DH against upgrade?! help

[CedarRapids]

I'm not married yet, but I kind of think that upgrading goes well with the time we might renew vows.

 

[ame]

Well, he is against it. he wants me to keep my ering forever and never upgrade. or maybe i can when we hit our 25 yr anniversary, i think he said "maybe we can discuss it then" - lol

Sounds like there's your answer. Prior to the robbery, we had only discussed upgrading at a major anniversary, like 20th or something, depending on financial situation. But we were both pretty attached to that stone and had intended to make it a side stone in a monster 3 stone ring. Now that it's long gone, and neither of us is particularly attached to this current one, I think we will just see how the future goes and finances go. After the drama I had with getting this setting settled, and how long it took to find and love this stone, I am good waiting for a while. I don't want to think about that for a LONG time, and want to fix up our dump to sell it.

 

[risingsun]

When my husband and I became engaged, almost 16 years ago, neither of us knew much about diamonds. We never talked about the ring and what I might like. I thought we would do that. DH suddenly decided he wanted propose, much earlier than I expected. He went out and bought a ring. He would tell you--and told me--that he looked around a little bit and choose a ring. Very little planning went into it. The proposal was lovely. Several days later, I was looking at my ring and saw a few black spots in it. We brought the ring to a friend in the diamond district for an appraisal. It wasn't good. We returned the ring and recreated it with better diamonds. We also picked out a five stone wedding band that really went well with the e-ring. Since then, I have upgraded my center stone three times and my wedding set twice. The first upgrade was on our 10th anniversary. When I sat down with my DH and explained how much this meant to me, he was fully supportive. My point is that not all husbands pour their heart and soul into choosing a ring. We choose the upgrades together and it made us both very happy.

 

[ame]

As a guy currently saving as fast as possible to purchase an engagement ring, I have a couple thoughts.

First, I really think you need to pause and put yourself in your husband's shoes. The process of purchasing an engagement is a serious financial and emotional event. A lot of money, thought, and time has gone into something that, when all is said and done, is merely a symbol and has no instrinsic, lasting consequence in any of our lives. In my own quest to find the "perfect" engagement ring, I've personally prioritized quality above all else--quality of the diamond, quality of the metal, and quality of workmanship. That means an overall smaller ring. But I made that decision because, to me, quality is the only physical characteristic that counts as a symbol of my relationship. I want something that will stand the test of time.

Now let me also keep it real for a second. I have no idea what your and your husband's financial situation is. However, we all need a little perspective now and again. We're talking here about an item worth thousands of dollars that you wear on your finger. When I stop and really think about that, it seems kind of crazy that anybody wears diamonds around, but that's our cultural tradition and as a once-in-a-lifetime purchase, I get it. After all, I'm purchasing one myself.

But that said, when you think about how truly extravagent any diamond ring is to have, I can absolutely understand why your husband would be opposed to upgrading it so soon after you received it. For 99% of us, there are many more important and wise places to spend (or give) the money.

This seriously is SO perfectly said.

 

[tyty333]

My Mom got an upgrade after 25 years (and their financial standing had changed quite a bit). I still have my original (13
years now). I dont think it will ever be changed unless it gets broke (or we win the lotto). However, after 10 years I did
add a nice 5 stone wedding band to go with it. The extra bling is just what I needed.

To me, new/young families have a lot more important things to spend money on. I'm sure he wants you to be happy but...he
may either be attached to the sentiment or feel like the money could go to better use. Nothing wrong with either.
If its the money thing then maybe you can cut back on your buget and put $50 a month away until you reach your goal.
If he sees you saving hard to get what you want he may be more apt to agree to it. If its the sentiment thing then
you should stress that you are keeping your main stones that he proposed with and just getting a new setting.

 

[cookies]

How about keeping the original and getting another ring? You know, a ring with nice colored stones and a big setting? My DH is always against changing things he picked out or purchased for me. But he doesn't have a problem with me admiring or buying new pieces. Just a thought.

