Wedding Coping with new identity...i.e. the name change

[NewEnglandLady]

Good monring, lovely PSers!

So I have a question for all of you...for those of you who are married and took your husband''s last name, how are you feeling about it now?

And for those who are soon to be married, are you struggling with the thought of changing your name?

I''ve been married for eight months. Throughout the engagement I struggled with whether to keep my maiden name. It''s not that I''m a hard-core feminist who thinks that keeping the paternal name is sexist--it''s just that my name is my identity and changing it has not been easy. I decided not to hyphenate for fear my maiden name would just be dropped once we had a family (and having a "family" name is important to both of us). Instead, I decided to keep my maiden name as a second middle name, which in the state of MA requires going through a legal name change process where you have to pay to change your name, go to court, have the added name approved by a judge, etc.

I''m realizing now that I think legally changing my name was just a form of therapy for me, haha. The truth is that the world isn''t meant for a woman with two middle names and more often than not I''m just referred to as Nicole Hislast. I feel guilty, but I don''t like it. I thought I would get used to it, but I haven''t yet.

When you change your name, it takes a long time for everything to be rolled over. The SS card, passport and drivers license are all easy enough, it''s the smaller things like your paypal account, utility bills, etc. that seem to take longer. The other day the cashier at Blockbuster asked me if I wanted a new card and I literally yelled out "NO!" because I don''t want to give up the last remnants of my maiden name. It''s like my old identity doesn''t exist anymore.

I know this might sound crazy--my mom thinks I''m nuts. She says a name is just a name and who cares if it''s changed. She tells me it''s my ego, haha.

For me, the whole name change thing was the hardest part of getting married. Not just logistically (because of the whole legal thing), but emotionally. I''m wondering if any married ladies have gone through this or if any engaged ladies are anticipating it?

 

[Haven]

I''m having some similar difficulties, NEL. We''re getting married in less than two months and I''m still undecided about what to do. Originally, I was all about taking his last name. Now that it''s getting closer to the wedding I''m having some anxiety about it.

For me, it''s not just about my identity as an individual, but also about my family identity. When (and if) I take FI''s last name it will feel like I''m leaving my old family behind a bit, which makes me sad.

I''m also a teacher, so I hear "Miss HavensSurname" ALL.DAY.LONG. I think I''m going to keep my last name at school because I''m just not ready to be Mrs. FisSurname.

So I know my response isn''t really any help except to say I hear ya, girl. I really do.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I changed my name to hubby''s right after we got married. For me it wasn''t such a big deal. I wasn''t totally in love with my former name so I had no qualms about "giving it up". The fact that my last name now matches my husband''s and not my father''s doesn''t change the fact that I''m still my father''s daughter (if that makes any sense). I''m still me, just with hubby''s last name and not my father''s.

It did take some adjustment - especially since I deal with a lot of people on a daily basis and when I returned from my honeymoon with a new name some feared that it wasn''t actually me anymore but someone else completely. It was also interesting to adjust to signing a new name on things - for purchases, on checks, correspondence, etc. but that comes with time.

One deciding factor for DH and I is that we want our children to share a name with us and we both think it''s silly to come up with an entirely "new" name for the family.

Good luck!

Jess

 

[sumbride]

You know, I thought I would, but it hasn''t really been a big deal. I did keep my maiden as second middle, which luckily wasn''t difficult in Maryland, but yeah, it doesn''t get used a lot. There''s no place on forms for 2 middle names, and it does confuse people when I write it because my maiden name is decidedly a "last" name and nobody understands. I get a lot of "so your last name is which one?" and such. I imagine someday I''ll just stop using it because of ease. I''m not all that tied to my last name as "my identity" but I didn''t really want to give it up because it is still MINE. I think it''s appropriate that on my passport my "given name" is my original 3 names from my parents and my surname is my new last name. Like "yep, that''s what they gave me... first middle maiden" and here''s my last." It did take me a while to get used to being called by the new name, but it''s like a conscious effort to listen for it and say "yes, that''s me." Now it''s weird to use my maiden name when I call a company I haven''t changed yet.

