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Hera

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By the way, I totally undertand if you go on this trip together. I did spend five yrs working it out with my boyfriend
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Also, "Space" doesn''t have to mean him moving out but rather staying with a friend for a little while.
 

luckystar112

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Dixie, I hope this weekend goes well for you. If for some reason it doesn''t, I hope that you will take heranderson''s advice and try to get some space. Who knows, it may even work in your favor! It has got to be hard on you to see him everyday. Have you thought about finding a roomate to take over one of your leases so you don''t have to live together anymore? It seems like you are in limbo, and that it is emotionally tearing you apart. I think we''ve all been there...the kind of thing where you don''t want to take time apart because you''re afraid that could mean the end for you, but staying means that he isn''t being given a chance to see what he''s missing out on. I''m worried about you!
 

Mara

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Date: 9/1/2007 1:43:00 PM
Author: luckystar112
Dixie, I hope this weekend goes well for you. If for some reason it doesn't, I hope that you will take heranderson's advice and try to get some space. Who knows, it may even work in your favor! It has got to be hard on you to see him everyday. Have you thought about finding a roomate to take over one of your leases so you don't have to live together anymore? It seems like you are in limbo, and that it is emotionally tearing you apart. I think we've all been there...the kind of thing where you don't want to take time apart because you're afraid that could mean the end for you, but staying means that he isn't being given a chance to see what he's missing out on. I'm worried about you!
I agree with LS in this post...Dixie, while I think you should fight for the relationship, please take good care of yourself. Personally I don't think it's the smartest idea to go away with him on that weekend from a mental sanity perspective, but I can totally understand the need for it and the desire to be with him as well. I can def see both sides of the coin. I wouldn't say you were wrong for anything you are doing, because you can't categorize feelings like that or emotions into a right and wrong bucket. It just IS.

I remember when Greg and I were apart, the first days after, I went shopping with my Mom (I was the queen of 'distractions' for that time, I never wanted to be home by myself and just basically spent every waking moment doing something, it helped so much and eventually within a few months I realized I was so much mentally healthier and stronger for doing that rather than sitting around being sad or giving into my emotions...it also made me stronger for when we started talking again and I realized I could make it with or without him just fine, but that we both wanted to give 'together' another try)...and there was this store we went into. I found this random book on the counter that was something about Death...and how relationships when they are over feel just like death. It was basically saying how you go from seeing that person daily to realizing you will never see them again (real death) or may never see them again (relationship over). But basically it's a similar feeling. The relationship as you knew it is dead, it's over, you can never recapture something that 'once was'...there's only moving fwd and either creating something new or not. It said that the mourning of a dead relationship can be just as painful and intense as a real death, the only difference is that the person is still out there and walking around...but that they are not with you, not doing those same things with you etc.

It really kind of stuck with me, basically was talking about how you have to respect the feelings you are going through for relationship deaths or 'big changes'...so you should respect how you (and he probably) are feeling, but really also just take this time to start getting stronger for YOURSELF. not to change for him or whatever, but just to respect yourself as well when all is said and done (however things pan out). Even though Greg and I got back together...I was for the most part really happy and proud of myself for how strong I grew on my own...sure the first week or so was like torture but after that I was like well I have two options...mope around and hope for something to change, or make a change for myself. I think the realization for me that I could have made it just fine and been happy on my own without him (and probably eventually found someone else)....really made the opportunity to try again with him that much more rewarding because it was a real choice that we both made.

Anyway, hang in there, I know it is really tough, but I can't stress enough how you can be using other activities and things to help take your mind off this situation and at least get some external conversation going on. Hang out with him less maybe. I totally agree with others who say get someone else to take your lease or get a roommate and have him go elsewhere for a while. I am a firm believer in being apart to really appreciate the other (if you will at all)...and that the daily grind life stuff is never conducive to a couple trying to work through issues. Plus it just gives you guys space...and you won't have to be in each other's face all the time. I think that can really benefit both of you actually....and maybe even moreso HIM as he is the one who is supposed to really be self-reflecting and figuring out his life and mind. And it might be less confusing for your son as well. Just some thoughts...have a good wkd and try to stay busy doing SOMETHING, anything. Even going to the movies and distracting yourself with other people's issues sometimes helps in a weird way!
 

