Convincing of Change

[slg47]

I think you should chill out. You're 70 miles away and in college. Worry about it later.

Yeah, I agree. How many years till you graduate? By then, you may find a job even further away and decide the relationship may not work out. Whatever you decided, just be sure you're not finding yourself still with the guy when he's 30 and still living with his dad!

The kitty thing is a bit iffy. I would be upset if someone wanted me to pet sit their animal in my house.

Good luck!

I also agree...you're 70 miles away, he doesn't want to move...see where things are when you graduate.

 

[wakingdreams53]

I'll be graduating in a couple years, maybe sooner if I finally decide what I want to do. Moving for a job? Quite possible, but I'm in NYC, I'm pretty sure I could find something to do around here.
The 70 miles was always there. That's the distance from my house to his house. Going to school doesn't change that, it just ties me to my house.
It's almost been 3 years, and I've known him for almost 4.

Tacori E-ring, yeah it bothers him. He agrees that without some sort of catalyst this will go on for a long time. He's not blind to it. But I'm noticing a pattern of complacency which is why I even bothered with the thread. I'm afraid it will continue and I just want my SO to snap out of it. Yes, again, totally agreeing that it comes in its own time, but for how long?

Chemgirl, I agree, he could've told his father, but really, the cat had no where else to go. I couldn't take him on a plane with me and SO offered. Should he have asked his father first? Possibly, but given the amount of responsibilities that fall upon him in the house, the least you'd think he could have a say on what's in his room. Super temporary, which was explained, but his father only hears his own voice. Although the situation is resolved and my darling kitty is back with me, it still bothers me.

He just has so many priorities that it just astounds me.
Full time job. (1pm-9pm)
Appease tyrannical father (24/7)
Studio engineering/mixing/appeasing clients (10hours/week)
Band- promotion, practice, writing, marketing (4 hours/week)
Little ol' me. (weekend or every other weekend)
Social life (practically non-existant-2hours/week)

That's not a list of greatest to lowest, but it shows you that he needs 9 days a week with 30 hours each to have time to just breathe.
First off, his job is awful and while he's been there for a long time, that's also a complacency issue. They've been trying to get him fired, but due to seniority and the fact that he knows what he's doing, they can't fire him very easily. So ideally, he'd find a studio engineering job (you know, something he actually enjoys doing). This would give him ability to move out and focus more on his band (also very important) and have more time to go out and live his life.

Maybe I sound idealistic, but is it so bad for a GF to want the best for her SO and not want him to go stress-gray before he's 30?

 

[Haven]

Maybe I sound idealistic, but is it so bad for a GF to want the best for her SO and not want him to go stress-gray before he's 30?

Not at all!

I do think that a part of finding one's own personal happiness is to *truly* prioritize, and to reserve room for the most important things first and foremost, and to cut everything out that doesn't fit once those top priorities are satisfied. It sounds like you are not happy with your BF's choices about how he spends his time, but the real question is: Is he? If so, then he's made the right choices for himself. If not, I hate to say it, but I think that's a change only he can make, and only once he decides that he's going to really commit to his own happiness and well-being.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I haven't read the rest of the replies...but here is my take...

When someone wants something, they will go out and get it--they will do whatever it takes. All the b****ing in the world doesn't get any job done. If he isn't making great strides in moving upwards with his life, chances are the problem isn't as dire as you believe it to be. I think you want the change for you...which is fine, you're a couple and you are entitled to your own thoughts and opinions. But, you can't convince anyone to make huge shifts in there life if they're not ready to embrace them, YKWIM?

IMO, I would probably stay the course. Finish school. When you're out and on your own and bringing substance to the table by way of an income, then I'd think it would be time to say 'where is this going?'...and maybe that'll be the right time for the big changes you want.

 

[lbbaber]

You mentioned that BF's father is unemployed with no motivation to find work bc he milks off his 2 sons. But in the opening post you wrote that BF works as an employee of his father in the father's recording studio and gets payed poorly for all the work he does there (in addition to BF's full time job). Does BF's dad have a recording studio and employees or is he unemployed? I'm confused .

 

[swingirl]

I haven't read the rest of the replies...but here is my take...

When someone wants something, they will go out and get it--they will do whatever it takes. All the b****ing in the world doesn't get any job done. If he isn't making great strides in moving upwards with his life, chances are the problem isn't as dire as you believe it to be. I think you want the change for you...which is fine, you're a couple and you are entitled to your own thoughts and opinions. But, you can't convince anyone to make huge shifts in there life if they're not ready to embrace them, YKWIM?

This is the truth. You want something to change. He doesn't.

 

[wakingdreams53]

You mentioned that BF's father is unemployed with no motivation to find work bc he milks off his 2 sons. But in the opening post you wrote that BF works as an employee of his father in the father's recording studio and gets payed poorly for all the work he does there (in addition to BF's full time job). Does BF's dad have a recording studio and employees or is he unemployed? I'm confused .

Employed was in quotes because it's just the two of them, but nonetheless SO is "below" his father as opposed to being treated equally. $$ just comes from their clients, which they wouldn't have if not for SO. His dad has a recording studio where his son works, he himself isn't doing any work, therefore is unemployed.

