kicked out of her hotel and was trying to find her FIVE dachshunds that got away from her! The owner was nowhere to be seen, however. But I hate the idea of a little dog running around on a busy street, so I sat patiently sat there and tried to entice the pooch to come to me, and eventually it came close but of course as soon as I reached for it, it scampered away. (I'm NOT a dog person, by the way). Repeat that scenario a few times, then the dog decides to run across the street to the parking lot of a large office complex, getting grazed by a car in the process.

So of course I go across the street too... and again the dog lets me get close then scampers away as soon as I try to reach for it. Some guy going into the gym sees me and tries to help, but to no avail. I do manage to get the dog cornered, but it snarls if I get anywhere near him. The guy calls animal control and leaves to go to his gym. I was hesitant to call animal control, especially since it seems like the owner might not have the money to spring her dog, but it seems a better option than letting the dog run around in traffic! As I'm waiting for animal control to get there, I decide to try one last thing. I take off my parka and throw it over the little guy, and - victory! I'm able to pick him up! He's snarly and wriggling to get away, but he's small enough that I can keep him under control. By the time I get back to my car he's relaxed and practically licking my face! The whole ordeal probably took about 45 minutes to an hour.

Now I have a little dachshund in my possession and no idea what to do with him. I'm thinking take him home and place a craigs list ad, when it occurs to me that there are only about four hotels in the area - and decide to somehow canvas them in case the story was true... maybe one of them can tell me something that will help me find its owner. These are low cost motor hotel type things, two stories built around a parking lot and swimming pool. I drive up to the first one and as I'm walking towards the office I see one of the maids outside the building. I ask her about a woman with some dogs, pointing to the dog. The maid says yes, the woman is on the second floor - but wait! There she is now! A tall, 30-is woman is approaching us, with one little dog on a leash. I say something to get her attention, get the dog out of my car and hand it to her.

She might have said thank you - but I don't think so. Mainly she just grabbed her dog, turned around, and went back up the stairs. No asking where her dog had been for the past hour, no questions about where I found it or how I found her to get it back to her... nothing. Needless to say I wasn't expecting any sort of reward, but I did think some show of gratitude might have been appropriate!

You are a good person! And did good by that dachshund!

 

[Karl_K]

I always hold the door for someone behind me, and once I had a woman say angrily 'You don't have to hold that for me!'

I have heard that one a lot!
Once from a lady pushing a stroller with 2 kids under 5 hanging off her.
geez

The best one however, was lady who said "I can open a door myself" An older lady going the other way said "sure you can you are a b%$#$" I cracked up laughing.

 

[Deactivated member 42515]

Ugh, I'm sorry she glared at you like that. I was also thinking she must have thought the cart was yours to begin with, and it's a good point that her elderly status may have contributed confusion to her understanding of the situation.

I always hold the door for someone behind me, and once I had a woman say angrily 'You don't have to hold that for me!' She was *right there* so I wasn't going to drop it on her even after she said that, and she was pissed that I didn't! SO WEIRD! It's simply a polite gesture, why the need for hostility? I was also leaving an upscale restaurant once, and held the door open for three older couples who were going in. All three of the women and two of the men passed through without so much as *looking* at me, much less thanking me or acknowledging me, but the last of them to go in did manage to say something (I think it was even to the effect of acknowledging their lack of acknowledgement) and I just couldn't help but respond with 'Your friends need to learn their manners!'. I was so happy that for once I spoke up for myself, but I was shaking as we walked back to the car.

Doesn't it drive you crazy! Yes, you're not doing it because you expect thanks but when it happens over and over.... DH is a super polite guy. Everywhere he goes he opens my door for me, car, mall, front door, everywhere. But he also opens the door for everyone else. Which is really nice and something I love about him very much. I usually step inside the building and wait a couple seconds for him to catch up because he's still opening the door for people behind me. He doesn't mind at all when they don't say anything but I do. He's my DH! I've gotta stand up for him! He's just too kind of a person. There are those awesome people that come up to me and tell me that he's a keeper but there are some people that grumble who the hell is he, the bell boy? And I'm aghast.....

