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Does "everything REALLY happen for a reason?"

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allycat0303

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So I am currently having a really hard year:

FIL passes away
I didn''t get matched to residency
Applied for again for residency and the program I was really praying for told us today that they decided they would interview NO ONE because they would rather leave the spot open (and lose the funding) then take one of us
.

Everyone tells me "Everything happens for a reason" I''m looking back at some of the stuff that''s happened in my life, and I guess I don''t really see a lot of bad things and how they ended up being clouds with silver linning.

Were their times when you said to yourself "This is the worst thing that happened to me" and it really ended up being "The best thing that happened to me?"
 

joflier

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Hi Ally,

I'm sorry your feeling down and out. Honestly, at the place I'm at in my life, I've been wondering the very same thing. Mine is more related to people. Why was this person brought into my life? Was this how things were really supposed to end up?
Personally, I've always believed in the philosphy that everything does happen for a reason. I guess it maybe just takes us a long time to gain the perspective as to the why's and wherefore's and to truely understand. Keep your chin up dear!
 

fieryred33143

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Ally, big, big, big hugs


I don''t believe that things happen for a reason. I do, however, believe that through rain comes sunshine. It may not happen right away, it may take years, but even the most devestating moments of your life can lead you down a greater path of acheivement and self-fulfillment.

I''ll give you an example. The most awful thing that has ever happened to me was losing my father. I cannot for the life of me ever say that it happened for a reason. He didn''t deserve to die, especially for a disease that just 5 years or so after his death became so simple to cure (colon cancer).

However, dealing with that pain led me down a great path. My mom and I were never close. But we grew closer and now she''s my best friend. I worked harder in school because I wanted to make him proud. I don''t take life for granted. Do I still wish he could be here? Absolutely. Would my life not be as wonderful as it is if he were here? No. If anything it probably would be even better, I''m not going to lie. But my sunshine is knowing that I''m ok and that realization didn''t happen weeks after his death. It took years.

I know its easier to say chin up and that things will get better. But its easy to say because its a true statement. Things will get better for you Ally even if none of these things that has happened have a "reason" behind it.
 

AmberGretchen

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Ally,

I think that so much of how things turn out depends on how you react to them. Losing your FIL was devastating, no doubt, and I can imagine how hurtful it must have been to hear that from the residency program. Its understandable that you are in a tough place right now.

I don''t know that I believe that things happen for a reason, but I do believe that we have a lot of control over our own fate and how happy or unhappy we are, more than most people give credit for.

My own personal example would be a bad car accident I got into my senior year in college. I injured my knee badly, and the whole experience was very traumatic (middle car in a three-car accident = scary). I really let it shake me - I got pretty depressed, gained a lot of weight (mostly because of the knee injury), and sort of let myself drift through my senior year of college and into graduate school.

After I got married, about 3 years after the accident, something clicked. I realized that I didn''t want to live my life that way - I was overweight, unhappy in graduate school, and felt like I never made the effort to truly pursue what I loved and what was important to me, at least not in a very meaningful way.

It took a lot of tears and a lot of work, but I lost all the weight (and then an extra few lbs - about 45-50 lbs total), and I did some intensive soul-searching about my future. I found a career path I wanted to pursue, and even though it was incredibly competitive, something that would have previously deterred me, I went for it. Now I''ve got my dream job starting in the Fall, and I''ll be (finally) finishing my PhD in about 2-3 months. Admittedly, I have to move away from an area I grew up in and adore to take the job, but that feels more like an adventure than anything else at this point. In addition, I''ve rediscovered passions for things I''d let go because of fear or laziness, including working with animals at my local shelter.

So I wouldn''t say that the accident was the worst thing that happened to me that turned into the best, but I would say that it really shook up my feelings of being, basically, immortal and blessed (as many young people feel they are). It definitely gave me, in a roundabout way, the impetus for incredible personal growth. Maybe I would have gotten there without the accident; I''ll never know. But I do know that if/when something like that happens to me again, I will not let it defeat me, and I will continue to live the life I love on my own terms.

I know that was sort of long-winded and isn''t really an answer to your question, per se, but I hope it helps at least a little bit. Its a tough place that you are in right now, but I honestly believe that if you put your most hopeful, optimistic and positive energy out there and just try to stay open to the possibilities and try not to be too afraid of change, good things will come your way. And with that positive energy and attitude, you''ll be in the right place to take advantage of them when they do.
 