I frankly have not gotten around to all the paperwork with other companies yet though... I think I''ve been lazy about it because it hasn''t been a big deal yet. Since my maiden name is on my license along with my last, nobody has even thought to question me. I do need to get around to it, but at the moment, I''ve changed 1 of my 2 bank accounts, 1 of my credit cards, my gym membership, and my costco card (because I lost the first one... but they spelled my name wrong!). And of course, SS, DL, passport, work, and one frequent flier program.

DH was kind of annoyed/confused that I did the 2 middle names thing because he hadn''t heard of it before, but people just call me Mrs. hislastname most of the time, and I''m ok with it. I think he''ll forget about it soon enough. His family doesn''t know about it really so they can''t tease him about it like he was worried about.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Aww, Haven. Thanks. I can imagine it''s even worse when you''re a teacher since you are referred to as Ms. Haven multiple times a day! I kept my maiden cosmetically at my old job, though I HR had to change it in their legal records. I started a new job about a month ago and am using my married name. If I were to refer to myself as Nicole Maidenname, nobody would know who in the heck I was talking about. It''s odd.

Thanks for the understanding, Haven. I get the feeling this is common--I''ve talked it over with a couple of recently-married friends. Some feel like I do. Others are happy to take the new name (I''m jealous). I''m sure there are some books I should be reading about it, haha.

 

[iheartscience]

I'm not changing my name when I get married, so I haven't had to cope with this. I am a hard core feminist, so changing my name just doesn't sit well with me. It is a major part of my identity and I can't even imagine not having it anymore. However, if a woman wants to change her last name, and it's totally her decision (i.e. her husband isn't insisting) then I have no problem with it. I know tradition is hard to let go of, and even without tradition, it is a nice idea to have a family name.

I'm not going to hyphenate, either, although I do have two friends who both hyphenated their names when they got married. It was really logistically hard for the guy to change his name, though-similar to what you had to do. I have had TONS of people ask me if I'm going to, but I haven't had any real pressure, which is nice. My fiance doesn't care at all. Plus he pretty much knew from day one that I would never take his last name. If we have kids they'll have hyphenated last names.

I'm sure it's hard to deal with getting a new name put on everything you own. I also think that since women tend to get married later these days, they've had their names in professional settings for years and their identity is built around it, more so than if they were getting married at age 19.

I guess I don't have any words of wisdom since I'm not dealing with it, but there's my 2 cents!

 

[gwendolyn]

I've had quite a few friends drop their previous middle name and replace their maiden name with it, so they still have three names (not quite so confusing to others), and since most of them felt much more attached to their old last name than their middle name, that's how they decided to do it. I kind of like that idea, especially since it's not all that uncommon (in my experience anyway) to come across people who were given a surname as a middle name at birth (one of my best friends has her mother's maiden name as her middle name and it sounds lovely, probably because it's a simple name, Mills). Unfortunately for me, my last name is long (12 letters) and very Polish, so it would be rather awkward if I wanted to make it my new middle name. J had talked for a while about taking my last name because it's "interesting" and his is "boring" but, as a teacher, I think "boring" is generally a lot easier. My kids at school butcher my last name so often, I just have them call me Miss S most of the time!

I don't feel *too* weird about the thought of taking J's last name, at least now, but I do have a bit of a feminist streak in me with some things (I don't like the idea of taking his name if it somehow could be interpreted as him owning me or anything, just like I don't like the idea of him 'asking for permission' to marry me--it's nice, but I'm 30, it's *my* decision to marry you or not). Sometimes I feel like it's antiquated, and other times I feel like it would just make life so much easier. There's only so many trends I have the energy to buck in one lifetime, I think...

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Thanks, ladies.

Sum, you''re right about two middle names. Instead of choosing one, I''ve just started combining them, haha. I usually use my initials, which amusingly enough is "IK". I essentially paid money and went to court for the name "IK".

Thing2, I can really relate to where you''re coming from. If we were on the fence about having kids, I think I would have kept my maiden. Or at least given it more time....

 

[sumbride]

IK! love it!

Mine are DC. And, um, did I mention that I actually WORK in Washington, DC and don''t live very far away. It''s kind of awkward. People think it''s fake. I changed my name at the bank I used to use and when it came to what to put on my check card I said I wanted DC as the middle initials and the guy actually LAUGHED at me. LAUGHED. Meanwhile he was holding my license in his hand so he could tell I wasn''t making it up. I closed that account about a month later when we decided to open our joint account at a bank where they don''t LAUGH at their customers'' names!