 

[iLander]

ilander,
I do enjoy your comments and threads so much about 99.99% of the time -- so it is with affection & respect that I brave the question: why you keep telling this same story? Sure, some folks who've never heard it before will weigh in w/additional sympathy for you -- but for the relatively silent majority who have heard it many times: it seems a bit like you're stuck there and perhaps a bit eager for another fix of "whatta beeeatch, poor you" talk.

That's probably true, but it helps me to hear that I'm not crazy. Also it was apropos to the thread.

It's an unresolved issue for me, and I feel bad about it every day. I've tried to move on, but it still eats at me. My DH and I wonder about it a lot, we have a hard time resolving the 180 degree turn our relationship with our son went in the space of a few months. You spend a life time building your world around your children, and when they turn around and slap you, it's a shock. We're all playing nice, and DH (who is very family oriented, and treated his mom like a queen) is much happier because we're being nice. I guess I should just figure this is the new normal, and walk away.

But it's hard.

 

[Loves Vintage]

I can't recall any specific instances like this, but I have to ask - was it a Whole Foods lot, by chance?

Ha! No, it was in from of a bed bath and beyond!

Haha! I've had a lot of issues in the Whole Foods parking lot, which made me wonder, I guess! There's even a you tube video on the WF parking lot! Hee-hee!

 

[rainydaze]

I always hold the door for someone behind me, and once I had a woman say angrily 'You don't have to hold that for me!'

I have heard that one a lot!
Once from a lady pushing a stroller with 2 kids under 5 hanging off her.
geez

The best one however, was lady who said "I can open a door myself" An older lady going the other way said "sure you can you are a b%$#$" I cracked up laughing.

That is so ridiculous, I just can't wrap my brain around it. I always look someone in the eye and thank them for holding the door open... especially men as I have heard this a few times now where women will pull this bull on guys. It has never occurred to me that a man is holding the door open for me because he thinks I'm not capable. Rather, it occurs to me he's a polite and kind person. So silly! Love the other guys response, wonder if it registered with her?

 

[rainydaze]

Ugh, I'm sorry she glared at you like that. I was also thinking she must have thought the cart was yours to begin with, and it's a good point that her elderly status may have contributed confusion to her understanding of the situation.

I always hold the door for someone behind me, and once I had a woman say angrily 'You don't have to hold that for me!' She was *right there* so I wasn't going to drop it on her even after she said that, and she was pissed that I didn't! SO WEIRD! It's simply a polite gesture, why the need for hostility? I was also leaving an upscale restaurant once, and held the door open for three older couples who were going in. All three of the women and two of the men passed through without so much as *looking* at me, much less thanking me or acknowledging me, but the last of them to go in did manage to say something (I think it was even to the effect of acknowledging their lack of acknowledgement) and I just couldn't help but respond with 'Your friends need to learn their manners!'. I was so happy that for once I spoke up for myself, but I was shaking as we walked back to the car.

Doesn't it drive you crazy! Yes, you're not doing it because you expect thanks but when it happens over and over.... DH is a super polite guy. Everywhere he goes he opens my door for me, car, mall, front door, everywhere. But he also opens the door for everyone else. Which is really nice and something I love about him very much. I usually step inside the building and wait a couple seconds for him to catch up because he's still opening the door for people behind me. He doesn't mind at all when they don't say anything but I do. He's my DH! I've gotta stand up for him! He's just too kind of a person. There are those awesome people that come up to me and tell me that he's a keeper but there are some people that grumble who the hell is he, the bell boy? And I'm aghast.....

What is UP with the bell boy comment? I can't help but wonder what is the background of these people that they would take a simple, kind gesture so negatively! I'm with the one's who say he's a keeper!

 

[Haven]

iLander--I'm so sorry for the dischord in your relationship with your son.

