Effort

[princesss]

So, a few threads on here have gotten me thinking about effort and relationships.

How much effort does your relationship need to function? Day-to-day do you find yourself making an effort to keep things running smoothly, or do they kind of run themselves? Did it take effort to get things the way they are now, or have they always been like this?

I guess I''m curious because I''ve seen such a shift in my own views on this in the past several years. With my exes, I was the stubborn type that insisted on "making things work" because "relationships take work" and "adults don''t just run away from their problems." I just assumed the adult thing to do was to suck it up and make concessions so that both partners were equally satisfied (or, more often, dissatisfied). It had never occurred to me that I could have ended things because we just didn''t work together - I thought if we loved each other, the work would someday pay off and we''d magically be perfect. I don''t mean we fought a lot - usually it was the opposite. We almost never fought. We were often just different enough that we couldn''t understand each other, and we had to tolerate each other''s habits, and work to keep from making comments about the habits/shortcomings we found annoying. I thought that was totally normal, and was actually really proud that I kept working at things long after my friends had (or would have) given up.

Then I met M. We have our issues sometimes, and we''ve had serious hurdles to overcome, but day-to-day life is just so easy that sometimes I wonder if I''ve forgotten something. Thinking back to what I used to believe was right is so exhausting. Coming home is now the calmest, happiest part of my day. We sometimes bicker over silly stuff, but I''d say 97% of the time, we''re a happy, drama-free, easy couple. We were friends pretty instantly (I mean after I stopped hating him), and when we started dating it was just as easy. He knows every quirk and fault I have and still loves me - at one point a friend of mine pointed out that a lot of relationships people have in college are "I love you in spite of _________," but we''ve always been "I love you because _________." We don''t always understand each other, but given time things become clear (he doesn''t like being fussed over when he''s sick - didn''t make sense to me at first because I like to be mollycoddled when I''m sick, but having met his family and knowing their attitude towards illness it makes total sense), and the misunderstandings rarely if ever affect our harmony.

So, ladies, what about you? Are you a "relationships take work" person, a "they should be easy as pie" person, or somewhere in the middle?

(And please, anybody contribute. Single, dating, engaged, married - the more perspectives, the better!)

 

[Lauren8211]

Good thread, Princesss!

My relationship with J is pretty effortless. The "effort" comes in when there''s just a few little things that I do or he does that bug the other person. For instance, J makes an effort to clean up around the house, even though its not in his nature. I make an effort to be not always take everything the wrong way, because its hard on DH. Overall.. its really an easy relationship. There''s just stuff we can always do that doesnt take too much effort on our own parts to make the other significantly more happy.

Sometimes we have to make an effort to connect if we have had a really busy week or something. But its only work to find the time, not to enjoy one anothers company.

I''ve been in relationships that require effort, and that were always one nasty argument away from a breakup. Those relationships don''t work. Your effort should come when dealing with the issues that LIFE throws at you, and dealing with them as a team. It should not be a daily, concentrated effort just to get along and keep it together. That should be natural!

 

[Squirrly]

i think for this i''d use work in place of effort. mostly because effort to me equals ''try'' and i think there will be plenty of times that people will try to communicate better, try to adjust to changing means, try to not do the little things that annoy the other person so much (as in i will be much tidier after we move in together). work to me is much more ardorous (perhaps i''m just lazy) and falls more into those times that bigger problems arise (which most times in my experience seems to stem from at least one of the parties slipping in the effort part, as in no longer making an effort to communicate). so to me a relationship should not have to go through frequent work (not that bigger problems don''t take longer to get around but that they shouldn''t arise every other week) because that would mean that there''s a significant lack of effort at least on one part, although by the time it gets to the big problem usually both parties are decently frustrated with each other and have cut back on communication to try to keep things civil.

as for my personal situation, with it being long distance i find that people tell me that they couldn''t imagine doing a distance relationship because of how much work it is, but i''ve rarely had any situation with FI that feels like a lot of work because we both put a lot of effort into communitcation. which reminds me he should be on lunch soon

 

[monarch64]

I''ve experienced both types of relationships, and I can honestly say that there is no relationship which requires zero amount of effort, but the relationships I''ve had that took a lot of work, whether it was compromise/sacrifice on a daily basis or spending endless amounts of time discussing or arguing points, or dating long-distance, have been the ones that have not lasted. I finally got over my need to "make it work" and decided that I was not going to settle for a relationship that made me unhappy and left me dissatisfied more often than it made me feel good about things, EVEN IF that meant being alone. My god, I''d so much rather be alone and be myself and live life however I choose to than to be with someone who ends up being another part of my life that I have to constantly be on guard with to make sure I keep them happy.

