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Convincing of Change

wakingdreams53

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Here's the sitch:

BF works a lot. Aside from his full time job which he's held for over/around 5 years, he also works at home as an "employee" of his father (recording studio), and on top of all of that, he has a band which he's very focused on getting somewhere.
He currently lives at home, where he pays rent. Employee is in quotes because he doesn't get paid fairly and nonetheless has to pay his father anyway.

I asked him a few days ago how long he sees this going on... he responded that he's afraid that it'll go on for a VERY long while if something doesn't change.

BF is 25. He's young, but when I think about how I'd like my life to be at 25, I'd definitely want to be living on my own in not my parent's house.
I'm really in no rush to "seal the deal" and get engaged/married any time soon, but I know that he sees his future with me. I've also made it very clear that I'm not moving into his father's house.

He's incredibly responsible and I understand that he doesn't want to leave his father "high and dry," but I can't imagine him truly having a life of his own while he's under his roof.

Okay, so the point of sharing all of this with you is that I need some new ideas. In the past few years, I've tried sending him links to audio engineering/recording jobs and affordable apartments. At first he was responsive, but it doesn't seem like he has any incentive to change.
What can I do/what can be done?
 

MissStepcut

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I'm 26, and if I lived in the same city as my parents, I would live with them. For one thing, we like each other. For another, we all have to do less housework when we share the burden. I have a younger sibling who I like to spend time with. It's cheaper. I like living with other people and don't enjoy living alone in my own apartment. I like being able to ask my parents what they think about stuff, which is easiest when I don't have to get them on the phone. When I live at home, I argue with my parents more, and they butt in more, but ultimately, we all like it better than the alternative. I've "boomeranged" twice and both times my parents were thrilled to have me home and very sad to see me leave again.

In many (most?) other cultures, adult children live at home until they get married and start their own families... and some stay even after that (which I know my FMIL would prefer). As long as the adult children aren't being a drain, and as long as everyone involved (both parents and children) thinks the situation is better than the alternative, I don't think there's anything wrong with it.
 

slg47

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i'm confused...do you want to move in together in a new place? or you just want him to have his own place that is not with his parents?
 

wakingdreams53

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MissStepCut, I totally understand what you're saying. But would you live with your parents for the rest of your life? It would be more likely that you'd want to be closer to them, but nonetheless separate. In his situation, his relationship with his father is pretty terrible, but he won't leave unless there's something pushing him to do so.

Slg, I'd love to move in together someplace, but it's not entirely probable as I'm in school, unless he moves closer to me.

Really what worries me is that this pattern will go on for a long time. He's turning 26 in 4 months and there's really no change in sight. At the rate he's going, he'll be 30, living miserably with his father and not moving out of fear and convenience.
 

Resonance.Of.Life

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My boyfriend (now 26) lived with his Mom until last December. It allowed him to pay off a major portion of his student loans and allowed him to put money away into his 401k and have a substantial amount of money saved. Could this be part of his motivation to stay? It is quite expensive to live on your own, not only rent.. but utilities and food (whether bought outside or cooked at home).. ect.
 

marymm

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I'm also not sure what you're getting at -- you say you are not looking to get engaged/married anytime soon - and just because when YOU reach 25 you don't want to live at home, is there a reason why you believe your BF should move out on his own?

It sounds like BF is quite responsible, holding down a full-time job for 5 years, actively pursuing a creative hobby (band), and working for his father in an industry strongly related to his sideline band. He also pays rent.

Is BF unable to make decisions independent of his parents? Is he still living like a immature child in his parents' house, relying on them for groceries, meals, laundry, etc., and only doing chores they require of him? Does he spend all of his disposable income on his hobby and other "toys" and basically live paycheck to paycheck with no savings at all? If these things aren't true, and he is conducting himself as a maturing young man, then I really don't see why he should move out unless HE wishes to... and since he has apparently taken no action to do so nor discussed a move-out plan or timeline with you, I don't see it happening anytime soon. Of course, if he is unhappy living at home and complains to you all the time, that is another scenario.