I've wanted to say this before, but held my tongue because I wasn't sure it was appropriate. However, here goes.
When I first read your story I was pretty certain that you were a real-life friend of mine who is in a very similar situation. (I even asked her if she was a friend of Andrey's, and she had no idea what I was talking about. Now I think she thinks I'm a member of some anonymous support group. )

Anyway, the thing I really want to say to my friend but haven't is that she has just as much a role in this negative relationship as does her DIL. She can't see it, because when can we clearly see our own contributions to bad situations when they're still going on and hurting us? She is a wonderful person, and she describes herself in the way you have described yourself in past threads--very outgoing, likes to have fun, etc. However, her DIL doesn't see her this way. Her DIL sees her as someone who is insecure and needs attention, and who turns every interaction with her into a reason to get sympathy and attention for being mistreated by her evil DIL. My friend sees the situation as one where a nasty DIL has moved in and does everything she can to put a wedge between her husband and his family.

I am not saying that this is how your DIL sees you, but I am saying that she probably sees the situation very differently than you do. And while I'm not convinced either woman's perception of the situation is 100% correct, both *are* founded in certain truths. The reason my friend and her DIL can't move forward is that neither woman is willing to accept that her perspective might be a bit skewed, and that she might be contributing to the problem in even a teeny, tiny way. (My friend's situation has been going on for nearly four years now, which is a terribly long time. I wish they could move forward.)

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Yeah, I'm too much of a people pleaser and it's bit me in the butt a few times. This is one reason I won't volunteer at my kids' school anymore. People take advantage. The worst was when I scheduled my son's teacher appreciation week, organized a bunch of gifts, paid for half of them myselfs (because the teacher asked for really expensive stuff and I felt uncomfortable asking the parents for $), had the kids bring her flowers, and everything. The teacher acted happy, but as soon as the year ended, she unfriended me on FB. I kinda felt that was a slap in the face.

 

[Haven]

Yeah, I'm too much of a people pleaser and it's bit me in the butt a few times. This is one reason I won't volunteer at my kids' school anymore. People take advantage. The worst was when I scheduled my son's teacher appreciation week, organized a bunch of gifts, paid for half of them myselfs (because the teacher asked for really expensive stuff and I felt uncomfortable asking the parents for $), had the kids bring her flowers, and everything. The teacher acted happy, but as soon as the year ended, she unfriended me on FB. I kinda felt that was a slap in the face.

Oh, that stinks, MC. If it makes you feel better, a lot of schools don't allow teachers to befriend students or their parents on FB. Perhaps your kids' school changed their policy? Or she just removes school-related friends at the end of every year? It can't be because she didn't appreciate you!

 

[Circe]

ilander,
I do enjoy your comments and threads so much about 99.99% of the time -- so it is with affection & respect that I brave the question: why you keep telling this same story? Sure, some folks who've never heard it before will weigh in w/additional sympathy for you -- but for the relatively silent majority who have heard it many times: it seems a bit like you're stuck there and perhaps a bit eager for another fix of "whatta beeeatch, poor you" talk.

I think when things sting, it takes a while to process them - I know I still periodically reference something a former friend did, just to work through it. Like wiggling a loose tooth - does it still hurt? How about now? Or now?

But as one of the silent majority who has heard the story and held back, one thing I will say is that while it must hurt terribly that the relationship with her is less then you dreamed, that your relationship with your son has changed ... I actually don't see what's wrong with her reply qua her reply. She was honest. Isn't that better than importing her neuroses into a series of strained and awkward trips? Or her turning down invitation after invitation without your knowing if you'd somehow offended her? This way, you know it's her issue, end of story. It actually seems like a pretty responsible way for somebody with emotional problems to act.

ETA: oh, drat - took long enough to write this out that it was out-of-date ... Haven said it better than I did! But her description actually drew another parallel for me, an advice column about boundaries that stuck in my head because it really seemed to encapsulate how differently people can view appropriate levels of family interaction. Haven, maybe this column might help your friend? Sounds like it was written by somebody thinking along the same lines as her DIL ....http://captainawkward.com/2012/05/1...rets-of-dealing-with-highly-difficult-people/

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Yeah, I'm too much of a people pleaser and it's bit me in the butt a few times. This is one reason I won't volunteer at my kids' school anymore. People take advantage. The worst was when I scheduled my son's teacher appreciation week, organized a bunch of gifts, paid for half of them myselfs (because the teacher asked for really expensive stuff and I felt uncomfortable asking the parents for $), had the kids bring her flowers, and everything. The teacher acted happy, but as soon as the year ended, she unfriended me on FB. I kinda felt that was a slap in the face.

