Conflicted over "Santa" Myth...

[ericad]

Ok, so my friend recently disclosed to her 9 year old (after much prodding and very specific questions) that there is no Santa. Her daughter was crushed. I mean sobbing in her room, "I can''t believe you lied to me", heartbroken. My friend feels just horrible and severely regrets perpetuating the Santa myth. However, after a few days her daughter thanked her for finally telling the truth (ouch).

DH and I have been conflicted about this with our 4 year old DD. We did begin the typical Santa tradition because it was easier to go with it than deviate from it (laziness on our part). But now we are back to where we started, wishing we had not gone down that road.

I still remember finding out the truth and how shocked and betrayed I felt. I was embarrassed too, because I found out from a friend at school who teased me (even though many other kids still believed, I was only 7 or 8 at the time). It forever changed Xmas for me and I wonder if perhaps a spirit of giving and holiday joy from the beginning (never ending) is better than a magical lie which will eventually be taken away.

So DH and I are now struggling with how to "phase out" Santa. DD is only 4, so we can do it gently over the next few years so that by the time she''s older there will be nothing to discover. My idea is to tell her now that the world is so big that Santa only brings toys to very young children. But as kids get older, mom and dad take over. That way when she''s old enough to know that Santa was never real (if she even remembers) it won''t be a shock, since she will have known for a few years that her presents were coming from us and we can just say that Santa is fairy tale you tell to little kids.

I''m curious how others feel and if anyone else has been in this situation and successfully phased out Santa?

 

[AprilBaby]

We never did Santa with our kids. They heard about him, but he never left gifts and they never sat on his lap. They never asked questions. I think a 4 year old is young enough to forget by the next year if you don''t make a big deal out of it. They are adults now and no one is scarred for life. They all still enjoy Christmas!

 

[packrat]

That''s a toughie!

We celebrate Christmas, but never told London, and we won''t tell Trapper, about Santa. (that he brings gifts to good kids etc) She learned about Santa thru Preschool last year, and Kindergarten this year. When she started asking/talking about it, we told her Santa is a feeling, not a real person.

Like when she draws a picture with a big yellow sun and puts a smiley face on the sun-the sun makes you feel happy. Santa makes people think of loving each other and giving presents to people we love and being nice. When we want to show someone we love them, we draw a heart as a picture to say love. Santa is the Christmas feeling of happiness and being nice to everyone.

 

[neatfreak]

Personally we'll go along with Santa, but more along the lines of the nordic/traditional santa. Not the riding around in a sleigh santa if that makes sense. That there was someone called Santa, who left presents for little boys and girls and that's why we do it these days, etc. More the St. Nicholas tale than Santa.

That being said I think kids who have already been led down the flying reindeer path can be also let down in a more gentle way by hearing the story of the REAL santa and telling them that his spirit is still around at x-mas, etc.

Hope that helps-it is a toughie!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/26/2009 2:30:42 PM
Author: neatfreak
Personally we''ll go along with Santa, but more along the lines of the nordic/traditional santa. Not the riding around in a sleigh santa if that makes sense. That there was someone called Santa, who left presents for little boys and girls and that''s why we do it these days, etc. More the St. Nicholas tale than Santa.

That being said I think kids who have already been led down the flying reindeer path can be also let down in a more gentle way by hearing the story of the REAL santa and telling them that his spirit is still around at x-mas, etc.

Hope that helps-it is a toughie!

Probably something like this for us too. We didn''t grow up believing in Santa, and I''m glad.

But I reserve the right to change my mind. Mostly because I really don''t want my kid to go spoiling it for other kids...that seems so sad!

 

[kenny]

Much ado about nothing.
Just go with your gut.

Kids survive much worse than this "betrayal" just fine.
I can't even remember when I was told it wasn't real.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I grew up believing in Santa...it was magical. I would be so excited and cautious, looking to the sky for his sleigh on my way home from Christmas Eve at my Grandmothers. When I did learn about Santa, it stung...but it wasn''t like the bottom fell out of my world. As I got older, I naturally started to question the things that were off about the legend...and when my Mom told me, it was like "okay, now I get it". I''m absolutely no worse for the wear having believed and I wouldn''t take back that time for anything...for me, it''s just a natural part of being kid.