To me, a happy relationship is one that involves understanding and acceptance, not tolerance and compromise. When you finally find the right person, things just fall into place easily and automatically, without a lot of drama (I don''t mean without passion, that''s totally different). Your partner should be your soft place to land, trusting, supportive, and accepting. My mother has always told me: "when you''re with the right person, you bring out the best in each other." I think those are very wise words.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 11/20/2009 11:45:49 AM
Author:princesss


Then I met M. We have our issues sometimes, and we''ve had serious hurdles to overcome, but day-to-day life is just so easy that sometimes I wonder if I''ve forgotten something.

Ok, I can completely relate with your entire post, but the highlighted portion above I can really REALLY relate to. Not only is day-to-day life incredibly easy with my BF, but our ideas and plans for the future mesh so well that it''s scary. We agree on finances, location, children, sex, all the "big" stuff everyone talks about as being deal-breakers. Sometimes I feel like there must be something wrong, or something big we don''t agree on, but I just haven''t discovered it yet! But that''s just my negative side speaking.

I am inclined to say our relationship doesn''t take any effort, but that''s not true. Everything takes effort. I just don''t look at it that way, our efforts are effortless (confused much?). It''s so hard to explain. We talk openly and honestly (and often), because we enjoy it, not because it''s on our relationship "to do" list. We have a simple budget set up, and both follow it without any problems. We each clean stuff around the house without having to be asked, and it works, even though we never set up a "chore list" or talked about how to split them up.

We just naturally fell into our "roles" in the house. We have been "officially" together the same amount of time we''ve lived together (yes, you read that right!), and I can''t believe how easy it''s been. Moving in together is one of the most stressful times for most couples, but it''s the complete opposite for us.

As for before BF? Yes, I was a complete "relationships take a lot of work" person. I never knew what a real relationship was until this one. Nothing in the past even comes close! I do not think any relationship is ever going to be "easy as pie" forever, but they shouldn''t be super difficult work from beginning to end either!

whoo, what a novel!

 

[monarch64]

Date: 11/20/2009 12:23:20 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 11/20/2009 11:45:49 AM
Author:princesss


Then I met M. We have our issues sometimes, and we''ve had serious hurdles to overcome, but day-to-day life is just so easy that sometimes I wonder if I''ve forgotten something.

Ok, I can completely relate with your entire post, but the highlighted portion above I can really REALLY relate to. Not only is day-to-day life incredibly easy with my BF, but our ideas and plans for the future mesh so well that it''s scary. We agree on finances, location, children, sex, all the ''big'' stuff everyone talks about as being deal-breakers. Sometimes I feel like there must be something wrong, or something big we don''t agree on, but I just haven''t discovered it yet! But that''s just my negative side speaking.

I am inclined to say our relationship doesn''t take any effort, but that''s not true. Everything takes effort. I just don''t look at it that way, our efforts are effortless (confused much?). It''s so hard to explain. We talk openly and honestly (and often), because we enjoy it, not because it''s on our relationship ''to do'' list. We have a simple budget set up, and both follow it without any problems. We each clean stuff around the house without having to be asked, and it works, even though we never set up a ''chore list'' or talked about how to split them up.

We just naturally fell into our ''roles'' in the house. We have been ''officially'' together the same amount of time we''ve lived together (yes, you read that right!), and I can''t believe how easy it''s been. Moving in together is one of the most stressful times for most couples, but it''s the complete opposite for us.

As for before BF? Yes, I was a complete ''relationships take a lot of work'' person. I never knew what a real relationship was until this one. Nothing in the past even comes close! I do not think any relationship is ever going to be ''easy as pie'' forever, but they shouldn''t be super difficult work from beginning to end either!

whoo, what a novel!

