Do you love yourself more?

[pyramid]

When I was young and learning relationships someone once said to me that they "loved themself more". In girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife relationships is this how it should be?

 

[sonnyjane]

I'm not quite sure what you mean? I've heard this phrase in the context of a spouse that's been cheated on or abused and says "I love myself more" when explaining why they left the other person.

I've also commonly seen people say that they "love themselves more" over time (learn to appreciate themselves, learn what they deserve, and know that they deserve respect).

Do you mean do I love myself more than I love my husband?

Not sure of the context.

 

[kenny]

The problem with the word love is it has so many different interpretations.

That makes a question like, "Do you love yourself more?" problematic.

The question means many things to many different people.

 

[Laila619]

I think the woman should love herself more, but the man should love his wife more. I know, it's a double standard or biased or whatever. But that is how it works best IMO.

 

[pregcurious]

I don't think there is a "should" from the way I view relationships. Every relationship is unique, and everyone wants different things.

I think marriages do best when people find someone who has the same understanding of marriage.

 

[arkieb1]

I clicked on I don't know because it's an open ended question, do I love myself more? More than what? More than my kids? No I would do anything for my kids!!! More than my pets, my husband, I am not sure it is that simple.....

Do I love myself more, in ALL complex relationships with husbands, partners, and our families sometimes we ALL need to love ourselves more. I am my own worst critic and my own best advocate, we all need time out and "me time" and finding a good balance between these things is the key to both harmony and happiness. Maybe the question should be WHEN is it appropriate to love yourself more.....

 

[missy]

I don't think there is a "should" from the way I view relationships. Every relationship is unique, and everyone wants different things.

I think marriages do best when people find someone who has the same understanding of marriage.

In our marriage each one of us puts the other first. That works for us and we had worked on this concept all through our relationship and 15 years in we would both agree our relationship is a good one. I love my dh more than anyone else and if the world were to end as we know it and I could only choose one person to spend the rest of time with it would be my dh.

Laila, I get what you mean though and I agree. It works best (IMO also) when the man loves the woman more and the woman loves herself at least as much as the man. I know I love and respect myself enough that I know when I should put my needs ahead of my dh but I also know when to put my dh needs above mine. I've explained this before on PS -the way our relationship works. Each issue in our relationship is judged separately and to whomever it is more important is the one whose needs are put first, if that makes any sense. I sort of mangled the grammar here but I am sleepy and in a rush-we are about to go on what might be our last long distance bike ride of the year and my dh is waiting for me...but I think you get the gist.

No right or wrong. It's what is best for each couple. Pure and simple. But it is important to love yourself enough to know you deserve to receive all the love and respect and consideration that you give your SO. Period. No one deserves less.

 

[momhappy]

I think the woman should love herself more, but the man should love his wife more. I know, it's a double standard or biased or whatever. But that is how it works best IMO.

I completely disagree. That may work best for you, but it's certainly not how I would define a successful relationship.

 

[lyra]

I don't understand the question. I don't put myself before anyone in my family. Heck, I think I love my dogs more than myself.

In the simplest terms, every relationship is a balance. You love someone, you put their needs above your own sometimes. Not every time. It's all a compromise.

 

[Circe]

Without having read previous responses, just as a drive by before the kiddo's bedtime ... I love my husband (and, for that matter, son and friends) more than I love myself when it comes to things I can sacrifice for them, when I know it's mutual. I think that's the only way it works.

On the other hand, I love myself too much, after years of being around people who were deeply committed to being dysfunctional, to put up with any nonsense. If and when (one hopes, never again, with the wonderful lot I've painstakingly out together) the twain should meet, I'll reevaluate.

 

[isaku5]

The question is too vague for me too. Do I love myself more than ?

 

[Circe]

And now, having read through and thought ....

Laila, I think that's really interesting, in the context of patriarchy. It winds up being egalitarian, in a weird way - it makes the woman confident in a way society won't train *her* to be, and it makes the man capable of subjugating himself to a greater good in a way society doesn't train *him* to be.

