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Wedding Coping with new identity...i.e. the name change

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Date: 5/9/2008 12:25:57 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Last night I was really glad I kept my name. We as a family made the decision to pull all the feeding tubes and other things out of his body (he has hated it and been miserable as he''s tied down so he doesn''t pull them out). Of course, this means that he will die quite soon. I just sat there in the room in tears, very proud and happy I was there as a (insert last name here.)
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I just wanted to say that you sound like an amazing woman. I''m very glad you felt so proud and happy to have kept your last name, but very sorry you are going through this.
 
TGal, reading that brought me to tears. I admire the respect and gratitude you have towards your father and am inspired by how you honored him in a way that was significant to you. I''m sure you''re emotionally overwhelmed right now, I hope you''re getting some rest. By the way, I try to stay updated on the pregnancy thread and was really, really moved by the story of your baby''s birth. The ladies on that thread are amazing!
 
Gwen, NEL, thanks. Don''t want to hijack your thread...so no more need for sympathies.
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Life happens, yanno? Life starts, life ends...and this is very evident in my own life right now. You do your best, make decisions that speak to your heart (like last name keeping) and don''t look back. No regrets ladies...life is too short.
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I think I will hyphenate. I have discussed it with FI, and while he is a little disappointed, he understands and will let me do as I wish. I think if I had married in my early to mid 20s it wouldn''t have mattered so much to me, but having lived with my name as it is for longer, I just don''t want to let it go.

I, too, am the last one. My father has a brother, but he never had any children. There was my sister, but with her gone, I am the last one. And I LIKE my name. I don''t dislike FI''s, but mine sounds good together. And my intials are A. A. Which is somewhat of a family tradition, as my grandfather and most of his siblings were also A. A.. The brothers would do things together like purchasing a brick with "A. Lastname" for local building projects. I always loved going with him, and saying it was my brick, too. I want to name one of our children with an "A" name, too, to sort of carry on. My last name could be considered a very German sounding first name, and shortened to Al, but FI doesn''t like that.

I will probably keep my last name if I re-enter theatrical design, because there is name recognition there, and my associates wouldn''t know me otherwise.
 
I am not too fond of taking FI''s last name. I am Italian and feel that my last name is unique. Usually my family is the only one with our name in the phonebook. FI''s last name though... well its nearly as common as Smith or Jones. Of course those are fine names for other people, but I fancy myself much different from most people and can''t see myself having such a common name. It''s VERY important to him though that I take his name so I plan on keeping all of my old names and also adding his.... so I''ll be oobiecoo middlename oldlastname newlastame. Would it still be possible to have people refer to me as Mrs. OldLastName or is that silly since its now a middle name?

I think the change is going to be difficult also because I''m still in school.
 
The name change has been a slooow process for me too. That was partly logistical too, being in an important part of medical school where a name change was not a good idea. But this past couple months has been TIME to do it if I was going to do it! I figured it would make the most sense to graduate with his name and start my professional career with the name that I am going to keep. But even still, I''ve been going by my parents'' last name because that is how everyone knows me here. I just went to the hospital where I will start my residency training and had to fill out tons of paperwork in my new name. It''s so weeeeird... I have to really think when people ask my name. But this was really important to my hubby, so I guess I will suck it up and get used to it.
 
I changed my name when I got married. I wish I had kept my maiden name as a middle or hyphenated last name.
 
Date: 5/9/2008 4:04:34 PM
Author: icekid
But this was really important to my hubby, so I guess I will suck it up and get used to it.
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Statements like this make me sad. I understand that it might be more important to a person's hubby that his wife change to his name than it is to the wife to keep her own...but it seems like there are a lot of cases (not necessarily in this thread, but in general) where it's equally important to both people, or even more important to the woman to keep her name, and she still changes it to keep the peace and make hubby happy. So even though it is a woman's choice, it's not really a fair choice unless she's completely happy and willing to change. I guess since women have been "sucking it up" for centuries, we're sort of conditioned to do it.

