Deeply sad I will not have a daughter.

[ChinaCat]

Good points all around.

I also think it has something to do with your life being defined. When you're younger, everything is a possibility. What job you will have, who you will marry, where you will live, how many kids (if at all), etc. The more choices you make, the more defined your life is, and there's little to wonder about (of the big choices, I mean).

I only have one son and I was thrilled to have him. I didn't care if he was a boy or a girl. That being said, we plan on having #2 and I will admit that I will be sad if I don't have a daughter. I won't be sad to have another boy (I LOVE boys), but I will be sad to miss out on having a daughter. I am very close to my mom, I am a daughter and it seems alien to me to NOT experience that.

Then again, if we had a boy and a girl, I would be sad that they wouldn't have brothers or sisters. Meaning 2 boys or 2 girls. I love having a sister and think it's a unique bond. But I can't have it all!

When I had my son I remember thinking it was strange that that was one more part of my identity revealed. Like I am a mother. I am a mother of a son. Not a girl, not twins. Once we are done, there will be a wistfulness to the ending of the dreaming about what life will be like one day. Make sense?

 

[FrekeChild]

I wanted a girl. I'm having a girl. Woot! But I still wonder what I'll miss by not having a boy...

I have two cousins. Female & male. Male is a doctor. Female married a VP of a really big corporation.
Male got married, had a daughter. Wanted a son. Had another daughter. Still wanted a son. Third baby--daughter. STILL wanted a son. Fourth baby? SON. FINALLY. He said that he and his wife would have kept having children until they had a son...

Female got married, had a son. Wanted a daughter. Had another son. Wanted a daughter. Third baby? Son. She still wanted a daughter. Fourth baby? Son. She gave up. She had been a professional ballerina for many years, had the big princess wedding, was about as girly as you can get...

I think it really does have something to do with your own childhood. And I'd really have NO IDEA how to deal with a boy, I had next to no experience with them when I was younger. I'm looking forward to her teenage years, and desperately hoping that she inherits her father's laid-back attitude and DOES NOT inherit my stubbornness!

 

[Dreamer_D]

I'm starting to wonder if some small part of gender preference has to do with your own childhood and your own bond with your mom/dad. I have a boy and was ELATED to know he was a he. We plan to have another one, and if it's a girl, awesome. If it's a boy, awesome. If I had had 2 girls, I would have been so so so sad. I always wanted a boy. Having said that, my relationship with my mom is so so. My relationship with my dad is the best you could ask for. Hmmmmm.....I never thought about it before reading this thread. I guess I always figured it was more forward thinking. Such as, I can't wait to dress her up in cute clothes and put bows in her hair and have special salon days with her.

Lanie I had a very strong preference for a boy with my first. My desire for a girl did not really develop until I was pregnant with my second and my sadness over not having a daughter did not really emerge until later still. I did not grow up with a father, not sure where my preference for a boy the first time came from

ETA: Wanting a girl really came in part from sharing the birth experience with my mom, and thinking about how I want to have that one day with my own daughter.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Good points all around.

I also think it has something to do with your life being defined. When you're younger, everything is a possibility. What job you will have, who you will marry, where you will live, how many kids (if at all), etc. The more choices you make, the more defined your life is, and there's little to wonder about (of the big choices, I mean).

I only have one son and I was thrilled to have him. I didn't care if he was a boy or a girl. That being said, we plan on having #2 and I will admit that I will be sad if I don't have a daughter. I won't be sad to have another boy (I LOVE boys), but I will be sad to miss out on having a daughter. I am very close to my mom, I am a daughter and it seems alien to me to NOT experience that.

Then again, if we had a boy and a girl, I would be sad that they wouldn't have brothers or sisters. Meaning 2 boys or 2 girls. I love having a sister and think it's a unique bond. But I can't have it all!

When I had my son I remember thinking it was strange that that was one more part of my identity revealed. Like I am a mother. I am a mother of a son. Not a girl, not twins. Once we are done, there will be a wistfulness to the ending of the dreaming about what life will be like one day. Make sense?

