emotional help, please...

[Bliss]

Meresal, I just saw this and wanted to say I'm glad things have calmed down and you were able to communicate deeply with your FI. (HUGS) Having crazy thoughts and being tormented by doubt is natural -- add to that the stress of planning a wedding and you've got a really big pot of emotions. Is this the point of no return? Is it a sign? Only you know, in your heart.

I don't know you and your FI personally, but to me it does seem like nothing happened. He was probably texting about locations, perhaps there was some playful banter - but I would guess that no man of honor would take it further than that. He was surrounded by his friends. Some people text like they're eating candy: ping! ping! ping! and it's more like sending e-mail and not emotional. I'd be more worried if they had called each other and had long conversations. That would be crossing the line for me.

Another quesiton is, what are his friends like? Are they rowdy stip club goers or married/engaged guys in serious relationships? I find it odd that they'd push your FI to take another girl's number, even to coordinate. That would be his best man's job or a groomsman's duty. You don't push a man about to get married to exchange numbers with a random girl before his wedding! Geez. Men know they get in trouble for strange texts from random girls - so why make the man who's about to get married do it? Crazy. Are these guys frat dude enablers/saboteurs to relationships? Or are they decent men who support their friends' relationships and keep their buddies out of trouble?

In the end, if you choose to believe him - you have to make that choice and stick to it. Don't entertain the nagging doubts and go down that widening spiral of emotion. It'll just make life hell for you both. It would make sense he'd hyperventilate and get scared because HE KNOWS YOU and he knows he could lose you. I don't think it's guilt, I interpret it as him knowing you're a no nonsense self-respecting confident woman who would NOT tolerate this behavior. He knows if there were any doubt, you'd kick him to the curb.

Sure, this makes you MAD. Sure, it causes doubt. But in the end, you have to SIT with this, and look into your heart - do you trust him? Do you believe him? What is up with all the white lies and dodgy shifting of historical events? Is it just his way of trying to keep the peace? A lot of people who grew up in really chaotic or emotional households with controlling parents tend to tell these white lies here and there. They were taught to do so to avoid huge catastrophic dramas. Is that it or does he have a lying problem? Only you know.

In any case, things like this are a hidden blessing. You are both learning a LOT more than you thought about each other. In marriage, there will be tons of challenges. This is a test of riding it out and repairing damage done... or it may be a sign to you that maybe you should take a closer look. I wish you the best!

 

[Bia]

I missed this yesterday Mer. I''m really sorry that this happened, but I''m glad you and he were able to work through it. You did nothing wrong, IMO. He is responsible for his own behavior and if he wants to be a married man, a grown-up, then he needs to know how to communicate with his wife. The truth, no matter what it is, is better than lies. End of story. You trust him but still you felt you had to know what went on. I would have done the very same thing. It''s like a disease, it get''s into your brain and it doesn''t stop until you know.

Again, I''m glad it all worked out but I''m sorry you felt so scared and alone in this. PS-gals are so wonderful. I am amazed at the support on here. It really helps to know that you have friends who will be there for you if, and when, you need them.

(((BIG HUGS)))

 

[NakedFinger]

meresal- I just wanted to say sorry for the situation you are in, and you know your fiance and whether you can trust him or not. I may be a little extreme...but I think all of it is cheating. Stip clubs, hitting on other girls, talking via text, etc. To me, there can me emotional cheating, it doesnt have to just be physical and its disrespectful. I know I am VERY extreme on this, and dont expect many others to feel the same way (Feel free to make fun of me

). So I am probably the wrong person to give advice on this!

I just want to point out what others have as well, which is the reaction he had of crying and such, woukld bug me. Because he thought it extreme enough to loose you. I think if he had nothing to hide, or didnt think it was a big deal, he would have been like "WTF, what is your deal?"

I am not saying he did anything you should be worried about, I just want to make sure you think about it long and hard. I have seen too many girls brush away things problems/issues/drama because its right before their wedding (and I mean ALOT of girls) only to have the issue resurface afterwards and cause problems in the marriage and even divorce.

It seems that you too have worked it out, that your GUT instinct was accurate (always trust your gut) that you had nothign to worry about, and that the two of you will be fine. But just make sure you have NO reservations, doubts, or a bad taste in your mouth before the wedding. If you do, then make sure everything is cleared up prior to the big day.

Thank you for telling us and allowing us to give you impartial advice and not being afraid to open up about your FI in fear of how thigns would be viewed. Thats what we're here for!

BTW: THIS is why I hate bachelor parties!!! lol

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 5/4/2009 10:34:07 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
I do also believe that they were texting innocently all night - but that doesn''t make it right. I also don''t like that he lied to you about the strip club thing... I would probably have the text messages printed just to be sure. After all, if you believe they are innocent, then it''s not a big deal. I wonder if a part of you is worried about seing something you don''t like or don''t want to see? I don''t think that looking them up will mean you don''t trust him - and in all honesty - I have a feeling you will resent him for quite some time if you don''t find out once and for all.