IrishAngel7982

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Hi Dixie...I didn''t have a chance to post this weekend but I followed your thread! I''m glad your son is hanging in there. I wasn''t sure if it was inappropriate to ask, but I wanted to let you know that we''re thinking about him also.

Please keep yourself busy. Only you know what is best for you right now. I''d love to help distract you in the near future! Monarch can help too...I know you didn''t have a chance to meet her last time but she''s a riot.
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Whatever you decide to do will hopefully give you some clarity. I hope your ex-fi has the opportunity to miss you (if you know what I mean) but if you need to spend time with him now, just make sure you''re taking care of YOU first.

*Hugs*
 

janinegirly

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dixie, you haven''t check in in awhile..hope you''re doing ok!

i understand you wanting to go against the grain by going away with your bf next wkend. ultimately you need to do what you want to do so that you don''t always wonder.

however, remember that those who are cautioning you (not necessarily us since we don''t really "know" you) are the ones who have your best interests at heart, and the jury is still out on whether your bf does or not. i just hate to see you cling on and not take the space you need. Think about it, what motivation is there for your boyfrined to give you what you want (a solid committment to return to how things were)..you are living with him as a couple, going away on trips with him, what is there to miss or realize? i know this i kind of upfront of me, but don''t forget the saying "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me."
i know you really want to give it a last shot in the wkend trip away, and i understand that (and know your decision is made), but maybe afterwards if things aren''t different, you can consider moving out for a bit--to allow yourself to heal, but ALSO it is the best chance to get what it is you want (even though it seems coutnerintuitive). By staying, and going by his terms, you are too accessible and it''s too painful/confusing for you and your son.

but no matter what you do or decide, all our opinions are just food for thought. ultimately it''s all your choice, and your heart, and i''m sure most of your family and friends (and virtual friends) will support you either way in the end!
emsmile.gif
 

musey

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Dixie, I haven''t posted on your threads because I am just at a loss. I don''t have a drop of advice for your situation. Good thing there are so many other helpful ladies on here!

All I can say is that I am so sorry that you''re going through all this, and I''m another of the many PSers wishing you well. I truly hope that things begin to look up (whatever that ends up meaning), and soon. Keep checking in, because if the rest of the PS community is anything like me... they''re reading, silently supporting, wishing they knew the right thing to say.

Sending big hugs your way.
 

musey

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oops, double post!! just means double the hugs
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musey

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I just read luckystar's suggestion for finding a roommate to take over your lease... such a good idea. It's hard, but maybe a little personal living space may be good for both of you. It would be really difficult for either of you to evaluate where you are in the relationship (and in your own heads) without getting a little space from the "same old" living situation. Who knows what clarity it might bring...
 

pavelover

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Hey . I am sorry you are going through such a bad time right now. I know I don''t know you, but just wanted to offer support. I hope you get some peace and clarity very soon. Only you know what is right for you and your son. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers if that is o.k.
 

akw94

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Kimberly, thanks! The walk really helped and I am not a big walker. I have to remember that for the future!

Heranderson, thanks for sharing your story. I appreciate the idea of a timeline and think about that sometimes, or at least having an internal timeframe for myself. I know I can''t go on in limbo forever but want to be fair about giving things time to work themselves out or more specifically, giving us time to work through them and hopefully work them out. I''m glad you were able to move forward and find the right person for you.

Luckystar, actually, we had a nice weekend this past weekend but the wedding weekend is coming up. That''s when we''re planning on going away for a couple days, just a place in driving distance. I''m really looking forward to it. I know that a lot of people are recommending space but for me, it''s not something I''m ready for at this time. Things actually feel a little better these past days, and I think it''s b/c we''ve had time to spend together. When he was away, there was a lot of space and I don''t think that necessarily helped, not given the circumstances at the time. Now, I don''t think we have to spend every moment together but one of us moving out, even if only for awhile, while we''re trying to work things out just doesn''t feel right.... for me.
I thought a little about a roommate but wouldn''t do it personally, not having my son and not having had a roommate since college. But I don''t know if he''d consider it if it came to that. I do appreciate your concern!

