emotional help, please...

[PearlDahhhling]

I''m so sorry you''re having to deal with this so close to the wedding Mer! You definitely don''t deserve this stress!

Although I think the texting sounds pretty innocent, I would still probably want to read the messages if I were you.

But just because he was texting her late at night doesn''t mean it was anything more than what he says it was, especially if he was up all night with a group of drunk guys. It sounds pretty plausible that the guys were egging him on to check on the group of girls for their own sake.

I also think it''s reasonable that if he was out with a group of guys and they met up with a group of girls, that he would feel comfortable talking to the one who is in the same situation as him - getting married soon. I think it''s less threatening that he was talking to the bride and not one of her single friends. They probably just had things in common to talk about in regards to the wedding/marriage stuff and his friends were probably all flirting with the other girls so he was just talking to her for the sake of talking to SOMEONE.

But I know that if I were you, I''d be just as upset at you are.

If I were you, I''d see if I could get the texts reprinted and find out what was said. That''s really the only way you''ll know. You can''t go into this marriage with "what-ifs" hanging over your head and with questions of whether you can trust him or not.

I really hope it was all innocent. I think it probably was.

*Big hugs* and good luck!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 5/4/2009 4:27:48 PM
Author: PearlDahhhling
Although I think the texting sounds pretty innocent, I would still probably want to read the messages if I were you.

But just because he was texting her late at night doesn't mean it was anything more than what he says it was, especially if he was up all night with a group of drunk guys. It sounds pretty plausible that the guys were egging him on to check on the group of girls for their own sake.

Yeah but even so...Call it innocent or not, drunk guys or not, its still him texting a girl late at night.

Are you there mere? ***HUGS, HUGS, HUGS***

 

[elrohwen]

I want to ditto Pearl. I do really think it was probably innocent and I think her explanation of that night is probably fairly close to the truth and nothing to worry about. That said, I would absolutely want to read the texts and make sure.

 

[musincy]

Meresal, I'm so sorry you're going through this....

 

[Lanie]

Wow. That sucks.

Was it his bach party? If not, then if you don''t clear all of this right now, you will be sick to your stomach the night of his own b party.

I don''t think you can reprint text messages. One of my friends called up the phone company trying to do this, and at that time, it was against privacy policy. That was 5 years ago, and it could be a different company, different rules etc.

If it''s possible, I would have them printed in a heartbeat though. He has betrayed your trust at some level. You have a right to know the rest of the story. Period. Plus, you are about to give your life to this guy. He should have no problem with you getting more information.

I hate to say this, but he is breaking down and hyperventilating about this? If he was innocent, I think he would have shown me his cell phone, told me to look myself, and wouldn''t have thought another second about it. It raises a red flag in my mind that he''s upset about it and emotional about it.

Were the 30 texts from him and her exclusively? Or are there 30 texts in general that could be from other people?

Meresal...I would take a breath. This could be very innocent and drunk (although inappropriate) actions from your FI. I would be willing to bet that nothing happened. After all, this girl was a bride-to-be herself.

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Date: 5/4/2009 4:33:55 PM
Author: Dreamgirl

Date: 5/4/2009 4:27:48 PM

Author: PearlDahhhling

Although I think the texting sounds pretty innocent, I would still probably want to read the messages if I were you.


But just because he was texting her late at night doesn''t mean it was anything more than what he says it was, especially if he was up all night with a group of drunk guys. It sounds pretty plausible that the guys were egging him on to check on the group of girls for their own sake.

Yeah but even so...Call it innocent or not, drunk guys or not, its still him texting a girl late at night.


Are you there mere? ***HUGS, HUGS, HUGS***

I think that a sober guy on his own texting a girl late at night is VASTLY different than a drunk guy surrounded by other drunk guys who met a group of drunk girls and the texting is going back and forth through his phone.

I know when I''m drunk, I can easily forget if I''ve texted someone or not already. I just had my bachelorette party this past Saturday and sent my FI probably about 20 or 30 texts within about an hour and most of them said the same thing because I''d forgotten I''d sent it.

