Do you like being a mom?

[princesss]

BF and I had a big talk about kids last night. It turns out that he''s realized that he wants kids, which wasn''t completely unexpected, but still a bit of a shock.

I am on the fence. If I have kids, I figure I''ll be ready in about 10 years (early 30s). Maybe before that, who knows. But over the past few years I''ve realized I would be very happy not having kids. I like kids, they''re fun, but I also like giving them back.

But he wants them. And I''m on the fence. And (like the researcher I am) I''d love to hear opinions about what it''s like to be a mom. It is something I wanted for a long time, but after some rather discouraging news a few years ago (that, in all likelihood, I can''t have them) I ended up hopping on the no-babies train. Kids are something I can possibly see myself wanting, but I don''t really know any mothers to hear either way what it''s actually like, and whether it''s worth it.

I feel very strongly that parents should WANT to be parents, and that nobody should feel forced into (or out of) parenthood because of somebody else''s desires. I''ve got a while to figure this out, but I don''t want to keep BF from finding somebody who shares his goals if I find out I really, truly don''t want them.

So would all of you moms out there be willing to give me your opinions? Good, bad, anything. I just need to hear from moms what it''s like. (I plan on checking out the PS Mommies thread and everything, but wanted to gather opinions here, too.)

(Sorry, I know this is pretty convoluted.)

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I''ve always wanted to be a mom so I am probably NOT the best person to respond. It''s hard work. I am no longer the boss of my own life. Instead I have this little girl who relies 100% on me and is quite demanding! She let''s me know when I can sleep, when I can shower, even when I can eat. But the benefits are better than any job I have ever had. When I feel bored or tired all I do is look at her. She just smiles and NOTHING else matters. I am also lucky to have a DH that makes sure I can have "me time." That''s is very important for any parent. Having my daughter is the best thing I have ever done with my life. She makes me so proud.

 

[funtobewith]

I am one of those strange women who never liked kids (NEVER babysat growing up) and didn''t think I ever wanted kids. Well, I got pregnant unexpectedly and let me just tell you that all goes right out the window when it is YOUR kid. I still am not thrilled with other people''s kids - I am by no means the "cool mom" on the block, but I do tolerate other people''s kids better than I ever have before. While I was pretty sure I never wanted to be a mother, there is NOTHING I would change about having my son now.

 

[princesss]

Tacori, there was just something about you posting that and having Tessa seem to be looking at that post that made me tear up.

And I definitely want views from all sides. I''m one of those people that likes a TON of information and perspectives when I think about things like this. I''m so conflicted on this that it helps to get outside perspectives and see what I relate to/respond to.

 

[diamondfan]

I really always wanted kids, but now I am one and let me say it is without doubt the best thing I have ever done. It is also the hardest and scariest. I adore and love and worship my kids even when I sometimes want to scream bloody murder. I also am a very nervous mom and stuff that babies and toddlers do to scare a mom really are multiplied when you have a teenager. Driving, go off to college, dating, there are so many scary things I am having to face.

I love kids for the most part, meaning most of the time I am pretty tolerant and easy peasy but I also do NOT love when kids misbehave and have a tough time as a mom refraining from commment...and I do NOT think my kids are perfect but I do love them.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Beyond a doubt: everything else I have ever done pales by comparison.

cheers--Sharon

 

[vespergirl]

I always thought that I would have kids "down the line", but I was in no hurry, and if it didn''t happen, I would have been fine with it. I thought I would start in my early 30s. I''ve never been one of those people who loved other people''s kids, or babysitting, I never even played with baby dolls when I was a kid, so I figured that I just wasn''t that maternal, but that it would eventually kick in once I was married.

However, when I was 29, after 2 years with my live-in boyfriend (using condoms!) I found out that we had accidentally conceived. My boyfriend was ecstatic, proposed right away, and we decided to get married and have the baby. He was over the moon, but I was hesitant - it wasn''t planned, I was afraid people were going to think badly of me for getting pregnant before we were married (we tied the knot when I was 13 weeks, and I wasn''t even showing yet at all, thank goodness) and I had just landed a great job a year before as a marketing manager at a major global law firm. Because my job was so demanding, I knew that I couldn''t go back unless I wanted my kid raised by a nanny & to only see me on the weekends, so I just left work once I had the baby.