I completely agree.

mere- You don''t want this in the back of your head for the rest of your life. I''m glad you feel that he is telling you the truth (and I so much hope that he is) but maybe if it were me, I''d tell him just for reassurance, you''d like to see the messages and then you can move on from there. If he really didn''t do anything wrong, then he should have no problem proving to you that nothing happened. He should also understand why you would need that extra reassurance as well...I''d still want to see the proof just to be sure. After all, he already lied to you about the strip club. I would think he ought to WANT to show you those messages just to prove to you that he didn''t do anything wrong.

 

[meresal]

Thank you everyone. I know I sound like a broken record, but you all have no idea how grateful I am for all of your hugs. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

I don't know how to explain it without getting too graphic, but trust me, I know he didn't cheat on me. It may seem weird, but he chooses NOT to do certain "things" while we're away from eachother, because he's feels better, knowing that when we're back "together" he can prove that nothing happened. I'm not sure there is any other way to say that... so, I hope it made sense.

As far as the texts. I know he didn't cheat on me so I would rather not read any innocent flirting that might have transpired. I don't think there was any, but who knows where my mind would take an innocent text. Also, like someone said before, there is no way of knowing if he was actually the one that sent all the texts. I'm fine not knowing. I trust him.

Also, to answer a few of your concerns. FI's initial reaction last night was scary, but here's a short version of him as a person. He has a hard time putting together thoughts and sentances when he's flustered, or upset. He usually gets very emotional and he has to take a few minutes to calm down and collect his thoughts. This was a very extreme case, but yes, he is an emotional person. He has started taking some new medication, and he says that if this doesn't help his sleep patterns and overall anxiety then he/we (haven't deicided if we will both attend or maybe he'll go every week, and I'll go once a month with him) will seek some counseling to help him gain better control of himself in these situations. He realizes that it will help in our relationship as well as at his work.

Bliss, you have put everything into your post exactly how I wish I could express the situation myself. Thank you.

Date: 5/5/2009 10:45:35 AM
Author: Bliss
Meresal, I just saw this and wanted to say I'm glad things have calmed down and you were able to communicate deeply with your FI. (HUGS) Having crazy thoughts and being tormented by doubt is natural -- add to that the stress of planning a wedding and you've got a really big pot of emotions. Is this the point of no return? Is it a sign? Only you know, in your heart.
-This is why I chose to post this in BWW. Many of the ladies here know the stress and emotions that are running thru me at this time, and would understand why I would be reacting the way I did.

I don't know you and your FI personally, but to me it does seem like nothing happened. He was probably texting about locations, perhaps there was some playful banter - but I would guess that no man of honor would take it further than that. He was surrounded by his friends. Some people text like they're eating candy: ping! ping! ping! and it's more like sending e-mail and not emotional. I'd be more worried if they had called each other and had long conversations. That would be crossing the line for me.
-He told me that the girls enjoyed baing around them and meeting FI, becuase he wasn't hitting on them all night like the Bachelor party they had hung out with the night before. I also checked the phone calls yesterday, and they only spoke on the phone 2 times the entire weekend for a total of 2 minutes. This releived me, because like you, the voice recognition is much more of a factor to me than texting.

Another quesiton is, what are his friends like? Are they rowdy stip club goers or married/engaged guys in serious relationships? I find it odd that they'd push your FI to take another girl's number, even to coordinate. That would be his best man's job or a groomsman's duty. You don't push a man about to get married to exchange numbers with a random girl before his wedding! Geez. Men know they get in trouble for strange texts from random girls - so why make the man who's about to get married do it? Crazy. Are these guys frat dude enablers/saboteurs to relationships? Or are they decent men who support their friends' relationships and keep their buddies out of trouble?
-His friends had ALOT to do with this weekend. Hard core partiers and lots of the, "This is you Bachelor party, you CAN'T talk to Mere!" Most of the guys are single. His best man is his younger brother and he doesn't know crap. I'll leave it at that. He doesn't want to be responsible for anything, especially when it comes via request from his older brother, my FI. FI has two groups of friends, high school guys that treat him like crap (he used to be overweight in high school, and they still treat him like an outcast), and his Frat brothers that think he's the coolest guy ever. Guess which one he gravitates towards?? The frat guys are hardcore partiers, and FI loves being around them. He got caught up being the popular guy again, which I can totally understand because he misses those guys so much (We live in the same city as the high school friends, so he doesn't really get to see his real friends very often). He apologized for letting them take over his better judgement. I believe it will never happen again. (It's nto that they purposely get him into trouble, I don't think. FI just kinda goes with the flow when he's around them.)

