Wedding Coping with new identity...i.e. the name change

[iheartscience]

Date: 5/10/2008 1:43:35 AM
Author: cara

Date: 5/9/2008 10:11:29 PM

Author: kittybean

I think all of the feminists (I''m included in that group) need to remember that your own last name is your father''s name and the name of the men in his family. I bet most of you do not have any portion of your mother''s name in the name you identify as yours. The whole concept of a last name is patriarchal. It has designated for centuries to which men women and children ''belong,'' be it fathers or husbands. Only recently, relatively speaking, has the concept of women and children as property of men been phased out of our social and legal structure. I understand the sentiment and identity associated with your own name--I feel very attached to mine--but we need to remember where ALL of the last names originated: a 100% patriarchal society.

Except much of what makes the re-naming woman thing so problematic is not related to lineage, it is related to renaming a woman midway through her life. Whether the name she was given at birth is patrilineal is irrelevant to the fact that it is the name that identifies this woman from birth until marriage. Then, at this marriage milestone, she is given a new identifier, erasing her old name from common usage, making it difficult to tie the pre-married woman to the post-married woman. Yes, the new identifier is also patriarchal, marking the woman with the name of her husband, and this is also problematic from a feminist standpoint.


But to me, the bigger issue is that taking the husband''s name erases a woman''s maiden identity and creates a continuity problem. There is no such imposition on the man unless he also hyphenates or changes his name, but in some ways this strikes me as a very unsatisfactory way to achieve equality as you impose logistical or continuity problems on two people rather than one.

I completely agree with Cara. I do realize that my last name is part of a patriarchal lineage. However, I wasn''t given a choice in that name-it was given to me at birth, so it''s my identity. I think that keeping my own name is still a way to interrupt the patriarchal lineage, even though I realize that my name is part of a patriarchal lineage.

If I do have children, their last names will be hyphenated and I''ll use their entire hyphenated name-no dropping either name for ease.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 5/9/2008 8:22:44 PM
Author: blinkydoll
but I was thinking ab this--- for those of you who did not take your Fi''s last name---- how were you anounced into the reception? I was just wondering how this worked?

and do you correct people if they introduce you as mrs. fi''sLastName?

I wondered about the announcement into the reception as well. But I figure I''ll just have the DJ say "Thing and fiance''sFirstName" instead of Mr. and Mrs. Blahblah, since I won''t be a Mrs.

I will most likely correct people if they introduce me as Mrs. Fiance''sLastName. I''m not married yet, though, so it hasn''t been a problem!

 

[musey]

As a disclaimer, my stance on this is likely influenced by the following things:
-My last name is incredibly common and boring
-I'm a younger bride (will be one month shy of 24)
-I grew up in the midwest, where changing your name at marriage was the 'default'
-I work in an industry in which people change their names, sometimes multiple times, on a whim

-

I'm changing mine, and always planned to... but when we got engaged I sat down to really think about my reasons to (and not to) change. Some people call it over-analyzing, I call it making an informed (very informed

) decision.

The "feminist" argument fell apart at the seams for me, quite quickly. We're mostly given our surnames, in the first place, as part of a tradition of paternal lineage (as kittybean was saying). In order to make our surnames all about our own identity, we'd have to each choose our own unique name at some point--free from influence of family or significant other(s). So I didn't feel like keeping my maiden name would be a show of feminism or personal identity (for me, personally, in my own case). It would be more a show of pride in my paternal ancestor(s) (à la TGal and Moonwater).

(Before you reply with the same anti-kittybean's-statement arguments, do know I've read and understand them--I'm just stating the logic for my own situation.)

So then I was left with, "do I keep it in order to honor my father?" which was the only logical explanation I could think of to do so, in my case. However, I've just never really thought of my surname as a source of identity for him--or me, for that matter--perhaps because it is one of those "FI's last name is as common as ________" names. So I didn't feel like it would particularly be honoring him, in our case, to keep it.