Obviously we won''t what the texts said unless Mer decides to find out and decides to tell us, but I''m betting that it was innocent.

 

[princesss]

Date: 5/4/2009 4:50:49 PM
Author: PearlDahhhling

Date: 5/4/2009 4:33:55 PM
Author: Dreamgirl

Date: 5/4/2009 4:27:48 PM

Author: PearlDahhhling

Although I think the texting sounds pretty innocent, I would still probably want to read the messages if I were you.


But just because he was texting her late at night doesn''t mean it was anything more than what he says it was, especially if he was up all night with a group of drunk guys. It sounds pretty plausible that the guys were egging him on to check on the group of girls for their own sake.

Yeah but even so...Call it innocent or not, drunk guys or not, its still him texting a girl late at night.


Are you there mere? ***HUGS, HUGS, HUGS***

I think that a sober guy on his own texting a girl late at night is VASTLY different than a drunk guy surrounded by other drunk guys who met a group of drunk girls and the texting is going back and forth through his phone.

I know when I''m drunk, I can easily forget if I''ve texted someone or not already. I just had my bachelorette party this past Saturday and sent my FI probably about 20 or 30 texts within about an hour and most of them said the same thing because I''d forgotten I''d sent it.

Obviously we won''t what the texts said unless Mer decides to find out and decides to tell us, but I''m betting that it was innocent.

The thing for me that makes me nervous is that she said they were from Friday night to Sunday morning. If there were some from late Saturday morning through that evening when the guys probably weren''t rip-roaringly drunk, I''d be concerned.

Your interpretation of the situation makes sense to me (and is something I can see my SO doing), so I''m hoping that''s what this is. But I would definitely want to know.

 

[meresal]

Yes, I'm here. Just reading the replies as you write them. I'm sorry, I'm just not sure how to reply at this point, other than thank you for your hugs and thoughts.

To answer a few questions... the text messages are gone/deleted. I told him last night it was completely inappropriate for her to be texting him after she was back home, and he said he would go delete everything. I never thought to ask to read them. He has never ever done anything like this before, which is why I was the one that was so sure "this" would never happen to me. It is completely out of his character to ever befriend girls at a bar.

 

[princesss]

Date: 5/4/2009 4:58:14 PM
Author: meresal
Yes, I''m here. Just reading the replies as you write them. I''m sorry, I''m just not sure how to reply at this point, other than thank you for your hugs and thoughts.

To answer a few questions... the text messages are gone. He has never ever done anything like this before, which is why I was the one that was so sure ''this'' would never happen to me. It is completely out of his character to ever befriend girls at a bar.

*hug*

Sweetie, I really and truly hope this is nothing.

 

[taovandel]

I was in a similar situation a few months back....

You need to read the text--it''s the only way you''ll ever get past it. Otherwise you''ll always be wondering what really happened.

Also, we were able to get past the text because nothing actually happened--just some inappropriate text (nothing sexual on his side--just hers). There was a bit of a trust issue for a few months because I couldn''t get past that he was even bothering to text the girl in the first place, but we got past it.

I hope that everything works out for you.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Personally, I think you should ask him if you can read the texts, not because you don't trust him, but because not knowing is bothering you (I'm the kind of person who would want to know, because I want to know everything, lol, and my fiance knows that's just my personality, and it's not related to our relationship).

If you've never had reason to distrust him in the past, then chances are this was an innocent encounter. But either way, I would sit down and talk everything over until I was comfortable that the issue was resolved and behind us. I don't think this is the kind of thing you want to sit and fester. This could be a great time to rebuild some communication skills and really talk to one another about what your personal boundaries are. You may have differences in what you think of as fidelity, and this might be a good time to talk about that so that there are no misunderstandings about what being faithful means in the future.

Early on in our relationship, I told my fiance that nothing will ever hurt me as much as dishonesty. He's very well aware what my priorities are. I can forgive him for cheating, but not for lying, and to his credit he's done neither. I don't think your fiance would have a problem showing you the text messages if he knows it really bothers you.

Good luck.

