Counseling

[akw94]

I thought I''d move over here to this forum b/c the BWW just doesn''t feel like the right place to be anymore.

First, I wanted to say thanks! to Mara, Janine, Irish, Mandarine and Kimberly. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I think I can use all the good and peaceful thoughts that I can get these days.

As for our situation, we went to our 1st session last night. It was difficult and has only gotten harder since then. He said that he went to counseling for a different reason than I did. I guess I just assumed the only reason was to work on us. But he said that he can''t even think about working on us until he figures out what these issues are and why he feels what he does. I can understand that, I think, but what do I do in the meantime? Where are we in the meantime? And how long does this figuring out take? He''s right, I do have a ton of questions and he has no answers. He suggested I write them down and we try to go through them in counseling. I think that''s a good idea but it feels so painful to just wait, wait and see, wait around as my life continues to fall apart. I feel like I''m barely holding on these days.
Or I could take a step and just say I''m not interested in counseling. But I just can''t do that. I just don''t know what to do.

Has anyone else been through counseling?

I brought up us going away for the weekend of the 9th (the wedding weekend) which we may not even be able to do due to work but I can''t figure out if it''s a good idea. I want to but that''s us going as us, which really I don''t think that exists right now. I guess we could go and keep pretending which is how it feels now or I could go somewhere else or just stay here. I just really don''t want to be here. Not that weekend. I guess I''ll bring that up in counseling too. It all feels so hopeless right now.

 

[decodelighted]

Ooooof. I''m so sorry you''re going through this. I''d urge you to get individual counseling whether or NOT you decide to continue this maybe couple, maybe just for him counseling. It will help you gain strength & help you realize that you don''t have to wait around for "his decision" or "him to decide" -- that you have choices & that, perhaps, you deserve more.

How long will it take to "work out his stuff"? Honestly ... I''d guess a long time. A year ... or more. And there''s no guarantee he''ll decide he wants to work on the relationship at the end of all that solo work. It is a risk. Before you were taking a risk on something you thought was solid. Now this would be taking a risk on something very, very risky. It doesn''t seem in your best interests ... but that''s just my "outsider" opinion.

Does this even seem like the person you knew? Or thought you knew?? Maybe he''s NOT the person you fell in love with -- as hard as that is to comprehend.

 

[Mara]

oh dixie, my heart just aches for you reading your posts. i can hear the confusion and sadness in your tone.

i am really curious, so did you never have an inkling that he was having second thoughts or issues or whatever while dating, engaged, planning the wedding etc? is this the absolute first he has really come out with them?

it's so confusing to me as well as to how he can seemingly be plugging along and ready to get married and then suddenly say no way and then now he has to work on himself. i just don't understand how someone goes one way then so far in the other to where it's not even about US but rather him. i know it happens to people but it is so mind-boggling to me.

what are his issues? is he having a mid-life crisis? i am confused, and maybe it's because you are too, but i just don't seem to quite grasp what the issue is. he doesn't want to get married? or not to you? or isn't sure he is ready for the committment? or is he having his own personal issues like with personality or emotional or ?

do YOU even understand this?? because if not, i would imagine it'd be really hard to try to understand why he might be having doubts about you two/the US portion.

it's tough because, honestly...i have a really hard time with people and their emotions when it comes to messing with ME and MY emotions. i like to be supportive but don't jerk me around kind of thing. i like it when people are up front and honest about what is going on and communicate the issue. is he communicating?

sounds like he might need to go to counseling on his own for a while so he can work on whatever it is he feels like needs work, or figure out whatever he needs to figure out. are you two living together right now? maybe some distance is best while he works on things? it might also help your mental state as i can't imagine it's doing you or your self esteem any positives to be in this weird limbo situation with him trying to figure out how he feels emotionally or whatever, when you don't know where any of that leaves you.

also, while i am a firm believer in trying your hardest to work things out with the one you love, you absolutely HAVE to try to take care of yourself too...if that means not being around him as much or asking him to move out for now or whatever, do it. it doesn't have to mean it's the end or whatever, but you should really think about what you might need right now and try to see that you get it. he is looking out for himself, you can be supportive but also look out for YOURSELF and your son. so i am kind of wondering if the whole 'take care of him and the relationship' and 'take care of myself and my son' might be at odds right now. and you really do have to mentally think about 'what if'...aka what if this takes too long or what if it just becomes too much.

anyhow...just some thoughts...i don't know if it helps but i hope it does. also honestly i'm not sure if you should go away that wedding weekend, seems like it would be really emotional for both of you, wouldn't you just be thinking about what might have been? i almost think you maybe should just go and do something on your own that weekend ...a retreat or can you go away with a girlfriend or something? that might help...and maybe give him the space to spend some time on his own too?