Mara, thanks for your support. I know that going away w/him doesn''t seem right to many but I need it for *me*. Even though I know it will be hard, he''s who I want to be with right now, especially on that day. I agree about the distractions. It helps me too. I try not to sit around too much and it does make me feel stronger and more capable of handling everything that''s happening. That''s an interesting parallel about death. I can relate to that a lot. There is a definite loss, even if we are able to work through the issues. You''re right, we can''t go back to what we had, only move forward. I hope it''s together but if not, it''s still moving forward. And ya know, I''m learning about myself in this process too.
We had another counseling session and it was interesting. Although he hadn''t expressed to me the things he said there, I could understand what he was saying. I just wish he would''ve told me those things before.

Irish, don''t worry about asking about my son. It''s ok and I didn''t mind. I am trying to take care of me first and at the same time, do what I need to do for me and for us to give this a shot.

Janine, Musey and Pave, thank you for writing. Unfortunately, I always seem to start writing when I don''t have enough time to finish. But I will later and I do appreciate everyone writing and keeping me in their thoughts!
 

akw94

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Ok, I''m back!

Janine, I don''t see our trip away as a last shot. Actually, I really need to get away for me, and I really want for us to be together. I see counseling as our last shot, if we must have one. And that''s something I''m dedicated to as long as I feel that he is as well and that it keeps us moving forward. I don''t want counseling forever but I do want to give it a real chance and I know that can take time. I hope that I''m not making a mistake but it doesn''t feel like I am. I know that there are no guarantees but I still am hopeful things will work. If I''m wrong, I''ll certainly have to deal w/it but at least I know that I tried and he says he wants to try to. He also said he considers us to be a couple, and I think that''s important. I''m taking it one week at a time right now.

Musey and Pavelover, thanks for stopping in! I appreciate it! I am definitely seeking clarity and for now, I really hope counseling will provide that vs. us living apart. I''m just trying to be patient right now and see what happens.

Thank you again.. I feel like I can''t say it enough b/c you guys are always there and it makes a difference to me. I do appreciate everyone''s point of view and am listening even if I may not be able to follow the advice.
 

janinegirly

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dixie, thanks for checking in and you sound much better
emsmile.gif
. i''m glad you had a good wkend together--do you know what it was about the weekend that made it good? was it being together or something else?

it''s true that there are some things you are doing that i wouldn''t do, but i don''t know the people involved so i really can''t judge or truly understand the circumstances. You do seem incredibly patient with the situation by willling to do counseling with him and co-exist as a couple as long as he needs. I guess if you are willing to put your life on hold indefinitely until he makes a decision and are truly ok with that, than that''s all that matters.
However, if it was me and someone close to me pulled such a shocker of a move in a public fashion (when invites were out and $ spent), i would not be able to just swallow my pride and help the person who did this to me with little in return but my own hopes. I would need him to figure himself out and then come beg my forgiveness and make it up to me! Even then, i don''t know that i could be the same. BUT i''m not the one in it, so it''s so easy for me to throw out hypotheticals. Just be careful and realize you are taking risks and the support might not be as wide ranging (i''m not talking about here of course, but among family and friends) if he lets you down again.

good luck and keep us posted!
 

akw94

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Hi Janine, thanks! I think it was just us being together that felt good. It felt like it was before, which is scary when I think about it b/c obviously things were wrong that I didn''t know about. But when I just feel what I''m feeling, we have a good time together.
I know that it may sound like I''m willing to go forever in the situation that I''m in but I''m not. I do have my limitations. I''m just not exactly sure what they are yet. I want to give counseling a fair chance so I''m trying to be patient. I''m actually not a very patient person at all so this is very hard for me. Some days, I just want to give up b/c it''s so hard to wait. But by doing counseling, I feel like I am taking an active role too. It''s not just me waiting around for him but us trying to figure things out together. If we figure out that this won''t work, we''ll have to split at some point. If we are able to work things out together, then our relationship will hopefully be that much stronger and more solid.
You said that you don''t know that you could be the same. I agree w/that and don''t think I''ll ever be the same. I know that in order for us to work, I will have to have some issues resolved for me. I will have to trust that he wouldn''t do this again and that he is committed, etc.. And know that this is the person I want to spend my life with and that he wants the same. Right now, all of that feels so up in the air given what''s happened. I also know it will take a lot of work but I am dedicated to that right now. As much as it concerns me about what support I may receive if things don''t work out for us, I can''t worry about that too much. I know that I''m not making any decisions lightly. I''m not going into this w/o both of us working at it so if things don''t work out, I will know that we will have tried. And all of my friends have already made it clear to me that they support me doing what I feel is right for me. That''s what I cherish about my friends so much. The support is not conditional. As for family, they may not agree with me, but I have never made decisions or lived my life based on what others feel. I have gotten this far in my life doing what I feel is right. Sometimes that is taking a harder road than others would take but it''s what makes me feel right.
So we''ll see how things go.

