Effort
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Haven
Super_Ideal_Rock
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I think it''s important to note that there are different kinds of effort that go into making a relationship work.
There''s the effort it takes to reconcile two different people''s opinions/ideas/beliefs about things on which they don''t agree or see things the same way. This effort happens when you disagree over squeezing the toothpaste tube from the bottom vs. the middle, all the way to the effort that happens when you disagree about how to discipline your teenage children.
And then there''s the effort it takes to continue to show each other tangible manifestations of how much you value and love each other. This effort happens when you make that extra phone call during the day because you know he had a difficult client that morning, all the way to putting your own needs or desires aside for a period of time to pick up a lot of his slack and to be there to comfort him when he finds himself facing a parent''s terminal illness.
I imagine most couples have to put in a lot of effort, in both of these forms, to make their relationships run smoothly. However, I bet that our perceptions of how much effort it actually takes us in our own personal relationships is influenced more by the *way* we handle our disagreements than *how much* effort it takes or *how often* we have to put it in.
I think some couples are really skilled at disagreeing and coping with their differences, and some aren''t. For a really interesting insight into how different couples function I highly recommend any of Dr. John Gottman''s books. His research into marriage is fascinating, and if you follow his advice I am completely convinced you will divorce-proof your marriage.
ANYWAY . . .
I don''t perceive that we have to put a lot of effort into our relationship, despite the fact that DH and I have very different ideas about certain things. That''s not to say that it doesn''t take work. But, we are lucky that our confrontation styles mesh very well. It also helps that we share the common goal of living as stress-free as possible, which makes for a very rational, laid-back relationship.
There''s the effort it takes to reconcile two different people''s opinions/ideas/beliefs about things on which they don''t agree or see things the same way. This effort happens when you disagree over squeezing the toothpaste tube from the bottom vs. the middle, all the way to the effort that happens when you disagree about how to discipline your teenage children.
And then there''s the effort it takes to continue to show each other tangible manifestations of how much you value and love each other. This effort happens when you make that extra phone call during the day because you know he had a difficult client that morning, all the way to putting your own needs or desires aside for a period of time to pick up a lot of his slack and to be there to comfort him when he finds himself facing a parent''s terminal illness.
I imagine most couples have to put in a lot of effort, in both of these forms, to make their relationships run smoothly. However, I bet that our perceptions of how much effort it actually takes us in our own personal relationships is influenced more by the *way* we handle our disagreements than *how much* effort it takes or *how often* we have to put it in.
I think some couples are really skilled at disagreeing and coping with their differences, and some aren''t. For a really interesting insight into how different couples function I highly recommend any of Dr. John Gottman''s books. His research into marriage is fascinating, and if you follow his advice I am completely convinced you will divorce-proof your marriage.
ANYWAY . . .
I don''t perceive that we have to put a lot of effort into our relationship, despite the fact that DH and I have very different ideas about certain things. That''s not to say that it doesn''t take work. But, we are lucky that our confrontation styles mesh very well. It also helps that we share the common goal of living as stress-free as possible, which makes for a very rational, laid-back relationship.
elrohwen
Ideal_Rock
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Princess, my relationship evolution has been very similar to yours. I was in a year long relationship before DH and it felt like so much work much of the time! But I always used the "relationships take work" line and made excuses.
After being with DH, I understand that relationships can be easy. I''m not going to say that in 10 or 15 years we won''t hit a rough patch where we need to work very hard; I know things can happen in very long relationships. But I adamently believe that in a short relationship, maybe under 5 years, it should not be work. I have friends who still disagree with me on this, and guess what, those are the friends who are still having tons of relationship issues and are unhappy. I want at least 5 or 10 years of easy fun with DH before we ever have to think about "working at our problems". If you''re working on problems already in a short relationship, I don''t think you have enough positive memories built up to make it worth it.
With that said, I don''t neglect my relationship and I do think about it constantly. However, making DH happy makes me happy - it''s not "work" in the typical sense of the word. And I think that''s where people (mostly women) seem to get confused. Yes, you need to put effort in, but it shouldn''t seem like work and shouldn''t seem like a chore.
After being with DH, I understand that relationships can be easy. I''m not going to say that in 10 or 15 years we won''t hit a rough patch where we need to work very hard; I know things can happen in very long relationships. But I adamently believe that in a short relationship, maybe under 5 years, it should not be work. I have friends who still disagree with me on this, and guess what, those are the friends who are still having tons of relationship issues and are unhappy. I want at least 5 or 10 years of easy fun with DH before we ever have to think about "working at our problems". If you''re working on problems already in a short relationship, I don''t think you have enough positive memories built up to make it worth it.
With that said, I don''t neglect my relationship and I do think about it constantly. However, making DH happy makes me happy - it''s not "work" in the typical sense of the word. And I think that''s where people (mostly women) seem to get confused. Yes, you need to put effort in, but it shouldn''t seem like work and shouldn''t seem like a chore.