 

[risingsun]

One of the first things I ask couples who enter therapy is what brings you here? I really want to get a sense of whether they are coming to preserve the relationship, end it, or if each person has their own issues to work out. Maybe your BF needs some individual counseling to sort himself out, first. I think Deco's suggestions were excellent. Do get some individual counseling for yourself. Whatever happens, you have concerns that need to be addressed. I wish you well.

ETA: Mara and I were responding at the same time!

 

[janinegirly]

hi dixie, i''m glad you moved this thread to this forum.

everyone has already said how i feel, and i agree with mara''s post as well.

the only new thing i can add, is please look out for yourself. in reading your post it just seems so painful for you and meanwhile your boyfriend has all the control (vague answers, undefined timeline). it''s so unfair that you''re so accessible to him, suggesting vacations while he''s putting you through this.
i think counseling is a great idea (a neutral place for both of you to get things out), but remember it wasn''t you who had/has any issues and that you are a strong, worthy and amazing woman who, has limits and choices. If he''s so indecisive, maybe time apart/broken up isn''t a bad idea. he can''t know what he''s missing if you''re there, supportive, going to counseling, and basically waiting for him to decide your fate. I so understand the desire to fight for the relationship till the end, but just remember you and your dignity (and son) come first. It''s your bf who needs to get his act together.

sighhh, i hope i''m not being too harsh, i just hate to see all of this and the slow painful process is so hard to read, i can only imagine what it''s like to go through. i hope you have a great circle of g-friends around you to support you and take you out for a glass of wine and a vent whenever you need it! keep posting in this thread..even just to vent or tell us how each day is going..

 

[labbielove]

Hi Dixie,
I am so glad you are getting counseling- and would second everything everyone else has suggested here.

I did want to pipe in, for whatever it is worth, and say that when I read your story, your feelings, and the way your bf is behaving it is bringing me back. You know when they say "what if you could do it all over again?"
I hope I am not being too harsh, but I spent ten, yes TEN years with a man who did just what your bf did- we became engaged after 2 years of dating, had a May date, and in February out of the clear blue- boom, he doesn''t want to get married because he doesn''t feel the way he thinks he should feel. We went to couples counseling, we went to individual counseling, and all of it was quite useful and helpful- I was in counseling on and off for 3 years and some of the tools I learned I still use to this day.

I waited around, in the pattern you are describing, for SEVEN years- I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit this here, but if anything I can do or say can prevent you from going through what I did, then I very much want to offer my help, answering questions, etc.

The way my life has turned out I am very happy that things turned out the way they did- for me, if I hadn''t been with ex-bf for 7 years, it would have been other wrong guys for that time.
I am certain if I had married ex-bf we would be split by now,
I don''t consider those years wasted, because I learned so very much- the problem I see is that when I look back- I KNEW- I KNEW then, and I didn''t listen to my innermost gut. THAT is what I regret- me not trusting my instincts. It''s amazing the ways that I used to talk myself out of what my gut was telling me. I became so defensive about my choice to stay with him when discussing it with family and friends that it became a belief, overshadowing my gut instincts that what I had to do was wish him well on his journey to find whatever it is he needed to find, and move along on my own journey.

I''m sorry to ramble but please, please listen to your gut instincts. You sound like a very strong and wise person- trust that.

Hugs,
Labbie

 

[KimberlyH]

Dixie,

I am so glad you are seeking couples counseling, I must ditto the notion that you seek individual counseling as well so that you can figure out what exactly you need to make it worth your while to stay and work through all of this, if that''s the choice you make. Only you know if you should stay or go and what it''s going to take to make things better, so I''m not going to say "kick him out" or "let him stay" but please figure out what you want and need and don''t be afraid to ask for it.

Take care, and I''m all ears (and peaceful thoughts and positive vibes). You will be okay no matter what happens.

 

[TravelingGal]

Ugh. Wouldn''t it be nice if we could travel life''s journey without all these painful experiences? I am so sorry Dixie.

Your man''s behavior is a bit of a mystery to me too. If he was really moving along without a clue all this time about his doubts, then slammed on the brakes - well, there are some issues there. Honestly part of me wonders if he is gay and couldn''t go through with it.