Haven

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Ally--I''m sorry you''ve had such a rough year.

To answer your question: No, I do not believe that everything happens for a reason. What I do believe is that it is my responsibility to take what happens and make it mean something.

Fiery''s story is a perfect example of this--of course her father was not supposed to pass away. Of course this was a horrible, tragic thing. Yet, she took the experience and transformed it from a tragedy into an opportunity to become closer to her mother. (Fiery--I''m so sorry to hear about your dad.)
 

monarch64

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Hey Alleycat...

I''ve had a tough year (or past couple years) too. Layoffs, going through a divorce, having to move back in with my parents, not working a job I REALLY want to be doing, etc., and feeling like I''m not getting any younger on top of everything.

BUT, I still believe that everything DOES happen for a reason. I''ll give you one example: when I left my marriage (you can read about it on my WW thread if you''re so inclined), I left with no money, no vehicle, no home, etc. I moved back in with my parents, which was the last possible resort for me, in another state. It took me a couple of months last summer to find a job. When I did get a job offer, I turned it down because I thought it wasn''t something I''d stay with very long, mainly because it was so far out of my realm of expertise (and degree.) I borrowed my mother''s car to get there and back for 2 months. One day one of my bosses overheard me say I''d been looking at a certain type of car. Next thing I knew, he was making me an extremely great offer on the same type of car and sold it to me for far less than I would''ve gotten it elsewhere. Not only that, he took time to learn a bit about my situation and co-signed for the auto loan for me, getting me a better interest rate than I ever could''ve gotten on my own. THAT is how everything happens for a reason. Also, I just still thank my "lucky stars" every single day driving to work that I actually have a job. I was unemployed (not due to quitting or being incompetent whatsoever) for 8 months and they were the saddest months of my life, save when my dad was so ill with cancer.

I have little battles every day. Something ALWAYS goes wrong, no matter how much planning and foresight I put into things. But, I believe we''re the creators of our own destinies and choose our attitudes. I choose to remain positive, even though I might have meltdowns along the way. (Today was one of those days.)

Sounds like you need a good old fashioned pep talk. You''ll be fine. You''ve come through a lot, Alley...I maybe don''t post on your threads, but I know what''s going on with you and I can empathize.
 

Porridge

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I''m so sorry Ally, {HUGS}. I don''t know about everything happening for a reason. I''m more of a "you can get a positive out of anything if you try" believer. But it''s so hard to see how sometimes. You really have had a bad year, you poor thing. You just have to focus on the good things, like what can you do now with some spare time? Destress a bit, have fun wedding planning and enjoying friends and FI and the ability to be spontaneous with your time! There''s just no point focusing on the bad things cos it''s over now and that''s that.

FI moved to California in September with his new job. I was supposed to follow in January, because I was finished exams and was about to start clinical rotations. I had been accepted at a hospital, flights booked, all ready to join FI after 4 months of separation. Then...it all fell through, hospital realised they couldn''t insure a foreign student, it was the same for every hospital, and I had to scramble to find a place to take me at home. It SUCKED. FI had to stay there on his own, I had to move home with my parents for the first time in 6 years...we drove each other up the walls!

Anywho, 3 months later, I''ve a fantastic supervisor at a wonderful hospital, I''m really appreciating being around my friends and family after living abroad for three years, I''d TOTALLY forgotten how wonderful Ireland and Irish people are so I''m rediscovering all that again and having a blast, and there''s only 2.5 months left til graduation and then I definitely get to join FI! Oh, and I''ve learned a valuable lesson about planning ahead a little better [:razz:] So things do work out if you focus on the good stuff and realise there''s nothing you can do about the bad stuff, so just forget about it. Dwelling on it will just make you depressed.

And we''re all here to cheer you up when you need it
 

rainwood

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Ally -

I''m so sorry you''re having such a rough year. I think when bad things happen to someone, people want to be comforting and say things they think will help. "Everything happens for a reason" is one of the things they say and for some people it provides comfort. It didn''t for me. As I said in one of your FIL threads, my husband was diagnosed with CLL. We were devastated and when that occurred I kept wondering many of the same things you did. I kept asking myself "Why us?" Then I read something that really resonated for me. The answer to "Why us?" was "Why not you? Why should you be exempt from everything bad that happens?" That made sense to me and that''s when I decided everything doesn''t happen for a reason. It just happens. Life can be arbitrary in both the good and the bad so I should stop searching for a reason, and try to find a way to cope.