 

[star sparkle]

What''s weird for me is that before I started reading here on Pricescope about ladies'' struggles with changing their last name, the thought never really crossed my mind. I always thought I would take FI''s last name and was perfectly happy with that.

Now reading about other peoples'' struggles with it, I''M now starting to doubt it and myself! I can''t hyphenate because my last name is already hyphenated, and I don''t think I could have a hyphenated middle name. At the same time, I''ve always wondered what it''s like to go through life with a non-hyphenated last name and I really want us to have a family name. But at the same time again, my hyphenated last name is ME.

I guess I''m just weak minded.

 

[blondie23]

NEL...I am getting married in 2 weeks and this is my biggest cause of anxiety....I LOVE LOVE LOVE my last name...I don''t want to lose it, but at the same time, I want to take my FI''s name too....I''m thinking of replacing my current middle name with my maiden name and then taking his last name...I just don''t know....I seriously feel like I am losing a part of me...I mean most of my friends don''t even call me by my first name...people always call me by my last...it''s like my nickname...i don''t know

...I''m sorry I can''t be more help

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, changing my name was never even an option for me. My name is full of family history, and that''s a history of overcoming enormous adversity. Plus, in my line of work, if your name changes, you may as well start your career from scratch, as people know you by your work, branded with your name.

My name is a really, REALLY central marker of who I am. Even my middle name, which was my great-grandmother''s name comes with a story that is very important to me and how I got to be who and where I am. So I could never give up my middle name OR my last name.

So NEL, I can imagine how you feel. And I just decided to be selfish here and be who I am, even if it ends up causing my future kids a little trouble some day. My mom and I didn''t have the same last name, and it was never a big deal to me.

It''s so personal, and the important thing is to do what is best for YOU, whether that is sharing or keeping a last name. But I think what NEL is saying is a good warning: be sure you know what YOU want to do and how important it is to you either to keep or to share a name. Think it over carefully.

All that said, I thought it would bug me to be referred to as "Mrs. Hislastname" but a few people have done that, I think it''s kind of fun! And I LOVE being called Mrs. Mylastname.

I call my grammy and say "Hello? Is this Mrs. Ourlastname?" and she says "Yes?" and I say "But you can''t be Mrs. Ourlastname! I''m Mrs. Ourlastname!" Then we both giggle.

We are the only two Mrs. Ourlastnames.

 

[Aloros]

I love my last name! My middle name is a reflection of my chinese heritage, and my last name is a reflection of my scottish heritage. So I don''t want to lose my middle name in favor of my current last name. My FI''s isn''t horrible, but it''s not something I''m super-enthused about. But...it''s just a name.

I''ll probably keep my maiden name for my pen name, and take FI''s name legally. I want to have that "family name".

Then I can have both!

 

[AceP]

I got married in March, and I''m still really torn on this issue. I did not change my name. It was partially practical: I''m a journalist with an established byline, and changing it would just cause a lot of upheaval. But, it was also a partial act of defiance, as much as I hate to admit it - a touch of you-can''t-tell-me-what-to-do-with-my-name-this-isn''t-1954-thank-you-very-much. I sort of like it when people ask me what my new name is, and I say "AceP Maiden Name."

But, I''m torn. My husband has not pressured me. But he makes no bones about the fact that he would prefer a "family" name. And, I admit, I like the idea of sharing a name with him - we''re a unit, and it seems appropriate. Making up a new name seems arbitrary, especially because we both have nice last names.

Just for the record, we''re undecided about whether we''ll have kids. If we do, they''ll have his name, I would imagine.

That really doesn''t help you, I''m sure. But I feel your pain, if that counts for anything. I''m strugging a bit with not having changed it; I imagine I''d be struggling even more if I had changed it.

 

[Sha]

I know how you feel. I''ve been married for about 6 months now and haven''t officially changed my name either. It just feels so strange to go from being Ms. X for 31 years of my life...to being Mrs. Y. Most everybody knows me as Ms. X, and I also built my professional identity under that name...so switching to something completely different is strange - - it feels like people won''t know who I am anymore.

Almost like I have to rebuild my identity from scratch..you know?