Bleed Burnt Orange
Brilliant_Rock
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Since meeting and being with my guy over four years ago, I've never felt like I had to put forth effort in our relationship. I always advise friends that I believe when he's the one, it's effortless to be with that person.
Even now, he's working on the other side of the world and we're waiting until he's back in 2011 to get married. There is no effort involved, no worries about stability. We just miss each other and every day I thank God he's in my life.
I hope everyone finds that.
Even now, he's working on the other side of the world and we're waiting until he's back in 2011 to get married. There is no effort involved, no worries about stability. We just miss each other and every day I thank God he's in my life.
I hope everyone finds that.
LaurenThePartier
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Ditto, Haven. I couldn''t have said it more succinctly.
JustLikeYou
Rough_Rock
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Hmmm - good thread 
I''ve been with my BF for almost 5 years now. We''ve definitely had our fair share of "effort and heartache" due to the past two 1/2 years being long distance. Long distance takes a lot of effort in communication, trust, and everything else that comes with it. But I couldn''t be happier. I''d say that I''m fiercely independent, and I always was before him to, and I''m extremely strong headed, and somewhat sheltered too... so lots of times, the two of us head-but over issues, but that''s mostly because of me. I calm down after the fact, and almost every time, I''m grateful that he made me think of something new or made me try a new experience. I didn''t have an emotionally healthy or loving family life growing up, so actually being loved and his actions toward me have taken a bit getting used to, but I appreciate every bit.
When we''re together and I''m not at school, it''s smooth sailing. When we''re apart, it''s a struggle for me, but he makes it easier.
I''ve been with my BF for almost 5 years now. We''ve definitely had our fair share of "effort and heartache" due to the past two 1/2 years being long distance. Long distance takes a lot of effort in communication, trust, and everything else that comes with it. But I couldn''t be happier. I''d say that I''m fiercely independent, and I always was before him to, and I''m extremely strong headed, and somewhat sheltered too... so lots of times, the two of us head-but over issues, but that''s mostly because of me. I calm down after the fact, and almost every time, I''m grateful that he made me think of something new or made me try a new experience. I didn''t have an emotionally healthy or loving family life growing up, so actually being loved and his actions toward me have taken a bit getting used to, but I appreciate every bit.
When we''re together and I''m not at school, it''s smooth sailing. When we''re apart, it''s a struggle for me, but he makes it easier.
SparklyRing
Shiny_Rock
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You just described my current relationship. We''ve been together for a little over 2 years and our relationship just became the way it is without much effort from either of us. It''s hard to describe, but neither of us ever had to push ourselves or our SO to do anything to make the relationship work -- at least that is my definition of ''relationship effort.'' We were just ourselves and it evolved and strengthened naturally. We hardly ever fight...in fact, I can''t even remember the last time that we had a fight! We don''t really have misunderstandings either, since we both know each other so well.
It''s so much better than my last relationship. I had to put so much effort into it because my ex just wasn''t the guy who would call or suggest things that we could do together, so I was the one that had to do that. He was also secretive in that he didn''t want to tell me anything, not because they were bad, but because that was just how he was. In the end, I had had enough and decided to end it because I thought that my effort was not worth it.
My relationship prior to that one involved a lot of effort from both of us, but I was not as mature then. I was a freshman in college and my ex was a sophomore. First, we were long distance and hardly ever saw each other. I met so many new people as a freshman, many of them were cute guys, so I always questioned myself as to whether there was someone else out there for me. I also grew as a person during freshman year and I changed so much that that relationship was not for me. We both put so much effort into it by forcing ourselves to talk each night and to spend more time together despite parties to attend, papers to write, and exams to study for, but it didn''t work out.
In my experience, putting a lot of effort into a relationship is a warning sign. However, if a couple is able to get past that and move into a stage where not a lot of effort is required, then they can make it. If they keep putting effort in and it''s not really working, then perhaps the relationship is not meant to be.
Of course, this is just based on my experience.
TravelingGal
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Marriage is work. Like any job, there are good days and bad days. But a job should at the end of the day be fun, fulfilling, rewarding and leave you feeling of good worth.
Yes, marriage indeed takes consistent work...but IMHO it should not take consistent beatings.
Yes, marriage indeed takes consistent work...but IMHO it should not take consistent beatings.
AdiS
Brilliant_Rock
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Ditto every word, anchor!
When I was younger, I thought drama equals love and passion. So not true.
I love that with DH the hardest effort I have to put in our relationship is not forgeting to flirt and seduce and sometimes watch movies I hate because he likes them. lol In all seriousness, compromise and keeping the spark alive do take work and that is ok, but having to fight for your love and relationship every single day isn''t IMO.
AllieGator
Shiny_Rock
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Our relationship is pretty effortless, with a few things we both have to focus on. But day to day, we don''t really have to work on it. We''ll occasionally have to sit down and talk about something, but we''ve never had any problems resolving anything.