Lilyfoot, your post sounds exactly how I feel about my current relationship. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak, but it never has. (It''s almost too easy!) Sure, we will go through struggles and heartaches, but the firm footing and very solid foundation has already been poured and having that confidence is what I think makes a relationship withstand all of the negative outside stuff.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 11/20/2009 12:23:20 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 11/20/2009 11:45:49 AM
Author:princesss


Then I met M. We have our issues sometimes, and we''ve had serious hurdles to overcome, but day-to-day life is just so easy that sometimes I wonder if I''ve forgotten something.

We just naturally fell into our ''roles'' in the house. We have been ''officially'' together the same amount of time we''ve lived together (yes, you read that right!), and I can''t believe how easy it''s been. Moving in together is one of the most stressful times for most couples, but it''s the complete opposite for us.

As for before BF? Yes, I was a complete ''relationships take a lot of work'' person. I never knew what a real relationship was until this one. Nothing in the past even comes close! I do not think any relationship is ever going to be ''easy as pie'' forever, but they shouldn''t be super difficult work from beginning to end either!

whoo, what a novel!

I''m in agreement with both of you on these points! DH and I also moved in together within weeks of dating (though we were friends before that) and there was hardly any issues. My relationships have ALWAYS had issues, and like you both, I thought that what being in an adult relationship meant - working on stuff. Luckily I learned that lesson before it was too late and I was married to my ex.

I''ll always remember what my mom said when my ex and I broke up after 4 years together: It shouldn''t be so hard to be together. They liked the guy just fine, but they knew that he wasn''t right for me. Then when DH and I got together it was like an epiphany! Ahh, this is what it''s supposed to feel like. My friends and family have all said that they''ve never seen me happier. And it''s true.

 

[lilyfoot]

:sigh: I am loving this thread. It''s nice to hear positive things on the LIW boards!

 

[JSM]

I completely agree with the sentiments of the ladies here. When I was younger (very early twenties, and in a relationship that just.wouldn''t.die.), I was given some sage advice. "If you have to work this hard to make it work now, it''s never going to get easier. What''s going to happen when LIFE comes into play?"

I didn''t really understand it at the time, but now that I''m married and with a man I''m truly in love with, I absolutely do. This year by any standards has been absolute hell. But each challenge brings us closer together. Sure we have disagreements, but for the most part being with him is EASY. There is no one in the world I''d rather spend my life with. The HARD parts of life with. Period. And this is how I know it''s right.

Dating is not real life, dating is the really easy, fun, exciting part. If dating is not these things, there is probably something wrong.

It''s hard to watch friends in relationships like the one I used to be in. I just want to shake them and yell in their face, "it doesn''t have to be like this!"

 

[monarch64]

JSM--huge ditto. Really, I had no idea it could be this easy. But you know, if someone had tried to shake sense into me (and they did when I was married), I wouldn''t have listened because I wasn''t ready to hear it. Everyone has to get there in their own time, and their own way.

 

[princesss]

Date: 11/20/2009 12:45:26 PM
Author: jsm
I completely agree with the sentiments of the ladies here. When I was younger (very early twenties, and in a relationship that just.wouldn''t.die.), I was given some sage advice. ''If you have to work this hard to make it work now, it''s never going to get easier. What''s going to happen when LIFE comes into play?''

I didn''t really understand it at the time, but now that I''m married and with a man I''m truly in love with, I absolutely do. This year by any standards has been absolute hell. But each challenge brings us closer together. Sure we have disagreements, but for the most part being with him is EASY. There is no one in the world I''d rather spend my life with. The HARD parts of life with. Period. And this is how I know it''s right.

Dating is not real life, dating is the really easy, fun, exciting part. If dating is not these things, there is probably something wrong.

It''s hard to watch friends in relationships like the one I used to be in. I just want to shake them and yell in their face, ''it doesn''t have to be like this!''

A-freaking-men! It''s hard to see my friends that are still dating struggle, and even harder to come up with an answer to, "How do you and M do it?" Well, it''s just easy.