So far I''ve been switching between using a hyphenated name, his last name only, and my last name only. I use the hyphenated name for banking and bills etc, since I haven''t changed my IDs yet. At work I''ve just switched to his last name, since nobody calls me the hyphenated name anyway. It''s funny, though - half of my clients know me as Ms. X and the clients I got after I got married know me as Mrs. Y. So when I call them I have to remember which name to use, and sometimes I get mixed up, and they ask, "who''s Mrs. Y?" Then I have to say, "Sorry, this is Ms. X!"

So they know who''s calling.

It gets confusing sometimes. I would really prefer to use a hyphenated name to avoid all that confusion but people don''t like having to call long names, I guess.

Socially, I use his last name most of the time.

It''s definitely an adjustment, though. Guys don''t have to think about this.

 

[Krissie]

I think I will keep my surname for a while - mainly because of travel plans (frequently in and out of the country, on my passport with MY name) but also because I want to let it sink in a while before I make a final decision. It makes me smile to think of myself as Mrs. Hislastname; but I''m also almost 30 and spent my whole life with mylastname. I''m also an only child, and have all my degrees in my name, and I''m kind of attached to it.

I thought about hyphenating the two, or using both, but our surnames are pretty similar and it would sound goofy.

I think socially I will refer to myself as Mrs. Hislastname, but it will take a while for me to make the formal adjustment.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Reading this is helpful for me...I''m not a journalist, but have published some things in my maiden name and you''re right, I think it does make a difference. I recently switched fields and thought it would a "fresh start" for my new name (no more publishing pieces), but I don''t know...

DH is very supportive for me to take any name I want and suggested I give it to at least 1 year to see if I want to go back to court to change back to my maiden name. I think I would be happy with it until we had kids and then I might regret it.

A good friend of mine kept her name until she was ready for the switch, which wasn''t until they started trying for a baby. At that point she felt ready to take his name. I kind of took the "plunge right in and try to embrace it" approach, haha.

 

[Octavia]

I never thought I would struggle with this because I''ve always planned on keeping my own name. For me personally, the whole "family unity" thing is kind of BS. I know plenty of people whose parents had different last names and they turned out fine, and I also know lots of people whose parents divorced, remarried, and took new last names, thus destroying the "family unity" they once had (which is truly sad, but it''s the way of the world).

For me, keeping my name isn''t really based on family history, it''s based on the fact that this is me. Take me as I come. I''m not a''changin'' for nobody.

Unfortunately, FI wants me to change, which actually surprised and disappointed me when we discussed the issue because I didn''t expect that of him. He''s not going to pressure me, but he wants it. And I hate hurting his feelings, which is the only thing that causes me inner turmoil. While I love his name for him, I DO NOT LIKE IT for me at all. He''s from another country, and while I love and respect his culture, I am not from there and I bristle at the idea of carrying a name that doesn''t reflect me in any way. I''ve tried over and over to think/say my first name with his last and it''s just so completely wrong, I can''t do it.

Hyphenating is out, unless I want my last name to be 23 characters long.

I promised FI that I''ll think about it, and he said that when I make my decision, let him know. The thing is, I''m 99.98% sure I have made my decision, but I''m going to wait until a few months after the wedding to be absolutely, completely sure.

Finally, I have a somewhat irrational loathing of the word "Mrs." It makes me kind of sick to my stomach and images of Stepford Wives flash through my mind. Don''t ask me where it comes from, I have no idea.

Hopefully the world will catch up to us someday.

 

[Kismet]

I too did the 2 middle name thing, although I didn''t have to go to court to do it and I am in MA, but this was 10 years ago. It was a bit more of a wrench than I thought it would be to give up my maiden name but it wasn''t horribly bad. I was kind of looking forward to getting rid of it because almost no one ever pronounced it correctly. Even if they *knew* how it was pronounced if they saw it written down they''d pronounce it incorrectly. And it was certainly weird learning to use the new last name. I answer my phone at work with my name so for the first several weeks after I got married I had to consciously had to think about what my name was before answering the phone. It didn''t help much either when it was my mother calling and she''d laugh and go "ooh, say it again, say it again." :p I did put my foot down when my mother addressed a birthday card to me as Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname. I told her I gave up my last name, not my first name and to never address me that way again.