 

[rainydaze]

changing my ring or diamond probably would never have occurred to my DH, so he wasn't quick to say 'go for it' when i brought up changing my setting. however i kept bringing it up so he eventually realized it was something i really wanted and he just wanted me to be happy. it was a plain solitaire that he didn't put too much thought into picking out, and the prongs were troublesome, so that helped. it was also considered as my 5th anni present.

it turned into a long process whereby the setting i ended up with is now on consignment because i tried to spare some of his feelings by changing just the setting when really i wasn't in love with the diamond he had picked. i was actually more torn up about the setting (princess halo, diamonds on the side, hand engraving) because it was really something special, but it didn't change what bothered me about my diamond (cut, color). by the time i worked up the courage to be honest with him about it, he just told me to figure out what i really wanted and we'd go from there (no resistance that time!). i did change the diamond and now have something that i adore, and DH is happy that i am happy. it was a process though!!

other posters are spot-on that you need to find out what exactly his objection is and consider his feelings. if it is financial, there are ways to make you both happy. if it is sentimental, you may be wise to compromise and a great way is with a RHR or a blingy eternity band.

 

[LGK]

Honestly, even though I don't wear my original e-ring, my current ring wasn't an upgrade per se. I lost my original set. It was unwearable anyway, I put it somewhere "safe", but every single stone needed repointing and that would've cost more than the ring was worth- it was something like a .10 ct center, .20 cttw 1940s wedding set. Chances are good I would've worn that wedding set my whole life and never thought twice about changing it if I could've.

Anyway, DH got sick of looking at the fake I started wearing instead, after a few years, and told me to go ahead and get something new. Well, I think what I ended up with was a little more than he had in mind but an upgrade? Not really. We'd been married for awhile when I replaced the old set, and been together even longer- something like 11 years or so at that point. (Right now, we're at 15 years since we moved in together, 10 years married.)

I don't think you're being particularly unreasonable even if it's kind of soon to fiddle with your e-ring; replacing a setting is not the same, IMO, as wanting a new stone right away. You can try to compromise and/or negotiate, but you might have to accept that it just isn't gonna happen right away. So, if he isn't on board, table it for now. Save up for a RHR to play with. Get a pendant, or some earrings. Basically, just leave it, start a small fund for yourself for jewelry, and get somethign that isn't sentimental to him, and get your focus off your e-ring. Then ask again some years later.

I think also in the future, you'll either get more attached to the original wedding set or he may get less so, as time goes by and life happens and he realizes perhaps that a ring, while it may symbolize a marriage and have good memories, is ultimately just stuff and your ultimate enjoyment of it is what matters- and that might mean a new setting. Or maybe you'll decide ultimately that you are happy leaving your e-ring as is, and having a RHR to reset and so forth is just fine, and your original e-ring is an old friend- perhaps not perfect, but it's been with you through years of life and you love it just as it is. Basically, just give it time and move on to other jewelry, if it's going to be a huge issue right now.

 

[dogmama]

As a guy currently saving as fast as possible to purchase an engagement ring, I have a couple thoughts.

First, I really think you need to pause and put yourself in your husband's shoes. The process of purchasing an engagement is a serious financial and emotional event. A lot of money, thought, and time has gone into something that, when all is said and done, is merely a symbol and has no instrinsic, lasting consequence in any of our lives. In my own quest to find the "perfect" engagement ring, I've personally prioritized quality above all else--quality of the diamond, quality of the metal, and quality of workmanship. That means an overall smaller ring. But I made that decision because, to me, quality is the only physical characteristic that counts as a symbol of my relationship. I want something that will stand the test of time.

Now let me also keep it real for a second. I have no idea what your and your husband's financial situation is. However, we all need a little perspective now and again. We're talking here about an item worth thousands of dollars that you wear on your finger. When I stop and really think about that, it seems kind of crazy that anybody wears diamonds around, but that's our cultural tradition and as a once-in-a-lifetime purchase, I get it. After all, I'm purchasing one myself.

But that said, when you think about how truly extravagent any diamond ring is to have, I can absolutely understand why your husband would be opposed to upgrading it so soon after you received it. For 99% of us, there are many more important and wise places to spend (or give) the money.

