Do you ever fight in front of your kids (or were fought in front of?)

[TravelingGal]

Friends of ours recently got into a rager. Apparently it was the husband's fault (which he readily admits) but the wife has a temper and went off her rocker, swearing up a storm and screaming in front of their four year old. The 4 year old ended up crying he was so upset, which I hear didn't stop the argument. The 18 year old son came down from his room and yelled at both parents for making the 4 year old cry.

Do you fight in front of your kids? What kind of toll do you think it takes? Do you remember your parents fighting in front of you and do you think it had lasting effects?

 

[february2003bride]

We do have disagreements in front of the kids but we make up in front of them as well. So they see that even though their mom and dad don''t always agree, they do love each other and forgive as well. DH and I don''t have arguments though that would ever make our children cry. That does seem like an extreme fight! My BIL and his wife do have slam-the-door-yelling kind of fights and they do have them in front of their kids sometimes, and I do admit that DH and I have questioned how healthy that is for our neices and nephew. But it''s not our place to call them out on it either.

 

[IloveAsschers13]

I remember my parents fighting in front of us... For as long as I can remember. My dad was really hot tempered and my mom was as well (and she was very narrow minded and accusatory from the fights I have heard)... It did have pretty lasting affects on my in the sense that the person that I am dating now ( and will marry) is nothing like my dad and is even tempered.

My parents recently divorced (may 1st would have been their 22nd anniversary) and I can still vividly remember fights that weren't really fights, more like my dad getting mad about something. I think he must have been really unhappy, it just sucked because he took it out on his kids. The funny thing about it? My dad doesn't remember almost any of the blow-ups he had. We were talking about it at dinner last month, and he truly doesn't remember this fight him and I had when I was 16 (I'm 21 now). It's strange...

All I remember is it made us kids really uncomfortable and once they started fighting, there wasn't really anything my parents would do to censor it... One time my dad made me, my brother, and my sister cry at my sister's 15th birthday party (and we were 18, 15, and 14) so they were pretty huge blow-ups too. My sister and brother have weird relationships with my dad now where they aren't really truthful all the way or open, and he is the same with all of us. It's weird.

 

[TravelingGal]

I''ll take a stab at this...

Currently, we don''t fight in front of Amelia. I hope to keep this up, but wonder if it''s feasible. I''d like to think that it is. Plus TGuy and I have mellowed a lot since we first met.

My parents fought in front of me. (Well, not sure how much of it was in front of me but it got so loud you could hear it anywhere in the house) 100% my dad''s fault. And I meant ONE HUNDRED percent. I think my dad had some mental issues. My mom was and still is a saint. I witnessed why many of these fights started so I am pretty firm in my belief as to whose fault it was.

My dad had an explosive temper. He also hit her from time to time. It was bad enough that he was a yeller, but the physical abuse scared me to death. Even without it, I think I would have been petrified. It was so scary to me when mom and dad were fighting because things just seemed so UNSTABLE. Even as a kid, I wondered how we would survive if my mom left him and I devised plans on how to do so (none of them realistic, because I was a kid after all.) I often could not go to sleep until I knew my father had gone to bed because I was tense and scared - I must have felt like somehow I had to protect her.

If affected me in the sense that I had a basic distrust of men and didn''t want to get married for a long time. But my brother and I remark that we both came out relatively unscathed and with good senses of humor (which might have been a survival instinct). Sometimes I just wonder if kids are more resilient than we thought or if we were just lucky.

Nowadays, it makes me so sad to hear if people scream in front of their kids because if you never grew up in that environment, you can''t possibly know what it might be doing to your kid''s psyche.

 

[LAJennifer]

My parents never fought in front of my brother and me. Not once. They never raised their voices to each other in our presence.

I''m even tempered - not easily angered. My husband is the opposite.

 

[Steel]

Date: 5/4/2009 5:54:34 PM
Author:TravelingGal
Do you fight in front of your kids?

No kids here. Do not argue much and never 'fight' with DH. We have discussed it and hope to never fight in front of any potential kiddos.

What kind of toll do you think it takes?

Very upsetting. Kids need stability and if they feel the 2 rocks (mummy & daddy) in their life are unstable it can be upsetting. Now I don't believe in tip-toeing around kids either. Parents do not have to agree on every blessed thing but there is no need to fight certainly not in front of the little ones.

Do you remember your parents fighting in front of you and do you think it had lasting effects?

Yes. They hated each other most of the time. Yes, to long lasting effects.

