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Early pregnancy loss

geri

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
218
So as not to create too much fear or doubt on the just barely preggers thread, I thought it would be good to start a new thread for those who have suffered a loss. I know I have really appreciated the support from so many people on this site, whether or not they have suffered a loss. I hope others like Bliss, HOUmedgal, Noelwr and anyone else suffering a loss will feel free to share, although I understand that this is also a very personal and private time.

We got final confirmation today that our little bean didn''t make it, measuring only 6 weeks, when it should have been nearly 8 weeks, and no heartbeat.
I have started to bleed so we are going to see what happens naturally for the next 24-48 hours and then make a decision about whether to have a D&C. I''d really like to sort out the worst of it before I am due back at work on Monday. Just out of interest, did anyone else have any tenderness around their kidneys?

I think it has now started to sink in for SO. I think he was still holding out hope that it would be okay even though I''d told him I had started to bleed and that the U/s was a forgone conclusion. He was out this morning and called to see if he could bring me home a decaf coffee and I said No, bring the strongest double shot caffeinated coffee you can find! He gave me big hug when he came home and I think he finally realised I meant it when I said it was over. He has a science degree so was also very interested in the detail of the U/s this afternoon. I think it was really good for him to be involved in the detail and if we are lucky enough to be there again, he will feel more part of the process.

Now I am just planning what I am going to have for dinner tonight with no food restrictions! I had a smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel after the news this afternoon and it was so good.
 

Bella_mezzo

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 19, 2009
Messages
5,754
Geri, I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss.

Big hugs to you and Noelwr, Bliss, HouMed, and others. Please know that lots of us are thinking of you in this difficult time and hope to celebrate with you in the future.

XOXO,
Bella
 

swingirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 6, 2006
Messages
5,654
I am sorry for your loss. I was in the same position 20 years ago. Ultrasound showed there was no growth or heart beat at 10 weeks and everything probably stopped around 7-8 weeks. The passing process happened a few days later and if felt like really REALLY bad cramps. I preferred to let nature take it''s course than have a D&C right away. I got pregnant 2 months later.

It''s unfortunate and heartbreaking but I was glad that if something was wrong it ended very early in the pregnancy.

I hope the best for you.
 

noelwr

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 21, 2008
Messages
1,961
ok, well I thought a lot about it (at least as much as you can think about it in 24 hours), and discussed it with DH when he came home last night, and luckily we feel the same way.

this is the way I feel about it. and I'm sorry if it sounds very strange and distant, but I also totally respect women who feel it is a devastating loss. I think there is no right or wrong way to feel.

so I am really into dance/singing competition reality tv shows. and you know how at the end of the show, one person gets kicked off the show and usually ends up in tears? that's me. DH and I did our best, but we just didn't make it to the next round, so here come the tears of disappointment and all the emotions that were welled up inside from having to be so patient for so long. it isn't the end of the world. I know what it is to have your heart broken and what it's like to lose a family member or really close friend. this in no way compares to that all-consuming depression.

today I had some tears reading what you ladies wrote on the barely pregnant thread, but it was because I am so touched that we strangers all want to reach out and be there for each other. I mean that's just beautiful!
here I go again...

I am sure that if we had been trying to get pregnant for a long time or had required medical assistance, the loss would truly have been devastating. but because it happened so quickly for us, we are really positive about trying again. DH is looking forward to lots of baby dancing again
, because unfortunately I haven't really been in the mood during the pregnancy. poor guy.

I think that if I miscarry again, that I might want to stop trying. I have such great respect for women who experience multiple m/cs and keep trying and some actually have success stories, but I am not sure if that's for me. well, hopefully I'll never have to make that decision.

so, now to the near future. I spoke to the OB yesterday and she said it's best to let the body do this naturally, and she will call me next Tuesday and if nothing has happened we can discuss other options. she said once it starts it could take a week, and if it starts at the office not to worry because I have enough time to drive home if I want to. is it weird that I am jealous of geri that she started bleeding? I don't know where my kidneys are, so I can't tell you if there's tenderness there, but I'll ask DH tonight as he's more medical than I am. I do have tenderness on the right side of the abdomen, but it possibly could be from the pressing there during the u/s yesterday.

so anyone know if it's possible that you miscarry but still feel fine enough to go to the office? if the cramping is bad, I'll stay home, but if it goes away with a paracetomol then I'm going to work. TMI alert: the one thing that makes me sick to think about is if I'm actually going to pass stuff that I'm going to recognize. I'll try to look at the pads as little as possible.

and after that disgusting tidbit... food! good call, geri! I'm going to go out and get some camambert for lunch!
 

tiffanytwisted

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 28, 2006
Messages
792
Ladies- I''m so sorry for your losses. I will post more in this thread later (on my way to work) but wanted to answer Noelwr''s question about working. I was 6 weeks when I miscarried-it was really just like a heavy period with more cramping than normal. I could''ve worked if I had wanted to. (it was over a weekend and I had to take Monday off to see my Dr.) I think the hard part is not really knowing when it will happen, so you don''t know if you should stay home from work or not. I''m really sorry that you have to go through this.
 

Mrs Mitchell

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 22, 2006
Messages
2,071
I''ve been there too, and I feel for you, Geri. I''m so sorry that this has happened to you and to the other ladies you mentioned.

I waited almost two years to try again, as we''d had two losses in a year, one at around 8 weeks and one at around 5. I am still very sad about what happened and I still think about my little beans every day, but although it''s a bit of a cliche, time really is a great healer.