That is being put to the test for us again. We just found out today that my husband''s second round of chemo wasn''t very effective and we are looking at a transplant in the next 6 months. And I still feel the same way. We don''t know why this is happening, he certainly doesn''t deserve it, but we''re going to give ourselves some time to feel terrible, and then figure out how best to deal with it. That''s what makes sense for us, and I hope that you''ll be able to find something that resonates with you so you''ll be able to move forward as well.
 

Elmorton

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Ally, first - HUGS. You''ve been through one heck of a year, and while I may not have posted in all your threads, I am in awe of what a survivor you are.

There''s a quote by C.S. Lewis that I love (but will probably butcher a bit here) - When things get bad, they will continue to do so for some time, but at some point, the good gets better and better.

I agree wholeheartedly with Haven - I don''t really believe that all things happen for a reason, and on that same note, I feel like it''s the irony of humanity that when we say "Could it get worse?" it usually does. But I do think that we can grow from any devastation, and that''s the beauty of being an intelligent, alive being.

I can tell you that every time in my life that I''ve thought "This is it. This is the bottom" the result is that the new avenues I''ve had to take have opened other doors. Not easier doors, sometimes not better doors, but who I am is a result of the journeys I''ve taken, and as a result, I wouldn''t change the way things are. I have more than a hunch that you are definitely the type of person who will find new paths and do amazing things as a result.
 

April20

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Ally, I don''t know you, but I am so sorry for the hard year you''re having.

To answer your question, no, I don''t think everything happens for a reason. I think that sometimes things just happen. We''re imperfect, we live in an imperfect world and things are not always within our control as much as we would like them to be.

My personal belief is that when something unexpected happens that alters your life course and you look back and think it''s the best thing that could have happened to you, it''s your attitude towards the situation, how you react and what you make of it that turns it into something positive.

I hope you find that things get easier as time passes and new opportunties and experiences come into your life.
 

icekid

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Date: 3/30/2009 8:07:13 PM
Author: fieryred33143
Ally, big, big, big hugs


I don''t believe that things happen for a reason. I do, however, believe that through rain comes sunshine. It may not happen right away, it may take years, but even the most devestating moments of your life can lead you down a greater path of acheivement and self-fulfillment.
Fiery- I really like this way of looking at it! Bad things happen; things don''t always go as planned. But I think if you look at it as a new opportunity to make things happen and redefine what is important to you, good things will come.

HUGS ally... things will get better!
 

Amandine

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Ally--sorry you are having a bad year. The bit about your residency is really sucks--and how stupid on their part!

I won''t say things happen for a reason...but I am extremely glad a string of things kept me in Michigan. I had been living in Georgia, trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and whether the guy I was dating (now DH) and I were going anywhere. I applied to grad schools, and was accepted at UCLA. I left Georgia, and took a lot of my stuff home to my parents in Michigan. Mom drove across the country with me...but when I got there, I just lost it. I had been battling depression (and not for the first time), and just couldn''t handle everything. For the first time ever, when my Mom and I separated at the airport, I was left sobbing. I had been staying at a friend''s home, and since my stuff hadn''t left MI yet, I took a few days to decide what I was going to do.

In the end, I left LA. I was deeply depressed, worried about money and couldn''t stand living in LA. I did a little more driving around out west, and finally ended back up in MI with my parents. I got counseling, and slowly got back on my feet. A little bit into this, my sister got engaged. I helped her (a lot) with her wedding, and enjoyed the time with my family after having lived so far from them. My sister and I had been friendly, but became much closer during this time. The week of her wedding, she got very sick (she had cystic fibrosis), and even missed her rehearsal dinner. She sat through most of the ceremony, and had an IV in. She spent the next four months in and out of the University of Michigan hospital, some of it in intensive care. We faced the prospect of a breathing tube, and so much more. I was working two part time jobs, and this enabled me to go and be with her and her husband frequently. I spent a lot of nights on a hosptial cot.

She passed away four months after her wedding. While I was not pleased to be living with my parents, working two part time retail jobs, at a loss as to what I wanted to do for a career, and in treatment for depression...I would not trade that time for anything. It was one of the lowest parts of my life, but it is so precious to me because I was there for, and with, my sister.