In the end, if you choose to believe him - you have to make that choice and stick to it. Don't entertain the nagging doubts and go down that widening spiral of emotion. It'll just make life hell for you both. It would make sense he'd hyperventilate and get scared because HE KNOWS YOU and he knows he could lose you. I don't think it's guilt, I interpret it as him knowing you're a no nonsense self-respecting confident woman who would NOT tolerate this behavior. He knows if there were any doubt, you'd kick him to the curb.

Sure, this makes you MAD. Sure, it causes doubt. But in the end, you have to SIT with this, and look into your heart - do you trust him? Do you believe him? What is up with all the white lies and dodgy shifting of historical events? Is it just his way of trying to keep the peace? A lot of people who grew up in really chaotic or emotional households with controlling parents tend to tell these white lies here and there. They were taught to do so to avoid huge catastrophic dramas. Is that it or does he have a lying problem? Only you know.
-His dad cheated on his mom multiple times with a stripper. He knows that those lines can be crossed and is aware that VIP rooms and private areas are completely out of the question. He wants nothing to do with them. However, between the things I can only imagine his friends were saying about having a "great" time at the strip club, and then admitting that they went the very first night there, I think he thought my initail reaction would be a bad one. Doesn't excuse the lie, but might shed a little light on his idiotic reasoning.

In any case, things like this are a hidden blessing. You are both learning a LOT more than you thought about each other. In marriage, there will be tons of challenges. This is a test of riding it out and repairing damage done... or it may be a sign to you that maybe you should take a closer look. I wish you the best!
-In all honesty things have completely changed. We were not the happiest we have ever been, far from it actually, and we both knew it. It feels like we're back to bliss again. We're going on a dinner/movie date tonight, and I couldn't be happier. Last night was the lowest point of our relationship, and in my heart I feel like 2 months before the wedding, this is exactly what we needed, or I needed. I needed to see that we could rationally talk about such a situation, and I now know that I honestly do trust him. Not that I didn't, but it's different once you can look back on a situation, rather that look forward hoping that you will react accordingly.

Thank you Bliss, for your post and your time. I really appreciate it.

 

[Dreamgirl]

So long as you feel good with this, then I''m happy the two of you sorted things out and as always, I wish you all the best. All that matters is that you trust him and the both of you are happy and can move on from this!

 

[blackbetty]

I do know how yuo feel. In my situation, which I referenced 90,000 posts ago on this thread, I read some emails.

FI''s ex (from several years before we met) is a hot mess. They were on again/ off again for a couple years, and this girl just never knew who she was. FI never knew who she was going to turn out to be week to week. Eventually she joined the peace corp (a while after they broke up) and had drama there. SHe joined the military and had drama there, including marrying some guy she barely knew who was soon shipped off somewhere else. They had contact time to time, nothing that bothered me.

Anyway, a couple years back, she was in the middle of divorcing the husband of her short-lived marriage & her father had a stroke. I don''t know why she chose to lean on FI (he said she has no close friends & he''s always been there for her; I say someone with no close friends is waving a giant red flag at you), but I was like "By all means, it''s terrible...do what you gotta do." She called nearly neighly for a couple weeks. The calls tapered off, but I remained irritated by their frequency & their timing (seriously, where do you think he is at 11:30 on a Friday or Saturday--he''s either out with me, or in bed with me!).

FI was on a business trip shortly after we were engaged. He had asked my dad via email if they could meet for dinner (so he could ask him for permission--I asked him to do this if we were ever to get engaged, since I knew it would mean a lot to my dad). My dad the CPA was still super busy from tax season, and it ended up going down over emal. I found out after the engagement & really wanted to know what they talked about but neither would tell me, so I decided to look for myself.

Instead, I found several emails to the ex, who I didn''t think he still had any contact with, being a year or so after her Dad took ill & there''d been no recent calls. Some of the things he said made my blood literally run cold. I get sick thinking about it. He wrote her that he had a dream about her the day before we were engaged. What?! He emailed her to tell her good luck at her new job & signed off "Love You." He reference "what they meant to each other." I was so crushed, but at the same time I couldn''t imagine him cheating. He had never cheated on anyone before, and he was always super dedicated to me & our relationship, but what was this all about?! I spoke to a mutual friend, and he thought the idea that FI would cheat was ludicrous. He pointed out that if FI is out for Wednesday nite guy''s night out, he leaves early to make sure he can see me before I go to sleep (which I wasn''t aware of--I thought they were always done around 10:30). He also though FI was more likely trying to placate a crazy person or be supportive, because that''s just who he is. He can''t be hurtful, he''s really dedicated to friends, & always there for someone who needs him.