Even so, I feel like I give an awful lot to my FI on other fronts, and it's not going to kill him to be the one to suck this up. If it was the only thing he had ever asked of me, it would probably be harder to say no.

ETA: icekid, I wasn't trying to single you out particularly, it's just that you said it so plainly...no offense meant to you!
 
Date: 5/9/2008 4:17:06 PM
Author: Octavia


ETA: icekid, I wasn''t trying to single you out particularly, it''s just that you said it so plainly...no offense meant to you!
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Don''t worry- absolutely none taken! I felt pretty indifferent to changing or not changing (I suspect mostly b/c my fam''s name is pretty long and difficult). It''s weird because I feel much more connected to my family than to his, yet am going to share a name with his. What a bizarre system. If I had strongly wanted to keep my family''s name, believe me, hubby would be the one to deal
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A funny story too- I just today went to the social security office to change my last name there. When the receptionist type guy asked why I was there, of course I said I was changing my name. He asked forward or backward? Forward, I got married a while ago. He replied, "Aww, why don''t you make HIM change his name?!" It was a pretty unexpected comment coming from a 60ish man.
 
Hi NEL!

I''ve written about this here before because I had a hard time with the thought of changing my name also. I never really wanted to change my name but my FI DID want me to take his last name. We''ve actually fought about it at times. He''s said to me in the past that it wouldn''t feel as real if we went on in life with two last names. He wants to be knows as "the X''s." Plus, if we have kids, a family name would mean a lot to him (and to me as well, that part I do agree with). I had decided to keep my full name and just tack his name on to the end of my name -- so, four names, legally. I''d still be known as Mrs. X, it''s just that on formal documents, etc., I would use my four names. I wouldn''t want to hyphenate. We''ve gone round and round with this.

I''m going to go back and read the rest of the thread to see what everyone else has to say. I''m sorry you''re having a tough time with this. Maybe you''ve mentioned it since your original post, but what does your husband think?
 
I''m not 100% sure how I feel about it but I''d say that I more than likely will change my name as I want to share the same surname as D. The only thing is that I have a pretty unusual Irish surname while his is an extremely common surname so it''s going to take a while having the same surname as half this country!
 
Date: 5/9/2008 4:43:38 PM
Author: ZoeBartlett
Hi NEL!

I''ve written about this here before because I had a hard time with the thought of changing my name also. I never really wanted to change my name but my FI DID want me to take his last name. We''ve actually fought about it at times. He''s said to me in the past that it wouldn''t feel as real if we went on in life with two last names. He wants to be knows as ''the X''s.'' Plus, if we have kids, a family name would mean a lot to him (and to me as well, that part I do agree with). I had decided to keep my full name and just tack his name on to the end of my name -- so, four names, legally. I''d still be known as Mrs. X, it''s just that on formal documents, etc., I would use my four names. I wouldn''t want to hyphenate. We''ve gone round and round with this.

I''m going to go back and read the rest of the thread to see what everyone else has to say. I''m sorry you''re having a tough time with this. Maybe you''ve mentioned it since your original post, but what does your husband think?
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Hey, Zoe!

I definitely remember your post...that''s pretty much how I felt through the entire engagement period.

DH is supportive of whatever name makes me happy. I do value the idea of a family name, but sometimes I wish I''d waited a bit until we were closer to having kids before I changed mine. He never really said "I want you to take my name", but I could tell it was his preference. He said he''d completely support me if I wanted to go through the process of getting my name legally changed back to my maiden name. He also still uses it on forms--the other day he was renewing a subscription for us, and he wrote Nicole Maiden MarriedName--he knows I''m a bit touchy about it, haha.

For me, legally adding a second middle name helped, but it''s hard because your middle names are always dropped. I use both middle initials in my signature, but it doesn''t really help. All of our mail comes as "Nicole Marriedname". Maybe I''ll get used to it, I don''t know. I have a feeling you might go through something similar. Are you still struggling with it?

There are some times where it''s nice to share a name--travelling, opening accounts, etc., so it''s not ALL bad...I think I just miss my name or something.
 
