Do you ever fight in front of your kids (or were fought in front of?)

[hlmr]

Definitely agree it is good for kids to see conflict and resolution from arguments between their parents, but when the fighting and abuse of each other is causing kids to cry, it is not okay for them to be a part of that.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I don''t have children and my parents separated/divorced when I was too young to remember. I ''hope'' FI and I have enough self control to be able to civilly acknowledge an issue and agree to discuss it at a time when we''re alone. That being said, sometimes control escapes even the most level-headed person, and that''s unfortunate, but there''s a difference between screaming and raging and having a spat or a disagreement. I 100% agree with Feb03Bride. I think it''s important for kids to understand that parents disagree or argue, but make up as well. I think it helps children develop a sense of self and an awareness for others and their feelings. One of hardest things for a child to learn is that their parents are people too who have feelings, good and bad.

I''m sure your friend realizes what she did and feels horrible. Kudos to the big brother for calling them both out on their behavior.

And for the record, even my dog picks up on it when we fight. He gets very upset. I can only imagine how it must be for kids to see their parents fight.

 

[Elmorton]

My parents fought in front of me - and sometimes it was okay, because I''d also see them apologize to each other (which I do think is important for a kid to learn/see), but other times, my parents would scream, and then retreat to "corners" (separate spaces like a bedroom or a study) which would leave me to sit alone to contemplate which parent I''d live with if they got divorced. I probably wouldn''t tell my parents this, but there were times that I''d go through my room figuring out how to divide my toys if I had to live in two places (for the record, my parents are still together). That''s certainly not healthy.

I know that DH and I will probably clash a little in front of our kids someday, but as long as we''re fighting fair and also apologizing/resolving things in front them too, I don''t think it''s harmful.

DH''s parents are divorced and he says he doesn''t remember them fighting at all. Last weekend I stayed with my MIL, and we were talking about how people argue - she said that she and my FIL fought, but afterward, neither acknowledged the disagreement at all - just pretended it didn''t happen. While my DH doesn''t remember it, that''s not healthy for a kid to see either.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 5/5/2009 9:38:36 AM
Author: Elmorton
My parents fought in front of me - and sometimes it was okay, because I''d also see them apologize to each other (which I do think is important for a kid to learn/see), but other times, my parents would scream, and then retreat to ''corners'' (separate spaces like a bedroom or a study) which would leave me to sit alone to contemplate which parent I''d live with if they got divorced. I probably wouldn''t tell my parents this, but there were times that I''d go through my room figuring out how to divide my toys if I had to live in two places (for the record, my parents are still together). That''s certainly not healthy.


I know that DH and I will probably clash a little in front of our kids someday, but as long as we''re fighting fair and also apologizing/resolving things in front them too, I don''t think it''s harmful.


DH''s parents are divorced and he says he doesn''t remember them fighting at all. Last weekend I stayed with my MIL, and we were talking about how people argue - she said that she and my FIL fought, but afterward, neither acknowledged the disagreement at all - just pretended it didn''t happen. While my DH doesn''t remember it, that''s not healthy for a kid to see either.

I think this is one of the reasons why divorce is so hard for older children. A lot of times it comes out of nowhere because the parents have tried so hard to hide their discontent in the "best interest" of the children. So when things escalate to the point of separation, it seems like it''s out of the blue and the kids have no coping mechanisms to deal with the situation. It''s also a lot harder for kids to see the situation objectively (as in mutual blame versus just one side) when it comes out of nowhere. They assign blame to one or the other parent, or in the worst case scenario, to themselves.

 

[elrohwen]

My parents never fought because my dad is big into the silent treatment

It''s hard to fight when one of the people won''t talk. So no, they never fought in front of me.

I hope that FI and I won''t fight in front of our kids! However, we bicker back and forth for fun, so hopefully that won''t upset our kids because it''s really harmless and we''re not mad at all. But I would worry that little kids could take it the wrong way and think we were really upset with each other.