FI got home & explained that a few months before, she had asked if there was any chance he''d be moving to where she lived for work, and how things were going with me. I told him that''s the point he should have ended communication. He said after that it was very weird, so as they continued the friendship he tried to be extra nice to her. He felt saying "You and I have no choice because I love someone else" would be to harsh considering her somewhat unstable personality. I still couldn''t beleive some of the things he said, but he had some somewhat valid reasoning, and pointed out it wasn''t meant for me any way. I really did believe him immediately, which is something because I was looking not to. I was prepared to sell the ring & walk away. It took awhile, but we got over the hump. He felt truly awful for hurting me & assured me nothing happened. I told him "Look, I''ve never asked that you not talk to someone I don''t like, or an ex, or dumb girls who flirt with yuo...but I hope you can see why this would be a problem for me. I''m still not going to ask that you never speak to her, just that you tell me if she has had any contact with you." After he changed his myspace to "engaged," she pretty much disappeared.

So, these situations can be a giant pile of suck, but they may not always be what they seem. Knowing my fiance, I can safely say I know he''s not a cheater, and that what he said about trying to be there for her & not hurt her is clearly demonstrated by his relationship with everyone else in his life. But it was stupid. Damn stupid. If you know yours, chances are he was just damn stupid, but not a cheater.

 

[GoodSoul]

Meresal,

I am late to the thread but is glad that you trusted him and is ready to get over this. The internal deliberation of the trust issue is not easy. I am a person who gets bugged very easily when things don''t line up right. It''s really a mind and heart issue. However, I also know that what matters is how YOU feel. Only you would know deep down if you are 100% sure about him and if he is worth it to just move on. If you are, then, that''s all it matters.

You mentioned before that you didn''t expect this to happen to you. Hope that you took this opportunity to set the ground rules more clearly and he needs to stand in your position and consider your feelings as well, especially when it comes to such sensitive areas.

Hope you are feeling better! >>>>>>

 

[meresal]

blackbetty- I can''t imagine if this had been an ex. I don''t want to actually. I have a feeling you, as much as me, did not feel comfortable sharing such a story on a Wedding forum. The last place you want to shed ill light on your SO, is where you look for the most supposrt in these times. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Wht kind of steps did you all take to move past this? Did you have a hard time not checking his emails?

Dream- I can read in your post, as I did in others, that you still have hesitation about my choice to move on so quickly, and I am actaully very pleased to see that. It truly shows that PS is not a "puppies and rainbows" kinda place, and everyone does have other''s best interests at heart. Thank you for that.

Thank you girls for caring so much. Now that I have shared this with you all, I will be sure to post updates.

 

[princesss]

Mere, are you engaged to my BF? Seriously, they could be twins. Overweight in HS, with friends from there that kind of make up feel not so great about himself, and friends from college that party it up and make him feel like a cool, fun guy (and can lead to bad choices). The more I read about this situation, the more I can see myself doing exactly what you did. Does your FI wingman for his friends a lot? BF is often the non-threatening friend that''s happily in a relationship and can make the "targets" feel more at ease.

I think it''s great that you went with your gut on this. I thought about your situation a lot and talked it over with BF and I realized that my first instinct would be to trust him. Then I''d get left alone with not much to do and a lot of time to think, get myself worked up, and freak out. Then I''d calm down and think about it, realize he wouldn''t do anything, and talk about the issues it brought up.

Sometimes it takes a really hard time to make you realize what you have. I instigated a break a while back and making it through that made me honestly work out my issues, and I''m back in this 100% and without any doubts. I hope this is able to do the same for you. It was hard and miserable, but I bet you appreciate what you''ve got a lot more right now. It''s such a relief to face the idea of not having your SO around, only to realize that doesn''t have to be the case *at all*.

I''m glad you''ve got a guy you can trust. He may have slipped a little and used poor judgement on this, but even the best guys in the world do that. It''s about making sure you guys are solid and that slips like this (esp. him lying to you) won''t happen again.

 

[blackbetty]

You''re right, I sure didn''t want to share it. To people who have been burned in a situation like that, it sounds crazy to stay. But, I dont'' feel at all suspicious. I don''t wonder where he''s been (I usually know!) or who he talks to. I had an ex cheat. I felt suspicious. I felt like he was withholding. I felt he was secretive. With FI, I do feel like I completely trust him, even if he has some major league idiot moments. Even my MOH thought for him to cheat sounded out of character. If your best girlfriend is ready to believe it, I think that says somehting, too.