And, Missy - actually, I think you said that well, and helped me crystallize something about my own relationship. So, thank you for that!

 

[iLander]

I know my happiness is more important to my DH than his own happiness is to him.

And his happiness is more important to me than my own happiness.

I'm currently trying to get him to trade in my fancy car so he can get himself an even fancier car. If that makes him happy, I'd love for him to do it. He is the one that talked me into buying my fancy car, to the detriment of his own fancy car upgrade, and wants me to keep it. We are on month three of this "argument".

Is that what you mean by "love yourself?"

Throw in some mutual respect, add a lot of communication, and you've got a relationship.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I like the way Missy and iLander talked about how spouses will care for the needs of the other. By nature, we are all self-centered beings. So it takes love and a deliberate choice to put the needs and desires of others first. I think my husband gives more to me than I do to him. He is very unselfish. But I would never want to be remembered as a person who loved myself most of all. I hope I will be remembered as a wife and mother who loved my family the most.

 

[Mayk]

The day my DD was born I loved myself much less!

 

[Laila619]

And now, having read through and thought ....

Laila, I think that's really interesting, in the context of patriarchy. It winds up being egalitarian, in a weird way - it makes the woman confident in a way society won't train *her* to be, and it makes the man capable of subjugating himself to a greater good in a way society doesn't train *him* to be.

And, Missy - actually, I think you said that well, and helped me crystallize something about my own relationship. So, thank you for that!

Yes, you phrased this well. Women are naturally more selfless than men IMO. A lot of women will give and give and give of themselves to some guy who isn't even worthy or committed. When a man puts his wife and child(ren) ahead of himself, he is a real man IMO.

 

[manderz]

The day my DD was born I loved myself much less!

I don't have kids, so please don't flame me, but this makes me a bit sad, that you love yourself less now. Not saying that you shouldn't have an incredible love for and relationship with your DD, but I'm a bit sad if it came at the expense of your love for you. I may also be misinterpreting your post, also (not being a parent and all).

 

[momhappy]

The day my DD was born I loved myself much less!

I don't have kids, so please don't flame me, but this makes me a bit sad, that you love yourself less now. Not saying that you shouldn't have an incredible love for and relationship with your DD, but I'm a bit sad if it came at the expense of your love for you. I may also be misinterpreting your post, also (not being a parent and all).

It's not sad at all, actually, and really only something that a parent could understand. After having children myself, I came to understand a love that is unlike any other. In certain ways, (as a parent) you do love yourself less in terms of making sacrifices.

 

[monarch64]

The day my DD was born I loved myself much less!

I don't have kids, so please don't flame me, but this makes me a bit sad, that you love yourself less now. Not saying that you shouldn't have an incredible love for and relationship with your DD, but I'm a bit sad if it came at the expense of your love for you. I may also be misinterpreting your post, also (not being a parent and all).

Most certainly a misinterpretation. I can definitely relate to MayK's sentiment. Much like when you meet the person you fall in love with and want to spend the rest of your life with, there is a giant shift away from the typical sense of self to the sense that the other being's happiness and wellness is so much more important than your own. Not in an "I suck now" way, but in a much less selfish way. That's all. It's actually very fulfilling. It's not a subtraction, it's a shift.

 

[manderz]

Thanks for clarifying, Monarch and Momhappy. Again, not having kids myself, it's clearly not something I'll be able to understand at this point.

I do get the shift part, as I am very happily married, but in my personal relationship, he (through his support, love, and respect) allows me to love myself more. I am certainly more fulfilled, and it makes me feel good to take care of his needs.

 

[iluvshinythings]

Hmmm.

I don't think there's a limit to my capacity to love. It's not like I only have a certain amount so I have to ration it out. I can love myself and love my partner and my child and my dog... I rarely find that I have to love myself less in order to love someone else more. There are priorities in life so sometimes someone elses' needs or desires have priority over my own but that doesn't mean I love myself any more or less.