I never really struggled with the name change aspect because I decided I would change it. However, I wasn't sure how to (i.e. add the hyphen or not). In the end I decided I would keep my maiden name professionally, but legally (and at home) I would be known as Mrs. Two Last Names (although everyone will drop the first). I felt like this way anything I was successful at career wise (including a book I may never write lol) would have my dad's name attached to it. My father died a few years back and he was never able to make something of himself, to say the least. So I sorta feel like I would do it for him by doing good by his name.

ETA: TGal I'm so sorry to hear about your father and I competely understand why it would be so important to you to keep his name.
 
A funny story too- I just today went to the social security office to change my last name there. When the receptionist type guy asked why I was there, of course I said I was changing my name. He asked forward or backward? Forward, I got married a while ago. He replied, ''Aww, why don''t you make HIM change his name?!'' It was a pretty unexpected comment coming from a 60ish man.
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Well, this man in Los Angeles actually sued to take his wife''s name: http://tinyurl.com/58tl8y
 
Date: 5/9/2008 4:43:38 PM
Author: ZoeBartlett
Hi NEL!

I''ve written about this here before because I had a hard time with the thought of changing my name also. I never really wanted to change my name but my FI DID want me to take his last name. We''ve actually fought about it at times. He''s said to me in the past that it wouldn''t feel as real if we went on in life with two last names. He wants to be knows as ''the X''s.'' Plus, if we have kids, a family name would mean a lot to him (and to me as well, that part I do agree with). I had decided to keep my full name and just tack his name on to the end of my name -- so, four names, legally. I''d still be known as Mrs. X, it''s just that on formal documents, etc., I would use my four names. I wouldn''t want to hyphenate. We''ve gone round and round with this.

I''m going to go back and read the rest of the thread to see what everyone else has to say. I''m sorry you''re having a tough time with this. Maybe you''ve mentioned it since your original post, but what does your husband think?
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This makes me nuts! I understand why people want to be a unit, but if it means so much to your Fi that you have the same last name, why doesn''t he take yours? Then you both get what you want.
In French speaking countries women don''t change their name, in German speaking countries it is rare, in Spanish speaking countries they have a hyphanated name and switch one out but keep one, in China they don''t change it and in Japan one partner usually changes, but it isn''t always the woman. For most of the world, this is a fairly strange custom.
 
I''m SUPER torn on the two middle name thing. My dad originally wanted to name me my middle name ''Hope'' but we went with my first name of Marian to honor my great aunt (his favorite aunt). I want to keep my last name though as a middle name when I take my FI''s name. We''ve both agreed that I''ll take his last name when we''re married, we want to have the same family name when we have children.

I''m just not sure what to do about my original middle name! It''s really bothering me to try and work out what to do about it. I could keep both middle and last but then my name is so long. Does it really matter if I keep both? I think I may like to.
 
Date: 5/9/2008 6:20:43 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy

Date: 5/9/2008 4:43:38 PM
Author: ZoeBartlett
Hi NEL!

I''ve written about this here before because I had a hard time with the thought of changing my name also. I never really wanted to change my name but my FI DID want me to take his last name. We''ve actually fought about it at times. He''s said to me in the past that it wouldn''t feel as real if we went on in life with two last names. He wants to be knows as ''the X''s.'' Plus, if we have kids, a family name would mean a lot to him (and to me as well, that part I do agree with). I had decided to keep my full name and just tack his name on to the end of my name -- so, four names, legally. I''d still be known as Mrs. X, it''s just that on formal documents, etc., I would use my four names. I wouldn''t want to hyphenate. We''ve gone round and round with this.

I''m going to go back and read the rest of the thread to see what everyone else has to say. I''m sorry you''re having a tough time with this. Maybe you''ve mentioned it since your original post, but what does your husband think?
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This makes me nuts! I understand why people want to be a unit, but if it means so much to your Fi that you have the same last name, why doesn''t he take yours? Then you both get what you want.
In French speaking countries women don''t change their name, in German speaking countries it is rare, in Spanish speaking countries they have a hyphanated name and switch one out but keep one, in China they don''t change it and in Japan one partner usually changes, but it isn''t always the woman. For most of the world, this is a fairly strange custom.
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Yup, and in Korea, I found out they don''t change theirs either. I was surprised, but I guess it makes sense in a way.
 
