Deal Breakers

[AmberWaves]

Hey everyone, I''m a bit bored at work, and getting tired of reading, so I thought I''d pose a question to other PSers who may be as bored as I am.

What is a deal breaker for you? This completely hypothetical, of course (and not like, my friend wants to know...

If you found a love so deep that you feel connected in every way, he''s your home to you, there couldn''t be a more perfect person for you and you have couldn''t be happier, except for one thing. Whether it be having a baby, changing jobs, taking the step to marriage, living a certain way... Would you choose to stay or go? Would you risk leaving knowing you may NEVER get that baby, or job, or get married? Would you give it up not knowing what could happen?

(this is all fueled by a book I''m reading, the heroine is torn between staying with the most amazing man- except for her need for babies when he already has kids)

Thanks for looking!

 

[Mara]

hmmmm. i have never been in that situation where i have had to make a hard decision about a 99.9% perfect person for me and yet there is that 0.01% of something that i cannot compromise on. hopefully i will never be there. but i don''t know that i feel SOOO strongly about anything that it would be a huge deal breaker. the one thing i could maybe say would be if there was any sort of racial or religious issues between us, like i would not want to be with anyone racist or not accepting of many types of races...and i''d probably not want to marry someone who had a vastly different religion (aka muslim would be hard, i have seen it ruin a few great relationships to be on such different pagese) to mine even though i am not that religious overall. but quite honestly, i think either of those issues woul be brought up really early in the relationship to where it would be more a matter of ''yeah sorry we can''t date anymore'' rather than getting in so deep that you feel like the person is SO fabulous for you BUT.

i have never known for sure one way or the other that i did or didn''t want to have kids so that is something we''ll figure out together.

oh maybe i do have another thing...i''m born and bred californian and i think a deal breaker would be someone who wanted to move out of CA and never come back. we talk about it now but it''s more like we both are unsure what we want to do....whereas if someone was from another country and i knew i couldn''t stay here at all, it might be a deal breaker. but again that''s probably something we''d figure out right away and say ''sorry'' about seeing each other rather than finding out 5 years later.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/19/2006 5:11:34 PM
Author: Mara

oh maybe i do have another thing...i''m born and bred californian and i think a deal breaker would be someone who wanted to move out of CA and never come back. we talk about it now but it''s more like we both are unsure what we want to do....whereas if someone was from another country and i knew i couldn''t stay here at all, it might be a deal breaker. but again that''s probably something we''d figure out right away and say ''sorry'' about seeing each other rather than finding out 5 years later.

Ugh, I''m with you here. Except that it can''t be a deal breaker to me, as I was the one who made the deal. I said, if he took a chance on me and came out here to live, that I would be fine after my parents pass away (whenever that may be) that we will end up in Australia and live there the rest of our life. I like Oz, but I love Southern California.

I can''t imagine leaving. My only consolation is that we''ll move somewhere near wine country (lots of places near his hometown of Adelaide) and I can just drink wine for the rest of my life.

Not too many other dealbreakers for me, but I''m a newlywed. The only thing I can think of is if he did something very dishonest or disrespectful to my parents. It would have to be really really bad though...like stealing all their retirement money! I can''t handle it when people don''t respect their elders. Fortunately, TGuy is wonderful in that regard.

 

[JulieN]

haha, well, right now, it''s dogs that are the hangup. he''s given me a stuffed one to keep me placated...for now.

 

[Mara]

TG we talk about moving but i don''t know if we will. Greg is from the EC so he''d love to go back but he has said quite frankly he thinks i would die if we moved...hahaha. i think i could move if there was an option to return. it''s the idea of moving far away to another kind of lifestyle or to be around entirely different people, and not having anything around me that is familiar and staying away FOREVER. it''s just so intimidating to think about it!! lucky for me he''s pretty apathetic about moving right now...and i''m sure if we have a child he will not mind staying here because i have the ''family support'' network all closeby to assist us. he''s seen how great my family is with portia, having them closeby is totally invaluable.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/19/2006 5:38:02 PM
Author: Mara
TG we talk about moving but i don''t know if we will. Greg is from the EC so he''d love to go back but he has said quite frankly he thinks i would die if we moved...hahaha. i think i could move if there was an option to return. it''s the idea of moving far away to another kind of lifestyle or to be around entirely different people, and not having anything around me that is familiar and staying away FOREVER. it''s just so intimidating to think about it!! lucky for me he''s pretty apathetic about moving right now...and i''m sure if we have a child he will not mind staying here because i have the ''family support'' network all closeby to assist us. he''s seen how great my family is with portia, having them closeby is totally invaluable.