I like the word "work" for this, too, Squirrly. It''s not like we haven''t had to figure things out - where to live, how to handle our current life situation - and that hasn''t been easy. I do things a little differently now that we live together - I''m cleaner, I tend to go home earlier - which aren''t totally natural, but they''re not anything I resent or can see myself getting annoyed with.

I feel like "effortless" is like "perfect" - nobody can mean it literally, but because there is so little friction when things do need to change, I tend to forget about the issues that have cropped up at one point or another. Especially because I never feel like I have to change myself for him, or explain myself to him. Even if he doesn''t get it right away, he accepts that it''s a part of me, and keeps on loving me. And now he gets me so well it''s scary!

 

[dragonfly411]

I figure I''ll chime in since I know I''m one of the sparks under the fire here

I think relationships will always take effort in one way or another. I think there''s a serious problem if little day to day things become work. The fact of the matter is, when you enter a relationship you''re two separate people, you may not have been raised the same, you may HAVE been raised the same, but you''ll always have to learn to accept the odd quirks if you want things to last. No two people are ever the same. That being said, you shouldn''t have to spend every day arguing, fighting etc. With my ex, everything was a challenge. It was a challenge to get him to pick up the phone and call me. Everything had to be his way or the highway. Mind you he was abusive... but if I said the grass was green, he''d tell me it was blue. He always had a negative demeanor. Relationships like that won''t last.

SO and I have been together for 3 and a half years... it will be 4 in March. We''ve lived together since the beginning by choice. From the beginning being around each other, day to day living have been easy. We try to make sure things get done around the house so it stays neat and orderly or when we have lived with others have always pitched in (this was the case for a year this past year). We have never had serious arguements (save recently and we''re covering that), and rarely have little bickers. I think we normally just argue over who gets to cook or pay for dinner... we love food

. We have ALWAYS felt comfortable around each other, at ease, assured, not afraid to let each other see the quirks, or the bad side (me without makeup when I first wake up

). We also have always taken care of each other, he always makes sure I am ok, if I''m sick he takes care of me, if I''m worried or stressed about something he listens and offers advice. If he''s sick vice versa, if he''s hurt I''m the doctor (to a point.. if bones are shattered which they haven''t been yet knock on wood he''s going to the hospital). And we ARE each others'' best friends, and I do think that is really really important in a relationship.

 

[Bia]

This is touchy subject for me because my relationship has never been super smooth sailing. We are both very passionate and stubborn people and don't always see eye to eye - mainly because we are POLAR OPPOSITES. I've seen couples who have that 'effortless' relationship you speak of (i.e., my brother and his wife) and I wonder, how do they do it? But then I see couples who argue (even fight), bump heads, etc., but are equally in love with each other. In my case, love, commitment, loyalty are not the problem. The problem lies in that we are so different, it's hard to always be content. With marriage on the horizon, I've had to do some long and hard thinking. Asking myself if a relationship should be easier. But then I say at what cost? Finding someone I am more compatible with would also mean leaving someone I am in love with, who also loves me more than anything.

It's not so cut and dry - so I think somewhere in the middle. However, if it is harder than it is easy, it's not healthy. In my case, the good outweighs the bad but since I'm not that easy, go-with-the-flow type, I want it to be perfect, knowing all the while that it can't be. Relationships take work...even the best ones.

 

[anchor31]

When I think about effort in a relationship, I think about having good communication and not starting to take the other for granted, not trying to seduce them or doing anything special anymore. I also think about making compromises when both parties are not exactly in agreement. To me it doesn''t mean going the extra mile all the time, or constantly making sacrifices, or constantly working out differences. I don''t think relationships should be hard.

 

[princesss]

Glad you posted, DF. You''re definitely one of the people that''s gotten me thinking about this, but it almost seems like a trend on LIW and IRL lately - "Oh, well, we''ll make it work/It''ll just take some work/Just gotta use a little elbow grease." KWIM?

I guess maybe my confusion with it is that I''m firmly in the "love is NOT all you need" camp. In relationships where I thought that we''d be okay because we loved each other, it was always a struggle.

 

[Bia]

Date: 11/20/2009 1:46:58 PM
Author: princesss
Glad you posted, DF. You''re definitely one of the people that''s gotten me thinking about this, but it almost seems like a trend on LIW and IRL lately - ''Oh, well, we''ll make it work/It''ll just take some work/Just gotta use a little elbow grease.'' KWIM?