I don''t think I ever grieved properly at the time and one thing I would recommend is that anyone going through this painful experience seeks support and counselling if they can face it, because in the long term, I think it would have helped me a lot. ALthough we hadn''t told people, my (all male) staff at work found out (long, horrible story). These guys were amazingly supportive and I don''t think I''d have got through it without them. They surprised me. I did take some time off work, because it was emotionally awful. Physically, I could probably have carried on.

The very, very good news (for me) is that I did go on to have a healthy baby, which I really doubted would happen. It will happen for you too. If you''re ready to try again, you''ll find a lot of support here from ladies who have experienced loss and gone on to have babies. Pregnancy is an anxious time even without that extra worry and there are plenty of us here who understand.

Jen
 

rhbgirl24

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 6, 2009
Messages
2,181
I''m so sorry for everyones losses. I can''t even imagine how I would feel. I was once talking to my MIL about this and she had 6 early to mid miscarriages - It was an rh factor issue that most dont have to deal with now, however I couldn''t imagine going through that.

Good luck to everyone - it will come!
 

Kit

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 7, 2005
Messages
501
Geri, thank you for starting this thread, and I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Noel, as well, I am thinking of you and am so sorry. ETA Noel, I just read your post on the other thread and I see that you found out similarly to how I did, about your m/c. I am so sorry and can totally relate to what a shock it must have been. I really applaud your keeping things in perspective but if you have some ups and downs, that's okay too, and allow yourself to be sad or mad if you are feeling that way. Hugs!!

As you may have read, I had a miscarriage when I was 11 weeks along, at my very first ultrasound (NT screening). My dr apparently didn't have an u/s scheduled until 12 weeks and she wasn't able to detect a heartbeat when I went in for my 9 week appointment although assured me up and down this was normal. At the u/s the baby only measured 9w5d and there was apparently alot of bleeding in there and no blood flow to the fetus.

It was totally devastating and if I am honest, I feel worse about it now as time passes--I expected to be completely over it by now, as we found out August 24. However it's more like the grief and sadness is intensifying and hardening or something inside of me, as more time passes. I have such a deep sense of regret and loss, and my sadness mostly manifests itself in anger and jealousy and very irrational feelings. At the time of the m/c I was so close to my 2nd trimester and my worry over having a m/c was lifting and easing, even though I never heard the heartbeat of my baby, I felt him/her in my uterus and just felt so pregnant. And in the blink of an eye, suddenly I went from being pregnant to NOT. The sense of loss is just overwhelming. I still think about it every day.

My OB recommended a D&C because I had absolutely no symptoms of m/c whatsoever, still had all my pg symptoms and because of the size of the fetus (almost 10 weeks) she really worried about me passing naturally. I was so distraught, I agreed and I scheduled a D&C for just a few days later, then walked out of her office balling. In retrospect I really encourage everyone going through this to just wait and give yourself some time to make the decision about how to handle the m/c yourself, instead of just rushing in to end the siutation surgically--even if you decide to have a D&C which is a perfectly fine decision. Also, mentally I wish I had asked for an u/s again before the procedure just to put my mind at ease about everything and be 110% sure I was doing the right thing because today I am just haunted by so many "what ifs" and although intellectually I know the pregnancy was over, it would have given me peace of mind today that I don't have in my darker moments.

I am hoping this thread can be a support to those of us struggling to come to peace with having a miscarriage and that we can help one another gain a better perspective and closure.
 

noelwr

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 21, 2008
Messages
1,961
thank so much for sharing, Kit

if I may ask, are you TTC again? does part of the grief stem from not being pregnant again yet or does that not have anything to do with it? if it''s too personal, you need not answer.

I''m just a bit fed up with my body that it''s too stupid to realize that it should miscarry. every time I feel like what could be a cramp I get excited. it''s sad, I know.
 

somethingshiny

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2007
Messages
6,746
Once again, to all of you ladies who are suffering, I am truly sorry for your losses.

As many of you know from the Barely thread, I''ve had 5 M/Cs. It''s actually odd how different they were. I do believe everyone experiences different levels of symptoms, physically and emotionally and, from my own experience, one to the other in your own body.

Noel~ I was able to work through 2 M/Cs. They were basically like horrible periods, those were lost between 6 and 8 weeks. My further M/Cs I could not work through. I had lots of tissue and cramps so bad that I just rocked and cried. None of the M/Cs were assisted, all natural. The worst one was when we lost the heartbeat around 10 weeks, but I carried for another 3. It was honestly the grossest stuff I''ve ever seen.

I think the level of distress also depends on when you believe "baby" begins. I''ve known pregnant women who didn''t feel "pregnant" until the first trimester had passed, it was just a "possible" pregnancy. So for them, the loss wasn''t as all-encompassing as it is for others. I was more devastated losing my babies than losing a grandparent.

I know you girls started a new thread for this topic and I understand why. But please know that I am happy to answer any questions no matter how personal they may be.

I wish you all peace and comfort during these difficult times. I also pray that you all find the strength to try again. Babies are certainly a blessing and you each deserve your own baby in your arms.
 

Kit

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 7, 2005
Messages
501
Noel, it is my pleasure to share if it helps in any way. Selfishly I am grateful for the opportunity to come to PS and open up, as there is really no one in my life who I can do so with, even DH or my parents just don''t really understand what I am going through.