Recording studios aren't like a shop or any other type of business. Unless you're filthy rich, you actually participate. It's something you open out of skill and passion as opposed to a get-rich-quick type of deal. Hope that explains it a little better.


Alright, so everyone basically told me that although my hearts in the right place, I'm in no position to do or say anything, therefore this topic is futile until I finish school and have my own income. Nonetheless, thank you all very much for your thought out responses. Obviously not what I was looking for, but I 100% understand that you can't push/convince change on people, I simply though I'd get some ideas on just starting the notion within him.

 

[Anastasia]

You mentioned that BF's father is unemployed with no motivation to find work bc he milks off his 2 sons. But in the opening post you wrote that BF works as an employee of his father in the father's recording studio and gets payed poorly for all the work he does there (in addition to BF's full time job). Does BF's dad have a recording studio and employees or is he unemployed? I'm confused .

Employed was in quotes because it's just the two of them, but nonetheless SO is "below" his father as opposed to being treated equally. $$ just comes from their clients, which they wouldn't have if not for SO. His dad has a recording studio where his son works, he himself isn't doing any work, therefore is unemployed.

Recording studios aren't like a shop or any other type of business. Unless you're filthy rich, you actually participate. It's something you open out of skill and passion as opposed to a get-rich-quick type of deal. Hope that explains it a little better.


Alright, so everyone basically told me that although my hearts in the right place, I'm in no position to do or say anything, therefore this topic is futile until I finish school and have my own income. Nonetheless, thank you all very much for your thought out responses. Obviously not what I was looking for, but I 100% understand that you can't push/convince change on people, I simply though I'd get some ideas on just starting the notion within him.

I don't agree with the quote above. Just because you are still in school doesn't mean that you don't have a right to do or say anything. You always have a right to do or say something. What you can't do, is expect him to do what YOU want, if it is not what HE wants. That has nothing to do with you being in school.

Good Luck - I'm sure this is very frustrating for you.

What school affects, temporarily at least, is your living situation, and his too, by extension. If you want to live together, one of you has to move. Once you are out of school, you have some more flexibility with the location. I think that that is why you are getting advice to wait until you are out of school to push.

Obviously, his situation bothers you a lot. And you are completely justified in that. What you have to do now, is decide if you are willing to continue the relationship with him. It sounds like he has issues with complacency, and change. If these issues are a deal killer for you is something that only you can decide.

 

[Haven]

WakingDreams--I didn't mean to say that it's not your place to say anything because you're still in school and don't have your own income. Rather, I don't believe it's really your place to say anything because you are not yet living with your BF and thus creating a shared life with him, so the way he chooses to spend his time is entirely his own prerogative. Basically, I agree with what Anastasia said.

However, I do think your BF needs to WANT to change if it is going to happen at all. There are all sorts of things I'd like to say to my mother about the choices she's currently making in her life, but until she wants to see a change for herself, they'll fall on deaf ears.

I think you do have an opportunity to raise concerns about the "What ifs . . . " with your BF right now, though. You could totally say to him "I want to share a life with you, but not if you continue to xyz." I think that's an important conversation to have with him, actually, if you truly are planning to stay together. That's a start, at least.

Good luck. I know it's a frustrating place to be in.

 

[JulieN]

I don't think it's not your place to say something, but I"m not sure your heart is in the right place. I think it's odd that you are so concerned with what he does when you still have over a year left of college and live quite far away. Wanting your SO to change is usually not a good thing. The person is either good enough for you as he is, or he isn't. If you were engaged or otherwise agreed to get married soon, then things like where you two will live is very much a matter you have a say in. If you truly want him to make the change because it'll make him happier, and not because you feel like he doesn't meet some checklist of yours or something like that, then he will do it in his own time.

 

[lbbaber]

Thanks for explaining, WD. I wanted to really understand everything before commenting. I figured I was missing something. Obviously I know nothing about recording studios. Sounds like his father is a jerk. Sadly it seems to be a pattern in his family that you have noticed. Hopefully your BF can break this mold.

When I 1st found PS I came across a thread you were in and for some reason I clicked on you and read alot of your posts. You remind me of ME when I was in college and in a "serious" relationship. From what I have read I know you are really wrapped up in this guy. I also see there have been some mixed signals over the years. You seem like someone that wears your heart on your sleeve (and if I am wrong I apologise). I dont want to make any more assumptions so all I am going to say is keep focused on school. You are in a city away from alot of your family and doing remarkably well. Stay focused on the things you CAN control (YOU) and try not to get so wrapped up in what is beyond your control. You just might surprise yourself and find out when you are finished that all these problems that seemed so important now are simply not worth the effort later on in life. Dont sell yourself short--and I mean that in the nicest of ways.

As far as the current situation...he knows how you feel. I applaud you for wanting more for yourself when you are 25. Sadly, not everyone in life is as ambitious. Some people are content going on with their day to day path (even if they know its not ideal) as long as they dont have to make any waves to change things. He will either wake up and change his current situation or he wont but there is nothing more that you can do to change him and the path that he is on. You have a full plate. Focus on you. That is the best thing you can do for not only yourself, but also for this realtionship if it is to survive. I wish you well....