 

[ahappygirl]

We have had disagreements but not yelling arguments or anything approaching a temper tantrum in front of our child. Our child is 5 and will say "stop fighting you guys" even when we are not remotely fighting, but he is a tenderhearted kid and he''s never been exposed to any actual fighting. That is his perception, so it is real to him. We explain we are just talking, that we are having a grown-up conversation, it''s okay not to agree on everything all the time, we love each other, and reassure him that everything is okay. The last one that comes to mind was a few weeks ago at a plant nursery and DH thought we had enough plants that needed to get in the ground and we didn''t need anymore on the cart. I agreed but was still looking around and trying to figure out if we should swap some plants for others. No fighting whatsoever. We made sure he saw us hold hands, kiss, etc after just to further reassure him.

If one or both of us is getting geared up for a serious debate, we typically look at each other, our child, and one of us says "we can talk about this later." Then we do when he''s asleep, or totally out of earshot.

I get physically ill imagining my child hearing/ feeling the way I did when my parents had HIDEOUS verbal arguments. It''s a great motivator to never let that happen.

You are right though - kids are resilient if nothing else.

 

[luckystar112]

My parents fought all the time when I was younger and I remember it very clearly.
They were just kids when I was born, 19 and 18 respectively, sharing an apartment. My dad was trying to be a rock star, my mom was trying to figure out how to be a mother.
I wouldn''t say it scarred me for life, but I do remember it. I''m not easily affected by stuff like that.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I don''t think my parents ever fought in front of my sister and I, but my dad would sometimes go off over the littlest thing. I clearly remember one Easter weekend when he went off on me for reading the newspaper. He called me some names, I got angry and yelled back, his voice escalated and he called me more names and then I got in trouble

His other "favorite" thing to go off about was the tv remote. My mom was sort of the same way, but she didn''t go off nearly as much as my dad.

My parents were young when I was born and I don''t think they ever really learned how to parent effectively. My sister and I were spanked a lot growing up and for years I was scared of my dad. As an adult, and now as a parent, I have vowed to my husband and my infant son that I will never act that way towards my children or family. Ironically, I get along much better with my dad than my mom now than I did as a child.

 

[April20]

I don''t have kids but I remember my parents fighting in front of us or within earshot of us when growing up. Every time this happened I got a HUGE pit of anxiety in my stomach. It stresses me out to this day. It''s not good. At all. If we ever have children, I will do my absolute utmost to never, ever expose them to this. It''s okay for them to realize that we don''t always agree, but it''s not okay for them to feel this way.

 

[Sabine]

Is it weird that we try not to fight in front of our dog? She has emotional issues and runs upstairs whenever anyone raises their voice (even if it''s just me yelling "what do you want for dinner" from the kitchen or dh yelling at a game on tv), but when we really fight we find her shaking in the corner, so we try not to do that in front of her. I think once the little one arrives, we will have disagreements and makeups in front of them like February said, but not really all out fights. I have a feeling it might be harder than we thought though as we both have times where we just feel like yelling.

I don''t remember my parents fighting much in front of me, but I DO remember my parents ''not speaking'' in front of me. They were unhappy for most of their marriage, and I think the ignoring each other and not talking was just as damaging as fighting would have been. I honestly think that as long as the kids grow up knowing that their parents love each other, trust each other, and respect each other (which can really change the WAY you fight), they will be able to cope with parents who do fight or anything else.

 

[Haven]

My parents fought in front of us all the time. It had long-lasting effects, for sure.

The biggest effect it had on me is that I am extremely sensitive to short tempered people. I could never date a man who is a screamer or a yeller or short tempered in any way. I also invested some serious time into reading about fighting in relationships and how to "fight fair" and that type of thing. DH and I don''t fight often, and when we do he is measured and rational enough that it stays pretty calm, even at the most heated moments.

I hope to never become big fighters, and if we do, I do not plan on fighting in front of our future children. I think it''s a horrible thing to do. (It''s much easier to remember the yelling than the making up.)

 

[Jas12]

I can''t recall ever having watched my parents fight or yell at one another. I do remember my mom ''loosing it'' on us kids a few times, but not ever directed at my dad. I think my parents probably bickered a bit but saved the intense stuff for when we were out of earshot and that is what i hope to copy with my own kids. I think there is great value in displaying a range of emotion around your children. They should understand how to resolve a conflict properly and know that mom and dad are real people with real feelings, so for petty stuff, i''ll probably ''allow'' it to go on in front of my children. But I would never yell, swear or belittle my husband in front of my children and DH would not either (he hasn''t yet, in 12 years without kids, so i doubt it''ll change now.)
I have had one intense argument with DH since our son was born and it was late at night. We almost never fight, but i do nag from time to time and that goes on in front of the kid--i wonder what long term effect that will have??