I do believe that the grief is digging in, so to speak, because we are TTC and haven''t had another pg yet. With my first pg I was extremely fortunate to get KU on the first try so all in all, we haven''t really been TTC that long and I can only imagine how painful it must be to mc after waiting months for a first pg. We are on the 4th cycle after the mc and I do think that if/when I get pg again I will be able to channel some of my pain and anger away and open my heart up to hope for a baby. I know what you mean somewhat about being frustrated with your body, I am not sure how long my body would have held on to my pregnancy but it was 2 weeks with NO symptoms and I still had all my pregnancy symptoms as well...it was like my body just didn''t get the memo about the m/c or something. Our bodies are very mysterious despite all the science has shed light on. I will say, for me it took about 2 weeks after my D&C for me to feel normal again, I had light bleeding and cramping during that time that really wouldn''t go away without prescription strength motrin. I went back to work after taking 2 days off because I was sitting alone at home with only movies and TV to distract me and felt like I was going nuts, so that is another factor--your mental health. TMI--my cramping and bleeding finally ended after I passed some kind of a clot or tissue or something, perhaps left over from the procedure, that my body was clearly trying to expunge. After that was gone, everything went back to normal and I got a period 30 days later which I felt really happy about.

SomethingShiny, I just want to say that I am so sorry for all your losses and my heart goes out to you. You are very brave and don''t forget that. I agree, perhaps there is a correlation between when you know you are pregnant and how long it''s gone?? Not sure. For me, I knew I was pregnant even before I tested, I was having cramping and sore breasts and continued to really feel the embryo burrowing into my uterus with cramping for a few weeks after my BFP. By the time I was 10 weeks, my uterus had grown and I could really feel it inside my body, a presence that was not there before. My pregnancy was very tangible I guess, and so the loss was also quite tangible. I also continued to have symptoms even after the D&C which was difficult to experience.
 

Mara

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 30, 2002
Messages
31,003
I am so sorry for all of the losses.. and glad you ladies have each other (and all of the other fabulous women of PS) to help support you.

One thing that my friend has told me may help just a little. She is trying and has been for almost 9 months, had one implant and an early loss so far. It may be not much consolation now, but her Dr has told her that sometimes your body just needs a kick start to figure out how to do things. Like once an implantation has happened, your body might go 'oh got it now'...and the Dr felt it would be more apt to get it right the next time around. I thought that was a positive way of viewing. Our bodies are crazy machines in so many ways, and I guess they don't always get it right the first time.

Hoping hugely for future implantation, stickiness, and resounding heartbeat thumping for all of you. Hang in there.
 

ChargerGrrl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 17, 2005
Messages
2,865
Geri and Noel, I''m so very sorry for your losses. Please take care of yourselves.

I hope that 2010 will bring you much love and joy!
 

drk

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 15, 2005
Messages
1,102
Sorry for everyone else''s losses. I''ve also had two, one at 8.5 weeks after 2.5 years of TTCing and months of infertility meds and monitoring, and one 9 months after that after injects + IUI and a whole bunch more trying in the meantime. The second one was more like a chemical pregnancy, with my beta peaking around 500 and me bleeding from the time of my BFP on. I had a few days off during that one - they sent me home from call one night because I briefly became teary and said I hoped it would be a quiet night because I was 4 weeks pregnant and bleeding and not sure what was happening. Once the beta started dropping and I knew it was game over, I went back to work.

With my first loss, I started spotting on Sunday at work (after seeing two nice ultrasounds with strong heartbeats in the first 8 weeks), scanned myself at work on the Monday and couldn''t see the heartbeat any more. I went in to the doctor for confirmatory ultrasound that day because I couldn''t stand not having the official word, and took the next day off just because I didn''t know if I''d be sobbing all over patients or not. I went back the next day and worked right through the actual miscarriage. I took tylenol and advil for the slight crampiness, but never needed to fill my script for Tylenol #3. I bled a fair bit, but it wasn''t overly awful, and I didn''t have any crazy passage of tissue, even though the baby stopped growing at 8.5 weeks. I was given the option to take a pill to bring on the miscarriage or to schedule a D&C, but I didn''t want to take the risks of surgery + more time off + risks of infection or perforation or adhesions in the uterus. Luckily for me, things happened over the next few days on their own.

Some people feel the need to book a D&C right away to be sure it''s over, but that wasn''t for me. They do them all the time where I work, and I just don''t get why the patients and OBs are so quick to say the patient is bleeding (often it''s slight spotting, but they''ll say the patient is bleeding and that they urgently need the surgery in the middle of the night, which is so not true) and must have the D&C as soon as possible. I bleed every month during my period, and I bled during my miscarriage, and everything was fine. Unless I were hemorrhaging, I personally would try wait-and-see and then medical management first.

It''s so nice to have a caring place like this to talk about losses, and interesting to see how everyone has a slightly different take on things. I''ll wish you all the best of luck in trying again!

(After my two losses in 3 years of TTCing, we pursued recurrent loss testing which came up with nothing, and then moved on to IVF, and are now finally 30.5 weeks pregnant. It''s been a very long haul, but if there''s hope for us, there''s hope for all of you!)
 