I couldn''t imagine not letting my child believe. I look forward to the time when Santa makes sense to them and I can play along, creating a world where magic exists, even if for just a little while. Lets face it, childhood is short enough as it is...if I can give them just a little more wonder while it lasts...I anticipate that. If they get mad, they''ll get over it.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I agree with Kenny. A couple of my kids were sad when they found out. We explained that at one time St. Nick was a real guy who brought gifts to kids and it made kids
so happy that everyone wanted to carry on that tradition.

On the flip side, in my opinion, there is nothing worse than a kid on the playground whose parents tell them santa is not real and makes sure all the kids know it.
Many parents enjoy the fantasy and want their kids to stay little for as long as possible. Although I am sure that that would not be anyones wish, sometimes kids do
things we would wish they did not.

After we had told the kids about santa it always bugged my DH and I that we did all the work and the old guy got all the credit. We worked and saved to buy the
presents and the kids were grateful to some old guy.

If I could do it over I would makes much less of the Santa thing, but probably not do away with it entirely. The wonder on a childs face is a joyful thing to see.

 

[purrfectpear]

Unfortunately I fell into the "betrayed by parents, I can''t believe you LIED" camp. Consequently I did not perpetuate the Santa myth with my son. I did not say there wasn''t one, I just said that "some believe, some don''t" and that he will have to decide for himself. Sort of a cop out, but it left me off the hook for the "you lied" issue.

I have very strong feelings about lying to your children, and can honestly say I never did it. My parents routinely fibbed about my age to save money on admission fees. As a result I thought of them as hypocrits, since they were busy teaching me that lying was wrong

 

[bee*]

Date: 11/26/2009 3:20:54 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I grew up believing in Santa...it was magical. I would be so excited and cautious, looking to the sky for his sleigh on my way home from Christmas Eve at my Grandmothers. When I did learn about Santa, it stung...but it wasn''t like the bottom fell out of my world. As I got older, I naturally started to question the things that were off about the legend...and when my Mom told me, it was like ''okay, now I get it''. I''m absolutely no worse for the wear having believed and I wouldn''t take back that time for anything...for me, it''s just a natural part of being kid.


I couldn''t imagine not letting my child believe. I look forward to the time when Santa makes sense to them and I can play along, creating a world where magic exists, even if for just a little while. Lets face it, childhood is short enough as it is...if I can give them just a little more wonder while it lasts...I anticipate that. If they get mad, they''ll get over it.

I was the exact same. I absolutely adored waiting for Santa to come and on Christmas Eve, my dad would sit up with my sister and I for ages and wait to see could we see his sleigh. I wouldn''t change that for the world and I don''t even remember when I was told that Santa wasn''t real-I obviously just accepted it. If I ever have kids, I will definitely do Santa with them. I think they''ll definitely get over it when they find out it''s not true.

 

[Shoopy]

I always find it so sad when parents stress over when to tell their kids about Santa. I think just waiting for her to ask if he''s real or not is a good time to tell the truth. My brothers suspected around 9 and they asked when they were 10. That''s when we told them. They were sad that they asked for so many gifts but we just told them that part of the spirit of christmas was making your loved ones feel loved and special.

I grew up believing in Santa as well and found out the same year that my dad was diagnosed with Cancer that there was no Santa. I wasn''t crushed. Instead I felt really appreciative at the amount of effort my parents went through to keep the image of Santa real for me. The majority of my greatest childhood memories were around Christmas but not because of gifts or Santa but instead the excitement that my parents showed. I intend on doing the same for DD. Even my brothers are excited about "believing" in Santa again.

I think your dd is young enough to still believe but that''s cause I love Santa lol.

 

[Kaleigh]

I loved growing up and believing in Santa, my brother who was 6 years older never let on it was a myth. He helped me put out cookies and waited for me to fall asleep watching for Santa and his sleigh.

I found out in 2nd grade there is no Santa. I was at school, and told a friend my grandma saw Santa. She laughed and said your gramdma is a liar, there is no such thing at Santa...