I believe in prayer. Somewhere along the line, someone told me that God has three answers to our prayers: no, yes, and not yet. For me, not yet is the hardest. You may not understand why you have to wait, but sometimes you do find out. I did. Stay strong, and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
 

Mara

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yes i do believe that. even if the reason is... that it just IS. i think of life as one big patchwork quilt. without one piece, another piece might not fit quite as well. sure bad things happen to us, but so do a lot of good things as well. sometimes i wonder why we expect there to only be good things? do people question when there are so many good things and life is happy? nope it's usually when a lot of what they would consider 'bad' things happen that they wonder 'why me?' or 'how could god do this to me?' etc. in reality i think there is an equality that balances within our lives, even if we don't necessarily realize it at the time.

what if the program you really wanted to get into would have somehow turned into something negative for you later? you have NO idea what the future holds, maybe you not getting into that program was supposed to happen so that something else can come by later. the other thing is that i don't think of it in absolutes like 'it's the BEST thing that happened in the end'...nothing is best or worst in reality. i think of it as... if item A didn't happen, would item D happen? What if since A didn't happen i turned out a different person and therefore B and C never ended up occuring since i was never in that situation, so then naturally D never would occur either? confusing right?

i know it's tough to think that it will all work out in the end or when one door closes another opens, those are SUCH overused and trite cliches BUT i do believe that they are true. at every point in my life when i look back on it and think that something stressful or bad was happening, i can usually think 'well but then THIS happened and it worked out better'. also i sometimes wonder if we need the bad in order to make us really appreciate the good even more. like i was sick for 4 weeks this winter and it was SO depressing to be stuck at home and feel crappy and not like myself day after day after day after day. but let me tell you when i was better, i was like 'wow, life is GREAT i just want to appreciate it and enjoy it'.
 

icekid

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Date: 3/30/2009 10:14:08 PM
Author: Mara

i know it''s tough to think that it will all work out in the end or when one door closes another opens, those are SUCH overused and trite cliches BUT i do believe that they are true. at every point in my life when i look back on it and think that something stressful or bad was happening, i can usually think ''well but then THIS happened and it worked out better''. also i sometimes wonder if we need the bad in order to make us really appreciate the good even more. like i was sick for 4 weeks this winter and it was SO depressing to be stuck at home and feel crappy day after day after day. but let me tell you when i was better, i was like ''life is GREAT i just want to appreciate it and enjoy it''.
Mara- This is a great insight. And sometimes not getting exactly what we want, when we want it makes us go after it harder- and then the reward is even sweeter. I''ve been thinking about you a lot, ally! Good things are coming in your future.
 

MissGotRocks

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When I hit the low spots in life - and everyone has low spots - I try really hard to look around and count my blessings. No matter how awful things can be, you can still look around and be grateful for the things and people you do have in your life. I know it is very hard to maintain a positive focus when things are shattering all around you, but living a life of gratitude is much more fulfilling than living a ''why me'' type of existence. Nothing stays good or bad forever; life is ever changing.

Hang in there - the best is yet to come!
 

waxing lyrical

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I''m sorry it''s been rough for you lately. (((hugs))) In answer to your questions, no, I don''t think things happen for a reason. I think it''s all pretty random and there''s no hidden or Higher meaning to what happens. I try to look for the silver lining when it comes to difficult situations or events. When we lost our son back in November it really shook us. We were faced with unimaginable pain. Our hopes and dreams for him were shattered in an instant. Losing him tore me up inside, and while I felt very raw and numb for a while, I didn''t want to get lost in some shadow world or slip into depression. I knew it wouldn''t do me or my family any good. I had to come to peace with losing him. I''ve learned a lot about myself and my husband in the process. It has shaped who I am and what I''ve become and it made me realize the impermanence of life. I didn''t want or need for there to be a reason or a "Will" behind what happened.
 

jjc

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Hi Ally, I''m so very sorry that you''re going through such a rough time right now. I really can''t say more than what all the other ladies have so eloquently expressed, but I feel very strongly especially about this,
Date: 3/30/2009 10:14:08 PM
Author: Mara
i sometimes wonder if we need the bad in order to make us really appreciate the good even more.
I like to think that knowing that I''ve made it through difficult times (which you definitely have) is the gift in and of itself - because now, whenever life throws me any kind of challenge, in my heart I know I can push through and survive. I feel like knowing this makes life a little less scary, and I count that as one of my blessings. I hope things get better for you, and quickly!
 

