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emotional help, please...

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meresal

meresal

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 13, 2007
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I said I would never share negative things, but I have no where else to go, and if I don''t talk to someone I''m going to self destruct. I can''t talk to my friends, my family, or my coworkers. I couldn''t figure out whether to post this in Hangout or BBW... but I did, so here I am...


What lengths would you go to, to prove that someone is telling the truth? How far can you go before completely damaging the relationship? I have about everything at my disposal right now, and am sure I have the truth, but I feel like minor things are still being hidden or forgotten due to extreme alcohol consumption.

I just don''t know what to do. I need to cry, but I''m sitting at work. I need to scream, but I''m sitting at work. I need a shoulder to cry on, but I can''t talk to anyone. I''m so lost.
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((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

Breathe.

Can you be more specific about the situation?
 
Give more details if you can.

Is this about your FI?

I''m so sorry Meresal.
 
Mere, honey, ((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))

How much detail are you willing to share?

If it was somebody very close to me, and I felt like being lied to would damage the relationship, I would do everything I could to find out the truth.

If it was somebody not so close, I''d let it go. But it doesn''t sound like that applies here. You seem too upset for it to just be a random friend.
 
I''m so sorry, Meresal.

I know how hard it can be to want not to damage a relationship with someone you love, yet need to know the whole truth -- and to know, no matter what, that trust is shattered.

Tread lightly, though. Sometimes it isn''t worth it.
 
Don''t know the full situation you''re dealing with at all, but I agree to tread lightly. If you could disclose a bit more about what''s upsetting you, we could probably advise better, but whether you choose to do so or not, you have a cyber-shoulder for you to cry on here at PS, and I think it''s safe to say that all of us hope you feel better soon about whatever it is that''s getting to you. HUGS!!!!
 
I agree with the others in that it''s hard to comment on without knowing any details but if it were someone that I was close to, I''d really want to know the truth. I hope everything''s ok sweetie. Sending hugs.
 
Hugs mere! We''re here for support.
 
Without going "overly personal" can you give more information, or be more specific? I think that would help greatly with offering any advice...
 
I agree with Princesss--for a very close friend or family members, I''d go to any lengths to get the truth if I thought it woud improve the situation (I''d hope they''d forgive me over time), but for somebody I wasn''t really, really close to, I''d let it go.

Many hugs to you, I''m so sorry for what you are going through
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Thank you ladies, I have severe hesitation about doing this, but I have no one to talk to, that I can be sure will never remind me of it later. If that makes sense. I don't want to talk to my family or friends because it could hinder how they look at him, and I don't want that.

They, FI and 15 other guys a Bachelor party, met a Bachelorette group from Chicago. FI talked with the soon-to-be bride for quite a while at the bar, and when everyone was leaving, the other guys told FI to get the bride's # so they could all hang out again. Stupid, stupid, stupid FI agreed.
Well FI, got home yesterday at about 2, and we were talking about his trip, and he told me how they met these girls and had a good time and he and the bride talked about about her FI and me. Well, about 6:30 last night, he gets 2 text messages from her. 1st: "We had so much fun!! Y'all are a great group of guys!! Let me know if you want me to email you the pictures!!" 2nd: "I wish you and your FI all the best."

FI had not mentioned that they exchanged numbers. I got very upset that he would put himself in this situation. He apologized, hyperventilated, cried, and begged for me to forgive him. I asked him if they hung out anytime other than that night, He said no. I asked him if they communicated all weekend, He said no. I got to work this morning, and looked online to our cell phone account, and found 30 text messages back and forth, between midnight Friday night and 6am Sunday morning. Yes, one day.

He says nothing happened, and I believe him... but there are texts messages at ALL hours of the night. They sent text messages up till 4:30 am on Sunday morning, before he was to leave and come home. I've talked to him 2 times today and each time he has broken down on the phone, worried I will never be able to trust him again. If I were to have these texts re-printed, I think it would do major damage to our relationship. He says that his friends kept asking him to find out what the girls were doing and that is why he was messaging her.
(I believe this, because FI rarely gets to be the center of attention, and in his drunken stupor, he probably didn't think about how it could look if he were the ONLY one texting her... but for some reason I still *think* want to read the texts.)

I told him that I don't even want to see the pictures, but I can't decided whether to find out if I can have the text messages printed by the cell phone carrier.