[edited b/c now I see your new posts re: his relationship with his father] - I still believe your BF must be aware that moving out on his own could be an option, should he be unhappy living at home. If he chooses not to do so, you may not have all the facts of his family life, or perhaps his income does not extend to financing his own living situation. It may also be that he still has more maturing to do before he can readily cope with changes with his family relationships.
 

dragonfly411

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waking - I personally think you're being a bit unreasonable and slightly harsh. Guess what? I'm in the older end of 25. I have a boyfriend of 5.5 years. I work full time, plus a part time job and go to school part time, going on full time. Guess what? I live with my grandparents and SO lives with his mom. He also works full time plus runs a part time side business. For us, it is convenient, and affordable. Right now, times are very hard. It's not easy to just move out on one's own, even with a decent well paying job. You have to consider transportation, phone bills, utilities, gas prices, food, upkeep... and those are continuously going up and up. PERHAPS your SO sees living at home as an opportunity to save nickles and dimes towards the two of you BUYING or otherwise getting your own place once you have a job out of school also. Yes maybe his father is slightly unreasonable. Yes he should approach his father about how much he's being paid vs. how much he's paying back. Yes he should give you some kind of idea of plans in the future, but he doesn't have to move out tomorrow. Like I said, he could be saving money towards the two of you having your own place once you are out of school. Just sayin.
 

Circe

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It sounds like you're worried that your BF is, a) being taken advantage of, and, b) codependent.

When it comes to family relationships, my best advice is to stay out of them, even when they're your SOs: like, my husband might not love some of the decisions I make regarding my parents, but there's very little he could say that would practically affect my desire to help them financially, be there for them emotionally, etc. And I say that as someone who eventually DID come to the realization that the relationship was codependent and unhealthy and eventually started to develop boundaries ... but I had to do it at my own pace.

I once had a dear loved one tell me that they'd turned down a relationship with me because they were afraid that my parents would have been too much of a factor in my relationship. That ... stung. It made me realize just how unhealthy things looked from the outside ... but it also made me think, "Man, you didn't give me much credit for having a backbone, did you!" I'm glad my husband didn't feel the same way, when the chance for us to have a relationship arose.

So, my best advice? Keep dating your boyfriend until things get serious to the point where his decisions practically affect your decisions ('cause, while living at home to help his folks and/or save money is sometimes a practical choice, expecting you to move in there would be ... odd). If and when they do - when you're engaged, or suchlike - then you can be a bit more forceful. But until then, let him take it at his own pace, and just lend him a sympathetic ear if he expresses frustrations of his own ....
 

MichelleCarmen

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Hi,

I'm betting there is a fair bit of info we're missing here. As others have mentioned, he could be saving $ up or possibly has student loans to pay down?

It's going to be impossible to change him or force him into living the life you expect. It just doesn't work that way.

I agree with you that I too wouldn't want to be living w/a parent at age 25, but I moved out at 18 (and had to move out b/c my mom and I did not get along). Except for about six month time, I had either a room mate or lived with my then SO. It was really expensive living on my own and I had two jobs to afford that lifestyle. It was worth itfor me, though, but for others, they have so many benefits by living w/parents!

Also, do you plan to move in w/him? Can the two of you afford to live comfortably? Maybe he's worried about that?
 

wakingdreams53

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Very key element: SO is used to the core by his father. He truly doesn't save money by living with him, since he has rent due-- and I've found places that would be cheaper anyway. He does all of the cleaning. Groceries aren't an expense as much comes from the food pantry. His father is unemployed and while the economy does suck, why look for a job when you have two kids (he has a brother) paying you rent and buying you whatever stuff you need. His father also has a hefty amount in savings, but wouldn't touch it since he has money coming in anyway.

It's not an affordability issue as it is CHANGE.

Yes, SO has some student loan debt, but living at home doesn't help. No, SO doesn't have much in savings and while that sounds like a good enough reason to stay at home, he's much less likely to save anything with constant expenses re: father.

They constantly fight, SO lives in dreadful negativity that after a bad week he can be completely unrecognizable.