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think fighting is okay...its a natural, real part of a working relationship. But, coming back together is also equally important. It gives children a real idea of marriage/relationships are.

Now...as far as the knock down, drag out, swearing fest fight? No. But being "upset" is okay.

 

[Octavia]

My parents rarely argued in front of us, but they did argue a lot at some points. They usually saved it for nighttime, when my brother and I were supposed to be asleep, but I wasn''t always asleep and the house wasn''t that big (and was all on one level) so I heard a lot of it. I never let on, but I''ll definitely be aware of that when FI and I eventually have kids, because it was almost scarier than if they''d argued in front of us. Luckily, neither FI nor I are arguers, I don''t think we''ve ever seriously raised our voices at each other and it hope it continues that way.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

My parents fought in front of us. Nothing severe (as I look back as an adult) but enough to write in my diary about them getting a divorce (not that they ever uttered those words but I tended to over-react). We have fought in front of DD I am sure. I can''t recall any knock down, drag out fights but then again that isn''t our style. Any "serious" conversations/fights are not in front of her.

 

[packrat]

We''ve disagreed w/one another, but we don''t fight, ever. I remember once my parents had a "strong" disagreement in the car, involving slightly raised voices, and I started bawling, and asked if that meant they didn''t love each other and were going to get divorced. They are a little more vocal than JD and I in that way-maybe b/c they''ve been together so long, I dunno. JD recalls his parents in knock down drag out fights and vowed to never be that way. We''re both just of the mind that we''re grown up enough we oughta be able to talk about things like adults. If one of us happens to be in the wrong, neither of us see the good in throwing it in the others face and harping on it.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Wow, I have to admit that when I opened this thread I expected the responses to be 50/50 between fighting parents and non-fighting parents. I was way off!

My parents never fought in front of me growing up. Not once. I remember that when I met D and we''d have arguments I thought we were all wrong for each other because in my mind people who loved each other just didn''t fight.

I went home from college once and my parents had a huge fight--apparently once I was out of the house, all former "don''t-fight-in-front-of-the-kiddies" rules were off. I remember my mom yelling that she was going to get a divorce. I was SHOCKED. My mom later apologized and I told her that now I knew where I got my temper.

D and I do not want to argue in front of our kids, but we both have tempers. For the past year or so we''ve worked on arguing in a more healthy way so that we won''t fly off the cuff after kids. Hopefully. Like Sabine, we don''t even like fighting in front of the dogs. If we raise our voices, Byron gets between us and that makes us feel pretty bad.

 

[musey]

Date: 5/4/2009 5:54:34 PM
Author:TravelingGal
Do you remember your parents fighting in front of you and do you think it had lasting effects?

I do, but in their passive-aggressive midwestern way

I remember very vividly the two times my dad ever swore (never heard my mom do it), and they weren''t even that strong of swear words (da** and bi***). It was terrifying at the time, but I sort of laugh thinking back on it now.

My in-laws, however.... wow, that is a different story. They SCREAM at each other, even when it''s not a ''fight'' status exchange. It''s taken me quite some time to get used to it, and lots of reassurance from my husband that it''s not a big deal, totally normal for them, etc. They are the ''get everything out and get over it'' type, where my parents are the ''bottle it up and fester'' type. It''s really weird to go from one to the other.

I don''t think it''s had much of a negative effect on my husband, he is the ''get everything out'' type but in a MUCH more calm manner than his parents. He does not yell - ever. I''ve never heard him yell in anger. I''m also the ''get everything out calmly'' type, after seeing how ridiculous the quiet grudge-holding between my parents is.

I have told him though, that the way his parents argue is NOT okay with me, for our own relationship, and that if we start resembling them in that way then we need to get help asap.

I think, personally, that it''s better to let kids see disagreements AND resolutions between their parents - I really disagree with the ''let''s deal with this later'' approach, I think the entire journey from conflict to resolution is really important for them to witness. That''s not to say that the screaming and swearing is a positive learning experience for kids... hopefully your friends will find a better way to, um, ''discuss'' in front of the kids.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Stuff happens. Not necessairly planned. I said I''d never let my kid watch TV.

cheers--Sharon

 

[AmberWaves]

My parents fought in front of us constantly- it got so bad I''d be afraid to leave in case the cops had to be called (that actually happened one time), they told us constantly they were together because of us. It was so scarring, and I still get anxious when I think about my parents in a room together now (they split up when I moved out). The fights were loud, hurtful and sometimes violent. I heard things about their marriage and our life that a child should never ever have to hear, yet I will never forget them. We couldn''t talk about the fights, either, we were too afraid they''d take us away or (oddly) they''d split up and we''d be separated. Luckily they''ve both mellowed out considerably, it seems together it was nothing but misery, but apart it''s okay. Weird.