Oh, that stinks, MC. If it makes you feel better, a lot of schools don't allow teachers to befriend students or their parents on FB. Perhaps your kids' school changed their policy? Or she just removes school-related friends at the end of every year? It can't be because she didn't appreciate you!

Our school doesn't have that policy. Now that my older son is in 6th grade, I've long since discovered that people will use each other for what they can get until they suck the parents dry. I recently was asked to commit to a major project and I said no. That was the first time I did so and I felt so relieved about putting my foot down. (Someone wanted me to work UNDER her as the helper for the talent show and it was 8 1/2 hours worth of work and she never even asked if my kids were going to be in it and never addressed what I would do with my kids while helping her. I'm am at the state of NO MORE!!! ) lol

 

[princesss]

ilander,
I do enjoy your comments and threads so much about 99.99% of the time -- so it is with affection & respect that I brave the question: why you keep telling this same story? Sure, some folks who've never heard it before will weigh in w/additional sympathy for you -- but for the relatively silent majority who have heard it many times: it seems a bit like you're stuck there and perhaps a bit eager for another fix of "whatta beeeatch, poor you" talk.

I think when things sting, it takes a while to process them - I know I still periodically reference something a former friend did, just to work through it. Like wiggling a loose tooth - does it still hurt? How about now? Or now?

But as one of the silent majority who has heard the story and held back, one thing I will say is that while it must hurt terribly that the relationship with her is less then you dreamed, that your relationship with your son has changed ... I actually don't see what's wrong with her reply qua her reply. She was honest. Isn't that better than importing her neuroses into a series of strained and awkward trips? Or her turning down invitation after invitation without your knowing if you'd somehow offended her? This way, you know it's her issue, end of story. It actually seems like a pretty responsible way for somebody with emotional problems to act.

ETA: oh, drat - took long enough to write this out that it was out-of-date ... Haven said it better than I did! But her description actually drew another parallel for me, an advice column about boundaries that stuck in my head because it really seemed to encapsulate how differently people can view appropriate levels of family interaction. Haven, maybe this column might help your friend? Sounds like it was written by somebody thinking along the same lines as her DIL ....http://captainawkward.com/2012/05/1...rets-of-dealing-with-highly-difficult-people/

Okay, I hestitate to say this because I don't want this to feel like a pile on, but I have wanted to say this every time you've brought this up but I held my tongue. However, I will follow behind the compassionate posters above me and hope that you read this in the spirit that it's offered.

Sometimes you talk about the things you're upset by when it comes to your DIL, like them not wanting to spend their first married Christmas with you and your husband, and I'm puzzled. That seems like a normal, healthy thing for them to do. They're establishing their own boundaries, creating their own family and their own traditions. His primary role now is to be her husband, not to be your son, and it sounds like he's being a very good husband (which is something I think you deserve credit for, because I'm sure that a lot of the things she loves and appreciates about him come directly from things you taught him). I wonder sometimes about where your boundary lines are in regards to this relationship and if possibly you were too eager to be a good MIL and throw yourself into that role to really get to know your DIL and what form of a relationship she would value most with you.

I also think that, if this is an ongoing issue, talking to a therapist to figure out ways to handle the situation (even if it never improves) and to figure out how you can let your expectations and your hut go might be a good idea.

 

[Deactivated member 42515]

Yeah, I'm too much of a people pleaser and it's bit me in the butt a few times. This is one reason I won't volunteer at my kids' school anymore. People take advantage. The worst was when I scheduled my son's teacher appreciation week, organized a bunch of gifts, paid for half of them myselfs (because the teacher asked for really expensive stuff and I felt uncomfortable asking the parents for $), had the kids bring her flowers, and everything. The teacher acted happy, but as soon as the year ended, she unfriended me on FB. I kinda felt that was a slap in the face.