The one thing that I will stress is what marymm edited to add:
"he still has more maturing to do before he can readily cope with changes with his family relationships"

It isn't a case where the child is dependent on his family, but rather, his father is dependent on him. He's actually told him that he couldn't afford their house if he moved out and while that's harsh, maybe he shouldn't rely on his son to such a degree. His father had issues with his father before him, so there's a pattern here. There's also a change that if he moves, his relationship with his father will be destroyed. Only because his father is unaccepting, close-minded, fiercely negative and won't be able to use SO anymore. But I know that's a big reason why he wouldn't. But if he's going to feed that fear, then he'll be living there until his father dies and I refuse to wish death upon anyone, so that may be for another 50 years.

Okay, now that I've given you all the facts, am I less of an inconsiderate harpy? lol
 

iheartscience

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I don't think you're being unreasonable. I wouldn't be happy dating someone who lived at home with their parents when I was in my early twenties, regardless of the circumstances. I was just discussing this with a coworker yesterday because the vast majority of her 25 year old and up friends still live at home with their parents, even though they have full time jobs. That shocked me! I've lived on my own in apartments/houses (not dorms) since I was 18 years old, and never went home for summers off in college, etc. And when I took a semester off from college at age 19 or 20 I paid my own rent and bills. And when I took an even longer break, I kept paying my own rent and bills.

The thought of moving back into my parents' house never even crossed my mind, or theirs, either! I know every family is different, but you do a TON of growing when you live on your own, and I would want any boyfriend of mine to have done that growing already.

Add the fact that your boyfriend's father is using him to keep himself afloat, and I also wouldn't be happy with the situation. I think you need to decide what you want, though, since you can't control what he does. If you're not happy dating someone who lives at home in an unhealthy situation and won't do anything to change it, maybe you should end the relationship.
 

chemgirl

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Yeah...now that you've shared more about the situation, I'll agree it sucks.

I think people were up in arms a bit because its not that weird to live at home at 25. I'm 28 and about half of my friends lived at home until they were in their late 20's. They were saving money though. Basically they stayed at home so they could save to afford the house and the ring, and then bought houses with their SO's when the time was right. A few are still at home! As long as it works for everyone, and the children are contributing to the household, then why not? I stress the contributing part...because if anyone's just sitting back and taking a free ride then the situation isn't working.

In your SO's case it does sound like it would be worth it for him to move out. If I had to guess, I'd say he feels guilty about leaving his dad without a source of income. His dad might not actually have as much savings as you think, and he might rely on that rent to keep the house. I'm not saying that your SO is responsible for his dad's situation, just that he might feel some responsibility towards it.

It sounds like its really not a good scenario, but I don't think its your place to try and change it. Your role is to be supportive of your SO because it sounds like he needs it!
 

TooPatient

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wakingdreams53|1316115762|3018356 said:
Very key element: SO is used to the core by his father. He truly doesn't save money by living with him, since he has rent due-- and I've found places that would be cheaper anyway. He does all of the cleaning. Groceries aren't an expense as much comes from the food pantry. His father is unemployed and while the economy does suck, why look for a job when you have two kids (he has a brother) paying you rent and buying you whatever stuff you need. His father also has a hefty amount in savings, but wouldn't touch it since he has money coming in anyway.

It's not an affordability issue as it is CHANGE.

Yes, SO has some student loan debt, but living at home doesn't help. No, SO doesn't have much in savings and while that sounds like a good enough reason to stay at home, he's much less likely to save anything with constant expenses re: father.

They constantly fight, SO lives in dreadful negativity that after a bad week he can be completely unrecognizable.

The one thing that I will stress is what marymm edited to add:
"he still has more maturing to do before he can readily cope with changes with his family relationships"

It isn't a case where the child is dependent on his family, but rather, his father is dependent on him. He's actually told him that he couldn't afford their house if he moved out and while that's harsh, maybe he shouldn't rely on his son to such a degree. His father had issues with his father before him, so there's a pattern here. There's also a change that if he moves, his relationship with his father will be destroyed. Only because his father is unaccepting, close-minded, fiercely negative and won't be able to use SO anymore. But I know that's a big reason why he wouldn't. But if he's going to feed that fear, then he'll be living there until his father dies and I refuse to wish death upon anyone, so that may be for another 50 years.