 

[lili]

Unfortunately we have

, w/ huge blow-ups.
Hopefully, it won't happen when she's a little older.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 5/5/2009 10:51:40 AM
Author: elrohwen
My parents never fought because my dad is big into the silent treatment

It''s hard to fight when one of the people won''t talk. So no, they never fought in front of me.

I hope that FI and I won''t fight in front of our kids! However, we bicker back and forth for fun, so hopefully that won''t upset our kids because it''s really harmless and we''re not mad at all. But I would worry that little kids could take it the wrong way and think we were really upset with each other.

Eh, the silent treatment. My mom was huge on that too. She did it to both my dad and me. After my dad died (when I was in my teens) my mom still pulled out that on me and often would go for a few days w/out talking to me. So, literally, I sat there with no parent!

Anyhow, my parents fought in front of me and my mom often threatened to leave my dad, but alas he died instead.

My husband and I do fight, but usually have one major blow-out every year and we get it all out. My husband''s earth sign is water and mine is fire. He is calm and I''m hot tempered. Seems like he often douses out the fire when I heat up.

Oh, and my kids are the ones who bicker (not fight) in front of DH and me, not the other way around. They are so close in age and have all the same toys and argue over the most mundane stuff, like trading pokemon cards.

 

[AmberGretchen]

My parents had SUPER blowout fights in front of me - they got divorced when I was 4, but they would basically fight any time they were in the same room together. It was HORRIBLE. So immature, and humiliating, and terrifying to be the child in the middle of the screaming parents in the parking lot at school.

Anyway, I''m sure if you can fight without it being too scary (and obviously without physical involvement) and also let your kids see you making up, then that''s probably reasonably healthy. But I really think so many parents could be so much more careful about how the things they do and say and how they act affects their children - mine certainly weren''t, and it was very traumatic for me for a long time.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 5/5/2009 12:15:47 PM
Author: AmberGretchen
My parents had SUPER blowout fights in front of me - they got divorced when I was 4, but they would basically fight any time they were in the same room together. It was HORRIBLE. So immature, and humiliating, and terrifying to be the child in the middle of the screaming parents in the parking lot at school.

Oh, god, that''s horrible AG! Sorry you went throught that.

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/4/2009 9:00:40 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
My parents fought in front of us. Nothing severe (as I look back as an adult) but enough to write in my diary about them getting a divorce (not that they ever uttered those words but I tended to over-react).

I did the same thing. My parents fought occasionally in front of us and I remember asking were they going to get divorced (this was when divorce wasn''t even legal in Ireland).

 

[tigian]

Unfortunately, my parents did not get along most of time. My mom has a really bad temper when it comes to my dad and they would yell, throw things, slam doors, etc. My younger sister and I were scared when they did fight and would usually hide in our rooms together. I remember trying to play to distract us from the fights, but it is hard when it is being done so loudly. Once we were teenagers, we were home a lot less. I really wish they had gotten a divorce earlier on rather than subject themselves to such behavior. I''m sure they would be embarrassed if they could witness their fights as an outsider. My husband and I have discussed that we will probably have arguments in front of our future kids, but there is no need to have such fights if we truly respect eachother.

 

[Aloros]

My parents rarely ever fought in front of us. I think they did more when we were younger, but now it''s just really short, quick disagreements. My mom has a temper, but my dad is very even-tempered. I think after that long together, some couples just work out the kinks, and all the arguments go along a similar path. They tend to end faster.

We''ve fought in front of the kid before...we try not to, I know he hates it. It doesn''t happen very often, and as things go forward we fight less and less. I think we are each recognizing our own individual triggers (both of us have tempers). We do make up in front of him too.

When he''s done something wrong, I make sure to let him know that even though I''m upset with him, I still love him very much. I think it''s important that he knows that disagreements or fights aren''t the end of the world. They happen sometimes.

