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Dealing with a friend's abusive husband

FightGravity

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 26, 2015
Messages
240
diamondseeker2006|1468081988|4053592 said:
Help me understand one thing. If my husband tried to do that, I'd just get out of bed if he didn't stop. So are you saying he was either threatening her with harm or physically restraining her to force her to have sex? Because that is rape. Staying in bed and giving in to having sex when you really don't want to is not. The first is abuse and she should leave immediately if that is the case.

I don't think he was directly threatening her with harm. However, imagine yourself in the following situation (apologies in advance for graphic description):

Your partner tries to initiate anal sex. You say, "I don't like that" and move away.

He comes toward you and does it again, you say, "I don't like that" and move away.

He pushes inside you, and you freeze and don't stop him.


Do you feel raped? I would.

If someone said, "I don't like that" to me, I WOULD STOP.
 

Tacori E-ring

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 15, 2005
Messages
20,041
FightGravity|1468014088|4053334 said:
Tacori, I totally agree. She is being victimized, and needs support and empathy. I don't see being the victim of partner violence as being the same as addiction, nor do I see empathic listening in either situation as being enabling.

I've told her that I can't be around him, because I am too angry, that she doesn't deserve to be treated like this, and said that if this isn't the last straw, what is? I don't think I have to abandon the friendship because she is being abused. I do worry that setting the appropriate boundaries regarding her husband will ultimately destroy my relationship with her, but I don't think I have another viable option at this point.

I think setting that boundary is more than appropriate. Yes, you are taking a risk that she will end your friendship. It is very hurtful (I know from experience) when friends try to get you to pick them over your husband. Though I am sure that is not your intention, it may feel that way. You are a good friend and she will remember that. Support HER and her feelings. Avoid comments about his actions or character. At least that is my advice...
 
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