Anyway, my husband knows my past, and knows how hard my life was. We don''t fight, although I try VERY hard not to be like them- the only example I had. I hope we can keep our fighting out of the way of ears and eyes of the future baby. Here''s hoping.

 

[GoingCrazy29]

My parents got into disagreements and maybe once in a blue moon a ''fight'' in front of us. Never a rager and there were always apologies to each other and to us if they were in front of us. I''m sure FI and I will have some disagreements in front of kids as well, but hopefully never one with long lasting affects or that will make them cry, I can''t imagine that.

 

[pinkstars]

My parents were never married, but when they were together(they were together every couple of years) sometimes they would argue...I think I remember them having one fight and my mom might have cried then. My dad was an alcoholic and he had a bad temper, so when he was drunk he liked to yell about stupid things. He would yell at me about something like not brushing my hair or something and the only way I knew how to react was to cry, then he would be upset with me for crying and ask me why I was crying.
I think that this has affected me some, but I don''t feel damaged from it. When BF and I have an argument or are talking about something I have a hard time saying what I''m thinking(it''s totally on me, BF wants me to talk with him.) I also tend to cry when what we''re talking about isn''t terrible, I just cry though.

Date: 5/4/2009 7:55:40 PM
Author: Sabine
I honestly think that as long as the kids grow up knowing that their parents love each other, trust each other, and respect each other (which can really change the WAY you fight), they will be able to cope with parents who do fight or anything else.

I agree with this, no matter what was going on with my parents I knew they always loved each other which is something that I think is very important.

 

[oobiecoo]

Date: 5/4/2009 6:09:01 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I''ll take a stab at this...


Currently, we don''t fight in front of Amelia. I hope to keep this up, but wonder if it''s feasible. I''d like to think that it is. Plus TGuy and I have mellowed a lot since we first met.


My parents fought in front of me. (Well, not sure how much of it was in front of me but it got so loud you could hear it anywhere in the house) 100% my dad''s fault. And I meant ONE HUNDRED percent. I think my dad had some mental issues. My mom was and still is a saint. I witnessed why many of these fights started so I am pretty firm in my belief as to whose fault it was.


My dad had an explosive temper. He also hit her from time to time. It was bad enough that he was a yeller, but the physical abuse scared me to death. Even without it, I think I would have been petrified. It was so scary to me when mom and dad were fighting because things just seemed so UNSTABLE. Even as a kid, I wondered how we would survive if my mom left him and I devised plans on how to do so (none of them realistic, because I was a kid after all.) I often could not go to sleep until I knew my father had gone to bed because I was tense and scared - I must have felt like somehow I had to protect her.


If affected me in the sense that I had a basic distrust of men and didn''t want to get married for a long time. But my brother and I remark that we both came out relatively unscathed and with good senses of humor (which might have been a survival instinct). Sometimes I just wonder if kids are more resilient than we thought or if we were just lucky.


Nowadays, it makes me so sad to hear if people scream in front of their kids because if you never grew up in that environment, you can''t possibly know what it might be doing to your kid''s psyche.

My experience with my parents was very similar to this actually. I hated it when they fought but now I''m kind of glad they did. I just wish it hadn''t been that much or that aggressively! If I had never seen them fight then I think I''d have an unrealistic view of marriage. DH and I do have fights (we''re both feisty!) but I''ve learned what *to* and what *not to* do from my parent''s example.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 5/4/2009 5:54:34 PM
Author:TravelingGal
Friends of ours recently got into a rager. Apparently it was the husband''s fault (which he readily admits) but the wife has a temper and went off her rocker, swearing up a storm and screaming in front of their four year old. The 4 year old ended up crying he was so upset, which I hear didn''t stop the argument. The 18 year old son came down from his room and yelled at both parents for making the 4 year old cry.

Do you fight in front of your kids? What kind of toll do you think it takes? Do you remember your parents fighting in front of you and do you think it had lasting effects?

You really have to give this big brother kudos. I just hope his yelling didn''t add to the trauma of his little brother.