 

[iheartscience]

I think mine argued in front of me occasionally but definitely never yelled or screamed at each other. (I don''t think they really yell or scream at each other in general, though.) And I can''t even remember any specific fight so I guess it didn''t affect me!

I don''t have kids but I don''t think it''s a big deal to argue/disagree in front of them as long as you''re calm and you also make up in front of them. I don''t think it''s ever okay to yell/cuss in front of kids, though.

 

[iluvcarats]

There is a dividing line between disagreeing and arguing.
I don''t think there is anything wrong with having a disagreement/ discussion.
However, that is very different from yelling, screaming and being blatantly disrespectful of each other.

 

[princesss]

I was aware that my parents fought, but I don''t actually remember hearing or seeing them fight. Mostly I just saw the aftermath (Dad has a bit of a temper). It''s definitely influenced how I fight with BF for the better. I knew that it was okay to fight, but that fights shouldn''t be loud or out of control. We''re very good fighters, if that makes sense, lol.

 

[TravelingGal]

Interesting read, ladies!

TGuy and I talked about this last night. Told him some of your responses. We both agree we feel it is good to show that we can disagree in front of kids, as long as they see the resolution. Obviously we don''t want to fight in front of the kid.

We also agreed it''s all good in theory, but who knows what the future holds and all we can do is our best.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 5/5/2009 12:16:58 PM
Author: MC

Date: 5/5/2009 12:15:47 PM

Author: AmberGretchen

My parents had SUPER blowout fights in front of me - they got divorced when I was 4, but they would basically fight any time they were in the same room together. It was HORRIBLE. So immature, and humiliating, and terrifying to be the child in the middle of the screaming parents in the parking lot at school.

Oh, god, that''s horrible AG! Sorry you went throught that.

Thanks MC. My parents are both amazingly intelligent and accomplished people, but they really didn''t have a clue how to handle themselves as adults throughout my childhood and adolescence. I wouldn''t wish that on anyone, and I hope that if my DH and I ever decide to have kids, we can handle things much better, even if, for some unforeseeable reason, we did end up separated.

 

[cnspotts]

This has been a interesting read. Fortunately my daughter is grown and no longer at home but there were a couple of intensely loud arguments before the divorce. Later she has told me that she was within earshot of some pretty nasty fights between her dad and his wife over the last years. Some of it was very hurtful she tells me. I feel bad about that for her but she does live on her own now. I eventually moved out of the state, she stayed so that''s how that came to be.

My parents fought, raged, got physical at times, it really scared me sometimes but honestly I barely remember any of it. After dad died (@ 36) mom continued to be a screamer. I''ve never been comfortable with it, She was crazy about things, she''d get really wound up, maybe insecurities being widowed at 31 w/ 3 kids? I think being raised like that caused me to have those tendencies too if I''m not paying attention to the issues at hand, so I''ve worked pretty hard to stay even tempered and not freak out. Thankfully I generally get past it, whatever it is. Although I have learned that I stew on things that I know are going to be difficult to address with DH. He tends to shut down and we''ll end up getting nowhere fast without any kind of resolve. Eventually I''ll blow up and then he retreats even more. Obviously that does not work.

I hate to fight, I certainly don''t want to live like that but there should be an easier way to get him to actually understand that I have something serious on my mind that he needs to give me some attention on.

I know my dog freaks out if anyone yellls....poor little guy(65lb, pitty). He totally goes flat and slithers along the floor so no one can see him pass by!

 

[vespergirl]

My husband and I never fight in front of our son, but then again, we hardly ever fight (maybe only twice a year). Not to say that we don''t have differences of opinion, but we talk to each other like adults, and reach compromise through discussion. There are some things that we agree to disagree on, but we both believe that it''s terrible to fight in front of children.

