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Dealing with a friend's abusive husband

FightGravity

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 26, 2015
Messages
240
One of my best friends recently told me that her husband had sex with her without her consent - she told him no twice, and he continued. This comes at the end of many years of him obsessively playing video games and being emotionally checked out and at least one (probably many) instances of not-fully-consensual sex. Because my friend had an affair recently (they have been trying to get past it, with little success) she seems to feel that on some level she deserves this.

I can't look him in the eye. I feel that this is inexcusable, no matter what she did, and I don't want to be around him. Our kids are the same age, and we used to socialize regularly, but I now find myself avoiding situations where he might be present.

How can I continue to be there for my friend without having to be around her rapist? I am so sad for her, and so angry at him. She is not ready to leave him.
 

Dancing Fire

Super_Ideal_Rock
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FightGravity|1467739051|4051654 said:
One of my best friends recently told me that her husband had sex with her without her consent - she told him no twice, and he continued. This comes at the end of many years of him obsessively playing video games and being emotionally checked out and at least one (probably many) instances of not-fully-consensual sex. Because my friend had an affair recently (they have been trying to get past it, with little success) she seems to feel that on some level she deserves this.

I can't look him in the eye. I feel that this is inexcusable, no matter what she did, and I don't want to be around him. Our kids are the same age, and we used to socialize regularly, but I now find myself avoiding situations where he might be present.

How can I continue to be there for my friend without having to be around her rapist? I am so sad for her, and so angry at him. She is not ready to leave him.
:errrr: ..So, she is OK with having sex with another man but not her husband?.. :confused:
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
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Until she is ready to get help or leave him there really isn't much you can do apart from let her know that you are there for her and listen without judgement. This is a horrifying situation but you want her to keep talking and I'm afraid if you say too much she might shut down.

She might lack confidence, perhaps the affair was an attempt at starting to build herself up, albeit not the best way but if you can find small ways of building her confidence she might start to realize how dysfunctional this relationship is and eventually leave him. Maybe get her out and do things with her that you both enjoy. I am not an expert but if she knows people genuinely care and perhaps she has some sort of support system that might help.
 

Niel

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Dancing Fire|1467739705|4051660 said:
FightGravity|1467739051|4051654 said:
One of my best friends recently told me that her husband had sex with her without her consent - she told him no twice, and he continued. This comes at the end of many years of him obsessively playing video games and being emotionally checked out and at least one (probably many) instances of not-fully-consensual sex. Because my friend had an affair recently (they have been trying to get past it, with little success) she seems to feel that on some level she deserves this.

I can't look him in the eye. I feel that this is inexcusable, no matter what she did, and I don't want to be around him. Our kids are the same age, and we used to socialize regularly, but I now find myself avoiding situations where he might be present.

How can I continue to be there for my friend without having to be around her rapist? I am so sad for her, and so angry at him. She is not ready to leave him.
:errrr: ..So, she is OK with having sex with another man but not her husband?.. :confused:
Holy hell this is offensive.

She can have sex with whomever she wants. If he doesn't like that he can end it, he cannot rape her.
 

FightGravity

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 26, 2015
Messages
240
Dancing Fire|1467739705|4051660 said:
FightGravity|1467739051|4051654 said:
One of my best friends recently told me that her husband had sex with her without her consent - she told him no twice, and he continued. This comes at the end of many years of him obsessively playing video games and being emotionally checked out and at least one (probably many) instances of not-fully-consensual sex. Because my friend had an affair recently (they have been trying to get past it, with little success) she seems to feel that on some level she deserves this.

I can't look him in the eye. I feel that this is inexcusable, no matter what she did, and I don't want to be around him. Our kids are the same age, and we used to socialize regularly, but I now find myself avoiding situations where he might be present.

How can I continue to be there for my friend without having to be around her rapist? I am so sad for her, and so angry at him. She is not ready to leave him.
:errrr: ..So, she is OK with having sex with another man but not her husband?.. :confused:

I hope this is a very, very misguided attempt to be funny.

Marriage is not consent. I really, REALLY hope you understand that.
 

Dancing Fire

Super_Ideal_Rock
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So one is a rapist and the one is a cheater? carry on ladies...
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
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Dancing Fire|1467745069|4051704 said:
So one is a rapist and the one is a cheater? carry on ladies...
I really don't mean to be inflammatory but the affair is really a moot point. So she is a cheater, lot of people cheat but it doesn't mean that she should have to endure sexual abuse. It doesn't make her less of a person and it's possible she wouldn't have cheated if she was in a loving and respectful relationship.

She needs to leave him anyways the affair is really irrelevant when you are married to a rapist. Just my two cents.
 

liaerfbv

Brilliant_Rock
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1,247
Dancing Fire|1467745069|4051704 said:
So one is a rapist and the one is a cheater? carry on ladies...

You are a garbage pile of a human being.
 

ruby59

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 5, 2004
Messages
3,553
OP, you mention you have children but did not say how old they were.