Well, I''ve always felt a little weird about changing my name...like I''m losing my identity. But at the same time I''m excited to start a new life as Mrs. FI.

Still, I wish I could put my last name as my middle name, but last name is sort of weird and it wouldn''t sound right. Not to mention that I already have two middle names.


I thought this was cool....
When FSIL had her baby (a boy) she made his middle name HER maiden name. Her last name was Martin, so their son is Caleb Martin ___________. I wish I could do that with our first baby, but again, my last name is weird.
 
I was sure i wanted to hyphenate my last name and his last name but now i''m not sure
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I like my last name--- and my art has my last name on it..sooo...It should def stay for my Prof world.........or just change it to bananahamick ;-) but not crapbag! lol

I kinda reallly don''t want to be refered to as Mrs. sameLastNameAsHisMOM------ew wierd


but I was thinking ab this--- for those of you who did not take your Fi''s last name---- how were you anounced into the reception? I was just wondering how this worked?

and do you correct people if they introduce you as mrs. fi''sLastName?
 
from when i was a little girl i remember thinking about how ''fun'' it would be to have a new last name....i used to love writing my first name with the last name of boys i had crushes on.
then into my adult life, i just didnt really like my last name very much (the sound of it, and the fact that other than my dad, i don''t like the rest of that side of the family the name is from)

but....now that i am about a year away from getting married, and have the possibility of changing to a really cool last name, i am starting to have reservations (for many of the same reasons that others have listed.) i am a teacher, too....i feel like my name is part of MY identity, whether i like the sound of my last name or not. the thought of dropping it all together does feel as though i am leaving my past behind me and becoming a new person.
i also feel as though the only person who i want to know as mrs. fi is mrs. fi''s MOM....not me. that part weirds me out a bit. i dont want to be the same as her as much as i love and respect her.

we''ll see...i may hyphenate, but i would want my name last...is there a rule to that? it just sounds better with his name first.

tgal - you''re in my thoughts and prayers. i admire your choice and your strength very much. also, congrats on your little one!
 
Date: 5/9/2008 8:22:44 PM
Author: blinkydoll

I kinda reallly don''t want to be refered to as Mrs. sameLastNameAsHisMOM------ew wierd
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hahahaha! i think we were typing this same sentiment at the same time! i just saw your post now
 
I had a hard time at first. I never realized it would hit me as I went from a complicated long last name to something super easy; in fact I was sort of looking forward to it until it happened. I felt like somthing important was taken away from me; I was pretty sad for a month because I had been Skippy Maidenname for so long it felt a part of me. Well after awhile I got over it but now I am glad I did it because my last name was so long but I can empathize completely w/you!
 
I think all of the feminists (I''m included in that group) need to remember that your own last name is your father''s name and the name of the men in his family. I bet most of you do not have any portion of your mother''s name in the name you identify as yours. The whole concept of a last name is patriarchal. It has designated for centuries to which men women and children "belong," be it fathers or husbands. Only recently, relatively speaking, has the concept of women and children as property of men been phased out of our social and legal structure. I understand the sentiment and identity associated with your own name--I feel very attached to mine--but we need to remember where ALL of the last names originated: a 100% patriarchal society.
 
Date: 5/9/2008 10:11:29 PM
Author: kittybean
I think all of the feminists (I'm included in that group) need to remember that your own last name is your father's name and the name of the men in his family. I bet most of you do not have any portion of your mother's name in the name you identify as yours...
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Actually, thats part of the problem that I have with changing my name, I DO have my mom's name as well as my dad's. I'm Laine Momslast Dadslast (all of my siblings have the same middle name as well). So I can't drop the middle to keep my maiden name--thats chosing my dad, and I can't just drop the last name and keep the middle--thats choosing my mom. So the only option would be to become Laine Momslast Dadslast Hislast and thats just a whole lotta last names.