ETA: He was devastated to find out I looked up the times of the texts... if I got these reprinted, I'm not sure what he would do. I don't think he would ever trust me, to trust him again.
 
I think I would want to know everything. Since you can''t go back and know nothing. Does that make any sense?
 
double post
 
...


Mere, I''m so so sorry you''re in this situation. I can''t say anything other than I''m sorry and I''m here for you. I hope the others can help you work through your thoughts, I''m sure you''re very conflicted right now.

(((hugs)))
 
Date: 5/4/2009 4:07:44 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I think I would want to know everything. Since you can''t go back and know nothing. Does that make any sense?
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I agree with FrekeChild...

If this happens to me (my FI is currently having his Bachelor Party in Vegas), I would like to know the whole story regardless whose at fault.....
 
I agree with Freke. I think not knowing would make it worse for me.
 
If I were in your situation I think that I would want to know what they said. Otherwise, it would eat at me and I would probably project my frustration out on to other things in my relationship.

I''m realllly sorry that this has happened Mere. I hope you can get to the bottom of this and find some peace.
 
I''m with Freke in that I know that I''d want to know everything. From the sounds of things though it''s just that they were all hanging around together and that in itself wouldn''t bother me. But I can understand how upsetting it would be as I don''t think I''d want D sending that many texts to someone in a day. Ugh it''s a tough situation and I think you kind of have to decide whether you trust him enough to let it go, or risk him not trusting you in the future if you do check the messages. Sending hugs as I''m really not 100% sure what I''d do in the same situation.
 
Date: 5/4/2009 4:07:44 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I think I would want to know everything. Since you can''t go back and know nothing. Does that make any sense?
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I would too.
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Ugh, I''m sorry Mer.
 
First, I am so sorry that you are in this situation, it really just stinks!

Second, I would want to know everything (Like Freke said).

I wonder... did he delete the texts off of his phone? Because you should be able to ask him to see them... if nothing happened and he wants to make you feel better he should show them to you.
If they are gone from the phone then I would get them printed.

It is such a tough situation... I think that knowing everything is better, your imagination will drive you crazy.

Good luck with everything
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My guts are churning as I write this, so take it with a grain of salt as this comes from somebody who trusts her SO a ton but has been burned before.

I would tell your FI that you want to print and read them. Tell him you know it''s possible (but maybe don''t mention you know how many there are), and that you think the pain and lack of trust not knowing would do more damage than printing them and seeing the truth. And if he''s being totally honest about how innocent the texts are, then great. And if he drank so much he forgot about some of the contents of the messages, then it could serve as a good wake-up call about what can go wrong when too much alcohol is involved.

Honestly, I''d really want the relief of knowing he was telling the truth or finding out he wasn''t and not saddling myself with somebody not worth trusting.
 
(((((((HUGS)))))))

I''m so so sorry you''re dealing with this
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and I really don''t know exactly what I would do in your situation. I think if my FI was in that situation and just got her number and got a few texts, I wouldn''t be upset really. But the 30 texts back and forth that he hasn''t admitted to really worry me. Does he know what they say? Does he even remember? I would have a very very hard time not requesting the texts from the phone company. I wouldn''t be able to fully trust him if I didn''t know what they said and I would need to know that he was 100% telling the truth before I could move past it. It could be opening a can of worms to see what they say and I agree that you may be better off not knowing, but I wouldn''t have the restraint. I would hope that he would agree to look them up on his phone and go over them with you rather than you needing to get them from the phone company. If everything was innocent, he should have no issue with going over them with you. If some weren''t so innocent, then I think you need to work together as a couple to get over that

I really hope you''re able to figure all of this out. No matter how it turns out, seeing a therapist together might be a good choice to help you sort through your feelings on all of this.
 
OH MY GOSH mere......wow.

***BIG HUGS***

This sounds just awful. I would be completely hurt by this. But what's even worse is the text messaging back and fourth 30 times in just a couple of days. That is upsetting. I can feel your pain. Your chest must feel like a giant wrecking ball just crashed into you...

I've got to share with you that my brother was dating a girl who ended up cheating on him. Now, I'm not saying that's what your FI has done/is doing to you. But, he found out that she was talking on the phone during the night to *whoever* she was seeing behind my brother's back as well as texting. It was devastating to him but he ended up being happy (in a sense) that he found out. It turned into a big mess though as they shared a home together...