I didn''t get over it too quickly. It would pop into my head at times & I''d get sulky & upset. Most of the time though, it just felt like me & him, the way it always had. After a while you just stop thinking about it. He didn''t cheat, but I wanted to impress on him that he needs to be open with me. Ommission is a lie. Even if it''s a matter of thinking it would be easier if I didn''t know what she had suggested, or that they were still in occassional contact (since I''d been telling him it bugged me that she called often & the time of day--2 hour time difference, but still). So he is open & I don''t kill him in his sleep. It''s kind of a deal we have.

As for the emails, I did poke my head in 1-2 times. It had been months since the last email when I found them, and not a peep when I checked. His one email is always logged in, and if I asked to see it, he said he''d show me. BUt I''m trying not to sweat it.

 

[dcgator]

Date: 5/5/2009 1:52:06 PM
Author: GoodSoul
Meresal,

I am late to the thread but is glad that you trusted him and is ready to get over this. The internal deliberation of the trust issue is not easy. I am a person who gets bugged very easily when things don''t line up right. It''s really a mind and heart issue. However, I also know that what matters is how YOU feel. Only you would know deep down if you are 100% sure about him and if he is worth it to just move on. If you are, then, that''s all it matters.

You mentioned before that you didn''t expect this to happen to you. Hope that you took this opportunity to set the ground rules more clearly and he needs to stand in your position and consider your feelings as well, especially when it comes to such sensitive areas.

Hope you are feeling better! >>>>>>

Meresal,
I too have come on a bit late as I was in NYC the past two days without my computer...

Sorry to hear about the situation, but I am happy that you found the support you needed here. I am happy that things have been resolved with you and your fiance. I hope that you will be able to enjoy the last two months of your engagement and that you will go into marriage with a better understanding of you and your partner.

Big Hug!

 

[motownmama]

I hate these batchelor/bachelorette parties - they seem predicated onmaking the intended say or do something stupid imo.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 5/4/2009 4:03:20 PM
Author: meresal

They, FI and 15 other guys a Bachelor party, met a Bachelorette group from Chicago. FI talked with the soon-to-be bride for quite a while at the bar, and when everyone was leaving, the other guys told FI to get the bride''s # so they could all hang out again. Stupid, stupid, stupid FI agreed.

Well FI, got home yesterday at about 2, and we were talking about his trip, and he told me how they met these girls and had a good time and he and the bride talked about about her FI and me. Well, about 6:30 last night, he gets 2 text messages from her. 1st: ''We had so much fun!! Y''all are a great group of guys!! Let me know if you want me to email you the pictures!!'' 2nd: ''I wish you and your FI all the best.''

First of all, (((((BIG HUG!)))))

Second, I have not read past the middle of page 2 of this thread, for a reason. Judging by his reaction, and what she said, you have nothing to worry about.

Seems to me that a bunch of drunk guys met up with a bunch of buzzed girls, all having a good time celebrating their bud''s upcoming weddings. Keep in mind that the stress guys put on each other to have a great time at the bachelor night can get out of hand, add alcohol = lack of judgement. Doesn''t sound like he did anything major, and honestly, if you know you have a good man JUST LET IT GO. It was one night with his friends getting stupid and hanging out in a group. If the girl had sent something more like "I really had fun with you", THEN you''d have something to worry about. Let it go, hun. This is not a fatal mistake.

I have learned two very important things from my ex-husband. #1, trust your gut, and #2, don''t ask questions that you may not want to know the answer to, especially if it''s not something really important.

 

[meresal]

Date: 5/5/2009 3:17:54 PM
Author: motownmama
I hate these batchelor/bachelorette parties - they seem predicated onmaking the intended say or do something stupid imo.

I felt that way before, and I still feel that way after.

FI has been to Vegas more than a handful of times, sometimes without me, and sometimes together, but when he has gone without me (family or other person's bachelor party), he has never so much as missed replying to a text or phone call. This trip, since it was HIS bachelor party though, was a different story. It's the attention that "Bachelor" party attracts that I don't agree with.

FI told me that their last night there, a woman sitting two booths over in their VIP section at the club, had the guys next to my FI's group ask him if he was interested in her . He looked back at them dumbfounded, and replied, "No. I'm getting married, it is kind of understood, as this is my "Bachelor Party"." The woman then walked over to my FI, and told him, "You are a good man. You stay that way. She's a lucky girl. There aren't many like you around anymore"

I was like WTF

So she tries to hit on him b/c it's his Bachelor party, and then she commends him on his morality. These are the kind of people that only seem to show up around Bachelor and Bachelorette parties.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I agree, Mer. Obviously a man is to blame if he does something stupid at his bachelor party, but it often seems that the point of the night is to get him drunk and emberrass him or push him to his limits in front of friends. The horror stories you hear from bachelor parties just makes me question the appeal. Not to get into a general discussion about bachelor parties...it''s just that stuff like this always seems to happen: nice guy gets drunk, does something stupid and breaks girlfriend''s trust. Obviously this instance is very minor compared to others, but it''s definitely not something you want to think about while getting ready to get married.