Edit: sorry, I just read that the texts are gone. In which case, I would just talk to him until I felt comfortable that everything is resolved and we understand each other. Sounds like he's a great guy, and it was probably innocent. So this might just be a situation where you have to forgive and forget someone that you love.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 5/4/2009 4:58:14 PM
Author: meresal
Yes, I'm here. Just reading the replies as you write them. I'm sorry, I'm just not sure how to reply at this point, other than thank you for your hugs and thoughts.

To answer a few questions... the text messages are gone. He has never ever done anything like this before, which is why I was the one that was so sure 'this' would never happen to me. It is completely out of his character to ever befriend girls at a bar.

You don't need to reply just now if you don't know what to say at this point. Just know that we are here for you.

So I'm going to assume he deleted the text messages. I feel so bad you have to deal with this.

 

[CNOS128]

I would also want to know what the texts said, but I''m not certain I would go as far as to read them.

I would caution you not to look at them unless you''re really prepared to know what they say -- good or bad. As they say, you can''t unring a bell. Once you''ve read these texts, there''s no way of undoing the knowledge you have.

 

[House Cat]

Well, to throw a wrench in things, we can't be entirely certain it was FI sending all of the texts and that might be really damaging if Meresal prints out the texts. He WAS with a group of guys and one of them or a bunch of them could have been sending the texts all night. Who knows what THEY said to the group of girls!!

Meresal, I'm really sorry about this. Honestly, you know your FI. You say you trust him not to cheat. If this is true, then this night wouldn't be any different. If your gut is screaming that something has happened, then you must pursue it. But if you think that this is going to be a fruitless wild goose chase that will probably leave you with more questions than answers, I suggest you let this go and ask that FI stop communicating with this woman.

It does seem strange that this woman feels the need to continue communication. Maybe SHE was the one with a need or unhappy relationship and FI was just being nice.

 

[lucyandroger]

Meresal,

**Big Hugs** I know it must be terrible trying to keep your cool at work.

To answer your question, I would have to know. There's no way I could be truthful in my wedding vows without being 100% sure I knew the truth about what went on that weekend.

I would be honest and tell him you're requesting the print out. He has given you reason not to trust him and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

It sounds like he already deleted the texts off his phone?...Is that something he does usually?...to me that says very clearly that he's hiding something.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this so close to your wedding.

ETA - I would keep in mind that some of the texts could have come from other guys...but again, he wasn't upfront and didn't tell Meresal that. If he says that after the fact, it kind of seems like he's just trying to save himself.

 

[bee*]

I''m sorry to hear that the messages are deleted. Sending tons of hugs to you. As you said yourself, you trusted him, so I''m sure it''s all innocent. Doesn''t make the hurt or mistrust disappear, but it''s something that you can get over.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 5/4/2009 5:03:50 PM
Author: TheBigT
I would also want to know what the texts said, but I''m not certain I would go as far as to read them.

I would caution you not to look at them unless you''re really prepared to know what they say -- good or bad. As they say, you can''t unring a bell. Once you''ve read these texts, there''s no way of undoing the knowledge you have.

Very true, be prepared. I''d really want to know if it was my FI. Good or bad...I''d ring that bell.

Like I said mere, it could make you feel worse (but then you would know the truth and approach the situation however need be) or it would bring peace to your mind.

If you don''t find out now and let this slide, it will always be in the back of your head and could possibly lead to more trouble down the road.

 

[mrscushion]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Big hug.

Only you know whether you need to read those texts to ensure nothing worse happened than already did.

As for me, I probably would not take that extra step to read the messages. You say that this entire situation is very uncharacteristic for your FI. And that he was away for a weekend with guys that were drunk for the most part of the weekend and thought the girls were really fun to hang out with. Her last two texts to him were rather innocent. And he only deleted the texts after telling you he would delete them. To me, the evidence presented indicates nothing particularly bad happened, just some naivite on your FI''s part.

So, I''d let it go, but I''m not you.

 

[Porridge]

Date: 5/4/2009 5:01:45 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade
Personally, I think you should ask him if you can read the texts, not because you don''t trust him, but because not knowing is bothering you.