 

[peanutjewel]

I have not decided on whether or not I''m changing my last name...I''m the last in my father''s fam so it''s a little hard. I like my FI last name, even with my name, but I don''t know. My best friend didn''t change her name, and the only prob she has is with her MIL. But I did have a professor in Boston who hyphenated her last name...but so didn''t her husband, and their children''s are hyphenated as well. Her 2 last names sounded awesome together, though.

 

[blondie23]

Yeah that is another thing that stresses me out...my FMIL...I now I should do what I want but I KNOW that she will not agree with this and everytime we get together will make some snarky comment about it...I don''t know...I''m proud of myself because over the past year my FI and I have established some really good boundaries so maybe she''ll thik twice before commenting

 

[Elmorton]

I think the name change ruined our honeymoon... I think that's one of the things that I was so anxious about that I just wanted to go home and get it over with! In IL, changing your name is insanely easy (think the Friends episode when Pheobe changes hers to Princess Pheobe Bananahammock or whatever), so that wasn't a problem from that standpoint. I dropped my middle name and took my maiden as my middle and DH and I share his last name.

But it was difficult. I'm an only child...of an only son...of an only son. Basically, the line ends with me. Also, the middle name I dropped is my maternal grandmother's name. My father did have a little opposition when I told him I was going to drop my middle - he said that he and my mother didn't name me for some willy-nilly reason, and he thought that I should either keep my name or just take DH's. Strangely, that was the most compelling opposition to changing my name. Any time I mentioned to DH that I was nervous about the transition, he'd suggest that I just keep my name. But it was something I wanted to do. I can't reasonably explain why I wanted to (I don't think having parents with different last names affects children, I do think that the woman dropping her name helps foster a patriarchal society), but I did. Actually, thinking back, the reason I wanted to change it was because I wanted a new start, a new identity, and I like how the name change symbolizes a new life together. That didn't stop the apprehension, though.

It's been almost a year - sometimes I get mail addressed to my old name and it takes me a second to figure out why it doesn't look right. I've sortof settled into my new name. Right after we got married, I was job searching, so I made sure my full name was on ALL of my application materials. This threw off my new employer, so anything with my name on it had my middle and last, sometimes hyphenated. You should have seen what my first e-mail address was before I requested they change it. In some way, I think this helped me transition. When I started at another school, I left all three names on the resume but always introduced myself as just my first and last names, so there hasn't been any question where I currently work as to what my middle name is doing there hanging around. The weirdest decision was when, recently, I started freelancing for our newspaper, I decided to only have my first and last as my byline - I'd always said that when I publish, I'd do all three (and I will do this for all academic publications), but people here do just know me as my first and last names and three (long) names is a little pretentious for the paper.

I'm also a teacher, and while I ask my students to call me by my first name, many students still prefer to use some sort of title with their teachers so I hear Mrs. _________ somewhat frequently. It sounds right to me now, though I'll admit it didn't at first.

The newness and weirdness definitely wore off for me, and I'm happy with my decision to change my name. But it's not like that for everyone. Two of my friends got married within a month of me, and both have put off changing their names (both are still students, and changing names is a bit of a mess when you're in school). This past winter, we were talking about the name change thing, and both said that they hated being called "Mrs. ____" and wanted to keep their names, but were worried about broaching the topics with their husbands, since they'd both said previously that they would change it. Their husbands were both offended (! I was really surprised by this) by the idea of the woman keeping her name. One of the husbands even said "but my friends will think it's weird" to which my friend replied "I don't care if our friends call me Mrs.____, but professionally, I want to keep my name." There's STILL resistance. The other friends simply despises her husband's name (she's also a performer, so she'd keep her maiden name on stage anyway). While I like both of my friends' husbands, I will say I was really surprised by how sensitive they were to the topic. It seems very close-minded to me.