Siamese Kitty

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 3, 2006
Messages
863
Gosh, I had no idea this was going on in the early pregnancy thread until I saw this thread. Ladies, I'm so so sorry... I feel selfish having posted about my loss in PinW without acknowledging all of yours. It's truly awful, isn't it? There are so many feelings: disbelief, shock, grief, anger, and of course, jealousy. And then there are moments that are too painful to describe, like last month when my niece was baptized in church and right before her was an infant boy with the same name as my son.

I feel awful for those of you who are going through this physically right now and I hope you don't experience too much pain. For all the ladies here, there is a brighter tomorrow and hopefully, the promise of a second (or third, forth...) child. I do find that celebrating my little one as if he will always be my first child and part of our family (which he is) gives me some comfort.

Prayers outgoing to everyone here. Like someone else above said, please don't forget to take care of yourself right now.

~SK

Ed: sp
 

ponder

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 5, 2009
Messages
743
After experiencing two early miscarriages last year, I want to really encourage everyone to keep hopeing and praying and TTC.

I feel that I was lucky in that I would begin to bleed only days after a PPT. I never got to see a heartbeat. I think that would have really broken my heart. Also, I never had to have a D&C and recover from that. My biggest fear and heartache was not those two losses, but that I would never successfully carry a child.

Also, I want to encourage everyone to seek testing if you experience multiple loss. I was very lucky that my OB\GYN refered me to a specialist immediately after my second loss. There are not answers for everyone, but for many women there are.
 

Bliss

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 4, 2008
Messages
3,016
All of you ladies are so brave to share all of your stories... I am so sorry for your losses, especially geri, SK and Noelwr for your recent news. (((HUGS)))

I was one of the first from the Halloween BFPs to have a m/c and posted in the Barely Preggo thread, which I am happy to say is going strong! But what a great thread to have here. I have really needed the support sometimes because I have so many darned questions!

It is really hard to wait for one full cycle to TTC again. Initially, I thought there was no way I'd even think about it until a few months later. But now, I feel a strong urge to try again. The doctors say to wait 2-3 cycles. Some say the body will know when it's time. And others say 1 cycle is sufficient before TTC.

I was like noelwr... I feel you, girlfriend! I didn't bleed either and it was SO frustrating that my body didn't know it shouldn't be pregnant anymore. That was the hardest part - I still had nausea, huge boobs and everything. Even now, it's taking a while for the hormones to all come out. I used a HPT on Sunday and got a positive. GAH. Tuesday, it was positive but more faint. Whew.

I had an MVA, which is supposed to be a gentler process than the D&C but I took off a week and a half just to recalibrate. DH took off a week to spend with me because I was really sad and we didn't know what the recovery process would be like. I also had my mom fly up during the first week. I probably went overboard with the recovery process but I was so scared and had no idea what to expect. My mom acted like the world was ending and pretty much seemed to think that I'd be helpless in bed for a week. I wasn't. The same day, I actually felt so much better. But emotionally, it was really nice to have them around taking care of me. I didn't want to do anything but cry, watch movies on demand and rest. In retrospect, I am sure I could have gone back to work. Maybe it would have helped me get my mind off of things faster. But I'm glad I took the time off because I was nowhere near ready emotionally to face work and the stress that comes along with it. The smallest things would make me cry - I think I had a lot of hormones swirling around my system for a while.

Now, we are feeling a lot better. DH and I are hopeful about trying again. We just aren't sure when but when it feels right, we will.

I am sending my thoughts and prayers to you brave ladies and your angel babies. (((HUGS))) Thanks for all the amazing support and friendship. I would never have made it without all the love, support and friendship during that time ...because so few people knew, this community was a godsend.
 

packrat

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 12, 2008
Messages
10,615
My condolences to everyone here who has suffered a loss. In between London and Trapper, we had a m/c, in early 2006. 4 years later, I would think it wouldn''t be quite as hard to think about, but reading what others have gone thru, and knowing how it felt for me, just makes my heart break for all of you. I remember how it hurt, not so much the physical pain, cramping etc, although that did hurt, it''s the heart pain that is so raw. I remember being at work, taking insurance information, scheduling patients etc, and in the back of my mind thinking how strange it was to be smiling and making small talk with patients while the whole time I was bleeding and in the middle of a m/c.

I remember a thread over the summer about m/c, and I wrote what worked for me, and helped me heal. Maybe it will help someone else going thru it as well:

It''s hard to deal with and understand. I was posting on a mommy board at the time, and there was a specific forum for it, and I remember spending quite a bit of time reading posts, crying. Then I read a post from a mom who''d had a miscarriage, and gone on to have another baby. She was talking about how much it hurt and how angry she was, but then after she had the next baby, she realized-this was the baby she was meant to have, and as painful as it was, she wouldn''t have had this baby otherwise. This was her baby to hold forever in her arms, and the baby she had lost was her baby to hold forever in her heart. That clicked for me, and while it didn''t "make it all better", it made it more bearable. And when Trapper was born, I thought of what that woman said, and I cried extra tears for the baby I''ll hold forever in my heart.
 

HOUMedGal

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 13, 2005
Messages
1,831
Well, I''m sad that there are enought of us who have lost pregnancies lately to make this thread worthwhile, but I''m very glad we have it now! There''s still so much I want to talk about, but I always felt like the just barely preggo thread wasn''t the right place to talk about it.

I''m another one of the Halloween BFP''s that ended in loss (me and my pal Blissie! hehe!).