I have to say, I am really loving life now as a SAHM. My son is 21 months old, and he is the love of my life. I was never interested in holding other people''s babies before, but now I just want to cuddle & kiss him all day long. He has brought so much joy to us, and we have a very happy marriage and family life. Both my husband and I feel like we really have a purpose in life now, and shared goals in raising him. I don''t miss my job at all. We are fortunate that my husband makes enough that we''re not suffering without my salary - we don''t go out to eat or go shopping quite as much, but I don''t miss any of those things.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my perspective, because I was also "on the fence" about having kids, and have no regrets now that my son is here. I even feel that I would have missed out on the most fulfilling part of my life if we had never had him. So, my thought is that I''ve never heard anyone say that they regretted having children, but I''ve heard plenty of older friends say that they really regret not having had children when they had the chance. That said, you are very young, and I don''t think there''s anything wrong with waiting a couple of years until you feel more ready.

 

[Octavia]

Princesss, when I was in my early 20s I absolutely DID NOT want kids. But there came a point in my relationship with my FI where it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks that I wanted his kids. Honestly, I still think I would be fine with it if I never have them -- it''s not something I feel I need to do in order to live a complete life -- but I''m also very much looking forward to raising a family with him. Obviously, I''m not a mom yet (although FI would be more than happy to start trying now, but he understands that I need a couple more years and a wedding ring before that happens

) but I just wanted to chime in because my views on kids have shifted a lot in the past couple years.

 

[geckodani]

Date: 8/29/2008 12:15:58 PM
Author: Octavia
Princesss, when I was in my early 20s I absolutely DID NOT want kids. But there came a point in my relationship with my FI where it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks that I wanted his kids. Honestly, I still think I would be fine with it if I never have them -- it''s not something I feel I need to do in order to live a complete life -- but I''m also very much looking forward to raising a family with him. Obviously, I''m not a mom yet (although FI would be more than happy to start trying now, but he understands that I need a couple more years and a wedding ring before that happens

) but I just wanted to chime in because my views on kids have shifted a lot in the past couple years.

This is pretty much where I''m at. I''ve always wanted kids - and was also told that I might have a helluva hard time conceiving.

So I had to think long and hard, and while I did I realized that while I HOPE I have children, whether I do or not won''t define me or who I am.

It has gotten harder, as my friend has the most adorable 2 year old daughter ever, and the most obnoxious 6 year old boy ever, LOL! Being around him makes me not want kids, holding her makes me ready to go right now!

Tacori - I totally teared up at that post too.

 

[tberube]

when I read your title to this thread my first thought was "oh, come on, who is going to say they DON''T like being a mom?!" Once you''re a parent, I think it''s somehow socially not allowed (blah) to admit that it''s not all it''s cracked up to be...I mean, you''re talking about your KID here.

At any rate, I''m not a parent, but I think I''ll put my two cents in too. I don''t really want children. Neither does my FI. We have a cat, and at the end of next month we''ll also have a dog. Those are our children. To us, childrearing would not be worth it. It''s a decision we''ve made, that''s contrary to most people, but we feel confident about it. I truly don''t believe that everyone must have children to be fulfilled in their lives.

Just my $0.02.

 

[princesss]

Date: 8/29/2008 12:50:35 PM
Author: tberube
when I read your title to this thread my first thought was ''oh, come on, who is going to say they DON''T like being a mom?!'' Once you''re a parent, I think it''s somehow socially not allowed (blah) to admit that it''s not all it''s cracked up to be...I mean, you''re talking about your KID here.

At any rate, I''m not a parent, but I think I''ll put my two cents in too. I don''t really want children. Neither does my FI. We have a cat, and at the end of next month we''ll also have a dog. Those are our children. To us, childrearing would not be worth it. It''s a decision we''ve made, that''s contrary to most people, but we feel confident about it. I truly don''t believe that everyone must have children to be fulfilled in their lives.

Just my $0.02.

I guess it''s more "Do you enjoy life as a mom" and not "Do you like your kids" if that makes sense.

 

[swingirl]

When people think about having kids they seem to focus on the toddler years and elementary-school age. I guess that's when people think it is the most time-consuming and challenging. But don't forget about everything else. There is much pride in attending a ballet or band performance, and seeing the face of a senior who just got accepted to college. Having a political debate with your 13 year old. And letting your 15 year old drive home from the DMV when they just got their permit. Sure you are going to have noise, mess, a lot of laundry, homework duties, discipline issues, and some bills!!

The drool years, the terrible 2s, the soccer-mom roll--those go by pretty quickly. But the adult child lasts forever.

And as the answer to your question, I enjoy everyday as a mom because life without my kids would be boring.

But it's not for everyone.

 

[purrfectpear]

I''ll admit it.

