Come tell us about your MIL/FIL

[Burk]

777_LDY~ I am soooo sorry for what you're going through!! I cannot imagine going through that. You should not have to put up with their nonsense, nor should your poor kids! *HUGS*

I am so sorry for the others who are suffering through rough IL relationships!! I am lucky that I have a good relationship with both my MIL and FIL.

 

[777_LDY]

Thank you Burk. I can''t even begin to explain how awful I feel that my children have to go through this. My oldest is old enough to fully understand what is going on and is now mad at my in laws. I don''t even know what to say to him, he shouldn''t have been involved in the first place. And heaven forbid he mentions his feelings to DH. He would probably get very upset, but I just hate to think that my son would have to suppress his feelings as well or feel second rate to his cousins. It is just so incredibly sad.

Your little girl always looks like such an angel, btw.

zhuzhu, if you come back to read this I am really sorry that I dumped all of this on your thread. I should have started a different thread but I honestly didn''t think I could get it out. Partially out of embarrassment but mostly out of sheer confusion. Then I just started writing on this one and figured I would just post before I had a nervous breakdown.

 

[zhuzhu]

Date: 1/7/2009 8:07:45 PM
Author: 777_LDY
Thank you Burk. I can''t even begin to explain how awful I feel that my children have to go through this. My oldest is old enough to fully understand what is going on and is now mad at my in laws. I don''t even know what to say to him, he shouldn''t have been involved in the first place. And heaven forbid he mentions his feelings to DH. He would probably get very upset, but I just hate to think that my son would have to suppress his feelings as well or feel second rate to his cousins. It is just so incredibly sad.

Your little girl always looks like such an angel, btw.

zhuzhu, if you come back to read this I am really sorry that I dumped all of this on your thread. I should have started a different thread but I honestly didn''t think I could get it out. Partially out of embarrassment but mostly out of sheer confusion. Then I just started writing on this one and figured I would just post before I had a nervous breakdown.

Sweet 777_LDY, absolutely no apology needed! I am so glad that you feel free to share your experience with us, and I am so sorry that you had to endure all that disrespect over the holidays...

I think writing out how we feel is a therapy in itself. I know there are many things we can not change, but one thing we CAN do it finding ways to make ourselves feel better, like sharing it with other PSers so that sadness diminishes and happiness doubles!

{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[777_LDY]

Thank you zhuzhu. I also use writing as a form of therapy, but always to myself, never out in the open like this. I was a bit scared to do this as well. Most of my friends and family don''t even know that I have these troubles. I think I have bottled it up far too long and now I am just exploding.

 

[FrekeChild]

...cough...

...my FFIL is not fit for polite company...

...cough...

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Must. Resist. The Urge. I fear I have already said too much!

 

[iluvcarats]

I am really lucky. My IL''s are two of the most wonderful people I have ever met.

 

[Burk]

Funny Tacori!

777~Thanks for the compliment on my little one! I cannot imagine what you''re going through. I agree with zhuzhu, get it out. We''re good listeners!

 

[777_LDY]

Date: 1/8/2009 12:56:39 PM
Author: Burk
Funny Tacori!

777~Thanks for the compliment on my little one! I cannot imagine what you''re going through. I agree with zhuzhu, get it out. We''re good listeners!

Ugh, DH called last night to tell me he decided to go to his parents. I just don''t get it? But it probably was the better choice for him and I am assuming he knows it, yet still it hurt. He does need to smooth things over with them and that was probably the best way. I just hope he decides to put his foot down when it comes to me. I didn''t have anything to do with what happened, they just shouldn''t be taking their anger out on me. He should be dealing with this. They shouldn''t be speaking to him, not me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *insert totally confused and frustrated emoticon here*

We had an ice storm yesterday so I spent most of the day (when I wasn''t on PS trying to make myself feel better) getting it off my driveway. I was pretty p***** that he wasn''t going to be home to help and when he tried to call me today to talk I let him know it. I don''t think that I am ready to move forward with this until he can tell him mother that she shouldn''t have been ignoring me in the first place, there was no reason for his father to disown me, and under NO circumstances should his sister have spoken to me like that.

This whole thing just makes no sense to me...

But that''s my updated drama...