Theories aside, you''ve got some healing of your own to do. I agree with labbielove. When it comes to matters of the heart, too many of us listen to heart and head, but not the gut. We have a very basic instinct for survival and if your gut is saying something, you need to give it some attention, because it''s important to your WELL BEING.

What is it you are mourning Dixie? Start to look carefully at that. Were you looking at a life where you weren''t alone, had a father for your child, someone to help you around the house? Or are you mourning HIM? Did you want the "life" or the man? I think a lot of women just want the life and are scared to admit it.

If it IS him you love, then you have to ask yourself...is it worth it to feel 10 times worse than you do now if you invest more time and it doesn''t work out. Can you really handle rock bottom? Or will you be happier now to get out, even if the light is completely overshadowed by clouds?

Don''t wait until it''s completely dark Dixie...get counseling and get strong. Whatever you choose to do, you''ll need to be strong.

 

[luckystar112]

style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 63px">Date: 8/28/2007 5:41:14 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Did you want the 'life' or the man? I think a lot of women just want the life and are scared to admit it.

Totally agree. Falling in love with what you could have instead of what you have--and not knowing for sure if you can even have it or what the difference is.

 

[akw94]

Thank you everyone for all of your insight.

Deco, you''re right, going through the counseling is a huge risk. One I think I feel is worth it, although I''m just not sure about that right now. I''m hoping that these next few sessions will help me to determine that. No, he doesn''t seem like the person I knew or thought I knew. I''m trying to accept that this is who he is now or is choosing to be but that is extremely difficult. I do agree that I deserve more, someone who wants this as much as I do. There''s a part of me that''s hopeful that he''ll come back to that realization but also some part of me that thinks that if he has lost that, even temporarily, maybe that''s not who I want. If he doesn''t want me, why I am bothering.

Mara, you raised some interesting questions that I''ve been thinking about. No, I didn''t know he was having second thoughts or that he didn''t feel what he thought he should be feeling. Sure, we''ve had our share of difficult discussions but that''s b/c some issues are more difficult to talk about than others. But I always felt good that we''d been able to resolve those discussions and move forward together. Clearly I was wrong.
I am confused about what he''s feeling. He says that he has had some doubts. He says that he feels like we have a strong friendship but not something that can sustain a lifetime of marriage. He mentioned that he''d like something that''s more affectionate (but has never expressed this to me or made any showing of trying to make it a certain way). He says he feels guilty b/c he feels he pushed me into wanting to have children. This isn''t the case but it''s how he feels, I guess. We''ve talked about this and I thought we were both fine and were planning to have kids soon after the wedding. He says that I didn''t tell him other things that have happened in my life, previous to him, sooner vs. later. That I couldn''t open up to him when he felt the time was right vs. when I was ready. Which he''s right, I opened up when the time was right for me, when I was ready, when I felt safe and secure to share difficult past experiences. He also says he''s afraid of getting a divorce again. Honestly, I think this is the biggest issue. I think he''s scared and has let his fear take over vs. trying to work through these other issues.

Is he communicating? I think he''s trying to. I think he''s confused and it''s easier to cut himself off and leave the situation than to open up and try to express himself. But he says he''s willing to do the counseling and try and talk about things. He wants to figure out why he feels what he does. The counselor asked him if he''d like to deal w/the issues on his own, I guess he realized these were mostly his issues vs. mine. But he said no and agreed to the couples counseling, even though I don''t know that we''re a couple right now.

We are living together now and we both signed the lease so are legally obligated. I wouldn''t stick him w/the lease and I don''t feel he''d do that to me so one of us moving out is a problem. Plus, I can''t afford to live here w/o him anyway. Nor can I afford to pay him half and get my own place. But if we decide to split up, I am going to try and get the lease broken.. but I have a feeling that will difficult.

I appreciate the advice to take care of me right now. I have been trying, some days it''s easier than others. I went to work out today and that felt good. I''m trying to stay on track w/that and not let this take over, at least for too long at once. It''s hard.

Yeah, going away w/him would be hard but also hard not to b/c I want to spend the time w/him. But I want to spend it w/someone committed to us and as of right now, that''s not him. So I just don''t know. I feel so torn so often.

Marian, our counselor did ask us why we were there. That''s when I realized we had different reasons for being there. So I guess that''s a pretty good question! I never would''ve thought that we had a different reason. I doubt he would get his own counseling but maybe as the sessions go fwd, it will become an option to him.. or maybe not.