 

[princesss]

I was like WTF

So she tries to hit on him b/c it''s his Bachelor party, and then she commends him on his morality. These are the kind of people that only seem to show up around Bachelor and Bachelorette parties.

Probably softening the blow to her own ego.

 

[gwendolyn]

Meresal, sweetheart, I am so sorry you went through this. Bachelor parties seem to bring out the worst in so many people (eww, like the skanky ladies who seem to gravitate towards soon-to-be-married men). It''s good that the two of you were able to work through things and feel better about the situation. Lots and LOTS of hugs to you, darlin''. I''m sure it was no fun at all. *hugs*

 

[tlh]

Planning my wedding made me crazy. Mean, cranky, and crazy. I was soo stressed out. Even though I 100% trust my nowDH, I would have flipped. Just because of the timing, the "lies", etc. Not to mention, the trust you show allowing him to go off to another state to celebrate with his friends, in a way that is not only expensive, but in a way that was disrepectful.

He re-pays this trust, by getting a girl''s phone number, and texting her all weekend, possibly meeting up at some point and hanging out... with a stranger. Who later feels compelled to text him again, and say how much fun he and his friends are. And yes, taking another woman''s phone number, even w/ the most innocent of intentions, in my oppinion is completely inappropriate. Especially when you add the context, of not communicating with your intended, being several hundred miles apart, and with a group of partying guys who may not be the most supportive of monogamy. But, alcohol affects one''s judgement (otherwise I''d gladly say I''ve never used the restroom anywhere but a bathroom w/ double ply TP.).

I''m glad you have it all worked out, it is one of those things that never would have occurred to him. Lieing of course makes the most sense. Why spoil your vegas party, if you are going to regret everything you do while you are there... so tell a few simple white lies while out, and clean up when you get back (if you find out). To me bachelor parties are for the friends, never for the grooms. The few that were, the friends said, what do you want to do? Some grooms say, a day of golfing, or going to a sporting event, followed by drinking... I don''t know many grooms that say, strippers, hookers, dr*gs, and alcohol please! I definately believe your guy, it was innocent, just a bunch of guys who saw a bunch of naked strippers. The next day ran into a bachellorette party when the hormones were pumping - saying... dude dude, get the number, you''re the groom (ie NOT A THREAT) so they could try to hook up w/ the friends. It is known that the more time you spend w/ a girl even in a short period of time, the more likely that girl is to put out... I''m sure the friends were hoping for some friend action.

It is also very like a girl to send a "closure message" wrap up of the event, share photos etc... send a thank you note/ text if you will. Not like a guy. It is a pretty innocent thing, and I am sure your FI would love photos from the weekend... not thinking at all about the context or how it could have upset you. Now he knows, what withholding, changing and manipulating information can do... and I doubt he''ll do it again. You mean too much to him.

I wouldn''t worry about this, I think it has resolved itself... but I totally see the emotional rollercoaster you''ve been on the past 48 hours.

HUGS!

 

[Bliss]

Meresal, you''re welcome! I''m so happy I could help in some way.

Well, it sounds like this was a very good wake-up call to you both to TALK. If anything, it shows your FI that he CAN come to you about touchy issues. Believe me, a lot of men WANT to come to us but they''re too scared to. I''m happy that you also see that maybe you can also do some work on the relationship to make him feel safe enough to be completely vulnerable with you. Over time, you will be more and more like his Rock of Gibraltar, so to speak. Then he can come to you and say, "Mere, I messed up. I need to talk to you." That''s where all of this is going. We''re all going to mess up from time to time. It''s how we move forward that counts.

Also, you seem to be a very accomplished woman. That''s intimidating to a lot of men. Look, we women are really smart and we expect to be treated well. We know our worth and expect to be treated with respect. It takes a REALLY REALLY STRONG MAN to be with a Great Woman. They have to be confident, they have to be secure and so many other things to be with an extraordinary woman. It''s true!

So maybe it''s good also that you have had this eye opening experience. You can be softer and more forgiving at times - and extra extra gentle when he comes to you with his flaws. I know in my own experience, it was hard at first for DH to come to me when he was feeling weak or vulnerable. Now, I know it''s all he ever wanted to do. But it took a long time for him to see that it wouldn''t lessen him in my eyes for seeing his vulnerability. It made me respect and love him more. The world can see him as strong and powerful. I get to see the man behind that crown, you know?