Deelight

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Date: 3/30/2009 10:14:08 PM
Author: Mara
yes i do believe that. even if the reason is... that it just IS. i think of life as one big patchwork quilt. without one piece, another piece might not fit quite as well. sure bad things happen to us, but so do a lot of good things as well. sometimes i wonder why we expect there to only be good things? do people question when there are so many good things and life is happy? nope it''s usually when a lot of what they would consider ''bad'' things happen that they wonder ''why me?'' or ''how could god do this to me?'' etc. in reality i think there is an equality that balances within our lives, even if we don''t necessarily realize it at the time.


what if the program you really wanted to get into would have somehow turned into something negative for you later? you have NO idea what the future holds, maybe you not getting into that program was supposed to happen so that something else can come by later. the other thing is that i don''t think of it in absolutes like ''it''s the BEST thing that happened in the end''...nothing is best or worst in reality. i think of it as... if item A didn''t happen, would item D happen? What if since A didn''t happen i turned out a different person and therefore B and C never ended up occuring since i was never in that situation, so then naturally D never would occur either? confusing right?


i know it''s tough to think that it will all work out in the end or when one door closes another opens, those are SUCH overused and trite cliches BUT i do believe that they are true. at every point in my life when i look back on it and think that something stressful or bad was happening, i can usually think ''well but then THIS happened and it worked out better''. also i sometimes wonder if we need the bad in order to make us really appreciate the good even more. like i was sick for 4 weeks this winter and it was SO depressing to be stuck at home and feel crappy and not like myself day after day after day after day. but let me tell you when i was better, i was like ''wow, life is GREAT i just want to appreciate it and enjoy it''.

Ditto, I think it does but we are not always aware of it yet... Mara managed to say what I was thinking in a way I couldn''t.


It has been an immensely tough year for you Ally and sometimes you can''t help but question WTF why is this all happening but I am a big believer that things have a way of making right even if we can''t see the silver lining just yet.
 

Kismet

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This didn''t happen to me but it happened to my dad. My dad grew up in a small town SE of Pittsburgh (think coal mines and steel mills). His parents couldn''t afford to send him to college but the man who owned the pharmacy in town told them "I have no children and I will pay for your son to go to college if he goes into pharmacy and comes back to work for me and eventually take over the business." So off my dad went to Pitt to major in pharmacy. The first year there he fails chemistry and gets booted from the program. He said that having to tell that man that he failed was the hardest thing he''s ever had to do and I''m sure his parents weren''t happy with him either and let him know about it quite often. After failing out of college he goes into the Army and his fiancee at the time ditches him. When he gets out of the Army he goes to a technical college and eventually gets a job with IBM. In the mean time he starts dating, and eventually marries, the woman who would be my mother.

So I like to think that his failing out of college (and getting dumped) happened for a reason and was for the best, but I''m sure at the time he didn''t think so.

His dying from cancer at 61 right after he retired wasn''t for the best, it just was. Or if it was for the best (which I seriously doubt), it''s in some way that I can''t fathom at this time.
 

allycat0303

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I am so scared. I cried so much today for my FIL, for feeling like I don''t have a future, and for being so scared to wake up tomorrow and having to go on. I guess we all say "everything happens for a reason" because we need to believe there is a sense to what is happening to us. Mostly what I am hearing from you gals is that "Well horrible things happen and you survive...sort of."

I read all of the stories, and what touched me the most is that so many of you have lost someone they loved. I don''t know how you get over it. I don''t even know how to continue functioning with the knowledge that this happened. Sometimes, I feel like we will never know what happiness is again. Both of us look at our wedding with dread. That this will be the most painful, sad day of our lives, for all of the reasons that I''ve stated above. I think we overestimated our strength to get through his passing. We believed we would be *reasonable* after 1 month, but we are sadder now then we were right when it happened.

I was actually surprised to wake up this morning, last night was so awful. I think it might warrent *rock bottom* status. Of course I say that but if nothing comes through for residency, I might be able to go lower. I''m going to take it one hour at the time, and see what happens. Even speculating on what will happen tonight scares me, because I imagine it being 5:00 pm, not having invitation invites for other programs and the anxiety MAXING out. So I''m not going to wonder how I''ll feel then. My heart starts to beat fast just thinking about that, so I''m going to take it one hour at the time.