Janine, thanks for the reminders. I am trying to look out for myself. I just wish I knew what that meant right now. I''m trying to figure out what I want and need and it''s so difficult b/c what I wanted was us together. To think outside of that feels impossible. But I am trying. And trying to remember who I am in all of this, not letting this experience drown me. Because there are days I feel like I am falling and not sure how to pick myself back up. I never could''ve imagined how painful this would be. And I can almost understand his wanting to escape and just leave b/c it feels sometimes like it would be a welcome relief to just be done. But on the other hand, I want us.. what I think us is or was or could be. I don''t know. It''s all so confusing.

Be back in a bit to finish... Sorry this got so long.

Thank you everyone!

 

[akw94]

Ok, that was fast, now I can finish.

Janine, just wanted to add that No, I don''t think you were being harsh at all. I appreciate every persons perspective and am definitely learning and open to hearing everything. And I need to remember me first b/c it is so easy for me to forget that. So easy to only think about us.

Labbie, also, you were not harsh at all either and I really appreciate you sharing your life experience with me. You shouldn''t be ashamed and embarrassed. I believe that everyone has to do what''s right for them. I know that I won''t make it for too long though. I just can''t function in this state for very much longer. It''s taking such a huge drain on my life. But I also know that I''m not ready to leave yet, not w/o giving the counseling a shot. Can I ask, what happened to make you ready to leave? Did the counseling help provide any answers for you, help him and/or you to understand what was going on? I thought about trying to have the counselor institute some sort of timeframe for us but I don''t know if that''s appropriate or not. I just feel that I''ll need to evaluate how things are going at some point, to see whether it''s worth continuing. I can''t put my life on hold forever. I can understand the difficulty in not trusting your instincts. It is hard. It is so hard for me right now. I''m not even sure what my instincts are telling me, let alone trying to trust them. I am so confused and so .. I don''t even know the right words to use to describe how I feel. I am sorry you went through this too. I wouldn''t wish it on anyone. I wish I could just figure out what to do, what the right decision is, what is really going on w/him.

Kimberly, I wish I knew what I want right now, other than my relationship back. I know it''s silly to keep feeling that way when that has clearly ended but I still don''t understand how this happened. And it still hurts so bad. I don''t know how to move forward at all. I might seek individual counseling. I''m not sure yet. I''m not quite sure I can handle both indiv. and couples counseling right now, that might be a bit too intense for me. But I am considering it.

TGal, thanks for the questions to consider. I think I am mourning all of it. Him and the life we had and would''ve had together. It was him that I wanted, not just someone to fill the space. I''ve been in those relationships. I know the good from the bad. This didn''t feel like the bad. But that is something I''ve been trying to think about. What do I need from this relationship. What was I getting or not getting.
I don''t know if it''s worth it or if I can handle it if we go through all of this and then still separate. I just don''t know. I don''t even feel like I can handle what is happening right now, my emotional stability is falling to pieces day after day. I can''t see the light at all right now, it all feels so hopeless. Maybe it''s already completely dark and I just won''t admit it. I just don''t know which way to turn.

Luckystar, I definitely don''t have what I thought I did. I don''t know if I was fooling myself or he was fooling himself and me but I am thinking about what you guys are saying. All I seem to do these days is think about it.

I can''t express how much everyone''s comments mean to me. This is such a supportive group, and I feel silly going on and on about how I''m feeling but I know I need and appreciate the support and advice.

Thank you!

 

[poptart]

Hey there, I was just reading through this thread and wanted to extend my sympathies. I don''t really have any advice, but you sound like a strong woman, and even though you feel like you may not make it through, I think you will be just fine and it will all work out as it is supposed to. Best wishes to you!

*M*

 

[monarch64]

Oh Dixie, I''m so glad to hear from you again...even though you''re going through a terrible time right now I feel better knowing you''re hanging in there--if only by a thread--and that you''re ok. I''m always amazed at how much I end up caring about people I don''t even know irl, I didn''t realize that was possible until I became involved with PS.

You''ve been so strong and obviously are of great character, you have so much going for you as a person, your accomplishments in life, your son, etc. I really hope your guy is able to work through his issues and end up being a complement to your life and your son''s, you really do deserve that. If not, there will obviously be some very dark times ahead but I have faith that you are strong enough to withstand if things do end up falling through with him completely.