Do you remember the movie Sex & the City? Remember when Miranda and Steve met on the Brooklyn Bridge? It''s like that! Of course FI didn''t cheat -- but once you decide to forgive, you have to let it ALL go. No more nagging doubts, no more moments of torment when you''re alone and no more resentment and fear. Make a date or something where just the two of you do something symbolic (even simple) to move forward like that -- make it a celebration. I believe you when you write that you are happier now. The truth sets you free, girl! Now you have to live that truth! Don''t dwell if you''ve decided to trust. Real trust means TOTALLY 100% trusting. So when you catch yourself with the nagging doubt - swat it like you would a gnat. Swat! You are sooooo bigger than this.

I read something called the 10-10-10 rule. When stuff comes up you ask - will this matter in 10 days? 10 months? 10 years? Usually the crap we sweat - it doesn''t go beyond 10 minutes. UNLESS WE LET IT!

 

[tyty333]

Meresal - you sound like a very level headed person...it will go a long way towards a happy and healthy marriage.

 

[CellarDoor]

So, you''re not going to look at the texts?

Let''s see here, he gets home, confesses a tiny bit about some girl he met. You find out that he is lying about the extent of their communication, and then he confesses a bit more. You ask one of his friend''s GF''s what happened, she told you about the strip club, you confront him with this, then he confesses to that. He has not been forthcoming with the truth, you have had to find out things on your own and then he admits to them. If nothing happened, then he should be coming to you with the printed texts to prove his innocence. He shouldn''t be deleting the texts from his phone.

Do you think that you aren''t going to look at the texts because you are scared what they might say? I am pretty sure that I know what you are talking about when you say that there are certain things that he refrains from doing when he is away so that he can prove to you that he hasn''t cheated. Why would that even need to be done? I wasn''t aware that the volume of fluid emission was a standard by which to determine whether or not an infidelity had occured.

Maybe he didn''t cheat, I don''t know, but I know that I would seriously consider calling off my wedding if something like this happened at my FI''s bachelor party.

 

[onedrop]

Meresal: you are really brave to post this story here in BWW. I can imagine how it feels to have something so heavy weighing on your mind, but feeling at a loss to vent to your real-life circle of family/friends. Luckily PSers tend to be straight-shooters with a soft touch. Which offers both support and a good dose of common sense at the same time.

By this point you and your FI are on the way to meding the situation, which is wonderful. I just wanted to say that while your FI probably could have handled things differently, it seems like he is not the type of person where things like what happened at his bachelor party are the norm, and that is a good thing. I really don''t know what else to say, but I felt compelled to comment on this thread anyway. I am just happy to know that you received some great advice on the situation, and you and your FI seem on your way to moving past this. Best wishes to you!

 

[Lanie]

Date: 5/5/2009 6:05:24 PM
Author: CellarDoor
So, you''re not going to look at the texts?

Let''s see here, he gets home, confesses a tiny bit about some girl he met. You find out that he is lying about the extent of their communication, and then he confesses a bit more. You ask one of his friend''s GF''s what happened, she told you about the strip club, you confront him with this, then he confesses to that. He has not been forthcoming with the truth, you have had to find out things on your own and then he admits to them. If nothing happened, then he should be coming to you with the printed texts to prove his innocence. He shouldn''t be deleting the texts from his phone.

Do you think that you aren''t going to look at the texts because you are scared what they might say? I am pretty sure that I know what you are talking about when you say that there are certain things that he refrains from doing when he is away so that he can prove to you that he hasn''t cheated. Why would that even need to be done? I wasn''t aware that the volume of fluid emission was a standard by which to determine whether or not an infidelity had occured.

Maybe he didn''t cheat, I don''t know, but I know that I would seriously consider calling off my wedding if something like this happened at my FI''s bachelor party.

Uhhhh.....no.

Ladies, maybe i''m speaking for myself, but Meresal, a brave strong woman, is at peace and made her decision! Let''s let her be at peace. She said she would update us. She has made her mind.

Now back to those wedding shoes!!!

 

[meresal]

blackbetty- Thanks for coming back and sharing!
dcgator, Gwen, tlh, and tyty- Thank you for your responses

Bliss- Thank you again. Everything you have said has been great for my inner demons right now.
onedrop- Thank you for your wishes.

Date: 5/5/2009 6:05:24 PM
Author: CellarDoor
So, you're not going to look at the texts?

Let's see here, he gets home, confesses a tiny bit about some girl he met. You find out that he is lying about the extent of their communication, and then he confesses a bit more. You ask one of his friend's GF's what happened, she told you about the strip club, you confront him with this, then he confesses to that. He has not been forthcoming with the truth, you have had to find out things on your own and then he admits to them. If nothing happened, then he should be coming to you with the printed texts to prove his innocence. He shouldn't be deleting the texts from his phone.

Do you think that you aren't going to look at the texts because you are scared what they might say? I am pretty sure that I know what you are talking about when you say that there are certain things that he refrains from doing when he is away so that he can prove to you that he hasn't cheated. Why would that even need to be done? I wasn't aware that the volume of fluid emission was a standard by which to determine whether or not an infidelity had occured.