Okay, now that I've given you all the facts, am I less of an inconsiderate harpy? lol

It sounds like he NEEDS to move out. I'm not sure if there is anything you can to do move that along or not, but he is not living in a healthy place. I can only imagine the emotions he must have being essentially forced to live there and be taken advantage of or move out and leave his father (and brother) without a home.

I haven't spoken to my father for over 6 years. Not a word. He doesn't even know what city I live in.
Why? Because I was such an emotional wreck every time we had contact. Even a phone call was enough to leave me massively depressed (FI described it more as borderline suicidal which is pretty accurate).
After the initial emotional time getting used to the idea of not having a father in my life, I got SOOoooo much happier. There are still times that I'm sad and think that maybe I should call him but he hasn't changed (my brother is still in contact with him) and I remember the misery I dealt with in the past.

It was a hard decission that I had to make on my own. FI would tell me that he was not healthy for me to be around (or even speak to) but I didn't listen to him. He was my father and it was MY decission to make. I fought the inevitable for a long time and then one day just had enough. I hung up the phone after yet another nasty phone call and just knew that I wouldn't speak with him again. FI was there to support me as I went through the crying and relief and more crying.


Before anyone jumps on me for ending contact with my father, I should point out that he is an abusive alcoholic and the memories I have to live with are MORE than enough.
 

fleur-de-lis

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wakingdreams53|1316115762|3018356 said:
The one thing that I will stress is what marymm edited to add:
"he still has more maturing to do before he can readily cope with changes with his family relationships"

It isn't a case where the child is dependent on his family, but rather, his father is dependent on him....
I do believe that the issue Marymm brought up isn't one of financial dependency, but rather becoming confident/strong enough to cope with the adversity and fallout that the individuation process will bring in their parent-child relationship. That will be even more difficult a process for the adult child whose parent exhibits the behavior you describe.

You know, all that psychological mumbo-jumbo crud.
 

Circe

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TooPatient|1316119855|3018398 said:
wakingdreams53|1316115762|3018356 said:
Very key element: SO is used to the core by his father. He truly doesn't save money by living with him, since he has rent due-- and I've found places that would be cheaper anyway. He does all of the cleaning. Groceries aren't an expense as much comes from the food pantry. His father is unemployed and while the economy does suck, why look for a job when you have two kids (he has a brother) paying you rent and buying you whatever stuff you need. His father also has a hefty amount in savings, but wouldn't touch it since he has money coming in anyway.

It's not an affordability issue as it is CHANGE.

Yes, SO has some student loan debt, but living at home doesn't help. No, SO doesn't have much in savings and while that sounds like a good enough reason to stay at home, he's much less likely to save anything with constant expenses re: father.

They constantly fight, SO lives in dreadful negativity that after a bad week he can be completely unrecognizable.

The one thing that I will stress is what marymm edited to add:
"he still has more maturing to do before he can readily cope with changes with his family relationships"

It isn't a case where the child is dependent on his family, but rather, his father is dependent on him. He's actually told him that he couldn't afford their house if he moved out and while that's harsh, maybe he shouldn't rely on his son to such a degree. His father had issues with his father before him, so there's a pattern here. There's also a change that if he moves, his relationship with his father will be destroyed. Only because his father is unaccepting, close-minded, fiercely negative and won't be able to use SO anymore. But I know that's a big reason why he wouldn't. But if he's going to feed that fear, then he'll be living there until his father dies and I refuse to wish death upon anyone, so that may be for another 50 years.

Okay, now that I've given you all the facts, am I less of an inconsiderate harpy? lol

It sounds like he NEEDS to move out. I'm not sure if there is anything you can to do move that along or not, but he is not living in a healthy place. I can only imagine the emotions he must have being essentially forced to live there and be taken advantage of or move out and leave his father (and brother) without a home.

