do you want your kids to throw an expensive wedding?

[Tacori E-ring]

I hope DH and I am in the position to throw our daughter a wedding when the time comes. No idea how much we would be comfortable with (won''t know until it happens) but I would never go broke to finance her dream wedding. I know a girl who''s parents mortgaged their home for her. Ummm...no! Also, like my parents said she only gets one. *If* there is another wedding, she''s on her own. I will probably also give her the money upfront and if she is smart she will spend less so she can keep the difference.

 

[partgypsy]

I have 2 daughters and darn, forgot about the whole wedding deal the bride''s family has to pay, why did I want daughters again? I vote for small wedding. I like what others have proposed, give them a set amount of money and they can keep it or use it for a wedding. I wish my parents had offered that (my husband and I eloped).

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 2/25/2009 12:59:34 PM
Author: elle_chris

Date: 2/25/2009 12:53:04 PM
Author: MC



Nice! That is awesome!!! lol DH and I eloped in Vegas, too, but we didn't get $50K

Which hotel did you stay out for your honeymoon? We stayed at the Luxor (it was brand new at that time! now it already looks outdated - ahhh, that makes me feel old!)

I'm an only child MC so was a little spoiled growing up. That gift was the last thing they've given me..lol

We stayed at the Bellagio and go back every year for our anni. I like the Luxor alot. Whenever we're in Vegas we always have the breakfast buffet there for some reason. It's become a tradition.

You're lucky! I'm an only child, as well, but my mom didn't approve of my DH and refused even to go dress shopping with me. My friend and I went to Betsy Johnson and I bought a cool black dress with roses on it and wore it down in Vegas in the June heat and nearly died!

Years later, my mom sent me her eng. diamond. . .I already had one, so I set it into a necklace and never wear it! lol (I ended up getting a WF one instead

)

 

[NovemberBride]

Date: 2/25/2009 12:51:04 PM
Author: MC

Date: 2/25/2009 10:10:56 AM
Author: neatfreak
I want my kids to do whatever will make them happy. But we won''t be footing the bill for a big insane wedding that is for sure!

2nd to what NF said. My boys can do whatever they want, but my husband and I won''t shell out tens of thousands, per kid, for a one-day event.

I''d love to pay for both kids'' honeymoons, though, but only if they pick a reasonable destination/budget.

Oh, and I agree with a lot of what Holly said. When a wedding includes 200+ people, many of the people are people the bride and/or groom have never met. A friend of a friend. A aquaintaince (not even a real friend) of the future MIL.

This last part is just not true. There were 250+ people at my wedding and there was not a single person DH and I did not know well, let alone had not met. By the time we married, DH and I had each amassed friends from high school, college and graduate school (we did not go to any of these schools together). We also both come from large, close-knit families. We invited no family beyond first cousins, all of whom we see several times a year. Our parent''s did not invite any friends of theirs who had not known DH, me or both of us for a number of years. No acquiantances, no friends of friends.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 2/25/2009 2:27:43 PM
Author: Kelli
I am not a parent, but as an engaged woman myself, I''m having SO much trouble with this. I have put off making wedding plans for almost a year now because I''m REALLY REALLY struggling with the question of who to invite. FI and I just bought a house, and although we won''t be going into debt over a wedding or anything, I just can''t see spending so much on one day. Food and drinks are EXPENSIVE and there are a lot of people I''d like to have there. And I''m struggling with where to draw the line on that.

It would have been so much easier to elope, but my mother would be heart-broken.

a POT LUCK wedding !!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 2/25/2009 2:46:40 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 2/25/2009 2:27:43 PM
Author: Kelli
I am not a parent, but as an engaged woman myself, I'm having SO much trouble with this. I have put off making wedding plans for almost a year now because I'm REALLY REALLY struggling with the question of who to invite. FI and I just bought a house, and although we won't be going into debt over a wedding or anything, I just can't see spending so much on one day. Food and drinks are EXPENSIVE and there are a lot of people I'd like to have there. And I'm struggling with where to draw the line on that.

It would have been so much easier to elope, but my mother would be heart-broken.

a POT LUCK wedding !!