FrekeChild
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Ditto to both of you.
I was just reading through these responses again and thinking that part of the "effort" that I have put in, or that the other person put in, was change. I wanted to change something about them. They wanted to change something about me. I wanted to change something about me to fit better with what they had. Etc etc. Each of us would have had to change to make the relationship work, or we''d struggle inside the relationship until we couldn''t take it anymore.
I think of it as being very confined--not being able to stretch out and be yourself. Looking back on that--why did I TRY so hard for something that, in the end, didn''t end up being/feeling worth it?! Even for the life experience...
Obviously none of those relationships worked out. And I''m happy they didn''t, because I wouldn''t have found out what a good relationship is all about.
Jessie702
Ideal_Rock
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Very Good theard.
My relationship is pretty effort less. We run pretty smoothly with each other. There are things i wish he would " work" like acceptance of my choosen career, Acting. But thats about it. Other than that, there is very little work. Yes, theres days when he just talks, and i wish he would be quiet for a little bit, but he generally knows when i need some quiet time, so it works.
My relationship is pretty effort less. We run pretty smoothly with each other. There are things i wish he would " work" like acceptance of my choosen career, Acting. But thats about it. Other than that, there is very little work. Yes, theres days when he just talks, and i wish he would be quiet for a little bit, but he generally knows when i need some quiet time, so it works.
Lilac
Brilliant_Rock
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Reading these responses has been very interesting.
When I think of effort I normally equate that with something that''s annoying to do or hard to do. I put a lot of effort into working. I put effort into studying and doing well in school. Those are things that I need to put a lot of effort into - they''re not fun, but they''re necessary and a lot of effort is needed.
In my relationship with DH, I don''t actually think I ever considered anything I do as "putting in effort." I always found our relationship to be very easy and comfortable - I don''t think it''s hard work at all, because I enjoy it. I always found it easy and enjoyable to try to do things to make him happy, to try and come up with compromises when we disagree, to call him during the day or send an email to make sure he''s doing ok and his day is going well, and to working through things together. I guess some might describe that as "effort" in our relationship (and in that case, the answer is yes - our relationship does take a lot of effort), but for me it''s easy because I want to do it. It''s not hard work for me (or for him) to do these things because we want to make each other happy and we *enjoy* doing these things for and with each other to improve our marriage.
So I think it depends how you''re defining "effort" - yes, my marriage requires that DH and I continually do certain things to keep each other happy and talk through issues and come to compromises, but in my opinion I don''t think that it''s "effort" or "hard work" because I don''t see it as a hard chore - those things come naturally to us now and we''re more than happy to keep doing them.
When I think of effort I normally equate that with something that''s annoying to do or hard to do. I put a lot of effort into working. I put effort into studying and doing well in school. Those are things that I need to put a lot of effort into - they''re not fun, but they''re necessary and a lot of effort is needed.
In my relationship with DH, I don''t actually think I ever considered anything I do as "putting in effort." I always found our relationship to be very easy and comfortable - I don''t think it''s hard work at all, because I enjoy it. I always found it easy and enjoyable to try to do things to make him happy, to try and come up with compromises when we disagree, to call him during the day or send an email to make sure he''s doing ok and his day is going well, and to working through things together. I guess some might describe that as "effort" in our relationship (and in that case, the answer is yes - our relationship does take a lot of effort), but for me it''s easy because I want to do it. It''s not hard work for me (or for him) to do these things because we want to make each other happy and we *enjoy* doing these things for and with each other to improve our marriage.
So I think it depends how you''re defining "effort" - yes, my marriage requires that DH and I continually do certain things to keep each other happy and talk through issues and come to compromises, but in my opinion I don''t think that it''s "effort" or "hard work" because I don''t see it as a hard chore - those things come naturally to us now and we''re more than happy to keep doing them.
April20
Ideal_Rock
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In the past, I''ve had relationships that took "work". They weren''t easy and they ended. When I met DH, things just clicked. It didn''t take discernable effort or "work". We''ve talked about this exact thing several times and have come to the conclusion that while I''m sure there are things we do unconsciously that contribute positively to our relationship, we don''t consider it work.
monkeyprincess
Ideal_Rock
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Should effort be required in a relationship? I say it depends on the two people involved. Should it feel like you are constantly struggling to make it work? Of course not, but at the same time, I don''t think your relationship is doomed if it is not effortless. My boyfriend and I have certainly had our struggles - in fact we broke up for a few months about a year ago. I think a lot of our struggles came from me being attracted to drama or thinking it was too good to be true if we didn''t have drama in our relationship. We do not struggle over the big things like our values, it is more of us being set in our own ways and needing to learn to compromise. He doesn''t always say or do what I would say or do or what I want him to say or do, but I have no question he loves and adores me even when I am not being loveable and adorable. So while it has taken effort for us to get to where we are now, I know that we are a team. It just wouldn''t fit either of our personalities to never have conflict.
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