I guess maybe my confusion with it is that I''m firmly in the ''love is NOT all you need'' camp. In relationships where I thought that we''d be okay because we loved each other, it was always a struggle.

I agree, love is definitely NOT enough. On the ''Praise Jesus'' level.

I think what makes it seem effortless is compatiblility. Some couples have personalities that are much more compatible...same with friends or family (well you can''t choose your family but YKWIM).

The deciding factor, for me, is whether I am the one always trying, with nothing to show for it. If couples are trying too hard, but it just doesn''t ever *really* get better, then you know it''s not right. I stress ''really'' because people are in denial about this, which allows them to stay, and stay, and stay.

 

[princesss]

Date: 11/20/2009 1:56:14 PM
Author: Bia

Date: 11/20/2009 1:46:58 PM
Author: princesss
Glad you posted, DF. You''re definitely one of the people that''s gotten me thinking about this, but it almost seems like a trend on LIW and IRL lately - ''Oh, well, we''ll make it work/It''ll just take some work/Just gotta use a little elbow grease.'' KWIM?

I guess maybe my confusion with it is that I''m firmly in the ''love is NOT all you need'' camp. In relationships where I thought that we''d be okay because we loved each other, it was always a struggle.

I agree, love is definitely NOT enough. On the ''Praise Jesus'' level.

I think what makes it seem effortless is compatiblility. Some couples have personalities that are much more compatible...same with friends or family (well you can''t choose your family but YKWIM).

The deciding factor, for me, is whether I am the one always trying, with nothing to show for it. If couples are trying too hard, but it just doesn''t ever *really* get better, then you know it''s not right. I stress ''really'' because people are in denial about this, which allows them to stay, and stay, and stay.

So true!

 

[musey]

Every couple has their issues, no matter how compatible you are or how much you love each other. Especially after you've been together many years. We've been together almost 6 (which I'm not sure I'd yet classify as "many"), and I'm just starting to see the whole 'ups and downs' thing as a pattern. We have our rough patches, and our great streaks.

Times of transition, which many LIW are experiencing - whether that be moving from 'student' mode to 'real world' mode (which I myself experienced not long ago), changing cities, or even just going from girlfriend to LIW - can really turn a relationship on its head. People can start displaying personality traits that you've never seen in them before... and it really doesn't matter how long you've known them.

That's something that's very hard, and takes awhile to work through. I question at what point those "new" personality conflicts are worth working through. Is it once you've 'invested' in the relationship as bf/gf? Once you're engaged? Once you're married? Once there are kids?

Thoughts?

 

[Bia]

Date: 11/20/2009 2:27:37 PM
Author: musey
Every couple has their issues, no matter how compatible you are or how much you love each other. Especially after you''ve been together many years. We''ve been together almost 6 (which I''m not sure I''d yet classify as ''many''), and I''m just starting to see the whole ''ups and downs'' thing as a pattern. We have our rough patches, and our great streaks.

Times of transition, which many LIW are experiencing - whether that be moving from ''student'' mode to ''real world'' mode (which I myself experienced not long ago), changing cities, or even just going from girlfriend to LIW - can really turn a relationship on its head. People can start displaying personality traits that you''ve never seen in them before... and it really doesn''t matter how long you''ve known them.

That''s something that''s very hard, and takes awhile to work through. I question at what point those ''new'' personality conflicts are worth working through. Is it once you''ve ''invested'' in the relationship as bf/gf? Once you''re engaged? Once you''re married? Once there are kids?

Thoughts?

Musey, I''ve been with FI for 8 years so I know what you mean. Believe me.

If you''re talking about new personalities that have ultimately changed the person for good, then in my case, there aren''t new personalities. It''s a matter of old personalities. Same personalties with hiccups. I truly believe that if we were more compatible personality-wise, we''d be so much more ''easy.'' That is not to say that circumstances don''t change people - it just hasn''t happened to us.