So there I was back at changing. To be honest, my favorite option would be for us to choose an entirely new last name, but FI's not keen on the idea. Since I don't feel strongly about keeping my old name, and he does, his is the one I'll take (unless I can get him to change his mind...

). My name flows well with his surname (so our friends tell me, it hasn't grown on me yet) so it will work out.

 

[Elmorton]

Violet - when I dropped my middle name, DH and I said we''d give it to our first daughter. I''ve since changed my mind (turns out I wasn''t as attached to my middle name as I thought) and the current plan is to give our children middle names that are their paternal grandmothers'' maiden names - which I like because then our children''s middle names resemble mine. Anyway, that''s just an idea for "what to do" with your middle if you choose to drop it.

Blinky - an friend of mine did "Mr. Firstname Lastname and Ms. Firstname Herlastname-Hislastname." ...It was a bit cumbersome, but I do think it''s important for you to be announced exactly the way you want to be referred to. For example, I hate being Mrs. Elmortonhubby Ourlastname - so when we were announced, it was "Mr. and Mrs. Elmortonhubby and Elmorton Ourlastname." I don''t know why, but my parents though that sounded really awkward (my dad announced us when we walked into the reception) until they started watching bridal shows and realized that a lot of people do it that way.

Someone mentioned traditions in other countries - I had a colleague who is American and married a French man (I don''t know if this has to do with the culture of naming or not though). For their two children, they decided that if their first child was a boy, he would have his father''s last name, and if it was a girl, she would have her mother''s last name. The next child would have the other parent''s last name. I''d imagine that schooling is a total mess, but it''s kinda cool.

I would also imagine that the name issue is getting substantially easier since the American family is so often blended.

 

[mjso]

I''m most likely going to change my name. My parents never gave me a middle name so I can just use my current last name as my middle name. Although I''ve somewhat come to terms with the idea of changing my name, it is still really emotional. And I''m probably the least emotional person I know.

I really really like my last name. And I am very attached to my family and I like having the same name as them. I guess I don''t want to "abandon" my attachment to my original family, even though I know that isn''t the case.

Both of our last names are very very common, so there''s not much of a difference there. My last name also makes a nice first name for a boy, and I thought about honoring my family by naming our son mymaiden hislast, but at the moment it sounds weird to me because my maiden name still sounds like a last name to me and when I say them together it sounds like a hyphenated last name instead of a firstname lastname. Maybe it will sound better if I can decide on a middle name to break it up.

It was very shocking to me to find out how important it was to FI that I change my name. But he''s from the midwest and from a very traditional family, so I''m not that surprised when I think about it.

My famly is also very traditional, and I kind of always knew I''d change my name, but I was not prepared for how emotional it would be.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 5/10/2008 9:19:50 AM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 5/9/2008 8:22:44 PM
Author: blinkydoll
but I was thinking ab this--- for those of you who did not take your Fi''s last name---- how were you anounced into the reception? I was just wondering how this worked?

and do you correct people if they introduce you as mrs. fi''sLastName?

I wondered about the announcement into the reception as well. But I figure I''ll just have the DJ say ''Thing and fiance''sFirstName'' instead of Mr. and Mrs. Blahblah, since I won''t be a Mrs.

I will most likely correct people if they introduce me as Mrs. Fiance''sLastName. I''m not married yet, though, so it hasn''t been a problem!

My officiant is introducing us as :his1st middle surname and my 1st middle and lastname. It''s that simple. I didn''t want to be mrs and I am not hissurname, so it really isn''t hard.

 

[spike13]

I think it''s interesting people see it as a loss of identity or somehow by indicating they''re not the same person is a negative.

I view it as a signal that a major change has in fact occurred. To me it signifies a new start and sharing a name (whether the man''s, woman''s or a entirely new one) represents two people in a family bond regardless of whether or not they have children.

When you get a PhD or MD, your name changes to Dr SoAndSo to signal the change. I see this in a similar light. Just as changing the honary you use communicates to others a piece about yourself so does sharing a family name.