If they were mine, I would not let them within 1,000 feet of that creature.

You never know with that type of male.
 

Queenie60

Ideal_Rock
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4,274
I feel awful for her situation. I would suggest therapy to a friend to help them deal with this. Wishing your friend peace.
 

Kaleigh

Super_Ideal_Rock
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DF

STOP. One is rape plain and simple.

Affair was out of marriage but both consented...

Totally different!!! :angryfire:
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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33,942
Oh what an awful situation for your friend and her children. I hope she decides to leave him and take the children and start a new healthier life. Of course you cannot make her do anything and I am so sorry for her and her kids and this terrible situation.

Be there for her but I agree that I wouldn't want my children visiting her kids and be in a situation where he might be around. No thank you.

And DF, I am sure you know that was rape and that is NEVER OK no matter what. NEVER OK. And an affair is a totally different story and you cannot compare the 2.

I also agree with Queenie. Can you suggest to your friend she find a therapist who can help her deal with this situation and figure out the best way out?

Sending good thoughts and positive vibes her way.
 

telephone89

Ideal_Rock
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There are some f*cked up people in the world (and on this thread...). You can of COURSE be there for her without being around him. Invite her + kids out to coffee/park/play date. The kids can play and you can be with her. Organize a girls night so she can leave the kid and have some Adult time.

I'd probably avoid him too. I wouldn't go over to their house or invite THEM over (I'd still invite her if he was working or whatever). I think being there to support her is really important especially when she's confiding in you.
 

monarch64

Super_Ideal_Rock
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17,757
I think therapy is definitely in order, of course. I also think you'd be wise to offer her support but be very firm about the fact that this is marital rape and you are not comfortable spending any time in his presence, nor will your children be doing so. She does need to hear encouraging words from you, though. While she may never leave him there is always the chance that your words at this time may stick with her in the long term and when she is ready to leave she will have your vote of confidence in her arsenal. I would gently pull back but also make sure she knows that you think she matters and other people truly care about her, and that she is worth it and deserving of love.

DF, your words are really hurtful and while you are right on a lot of things you are dead wrong in this case. What you said was not nice, and I feel embarrassed for you. If only compassion could be purchased like watches or diamonds.
 

FightGravity

Shiny_Rock
Joined
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Messages
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DF, I hope you realize how hurtful your words are.

Thanks for all the kind words of support from everyone else. I have said to her that this is rape, and abuse, and that she deserves better, and that I can't be around him right now because I am too angry. She is in therapy with a therapist who seems fantastic. I think she will eventually leave him. But I think it will take a very, very long time.

My instinct is to never have me or the kids see him again. But this means never letting my kids go to their birthday parties, and not inviting them to ours, since he would probably show up. Our kids are really close. Her daughter is my daughter's oldest friend.

I am torn whether to say something to him directly. But I worry that that would have major negative ramifications for her and her safety/sanity.

It sucks either way :(
 

Niel

Super_Ideal_Rock
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DF doesn't care. Rape culture loves to find excuses for rape.
 

ruby59

Ideal_Rock
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How old are your children.

Right now I would worry more about finding a way to tell them why they cannot be with their best friends anymore.

And since I do not know their age, I do not know if you have had that talk with them yet.

I do not envy you.
 

telephone89

Ideal_Rock
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I would not say anything directly to him. That sounds like it could seriously endanger the wife.
 

Dancing Fire

Super_Ideal_Rock
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monarch64|1467749271|4051733 said:
I think therapy is definitely in order, of course. I also think you'd be wise to offer her support but be very firm about the fact that this is marital rape and you are not comfortable spending any time in his presence, nor will your children be doing so. She does need to hear encouraging words from you, though. While she may never leave him there is always the chance that your words at this time may stick with her in the long term and when she is ready to leave she will have your vote of confidence in her arsenal. I would gently pull back but also make sure she knows that you think she matters and other people truly care about her, and that she is worth it and deserving of love.

DF, your words are really hurtful and while you are right on a lot of things you are dead wrong in this case. What you said was not nice, and I feel embarrassed for you. If only compassion could be purchased like watches or diamonds.
They need to see a divorce Attorney not a Therapist.
 

azstonie

Ideal_Rock
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telephone89|1467758350|4051781 said:
I would not say anything directly to him. That sounds like it could seriously endanger the wife.
X2.

Don't set off any bombs you don't have the training and equipment to deal with.

In fact, DO NOTHING. Your friend needed to tell someone and you provided that relational attachment. You stepped up. Until she is ready to remove herself from what is by most of our standards a dangerous situation, you can only accelerate or worsen things. Its their relationship, you can't manage it for them. You did the supportive friend aspect by listening and providing empathy.
 

FightGravity

Shiny_Rock
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My kids are 2 and 4. Too little to explain it to.

I'm a therapist, and could potentially address it sensitively with him. But even at my most therapist-y, I can't think of a great way to tell him he is no longer welcome at my house that does not lead him to retaliate against my friend.