I have nothing to add that hasn''t been brought up already, just wanted you to know I respect and admire you, think you are a great person (from what I know of you from PS posts!), and I sincerely wish you the best. I don''t have the perfect marriage, and my DH and I have been to a couple counseling sessions together but I think we just had an incompatible counselor or we would''ve kept going. We both have issues, but we''re fortunate enough to have a very strong bond and a lot of love for each other as people, maybe we don''t get along fabulously all the time but we somehow manage to make it work. We both agreed before we ever got engaged that we did not believe in divorce and it would take something really horrible to resort to the "D" word, we''ve stuck by that through all the bad times so far...

Just remember one day at a time, try not to become overwhelmed as far as thinking about the future. I hope you''re able to find something neutral to do on the former wedding weekend...it will be a tough time obviously, but you will get through it. Hey, I don''t have anything going on that weekend except working Saturday during the day...if you want to meet and just forget about things for a few hours I''d be glad to join you!!!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Dixie sweetie, thank you for letting us know how you''re doing. I''ve been thinking about you a lot...I can''t imagine the difficulties you''re facing right now. I have to say that I think you are handling this very well given the situation! I can only imagine your surprise when you learned that your reasons for going to counseling were different...I am interested in why he only wants to continue counseling with you there...it''s like he''s clinging to something. I''d be willing to bet his fear of divorce is playing a large part in this whole ordeal, but in any event I wish these things would have surfaced much sooner for your sake.

You will get through this. I promise. We''ll help in any way we can. Take it one day at a time, hour by hour if you have to. I''d like to suggest some time away, by yourself, might be helpful right now but only you know what will make you feel better. I''m also definitely up for a Celebrate-Dixie gtg next weekend! Keep your chin up...whatever happens, you will emerge an even stronger woman in the end (if it''s even possible to be stronger than you already are!) I also wanted to ask how your son is doing. If you''d prefer not to share I totally understand, but I''ve been worried about him too.

Hugs,
M

 

[Kerbear560]

Hi dixie. I just responded to your post in my thread, and I figured I''d come over here to read more about your first counseling session, and see if I could offer any additional advice. To find out that you are going for two different reasons must be heartbreaking. You had every reason to assume that going couples counseling meant working on your relationship together, not him working on his issues himself. Although, I do understand where he is coming from- that he needs to figure out his own issues and work through them before he can think about working on your relationship. I can totally understand that you are confused about what that means for you two in the meantime, and wondering how long it will take him to figure things out. This limbo period is extremely hard, and only you can decide how long is too long for you to be in it. I do think that the longer it lasts, the harder it will be to continue to live in the same house with him. At some point, it may be necessary for your well-being to get some distance (which may also help him to realize what he would be missing). Above all else, you need to do what is best for you and your son.

I have a feeling you might be on to something when you say that him being afraid of getting a divorce again is the main issue. This is just me thinking out loud, but maybe he is so afraid, that the closer the wedding got, he started to panic, and came up with these "issues" to justify to himself why not to get married. Maybe that''s why he never communicated the issues to you before- because they aren''t really issues (or at least not as big of ones as he is making them out to be).

You may not feel like you''re coping with this well, but you seem very strong. Just continue to be strong, and take things one day at a time (I need to follow my own advice here). *hugs*

 

[janinegirly]

oh dixie, it is clear the confusion and pain you are going through in your posts.

all i can say is the hurt and pain is what is making the choices and clear judgement difficult to see..it''s very normal. slowly you''ll get through the hurt and look back and have more clarity. so just hang in there.

i still think you should consider some space from your bf to allow you and him to breathe, and most importantly for you to heal. the hurt and despair is a result of the situation and your bf. Being around it 24/7 has to be toxic...all the hoping, praying, clinging to something and seeing inklings of progress, then steps backwards---it''s too grueling!! i second someone else''s suggestion for a girls trip, maybe a spa? or a girls and kids trip somewhere? and don''t worry about leases broken..it happens all the time.

i''m curious if your bf (not sure what to call him...) has said anything about wanting to repair the relationship (and that marriage is still on the table)? that he wants things to be good between you 2? that he''s so sorry for hurting you? i mean something''s missing...a guy who loves you shouldn''t be putting you through this just so he can sort his feelings out--should have done that before proposing! please keep us posted, we''ll all help you try to get through this!

 

[KimberlyH]

Dixie,

Whatever you decide know that you have our support. If it helps to keep "talking" here, do.

~K

 

[labbielove]

Hi Dixie,
Sure I don''t mind sharing what finally got me to leave without looking back for one second.
I found out that his request for "taking a break" to figure things out (during which we were still seeing each other a couple of times a week and speaking daily) was really so that he could feel less guilty about cheating on me.
With a recently divorced mother of four who was a **friend**. She was on our co-ed softball league for about 2 years.
The way that I found out seriously is like out of a Lifetime TV movie (story for another time).
the story she was given by him is that he and i had broken up. So she also felt cheated, and constantly was calling me to ask details (like, did he see me on this date, did he tell me that they were planning to have a baby,etc.)