Big ditto. You''re understandably upset. It''s totally reasonable to get this all out, clear the air and move on. Tell him what you''re thinking, ask him if you can reprint the texts and be done with it. I''m sure he did nothing. Just ease your mind.

 

[kama_s]

Mer, I am really sorry you're going through this

That said, I don't think it's reasonable for him to not like the fact you're checking the text messages and getting them printed. He put you in a position where you (and anyone else) would doubt him. If anything, he should be gladly showing all the text transcripts to you to prove it was really nothing.

If he's hesitant to show you the transcipts, my antenna would be way up. You only hide if there's something to hide. But before you ask the cell phone company to give you a print out, ask him if he'd be willing to show you the text messages. That way you're giving him a chance to explain what happened to you, and with that information you can work things out TOGETHER.

I hope everything works out ok. *hug*

ETA: just read he deleted all the messages. I dont know why he would do that without letting you read them first. If my FI ever doubted me, I'd do everything to show/prove I am innocent instead of leaving behind a question mark in his mind. I'd get the transripts printed by the cell phone company.

 

[dreaming of the day]

Oh Mer, I am so sorry you have to agonize over this right now. This is awful, and I am sure you are full of anxiety. I haven''t been through this but I can only imagine. I would want to know exactly what was in those messages, and I would have them printed - whether they were good or bad I would need to know. You can always work through things you know, but if you assume, and the assumptions are incorrect than you may be punishing him and yourself for no good reason. Don''t go through all the heartache of something truly terrible occuring, if it hasn''t actually occurred. Just be sure and get proof either way.

I would print the text messages, and if they are bad than bring them to the table, if they are not - than just drop it.

Thanks for sharing, I know it must have been difficult to tell us, but whatever the outcome we are here to support and love you.

Good Luck!

 

[CNYHopeful]

Oh, Meresal, I''m soooo sorry to hear this. Hugs and wishes of comfort. You have always been so good at giving advice to me and so many of the other ladies. Please know that we hope to reciprocate the encouragement.

I would certainly suggest that you sit down and talk with your FI and give him an opportunity to recall what he remembers from the night. I''d ease him into it by acknowledging that if the guys were all encouraging him in such a way, that with liquor and everything in him, that he might not have thought about how an innocent conversation could become hurtful. Let him know that 1) this does bother you, 2) that you want to hear him out and understand the situation better, and 3) that his truthfulness now will help you to rebuild trust in him and put this in the past.

Most of all, I believe that having this open and honest discussion will help you to let your pain out, help him to lay it all out there, calm any fears of the unknown (which is probably the part that hurts the most), and open an opportunity for him to re-earn the trust. Sometimes it''s the innocent guys that feel the most guilt from a perceived wrong and that is good news.

Honesty and complete honesty is so important in a situation like this, and although it might sting for a little bit in the present, it will only help both of you to grow in communication, honesty, and convictions. Lastly, I think his friends need to grow up! (sorry, no offense, but it sounds like they were acting like a bunch of bachelors who don''t consider a woman''s right to feelings and are caught up in this lie of the glory of bachelor-hood. Your FI deserves better friends than that...and that''s why my FI is not going out with his uncle anytime before the wedding, because he knows better).

Anyways, we''re here for you, ready to support you and hope everything is resolved soon. Hang in there.

 

[lliang_chi]

Mere,

Sorry to hear about all this. Lots of hugs to you.

It sounds like you have a lot of faith in him and his character. I know it''s easy for me to say since I''m outside of the situation but, I think you should go with your faith in him. It''s reasonable, if he was out on his bachelor party, to be up at all hours of the night and sending messages. It could be a blow to his trust in you if you get the texts printed out.

But if it''s causing you this much anguish, talk to him first about how this makes you feel. "FI, I need to talk to you about your weekend. I feel uncomfortable that you spent the weekend hanging out with this girl and her friends. I know you and the type of person you are, but I do not know this girl and that part of the situation is causing me to feel anxious. It''d help me if you can tell me exactly what happened during the weekend." Have him give you the play-by-play of what the weekend & messages were about. Then determine how you feel about it. If you''re still not satisfied, tell him you''d like to have the texts printed.