Today isn''t feeling like a great morning. Today friends and family would already be in town. We''d be having the bachelorette get together this evening w/the rehearsal dinner tomorrow. Favors would''ve been made yesterday. And in two days, we would''ve committed to living our lives together. Although I''m not as sad as I was even a week ago, it''s still very hard. This realization. It''s really not happening on Sunday. No wedding, no marriage on Sunday. Now, the wedding doesn''t feel that important but the marriage, that not happening is hard to get a handle on. And sure, I''ve already come to terms w/that but it''s still hard and sad. I decided not to take the time off work though b/c I don''t think sitting at home would''ve helped. So I guess I better go stay busy...
 

akw94

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Monarch and Irish, not sure if you''ll see this but just wondering if you guys were free Sat. the 15th?
 

KimberlyH

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Dixie,

Just wanted you to know I''m still thinking of you. Take good care of yourself this weekend.

~K
 

IrishAngel7982

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As far as I know, I''m free on the 15th. What did you have in mind?
 

akw94

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Kimberly, thanks for thinking of me. Today hasn''t been the easiest of days. But I know tomorrow will come and hopefully Sunday will pass w/o too much sadness. It''s still so hard to believe but it is my reality.

Irish, I actually hadn''t thought that far in advance as to *what* to do but I''d be up for dinner or drinks or whatever. Not feeling very particular.
 

diamondfan

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Dixie, I have not read this entire thread but wanted to tell you I hope you are faring well, as well as you could in this case. But I must also chime in and say that while couples counseling is both valuable and worthwhile, it sounds like a lot of his issues revolve around inner turmoil and that he might want to address those issues first or concurrently. It can be like band aiding a wound or dealing with a symptom and not the disease, so while it is nice for you both to go together, I think you and he might benefit from going alone to someone as well. I really hope it all works out for you, but honestly think too that if he is feeling that way, and cannot seem to get around it, maybe it is for the best. Marriage is so wonderful but can also be so challenging, and you need someone in the foxhole with you that feels the way you do about the important things. If he is not this person, it is likely better to find someone who is. It is hard to comment without knowing the situation, but honestly might be best in the long run, even if it is painful now it would possibly only get more painful later. I also agree that, like Mara said, he must be dealing with you in fairness too. Fine, he has doubts, he needs to settle his feelings, but you need to take care of YOU, and if it syncs up and works, great, but you should not be along for the ride endlessly. This is his journey for the most part, and he has some soul searching to do, some decisions to make, and so do you. You are not just ancillary to things, a side note. So please take care of you too during this time.
 

monarch64

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Date: 9/7/2007 10:08:29 AM
Author: dixie94
Monarch and Irish, not sure if you''ll see this but just wondering if you guys were free Sat. the 15th?
I work until 4 p.m. on the 15th but am totally free after that...and open to whatever!
 

janinegirly

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how are you doing after this weekend dixie? hope you are feeling ok..
 

akw94

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Monarch, anytime after 4 works great for me. How about dinner? Irish, are you in the western suburbs? Sorry, can''t remember.

Janine, thanks for asking! I am doing pretty good. I''m glad we went away. It was a relaxing trip and peaceful, and I''m also glad the day has passed.
I''m even looking fwd to our next counseling session... sort of. I just hope that we are able to continue to figure out what the issues are and how to properly address them (and hopefully resolve them). It''s scary and I feel very vulnerable but I feel committed to the process.
 

KimberlyH

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Dixie, I''m so glad you had a good weekend, I thought of you on Sunday.
 