That said, that''s just my view on changing my own name. I think everyone should do what feels right to them, as it is a very personal decision. There''s no right or wrong decision. I guess I''m lucky in that we both have unique names. Mine is one of those though that you have spell everytime to people. After 36 years of spelling it out I look forward to hopefully not having to.

Keep that in mind if you hyphenate. It''s a PITA factor to constantly have to correct your name with people and on documents. Might be a pratical downside to be aware of.

 

[diamondfan]

I am not totally a feminist. I took hubby''s name for a lot of reasons. Primarily because I did not feel that I had been known in a professional capacity by my maiden name, no established career etc so I really had no feel of loss giving up my maiden name. However, now that I have two male cousins who may not have any sons and one male cousin who died, both on my dad''s side, I feel a bit of loss. There is likely not to be any continuation of my family name from my immediate family on my dad''s side. Which does make me a bit sad now. I am also fairly traditional so it just seemed to be the right thing.

 

[beebrisk]

Interesting topic, but I do seem to be in the minority here.

I''ve never really considered NOT taking my FI''s name. I actually think it''s a lovely tradition and I like the fact that that as we become our own family, we will have the same name. (We are not having kids, so that doesn''t enter into it).

With that said, I''m probably a bit older than most of the LIW''s here. (I won''t say how old, but suffice to say "middle aged")
so changing my name will surely take some getting used to. But, I don''t really feel as if my name "defines" me. Changing my name doesn''t change me into someone else. My current name will always be a part of me and I can''t say I feel I am "losing" anything. On the contrary, I will be gaining a wonderful husband who I love dearly and I am proud and happy to become Mrs. Hisname

It also kinda makes me feel really "married" (if you know what I mean)-- and I like that!

 

[Laurie2]

This is my second marriage. I''m more than anxious to give up the name of my ex.

 

[Elmorton]

Diamondfan, when I woke up this morning I was still thinking about your post that I read last night... maybe I read it wrong (and if I did, please excuse this train of thought), but I don't think that a person is not a feminist if she takes her partner's last name.

I say this, because I am definitely a feminist - most of what I wrote and read during my education was from a feminist perspective, and the material that I teach and the way that I teach also tends to be influenced by feminism. That said, I made the choice to take my husband's last name. I don't see that decision at odds with how I think about equality, repression, and oppression.

As my husband pointed out this morning, the problem we see is really when one partner in the marriage insists that the other take his (or her) name. Then it does become an issue of oppression and repression (which is what feminism seeks to eliminate).

I chose to take my husband's last name because now my name represents ALL of me - I have the name my parents gave me and my last name represents the partnership I have with DH. When I see my name written out on paper, I see it representing my equal partnership, where my voice is very much heard, respected, and appreciated. I see nothing more feminist than that.

 

[diamondfan]

I just meant that while I have some feminist views and values in my life, it never really occurred to me NOT to take his name. Getting married and becoming Mrs. So and So was just sort of what I planned on, and I did not associate loss of identity etc with doing so. One, I am pretty traditional so it just seemed logical, and two, I had not forged a career path where going with my maiden name made sense from a recognizability standpoint. Nor did I want to hyphenate the two names though that certainly works for some people. I just know younger girls now who feel that they should not have to give up their names, and I do not/did not feel strongly that way...I think that simply taking on your husband''s name does not cause you to be lost...it is more complex to me than that. Of course, if you do have a strong disinclination towards giving up your maiden name, I would say, do not do it. But I think my hubby would have minded it if I did not. I guess feminist was the wrong word, since I consider myself, even within some traditional views, to be a "feminist"...maybe a traditionalist is more accurate. I just see it being brought up more from the other viewpoint, as a woman losing her last name to take on her husbands. I remember in You Me and Dupree Michael Douglas telling Matt Dillon that he expected Matt to take on his and his daughter''s name, not the other way around! Interesting. And in Spanish culture, I think BOTH are used regularly, and children have both their mother and their father''s name separated by an "y" so the lineage on both sides is clear.