I think the best resolution to this is complete honesty and communication. Like I said it sounds like you put a lot of trust in your FI & your relationship. It could be the stress of the wedding that''s causing all this anxiety and this is a very palatable flash point for said stress and anxiety.

Hugs & good luck.

 

[NovemberBride]

Meresal,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. If I were in your situation, I would definitely want to know or it would drive me nuts. In addition to reading the texts, or if the texts aren''t available, I would want to see the pictures and I''d also probably want to hear what the other wives, fiancees and girlfriends of your Fis friends had to say about this weekend. I notice that with respect to bachelor parties and similar events, some guys share more with their SOs than others and the truth will usually come out. I would be livid if my DH was texting another woman all night - just seems inappropriate to me. HIs friends all have their own cell phones if they want to text women they meet at bars, they don''t need my DH to do it for them. That said, I am perfectly fine with my DH going to bachelor parties other other guys nights and conversing with groups of women, I do the same when out with my friends. I draw the line at exchanging numbers. But, everyone is not the same.

When I was engaged, I went on a trip to Chicago for St. Patrick''s Day with a bunch of my girlfriends. At a bar on St. Patty''s Day, we made friends with a group of guys on a bachelor party. There was some harmless flirting, joking and dancing, which I don''t consider to be wrong on anyone''s part. Some of the guys who were married exchanged numbers with some of my single friends as we were leaving and called them later that night and on the rest of the trip and asked us to come to their hotel room. This was completely inappropriate to me, as was the fact that several of these men continued to communicate with my friends after the trip. Even if nothing physical happened, in my mind this is opening Pandora''s box. If it were my FI, I''d get to the bottom of what happened, and even if nothing happened, I''d make it clear that the exchange of numbers and continued contact was not ok (assuming of course, that this is how you feel, which I imagine it is given your posts)

 

[ams0124]

Mere first off big hug to you for having to go through this...Whether or not something did or didn''t happen I know what a horrible feeling it is to suddenly have your trust in someone you love shaken.

My advice to you is do what you think is right in your gut. Your FI loves you and you know that. If reading these texts will make you feel better I''d say read um. If you can live with your FI''s word that nothing happened and it was all innocent drunkenness than that''s fine too.

I can see the reasons for doing both, and it really is dependent on your personal relationship. Regardless of what you plan to do with the text messages, I think there is definitely some trust issues that are going to result from this...and what''s most important is that you begin to work through that. From what you say about your relationship here on PS, you and your FI have an incredible bond, and I have a feeling that you two will get through this stronger and more committed than before.

HUGS to you dear!!

 

[blackbetty]

I had a cimilar situation, sort of, involving some emails I read. I''m at work, but will post more later.

Suffice it to say, the words might be more incriminating than the deed. His reaction suggests he feels guilty about something, though. Maybe suggest that-- if there was nothing wholly inappropriate beyond maybe a little flirting and drunken douchebagger-- he print them out FOR you, to put your mind at ease. Allow him to explain anything that you find questionable. Also, if you are on good terms with any of his friends, maybe you ask them if they would tell you if FI went too far.

 

[katamari]

First off, Mere, I want you to know how terribly sorry I am to hear that you are so upset by this. It pains me to read this and see how much it is bothering you!

I don''t really know what to say or if I have any advice to offer you. I would like to warn you that assuming he is guilty without knowing for sure is probably more harmful to your relationship than if you keep an open mind until you know exactly what has happened. A healthy dose of suspicion is fine, but I think if you convince yourself that anything wrong happened, it is far to easy to make this your reality--when it may in fact not be.

My take on the situation is actually somewhat different from the majority of the other posters. I hope it might help to read another perspective.