Of course a couple of days after I''d told him to hit the road he came back and said he''d ended it with her, I was his soulmate,
you name it. Three hours of this. He couldn''t understand why I couldn''t look him in the eye, I really couldn''t believe it.
Needless to say after I reiterated I was through, he went back to her and they were a happy couple for a while until she left him to remarry her exhusband, got redivorced, went back with my ex, and last I heard was back with her ex husband.

The moral of the story is, I always remember something I heard once in a lecture- your intuition gives you little whispers (something isn''t quite right) but we tend to talk ourselves out if it, telling our inner voice to shut up, everything is fine,etc. Then the whispers progressively get louder, louder, until wham- they turn into a Brick that hits us like a ton of lead. There''s no way we can ignore a brick being thrown at us.

The soap opera I found myself entangled in was "the brick". Looking back I''d had the whispers many times and hadn''t listened.

 

[onedrop]

Dixie: I just wanted to add my support to the overwhelming support you already have here at PS. Clearly, you are going through a confusing and painful time and unfortunately there is no quick fix to this problem. You have already taken a big step in trying to get clear about everything that is going on. You need to know that you are very courageous to go in search of answers. A lot of people would probably bury their heads in the sand and call it a day. I hope through the counseling you can begin to heal from all of this. And if your relationship ends up the better for it then great! If not, then at least YOU are stronger.

I really do wish you ALL the best in your new journey.

Hugs to you!!!!

 

[akw94]

Poptart, thank you for your sympathies.

Monarch, I appreciate what you said. I think you''re right, it''s that strong bond of love and commitment that makes the difference. With that, I believe you can overcome pretty much everything. Without it, there doesn''t seem to be much hope. I guess that''s what I''m attempting to figure out now. I thought we had that but he seems willing to give up w/o much of a fight. I guess the bond wasn''t really there if that''s his feeling now.
I am definitely trying to remember the one day at a time mentality. Whenever I think further, I almost can''t breathe and I have to bring myself back. This morning, I just had to rush out of the house b/c I felt like I just couldn''t manage one more second in there. I appreciate the offer to hang out that weekend. I''m still not sure what I''m going to do. I would like to hang out sometime soon though; I think that would be fun.

Irish, thanks for keeping me in your thoughts. As mentioned above, I think a get together would be fun and hopefully we can do that one of these days soon. I would like that. My son is doing ok, thanks for asking. He''s a bit confused and wish that I would tell him a little more info. about what''s happening but I think the specific, personal details of our relationship are just too much for him. So he knows the basics and is more worried for me than anything else. But he''s lost something too and I know he feels that loss.

Kerbear, thanks for coming over to this thread too. I think you''re right, the longer it lasts, the harder it will be to live there. I don''t know how long I can handle this period b/c I do feel like I''m on the verge of falling apart every day. I think that you''re theory of the panic and creating bigger issues to justify his feeling makes so much sense. I''ve felt that way from the beginning. The problem is, just me realizing it isn''t enough. I hope that counseling is able to help him figure this out somehow..if that is the case. Or at least help him to understand how to deal w/fear and how to communicate. But I don''t know how I manage while all of this is happening or where we are right now.

Janine, I am still thinking about taking a trip somewhere. It''s very hard for me to make decisions right now. It feels like every decision is such a big one, when in reality it probably isn''t that big.
Don''t feel bad, I''m not sure what to call him either. I don''t know that we''re really in any relationship right now, I just don''t know but it is something that is very painful to think about. He hasn''t said much about repairing the relationship. Well, one minute he says he wants to work on it and that counseling could help and the next he says that he can only focus on understanding the issues and then can move on to thinking about the relationship. But the confusing thing is that the issues are part of our relationship and we''re in couples counseling to talk about the relationship so I''m not sure they can be separated. If there''s no relationship, what are we going to couples counseling for? I don''t quite get it.
Yes, I agree, he should''ve done this before proposing. And honestly, I think he did think before proposing. He''s not the kind of guy that makes spontaneous decisions. But I think he got scared as it got closer and is allowing that fear to take over. As Kerbear said, he''s then using whatever doubts and issues there are to justify pushing me away and canceling the marriage. It makes so much sense to me logically but I guess, not to him.

Kimberly, thanks for the support!