I think relationships get into trouble when one person's needs dominate the entire relationship. I've been in a marriage like that and it was an endless pit of sacrifice on my part. The thing I love about my FI is that we reciprocate. Sometimes he does more and sometimes I do more. We don't keep score but I have faith that neither one of us is as important as the two of us together.

 

[Circe]

Something my husband's grad adviser - happily married for 60 years - used to say seems applicable to this thread: he said that each partner had to FEEL like they were doing 70% of the work in the marriage if they had any hope of achieving a 50/50 split. I'm only 7 years in, but that actually feels just about right ....

 

[partgypsy]

I don't know how to answer that question, I've never phrased anything in my mind about loving myself more. But I think both people in a relationship should have a healthy level of self esteem, and be adult enough to take care of themselves, whether it is emotionally, physically, even sexually etc, in order to participate in a good relationship. If someone puts someone else before them, always, it is not good for either person in the relationship.

So I do agree with the statement, take care of yourself first, before you take care of others.

I think in my husband and I's relationship, we probably both put our kids needs first, then ourselves, then the other. Yep, not very romantic. I am hoping that things shift when the kids get older.

 

[lyra]

The day my DD was born I loved myself much less!

I don't have kids, so please don't flame me, but this makes me a bit sad, that you love yourself less now. Not saying that you shouldn't have an incredible love for and relationship with your DD, but I'm a bit sad if it came at the expense of your love for you. I may also be misinterpreting your post, also (not being a parent and all).

Not flaming you at all. I can relate to what Mayk said. My kids are adults, and I still feel just as fiercely for them as when they were born. I'd do anything for them. I'd die for them. It never stops, that kind of love. You become a different person really, and you indulge your own needs last. At least I do, and we have a very close family.

 

[kenny]

Unlike time, I don't think we each have a fixed amount of love to split up and distribute to others and ourselves.

IOW, loving another does not mean fewer love molecules are left over for ourselves.

 

[wakingdreams53]

Quite timely, I just read this article: http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/
It's a sentiment that FI has said before and has made sense to me. It's not about you, it's about your partner. When both people are "loving" the other person more than themselves, both parties are being taken care of. Not sure how that grows/changes when you add kids to the picture, but it obviously takes a lot of work and releasing of one's ego.

 

[aviastar]

Hmmm.

I don't think there's a limit to my capacity to love. It's not like I only have a certain amount so I have to ration it out. I can love myself and love my partner and my child and my dog... I rarely find that I have to love myself less in order to love someone else more. There are priorities in life so sometimes someone elses' needs or desires have priority over my own but that doesn't mean I love myself any more or less.

I think relationships get into trouble when one person's needs dominate the entire relationship. I've been in a marriage like that and it was an endless pit of sacrifice on my part. The thing I love about my FI is that we reciprocate. Sometimes he does more and sometimes I do more. We don't keep score but I have faith that neither one of us is as important as the two of us together.

Love this!

 

[LLJsmom]

And now, having read through and thought ....

Laila, I think that's really interesting, in the context of patriarchy. It winds up being egalitarian, in a weird way - it makes the woman confident in a way society won't train *her* to be, and it makes the man capable of subjugating himself to a greater good in a way society doesn't train *him* to be.

And, Missy - actually, I think you said that well, and helped me crystallize something about my own relationship. So, thank you for that!

Yes, you phrased this well. Women are naturally more selfless than men IMO. A lot of women will give and give and give of themselves to some guy who isn't even worthy or committed. When a man puts his wife and child(ren) ahead of himself, he is a real man IMO.

Laila, I'm with you 100%. I like Missy's explanation too. This works well in my relationship with my DH, dated 10 years, and married 16 now, for a total of 26. I'm 42 so we've got a lot more years ahead, God willing. Also, I have a daughter. I have no hesitation teaching her the same thing, and for sure neither does her Dad!!