I think I have been questioning my relationship more now than ever BECAUSE I''m enaged. Marriage is no joke and I don''t want to be divorced in 5, 10, 15 years. I''ve made a promise to myself that no matter how much I love my FI (or how much I''d miss him) I wouldn''t marry him if it didn''t feel right. It has to feel right. If I have a voice telling me something is wrong, I can''t go through with it. Recently it got very difficult. But I had to recognize that a part of it was me. It''s still not perfect, but it is definitely worth working through. We''ll see how it goes.

 

[princesss]

Date: 11/20/2009 2:27:37 PM
Author: musey
Every couple has their issues, no matter how compatible you are or how much you love each other. Especially after you''ve been together many years. We''ve been together almost 6 (which I''m not sure I''d yet classify as ''many''), and I''m just starting to see the whole ''ups and downs'' thing as a pattern. We have our rough patches, and our great streaks.

Times of transition, which many LIW are experiencing - whether that be moving from ''student'' mode to ''real world'' mode (which I myself experienced not long ago), changing cities, or even just going from girlfriend to LIW - can really turn a relationship on its head. People can start displaying personality traits that you''ve never seen in them before... and it really doesn''t matter how long you''ve known them.

That''s something that''s very hard, and takes awhile to work through. I question at what point those ''new'' personality conflicts are worth working through. Is it once you''ve ''invested'' in the relationship as bf/gf? Once you''re engaged? Once you''re married? Once there are kids?

Thoughts?

Interesting questions!

I definitely agree that transitions are tough. Any liminal period where you are in between stages/classifications make things really difficult. But I tend to classify that as the world throwing things at you, not something that is coming from a crack in the relationship, you know? So going from student to employee is a change coming from outside of the relationship that affects what''s happening in it. Sometimes it causes temporary changes in behaviour, and sometimes those are there to stay. But I think each person has to draw the line at what they''re willing to work through. I think most things can be worked through as long as they don''t stem from a fundamental difference between partners.

I know M and I have had rough patches - times when we were just so lost that we didn''t know which way was up, and it really affected how we worked as a couple. But in those rough patches I was always looking to him to help me get out of them. I wasn''t relying on friends to get me through - I looked to him for help. Even though they suck, I think of them (in hindsight) as growing pains - they''re helping make things bigger and better.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 11/20/2009 1:56:14 PM
Author: Bia

Date: 11/20/2009 1:46:58 PM
Author: princesss
Glad you posted, DF. You''re definitely one of the people that''s gotten me thinking about this, but it almost seems like a trend on LIW and IRL lately - ''Oh, well, we''ll make it work/It''ll just take some work/Just gotta use a little elbow grease.'' KWIM?

I guess maybe my confusion with it is that I''m firmly in the ''love is NOT all you need'' camp. In relationships where I thought that we''d be okay because we loved each other, it was always a struggle.

I agree, love is definitely NOT enough. On the ''Praise Jesus'' level.

I think what makes it seem effortless is compatiblility. Some couples have personalities that are much more compatible...same with friends or family (well you can''t choose your family but YKWIM).

The deciding factor, for me, is whether I am the one always trying, with nothing to show for it. If couples are trying too hard, but it just doesn''t ever *really* get better, then you know it''s not right. I stress ''really'' because people are in denial about this, which allows them to stay, and stay, and stay.

Ditto.

FI and I have an "easy relationship". It comes naturally because we are so compatible, and over the years we''ve learned each other''s quirks, and become even more compatible than we were originally. We have joked that people who see us together, interacting would probably assume that we had just started dating because it''s just FUN. And it looks like it to people on the outside too.

And it has a lot to do with the three stages. The initial honeymoon stage (can last anywhere from a couple months to a couple years), the tumultuous stage (when people really start being normal, and stop minding their manners--usually when a couple breaks up) then the acceptance stage (when the relationship solidifies, and you accept your partner for who they are). Things can happen later which causes a relationship to dissolve, but that is different for everyone and really situational.

We went fast. As a couple we''ve dealt with tragedy, with potential death and disability, and illness. And it has made us stronger, but it has also made us not take the relationship so SERIOUSLY. Say we bicker over not taking out the trash, but both of us will remove ourselves from the situation at hand and process just how important this disagreement is to life, and that couple seconds of reflection brings us back to being HAPPY, instead of concentrating on this piddly little bad thing that doesn''t matter in the grand scheme of things.