IrishAngel7982

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Dixie, I''m glad you had a nice weekend. I''m actually in the northwestern suburbs, but if I remember correctly you''re not too far from me at all. =)
 

akw94

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Kimberly, thanks for thinking of me. Sunday was actually the most peaceful day of the trip. About 12:00 was hard b/c that was the time of the ceremony, but other than that, I tried to stay in the moment. I have thought a few times that we would be married now but I also realize that it wouldn''t have been right to be married now, not knowing what I know now. And if we get married, I want it to be right. I want it to last forever, not to get married just to get married. So as I go through this process w/him, I''m learning about me and re-establishing my self-esteem and who I am, etc... I feel so much less anxious now, although I know the future is not determined, but at least we''re making a real effort. Thank you again, it means a lot to know that I''m not alone in this.

Irish and Monarch, any suggestions as to a place? I know some places in the western suburbs but not northwestern. I''m open as to where to go. Should I create a mini-gtg thread for DJ and Catmom in case they''re available?
 

monarch64

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Date: 9/11/2007 4:03:31 PM
Author: dixie94
Kimberly, thanks for thinking of me. Sunday was actually the most peaceful day of the trip. About 12:00 was hard b/c that was the time of the ceremony, but other than that, I tried to stay in the moment. I have thought a few times that we would be married now but I also realize that it wouldn''t have been right to be married now, not knowing what I know now. And if we get married, I want it to be right. I want it to last forever, not to get married just to get married. So as I go through this process w/him, I''m learning about me and re-establishing my self-esteem and who I am, etc... I feel so much less anxious now, although I know the future is not determined, but at least we''re making a real effort. Thank you again, it means a lot to know that I''m not alone in this.

Irish and Monarch, any suggestions as to a place? I know some places in the western suburbs but not northwestern. I''m open as to where to go. Should I create a mini-gtg thread for DJ and Catmom in case they''re available?
Dixie, glad to hear you''re doing ok and the weekend was good for you.

There is a lapidary museum in Elmhurst, I don''t know if they''re open on Sundays (obviously not on Saturday nights) but just throwing out a suggestion in case anyone''s interested. It''s the Lizzadro Museum, if you want to google it. They have some fabulous 18k gold castle sculpture there with diamonds, etc. embedded in it. I''ve never been but hear some of the displays are pretty interesting.

Are any of us on the same metra line? i''m closest to the one that goes out to Aurora, or I could get to the one north of that as well pretty easily. Just thinking out loud here, maybe we could just do a girls'' night type thing and have dinner somewhere that was easily accessible to all of us by train?
 

akw94

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Monarch, the museum sounds fun. This Sunday, we''re going to a baseball game but another weekend I''d be interested.

As for this weekend, I''m sorry but I have to re-schedule. Some plans have changed unexpectedly and I can''t make it Sat. night. I hope we can do it another weekend soon though. I was looking fwd to it! I''m sorry!!
 

Kerbear560

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Hi dixie! I''m glad to hear that your trip went well. You sound like you are doing much better.
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Date: 9/11/2007 4:03:31 PM
Author: dixie94
Kimberly, thanks for thinking of me. Sunday was actually the most peaceful day of the trip. About 12:00 was hard b/c that was the time of the ceremony, but other than that, I tried to stay in the moment. I have thought a few times that we would be married now but I also realize that it wouldn''t have been right to be married now, not knowing what I know now. And if we get married, I want it to be right. I want it to last forever, not to get married just to get married. So as I go through this process w/him, I''m learning about me and re-establishing my self-esteem and who I am, etc... I feel so much less anxious now, although I know the future is not determined, but at least we''re making a real effort. Thank you again, it means a lot to know that I''m not alone in this.

Irish and Monarch, any suggestions as to a place? I know some places in the western suburbs but not northwestern. I''m open as to where to go. Should I create a mini-gtg thread for DJ and Catmom in case they''re available?
I was reading through, and this struck me. I just wanted to tell you that you have a really great attitude.
 

IrishAngel7982

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Monnie~that museum does sound fun! I haven''t heard of it before.

Dixie~I''m happy to hear that you''re in better spirits. Hopefully we can plan something soon!
 

monarch64

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No worries, Dixie. Just let us know when is a good weekend for you. And no need to be sorry, life happens!
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akw94

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Kerbear, thanks! I feel much better. I have my down moments but I''m trying to live more in the moment right now. It helps. And of course, I never stop thinking and evaluating things but it''s a bit less stressful.
Thank you about the note about my attitude. I appreciate that. I''m really trying to stay positive but realistic. It''s a challenge but it helps my day to day so much.

Irish and Monarch, thanks for understanding! Sometime soon for sure.
 
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