I haven't spoken to my father for over 6 years. Not a word. He doesn't even know what city I live in.
Why? Because I was such an emotional wreck every time we had contact. Even a phone call was enough to leave me massively depressed (FI described it more as borderline suicidal which is pretty accurate).
After the initial emotional time getting used to the idea of not having a father in my life, I got SOOoooo much happier. There are still times that I'm sad and think that maybe I should call him but he hasn't changed (my brother is still in contact with him) and I remember the misery I dealt with in the past.

It was a hard decission that I had to make on my own. FI would tell me that he was not healthy for me to be around (or even speak to) but I didn't listen to him. He was my father and it was MY decission to make. I fought the inevitable for a long time and then one day just had enough. I hung up the phone after yet another nasty phone call and just knew that I wouldn't speak with him again. FI was there to support me as I went through the crying and relief and more crying.


Before anyone jumps on me for ending contact with my father, I should point out that he is an abusive alcoholic and the memories I have to live with are MORE than enough.
TP, NO ONE should so much as peep about your decision: it's self-preservation, pure and simple, and it certainly sounds like a decision that was hard fought. Good on you for knowing where to draw the line.

WD, like I said initially ... it's as much a case of letting him come to the realization of what he needs to go on his own as it is anything else. There is literally nothing a boyfriend or girlfriend can do in relation to a person's relationship with their parent(s), other than be supportive.

The fact that you hate to see your boyfriend hurt and/or be taken advantage of? It doesn't make you a harpy. But it will make you into somebody beating your head against a wall if you try to move things along more rapidly than your BF can handle.
 

Amys Bling

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I think your SO has to make the realization that he needs and wants to move out, otherwise he won't. If you push him too much he might resent you for pushing him to do something he has yet to realize he should do.
 

Resonance.Of.Life

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Now that I have a bit of more information regarding the situation, I'd have to agree with the others who have said he needs to make the realization himself and tear himself away from that relationship/situation.

I had an ex with a Mother and Father who were doing the same thing as your bf's Father is... and I tell you.. it was a constant battle of who got priority with regards to time or monetary issues. Realizing this too, that you will be "marrying" his Father too if you two decide to get married and if you can't handle that or the way your bf is handling the situation.. it may be something to consider or at least talk about frankly with your bf.
 

VRBeauty

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Circe|1316120883|3018414 said:
WD, like I said initially ... it's as much a case of letting him come to the realization of what he needs to go on his own as it is anything else. There is literally nothing a boyfriend or girlfriend can do in relation to a person's relationship with their parent(s), other than be supportive.

The fact that you hate to see your boyfriend hurt and/or be taken advantage of? It doesn't make you a harpy. But it will make you into somebody beating your head against a wall if you try to move things along more rapidly than your BF can handle.
Ditto.

The issue is not whether your boyfriend should change his living situation, it's whether he wants to or is willing to. That decision is his to make.

The decision that's yours to make whether you are willing to continue your relationship with your boyfriend if he chooses not to change his relationship with his father.
 

swingirl

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Resonance.Of.Life|1316134021|3018559 said:
Now that I have a bit of more information regarding the situation, I'd have to agree with the others who have said he needs to make the realization himself and tear himself away from that relationship/situation.

I had an ex with a Mother and Father who were doing the same thing as your bf's Father is... and I tell you.. it was a constant battle of who got priority with regards to time or monetary issues. Realizing this too, that you will be "marrying" his Father too if you two decide to get married and if you can't handle that or the way your bf is handling the situation.. it may be something to consider or at least talk about frankly with your bf.
This is the real problem. His father is a jerk and unless your BF can break away from him, should you stay with your BF your life will be run by the father, too.

If your BF doesn't see this now at the age of 25 –– I would be concerned too.
 

centralsquare

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A lot of good points about this. This is tough. I feel like there are no rules when dealing with other people's families...it's really hard to navigate. It does seem that this isn't a healthy situation for your BF, or supportive of growing your relationship. Ultimately, your BF needs to choose a different path for himself...a path with you. You can't make people want something they don't.
 