My kids believed for quite a while.. DD figured it out, but kep her mouth shut so her Brother could get a couple more years in believing.


I think it's best for kids to believe, it is a magical time. I know many are crushed to find out the truth, but that's life...

 

[Dreamer_D]

I don''t remember ever believing in Santa. I always got gifts from him and from my mom and family. But I always knew he was a shared fantasy, a story that my mom and I shared. Maybe it helped that we didn''t leave cookies out for him? So it was not SOOOOO in depth a fantasy. But I enjoyed the shared fantasy, even though I knew it was just that.

 

[sparklyheart]

This thread makes me kind of sad! Call me naive, but I never knew that people didn''t tell their kids about Santa!!! (Assuming you celebrate Christmas, of course.) I LOVED believing in Santa.. and then pretending to believe in Santa with my older brother because we thought we''d stop getting presents if my parents found out I knew..

It was so much fun to write him a letter, watch my mom and dad call him and make sure he got my letter (I later found out it was the old # you could call for the time and temp!), staying up as late as we could to wait for Santa (my poor parents!), and waking up at the butt crack of dawn with my brothers to go see what Santa brought.. I just can''t imagine Christmas without Santa.. and I grew up with all of the religious aspects of the holiday as well.. But Santa was just such a huge part of every year. Oh and my world definitely didn''t end when I found out the truth about Santa...

 

[niccia]

Date: 11/26/2009 3:20:54 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I grew up believing in Santa...it was magical. I would be so excited and cautious, looking to the sky for his sleigh on my way home from Christmas Eve at my Grandmothers. When I did learn about Santa, it stung...but it wasn''t like the bottom fell out of my world. As I got older, I naturally started to question the things that were off about the legend...and when my Mom told me, it was like ''okay, now I get it''. I''m absolutely no worse for the wear having believed and I wouldn''t take back that time for anything...for me, it''s just a natural part of being kid.

I couldn''t imagine not letting my child believe. I look forward to the time when Santa makes sense to them and I can play along, creating a world where magic exists, even if for just a little while. Lets face it, childhood is short enough as it is...if I can give them just a little more wonder while it lasts...I anticipate that. If they get mad, they''ll get over it.

Completely agree...I loved believing in Santa. Each year my dad would tell me how he once saw Santa''s sleigh flying over the roof. I loved that story, and my sister and I looked so forward to writing him letters and leaving him cookies and milk and carrots for his reindeer. I was completely convinced he existed until I was about 12 and my little sister (who was eight at the time) proved Santa was mum one night by insisting I stay up to catch her stuffing our stockings (apparently I was a lot more gullible than her lol). I remember being disappointed, but definitely not mad. I love that my parents just let us be kids for as long as possible, and I will definitely carry on the tradition with my kids.

 

[hihowareyou]

My parents did Santa with us as a kid but more as a game than trying to make us believe it was real.

We cottoned on very quickly that it was a game because mum used to take us Christmas shopping, buy our presents then ''give them to santa'' to look after until christmas day. I don''t remember ever really believing that Santa was real but we still did all the things like milk and cookies left out, reading Santa stories. My family was probably strange because my oldest brother is a bit of a genius. When I was about 4 and he was around 6 the game was more him coming up with evidence that it was physically impossible for Santa to exist and my mum winking and coming up with new ways it just might be possible for him to disprove.

My mum always said that you don''t have to believe but if you don''t participate or be a grinch then Santa won''t come

 

[zoebartlett]

I''ve never been in this situation as a parent, but as a teacher, I''ve gone along with the myth for the sake of the Santa believers (as well as the tooth fairy, leprechauns believers, etc) in my classes every year. I''ve only had one non-believer over the years, but she went along with it because her friends believed. Her parents didn''t want her to get caught up in the meaning of Christmas of today -- her parents focused on St. Nicholas instead, not the roly-poly man who rides in a sleigh and delivers presents by breaking and entering people''s homes.