That sucks! It's the worst when people take advantage of your kindness...

 

[erinl]

I still think that what iLander's DIL said was incredibly rude and hurtful. Even if she felt that way she could have held her tongue.

I have met women who say it is their job to "get rid of" the MIL. Very sad IMO. I think it goes both ways. My MIL likes to sulk and pout and I will put up with it for my kids (who love their grandmother) and my husband as long as my husband will acknowledge that she is being difficult/ridiculous with me at some point.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Yeah, I'm too much of a people pleaser and it's bit me in the butt a few times. This is one reason I won't volunteer at my kids' school anymore. People take advantage. The worst was when I scheduled my son's teacher appreciation week, organized a bunch of gifts, paid for half of them myselfs (because the teacher asked for really expensive stuff and I felt uncomfortable asking the parents for $), had the kids bring her flowers, and everything. The teacher acted happy, but as soon as the year ended, she unfriended me on FB. I kinda felt that was a slap in the face.

That sucks! It's the worst when people take advantage of your kindness...

Thanks...I've realized, though, that I'm letting it happen and am finally setting boundries and saying no. I'm pretty sure it has to do with me turning 40 next month. I have to take control of my life!

 

[hoover]

Hey YayTacori - what a rotten thing to have happened to you

Oh, the ways I tell people off from the privacy of my own car!

+1 I'm way too much of a wuss to be confrontational.

Missy - I totally agree with you that poor manners and rude behaviours are on the rise.

I try to be nice and help people when I can, open doors, pick things up when people drop something, but i rarely get a simple "thank you". I don't know how many times I was walking behind someone to go into the mall or a store and the person in front of me cracks open the door only just enough so they can slip in. I don't expect people to hold the door open for me (if they do, i smile and say "thank you") but I always look behind me and hold the door open if there's someone behind me.

Then there are the times that I open the door for myself and this rush of people just run through without a word and not letting me in as if I'm their door person!

 

[princesss]

As for the original question, I can't think of anything in particular. I'm a regular door-holder-opener but most people thank me, and if they don't the interaction is so fleeting I can't remember 30 seconds later if they said thank you or not.

 

[Haven]

Yeah, I'm too much of a people pleaser and it's bit me in the butt a few times. This is one reason I won't volunteer at my kids' school anymore. People take advantage. The worst was when I scheduled my son's teacher appreciation week, organized a bunch of gifts, paid for half of them myselfs (because the teacher asked for really expensive stuff and I felt uncomfortable asking the parents for $), had the kids bring her flowers, and everything. The teacher acted happy, but as soon as the year ended, she unfriended me on FB. I kinda felt that was a slap in the face.

Oh, that stinks, MC. If it makes you feel better, a lot of schools don't allow teachers to befriend students or their parents on FB. Perhaps your kids' school changed their policy? Or she just removes school-related friends at the end of every year? It can't be because she didn't appreciate you!

Our school doesn't have that policy. Now that my older son is in 6th grade, I've long since discovered that people will use each other for what they can get until they suck the parents dry. I recently was asked to commit to a major project and I said no. That was the first time I did so and I felt so relieved about putting my foot down. (Someone wanted me to work UNDER her as the helper for the talent show and it was 8 1/2 hours worth of work and she never even asked if my kids were going to be in it and never addressed what I would do with my kids while helping her. I'm am at the state of NO MORE!!! ) lol

Good for you, MC. Just say NO! If it makes you feel better, MOST parents say no when asked to help, and that's okay!

 

[Haven]

As for the original question, I can't think of anything in particular. I'm a regular door-holder-opener but most people thank me, and if they don't the interaction is so fleeting I can't remember 30 seconds later if they said thank you or not.

This is how I am, too.