This was a very realistic post about both the emotional and financial aspects of the upgrading issue. It's tough. My husband thought I was really nuts and the practical side won out and I set the upgrading hopes on the back burner until the 25 year mark. I realized that if I plunked down 10K and my wife decided it wasn't good enough, I'd probably feel unappreciated!!

So, I stopped logging in here cold turkey which REALLY helped. I also focused on other things that were more important, like planning vacations for us to enjoy, saving for a house, and reveling in the little things like long walks with our puppy or enjoying a good meal. And then you realize there are bigger things out there than a little piece of rock on your finger it really puts the upgrading desire into perspective. That truly makes me feel so, so much more appreciative of my husband and our life together which in turn helps me to appreciate the ring and all it does represent, even if you're not sentimental.

 

[Gypsy]

Everyone is different.

I had SERIOUS DSS when I came on here. What I really wanted was an upgrade but my FI was very attached to my stone and had really put a lot of effort into selecting it.

He had given it to me in a temp setting (at my request) though, so he was fine with me changing out my setting. And then recently getting my halo redone because of fabrication issues.

Now though, I am SO HAPPY that I've never changed out my diamond. I had my jewelry stolen from me and have managed to replace some of it.. but it's not the same as the original pieces and I'm so glad that I've got my original diamond. And with the a halo it looks huge... even PSers have been surprised when I tell them my stone size. And I'm in love with it.

But we did talk a LOT about upgrading the center stone. And ultimately my desire for a larger stone wasn't more important than his attachment to the ORIGINAL to the symbol of commitment. And I love him and it was a compromise I was willing to make. But, since he's not at all sentimental about my setting... I can do what I want there (budget permitting).

That was our 'compromise' though. Every couple is different. You have to talk to him and understand what is going on, then decide what you can live with and what you can't

 

[Amys Bling]

Everyone is different.

I had SERIOUS DSS when I came on here. What I really wanted was an upgrade but my FI was very attached to my stone and had really put a lot of effort into selecting it.

He had given it to me in a temp setting (at my request) though, so he was fine with me changing out my setting. And then recently getting my halo redone because of fabrication issues.

Now though, I am SO HAPPY that I've never changed out my diamond. I had my jewelry stolen from me and have managed to replace some of it.. but it's not the same as the original pieces and I'm so glad that I've got my original diamond. And with the a halo it looks huge... even PSers have been surprised when I tell them my stone size. And I'm in love with it.

But we did talk a LOT about upgrading the center stone. And ultimately my desire for a larger stone wasn't more important than his attachment to the ORIGINAL to the symbol of commitment. And I love him and it was a compromise I was willing to make. But, since he's not at all sentimental about my setting... I can do what I want there (budget permitting).

That was our 'compromise' though. Every couple is different. You have to talk to him and understand what is going on, then decide what you can live with and what you can't

So true-- you have to find your compromise

 

[marcy]

Many wise words here for you. You both have to decide what works for both of you. I never wanted an upgrade until we'd been married about 16 years. I still cherish my original set and diamond because DH picked them out for me (rings now RHR and the center .15 ct diamond is in a pendant). DH actually brought up the idea of an upgrade before I did. If he doesn't want you to upgrade I would just put the idea aside until you have a special occasion down the road and maybe you can bring up the subject again.

 

[jstarfireb]

I'm all for upgrading if you're in a financial position to do so, but my husband is also against it, like yours. What I find odd about your situation is that you're really looking for a new setting, not a new diamond. Most men are a lot more attached to the stone than the setting and might not mind if you wanted a reset. But we're all different, I guess. Anyway, I think the advice to talk it through with your husband is good. It's also quite early in your marriage, so I think it's reasonable for your husband to ask you to wait a few years for an upgrade. Who knows, maybe he just doesn't like that particular setting choice and would be OK if you did something slightly different? Anyway, share your thoughts with him, and hopefully he'll open up to you too.

 

[centralsquare]

If the concerns are financial, then perhaps make this a year's worth of birthday, christmas, etc presents. That way, it doesn't really impact what you financially on the whole. If it's an attachment to the piece, that's a bit harder. Tastes and styles change over time, so while I can he has an attachment to it, I think you'll need to work with him to find a solution that works for both of you. Can you, for example, use the same metal in a custom setting?