Well there are three little words that I have as my secret weapon to encourage TGuy to stay here: YEAR ROUND GOLF.

Seriously he loves the weather, and we have a great circle of friends here. He has more buddies calling him that I do. This weekend, one of our friends threw a party out in palm desert, renting/paying for two timeshares and taking everyone out to a fab dinner. And there was golf, of course. He knows how lucky we are here.

But yes, I agree with you...the family support thing is key, especially when you have kids. I WILL move if he wants, but there is hope that when we buy a house (which he really wants) it will ground us a bit more. Kids, even more so.

And I''d rather move to Oz than the east coast. I WOULD die there. I''m such a wimpy weenie when it comes to weather. Our house it about 68 degrees and I am all bundled up and wearing sheepskin slippers.

 

[dtnyc]

Date: 12/19/2006 5:23:27 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 12/19/2006 5:11:34 PM
Author: Mara

oh maybe i do have another thing...i''m born and bred californian and i think a deal breaker would be someone who wanted to move out of CA and never come back. we talk about it now but it''s more like we both are unsure what we want to do....whereas if someone was from another country and i knew i couldn''t stay here at all, it might be a deal breaker. but again that''s probably something we''d figure out right away and say ''sorry'' about seeing each other rather than finding out 5 years later.

Ugh, I''m with you here. Except that it can''t be a deal breaker to me, as I was the one who made the deal. I said, if he took a chance on me and came out here to live, that I would be fine after my parents pass away (whenever that may be) that we will end up in Australia and live there the rest of our life. I like Oz, but I love Southern California.

I can''t imagine leaving. My only consolation is that we''ll move somewhere near wine country (lots of places near his hometown of Adelaide) and I can just drink wine for the rest of my life.

Not too many other dealbreakers for me, but I''m a newlywed. The only thing I can think of is if he did something very dishonest or disrespectful to my parents. It would have to be really really bad though...like stealing all their retirement money! I can''t handle it when people don''t respect their elders. Fortunately, TGuy is wonderful in that regard.

OMG- I have a friend who got married a month after me, to a guy from Cali, she is from EC. She swears up and down that they discussed moving back East, but all of a sudden she wants to move NOW, and he is like no way. I really worry that it''s going to tear them apart. She is actually home for the holidays w/o him and interviewing for jobs here.

Personally deal breakers for me would be someone who had political passions that were opposite mine, yet, just as passionate as mine. I can handle being w/ someone who isn''t the

liberal I am, but I don''t think I could handle being w/ someone who was as vocal/passionate and obnoxious about their beliefs as me.

 

[colorkitty]

I could never be with someone who wouldn''t share his home with a cat. I love cats and I have to have them.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

The only big deal breaker for me (that I can think of right now) is abuse of any kind (drugs, alcohol, emotional, or physical.) That''s a big no no. Conflicting religions would cause a problem also.

If he didn''t love dogs, we''d have to talk.

 

[goldenstar]

For me, a deal breaker would be not wanting kids. I want to be a mother someday.

Another deal breaker would be a person who believes in traditional roles for men and women, someone who would not let me work, and expect me to do all the domestic stuff alone. I can''t handle that. I need to have my own career and i think its fair for people to share the household work. I am flexible in this regard, i don''t prioritize career over all else like some do, I just want a balance of career and home.

Another one, not respecting my family or his own.

Gosh, I didn''t realize I could think of so manny..

 

[Maria D]

Date: 12/19/2006 5:02:37 PM
Author:AmberWaves

If you found a love so deep that you feel connected in every way, he's your home to you, there couldn't be a more perfect person for you and you have couldn't be happier, except for one thing. Whether it be having a baby, changing jobs, taking the step to marriage, living a certain way... Would you choose to stay or go? Would you risk leaving knowing you may NEVER get that baby, or job, or get married? Would you give it up not knowing what could happen?

I can think of many dealbreakers. Bisexuality (even if he could commit to monogamy, the thought that he could be turned on by men would be a huge turn off for me), devout follower of any organized religion, dislike of cats, certainty of never having children (even though I wasn't sure going in, I wanted to keep the option open), ultra-conservative political views, racist, sexist -- to name a few.