My mom kept her name, so it never seemed odd at all to me, the family was still a unit, "the Momslast Dadslast's." BF, on the other hand had no idea women kept their names (he's from a small, very traditional town), my mom was the first one he'd met. He says he would rather I change my name, but that I can do whatever I like. He did say if I don't change it, I have to tell his family
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I'm not really sure what I'll do. Growing up, I think I figured I'd keep my name, but when I started dating BF, I thought I'd change it for him, but now that it is becoming more of a reality, and as I approach 30 years of having my name, I'm just not sure I can do it. Professionally, I'll keep my name--I'm in academia, so thats pretty standard. Socially, I don't care if people address us as the "Hislasts" or me as Mrs Hislast (though I'm not ok with Mrs Hisfirst Hislast!), but I'm not sure I'll change it legally, and I'm not sure what I would introduce myself as socially. I'd like to say that I'd be ok saying "Hi, I'm Laine Hislast" but I'm really not sure I can do it!
 
Ha - NEL - IK! I love it. I always thought your middle name was England.
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Anyhow, I had always known I wanted to keep my maiden name in play somehow - as many of you know, my screenname contains my maiden name. I''ve always loved the uniqueness of it, and love how it flows with my first name. So, I took DH''s last name, dropped my middle (which absolutely killed me) and moved my maiden to my middle. I''m used to it now, but I somehow went from an incredibly unique last name, to one that''s about #8 or #9 in the country.

Oh well - it''s done now, and I hear you on those little things - sometimes they never get changed over - I still use my maiden for lots of things - I have become too lazy, or it''s too much of a hassle to bother to fax my drivers'' license over.
 
Date: 5/9/2008 10:11:29 PM
Author: kittybean
I think all of the feminists (I''m included in that group) need to remember that your own last name is your father''s name and the name of the men in his family. I bet most of you do not have any portion of your mother''s name in the name you identify as yours. The whole concept of a last name is patriarchal. It has designated for centuries to which men women and children ''belong,'' be it fathers or husbands. Only recently, relatively speaking, has the concept of women and children as property of men been phased out of our social and legal structure. I understand the sentiment and identity associated with your own name--I feel very attached to mine--but we need to remember where ALL of the last names originated: a 100% patriarchal society.
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Actually, I did have a choice and I chose my fathers. I didn''t pick it because it was traditional, I picked it for a lot of reasons. My mom HATED her father and by extension, his heritiage of which the name is clearly a part. It is also not a pretty name and sounds bad with mine. On the other hand, my father loved his family and is very proud of his heritage. My first name is Irish, I identify with the Irish and I am half Irish so a clearly Irish name makes sense. On the other hand, I am less than 1/4th German and although I like Germans and have good friends there, my mother had a wretched relationship with her German family and has no pride, which transfered to me.

But I do not ignore my mother''s lineage. Actually, I just got our midochondrial DNA tested for a big world project on it. When the results come back, I will know something about my mother''s, mother''s mother, down the line back thousands of years.

I think what matters is choice and I just think its sad some guys want a "family name" and never even consider changing theirs, even when the woman wants to.
 
Date: 5/9/2008 10:11:29 PM
Author: kittybean
I think all of the feminists (I'm included in that group) need to remember that your own last name is your father's name and the name of the men in his family. I bet most of you do not have any portion of your mother's name in the name you identify as yours. The whole concept of a last name is patriarchal. It has designated for centuries to which men women and children 'belong,' be it fathers or husbands. Only recently, relatively speaking, has the concept of women and children as property of men been phased out of our social and legal structure. I understand the sentiment and identity associated with your own name--I feel very attached to mine--but we need to remember where ALL of the last names originated: a 100% patriarchal society.
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Not necessarily. A significant number of children born out-of-wedlock are given their mother's surname; increasingly, in families where the parents have two last names, kids are given the name of one parent or another but not necessarily the father's (i.e. girls get mom's last name, boys get dad's). While the patriarchal model is certainly more common, not ALL children have their father's last name anymore.