 

[TristanC]

If you're in a forum where people talk about diamonds all day long, and size, and you see the new images and pictures of the new blingey thing etc day to day... it will keep eating at whatever niggling urge you have to upgrade and make it seem more and more important.

Your DH isn't PS obsessed. I've read the practical post, and its true as well. Forums feed the addiction of hobbies or of very specific aspects of our desires and really both stoke the flames of desire as well as provide an outlet for oooing and aaaahing that just won't happen outside of them.

Perhaps you need to spend 2 weeks away from PS, get some perspective and see how often and how much you think of it then. I'm guessing the desire will wane and grow when you come back. If you find that it is really something that is important to you, and you are financially comfortable to do it, then it is a mature discussion that you can have with your DH to share your point of view. The thing about relationships that are so fantastic is that nothing is cast in stone. Discussions and open sharings change perspectives and allow your partner into your life.

Personally? I can completely identify with your DH. But I also know where you are coming from. I am on PS afterall.

 

[CharmyPoo]

My set was changed a few time before we got married. I can honestly say that I adore my set now and would have never been happy with the other rings. My husband (so strange since we just got married on Saturday) has always thought it a bit silly and he doesn't identify my current set as the one he gave me. However, any unhappiness he may feel about it is very minor compared to how I feel about my set. I love it now and he is happy because I am happy. To me ... it is just material goods and I am not sure what it truly symbolizes. To be safe though, I had a plain pave band along with my V-shaped band that matches my e-ring blessed during our ceremony .. this way I can still switch to a plain band if I don't have my current e-ring.

 

[Dancing Fire]

DH of course.

yup,sometime it is easier to upgrade the husband...

 

[Dancing Fire]

I really don't understand why some men refuse something that would make their wives so happy (if budget allows obviously). I understand some are sentimental about the ring, but ultimately, it's *just* a ring. Isn't the wife's happiness worth it?

depends,sometime it is wiser to find a cheaper wife...

 

[jaysonsmom]

I don't know what to tell you. Some guys are sentimental, some aren't. Dh is the sentimental type when it comes to most things, but to him the sentiment of an e-ring and w-ring means just WEARING it, and loving it's symbolism. That being said, I've had several different stones and several settings through our 11 years of marriage, and he likes to see me happily wearing my set. If I ever want to reset, or get a new band, he goes along with it because it means I'll fall in love with wearing my rings again.

 

[cheapiej]

I really don't understand why some men refuse something that would make their wives so happy (if budget allows obviously). I understand some are sentimental about the ring, but ultimately, it's *just* a ring. Isn't the wife's happiness worth it?

depends,sometime it is wiser to find a cheaper wife...

LOL. I also don't understand why some women refuse something that would make their husbands/boyfriends/etc so happy...I'll keep it clean...

But as others have said, everyone's situation is different and communication is key.

I am guessing that there are many on PS that have erings that are mulitples of the average $5,200 ering cost.

For me, I know the amount of sentiment created and time and money spent (I won't say invested), any talk of upgrades from the SO for the next 10 years will cause me a bit of irritation...(and honey if you are reading, replace "the next 10 years" with "in your lifetime"

 

[D&T]

My hubby is against me changing/touching my original diamond engagement ring (even though the diamond is poorly cut and the setting is a little too snug now - he won't let me even reset the stone into a pendant that I might wear more frequently) so I still have the original diamond in its original setting, however, he doesn't mind me getting any new rings for future anniversaries. Maybe your DH is a little like mine? I didn't upgrade (aquire) a new ring until our 5th wedding anniversary.

 

[Amys Bling]

My hubby is against me changing/touching my original diamond engagement ring (even though the diamond is poorly cut and the setting is a little too snug now - he won't let me even reset the stone into a pendant that I might wear more frequently) so I still have the original diamond in its original setting, however, he doesn't mind me getting any new rings for future anniversaries. Maybe your DH is a little like mine? I didn't upgrade (aquire) a new ring until our 5th wedding anniversary.

Sorry to threadjack-- I don't think I've seen your original!