Yes, we have fought in front of our son, but not often, and I still feel guilty about it. I think it is always detrimental to the child''s feelings of security. And yes, I do remember my parents fighting in front of me, and I think that it always has some sort of lasting effects, different effects for different ages.

 

[iluvcarats]

We never fight in front of our kids.
My parents fought miserably in front of us constantly.
Always ended in one threatening divorce.
They finally did after 28 years of misery....

I never want to behave that way.

ETA It was very scary and depressing from a child's perspective.

 

[niccia]

My parents were sort of wannabe hippies. They did a few things in front of us that they probably shouldn''t have. They argued all the time and still do. My mum is a wonderful, sweet woman who takes a lot to get angry, but once she is....watch out. My dad is the opposite generally. More passive aggressive. He was never physical with her, but she would give him a whack here and there/throw things etc. Or she would make us go out for the day and sit in the car reading books, and when we came home we would have to tell Dad we were out looking at places to live. I can''t really blame her, as my Dad is a lot older and apparently didn''t treat her very well when they were younger. As she grew up, she became more independent and didn''t put up with anything after awhile, and he has definitely neglected her needs throughout the marriage in some ways. Having said that, we are a very close family, and they always showed us lots of love and attention, as well as each other in between the fighting. I love my parents more than anything, and I think they did a wonderful job of raising us despite all of that. We always knew they loved each other, and us. My relationship is similar in that my FI is very much like my father and I am my mother''s daughter for sure. I try to avoid arguing with him because of that, and I am much better at saying sorry than my mother. We have both promised we will never fight in front of our kids.

 

[Pandora II]

I only remember my parents rowing 3 or 4 times - and I remember it well because it was such a shock and I was very upset by it.

DH and I never really even disagree let alone fight, but we have discussed how we will act once Daisy is born if we do have an arguement.

My sister and her husband on the other hand are a complete nightmare and fight continuously in front of the kids who are 2 and 4. I don''t think there is physical violence but definitely a lot of screaming at each other goes on, and the general atmosphere is pretty dire. They also contradict each other''s parenting in front of the children.

My mother told me that my nephew who is 2 is developing nervous tics and is getting very upset at any signs of arguing, and my 4 year old niece is already seeing a psychologist. In the meantime, neither parent will accept any fault and blames it all on the other... oh, and they''re thinking of having another child

 

[Lilac]

My parents got divorced when I was 2 years old, so I''m sure they fought in front of me before that, but I don''t remember it because I was too young. While I was growing up they weren''t married anymore, but they would always be fighting in front of me when they saw each other. I''m sure they didn''t intend on hurting me, but they were usually arguing over who was early or who was late picking me up or dropping me off somewhere, or other things involving me so I always felt like it was my fault they were fighting. They''ve been much better about it lately which surprised me because I thought it would get pretty bad when I was planning my wedding, but they actually were pretty friendly to each other which was so nice.

I''m much older now so it''s easier to deal with when they do fight or say bad things about each other in front of me, but it definitely affected me. I''m very sensitive to fighting and I get very defensive when I feel like people are fighting around me or because of me. I also feel like I can never tell my mom anything my dad did that bothers me and I can never tell my dad anything my mom did that bothers me because they''ll feel like it gives them "permission" to badmouth the other one which really hurts me.

 

[Ara Ann]

Date: 5/4/2009 9:14:53 PM
Author: musey

Date: 5/4/2009 5:54:34 PM

Author:TravelingGal

Do you remember your parents fighting in front of you and do you think it had lasting effects?

I think, personally, that it''s better to let kids see disagreements AND resolutions between their parents - I really disagree with the ''let''s deal with this later'' approach, I think the entire journey from conflict to resolution is really important for them to witness. That''s not to say that the screaming and swearing is a positive learning experience for kids... hopefully your friends will find a better way to, um, ''discuss'' in front of the kids.

We have argued in front of our kids, but we also make up in front of them. Our youngest is 14 and still doesn''t like it if we argue, but it gives us the opportunity to tell him and show him, that even though people LOVE each other, they WILL disagree...it''s OK to argue as long as it doesn''t turn into ABUSE, big difference. Spouses will disagree and it is not healthy to let your kids think that marriage means never arguing...if they never see a ''healthy'' disagreement and the resolution, they are not learning how to resolve conflict in a healthy manner. These things need to be learned, just like a lot of other things (manners!)...it needs to be modeled for kids, so they know how to respond to conflict in the right way.

My parents fought sometimes, but I DID see them make up as well, which showed me how married life really is...it''s a give and take and no one is ever 100% right all the time. I want my kids to know that too.