Even though I do have my father's surname, I still don't see it as choosing him over my FI -- I'm choosing MY OWN name, the one I was born with and have gone by all my life. I don't care where it came from, quite honestly. If it had been picked off the street and tossed onto my birth certificate, it would be mine all the same. I don't mind my kids having the same last name as FI, although we'll probably give them two middle names (a "normal" one, which may or may not be part of their legal name, and my last name, which will be a legal middle name) so that something in their documents/passports will match me, just for ease of travel and school registrations and stuff. I don't mind if they never use it except on official documents or even drop it when they get older (it's pretty long, but so is FI's name).

Small vent -- we just went to a get-together at an acquaintance's house, and all the girls I haven't seen in awhile started asking me (in front of FI) whether I was going to change my name. It happened once before, too, with different people. This is just so rude...I even felt a little awkward asking one of my BEST FRIENDS whether she was keeping or changing...I'd never DREAM of asking someone I didn't know extremely well!! Maybe I'm overly sensitive since this is kind of a touchy subject for us right now, but still. It's none of their freaking business.

DMBFiredancer, how funny you bring up the little girl "crush" thing. I was just the opposite -- I think I may have done it once or twice but even back then it felt ridiculous to me. It's funny to think that at 10 or 11 I already disliked the idea of changing my name.

FI's parents are divorced, and his mother no longer has the same name as him, so at least I won't be Mrs. HisMom'sLastName no matter what. But since his family is halfway across the world, it doesn't matter too much. The weird thing (to me) is that in his native country, women legally MUST adopt their husband's surname...and they were only given the option to keep their maiden name as part of their legal name (either moving it to middle or double-barreling) a few years ago. So I guess I understood a little better when I found that out why he'd more or less assume that I'd change, but he has also been living in the US for many years and most women in his profession don't change their names, so I thought he'd be used to it.

Sigh. I never realized the amount of justification I'd have to do once I got engaged (all of the reasons I'm listing on here are reasons I've actually had to give people IRL, like...oh...my mother). It's actually kind of nice to write them out, so I can remember my entire arsenal
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Date: 5/9/2008 10:11:29 PM
Author: kittybean
I think all of the feminists (I'm included in that group) need to remember that your own last name is your father's name and the name of the men in his family. I bet most of you do not have any portion of your mother's name in the name you identify as yours. The whole concept of a last name is patriarchal. It has designated for centuries to which men women and children 'belong,' be it fathers or husbands. Only recently, relatively speaking, has the concept of women and children as property of men been phased out of our social and legal structure. I understand the sentiment and identity associated with your own name--I feel very attached to mine--but we need to remember where ALL of the last names originated: a 100% patriarchal society.
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Except much of what makes the re-naming woman thing so problematic is not related to lineage, it is related to renaming a woman midway through her life. Whether the name she was given at birth is patrilineal is irrelevant to the fact that it is the name that identifies this woman from birth until marriage. Then, at this marriage milestone, she is given a new identifier, erasing her old name from common usage, making it difficult to tie the pre-married woman to the post-married woman. Yes, the new identifier is also patriarchal, marking the woman with the name of her husband, and this is also problematic from a feminist standpoint.

But to me, the bigger issue is that taking the husband's name erases a woman's maiden identity and creates a continuity problem. There is no such imposition on the man unless he also hyphenates or changes his name, but in some ways this strikes me as a very unsatisfactory way to achieve equality as you impose logistical or continuity problems on two people rather than one.
 
On the hyphenated thing.

I have one - my father''s surname and old family name rather than a mix of mother''s maiden name/father''s surname.

Personally I can''t wait to get rid of it.

FI was quite keen to have hislastname - secondhalfofmylastname for both our names. I''m still mulling that one over, but I don''t want to put my kids through the nightmares I had with a double-barrelled surname.
 
Hmm, that's an interesting idea, to take my mom's maiden name or my grandmother's maiden name as my middle name and J's last name when we get married...that's definitely more practical than making my current last name into my middle name. I think I like that idea, since I was very very close with my maternal grandmother who passed away last July. Thanks for the idea, ladies.
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