Which leaves her stuck in the middle having to tell him he can't come. Which feels crappy, since it's my choice, not hers.
 

Maria D

Brilliant_Rock
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Everyone is piling on DF as if he said that she deserves to be raped because she cheated. That's not what he said. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that he had the same kind of reaction that I did - that both of these people kind of suck, even though it's for different reasons at different degrees. He's a rapist and she's a cheater. I would not continue to be close friends with a woman who confided this to me (the cheating, not the raping). Maybe I'm wrong, but this doesn't sound like one of those typical cases where a woman has reasons not to leave a dangerous abuser. It sounds like she's in a marriage that basically died and she could leave without being harmed, but doesn't want to give up the status quo. Hence the affair - instead of doing the hard work of getting out of bad marriage and protecting your children, distract yourself with an affair.
 

Calliecake

Ideal_Rock
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I would also not go anywhere near your friends husband or let my children near him. I wouldnt say anything to him as it could make things worse for your friend. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Hopefully the therapist your friend is seeing will help her see she needs to leave this man.
 

anne_h

Brilliant_Rock
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Hmmm, I would not want to be forced or bullied to let someone else use my body, even IF I had cheated, shoplifted, lied, skipped work, or did anything else generally considered to be unsavory.

My two cents.

Anne
 

anne_h

Brilliant_Rock
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BTW, totally agree it's up to the friend to decide if/when to leave her abusive marriage. It really has to come from her. I hope she does.

Anne
 

Dancing Fire

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Maria D|1467766604|4051831 said:
Everyone is piling on DF as if he said that she deserves to be raped because she cheated. That's not what he said. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that he had the same kind of reaction that I did - that both of these people kind of suck, even though it's for different reasons at different degrees. He's a rapist and she's a cheater. I would not continue to be close friends with a woman who confided this to me (the cheating, not the raping). Maybe I'm wrong, but this doesn't sound like one of those typical cases where a woman has reasons not to leave a dangerous abuser. It sounds like she's in a marriage that basically died and she could leave without being harmed, but doesn't want to give up the status quo. Hence the affair - instead of doing the hard work of getting out of bad marriage and protecting your children, distract yourself with an affair.
Thank you Maria.. :wavey: Exactly what I was trying to say!
 

FightGravity

Shiny_Rock
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I totally agree that having an affair was bad behavior.

At the same time, if I felt trapped in a marriage (because of kids, financial instability, belief that I can't do any better) plus years of emotionally and physically absent partner and "grey" rape....idk. I can see how it could get to that point.

I'm not as close with her as I was before the affair. But I hate to distance myself now, when she needs some support to get out of this mess.

I feel so torn.
 

House Cat

Ideal_Rock
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FightGravity|1467772445|4051885 said:
I totally agree that having an affair was bad behavior.

At the same time, if I felt trapped in a marriage (because of kids, financial instability, belief that I can't do any better) plus years of emotionally and physically absent partner and "grey" rape....idk. I can see how it could get to that point.

I'm not as close with her as I was before the affair. But I hate to distance myself now, when she needs some support to get out of this mess.

I feel so torn.

What in the world is "grey" rape?
 

liaerfbv

Brilliant_Rock
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Maria D|1467766604|4051831 said:
Everyone is piling on DF as if he said that she deserves to be raped because she cheated. That's not what he said. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that he had the same kind of reaction that I did - that both of these people kind of suck, even though it's for different reasons at different degrees. He's a rapist and she's a cheater. I would not continue to be close friends with a woman who confided this to me (the cheating, not the raping). Maybe I'm wrong, but this doesn't sound like one of those typical cases where a woman has reasons not to leave a dangerous abuser. It sounds like she's in a marriage that basically died and she could leave without being harmed, but doesn't want to give up the status quo. Hence the affair - instead of doing the hard work of getting out of bad marriage and protecting your children, distract yourself with an affair.
Unfortunately DF has proven time and time again with his comments that he is nothing but a blatant bigoted misogynist, so no, I'd rather hold him accountable for the the actual things he says. He deserves no benefit of the doubt.

Ella, how many comments of his do I have to report before he is banned? I don't care how many Pateks or Octavias he posts.
 

Gypsy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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House Cat|1467772717|4051888 said:
FightGravity|1467772445|4051885 said:
I totally agree that having an affair was bad behavior.

At the same time, if I felt trapped in a marriage (because of kids, financial instability, belief that I can't do any better) plus years of emotionally and physically absent partner and "grey" rape....idk. I can see how it could get to that point.

I'm not as close with her as I was before the affair. But I hate to distance myself now, when she needs some support to get out of this mess.

I feel so torn.

What in the world is "grey" rape?

Color me confused to. Is that like "legitimate rape"?

I'm just going to put this right here, for the record.

consensual-sex-is-just-sex-to-say-that-implies-that-2855008.png
 
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