My parents told me that I never really believed in Santa, although apparently I did buy into fairies of all kinds. I was always skeptical of the big guy, but my sister (6 years younger than me) believed in Santa wholeheartedly. She was devastated when she found out that he wasn''t real. I like the idea of teaching our (future) children about St. Nicholas. I like NF''s idea of letting kids down gently by teaching kids about the real Santa and how his spirit is around during the holidays.

 

[Callisto]

Date: 11/26/2009 3:20:54 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I grew up believing in Santa...it was magical. I would be so excited and cautious, looking to the sky for his sleigh on my way home from Christmas Eve at my Grandmothers. When I did learn about Santa, it stung...but it wasn''t like the bottom fell out of my world. As I got older, I naturally started to question the things that were off about the legend...and when my Mom told me, it was like ''okay, now I get it''. I''m absolutely no worse for the wear having believed and I wouldn''t take back that time for anything...for me, it''s just a natural part of being kid.


I couldn''t imagine not letting my child believe. I look forward to the time when Santa makes sense to them and I can play along, creating a world where magic exists, even if for just a little while. Lets face it, childhood is short enough as it is...if I can give them just a little more wonder while it lasts...I anticipate that. If they get mad, they''ll get over it.

I''m gonna ditto this as others have.

When i reached a certain age I simply figured it out (i.e. seeing boxes for gifts that didn''t have boxes under the tree, finding the wrapping paper "santa" used) I actually wrote my parents a letter to let them know I figured it out haha (I was a special kid...) I don''t ever remember feeling crushed. Honestly I think I would have been WAY more crushed had someone at school whose parents told them santa wasn''t real had told me.

Idk, you can definitely tell your daughter if you feel like its the right thing for your family, but I think its important to also make sure she understands (perhaps when she''s a bit older) that she needs to let other kids believe what they want to about santa - not sure exactly how to put that to her, but i think you need to make sure that your parenting decisions don''t destroy other people''s parenting decisions... does that make sense? Idk honestly, I think that would worry me a lot if I decided to tell my kids "the truth".

 

[iheartscience]

I stopped really believing in Santa when I was pretty young (maybe 4 or 5), but I still went along with it because I wanted to believe in him. Plus my twin sister believed in him still and I never told her. She believed in Santa for a while, actually. My older siblings went along with it, too.

A friend of mine feels robbed because her parents disagreed on the Santa thing, so they compromised and let her older brother believe in Santa, but told her he wasn''t real! Strange compromise, and she feels like she missed out on a really fun part of childhood because of it.

I''ve never heard of kids sobbing and feeling betrayed...I think most kids understand why the Santa myth exists. I think it''s a fun, innocent part of childhood and the pros for a kid outweigh the cons.

 

[Allison D.]

I can''t imagine not having believed in Santa as a child - as many have said, the wondrousness and magic of it is a VERY strong memory for me, so much so that Christmas is STILL my favorite time of year.

I wasn''t crushed to learn there was no Santa, and I can''t say I knew anyone else who felt traumatized by it either.

If I had children, there''s no way I''d want them to miss out on it. As far as I''m concerned, if I had a child and they reached the age where it started to occur to them that Santa wasn''t real, I''d come clean by saying "Santa the red-suit guy isn''t real, per se, but Santa is real......because Santa is me."

 

[icekid]

Date: 11/26/2009 11:50:46 PM
Author: Allison D.
I can''t imagine not having believed in Santa as a child - as many have said, the wondrousness and magic of it is a VERY strong memory for me, so much so that Christmas is STILL my favorite time of year.


I wasn''t crushed to learn there was no Santa, and I can''t say I knew anyone else who felt traumatized by it either.

HUGE ditto...!!! I have no problem telling my kids lies where it pertains to their being a child

There was no excitement greater than Santa and Christmas.

When I was in second grade, I had this wonderful teacher who used to tell us what she spotted one of Santa''s elves in the classroom watching for goor girls and boys

Then we would return from music class to little candy canes on our desks from the elf. It was so exciting! I will not deprive my kids of that. And they won''t be scarred for life either.

 

[soocool]

My DD believed in Santa even when others told her he didn''t exist. Anytime she approached me about it I always asked her what she thought and left it at that. She will be 17 in a couple of weeks and said that she wished that she still believed in Santa because it was magical and made her happy. She would always leave a gift and special note fo Santa and I collected these and gave them to her last year.