Total sense, and I think you are right about things being defined. I also feel old now that I have two kids and won't likely have more. I feel my mortality. Yup, ball of sunshine, that is me

 

[Dreamer_D]

I wanted a girl. I'm having a girl. Woot! But I still wonder what I'll miss by not having a boy...

I have two cousins. Female & male. Male is a doctor. Female married a VP of a really big corporation.
Male got married, had a daughter. Wanted a son. Had another daughter. Still wanted a son. Third baby--daughter. STILL wanted a son. Fourth baby? SON. FINALLY. He said that he and his wife would have kept having children until they had a son...

Female got married, had a son. Wanted a daughter. Had another son. Wanted a daughter. Third baby? Son. She still wanted a daughter. Fourth baby? Son. She gave up. She had been a professional ballerina for many years, had the big princess wedding, was about as girly as you can get...

I think it really does have something to do with your own childhood. And I'd really have NO IDEA how to deal with a boy, I had next to no experience with them when I was younger. I'm looking forward to her teenage years, and desperately hoping that she inherits her father's laid-back attitude and DOES NOT inherit my stubbornness!

Doncha know stubborn is a dominant trait? Emerges around 2.5 years. That's how old my son is, and he is my stubborn pig headed twin.

 

[Laila619]

This is totally normal I think. I wanted a boy so badly, and luckily I got one. I would have been really sad if I had not gotten my boy. However, it doesn't mean I would love the child(ren) I was given any less. If I had three girls, I'd still be thrilled, but it's normal to mourn the loss of a dream. Anyway, I suspect you may still have baby number three, Dreamer.

 

[Jennifer W]

I totally understand! I only have one child, but if that child had been a son, we would most likely have had more. I have a terrible relationship with my mother, so I don't know where this comes from, but having a daughter was the biggest thing in the world to me by about 6 months into my pregnancy, although I'd have said 'no preference' if you'd asked me before that. My scan at 20 weeks said 'boy' and while I wasn't sad to be having a son, I was very, very sad indeed not to be having a daughter (if that makes sense). Our daughter was therefore something of a surprise!

If you had another child, it might be a girl. 50 - 50 chance each time, you know. (I know, it isn't quite that simple...)

 

[diamondringlover]

I do understand, I have 2 boys age 25 and 14, I love them more then life itself, but dang I wished I had a girl somewhere along the way...it depresses me to think that I will never get someone who like to shop with me, never get to shop for a prom dress or help to plan a wedding, I sometimes get really depressed when I think about it...but on the upside I have @ wonderful sons I couldnt ask for better kids, so I do count my blessings everyday.....

 

[Dreamer_D]

I dreamed last nigth I was pregnant with our third child when Ryder was only 9mo, and it was a girl.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

I would so not be surprised if that came true

 

[gardengloves]

I dreamed last nigth I was pregnant with our third child when Ryder was only 9mo, and it was a girl.

You are giving me shivers up the spine... she is whispering in your ear. waiting in the wings.

 

[Bliss]

Dreamer, I totally understand how you feel! I have wanted a girl my whole life. It has been my dream to have a daughter and share all of the wonderful things I experienced with my own mother. There are so many things between a mother and daughter that are truly special, fun and life changing. That having been stated, there are so many thing between a mother and son that are amaaaaaaaazing! Something about boys - they are so snuggly and sweet as tots and then they grow up to be so protective of their moms. It's so cute.

I would LOVE to have a boy next (even though I'm secretly also cheering for another girl!)... Mostly, I want a boy so I can give DH those wonderful father-son experiences. It just melts my heart to see DH with our daughter. He couldn't love her more. But I would also love to see him enjoy our son and do guy things. I don't know. Both of us agree on one thing - most boys we've seen kind of detatch from their nuclear families once they get married. I think it's a natural thing so I will make sure to let him go and raise him with all my love knowing that I am raising someone's amazing and loving husband. I've seen too many moms without daughters cling to their sons and it has caused a real rift in their relationships with them. DH's mom was a really clingy person because she didn't have anything else in her life so her son was her WORLD. Once DH graduated college, it was so painful for him that he kept *emotional* contact to a minimum, even though he was an incredible son - supported her financially, was involved in her life and helped out in any way she needed. He kind of loved her from afar in his heart, if that makes sense. But in other ways, he was truly THERE for her. He just didn't want her to try to swallow his soul again or get jealous of him having a relationship with another woman. Sigh. Poor woman.