I have read through all the posts, and I think several posters are taking a guilty until proven stance on the matter. I am not sure I would jump to that conclusion. I believe that, with 15 guys in tow, there will be a continuum of intentions for meeting up with a group of girls. Yes, there are the guys that want to romp in the sack with whoever is willing, but just as many (probably more) guys would be interested in just talking to them and developing friendships. Being able to meet people and make platonic friendships is a much more healthy trait than not being able to do that.

Throw in that they were all there for a similar purpose and to me it seems natural that the groups would merge up. The fact that your FI started talking with the bride also seems perfectly natural to me, as they have the most in common. Plus, like Pearl said, 30 texts over a drunken weekend seems reasonable to me, as well--especially for people trying to coordinate meetings and if they are serving as organizers. I know this is a poor comparison, but I have to go to workshops from time to time where I don''t know anyone. When I meet up with other grad students there, we become BFFs almost instantaneously. I talk to them much more than I would a "normal" close friend and the friendship is way accelerated because it makes an awkward, unfamiliar situation tolerable. Sometimes these are mixed-gendered friends, but they are always completely innocent.

Yes, the texts are gone, so he would have to go to great lengths to recreate them. But, while some posters see this as suspicious, I see this as he deleted them because, at the time, he felt like that is what you wanted him to do. It is not like he did it on the plane home, but after you both expressed that they violated boundaries and he learned that they hurt you. (You wrote that he said he deleted the conversation right away after he found out that it upset you). The fact that he isn''t telling you about the others could mean several things--he could not have been the only texter, he could have forgotten, he could have been drinking a lot, . . . a million other things. . ., or that he is trying to keep something from you. I know my FI and I know that in a similar situation he would be up partying all night and I don''t think it is unreasonable for them to have been texting at all hours of the night. If it was at home while everyone else was asleep, sure, that is a little skeezy. So find out if it was like that or not. I would almost guarantee that more than one guy was up from landing in LV to departure to TX. And, again, this is just from my perspective, the texts he did share with you, in my opinion, seem completely harmless--borderline polite, even.

If you think it would make you feel more comfortable, look at the pictures. If I were in the situation, I would imagine the bride-to-be as Giselle Bunchen and all of her friends to be similar. It might be best to see that they were just normal people. But, when you see them, please remember to look at them with an open mind. If you can''t do that, look at them twice--once assuming that everything is completely innocent and one thing assuming it is not. If you only assume the worst, you will absolutely see it.

I am not trying to say that it was the most desirable situation for your FI to get into, but I do just want to point out that there are a million possibilities. Have the two of you discussed what is "going too far" before when meeting people of the opposite sex? If not, I believe in the very least this can turn into a healthy opportunity to set boundaries. You have to have a way that both of you can interact with opposite sexed people in a way that does not bring suspicion or guilt in the relationship. In the worst case, it will be an opportunity for you to show yourself sticking to your word if he crossed that line.

I will be thinking about you! (((((HUGS)))))

 

[SarahLovesJS]

..sending you hugs and prayers. I would also want to know everything. If I didn''t..I''d always wonder what I didn''t know even if it will be damaging, I wouldn''t be able to work through the hurt, betrayal, or even the fact that I was afraid that he betrayed me until I knew exactly what happened/what was said. Was it something or was it nothing? I''d want to know. If you can get it reprinted..I''d do it..but that''s just my advice. Again, sending prayers..

 

[modernsparkler]

I just wanted to say I am so sorry... There has been lots of advice on here and I just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you and I am hoping that you can find a way to work through this.

 

[galvana]

OMG Meresal - this sucks. and I totally understand why you can''t talk to your family and friends.
ughhhhhhhhh - I honestly dont know what the best thing for you to do is.
I mean, ughhhhhhhhhhhhh i dont know if i would want to read the texts or not.

wiat ! did he ONLY text her while he was in chicago? if yes, he only did it while he was with the guys??? if yes, i would let it go.
really - if he texted her multiple times AFTER he got home, that is another story.

if he has not given you any reason not to trust him, dont try to find one.
I KNOW this is much harder to say then do, but you have to -

i hope this helps you some. i wouldn''t want to be in your shoes, but i think letting it go (IF it was only done while he was with the guys)
is the best decision.