I think the professional thing plays a really big part of it all. I think of my professional accomplishments as being mine alone (even though DH is my biggest support), so that's why I want all three of my names on anything I publish, and I keep them all on my vitae. In grad school, several friends advised me to keep my name, because it keeps all of my work cataloged under the same name. Since I haven't published anything that I care about and plan to be married for the rest of my life, I decided that wasn't a big factor for me, but I can see how it is for some women. Oh - one more comment though - Most of my married, female professors in grad school kept their names. One of my profs though, whose academic work was decidedly feminist, took her husband's name as her middle and retained her last name. Formally or in print, a person would use all 3 names, though it was acceptable to call her Dr. Lastname. Apparently, awhile back, when she was attending a conference, someone came up to her and started railing on her that she couldn't be a true feminist if she took her husband's name. My professor snapped back: "I changed it because I love my partner more than I love my DADDY." That story really helped my inner feminist rationalize my decision.

I know I've been rambling on...but I think the bottom line is to trust your instinct. I was anxious about the name change, but I wanted to do it, and eventually, the strange feeling just went away. If the nagging feeling is more than anxiety and feels like you're making the wrong decision, then it probably IS the wrong decision.

 

[AceP]

Date: 5/9/2008 11:16:24 AM
Author: Octavia
I
Finally, I have a somewhat irrational loathing of the word ''Mrs.'' It makes me kind of sick to my stomach and images of Stepford Wives flash through my mind. Don''t ask me where it comes from, I have no idea.

My husband is a doctor, and I have that same kind of reaction to being labeled Dr. and Mrs Blah Blah. I hate hate hate it. It''s really not rational.


I do think that "Mrs." is beginning to fall out of the lexicon (except for in terms of formal etiquette rules)... As I mentioned earlier, I''m a journalist for a very large national publication, and we are actually not allowed to use Mrs. in print. It''s Mr. So-and-so said this and Ms. So-and-So said that. Period. As it should be. I mean, what does marital status have to do with it??

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/9/2008 11:34:12 AM
Author: AceP

Date: 5/9/2008 11:16:24 AM

Author: Octavia

I

Finally, I have a somewhat irrational loathing of the word ''Mrs.'' It makes me kind of sick to my stomach and images of Stepford Wives flash through my mind. Don''t ask me where it comes from, I have no idea.

My husband is a doctor, and I have that same kind of reaction to being labeled Dr. and Mrs Blah Blah. I hate hate hate it. It''s really not rational.

Silly as it sounds, that''s actually one reason I''m considering (eventually) getting my PhD. *I* want to be the Dr., and make J be the Mrs.

 

[AceP]

Date: 5/9/2008 11:46:56 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 5/9/2008 11:34:12 AM
Author: AceP

Date: 5/9/2008 11:16:24 AM

Author: Octavia

I

Finally, I have a somewhat irrational loathing of the word ''Mrs.'' It makes me kind of sick to my stomach and images of Stepford Wives flash through my mind. Don''t ask me where it comes from, I have no idea.

My husband is a doctor, and I have that same kind of reaction to being labeled Dr. and Mrs Blah Blah. I hate hate hate it. It''s really not rational.

Silly as it sounds, that''s actually one reason I''m considering (eventually) getting my PhD. *I* want to be the Dr., and make J be the Mrs.

Yeah, that''s probably part of my issue... my mother is a doctor, my father is not. Back when i was growing up, people did not know how to address mail to them We got all sorts of crazy stuff: "Mr. and Dr. AceP''s Dad''s names." Stuff that just didn''t make sense. Now, there are templates for that. So maybe I feel like I''ve regressed. Which rationally, is absurd. If I chose a field that doesn''t require a doctorate, how is that feminist regression? Of COURSE it''s not. I actually work in a place with far far fewer women at the top than most hospitals have these days. But it still makes me feel a bit strange.

 

[Pandora II]

I have a very uncommon and very long surname. I''m keeping it for work and for politics.

FI has a very short surname and I will be taking that for social things, my passport, bank details etc. I also have a very small business that I hope to expand in the distantish future and I don''t really want my political career associated with it in any way and vice versa so I will use his for that.

I''m quite looking forward to being able to fit my name on forms and not have to spell it to people all the time!

 

[sputat]

I've decided to stick with my name for a while and perhaps change later once we start a family. I already have 4 names (Grandma's name - Other grandma's name - Mom's maiden name - Dad's last name)... errm, I was the first granddaughter for both sides. Anyway, I asked my guy what he thinks and his mom also had kept her name so he claims it's not a big deal. We'll see. I do want to have the same last name as my kids... I think that will be the push.