So effort? There isn''t much of the laborious effort that I have been reading so much about. It just works with us.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 11/20/2009 2:27:37 PM
Author: musey
Every couple has their issues, no matter how compatible you are or how much you love each other. Especially after you've been together many years. We've been together almost 6 (which I'm not sure I'd yet classify as 'many'), and I'm just starting to see the whole 'ups and downs' thing as a pattern. We have our rough patches, and our great streaks.

Times of transition, which many LIW are experiencing - whether that be moving from 'student' mode to 'real world' mode (which I myself experienced not long ago), changing cities, or even just going from girlfriend to LIW - can really turn a relationship on its head. People can start displaying personality traits that you've never seen in them before... and it really doesn't matter how long you've known them.

That's something that's very hard, and takes awhile to work through. I question at what point those 'new' personality conflicts are worth working through. Is it once you've 'invested' in the relationship as bf/gf? Once you're engaged? Once you're married? Once there are kids?

Thoughts?

I question it too Musey. I think that as the relationship "deepens" it becomes harder and harder to leave. But it happens. That's why we have divorce and child custody laws.

 

[4ever]

I think the lack of effort or work required to make BF and I work has bothered me for a while, or more just weirded me out. I've never been in a "real" relationship before him but I always thought it would be alot harder then this. Couples everywhere are fighting and breaking up or getting divorced or in counciling and I just came to the conclusion that these things take alot of work to keep them together, but for us they just don't.

I do try and put effort in but not to keep the relationship going but because I want to show him how much I love and appriciate him but that could be just making him dinner after work when I'm already exhusted or putting down my uni work for an hour to just spend time with him doing nothing. It's odd that it should be this effortless.

I just be myself and he just is himself and we co-habbitate and spend almost all of our free time together and it just works.

ETA: Freke- I totally agree with the three stages of a relationship and I think people would be better prepared for a relationship if they were more awear that people aren't always going to be as perfect as they seem at the beginning.

 

[princessplease]

I've experienced both. With FI, things are SO easy and natural, that like you, I really wonder sometimes "Am I missing something?" LOL! But he's just so easy going, loving and carefree, that things just flow so naturally. I never thought relationships were like that until I met him. When I was with my ex of 4 years, I had to work very hard to keep the relationship barely alive in the end. I thought that was normal, that these kinds of things take work. Granted, that relationship was at a hard age in life (16-20), so I never knew or experienced anything different. I was basically a young, naive kid. I thought that relationships were supposed to be hard, and that they couldn't be easy and care free like things are with FI.

Until FI and I started dating, my ex was my only foray into the land of serious relationships. I had a few relationships of a few months between my ex and FI, but nothing too serious. However, I remember the relationship with the guy I dated prior to FI. I never worked so incredibly hard at any relationship (friendship, acquaintance, or lover) in my life. And we only dated for 2.5 months at that! I was SO incredibly exhausted trying to watch what I did, what I said, where I went, how I acted, how I said things, etc, that I wasn't me. I lost sight of who I was and what made me the strong woman I thought of myself to be. He was terribly abusive in a verbal way, and there were a few times when my mind wandered to "I wonder if he'd ever hit me." But, I digress. Thankfully, I was able to see that a relationship should not have required all this work to be someone I wasn't, just to ensure this man wouldn't get mad at me and insult me.

FI is wonderful. Of course, we have our quarrels, but he's incredibly easy going and laid back, and those are qualities I adore about him. I can be pretty fidgety and all over the place at times, and FI is incredible at calming me down and helping me be carefree. Everyday just kind of flows and goes by, sort of running themselves. Things have always been like this as well. Day to day living is very easy and carefree with us, and has been since we moved in together (we've lived together for 14 months). I lived with my ex of 4 years, and things were not the same. The everyday life 'stuff' was so hard (trying to get him take out the trash, cook, clean, wash dishes, etc, and of course, I know I was a part of that), and with FI, it's so much easier. FI and I are just incredibly compatible, and we get along so smoothly.