My parents fought horribly in front of my brothers and I all the time. They were both equally at fault, and would scream, curse, throw things, punch walls, and my mother would hit my father (he would never hit her back). They would fight about everything from hating each other''s families to sex - not fights that people should have in front of their kids. It was very damaging and horrible for all of us, and I left home at 17 because I couldn''t stand it anymore. In my opinion, people who fight in front of their children are probably too immature and selfish to have children. If you can''t get along, get a divorce, but don''t torture your kids like that. My stupid older brother and his wife fight like my parents do in front of their son, and I can tell that he''s already having psychological issues because of their selfish behavior - it''s such a shame.

There is a difference between having a civil disagreement and a fight - in my opinion, anything that escalates to yelling and cursing is a fight. People need to learn to control their tempers in front of their children. My take on it is that if I wouldn''t talk to my husband or child like that in public, I won''t talk to them that way at home. We can''t expect our children to learn maturity, patience and respect unless we are modeling that behavior.

 

[phoenixgirl]

My parents never fought in front of me. The one exception was a rather pitiful disagreement when I was a teenager, at least it seemed so since I''m sure I missed the actual argument and just saw the end result. My dad and I were in the car to go to the movies, and my dad said something that seemed innocuous but which annoyed my mother, and then she said she wasn''t going to the movies anymore. Then my dad spent a lot of time groveling and begging her to come. That was it.

 

[Feralpenchant]

Date: 5/4/2009 5:54:34 PM
Author:TravelingGal


Do you fight in front of your kids?

No kids here.

What kind of toll do you think it takes?

My parent's fought in front of me. Not only fought, but laid ALL the details out there. My dad used to take me to hang out with his "secretary's" (now his wife's) kids. I remember being wise to it, even at 6 years old. My dad would come home drunk and I'd be sleeping but my mom was always waiting in the kitchen. There were nightly fights and it always woke me up.

Do you remember your parents fighting in front of you and do you think it had lasting effects?

After one of the aforementioned fights, I remember CLEARLY walking down the stairs (with my stuffed pig that I still have) and sitting on the landing after my dad had stormed out and slammed the door. My mom was crying at the kitchen table but she didn't see me there. I didn't know what to do so I started singing to her. I was only 5 years old. How's that for the earliest memory you have?

It has definitely had long lasting effects. The fighting I have come to terms with because I am older now and I have been cheated on before so I have a new understanding of my mother's pain.. The divorce is what ruined me. I still have issues that have spilled over into my relationship with SO as far as drinking goes. WHen he drinks beer, he smells like my dad and I just feel complete disdain for him, and I hate it. He gets mad at me for preventing him from drinking. I tell him, I can't help it, you had a great childhood and never went through a divorce or witnessed abuse, you just don't and can't understand. I'm not trying to make him quit drinking, I'm just trying to convey what it does to me.

That was a little off topic, but please try not to fight in front of your kids.. I saw a lot of things go down when I was very young, they are very impressionable years and what I have gone through has shaped me in some ways, not necessarily for the better. I'm jealous of people that had great childhoods, no divorce. I feel like parts of them are very much alive that in me, are long gone. I'm 21 and I'm still dealing with it. I didn't even have any siblings to share the pain with. Just me and my pig

EDIT: I'm so sorry that post was so depressing. I guess it's just a sore subject for me and when I get to talking about it, it just kind of all rolls out.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 5/7/2009 3:57:16 PM
Author: Feralpenchant

Date: 5/4/2009 5:54:34 PM
Author:TravelingGal


Do you fight in front of your kids?

No kids here.

What kind of toll do you think it takes?

My parent''s fought in front of me. Not only fought, but laid ALL the details out there. My dad used to take me to hang out with his ''secretary''s'' (now his wife''s) kids. I remember being wise to it, even at 6 years old. My dad would come home drunk and I''d be sleeping but my mom was always waiting in the kitchen. There were nightly fights and it always woke me up.

Do you remember your parents fighting in front of you and do you think it had lasting effects?