One of my relatives isn't having alcohol at her wedding because she wants to keep costs down. DH and I are wondering how we'll survive without anything to drink! lol We may bring a cooler of beer to share with family

 

[NovemberBride]

To answer the question, I want my future children to do whatever makes them happy. My parents very generously paid for my wedding, and I hope to be in a position to do the same for my children one day. If I am not in a position to cover the whole cost of their wedding, I will contribute whatever my means allow for them to use for the wedding of their dreams (not the wedding of my dreams - I''ve already had it).

 

[brooklyngirl]

I would definitely encourage a small, intimate wedding, not because of the money, but because I don''t think all the stress is worth one day.

I am russian, and in my culture guests generally bring cash (to cover their plate), the parents give cash as a gift, so our 50k wedding was more or less paid for. However, the exprience of planning it was the most horrible. All the fighting, hurt feelings, and grudges between me, my mom, MIL, sister, and DH, is just not worth it. When there is a large wedding everyone has some sort of stake in it, and I think it does a lot to ruin relationships. I guess it wouldln''t be so bad, if I feel bad after the wedding. I feel like it was a bit of a waste.

Looking back, we would have been much better off with a small destination wedding with just our closest family and friends.

 

[Haven]

Here''s another "encourage them to do what makes them happy" response.

However, I totally agree with Holly''s response. I know, big surprise, right.

We had about 150 people at our wedding, and many of them were not friends or close relatives of ours, they were people we *had* to invite to appease our parents. And frankly, it was a bit strange to know that they were witnessing a very private moment.

And as for the trends, it is so clear that the industry inflates prices and perpetuates trends in order to encourage people to spend more money. Now, there''s nothing wrong with having oen of those candy jar sweet tables with little baggy setups if it is something that you absolutely love, but to have one just because that''s what everyone is doing, tsk tsk. I''m all for making choices based on personal preference rather than a desire to do what is expected.

As for trying to impress your guests, I''ve seen a lot of that in the weddings we''ve been to. Frankly, the wedding receptions that were designed with the couple and their desire to share a celebratory moment with their nearest and dearest in mind have left much larger impressions on me than those that were designed to "shock and awe."

Now, these are all abstract things, and they evidence themselves in different concrete terms for different couples. My own wedding cost nearly 40K, so I''m certainly not one to talk about having a low-budget wedding, but for us, we struck a pretty good balance between keeping it intimate and celebratory, and inviting the people our parents felt had to be there.

 

[icekid]

Date: 2/25/2009 12:38:15 PM
Author: CrookedRock
I would want my kids to do what makes them happy. Their wedding should be all about them. That being said... When my step sis got married my parents gave her a pretty nice budget. (I''m not sure exactly but somewhere around 30k). In hind sight my parents have said if they had to do it all over again they would have just written her a check for 30k and let her go from there. They think she would have done things differently if the money was hers to keep if it wasn''t spent. I''m a big fan of that idea. People spend more when it isn''t theirs...

That makes a lot of sense, I think. Suddenly when it''s YOUR money, it''s a ton harder to go insane with it! I hope to be able to help my kids out with nice weddings one day, if that is what they want. How nice will be determined at some much later date

 

[bee*]

I would want them to do whatever makes them happy but I wouldn''t expect to have to pay for it all. D and I are paying for a lot of our wedding so I''d expect the same thing.

 

[AprilBaby]

My son is getting married Aug 1 and is having a big wedding. I think it is a waste of money. Too many little extravagant things. He is ready to just go to a beach in Michigan and have just family but father of the bride wants the big wedding to invite "clients". Ok with me except they want us to share the costs!

 

[elle_chris]

Date: 2/25/2009 4:51:12 PM
Author: icekid

Date: 2/25/2009 12:38:15 PM
Author: CrookedRock
I would want my kids to do what makes them happy. Their wedding should be all about them. That being said... When my step sis got married my parents gave her a pretty nice budget. (I''m not sure exactly but somewhere around 30k). In hind sight my parents have said if they had to do it all over again they would have just written her a check for 30k and let her go from there. They think she would have done things differently if the money was hers to keep if it wasn''t spent. I''m a big fan of that idea. People spend more when it isn''t theirs...