Here''s my story...We had our first prenatal visit on November 30th, which was 7 weeks 2 days by dates. My doc did an ultrasound, and spent a long time looking at the heart rate and making measurements...she didn''t like what she saw. Our baby was measuring a week behind at 6 weeks 2 days, and the heart rate was in the low 100''s, when it should have been at least 120. I gave a blood sample for HCG and progesterone, and went home with the plan to come back in just over a week for a repeat ultrasound. My doctor called me later that night with my lab results...HCG was 45,000 and progesterone was 11.7 (HCG was appropriate for my dates, progesterone on the low side, so she called in a prescription for progesterone supplements and I started taking them that night). She also asked me if I wanted to come in sooner for the repeat ultrasound (YES of course), so we went back 5 days later.

At that second appointment, the baby hadn''t grown at all and the heart rate was in the 80-90''s. This, I think, was the hardest day of all, because I had still been maintaining hope that things might be OK, but that ultrasound was confirmation that things were definitely headed in the wrong direction. My doctor said that there was still a teeny kernel of hope (she said 1 in 1000-2000), that she had seen things like this turn into a healthy pregnancy before, but that we should prepare ourselves for a loss. We made an appointment for a week later for yet another follow up ultrasound.

Finally, after 2 very difficult weeks, the 3rd ultrasound gave us the closure we needed. At that point, there had been maybe one day of interval growth, but there was no heart beat. I hadn''t started any cramping or bleeding, so mine qualified as a "missed abortion." We talked about what we wanted to do, and I just needed it to be over, as opposed to waiting for what could be several weeks for the miscarriage to start occuring on its own. My doctor scheduled me for a D&C on the first day she could get me in, which was December 15th.

I went in to the hospital on that day, still hadn''t started bleeding or cramping on my own. The procedure itself went smoothly, except my doctor said I was "a bleeder" and bled more than expected, so she gave me several meds to help my uterus contract down and stop bleeding. Afterward, I spent about 1 hr in recovery, then went home. I was very tired that day, and also the next, but went back to work the 3rd day after. Afterward, I have had bleeding comparable to a light-medium period alternating with spotting sometimes.

It''s been 2 weeks now, and the bleeding has slowed to light spotting. I went to my doctor for my 2 week followup appointment yesterday...she said everything looks good! My HCG drawn yesterday came back at 318, so she wants me to come back in 2 more weeks and have more blood drawn to ensure that the HCG is trending down. I''m wondering how long it will take to get back down to nil...I kinda wish it would hurry up so that my cycles will resume and we can think about trying again. I hope it''s not months before my normal AF shows up again.

WHEW that was a long post. I am so glad to have you ladies here to compare notes with. I hate that there are so many of us going through this right now, but gosh, it sure is nice to have our little support group, isn''t it?? BIG BIG hugs to Geri and Noel...you''re getting through the hardest part right now, and things WILL get better. Hang in there. And Bliss....it''s so good to hear from you again! I''ve been thinking about you a lot lately and wondering how you''re doing. :)

I have so much more to talk about, but I''ve gotta go to bed tonight...will save it for the next post. Theme of next post: "Thoughts on trying again....."
 

geri

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
218
Noelwr - I really feel for you having to wait. I think that has been the worst part of this whole process for me. Thankfully, nature seems to be taking its course and I think the worst of it is now over. I really hope that you get to a quick resolution.

This next bit may be TMI, so feel free so skip it, but I did have some obvious tissue passing last night. I had about an hour of bad cramping and then the tissue passed and I immediately felt much better. I apologise for saying it but the only reason I do is that, while I was okay with it because my body was doing what it needed to do, I would have felt a little uncomfortable had it not occurred in a private place. We were due at a friend''s place for dinner and we were in our car on the way when I asked SO to turn around because I was feeling awful. The tissue passed about half an hour later and it caught me by surprise but I was glad I as at home. I really hope you don''t experience this at all, and it seems many others haven''t, but if you start to cramp badly it may help to go somewhere private.

I felt much better straight after and while i know the bleeding will continue for a while, I feel the worst is over. We had a mini-picnic of wine and soft cheese last night and toasted to new beginnings. I hope this doesn''t sound terribly superficial, but SO and I are getting married in a couple of months and, while we decided to go ahead with it when we found out I was pregnant, some of our plans were going to have to change quite a bit because of the pregnancy. Now I think it will be an extra-special celebration for the two of us and we can do everything we originally planned (I can wear the dress I had originally chosen, sample all the beautiful food and wine that I couldn''t have had otherwise and we can honeymoon wherever we like) and our honeymoon will hopefully be extra special because we will then hopefully start TTC again. I would have happily sacrificed all of this for the baby but, as that is not to be, it will now be the celebration we had originally planned and I think will be even more meaningful for us.

Thankyou to everyone else for sharing and for your support. It seems for so many of us there is limited opportunity to discuss things openly outside forums like this. It helps me to know that my feelings are normal, to know that although, I will feel some of the same fear expressed by others about TTC again, that there is still a lot of hope for us and I can only hope that if it takes us a long time to have a successful pregnancy, I will have the courage and dignity of those who have been through so much to have their bubs (and bubs in waiting).

Drk and somethingshiny - I wish you all the best for the bubs you are carrying.

Siamese kitty - I think you are incredibly generous offering your support to others here. Not to undermine anyone else''s loss but I know you had a later loss than most of us and that must have been devastating. I wish you all the best in healing and for a successful pregnancy in the future.

To the others who are hoping to TTC again, wishing you all lots of baby dust for 2010.