Then I came along and they have a much better relationship. I just adore her. I see her for the wounded bird she is and I appreciate a lot about her. Ahhh, I know this is an overshare, but just wanted to say that I *am* a real daughter to her. And she often says I am the daughter she dreamed of but never got to have until now. I would totally love to have her live with us and take care of her when she gets older. I love her dearly. I shop with her, I watch DWTS just because she likes it so we can discuss it every week and I enjoy making her happy in little ways. She's like my own mother but not quite - my own mom gets called every day (sometimes a few times a day) and we romp and crack up over everything. We even wrestle sometimes! There have been times we've laughed so hard over something that I have fallen down in the street! We are that crazy together!!! We tell each other everything. She is my sun, moon and stars. We're best friends in every way. I really want this kind of relationship with my baby girl one day. It has been so rich and rewarding. And it has made my life so beautiful and meaningful.

My brother was loved just as much as I was but once he had a serious relationship, rarely called home. We are very close as a family but once he got married, it was buh-bye! I have to call and remind him it's Mother's Day. I have to remind him to send mom a gift on her birthday. Yep. So I'm not harboring any unrealistic expectations there! If I get an amazing relationship with my son, that will be a bonus! But seeing how DH has really integrated into my family and treats my own mom so well... it just seems that most families I've seen take their cues from the woman of the house. And that is me, the daughter. Someday that will be little M! Hopefully we will be close and I will get to share in my grandchildren's lives the way my mother has. I wanted to share my daughter with her so much before we knew she was a girl. My mom was there for the birth and thanks me every day for it. She said she saw the Infinite with all of its stars, was suspended in time and space...and is forever on bended knee before God and the Universe. That's how amazing it was for her to see a baby being born! Awwww.

If we don't have a boy, I will mourn DH not having a son. I bet that is hard for men not to have a son. Some of my friends said they would have mourned having a girl instead of a boy. So it is very real. I told DH from the moment we met that I would have 10 kids if that's what it took to have a girl. Maybe 20 kids. Duggars, watch out! I feel for you, Dreamer. Because I know it would have broken my heart, too. I would have mourned it deeply, even with amazing healthy beautiful boys. Boys are so great, too! Awwww....but I truly understand. Maybe like Bella says...you might have another? I would LOVE to have three kids! But I am TOO darn old!!!!! GAH! 35 now!!!!!! AND I FEEL IT, TOO! Where is my granny emotie?

 

[partgypsy]

I was going to say, you are not too old! I had my first at 35, my second at 39. But I hear you. I feel OLD. I was like, why did I wait so long? It was nice to have all that me time but if my kids wait as long as I do, don't know if I'll see my hypothetical grandkids!

 

[Bliss]

I was going to say, you are not too old! I had my first at 35, my second at 39. But I hear you. I feel OLD. I was like, why did I wait so long? It was nice to have all that me time but if my kids wait as long as I do, don't know if I'll see my hypothetical grandkids!

Thanks, Part Gypsy! But having a kid in my thirties...being up all night with her in the early months... I FELT OLD! I felt older than ZEUS! Heck, I WAS ZEUS!!!!!!!!!! I felt like, "Gee, I know now why the female body is meant to have babies in one's TEENAGE YEARS!" Too bad we aren't mature enough then, though. If I could do it all over again, I'd start around 27 and have three! GAAAH!

I *HAVE* to work out... my mom is 62 and FIT. Slammin' size 2 body, gorgeous and strong. Mentally sharp and has the build of a long lean dancer from all her years being athletic and badazzed. In contrast, DH's mom is only a few years older than that and A-N-C-I-E-N-T! Creeps around, is heartbreakingly frail and has the bones of a sparrow. She could be MY mom's MOM.