That makes a lot of sense, I think. Suddenly when it''s YOUR money, it''s a ton harder to go insane with it! I hope to be able to help my kids out with nice weddings one day, if that is what they want. How nice will be determined at some much later date

That''s one of the reasons I kept the money (aside from a problem getting both sides of the family together) and went to Vegas.

 

[Elmorton]

When I have kids someday, I want them to be married in the way that feels right to them, but also I hope that they''re respectful of their families when making the decision what type of wedding to have.

The absolute hardest thing that my DH and I had to do in our wedding was to figure out how to make ourselves happy while respecting our parents (their religious backgrounds, budgets, personalities, etc). Because to us, the wedding is about not only the couple coming together, but the families accepting a new member/merging. I am SO happy that our wedding was low-key, but elegant and tasteful at the same time. I know our parents were really proud to be "hosts" of the event.

So I guess my answer is that no, I don''t really want my future child to have a big lavish wedding because my DH and I will never be the black-tie kind of folks, but I also wouldn''t want my child do have an out-there culture clashing type of wedding even if it cost nothing (dressing up like Daisy Duke with a veil or something - I would not be happy) - and I hope that my child would have enough respect for my family (and the family and he or she marries into) to consider the boundaries/values/etiquette that their collective parents raised them with.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 2/25/2009 8:35:57 AM
Author: HollyS
My wish is not to offend anyone who had a more expensive ''I do'' than myself, but no, I don''t believe in huge, expensive weddings with all the ''trends''.

1) No one has 200+ close friends.

So don''t invite to show off, or to repay a social debt. You should want your nearest and dearest -- not everyone you might have known for a minute.

2) Wedding planners and vendors have started and perpetuated the ''trends'' to get you to spend ridiculous sums of money.

Just say no.

3) A wedding is about the commitment, and the sacrifice, and sacrament of the vows - whether you are religious or not -- the party should be secondary. It isn''t about how much you can impress or awe your guests. If your guests feel they are part of something special and intimate, they will be much happier than if you threw them in a big room with a lot of noise, some so-so food, and never said more than two words to them.

No surprise, but I would have to agree with Holly. Our daughter seems to be headed in the direction of getting married, and we''ll certainly have a lovely and special wedding for her! But it will be with closest family and friends, and our aim will never be to impress anyone. We''ll just want it to be a day they can remember forever! (And they have no extra money, so it''ll be what we decide to budget.)

 

[Gypsy]

Well it depends on their age and circumstances.

If they are paying for it themselves they can do what they want.

If I am paying for the whole thing or contributing, I'd probably have a talk with them to see what they have in mind, look at my finances and then cut them a check to do what they want with it (whether it be elope and buy a home, or throw a big party).

Whether I paid for the whole thing or contributed, or showed up as a guest would depend on my children's personalities, their circumstances and my own circumstances. And possibly on my relationship with them.

I do think that the couple should be happy on what's decided, as well.

Your question could be read two ways though... if you are asking if I would somehow influence, force, bribe, or dictate to them that they need a larger wedding than they want. No. I had that done to me, and while it turned out well in the end, I remember too strongly how it felt. If my children wanted a small intimate wedding regardless of my obligations to friends or family, I would support their decision.

 

[iheartscience]

I don''t want my (future maybe) kids to have an expensive wedding, per se, but weddings are usually expensive, period. It''s important for me to celebrate big milestones like a wedding with family and friends, so I personally couldn''t imagine eloping. I would gladly offer my kids money for them to have a nice wedding.

I have a big family (just MY siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins are 60+ people) and by the time I add in my fiance''s family and my close friends I''m around 130. It could easily climb but I''ve tried to be good about saying no to people I''m not currently close with. (No high school friends are on the list because of that rule.) And yeah, I want all of them there because I am close to them, and no, I''m not trying to impress anyone. So when all is said and done my wedding isn''t going to be cheap, but it''s certainly not lavish, either.

 

[platinumrock]

If it''s their money, it''s their business what they want to do with it.

If it''s my money, that''s a different story.