 

[monarch64]

My parents perpetuated the Santa myth with my brother and me...my dad would regale us with stories of how Santa got our Christmas wish lists (write everything on a piece of paper, throw it into the fireplace, and Santa would "read" the smoke--bonkers), how he got to our house, etc. We''d leave out the plates of cookies, glasses of milk, and even carrots for Santa''s reindeer every Christmas Eve. My mother used to write letters FROM Santa to us, in fact she still has them and they''re quite silly but very funny. She is an imaginative gal. I remember believing the whole thing for a couple of years, probably ages 4-6, old enough to comprehend but not advanced enough to question.

I don''t remember finding out that Santa didn''t exist. It mustn''t have been too traumatic. I was typically more excited over opening presents at Christmas and less concerned about how they got there.

That said, I won''t be doing the Santa thing with my children. My experience doesn''t really matter...I have an issue with lying to kids. I''ll be happy to instill in them the basic premise behind what the Santa legend has become here in the US--if you behave yourself and treat others well, you''ll be rewarded, and if you''re an a$$^%#@ you get nothing.

 

[tlh]

I never had that devastating crushing moment that some speak of.

My mom still perpetuates the santa spirit and I LOVE IT! I still get presents from Santa.

Christmas isn't just a day, it is a season. Everyone is a little nicer, everyone gives a little more. Everyone is a little more patient.. etc. It is wonderful. Sometimes you just gotta pair santa more with the christmas spirit that is within us all - and less with a fat man in a red suit.

"Neil: There is no Santa Claus.
Charlie: Have you Ever Seen a Million Dollars?
Neil: No.
Charlie: Just because you've never seen it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist."
The Santa Clause

 

[tlh]

Date: 11/26/2009 5:14:10 PM
Author: sparklyheart
This thread makes me kind of sad! Call me naive, but I never knew that people didn''t tell their kids about Santa!!! (Assuming you celebrate Christmas, of course.) I LOVED believing in Santa.. and then pretending to believe in Santa with my older brother because we thought we''d stop getting presents if my parents found out I knew..

It was so much fun to write him a letter, watch my mom and dad call him and make sure he got my letter (I later found out it was the old # you could call for the time and temp!), staying up as late as we could to wait for Santa (my poor parents!), and waking up at the butt crack of dawn with my brothers to go see what Santa brought.. I just can''t imagine Christmas without Santa.. and I grew up with all of the religious aspects of the holiday as well.. But Santa was just such a huge part of every year. Oh and my world definitely didn''t end when I found out the truth about Santa...

HAHAHA.... SO TRUE!

 

[anchor31]

My siblings and I believed in Santa as kids and it was magical for us. Like others, Christmas is still my favourite time of the year! I don''t remember how old we were when we started suspecting that dad was really the one putting presents under the tree, I remember that we slept in the livingroom to try and catch him (but we didn''t, I still can''t figure out how he could have been so quiet!). None of us felt betrayed when we finally figured it out.

DH and I haven''t discussed it yet, but I think we are going to tell the Santa story to our kids.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 11/26/2009 11:50:46 PM
Author: Allison D.
I can''t imagine not having believed in Santa as a child - as many have said, the wondrousness and magic of it is a VERY strong memory for me, so much so that Christmas is STILL my favorite time of year.

I wasn''t crushed to learn there was no Santa, and I can''t say I knew anyone else who felt traumatized by it either.

If I had children, there''s no way I''d want them to miss out on it. As far as I''m concerned, if I had a child and they reached the age where it started to occur to them that Santa wasn''t real, I''d come clean by saying ''Santa the red-suit guy isn''t real, per se, but Santa is real......because Santa is me.''

This!
I don''t intend on making Santa the focus of Christmas or anything, but we won''t NOT tell him.

 

[ericad]

All the input is much appreciated! A few things to add:

- we don''t intend to tell our 4 year old there is no Santa directly, or to just take it away instantly since we''ve already set the expectation. I just wonder if there''s a gentle way to lessen the focus on him over the next 2-3 years in an age appropriate way so that we land on the truth long before she''s old enough discover the lie. Basically, we have decided to "do away" with Santa, but not sure how to go about it!