Happy New Year everyone.
 

Blackpaw

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 26, 2008
Messages
2,469
i dont often post in these threads, being at a different stage of my life than TTC, but im so sorry Bliss, HMG, Noel, Geri, Kit and others...

My thoughts are with you, sending dust your way for future TTC.
 

noelwr

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 21, 2008
Messages
1,961
gosh, I''m overwhelmed by all the posts! I''m not going to reply directly to all posts (as it isn''t *my* thread), but please know that I have read them all.

Mara - I like the kick start theory. this was actually my 2nd pregnancy as I had an elected abortion 10 years ago (and that one brought me a lot of grief as I was the one who made that decision... but I think because I experienced that I am able to see this loss in a different light), but I will tell myself that my body forgot what it learned 10 years ago and needs to relearn it.


packrat - your last paragraph reminds me what HOUMedGal said on the other thread. she said her mom also had a m/c before her, and her father told her that had that not happened, they might not have had their beautiful daughter HOUMedGal. I thought that was such a loving thing to say!

HOU - I can''t believe it was only 2 weeks ago for you! my gosh, I thought it was like a month ago. thank you for all your posts as they have really helped me.

and thanks to everyone else who was very candid about the natural m/c because I really want to know what to expect. I know in the future when I think back, I''ll think more about the loss than the actual m/c, but you can understand that right now I''m focussed on this to happen. as many of you know, I live in a country where they support "au naturel" for everything regarding pregnancy which is why I''m waiting for this to happen naturally, but if nothing happens by the time the dr calls me on Tues, then I''m really going to schedule a D&C.

so DH suggested I get back on the treadmill to perhaps trigger my body to wake up which I did this morning (plus I have to work off the holiday calories) and I lay down in my sunbed for 20 min, which is something I hadn''t done due to the pregnancy. the nausea is completely gone, I think that''s pretty much the case for the last week so hopefully some signal is getting through to my body.

one thing this whole experience has brought to light is that DH and I are surrounded by such a loving family, and even if we don''t end up having a kid, we are truly lucky to be part of such a family.
 

steph72276

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 16, 2005
Messages
4,212
I just wanted to send a giant hug out to all those that have lost little ones early in their pregnancy, both those that have posted and those that are lurking. I experienced this exactly a year ago...lost my little one at 9 weeks and had to have a D&C. While I am pregnant again, I still have a hard time with the loss sometimes. It DOES get so much better with time, but every once in the while, out of the blue it will hit me and I will find myself wondering if it was a boy or a girl and think about how many months the baby would be right now. Just know that you all have lots of support from many women who have experienced the same thing, and I hope you are all blessed again soon with sweet babies.
 

Kit

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 7, 2005
Messages
501
I want to extend my sympathies to those who have added posts here, including Drk, Siamese, Ponder, Bliss, Packrat, and Hou. ETA and Steph too. I also thank those who have stopped by to offer support and encouragement.

For those wondering about when to TTC again, I think there is conflicting guidance given by Drs about this, some say wait 3 cycles, others say wait 1, etc. However (and I think I read posts about this in another PS thread) it honestly doesn't matter to your body, and you might even have increased fertility right after your m/c. What matters is if you are mentally ready and want to try again. For me I immediatley, like the next day, wished we could TTC that instant. Unfortunately I think because of the D&C I had to wait until my next period because my body still thought it was pg.

I wanted to pose a question to the group about jealousy. I have been struggling with these feelings, ironically not towards those on PS and certainly not towards those who have been struggling, have had losses, and/or trying for a time to TTC, but towards close family members and friends who get KU quickly and seem to take it for granted or something. It's strange because I love these women, really, and under normal circumstances would not be upset in the least. My feelings are really irrational and not like me at all. I have these pangs of anger and jealousy towards them and their pregnancies. It's like they don't know how lucky they are and show no humility about the precariousness of life. Can anyone relate? I really wish this aspect of it would go away, my DH hates it and says it's unhealthy so I've just been keeping my feelings to myself mostly. It's possible that this is just a weird ugly phase I am going through but thought I would see what the women here have to say. TIA.
 

Siamese Kitty

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 3, 2006
Messages
863
Date: 12/30/2009 11:48:16 PM
Author: geri
Noelwr - I really feel for you having to wait. I think that has been the worst part of this whole process for me. Thankfully, nature seems to be taking its course and I think the worst of it is now over. I really hope that you get to a quick resolution.

This next bit may be TMI, so feel free so skip it, but I did have some obvious tissue passing last night. I had about an hour of bad cramping and then the tissue passed and I immediately felt much better. I apologise for saying it but the only reason I do is that, while I was okay with it because my body was doing what it needed to do, I would have felt a little uncomfortable had it not occurred in a private place. We were due at a friend''s place for dinner and we were in our car on the way when I asked SO to turn around because I was feeling awful. The tissue passed about half an hour later and it caught me by surprise but I was glad I as at home. I really hope you don''t experience this at all, and it seems many others haven''t, but if you start to cramp badly it may help to go somewhere private.