Slightly OT: What I did do was after I got engaged, I had my last name tattooed on me since I will always be a "my last name". LoL I haven't gotten any new tattoos after I met my guy (he doesn't have any) but I guess he understood why I did it. I told my dad about it and though he gets exasperated when I tell him I got another one, he seemed to like the idea.

 

[TravelingGal]

Well, I kept my name. I think I''ve mentioned it before, but the reason I kept it is because my father had a miserable life here in the U.S. but he came here (among other reasons) for a better future for his children. He worked hard, ran his body into the ground and really doesn''t have a penny to his name right now. I wanted to succeed in this country and "bring honor", for lack of a better phrase, to his name.

Last night I was really glad I kept my name. We as a family made the decision to pull all the feeding tubes and other things out of his body (he has hated it and been miserable as he''s tied down so he doesn''t pull them out). Of course, this means that he will die quite soon. I just sat there in the room in tears, very proud and happy I was there as a (insert last name here.)

I also have newborn daughter. To have a family name was the most compelling reason for me to change it. So far, I haven''t run into any issues where I wish we had the same last name, but her life is still young, so we''ll see.

I was almost 34 when I got married and my name was more than just letters on paper. It is me. My heritage. My story. I didn''t want it to end because I married someone.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I am not changing my name. I am a femminist but it is more than that. For one thing, my name is unusual and I know exactly which county in Ireland it comes from whereas my FI has a common last name that he knows nothing about. I like that my name makes me Irish and ties me to my family I am close to. I am also a neo-Pagan and like my predecessors, I believe names are a sacred reflection of the self and wouldn''t change it.

As for kids, my mom has a different last name from my brother and I and it was never a problem. My FI and I may combine our last names as McHislastname or the kids may just have my name. His is common, he has 3 brothers and he really doesn''t care. I have a rare name, I am the only one who might carry it and it matters to me. Besides, my FI likes the idea of the kids having an Irish name.

As for the MRs. miss thing, it drives me nuts. I like being ms although I will be getting my PHD and in Europe, where we will likely live, PHDs are refered to as dr. which solves my problem.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 5/9/2008 11:20:20 AM
Author: Kismet
I too did the 2 middle name thing, although I didn''t have to go to court to do it and I am in MA, but this was 10 years ago. It was a bit more of a wrench than I thought it would be to give up my maiden name but it wasn''t horribly bad. I was kind of looking forward to getting rid of it because almost no one ever pronounced it correctly. Even if they *knew* how it was pronounced if they saw it written down they''d pronounce it incorrectly. And it was certainly weird learning to use the new last name. I answer my phone at work with my name so for the first several weeks after I got married I had to consciously had to think about what my name was before answering the phone. It didn''t help much either when it was my mother calling and she''d laugh and go ''ooh, say it again, say it again.'' :p I did put my foot down when my mother addressed a birthday card to me as Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname. I told her I gave up my last name, not my first name and to never address me that way again.

Hey, Kismet, I just wanted to chime in on this since I spent at least 30 hours doing research, calling every family court house and city call in the state and also consulting with not one, but TWO lawyers (I got their names from a directory of lawyers who focus on family law and legal name changes). The family court and city hall clerks would give me conflicting informatoin--but the general consensus was that it is easy to cosmetically change your name--most Soc. security and RMV employees will do the name change without legal documentation, but it still isn''t your legal name. I confirmed this with both lawyers--they both said that unless you have the legal name change certificate issued by court, any name change is just cosmetic. I tend to think it''s a little silly to think that the name your SS card and state-issued drivers license could be "cosmetic", but knowing that legally I would be Mrs. Nicole I Hislast drove me crazy since that''s exaclty what I DIDN''T want, so I went through the whole process.

I''d also heard that there was a statute-of-limitations type of law on names...like if you use a name for a certain amount of time, it automatically becomes your legal name. Both lawyers told me that wasn''t true and restated that the only way to legally change one''s name (besides taking a man''s surname on the marriage license application) is to do it legally.

I also asked if it caused any problems to make the change cosmeticaly instead of legally--both lawyers said it can cause problems with wills and birth certificates for the couples'' children, but one lawyer was nice and told me that it is very, very rarely an issue. Sometimes I think the cosmetic change would have been MUCH easier.