But most of these are 'fatal flaws' that would have kept me from feeling 'totally connected in every way' in the first place. Like, if I had dated a guy that was devoutly religious, we'd *both* be finding something lacking in the other and the relationship wouldn't get to soulmate status in the first place. If I fell in love with someone and *then* found out about the dealbreaker -- like say I found out he likes to dress up in women's clothing to relax

-- I think I'd have to walk, even if I thought things were 100% perfect before the big discovery. Giving up having a baby (like your novel heroine) is huge. She should walk too!

Because even if you think the relationship is perfect, relationships grow and change. I think giving up something as important as having children is going to fester resentment and make the relationship change in a negative way.


I don't know how to stop typing in blue!

 

[Logan Sapphire]

My deal breakers would be:

unaccepting/intolerant of my vegetarianism and animal rights viewpoint
non-Christian
extreme liberal or conservative views
doesn''t get along with my twin sister and parents

I''d really have to think more but those are the 100% dealbreakers.

 

[dmbfan]

(this is all fueled by a book I''m reading, the heroine is torn between staying with the most amazing man- except for her need for babies when he already has kids)

whats the name of this book you are reading.

sounds very familiar to my situation.

 

[curlygirl]

I had a situation like this. I stayed in a relationship too long thinking the guy would change his mind but eventually, I had to leave. My deal breakers were: he didn''t want to get married and didn''t want children. He had already done both and didn''t want to go through it again, even with someone he supposedly loved. It all worked out in the end, as I''ve found my wonderful husband who couldn''t wait to get married and we''re now pregnant with our first child. I definitely could not live without those things.

 

[musey]

My dealbreakers:

1) not wanting children (I might be able to deal with not wanting marriage though, I thinkg)
2) like Maria, being a devout follower of religion (nothing against those people, just wouldn''t want to date/marry one!)
3) favoring unequal partnership (man is "in charge," woman not allowed to work)
4) inability to commit/be monogamous (although that is an obvious one)

I''m sure there are other issues that I couldn''t predict, but those are the ones that have been "dealbreakers" in the past. Well, not so much dealbreakers, more of never-initiate-a-deal-in-the-first-place...ers.

 

[diamondfan]

I think for me it would be if I did not respect him or feel he had integrity. At the end of the day, while I love my husband and my children and my lifestyle, I could not be with someone I did not have the utmost regard for or that I felt was dishonest or sneaky in business or other situations. I know, even if I do not always like or agree with him, his ethics and moral standards are high and he really keeps to a certain path in all his dealings, both business and personally. He is not a patsy nor does he allow himself to be abused or stepped on, but he is honorable. No matter what someone offered me I could not be with someone I did not think had that kind of character.
this ties in to the trust factor, I could not be with someone I do not trust. Period. I will not live my life always feeling uncertain or feeling that scary feeling...

I also think a sense of humor is SOOOOO important. Being married, living life, raising a family...stuff that is bad gets thrown at you all the time. It is nice to be able to laugh and find some humor in things, so that you can move on together...not all doom and gloom. We really make each other laugh still, which is so great, believe me there are lots of times I want to scream and cry and I know he can help me see the other side of things...

 

[Cehrabehra]

there''s no one thing that would be a deal breaker to me - relationships are about compromise and there are so many thing that I could arbitrarily say were deal breakers that in the moment are actually negotiable. What would be a deal breaker would be someone unwilling to compromise I suppose. I really wanted kids and I don''t think I could ever find "home" with someone who didn''t. It just would never progress to that level. I have tight filters though, I filter through things LONG before they get to the point where I have something at stake. I do so with friends as well. I just don''t like to waste my time on things that have no soul.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 12/19/2006 5:02:37 PM
Author:AmberWaves

(this is all fueled by a book I''m reading, the heroine is torn between staying with the most amazing man- except for her need for babies when he already has kids)

Thanks for looking!

see and to me - you find that stuff out early on BEFORE you fall in love. I would leave a man who didn''t have the same goals as I. There are dozens of other men out there, hundreds, thousands, I could have the potential to love and mate for life with, but if we don''t even have the same *basic* goals like breeding, forget it, adios. Leading with the heart can get you in trouble.

How far into this relationship did the heroine find out he didn''t want kids? Or did she know all along and hope she could *change* him?

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 12/19/2006 5:23:27 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 12/19/2006 5:11:34 PM
Author: Mara

oh maybe i do have another thing...i''m born and bred californian and i think a deal breaker would be someone who wanted to move out of CA and never come back. we talk about it now but it''s more like we both are unsure what we want to do....whereas if someone was from another country and i knew i couldn''t stay here at all, it might be a deal breaker. but again that''s probably something we''d figure out right away and say ''sorry'' about seeing each other rather than finding out 5 years later.