I felt much better straight after and while i know the bleeding will continue for a while, I feel the worst is over. We had a mini-picnic of wine and soft cheese last night and toasted to new beginnings. I hope this doesn''t sound terribly superficial, but SO and I are getting married in a couple of months and, while we decided to go ahead with it when we found out I was pregnant, some of our plans were going to have to change quite a bit because of the pregnancy. Now I think it will be an extra-special celebration for the two of us and we can do everything we originally planned (I can wear the dress I had originally chosen, sample all the beautiful food and wine that I couldn''t have had otherwise and we can honeymoon wherever we like) and our honeymoon will hopefully be extra special because we will then hopefully start TTC again. I would have happily sacrificed all of this for the baby but, as that is not to be, it will now be the celebration we had originally planned and I think will be even more meaningful for us.

Thankyou to everyone else for sharing and for your support. It seems for so many of us there is limited opportunity to discuss things openly outside forums like this. It helps me to know that my feelings are normal, to know that although, I will feel some of the same fear expressed by others about TTC again, that there is still a lot of hope for us and I can only hope that if it takes us a long time to have a successful pregnancy, I will have the courage and dignity of those who have been through so much to have their bubs (and bubs in waiting).

Drk and somethingshiny - I wish you all the best for the bubs you are carrying.

Siamese kitty - I think you are incredibly generous offering your support to others here. Not to undermine anyone else''s loss but I know you had a later loss than most of us and that must have been devastating. I wish you all the best in healing and for a successful pregnancy in the future.

To the others who are hoping to TTC again, wishing you all lots of baby dust for 2010.

Happy New Year everyone.

Oh Geri,

Thank goodness you turned around. What a painful experience that must have been. I hope that was the worst of it.


Please don''t think you''re being superficial, you''re just going on with your life. This is very important. One dream has fallen flat, but it doesn''t mean you should punish yourself if you seek out others. I hope your wedding is everything you hoped for and more. And I wish you lots of success in the future with your family as well.


Thank you for this comment above and your well wishes. Gosh, yes, it is so hard.
As my due date approaches, I find myself becoming more upset. The nurse said that would happen. I have to say, though, I''m really grateful for this thread. And I know I was farther along, but it''s nice to talk to others who understand.

*WARNING: the following thoughts are those had out of irrational grief-please don''t think I''m an awful person after reading some of this*

It''s so easy to feel "cursed" when something like this happens to you. Here is my story, if you wish to read it. My son was completely healthy. He was viable. His death was caused by a twisted umbilical cord that likely was causing the "low fluid" issue. I sat in a doctor''s office two weeks before this happened and they said the fluid looked "a little low, but nothing to be concerned about". My mom asked the doctor if anything could happen to me or the baby and he said no. I was told to come back in for a re-check in two weeks. I called a week later because I didn''t know if it would be wise to start a new job with this going on and the doctor told me it shouldn''t afffect anything. When I went in for the recheck, the doctor started the US, gave me a panicked look, and said, "I think you lost him." I am haunted by that moment. (seriously, can''t sleep when I think of it) He asked the last time I felt him kick. I rarely did since I had an anterior placenta. He told me I could go to the hospital right away or wait several days, but that I would be induced and go through a "normal" delivery. I remember crying out, "Are you kidding?!?! There must be some other way!" I went to confirm his death at an imaging center across town, went home, packed for the hospital and went. When I think back now, I just have no idea where my strength came from. It was too sad, and the thoughts! "Did he feel pain?" "Did he starve?" "How could I not have known?" I was in labor 27 hours, the last of which I could hear another family cheering a delivery in the next room with a baby crying. At one point, they came into my room with a live newborn when I was waiting for them to bring Liam up so the family could have a final moment with him. My mom collapsed in tears. I was so scared to hold him and wasn''t sure I should, but I was so glad I did. I regret not letting them put him on me after the birth, but I couldn''t handle it. When I think back now, that would have been another moment with him... He was so perfect. I left the next day with my flowers, souvenir baby blanket and pictures, but empty-handed. I''ve never felt so bad, and all I could think was, "Why? WHY???? did this happen to me...)

When you see familar faces on PS going through a similar situation, and these are women who seem like good people, are educated, who really wanted this child, who may be over 30 with biological clocks ticking, who can afford a baby, etc., you realize this could happen to anyone and that none of these circumstances matter. (I am NOT saying the above reasons entitle you to children-these are the meritless justifications I gave myself for why I should have had my baby, AKA feeling sorry for myself.) And I''m not a bad person (I hope), but sometimes you can''t help but think these things... Then I feel sort of ashamed.

I had a student in my class this semester who had a due date one day from me. I couldn''t help looking at her and thinking, "What did she do right that G-d is letting her have her son?" Don''t get me wrong, she is a very bright, hard-working, kind person whom I like and respect very much. She is a teenage pregnancy, not with the father, can barely afford medical care, and here I was with all of this support and medical privilege and it didn''t change anything.

Would I in a million years wish this young lady anything but happiness? Of course not. In fact, I think she rather deserves it. And I hated myself for thinking what I did.

One thing that gives me a lot of solace is knowing from a spiritual perspective that I am not meant to understand this plan right now, but will one day. And that I am loved and not being punished, but perhaps tested.

To speak to the "farther along" idea, here are my thoughts. All sets of circumstances have their challenges. I find that the saddest part of losing my son is mourning what "could have been" rather than "what was". I think that would be even stronger in an early loss. At least I did get to see what Liam looked like, what he smelled like, that he was a boy, and all those other questions you dream about when you''re pregnant.

Wow, I wrote a book. I''m sorry, but thank you for giving me a place to get some thoughts out as we head into a new year. I needed this. I have a lot of faith and hope for the future. And I wish everyone the best of luck, whatever the future holds baby-wise, and extend my thoughts to those who perhaps haven''t had a recent loss, but who carry that with them.