Growing up as an only child I really liked having my own time and privacy. As a result I never planned to have any children. That worked out fine until I concieved in spite of birth control at age 30. The BF at the time was Catholic and came unglued at the thought of not being married and having the child. After a couple of months of heavy guilt induced talks, I caved and married him. I was NOT in love by then, but sigh...figured he deserved a chance at being a dad and that it wouldn''t kill me to give it a shot. So after 9 months of throwing up 6-7 times a day, every single day (including throwing up during delivery), I had a lovely baby boy. Hubby turned out to be a turd (big surprise there) so I left when my son was 16 months old. There were days I enjoyed being a mom, and I definitely "grew" as a person, but I never actually got used to the 24/7 of always putting my child first. I much prefer my life now that my son is 25 and on his own. It wasn''t the big things that were so onerous, it was the little things that drove me batty; like not going to the bathroom alone for 3 years (you don''t walk out of the living room and leave a 2 year old loose in the house), or having to schlep a toddler out to the grocery store (it''s like packing for a camping trip)

Being a single mom wasn''t a financial hardship for me at all, so that wasn''t a factor. It was just the lack of any time to call my own. Kids are so needy. Totally not their fault, but you don''t really have much of a life until they''re 10 or 12, and before you know it you have to deal with the teenage drama.

Obviously I had zero time alone since I was a single mom and two parents would have been easier. Still if you are on the fence about having kids...I would say pass. Something is telling you that you don''t relish the sacrifices that other moms make with such joy.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 8/29/2008 1:12:44 PM
Author: swingirl

The drool years, the terrible 2s, the soccer-mom roll--those go by pretty quickly. But the adult child lasts forever.

I love this and you are so right! My siblings and I are so close to my mom (as is DH and SIL to MIL) and I am so looking forward that type of relationship too.

Princesss, it''s hard not to get sappy since I am in the thick of it all. I agree, motherhood is not for everyone and that''s 100% OKAY! You shouldn''t force something that you do not want. But if you *do* decide it is right for you I can only tell you it is wonderful (even when I get pooped on, peed on, thrown up on, spit on, scratched, hair pulled, screamed at and *still* have 15 extra lbs from pregnancy)

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/29/2008 1:19:09 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I''ll admit it.

Growing up as an only child I really liked having my own time and privacy. As a result I never planned to have any children. That worked out fine until I concieved in spite of birth control at age 30. The BF at the time was Catholic and came unglued at the thought of not being married and having the child. After a couple of months of heavy guilt induced talks, I caved and married him. I was NOT in love by then, but sigh...figured he deserved a chance at being a dad and that it wouldn''t kill me to give it a shot. So after 9 months of throwing up 6-7 times a day, every single day (including throwing up during delivery), I had a lovely baby boy. Hubby turned out to be a turd (big surprise there) so I left when my son was 16 months old. There were days I enjoyed being a mom, and I definitely ''grew'' as a person, but I never actually got used to the 24/7 of always putting my child first. I much prefer my life now that my son is 25 and on his own. It wasn''t the big things that were so onerous, it was the little things that drove me batty; like not going to the bathroom alone for 3 years (you don''t walk out of the living room and leave a 2 year old loose in the house), or having to schlep a toddler out to the grocery store (it''s like packing for a camping trip)

Being a single mom wasn''t a financial hardship for me at all, so that wasn''t a factor. It was just the lack of any time to call my own. Kids are so needy. Totally not their fault, but you don''t really have much of a life until they''re 10 or 12, and before you know it you have to deal with the teenage drama.

Obviously I had zero time alone since I was a single mom and two parents would have been easier. Still if you are on the fence about having kids...I would say pass. Something is telling you that you don''t relish the sacrifices that other moms make with such joy.

First, your avatar is TDF!!!! I will be searching for a thread on that puppy ASAP!!!

I also, I really admire your honesty. I have met parents who have not a.) liked their kids, b.) liked being a parent, and a combination of those two. NO ONE ever says it. It''s like it''s not socially allowed. I have one friend with two daughters that was willing to say that it has been great, loves his kids, could have lived a happy life without kids. I hate when people treat you like you are selfish for not wanting kids. It''s only selfish to have kids and treat them poorly because you didn''t want them.

 

[somethingshiny]

There was a great thread on this several months ago.

LINKY

still funny....and true!

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I''ll admit it - sometimes I don''t like being a mom. My son, James, is 8 weeks old and is sooo demanding. I''ve not slept since my third trimester of pregnancy, my body has morphed into something that I no longer recognize and my meals are usually cold. BUT, my son is the best. He''s just learing to smile socially and coo and he gets bigger and stronger by the day. He looks like a little carbon copy of my husband and has the cutest little toes. I love him with every bit of my being. It is hard work, and I expected it to be, but totally worth it at the end of the day.