 

[JSM]

Date: 11/20/2009 12:48:02 PM
Author: monarch64
JSM--huge ditto. Really, I had no idea it could be this easy. But you know, if someone had tried to shake sense into me (and they did when I was married), I wouldn''t have listened because I wasn''t ready to hear it. Everyone has to get there in their own time, and their own way.

And ditto to you. My old relationship was TERRIBLE! He was not a bad guy, just horrible for me. No matter what anyone said I refused to see it from their perspective, I had to see it for myself. I''m a better person for it, but I wasted a few years!

I''ve read a bit about your story and I''m so glad to hear that you''ve found a guy that you are so happy with.

You deserve it!

 

[bee*]

I do think that all relationships require a little bit of effort, just to keep things fresh and both partners happy. However I think when there''s effort required every day just for all the little things that''s when problems can arise.

Bia-I hear you on the opposites thing-D and I are so opposite in all our interests and even our personalities. We''ve been quite lucky in that we both accepted each other pretty quickly however there are times when it can cause a row because we think quite differently from each other.

 

[JSM]

Date: 11/20/2009 2:27:37 PM
Author: musey
Every couple has their issues, no matter how compatible you are or how much you love each other. Especially after you''ve been together many years. We''ve been together almost 6 (which I''m not sure I''d yet classify as ''many''), and I''m just starting to see the whole ''ups and downs'' thing as a pattern. We have our rough patches, and our great streaks.


Times of transition, which many LIW are experiencing - whether that be moving from ''student'' mode to ''real world'' mode (which I myself experienced not long ago), changing cities, or even just going from girlfriend to LIW - can really turn a relationship on its head. People can start displaying personality traits that you''ve never seen in them before... and it really doesn''t matter how long you''ve known them.


That''s something that''s very hard, and takes awhile to work through. I question at what point those ''new'' personality conflicts are worth working through. Is it once you''ve ''invested'' in the relationship as bf/gf? Once you''re engaged? Once you''re married? Once there are kids?


Thoughts?

These are very good points. Those major transition stages are where many relationships fall apart.

I am not trying to make it seem like my relationship is perfect, because of course it isn''t. Not even close! On a personal level, I think that we went through our own ''personal growth'' stages before we met, so by the time we knew each other, we already knew ourselves and what we wanted. So much of a relationship is timing. And nothing is guaranteed. But if the foundations of the relationship is strong, hopefully it can stand up to the coming storms.

 

[vc10um]

Date: 11/20/2009 4:53:45 PM
Author: jsm

These are very good points. Those major transition stages are where many relationships fall apart.


I am not trying to make it seem like my relationship is perfect, because of course it isn''t. Not even close! On a personal level, I think that we went through our own ''personal growth'' stages before we met, so by the time we knew each other, we already knew ourselves and what we wanted. So much of a relationship is timing. And nothing is guaranteed. But if the foundations of the relationship is strong, hopefully it can stand up to the coming storms.

jsm, I think you hit the nail on the head with probably a lot of us with that statement. Knowing who you are as a person is so important when entering a relationship. It''s so easy to fall into the trap of trying to make yourself perfect for the other person, if you have no idea who you really are or what you really want in life. But when you know who you are and what you want, you know can more easily identify when the relationship just isn''t right--when you''re sacrificing too much of yourself (in time, effort, wants, or even needs) to make a relationship "work".

By the time I met A, I''d been at a job I love for over a year, in a new city I adore, with an established group of trusted friends. I had goals for the future, and knew where I wanted to be in 5, 10, and 15 years. I had also stopped looking for love...because I knew, that too, shouldn''t have to be so much work! And lo and behold, we met by chance on a bus. And when I saw him again 2 days later, I knew I couldn''t let him get away!

Our relationship now is so easy, like all you other ladies have said. Day to day living is just so natural, and everything flows. Sure, we have our little tiffs here and there, but those are resolved quickly, and we''ve only had one real knock-down fight, which also got resolved, though that one took a couple of days. Does it take some effort? Of course! Learning to live with another person always involves effort. Sharing your lives completely takes even more. But does it feel like work to me? Absolutely not.

 

[trillionaire]

relationships takes work, but it shouldn''t be hard work

 

[cindygenit]

for me, its effortless 95% of the time.

and the other 5% requires a bit of work.