Love,
SK
 

Siamese Kitty

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 3, 2006
Messages
863
Date: 12/31/2009 10:43:38 AM
Author: Kit
I want to extend my sympathies to those who have added posts here, including Drk, Siamese, Ponder, Bliss, Packrat, and Hou. ETA and Steph too. I also thank those who have stopped by to offer support and encouragement.

For those wondering about when to TTC again, I think there is conflicting guidance given by Drs about this, some say wait 3 cycles, others say wait 1, etc. However (and I think I read posts about this in another PS thread) it honestly doesn''t matter to your body, and you might even have increased fertility right after your m/c. What matters is if you are mentally ready and want to try again. For me I immediatley, like the next day, wished we could TTC that instant. Unfortunately I think because of the D&C I had to wait until my next period because my body still thought it was pg.

I wanted to pose a question to the group about jealousy. I have been struggling with these feelings, ironically not towards those on PS and certainly not towards those who have been struggling, have had losses, and/or trying for a time to TTC, but towards close family members and friends who get KU quickly and seem to take it for granted or something. It''s strange because I love these women, really, and under normal circumstances would not be upset in the least. My feelings are really irrational and not like me at all. I have these pangs of anger and jealousy towards them and their pregnancies. It''s like they don''t know how lucky they are and show no humility about the precariousness of life. Can anyone relate? I really wish this aspect of it would go away, my DH hates it and says it''s unhealthy so I''ve just been keeping my feelings to myself mostly. It''s possible that this is just a weird ugly phase I am going through but thought I would see what the women here have to say. TIA.
YES. I wanted to quote this above, but wasn''t sure how.

I''m sorry, Kit.
 

taovandel

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 22, 2008
Messages
1,434
Siamese: I''m hoping this doesn''t come out in the wrong way.....Everytime I read one of your post I cry. You might be thinking why them and not me---I''m asking why me and not you...While you were having your final moments with your beautiful son, Liam I was in the hospital in labor with my son, Evan. Or stories end in a different way but everytime I see you posting I give my son a huge hug and think "Why me and not her." and I cry. I just don''t understand why some have to be put through something so difficult--and like you said I guess we will all find the answer to this one day. Please know that you and Liam are in my thoughts and prayers quite often.
 

Siamese Kitty

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 3, 2006
Messages
863
Date: 12/31/2009 6:06:32 PM
Author: taovandel
Siamese: I''m hoping this doesn''t come out in the wrong way.....Everytime I read one of your post I cry. You might be thinking why them and not me---I''m asking why me and not you...While you were having your final moments with your beautiful son, Liam I was in the hospital in labor with my son, Evan. Or stories end in a different way but everytime I see you posting I give my son a huge hug and think ''Why me and not her.'' and I cry. I just don''t understand why some have to be put through something so difficult--and like you said I guess we will all find the answer to this one day. Please know that you and Liam are in my thoughts and prayers quite often.
Oh gosh, I''m so sorry if I made you feel bad at all! Congratulations on your precious Evan. I''m really touched by your response and thank you for your prayers and warm thoughts.
 

somethingshiny

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2007
Messages
6,746
SK~ Your loss is so devastating to even read about. I'm so sorry you had such little time with your precious son.

Kit~ Jealousy. Absolutely. It's only normal. I found myself very jealous of my sis's friends who were getting pregnant in high school thinking "why can't I (a married woman trying to have a child) carry a pregnancy, but Miss Susie Q can get pregnant and not even want a baby." I also experienced jealousy within my family. My brother's girlfriend got pregnant and had an abortion during the years that DH and i were TTC. We offered to keep the baby and they both said they couldn't stand "to watch their child being raised by someone else" so they aborted instead. That was probably the worst. I have lots of cousins who seem to only look at their DH's and get pregnant and that was difficult too. I have several family members with 4-6 kids each. I think they're wonderful mothers and they deserve these children, but I'd wonder why do they get so many and I can't have one. Obviously I did better after having a successful pregnancy but the jealousy resurged occasionally.

What really helped me to recover from m/c was to really look at my life. I have been greatly blessed and in order to give God the glory for that, I needed to start living MY life with or without children. I had to decide that I COULD be happy even if I was never a mother. It was hard and took a long time to get there, but definitely worth it emotionally.
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
Messages
7,485
Siamese, that one can be so eloquent and thoughtful when expressing thoughts and feelings about something so senseless and awful amazes me. Your strength amazes me. My best to you.

Kit, on an outing to our local farmer''s market shortly after I miscarriaged an glowingly pregnant woman walked past me and I muttered "bitch" not knowing I said it loud enough for my husband to hear. He was stunned; it was and is so absolutely out of character for me.

And within weeks of our loss I discovered a good friend who is in a less than desirable situation was pregnant (she delivered on 12/20). I visited her and a group of friends shortly after her announcement and it was quite a painful experience for me. Five days before the same woman delivered one of our mutual friends disocvered she was pregnant, and then miscarried two days later. In our conversations regarding what was happening to her she shared that while it was hard for her to understand my feellings during that visit (she was the only one I told about our loss and I leaned on her a lot during our time togtether) that having gone through it herself .

All this to say: your feelnigs are normal, do not spend one second feeling bad or guilty for feeling jealous, or angry, or whatever else it is you may be feeling.
 
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