Labbie and Onedrop, thank you for your responses! Unfortunately, I have to go be productive at work but I''ll respond later. I wish I had more time now!

 

[KimberlyH]

Dixie,

I''m so sorry you''re feeling so directionless. I too was wondering about your son but didn''t feel comfortable asking (I''m so glad you did Irish!). I''m sorry he''s struggling with all of this too. Just wanted you to know I''m still here, "listening" and supporting you.

~K

 

[lumpkin]

I am so sorry this is happening.

I think getting away by yourself is a wonderful idea. When you can be by yourself, without anyone else, you can truly just be you. Getting away and distancing yourself physically really will give you a new perspective so you can decide what you want to do. Hopefully there will be some way for you to move out until this gets sorted out. Maybe he can find a room mate or afford to stay there himself. I don't think you should feel guilty about "sticking him with the lease" because he brought this up after you signed the lease. At any rate, I hope you can find a situation that's more comfortable for you very soon.

Big hugs!

 

[akw94]

Labbie, thanks for sharing some more. I''m sorry you experienced that. I am trying to listen to my intuition, everything just feels very shaky and clouded right now. I can''t quite figure out what I''m feeling and it changes, moment to moment. I wish this was easier. I wish the right answer would just present itself right now.

Onedrop, thanks for writing. I hope counseling provides some answers also. I''m trying to be patient but that has never been one of my strongest qualities.

Kimberly, I appreciate knowing that you are around so thank you! Luckily, my son is very strong and adjusts well to change but yes, it''s a struggle for him too. I don''t think he''ll really admit it too much but it saddens me that he''s had to experience this as well. It''s not fair.

Lumpkin, thank you. I do need some perspective so getting away may be the right thing to do. I''m not sure. I hope my situation becomes more comfortable soon too b/c it''s certainly not right now.
But I''m hanging on somehow. I know that I''ve been through something tougher than this and survived so I will survive this. It''s just hard, very hard and very sad. So unexpected. Finally, in my life I felt that I could be myself completely, that I could open up completely to someone. I trusted him completely and had faith in him, as he had asked me to do and then he just let me down so deeply, so incredibly. It is not a happy place for me right now.

Thank you ladies! I have found a wonderful support system.

 

[Mandarine]

Oh Dixie...I am so sorry but also so proud of you. You are taking the correct steps...and this most be doubled as hard because of your son. Hugs go your way!!!!.

I guess we just never know what truly goes on in someone else''s head. You''re doing the right thing by going to counseling...at one point you will have to make a decision though...and I hope that is sooner rather than later. Whether it is to work it out or walk away...either case, I am sure you will do what is best for you.

I think to take time away and for yourself will definitely help. You may also wnat tos start up in an activity for you. I know this doesn''t seem like the time to pick-up a hobbie...but your body, mind and soul need some TLC...and some sort of activity could give you that...just a few minutes a day to do, think and feel something else. Just a thought.

Anyway, sorry it took me so long to reply...and thank you for your comments on my other thread, you''re so sweet.

Hang in there girl. God (or whatever higher power you believe in) doesn''t give us anything we can''t handle...so you''ll get through this. Be proud of yourself and give yourself a hug....you''re handling this with so much class and love.

Hugs,

M~

 

[akw94]

Mandarine, thanks for writing. Actually, I am working out in the evenings as some form of activity b/c I do need that release and a break. I thought about taking a class but not sure I''m quite ready to be social.

Tonight has been tough. I asked him to pick up the rings b/c they''ve been at the store for awhile. They were holding them for us until the wedding. And they wouldn''t take them back so I figured we better get them. He went and picked them up. Seeing my wedding ring was incredibly difficult. Of course, stupidly I tried it on, then put my engagement ring on w/it and it just hurt so much. More than I could ever express.
I wonder if I''ll ever be able to understand this. If I''ll ever stop being so sad. I know time heals and it always has healed but it feels impossible right now. But I left the house and went to workout so that helped a bit. But now back here, I just wish I could go away, anywhere to not have to live through this. I know that worse things happen to people so I feel bad letting this affect me so much but it is. And I don''t know how to stop being so upset. I just can''t believe it.. still .. after weeks have passed. Just unbelievable. Now I somehow manage through the evening. I think I will go back out b/c sitting here feels unbearable.
Thanks for listening and sorry for the sad post.

 

[KimberlyH]

Dixie,

If I lived in Chicago I''d drag you out for a drink, or a movie or anything...please take care of yourself this evening.