JewelFreak

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Much as you care for this guy, you might think about opening a little to the possibility of other relationships for yourself. He does not sound like he's interested in moving out in the foreseeable future. On one hand he sounds like a truly nice fellow with an incredible sense of responsibility & compassion. On the other, he sounds unwilling to let his father handle his own life while the son makes one for himself. A good counselor could help him explore his motivations & fears, but he has to want to change for it to do him any good. He hasn't shown any real wish for that; quite the opposite.

The father "has money coming in" so doesn't want a job, but gets food from the food pantry? He'll know how to manage on his own, believe me.

The old saw: you can't change other people; you can only change how you react to them. Looks like the two of you want different things in life -- possibly that's what you should start thinking about. Good luck! It's a tough one.

--- Laurie
 

partgypsy

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VRBeauty|1316137012|3018592 said:
Circe|1316120883|3018414 said:
WD, like I said initially ... it's as much a case of letting him come to the realization of what he needs to go on his own as it is anything else. There is literally nothing a boyfriend or girlfriend can do in relation to a person's relationship with their parent(s), other than be supportive.

The fact that you hate to see your boyfriend hurt and/or be taken advantage of? It doesn't make you a harpy. But it will make you into somebody beating your head against a wall if you try to move things along more rapidly than your BF can handle.
Ditto.

The issue is not whether your boyfriend should change his living situation, it's whether he wants to or is willing to. That decision is his to make.

The decision that's yours to make whether you are willing to continue your relationship with your boyfriend if he chooses not to change his relationship with his father.

Ditto above.
 

wakingdreams53

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Yeah...
Thank you everyone!

My issue is that "everything" is fine the way it is. There's no incentive to change. I'm 70 miles away, going to school, so I'm not particularly "moveable." It just feels like there needs to be some sort of catalyst to shake him out of this complacency. I understand that some things, especially pertaining to family, must come on their own, but I'm afraid that if and when that happens, he's just going to look back on all the time he wasted and think, "Wow, I should've done this years ago."

And his father is a grown man, fully capable of taking care of himself, but I would never blame SO for trying to hold onto whatever family he has (which isn't much). However, some people are just toxic, and he knows that his father is one of them. Don't get me wrong, this man isn't the spawn of Satan. He's actually been quite nice to me; however, he holds no qualms in demeaning SO in front of me or getting into fully-fledged arguments over NOTHING. Not to mention, having SO foot the bill for EVERYTHING, including VERY expensive studio equipment and still not giving SO an equal share in the business. And of course, having invested so much already, it's a pity to have to leave and find a new place. But nothing's going to change. His father is always going to be this selfish man. I ultimately wish for SO to cut his losses, since I would like a future with him.

Side story:
I was away and had SO take our cat to his house for a week or so. His father threatened to get rid of kitty. In that moment, I cut off all ties with the man. I automatically refused to step foot into his house and cut him from any future growth between me and SO, be it a wedding, children, ANYTHING. Any man who is willing to harm a perfectly innocent cat that was staying in SO's miserably small room is not welcome in my life. I was COMPLETELY enraged.
Long story short, he ended up liking the cat. Playing with him while SO was at work, letting him go up to his bedroom, etc. My "grounds" for being upset were supposedly eliminated. But come on, it's that a bit of a dramatic flip? It's not healthy and there's definitely something not right with him. He saw the cat as an additional expense for HIM (since if SO is spending money on the cat, the money isn't going to HIM).

It's rather aggravating, but I truly think SO is only staying because of the recording studio. He's already so invested in it, he has his own clientele (obviously, noone wants to work with his father) and he's actually quite talented.

I know SO wants to be with me above all else, but I'm in no position now to give him any sort of, even minimal, ultimatum.
An ideal situation would be where SO can move out, still pay his father rent and work in the studio. However, that's really fantastical unless he wins the lottery.
 