Sweetie, ((take a deep breath)) I know it might make you feel even more sick but if I were you, I'd get the text messages printed from the cell carrier. You've got to know the truth. I know you want to believe him and why wouldn't you? But the 30 texts just doesn't sound right to me AT ALL. You have a right to know the truth, you are engaged to this guy. It would either bring you piece of mind, or let you know something you didn't want to know. If it were the latter, at least it would give you time to figure out where to go from here.

I understand you not wanting to tell your family and co-workers. That's what PS is for! I'm here for you mere...
 
meresal, I'm soooo sorry you're going through this.

I'm the type of person who always likes to be 'in the know' and I would get as much information I could about the situation until I felt comfortable, otherwise there would always be a dark cloud hanging over me with unanswered questions.

**big hugs**
 
Oh, Mer, I''m so sorry you are having to deal with this. I know that personally, I would want to know what was said. For me personally, as long as nothing physical happened, it would be something I would want to deal with, get over, and forgive him for even if the content of the texts crossed the line, but seeing the content would determine how much work and time it would take to move past it and regain the trust.

Whatever you decide, I would strongly suggest that if you do pursue printing out the texts, you let him know up front and ahead of time that you will be doing that and explain why you feel like you need to. I know you said he is devastated with himself right now, but you might also want to tell him that he needs to pull himself together to realize that as much as he is upset, you are even more so, and you two need to figure out what he needs to do to work to regain your trust calmly and rationally. Good luck. People do make mistakes, but they also need to learn from them!
 
Date: 5/4/2009 4:13:54 PM
Author: Clairitek
If I were in your situation I think that I would want to know what they said. Otherwise, it would eat at me and I would probably project my frustration out on to other things in my relationship.

I''m realllly sorry that this has happened Mere. I hope you can get to the bottom of this and find some peace.
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Oh god, i am so sorry that you are in so much turmoil right now over this meresal
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i ditto clairitek''s advice and the others above. I think it might be the only way to get some clarity and peace with the situation to get all the information.

Is there ANYONE in your life you can really talk to about this??? i think it might help...
 
Does he still have the messages on his phone as well, or did he delete them? If you really want to know what they were talking about, if I were in your position, I''d first tell him I wanted to see them. If he has nothing to hide, he shouldn''t have an issue with that, and by asking him for them directly, you''re not having to snoop around and betray HIS trust in YOU. It''s a slippery slope, though. I hope everything works out for the best, and I''m sorry I don''t really have more to offer. I honestly don''t really know what I''d do in that situation either.
 
Oh Meresal, I am so sorry.

And to echo the others...I''d want to know.

In general, I think playing with a "full deck" is important. Right now you know that something...even an innocent something...happened. And clearly you''re really upset (understandably so). I honestly believe not knowing could do more harm in the long run...you''re mind is always going to wander, you''ll always "wonder"...it''s something that does have the potential to "haunt" you emotionally for a long time.

At least if you know what was said, you''re at "ground zero" ...you both can move forward and get on the same page, you won''t have unanswered questions or fears or that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. Everything will be out in the open and the slate will be clean.
 
Has he cheated or acted inappropriately before? What do you truly believe in your gut: that he''s incredibly naive or that he willingly betrayed you?

If this is completely uncharacteristic for him, honestly, I''d trust him and let it go. Ask that all communication stop, and move on. The texts that you know of seem pretty innocent, and 30 text messages total really doesn''t seem like a huge amount to me, esp if the other guys are texting back on your FI''s phone. My own DH is pretty shy and not a big partier, but there were at least 30 text messages/phone calls from him and his friends combined on my phone the next morning. All of the texts were silly/fun, nothing over the line, so I''m not sure the texts are truly "evidence" that your FI was necessarily lying to you - he might not have known what was going on.

If he''s been incredibly flirtatious in the past, and you honestly believe there''s more to this story - then I wouldn''t stop until I had the truth - that''s stuff you should know.

While I don''t really know your specific situation, my gut instinct is that this was absolutely harmless and just guys out on the town - and I have a very low tolerance for what is "OK" partying behavior.
 
I''m very torn on this, so I can''t give you any suggestions. ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
 
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