- we are atheists and I do see a lot of parallels between teaching kids about Santa and teaching them to believe in a higher power (omnipotent male figure that rewards you for being good and punishes you for being bad, watches over you, has helpers, etc.) and see how that can add value for people of various faiths (preparing kids to have faith in that which you can''t see or prove), but it''s actually in direct opposition with our own beliefs. While we do celebrate Xmas, it''s about the winter season, thankfulness, giving and generosity, not the religious part of it (obviously).

- I was a VERY sensitive kid. My older brother wasn''t. He had zero trauma about the discovery but I was totally scarred. My daughter is also highly sensitive and I suspect she will have a similar experience. My DH also has no negative associations about finding out there''s no Santa (he can''t even remember), but agrees that DD is far more emotional and may not take it well.

- one important thing I tell DD over and over again is that I will always tell her the truth and for her to trust me. It''s hypocritical for me to perpetuate a lie and when she finds out, her trust in me will be broken. It may never damage her emotionally in the sense of "scarred for life", but it will damage our relationship. My trust in my parents was never the same (especially after the unraveling of the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, etc.), but again, I was always a very sensitive child who thought through everything very deeply. A drama queen from birth!

- the crushing blow of the truth (told you I was dramatic) forever dampened my Xmas experience. I have spoken to many who do not do the Santa thing and adults who were raised without Santa and for them, Xmas was just as joyful and special, but there was no let down so the holiday spirit has remained constant. Don''t get me wrong, I think back to my mom shaking the tree and running for it (so I could almost "catch" Santa) and everything they did as an act of love and I have fond memories too, but that''s through adult eyes. But I think I would have still loved Xmas and we would have created other meaningful traditions without Santa.

 

[HollyS]

WHAT???!!!!!

THERE''S NO SANTA?????

SAY IT ISN''T SO!!!!!

 

[HollyS]

Date: 11/26/2009 5:17:50 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady

Date: 11/26/2009 3:20:54 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I grew up believing in Santa...it was magical. I would be so excited and cautious, looking to the sky for his sleigh on my way home from Christmas Eve at my Grandmothers. When I did learn about Santa, it stung...but it wasn''t like the bottom fell out of my world. As I got older, I naturally started to question the things that were off about the legend...and when my Mom told me, it was like ''okay, now I get it''. I''m absolutely no worse for the wear having believed and I wouldn''t take back that time for anything...for me, it''s just a natural part of being kid.

I couldn''t imagine not letting my child believe. I look forward to the time when Santa makes sense to them and I can play along, creating a world where magic exists, even if for just a little while. Lets face it, childhood is short enough as it is...if I can give them just a little more wonder while it lasts...I anticipate that. If they get mad, they''ll get over it.

This mirrors my feelings exactly, as well as my childhood.. and.. at a point one will grow out of it as all children do. I was taught about the holiday''s magic and his being part of that on top of our religious background for the season. I''ve grown up quite well adjusted despite believing in Santa..

I wouldn''t have missed seeing the looks on my children''s faces meeting Santa for the first time or on Christmas morning after they found Santa had eaten their cookies & milk & left them a note for anything in the world. Given how quickly children grow up now, I''m all in favor allowing them to believe in something as lovely as the spirit of St. Nicholas or the tradition that surrounds him.

My children never felt I lied to them or that I betrayed them for allowing them to believe in Santa.. as they grew, they knew how hard their Mom worked to provide them with the family traditions my own Mother provided me, traditions that were short lived for me because of her early passing. My Mother passed due to cancer when I was eight, I stopped believing in Santa probably within that year but I always appreciated the magic she created in our home and I have continued the tradition of that spirit every year since.

This is my favorite time of year because of the magical memories I have of Christmases past - including memories of Santa.. I wouldn''t have changed a thing.

Ditto, ditto, ditto. Wait, that may make it thritto . . .

Kids need magical and nonsensical things to have fun with. Heck, we need it. So, I say, let''s have a Santa Belief Society, perpetuating the myth and the magic.