Diva

 

[Maisie]

I always knew I would have children. I love staying home and taking care of everyone. We have 5 kids and they are my world. I adore each and every one of them... even though they drive me mad sometimes. Their ages range from 4 through to 18.

I accept that having a large family isn''t for everyone... but its worked out pretty wonderfully for me!

 

[princesss]

Maisie, don''t you even try to lie to me. I''ve seen pictures. There is no way you have an 18-year-old!

Thanks, everybody. By all means, keep the viewpoints coming. This is giving me a lot to think about.

 

[Maisie]

Date: 8/29/2008 4:53:11 PM
Author: princesss
Maisie, don''t you even try to lie to me. I''ve seen pictures. There is no way you have an 18-year-old!

Thanks, everybody. By all means, keep the viewpoints coming. This is giving me a lot to think about.

aaah you are too kind!!

 

[swingirl]

I want to add that growing up I didn''t want kids. I said they smelled like sour milk and looked like old men. I never baby sat and the first diaper I ever changed was that of my first born at the hospital. I still don''t think all babies are cute and would like to smack a few of them on Nanny 911!!

But having your own, when you are ready and having the support of your spouse is an amazing experience. Being a single parent, having financial struggles, being too young and/or just not wanting kids can make for a "can''t wait til this is over" experience which is so unfair to the child.

It is a choice that deserves much consideration and agreement between you and your spouse.

 

[radiantquest]

i am not a mom. i am also on the fence about what i want. i wonder if it is worth it. i work with people who are parents and they are always complaining about their kids (not really anything bad, just everyday type stuff) and i wonder when are they worth the work. babies are cute and all, teenagers suck, there is one in the house here so i AM speaking from experience there and then they become adults.

i asked a few moms and they said that they were without a doubt ready to be moms when they got pregnant. they werent worried about birth, their bodies, money, nothing. they KNEW they were ready.

so that is where i am sitting and it may benefit you to think the way i am. until i am positive that a baby is what i want, im waiting.

 

[diamondfan]

Purr, never wanting them and suddenly finding yourself pregnant is scary and being a single mom is the ultimate tough situation filled with sacrifices.

I am sure your son is a great guy. I also agree it is not the big stuff sometimes that makes it tough. And I have a hubby who though he works insane hours is a great and involved dad and I have full time help. But G*d help me when I have a migraine or a fibro episode and my youngest only wants me and I have no strength to deal...that is when I realize how blessed I am to have my nanny and to be able to get a break and have time to get it together. And my kids are honestly pretty easy...I really am lucky...but I applaud your honesty and that you really are forthright about your situation. Do you get to have time now?! I hope so!

 

[pennquaker09]

Date: 8/29/2008 1:53:19 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady
I love it. I''d always wanted to have several children and I did and loved every second of it, lows and highs. I believe in my heart of hearts that it is exactly what God had planned for me. For me, it is the most amazing blessing I have received. I was given four amazing children.. all of whom I am deeply proud. I can''t imagine (my opinion of course) a more satisfying, incredible gift than to be a Mother.

Four?!?! I need to get some new glasses . . .

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 8/29/2008 12:50:35 PM
Author: tberube
when I read your title to this thread my first thought was ''oh, come on, who is going to say they DON''T like being a mom?!''

Hehe, I had the same thought!

I''m in a similar boat as many here, including yourself, Princess. On the fence about kids--terrified of all things involved with being a parent. I''ve always felt that D and I would be perfectly content without kids, but more than anything I think we would regret not having them if we didn''t have them. I have no doubt that when we do have them, we will miss the life we have now. Still, I don''t think that would compare to the regret I would feel if I turned 50 and wished more than anything that we''d had kids.

As it stands now, we are going to start trying in 2 years which feels very soon.

Like you, I found out that having children is not going to be easy for me. I think this makes the whole "on the fence" problem even worse. In some ways, feel that it contributes to me being on the fence--I mean, why put myself through that, you know? On the other hand, it makes me realize that this is an even more important decision for us. I''m currently in the process of making my body as healthy as it can be...more than anything I feel an overwhelming responsibility to do everything that I can to make the process as normal as possible.

I definitely know how you feel and am glad that you and your BF can talk about it openly. When a couple decides they won''t have children, it''s often non-negotiable, so the fact that you''re able to figure it out together is great!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/29/2008 12:50:35 PM
Author: tberube
when I read your title to this thread my first thought was ''oh, come on, who is going to say they DON''T like being a mom?!'' Once you''re a parent, I think it''s somehow socially not allowed (blah) to admit that it''s not all it''s cracked up to be...I mean, you''re talking about your KID here.