There's a weird culture of NOT holding doors for people in my college. It never really bothered me before, but now I'm very pregnant and I really appreciate it when someone holds the door for me when they see me waddling in with all my bags, but it doesn't happen often! The worst is that we have an elevator at the end of the long hallway I walk down when I first enter the building. I used to take the stairs up to my office, but my back hurts lately so now I use the elevator. Colleagues have literally stepped into the elevator, looked out, seen me, and then let the door close. It's so weird.

The strangest thing happened a couple weeks ago. I popped into the elevator and held it for a man who was walking down the hallway behind me. When he reached the doors he said, "Let me guess, you're going up?" I said, "Yes, just to the 2nd floor." He said, "Well, thanks for holding up the elevator. I'm going down, so if you could hurry up so it will come back, that would be great." Well SORR-EEEEE! (Maybe this is why people don't hold elevators???)

It didn't make me mad, it just made me chuckle to myself. Some people are so CRANKY!

 

[isaku5]

I've had a lot of experiences with that

I always hold the door for the next person, but fairly often there is no response so I practically yell, " You're very welcome" . The same applies if two people are chatting , but not standing close to each other and I can't get around either one I say, "Excuse me, please" and walk between them. Often, if I turn around to see what happened, they're both giving me 'the evil eye'. I just give them a big smile.

The best example of this happened wile I was teaching a class of grade 12 guys who were there only to keep warm. I 'killed them with kindness' and over a period of five months, their habits changed - at least while they were in my classroom.

Number one on my list of must-do's is: be polite; it costs you nothing.

 

[isaku5]

ilander,
I do enjoy your comments and threads so much about 99.99% of the time -- so it is with affection & respect that I brave the question: why you keep telling this same story? Sure, some folks who've never heard it before will weigh in w/additional sympathy for you -- but for the relatively silent majority who have heard it many times: it seems a bit like you're stuck there and perhaps a bit eager for another fix of "whatta beeeatch, poor you" talk.

Come on deco, you're often rude to the max and this is yet another example. If you don't want to hear the story, block iLander. Myself, I enjoy her comments and the one you're referring to, I had not yet read.

OMG, you must be a horror to live with!! Poor hubby. Thank goodness you have no children who just might follow your 'example'.

 

[decodelighted]

I'm very sorry you're hurting iLander ... & thanks for taking my comment gracefully. I think Circe & Haven have illuminated some of my uneasiness around the original situation & repetitions of same.

I actually don't see what's wrong with her reply. She was honest. Isn't that better than importing her neuroses into a series of strained and awkward trips? Or her turning down invitation after invitation without your knowing if you'd somehow offended her? This way, you know it's her issue, end of story. It actually seems like a pretty responsible way for somebody with emotional problems to act.

People can only give what they have. I don't think your DIL has what you were hoping to get from a DIL. All of the tensions & unpleasantness afterwards are just reverberations of that same simple but sad truth. I don't really think it's a character flaw on anyone's part. Just a bad mix. Which is why my best advice is to radically adjust your expectations and concentrate on finding peace within yourself to accept the way things A.R.E. and not waste any time/energy/sobs on trying to wish her different.

 

[decodelighted]

ilander,
I do enjoy your comments and threads so much about 99.99% of the time -- so it is with affection & respect that I brave the question: why you keep telling this same story? Sure, some folks who've never heard it before will weigh in w/additional sympathy for you -- but for the relatively silent majority who have heard it many times: it seems a bit like you're stuck there and perhaps a bit eager for another fix of "whatta beeeatch, poor you" talk.

Come on deco, you're often rude to the max and this is yet another example. If you don't want to hear the story, block iLander. Myself, I enjoy her comments and the one you're referring to, I had not yet read.

OMG, you must be a horror to live with!! Poor hubby. Thank goodness you have no children who just might follow your 'example'.

Lets let everyone else decide which comment is "rude to the max".

 

[erinl]

OMG, you must be a horror to live with!! Poor hubby. Thank goodness you have no children who just might follow your 'example'.


That seems an incredibly harsh statement!

Maybe we should all be more careful about what we say to one another in the frenzy to be the 3,310,000; 3,320,000; etc post.