What is the one key difference? My mom has worked out every day of her life and eats healthy organic food. Runs 6 miles a day, lifts weights and does ZUMBA! DH's mom barely leaves the couch and eats sweets. I have to force my cooking upon her to get her to eat organic veggies! Because of her, I have vowed to work out every day of my life in some way so that when I am a geriatric, I can be strong and fit. I want to be able to run after my grandkids like my mom, who can outlast me. Thanks for the reminder! I'm going to go jog up and down the stairs now!!!! Woof woof!!!!! I especially have to do this because I'm going to be an older mom! Yowza!!!! You rock, Part Gypsy! You give me hope that I can do this!!!!

 

[partgypsy]

Well Bliss if you decide to do it, no use in waiting! That is awesome about your mom! Unfortunately my mother is a total couch potato and I incline that way. I also have the kind of body that for many years I didn't need to do anything to look like I was in shape even if I wasn't. But at some point, it catches up to you. I am no means a jock but when I was expecting I walked every day and did my prenatal yoga and also a Kathy Smith prenatal video. I really did feel being in better physical shape helped me get through the labors (both natural). There was some tv personality that said something like "I treat my body like a Ferrari". Kind of humorous but I agree with the sentiment, even if I don't always follow it.

One of the great things about kids is they can inspire you to be a better person than you may be under "normal" circumstances.

 

[makemepretty]

There is something so cool about being the only female in a house full of men! Embrace that.

I have two sons and I am thrilled to be the queen of the house. Now, my sister wanted a girl so bad that after two boys that she had sperm spinning. She wanted a girl to grow up and be best friends with. Ironic since my mother and her do not get along at all. She did get her girl.

I can honestly say I have never felt that desire. I have tons of nieces to spoil and buy girly pink things for. They come over and we bake cupcakes, I will buy them jewelry, etc. Plus, someday I'll have daughter in laws to spoil.

 

[iota15]

Dreamer, I know I'm a little late to this thread. I haven't been checking PS as often.

I completely emphathize with how you feel, and if I had to be honest, I fear having that feeling when we do have children. I haven't made my yearning for a daughter a secret. However, both of our families are filled with boys. My mother has six brothers!! She was the youngest, and my grandmother had to "chase through" six boys to get her. And this wasn't the only incidence of women chasing for a daughter in my family. A number of whom never had the chance to have a daughter.

I'm sure, of course, I would love all the sons I'm blessed to have. I do want a daughter though - and it saddens me to think that won't happen for me.

 

[iota15]

I don't know - I don't want a daughter so I can dress her up and do princessy things with. In fact, I hope to have a daughter so I can show her the strength the women in my family have shown me. Oh well... we'll see.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Thanks to everyone who posted. I appreciate the sympathy and empathy. I have been feeling better about not having a daughter recently, mostly because I have been run ragged by the two I have and the thought of a third is... crazy talk right now I suppose you never know what the future holds. Maybe I will have that close intimate bond I have with my mom, with one (or both) of my sons. Maybe I will have a daughter in law who treats me like a true mom, unlike my own relationship with my MIL which is very good, but certainly not as intimate as my relationship with my own mother.

Still, I do have dreams of the little girl we could have had, and see her face. My mom always believed that she was meant to have me. I wonder if that is the case for all parents? I am not a spiritual person, but the act of creation involved in having kids does get me thinking about these things in a way I don't think about them ordinarily.

 

[TravelingGal]

Dreamer, I'm late to this thread too, but wanted to give you hugs, and that I agree that what you feel is normal.

My husband just scheduled his vasectomy for January. I always wanted a girl, and am really happy to stop now. I don't want a boy (never did, except "for" my husband) and part of me is sad that TGuy will never know what it's like to have a son. I keep asking him if he's sure, but he is. He loves Amelia and doesn't seem to be bothered by not having a son.

If I could be guaranteed to give him a son, I may have thought about it. But as much as I wanted ONE girl, the thought of TWO of them gave me night terrors.

 

[Lottie]

I understand the longing for a girl. When I was pregnant with Neve I was desparate for her to be a girl, I didn't tell anyone this and whenever anyone asked what I wanted I always gave the stock "we don't mind at all!" answer. I couldn't see myself with a boy at all and in quiet moments it panicked me that I might be disappointed if I had a boy, we chose not to find out the sex of the baby until the birth. When she came along we were elated, I felt so lucky to have a girl and genuinely thought that I was just programmed to have girls.