At any rate, I''m not a parent, but I think I''ll put my two cents in too. I don''t really want children. Neither does my FI. We have a cat, and at the end of next month we''ll also have a dog. Those are our children. To us, childrearing would not be worth it. It''s a decision we''ve made, that''s contrary to most people, but we feel confident about it. I truly don''t believe that everyone must have children to be fulfilled in their lives.

Just my $0.02.

I don''t like being a mom...I LUUUURVE it.

Seriously, most people say they like being a mom because...they like being a mom.

I''ll finish up after quoting another poster...

 

[Fly Girl]

I don''t like other people''s kids all that much, but I loved my own. There are some busy years, but having completed the bulk of parenting, I wouldn''t change a thing. They are such great people, and having kids is just plain fun. There''s nothing like going to the fair or the beach with your kids. You get to replay parts of your childhood as well. Yep, they cost money, their needs come first, they are a lot of work. But they also provide some of the greatest joys in life.

My husband tells the story of a co-worker whose wife was expecting. The guy was pretty cool about the whole thing. Until, that is, he held his baby girl for the first time. Then he fell head-over-heels in love with her. All those latent parenting feelings suddenly appeared. He came back to work and said, "Why didn''t somebody tell me this would happen?" All the other fathers just nodded and said, "How could we? We can''t explain it. It''s something you have to experience for yourself."

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/29/2008 5:59:37 PM
Author: radiantquest
i am not a mom. i am also on the fence about what i want. i wonder if it is worth it. i work with people who are parents and they are always complaining about their kids (not really anything bad, just everyday type stuff) and i wonder when are they worth the work. babies are cute and all, teenagers suck, there is one in the house here so i AM speaking from experience there and then they become adults.

i asked a few moms and they said that they were without a doubt ready to be moms when they got pregnant. they werent worried about birth, their bodies, money, nothing. they KNEW they were ready.

so that is where i am sitting and it may benefit you to think the way i am. until i am positive that a baby is what i want, im waiting.

Really? Gosh, I don''t know a single mom who wasn''t worried about birth, their body, money, or SOMETHING. And me? I wasn''t ready. No way, no how. I think it''s pretty well known around here (or at least the preggo/mommy threads) that I CRIED for a half hour on the bathroom floor when I found out that I was pregnant. Yes, I was off the pill (for two weeks), but I liken it to someone tentatively sticking their big toe in the water and getting pushed in from behind. NOT COOL.

But after the initial shock of the cold water hitting you, you kind of warm up...then float around a bit in the pool, then realize this feels so good!

There have been a ton of threads like this one. Really...don''t have kids unless you want them...your life will not be a big black void. You will be fine and you will be happy.

But if you do choose to have kids, have a solid foundation to build your kids'' life upon. If your marriage was shaky before you had kids, a baby will really rock it.

Purrfectpear, kudos to you for raising a kid as a single mom. I would bet that if I was a single mom, I would feel much the same. Having a partner really helps, because although I have no problem putting Amelia''s needs before mine, it''s mentally knowing TGuy *can* step in for me that makes it seem less daunting.

 

[miraclesrule]

All I ever wanted to be was a Mom. It''s wierd that I never wanted to be a wife though.

After having been a single working Mom I sure could have used a wife though!! I just loved my work too. It helped me provide for my daughter. I didn''t like Dogs much because I would have to pick up poop forever with them and with my daughter, will she could take care of her own after the age of two.

My regret: I didn''t have more of them.

My newest regret: I didn''t have a husband (second income) and more children.

 

[princesss]

NEL, I''m so glad somebody on here has similar circumstances.

Basically, when the doctor said it probably wouldn''t happen, I shut it out as a possibility. It was weird, because I''d always wanted kids. Always. And I''d loved daydreaming about what our kids would look like. I didn''t tell anybody about what the doctor said. At 19, how do you even begin to process that, you know? So over the past few years I just decided that there was no point torturing myself.

And when BF brought it up last night I honestly started bawling. It just brought it all up again. In part I felt like a failure for some reason. Like, "I can''t have them, so why even talk about it?"

So now I''m trying to figure out if I want them. I know I''d be fine without them. I know I could be fine with them. But I''m struggling with if I *want* them.

BF sees his cousins with their kids, and sees how happy and fulfilled they are when they talk about their kids. And he''s excited thinking about that (even when...okay, especially when it''s in the far-off future) and about what it will be like. I don''t have anybody like that to see. One friend is pregnant (but maybe around 8 or 9 weeks) so I think that''ll be really nice to see. So that''s why I''m here.