Ugh, I''m with you here. Except that it can''t be a deal breaker to me, as I was the one who made the deal. I said, if he took a chance on me and came out here to live, that I would be fine after my parents pass away (whenever that may be) that we will end up in Australia and live there the rest of our life. I like Oz, but I love Southern California.

I can''t imagine leaving. My only consolation is that we''ll move somewhere near wine country (lots of places near his hometown of Adelaide) and I can just drink wine for the rest of my life.

Not too many other dealbreakers for me, but I''m a newlywed. The only thing I can think of is if he did something very dishonest or disrespectful to my parents. It would have to be really really bad though...like stealing all their retirement money! I can''t handle it when people don''t respect their elders. Fortunately, TGuy is wonderful in that regard.

I wouldn''t cry yet - hopefully your parents will die after your kids are grown (assuming you have them) and he might not want to move away from grandbabies!!!

 

[aljdewey]

Substance abuse.

I had to live through it with a parent, and I didn''t have a choice then. Can''t ever do it again.

 

[AmberWaves]

Cehra, she was with him for about 5 years, with the knowledge of the "children issue" in the back of her mind. She moves to Paris, and decides to try something completely different. He comes back, two years later and offers her marriage sans kids. She debated it (at this point I made this thread) and decides that although she won''t know for sure if she''ll ever find another man as perfect for her (minus that one HUGE flaw), she can''t compromise on that issue. She finally finds another "perfect man" and voila! All tied up in a little bow.

As for me, deal breakers are: must want children, must get along with my parents, must not smoke, nor be heavy drinkers (I dealt with that in my childhood, not pleasant), but never be abusive in any way, and must be utterly monogamous. Not too much, eh?

 

[kenny]

Drug or alcohol abuse
crime
dishonesty
poor work ethic
large religion or political differences
infidelity
lack of very strong romantic chemistry
inability to communicate
smoking
wanting kids
power trips
excessive income disparity
irresponsible with money
low self esteem

There's a start.
(And, No I am not single.)

 

[whatmeworry]

Apparently a televison (or lack of) in the bedroom could be a deal breaker.

From the nytimes, "Questions couples should ask (or wish) they had before marrying."

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/17/fashion/weddings/17FIELDBOX.html?em&ex=1166763600&en=eb5457e2929f1d3f&ei=5087%0A

 

[galeteia]

If he wanted children.

Everything else is the sorts of things that would prevent me from even getting involved in the first place.

 

[AdaBeta27]

I had to think of the right for word for it: Duplicitous. I think it would be a good idea to get a complete background check run on any potential mate. (Isn't that romantic, LOL.) Seriously, there are people out there who will assume any identity it takes to get you to buy into their scam. Anything duplicitous is a deal-breaker, even more so after that nightmare of a sham marriage I found myself in. He and his immediate family had thoroughly mastered duplicitous and manipulating behaviors. They were situational ethics gurus. Everything was above board while we dated and were still engaged, but after I became one of that clan, I'd sit at their family gatherings and hear all kinds of conversations about how "I did or said this because I wanted them to do this" and various allusions to various shady business practices. My ex was Mr. Urban Professional Mananager until 3 months after the engagement, when he promptly got fired from that job and started morphing back into his true lazy-huntin'-fishin'-mama's-boy self. I said yes to one man, but I honestly never ever saw that man again. It was creepy. I won't even go into how abusive he got before I filed, and while we were divorcing.

Remember: If he or she lies to anyone else, he or she WILL lie to you, maybe not at first, but eventually. Part of that family's problem was drinking and pot smoking. Not all of them had those problems, but I think all had the tendency to lie without giving ethics a moment's thought. For them, the right answer doesn't have to be truthful, it just has to be the one that makes poeple do whatever you want.

Addition: And what worse about those people is that that they will so thoroughly undermine you in any way possible if they don't get their way. I didn't lose assets in the divorce, but I certainly lost my trust in people, lost my last chance to have children so now I'll never be a parent, lost my supposed soulmate and best friend. And in this small community, people always blame the woman for the divorce, automatically assuming that SHE must have been been a really, really baaaad wife if he divorced her. If I would not be sued, I'd rent a billboard and take out full page ads about that smarmy family, LOL.

 

[asscherisme]

adabeta, your story is heartbreaking. Thanks for sharing. Can you move? I find as I have gotten older, my faith is people has been going down hill too. I have had several friendships that have turned into backstabbing and it just floors me how people can treat each other and live with themselves. Manipulating, lying, etc. I''m sorry you had to live through that. I don''t know how old you are, but can you adopt? Older children (as opped to babies) are harder to place and still need a loving home. Have you considered it? There are other options to motherhood besides giving birth.