When I fell pregnant again I assumed it was a girl - would have bet money on it, we decided to find out at the twenty week scan and when she said boy my jaw dropped in amazement. We had to stop off on the way home after the scan to buy a blue blanket and blue outfit just so that I could take in that I was not going to be ballet, tap and screaming girls day in day out. After a couple of hours I realised that it mattered not one jot what sex my baby was and that all my assumptions were rubbish, I went nuts for duck egg blue and dinosaur prints and when my gorgeous (huge - 9lb 4oz) Henry arrived, we were just as elated as when Neve arrived (she was in a terrible mood about the whole thing!).

My husband has since confessed that when we found out I was pregnant with Henry he had really hoped it was a boy.

 

[lizzyann]

Dreamer, I was wondering how you are feeling about this these days. Having just had my second son (who is truly a blessing and a godsend), I can totally relate that feeling of finality and the wonder about having a third baby. I don't long for a girl right now, but I long for that mother daughter relationship in the future. Just wondering your thoughts today on it.

 

[CatLuver]

I wanted to add to this thread as well. I also have one son and just found out our 2nd will also be a boy. While I am so grateful for another healthy (knock on wood) baby, and I love my son more than anything, I am also mourning not having a girl. I have imagined myself being a mom to girls ever since I was a little girl. Not so much for dressing them up and going to the ballet, but for having that mother-daughter relationship, helping her become a strong girl and woman and being there for her in a way my mother was not, being there for her for her wedding, pregnancy and babies...like Bliss and others have said, having a grown son just isn't the same (generally). There is that cultural norm for sons to become detached from their parents once they get married and I don't see it being easy for mother-son to have the kind of relationship many of you describe you have with your mothers ("best friend," talking daily about anything and everything, being intimately involved with preparation and birth of grandchildren, etc.). That is what makes me sad. That there is a time limit on us having this wonderful, close, mother-son relationship. It actually brings tears to my eyes. Some will say there's always the possibility of having that with your daughter-in-law, but there are just so many variables there.

We both want a girl so badly, we will probably try for a 3rd, but if we have another boy, I will be very sad (to not have a girl).

 

[Laila619]

CatLuver, congratulations on baby number 2!! Two boys will be so much fun! They will probably be best buds.

I just had a daughter, and while I am so happy, I am also a little sad that my son didn't get a little brother to play with and grow up with. I really thought I would have two boys. I don't think brother and sister relationships are as close as same sex siblings. Anyway, I think it's normal to mourn the loss of a dream, and it doesn't mean that you are ungrateful for what you do have. I find myself already thinking of a third baby, because I want to have two of the same sex either way.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Sorry I missed your post in August, Lizzy.

My younger son is now 16 months so i have had a while to adjust to things. I think the process has been like any process where you have to adjust your plans and dreams around a new reality. I think the "mourning" did not last too long. I am still a little disappointed a most likely will not experience parenting a daughter, but it doesn't hurt or feel so much like a loss. I am focusing on raising boys who will be wonderful, loving, giving husbands to their future partners -- like their Daddy Some sons have very intimate relationshps with their moms and maybe I will be one of those lucky ones.

I will say for those of you who just had a second boy that you better get ready for the energy explosion! Two boys is like living in a nuclear reactor: Their energy could fuel the world if we could harness it!

 

[I Love My Sailor]

I am not a mother, so I cant weigh in too much on your situation because I cant say that I know exactly how your feeling. Just try to remember that there are women like "me" who for some reason or another, God decided.... no children are in our future. Sons or Daughters. Now that's a horrible feeling.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

I Love My Sailor-I am sorry that you are grieving not being able to give birth to a child. I understand how deep that pain can be and how hard it can be to hear conversations about gender when you would desperately love to have a child.

One of the great things about Pricescope is that we all can talk about our experiences. There have been threads on infertility and extended efforts at trying to conceive (for many of us on the TTC 6 months+ thread it has been years). if you are trying to conceive, come join us over there. If you want more conversations about infertility or grieving not having a child, please start one, I am sure that several people will join in.