After one of the aforementioned fights, I remember CLEARLY walking down the stairs (with my stuffed pig that I still have) and sitting on the landing after my dad had stormed out and slammed the door. My mom was crying at the kitchen table but she didn''t see me there. I didn''t know what to do so I started singing to her. I was only 5 years old. How''s that for the earliest memory you have?

It has definitely had long lasting effects. The fighting I have come to terms with because I am older now and I have been cheated on before so I have a new understanding of my mother''s pain.. The divorce is what ruined me. I still have issues that have spilled over into my relationship with SO as far as drinking goes. WHen he drinks beer, he smells like my dad and I just feel complete disdain for him, and I hate it. He gets mad at me for preventing him from drinking. I tell him, I can''t help it, you had a great childhood and never went through a divorce or witnessed abuse, you just don''t and can''t understand. I''m not trying to make him quit drinking, I''m just trying to convey what it does to me.

That was a little off topic, but please try not to fight in front of your kids.. I saw a lot of things go down when I was very young, they are very impressionable years and what I have gone through has shaped me in some ways, not necessarily for the better. I''m jealous of people that had great childhoods, no divorce. I feel like parts of them are very much alive that in me, are long gone. I''m 21 and I''m still dealing with it. I didn''t even have any siblings to share the pain with. Just me and my pig

EDIT: I''m so sorry that post was so depressing. I guess it''s just a sore subject for me and when I get to talking about it, it just kind of all rolls out.

Feral, I''m so sorry for what you went through, and I totally empathize with you. I think it has to be tougher not having siblings - I am so grateful that I had two brothers to rely on when my parents were acting so horribly. Even though my younger brother and I have really rejected the home life we had growing up, my older brother''s family is just like the one we grew up in, and it''s so depressing to see him inflicting that type of environment on his own child.

It''s interesting what you said, about being jealous of people who didn''t have to go through a parents'' divorce. My parents are still married (39 years) and I spent my whole childhood praying that they would divorce, but it''s not part of their culture. Even though they are slightly better now, they still fight all the time, and I loathe visiting them during the holidays. I wish that they would just separate already, but I know that they probably never will.

Even though I mentioned that they both would fight, my dad never took it out on us, but my mother would turn around & beat the crap out of us after fighting with my dad. She would also tell us that it was our fault that they fought all the time, and would ask us to "referee" their fights - tell them who was right. They were truly awful at parenting. To this day she doesn''t apologize - she either "doesn''t remember" certain incidents, or blames it on us for "not doing what she said," or blamed it on PMS. I remember talking to a counselor & wishing that she had been an alcoholic or drug addict, because then I thought there would be something to blame for the abuse, instead of her just acting like a total b*tch. Like I said, they are trying to improve, but sometimes I just think you have to see it for what it is, a bad match, separate, and move on. I guess it''s hard to say if you haven''t been there - I would think that there are negatives to either situation.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

My parents divorced when I was 11, about 1 month prior to that, they were fighting every night. They were both mental health professionals, so they tried to do it the "right way." They went to another room and closed the door, but me and my sister could still hear everything and knew a divorce was coming, even though my parents told us we were were wrong (we were not).

My Mom was going though a midlife crisis at the time, and she was the one leaving my Dad, and that was very clear. At 11, I could not articulate what was going on, but some part my mind understood, just not the part that could put emotions into words. I would have a lot of angry rages at her over the year, and things got ugly (I later learned in college that pre-teen girls have a tough time with divorce).

I don''t know if the fighting effected me so much as the divorce did. If they fought, and worked things out, that probably would have been good for me to see that fighting is not the end of the world. I think my mother''s behavior did have a bad effect on me, and is something I am trying to work though in my current relationship.

 

[Allisonfaye]

My parents didn''t fight in front of us kids. They got a divorce. We do fight in front of our kids, but we don''t fight much. My sister and her husband fight a lot in front of their kids. Once I was there and the kids were crying because they were so upset about it. They said there parents do it all the time.