Mara: All of these books talk about absolutes, which is why I''m looking for one I guess. I always assume it should be totally clear cut. I mean I do see how this could be "this might be the best thing" People say it''s a dying field, there are Cardiac Surgeons without jobs etc. So maybe I would have done 8 years of schooling and then been unemployed. Or I would have found a job but only in a place really far from home where I wasn''t willing to go. I think it''s the feeling right now that I don''t have any options with my career, but I need to keep a strong attitude about all this. I will definitely appreciate it more when I get matched to something (at this point anything would be a relief..)

joflier: The people in your life can also seem to have no meaning. I know your going through a rough time as well. Hugs!

Fiery: I''m sorry about your father. I''m glad for you and your mother though. I guess we like to think your Dad would be happy to know his passing brought you closer together.


Rainwood: I''m so sorry to hear about your husband. Cancer is a horrible, disgusting disease. I know that there is nothing to offer you, but some prayers. I hope he is able to get through this. I agree that we want to be exempt from the bad things in life, I guess we all feel if we are good people, some of these things could happen to the bad people.


Elmorton: You''re right when we say that it can''t get worst, and then it does. Bad things come in succession

I hope I can find new doors, but right now I feel weak, and defeated. Hopefully temprary.


Porridge: How awful. And totally stressful. Thank heavens you graduate in a few months and can get back to your sweetie.


Amber: 50 pounds is insane. And you are brave for leaving everything behind for your dream job. I have to catch up on what your new job is....I think I remember some threads about Texas (dallas...?)


monarch64: I didn''t know you had left your marriage. And what a path you have had the past few years. It definitely sounds as though you had one of those "it happened for a reason" amazing. And I''m happy that it flowed your way.


April, Haven: You gals are right. That''s what the books said "focus on the positive, on your goals." I know I have to change my attitude. Today I am not coping at all. I am practically frantic with fear and sadness

Amandine: That is a beautiful experience you had with your sister. I know it was a hard time for you, but it happened exactly as it should.

Icekid: What a painful process don''t you think?

Kismet: With your name I would have guessed you were a believer in destiny, fate etc.


waxing lyrical: Nothing that happens can compare to what is happening to you. I''m so sorry to hear about your child.
JJC, Deelight: Thanks for the encouragement.

 

geckodani

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((HUGS)) Alley. I''m so sorry that you''ve been having such a rough year.

As for the question of does everything happen for a reason? My answer to that is NO. I hate that statement.

But - I think you can make a reason out of everything that happens.

Like, I don''t think that my father died when I was 12 so that I could become a stronger person. But - I became that stronger person, and who I am today in large part because of the fact that he died. Does that make any sort of bizarre sense?
 

Amandine

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Messages
794
Ally, have you and your FI looked into a grief group? My grandparents were absolutely devastated (not that we all weren''t, but we had to put my grandfather on anti-depressants). Their church offers a grief group, and they started going. Its called Healing Hands, and it has been wonderful for them. My sister will have passed away 5 years ago this April, and they still go regularly, it has become more then a grief group but a group of wonderful people who are supportive of each other. I know these exist outside of churches, too, but it may be how to help you and your FI to find a way. Grief is an amazingly powerful thing, and we all deal with it differently. Thinking of you...
 

Deelight

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 4, 2007
Messages
5,543
Ally I lost my mum at 13 and I am 29 now and I am still not over it and likely will never be BUT I manage to work through it, function and get on with things that need to be done because I have to - it did take me a long long time to get there. Wedding planning is really hard when you miss someone who should be here, I burst into tears at least twice a week because she won''t be there and it is hard, unfair and all those other things but I know that in my heart she will be there with me just like your FIL will be with you both in your hearts on your day together.

Just try and take one day at a time - grief is a process and it takes time to heal. Please don''t be hard on yourself you have had a really rough patch that many people would not be able to handle as well as you have - and you have handled it and come through the other end and still marching on.

Happiness is just around the corner waiting for you even though right now it doesn''t seem to be.
 

Porridge

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
3,269
Big {HUGS} Ally. I think a grief counselor is a great idea. You guys really had it rough.

As for the residency and not having a future, well that''s just not true. IIRC you were amongst the top of your class? Just because you didn''t settle for something you didn''t want doesn''t mean you have no future! Imagine what an awful waste of time it is for those who got stuck with something they hate. You''ll learn from this, it''s good to have time to get your head straight and you''ll be in a better position for the next round of applications.