I am blessed beyond belief to be a mother to the world's most incredible little boy (I am biased, but he really is amazing!). He joined our family through adoption when he was almost 3 and I would not ever trade him for any other child, genetically related to me or not. He is my son and we are indelibly connected as a family.

I hope that he will have siblings (through birth or adoption or both but know that I am so blessed to be his mom regardless of how many other children may or may not join our family.

Getting pregnant is not the only way to become a mother and sometimes children don't join families as teeny tiny babies. Adoption is not right for everyone, but it can be a beautiful, challenging, life-altering, and incomparable way to build your family.

 

[mama_monkey]

Hi Dreamer,
It seems like you're kind of "over" your grief by now, but I wanted to sent hugs and pipe in with my experience, FWIW. . .

I began ttc when I was 31 and then did IVF 3 times (conceived but miscarried with a blighted ovum the 2d time) and had twin boys at age 37. I had always wanted girls, as I have one sister with whom I'm close; my mom has 3 sisters (and 1 bro, but she's close to the sisters). Had a gut feeling I'd have one boy but was genuinely surprised I ended up with 2 boys.

Didn't let myself feel disappointed about having 2 boys, esp. given that it was a miracle I was able to bear any children at all (though infertility was "unexplained"). And, it turns out having 2 of the same sex is really awesome in terms of them playing together now.

So, for the first 2+ years, even though I had initial residual sadness at having no daughters, I was just so dang busy with the boys that I had no time to fret. They were such a handful together! But then, esp. after the 2 year mark, I began to pray for a daughter -- so, I never prayed for another child, just another *daughter* lol. Still, after 6 years of ttc with invasive measures and barely succeeding, it seemed ridiculous to hope for such a thing (and, conversely, it seemed ridiculous to use contraception. . .)

anyways, as you might suspect, we did end up pregnant, and I gave birth to a little girl at the age of 40. She's about 7+ months now. -- and we're delighting in her, b/c she's a different experience (not TWINS, also now a veteran mom, so not so afraid).

soooo i bring all of this up to say that in my experience, your attitude toward future children changes as your children's ages/stages change. You might feel super ready for #3 in a year or so.

And I know one of my friends actually had her husband's sperm centrifuged to up her chances of having a girl for #3. I understand that either the X or Y chromosome is lighter than the other, so you can skew the odds in your favor this way. I'm told it only costs a few thousand dollars, so it might be something to think about.

As for cost. . . Heck, if I weren't 41 and we were making a tad more $$, DH and I would be up for #4! (We wish the girl could have a sister. . .) I wonder about this a lot. I was able to travel extensively during my teenage years, went skiing every winter, (we didn't need to "summer" anywhere b/c we lived in so-cal!), and best of all was able to go to college and post-college (tho public schools) without incurring debt. I mean, we weren't super rich or anything, but they were able to provide for me and my sister in a way that doesn't seem possible for my own little guys. . .

oy. I'm blathering, but basically -- boys get easier, and there are options if you still think you want a girl a year or two down the line!

 

[Puppmom]

Dreamer, I missed this thread up until now and only read the last page of responses. DH has a very close relationship with his mom (or his mommy as he calls her...sshhh!). He's one of three and the other two are girls. They are not nearly as close to her as he is. There's totally hope!

 

[Puppmom]

You know, I thought about this a little more and I realized that what might be more disappointing than not having a girl is having one but not having the mother/daughter relationship you had hoped for. MIL is pretty obviously disappointed with the relationship she has with her daughters. One barely speaks to her and one is distancing herself as she struggles to find independence. She's not mature enough (even though she's 32!) to know that you don't have to distance yourself from your parents to gain independence. She moved several hundred miles away and is in a crappy relationship. She really is an awesome person - super laid back, tons of fun and REALLY smart. She's just very immature and not interested in the same things as MIL - AT ALL.

I can totally sense MIL's sadness about the relationship they do have. MIL was and is a very engaged parent and probably wonders where she went wrong with her girls. Whatever she did worked well for DH! He always expresses how grateful he is for his parents and he loves to spend time with them.