For me dealbreakers are lying and dishonesty as well. And substance abuse. Or any type of abuse.

And many of the other things mentioned in above posts.

 

[bee*]

My deal breakers would be
1-obviously if he couldnt be monogomous, I would walk
2-Like a couple of people have written, I couldnt be with someone extremely religious. I am not, and so I do not think that it could work out
3-one of my main deal breakers is doggies too. I will not live without dogs
4-smoking

 

[butterfly 17]

Hmmm, for me it would be physical or substance abuse and/or cheating, either before we got married or during.
Oh, also constant lying, even if he feels he is "protecting my feelings", I would rather know the truth than be led like a fool.

 

[diamondfan]

There are stories about guys who have two totally separate families in different cities or states. One guy was a famous news guy. Sometimes one family knows about the other and has to keep up the facade, sometimes neither knows. How could a guy do that? Too bizarre for me.

I think some of the things mentioned are so important. I too am not really religious, so I would not mesh well with someone who is extreme. But, I also do not think I would get that involved with someone who seemed clearly so not on the same page. I also hate cheapness, not just financially. I could not spend my life with someone who was internal and tight with themselves. I might understand why and get it, but I could not see my whole life lived with someone closed off. Monetarily, I would want someone to be generous, whatever it meant in real terms. What we could manage, I would want to know he would be willing to share it with me.

I think a lot of these incompatibility things get addressed as the relationship deepens, and one or the other sort of sees that there are glaring differences in how each wants to live life.

Once married, though, I could not tolerate abuse (physical, mental or substance) and infidelity. I have a hard time forgetting, not forgiving, but being able to totally put something out of my mind once it has occured. If I cannot trust or forget it, what kind of life is that for both of us? Even if the person honestly would never do it again, I would have a tough time. Perhaps that is a failing, but I admit it and know it would make going forward hard.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 12/25/2006 9:40:01 PM
Author: diamondfan
I think a lot of these incompatibility things get addressed as the relationship deepens, and one or the other sort of sees that there are glaring differences in how each wants to live life.

truer words were never spoken! My husband and I definitely have these differences. Thankfully we love each other so much they''re secondary, but it''s been interesting to see them come up where they never used to be. When we got married we were so young and broke and we wanted the same things, at least generally enough. But as we''ve gotten older and we''re no longer living in the red all the time - discussions on how to live etc. have shown serious differences. His parents both came from ZERO money - just very poor from mexico - you know, 11 kids, 3 rooms, no money. They came here and did VERY well for themselves and own a home in san diego.... but their very well is still well below the average on my side of the family. My mom''s family owned the town store for 5 generations and was always one of the wealthiest families in the region. His mom grew up in the aforementioned conditions - my mom grew up in a 4,000 square foot house with the first TV in the area and other luxuries that his family couldn''t dream of. Your parents want more for you than they have so of course I looked at that lifestyle as a baseline. In high school I lived in a 3500 square foot house in the hills of almaden in san jose with tennis courts and pool with waterfall we had a rolls and two mercedes.... his family only two of the four even got braces. So.... he wanted more than what he had and joined the navy because it was the only way he knew he could make it happen.... and he has - none of them have their degrees and he''s getting his masters.... he makes as much as both of his parents combined and more than all of his siblings combined. To him we''ve met his dreams, for me we''ve met our baseline. And considering I''m not bringing in an income, it''s not really appropriate for me to say - you need to make more so I can have more *schtuff* lol! He''s been willing for years to move back home to SD even if it meant living in an apartment but there''s NO WAY I will willingly backslide that much. So anyway, after a lot of babble.... it''s just really good that we love each other so much that all of this is secondary. A good hug and it all goes away - but philosophically it''s been interesting to see our different socio-economic backgrounds come through. It''ll be interesting to see how our children are when they are grown.... Even though we technically have money for a lot of things, we''ve been saving it to get back to san diego and it was quite generous of him to take some of that for a *diamond* when he has been dying inside to get ''home'' for 15 years. Especially the last 7 since my mom died... it brought home to him that time is the most priceless thing and he''s desperate to spend it with his family. Well, I will give him that being poor and in tiny accommodations certainly has given him a stronger family bond than mine ever had! Okay obviously I''ve had too much eggnog hahaha I''ll shaddup now lol