Haven

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wakingdreams53|1316187885|3018847 said:
I know SO wants to be with me above all else, but I'm in no position now to give him any sort of, even minimal, ultimatum.
An ideal situation would be where SO can move out, still pay his father rent and work in the studio. However, that's really fantastical unless he wins the lottery.
I'm confused--it sounds like you're saying your SO cannot afford to move out right now. However, earlier in the thread you said that he CAN afford to move out, and it would actually cost him less to live on his own.

Which is true? I only ask because this detail really changes my opinion on the situation.

If he can't really afford to move out, I don't think there's anything for you to discuss, here, because the change is not possible.
If he CAN afford to move out, and chooses not to, then I think you can't really exert any force here until you are engaged and planning a life together. At that point, then you can definitely tell him that you refuse to live with his father. Before that point, you can tell him that you have some fears about building a life with a man who allows himself to be used by his father, and that you want him to work out these issues before you'll move forward.
 

Circe

Ideal_Rock
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Joined
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Messages
8,087
Haven|1316191563|3018889 said:
wakingdreams53|1316187885|3018847 said:
I know SO wants to be with me above all else, but I'm in no position now to give him any sort of, even minimal, ultimatum.
An ideal situation would be where SO can move out, still pay his father rent and work in the studio. However, that's really fantastical unless he wins the lottery.
I'm confused--it sounds like you're saying your SO cannot afford to move out right now. However, earlier in the thread you said that he CAN afford to move out, and it would actually cost him less to live on his own.

Which is true? I only ask because this detail really changes my opinion on the situation.

If he can't really afford to move out, I don't think there's anything for you to discuss, here, because the change is not possible.
If he CAN afford to move out, and chooses not to, then I think you can't really exert any force here until you are engaged and planning a life together. At that point, then you can definitely tell him that you refuse to live with his father. Before that point, you can tell him that you have some fears about building a life with a man who allows himself to be used by his father, and that you want him to work out these issues before you'll move forward.
I think the bolded bit is the important part: he'd essentially be paying double "rent" to contribute to his father's upkeep.
 

Haven

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 15, 2007
Messages
13,166
Aaaaaah, got it.
Thank you, Circe.
 

chemgirl

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2,160
wakingdreams53|1316187885|3018847 said:
Yeah...

Side story:
I was away and had SO take our cat to his house for a week or so. His father threatened to get rid of kitty. In that moment, I cut off all ties with the man. I automatically refused to step foot into his house and cut him from any future growth between me and SO, be it a wedding, children, ANYTHING. Any man who is willing to harm a perfectly innocent cat that was staying in SO's miserably small room is not welcome in my life. I was COMPLETELY enraged.
Long story short, he ended up liking the cat. Playing with him while SO was at work, letting him go up to his bedroom, etc. My "grounds" for being upset were supposedly eliminated. But come on, it's that a bit of a dramatic flip? It's not healthy and there's definitely something not right with him. He saw the cat as an additional expense for HIM (since if SO is spending money on the cat, the money isn't going to HIM).
Um ok, his dad still sounds like a piece of work, but why would your SO bring a cat in to the house without asking how his dad felt about it? Its one of those unwritten courtesy things. You let roommates know before you bring in a pet because not everyone wants one in their space.

Again, threatening to get rid fo the cat is a jerk move, but bringing one in without asking isn't so great either.
 

JulieN

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
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Jul 25, 2005
Messages
13,329
I think you should chill out. You're 70 miles away and in college. Worry about it later.
 

Tacori E-ring

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Joined
Aug 15, 2005
Messages
20,039
Does the situation bother your BF?
 

MichelleCarmen

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Joined
Feb 8, 2003
Messages
15,880
JulieN|1316193949|3018924 said:
I think you should chill out. You're 70 miles away and in college. Worry about it later.
Yeah, I agree. How many years till you graduate? By then, you may find a job even further away and decide the relationship may not work out. Whatever you decided, just be sure you're not finding yourself still with the guy when he's 30 and still living with his dad!

The kitty thing is a bit iffy. I would be upset if someone wanted me to pet sit their animal in my house.

Good luck!
 
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