I''m confident that you''ll get through that part fine, I''m sure it''s an exceptionally pressurised time at the moment, exams and everyone stressing about where to go and what to do. Just take a deep breath and step back from it and assess what''s best for you and what you want.

Also I''m sure your FIL would be miserable to think that his passing would be the focus of your wedding. Maybe it might turn out to be just the thing to cheer you all up and help you move on. Dedicate some part of the day to his remembrance, but in a positive way. Tell nice stories about how he was, show funny pictures etc.

I''m so sorry you feel so bad at the moment, I''d jump out of the screen and hug ya if I could!
 

canuk-gal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 19, 2004
Messages
21,033
HI:

I tend to look at things not so much from a fate, but rather from a free will perspecitive--e.g my actions have resulted in this and that.......and it helps me to keep things in perspective in asking "how/what" rather than "why" questions.

Ally, since your plans for residency didn't turn out like you hoped for this year, cannot you use this time to work/volunteer in a related fiield that will add value when you reapply next year? Increase your experience and improve your strength and self esteem?

cheers--Sharon
 

Mara

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 30, 2002
Messages
31,003
Ally, I have been lucky enough in life to not lose anyone important to me yet, though I know at some point that will change. So I can't say that I understand what you guys are going through. It sounds as though it's extremely hard...but I just wanted to say to hang in there and that things WILL get better.

You guys are not the first to go through something like this. I agree re: grief groups or similar, it might help you guys to share with others and also see how others are handling and maybe take some tools away from that. I don't know that a month later you should be more or less sad...it just IS what it IS...you are feeling what you guys are feeling and you should RESPECT that but also do think ahead to the future. I would not view your wedding with dread. Why not make it a celebration of the love you had for your FIL? Do not turn it into a negative event because of the recent things that have transpired.

I am always the kind of person who tries to see the glass half full and/or the positive aspect of something. In life sometimes you're given the lemons. You might be thinking well what is positive about this horrible loss...and right now, the answer is probably nothing. But you make the best of what you are given and you can be proud of that in the future that you did come through this (and you have come through other things in the past too). I think you are stronger than you know and I think you do know it inside as well.

re: your residency, is there anything else you can do in the meantime, even just to keep going and keep your spirits up? Or... I know you have been on this track for a while, but is there any other sort of specialty you can focus on or change track slightly if you are not sure what this might be in 8 years? aka Plan B...maybe for now?

You DO have a future, you and your man have a wonderful future ahead, even if maybe it is not the same future as it was a month ago. You are both incredibly lucky to have each other and that will help you get through this. Stay strong.
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
Ally,

I honestly believe that everything does happen for a reason. Sometimes the reasoning doesn''t present itself right away...and it may even come to you years later...but there is something behind everything.

I am sorry your year has been hard...

Hugs.
 

Allison D.

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 1, 2008
Messages
2,282
I''m not as firm on the concept of "everthing happens for a reason"; I''m more a believer in the concept of "everything happens the way it''s supposed to." I didn''t always think so, but as I''ve aged and seen how life events have shaped my path and the person that I am, I''ve come to believe it''s true.

I think hardships help us fully realize how strong we really are, and testing that strength helps us know how truly capable we are. I think hardships help us keep things in perspective and remain grounded.....to keep in mind what is really important in life and what is just window-dressing. Hardships help us appreciate much more fully the happy moments in our lives, too.

Things happen as they are supposed to, even though they don''t often make sense to us when we are in the moment. With hindsight and time passing, it''s easier to see how events shape our growth and influence our paths. Those experiences, happy and sad, guide us to be the people we are.

I know that such a broad-view outlook doesn''t really provide much comfort during the moments when you''re struggling and facing disappointments, but I hope it conveys that it will get better.


 

strmrdr

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 1, 2003
Messages
23,295
Ally *hugs*
You have had so much going on that the grief process has been delayed and now you in a sort of temporary limbo it has had time to hit you.
Take the time to cry to remember and be sad but also think of the future that your FIL would want for you and his son.
His passing will always be a sad event but it will not always be a devastating one.
Things will get better and you will find the right place for you.
You have a great guy standing by your side who loves you very much.
Hold on to that.
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
My view?

Sh*t happens.

But you always feel better after the sh*t''s done.
 
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