Maybe he didn't cheat, I don't know, but I know that I would seriously consider calling off my wedding if something like this happened at my FI's bachelor party.

No, I will not be looking at the texts or even calling the phone company to see if it's possible.

Let me put, the 4 pages of posts together:
He didn't meet some girl... his group met some girls, which he fully told me about. He did not tell me that he was the liason that had to get the bride's number so they could all hang out again, which never happened. I found this out when she sent texts to him on Sunday night, when we were having dinner. They were innocent, she wished him and I the best.
I didn't ask one of his friend's GF's what happened, we were talking and realized some of the events weren't the same. FI fully told me that he went to a strip club, he lied about the night. He has no idea why, but it will not happen again.
There was/is no reason for him to come to me to prove his innosence, because I believe him. He did not cheat on me. I'm also not going to "tell" my FI that he can't delete texts from his phone. I'm will not control him. Where is the trust in that? He thought that "getting rid" of anything that related to her was the answer. It wasn't a way to hide what had been done. I confronted him about the amount of texts, and he was shocked at how many there were. He said that multiple times his friends wanted to meet up with them, and it involved lots of "Where are y'all at?" "When are you leaving?" "Where are you going?"

You may think that what my FI does to prove himself when he returns home is unnecessary... but we have been together for 3 years, and I can promise you that "fluid emission" and time of enjoyment changes based on frequency. Maybe not with you and your SO, but it has been the case with any guy I have dated. In this instance, I'm very glad he chooses to do this, because it is a very good point for his side of the story.

ETA: Here's the thing. I'm not willing to call off our wedding over what could be in some texts, so why would I put myself thru looking at them? Like I stated earlier, texts are a far better form of communication than talking over the phone, IMO. I'm not worried about the content, I believe him that it was honest. To me, unless this is something that I am willing to leave over, then I don't need to know. He knows he messed up, and we have enough to overcome at this point. I'm fine starting from here.

 

[Sparkalicious]

Meresal - thanks for being so brave and for sharing this traumatic and very personal disappointment with us. I have only the best wishes for you and your fi and admire your desire to be both authentic with yourself and with your FI.
Every cloud does have a silver lining ... yours is that this happened before the wedding, thus giving you an opportunity to work out any potential issues that could serve to affect your married life adversely. It''s never fun to work through but the end result is so worth it.

 

[lucyandroger]

Meresal,

There''s no need to defend the way you''ve handled things. I''m sure everyone would handle the situation in their own way to fit their relationship and their SO. The fact that you''re at peace and you and your FI are moving forward is all that matters. Wishing you the best...

 

[motownmama]

2 things still bother me, and it''s not the innocent flirting with the bride-to-be. He LIED about the strip club b/c he thought you would be mad - not good. He routinely does n''t %^&* when you are apart so he can "prove" he''s been faithful when he gets back - really??? Please just go see a relationship/marriage counselor who deals with trust issues between spouses ALL THE TIME. I would not make this all big and dramatic, but I would not sweep it under the rug either. BEST of luck!!!!!!!

 

[meresal]

Date: 5/5/2009 7:46:00 PM
Author: motownmama
2 things still bother me, and it's not the innocent flirting with the bride-to-be. He LIED about the strip club b/c he thought you would be mad - not good. He routinely does n't %^&* when you are apart so he can 'prove' he's been faithful when he gets back - really??? Please just go see a relationship/marriage counselor who deals with trust issues between spouses ALL THE TIME. I would not make this all big and dramatic, but I would not sweep it under the rug either. BEST of luck!!!!!!!

1) There is no proof that he was even flirting
2) He didn't lie about the strip club, he lied about the night they went. And to be honest, the night they went wasn't even the night he met the girls, it was the night before. These two occurrances have nothing to do with eachother.
3) He doesn't not do things while we're separated, to prove that he didn't cheat on me. He enjoys that we can share that when we return to eachother. I should never have brought it up.

We don't have trust issues. It is most definitely not being swept under the rug. In my previous post, I said, "I am willing to start over from here." I never stated that we have gone back to the way we were, or swept anything under the rug.

Thank you for your worry, but I assure you, we don't need couples counseling. I see counseling as an answer when you can't vocalize your own feelings and concerns. The doors of communication are wide open between us right now.

 

[Winslet]

Meresal, I think you''ve handled things exactly the way they should have been handled. Although I''m sorry you guys hit a bump in the road, I''m glad that the two of you have come to an understanding and as a result will continue to grow and learn new ways of communicating and working through each of your own unique thought processes TOGETHER. This is what marriage is about, and I think the two of you are going to be just fine.