~K

 

[monarch64]

Dixie, I just wanted to say that whatever happens, I hope you don''t fear that if you guys do end up working things out and getting married, I (and I think I can possibly speak for others here) would not think any less of you or him. I know that that is sometimes an issue with breakups/makeups/whatever you want to call "situations" like this. Again, I''m so glad you came back to let us know the status of your overall mental and emotional health and kept us posted on everything.

I was just reading the local weekly paper and found something fun to do on Sunday, the 9th of Sept...it just relates to me but I hate going places by myself and would love to have company...it''s a Save the Prairie event in an adjacent suburb to me regarding the migration of monarch butterflies from 2-4 p.m. There will be a powerpoint presentation from some professor of biology from one of the universities in the city, followed by a possible release of monarchs into the prairie. I could be way off base here but maybe you and your son would enjoy it, or maybe just you (and Irish if interested), we could even have a glass of wine somewhere afterwards, hee hee. Just a thought...I don''t have any other friends who would be interested in going (they all hate bugs, lol) and DH will be consumed by football all day, soooo I thought I''d mention it here.

Take care, I hope you are getting enough rest and taking care of yourself in general. As my mom would say, "be a good egg.''

 

[akw94]

Kimberly, you are wonderful. Thank you! Actually, I took a long walk after writing that email. It helped a lot. I got back home and felt a bit better, more able to manage. Tried on the ring again which wasn''t the smartest thing to do but I seem to manage somehow, each day.

Monarch, I appreciate you saying that you wouldn''t think less of me. That is something I worry a little about but quite honestly, I know that I have to do what is best for me, even if others don''t agree. I was just told, moments ago, by my dad that I am pretty much doing things wrong and others think I''m making a mistake. That''s after I told him that I decided to go away the weekend of the 9th w/my ex-fi. He wasn''t thrilled but I have to live my life. And if it''s a mistake, I''ll find out soon enough. I just know that I wouldn''t feel good about myself if I just walked away and didn''t try. I know there are no guarantees and I won''t try forever, but for now, I know that I need to. I am hoping to talk in counseling about this limbo period and how to manage both for my sake and for ours.

Thanks for the invite out on the 9th, and I really do want to get together some weekend soon after the 9th. I just really want to be w/him on that weekend. Maybe it''s not the best for my emotional health but I still want things to work and I still want to spend my time w/him, even if it''s on the weekend we were supposed to get married. I hope I''m not being stupid but...
Oh, and I don''t particulary like bugs but I do like butterflies and the event sounds interesting. Don''t give up on me, I really do want to do something w/you and Irish soon!

 

[KimberlyH]

Hooray for a long walk Dixie! Just keep doing what you need to do to get through, I promise it will get better (and more clear) as long as you work at it. Hugs!

 

[Hera]

Dixie, So sorry to be hearing about the agonizing time you''re having in your relationship.

Here''s my perspective: I know there is a very large part of you that still wants to hold on to him, but I honestly think that space would be the best option right now. I read over your posts from a long time ago to get perspective and I feel he is very sensitive to pressure and he may be feeling pressure to respond. But enough about him and more about you. Are you taking care of yourself emotionally? Being around him may be doing more bad than good for YOU. I think you need to evaluate if he''s right for you! Maybe some space will give you some clarity. Here''s my story:

I once had a boyfriend of five years that I wanted to get married, but the proposal never came (unlike yours) He felt he wasn''t sure and that he felt our relationship should have less arguing etc (when all we did was argue about him making up his damn mind) I remember really wanting it to work out, but all the time we spent together just made it worse, like strained. I wanted him to fix himself and fast. It seemed like an easy thing for me to do, which is to commit, say yes or no to marriage and get married. Well, I went to a counselor and they told me that I had to figure out an acceptable timeline for myself to give my relationship. I told my boyfriend that he should have time by himself to figure out things on his own and make a decision. 6 weeks to be exact. Well, in the meantime I got no calls from him until 5-1/2 weeks later. I thought to myself, "do I want to be in a relationship with someone wishy washy like this. Will he be wishy washy like this in the marriage. Do I want to be in a relationship with someone like this?" My answer was no. I met my husband of ten years two weeks later. and he didn''t have a hard time making up his mind. He practically dragged me to the altar.

Now who''s to say if this is a minor hiccup and you guys go on to get married and have a long, beautiful marriage. I just think by taking some time off from each other both of you can get some clarity. Maybe it''ll be you who ultimately decides he''s not right for you!

Sorry if my post sounds impossible and torturous