Oh, and my two oldest boys want nothing to do their grandmother now, which is such a shame. Apparently, (my son started to open up) she made a big deal to them when she finally decided to babysit after keeping my mother waiting for nearly 1 1/2 hours. I am sure she was P***** that she had to leave the party early and couldn''t help her daughter with the children or clean up. She also asked if she could borrow one of my son''s books that he got for Christmas (Guinness Book of World Records ''09) and has yet to return it. No doubt she brought it over her daughters house for her children. That thought literally makes my blood boil. I asked him why he left it there and all he could say was "what was I going to do, say no!" He was so upset... and my heart is soooo broken......

I will replace it for him, but I don''t think he will ever forget it.

 

[AmberGretchen]

777 Lady - these people sound seriously bonkers. I know your husband works with them, but is there any way, seriously, that you could put some distance between you and them. Its just crazy that they continue to treat you like this, and IMO, you need to stop trying to hard as its only hurting you and not benefiting anybody.

I agree with Pandora that your husband needs to stand up to them for you more, but you can''t force him to do that - you can only control your own actions, and for the sake of you and your children, I''d say that putting some distance would be the best solution here.

 

[Clio]

I have been quite lucky in my relationships with my in-laws. I really love my in-laws, though there are of course moments when they drive me crazy.

My MIL is just the sweetest person there is. Every time I talk to her, she remembers to ask after my parents and sister. She dotes on me and the kids (hands down, I have won the child-in-law contest). There are things that frustrate me. She''s very timid (and more than a little paranoid) when dealing with the world outside her family, and I sometimes want to shake her and tell her to get some gumption. She''s also a relentless food pusher. She''s just not happy unless she''s feeding you. But these are just small things, and I really enjoy spending time with her.

My relationship with my FIL was initially rocky. We come from very different cultures with different expectations for parent/child relationships, plus he''s not necessarily an easy person to get along with even for people from his own culture. His relationship with his children has not always been smooth, either. He''s used to being waited on and getting his own way, and he has a very big ego and a fiery temper. But, he''s also very generous and fun-loving and extremely hard-working. Like my MIL, he absolutely dotes on the kids, and once our eldest child was born, my relationship with my FIL got much better. It was hard to dislike someone who clearly loved my child so very much.

I have tremendous respect for my in-laws. They came of age in a war-torn country (the first time they met was when my FIL''s army unit was sent into my MIL''s neigborhood in Saigon to weed out a nest of VC), and early in their marriage had to leave everything behind to start over in a country where they did not speak the language and were often viewed with suspicion. They came to the US with nothing and built a good life for themselves and their children. They owned a successful business for many years, sent their children to college, and are now enjoying a well-earned retirement. They have worked very, very hard in their lives, and they deserve every good thing that comes to them.

 

[Burk]

777~I agree with Amber that distance is in order. And, when you are around them and these things happen that your DH needs to stick up for you! Do you think if you shared with DH what your son has told you that would make your DH realize how bad it really is?

 

[Bia]

Date: 1/8/2009 1:40:17 PM
Author: 777_LDY

Ugh, DH called last night to tell me he decided to go to his parents. I just don't get it? But it probably was the better choice for him and I am assuming he knows it, yet still it hurt. He does need to smooth things over with them and that was probably the best way. I just hope he decides to put his foot down when it comes to me. I didn't have anything to do with what happened, they just shouldn't be taking their anger out on me. He should be dealing with this. They shouldn't be speaking to him, not me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *insert totally confused and frustrated emoticon here*

We had an ice storm yesterday so I spent most of the day (when I wasn't on PS trying to make myself feel better) getting it off my driveway. I was pretty p***** that he wasn't going to be home to help and when he tried to call me today to talk I let him know it. I don't think that I am ready to move forward with this until he can tell him mother that she shouldn't have been ignoring me in the first place, there was no reason for his father to disown me, and under NO circumstances should his sister have spoken to me like that.

This whole thing just makes no sense to me...

But that's my updated drama...

Oh, and my two oldest boys want nothing to do their grandmother now, which is such a shame. Apparently, (my son started to open up) she made a big deal to them when she finally decided to babysit after keeping my mother waiting for nearly 1 1/2 hours. I am sure she was P***** that she had to leave the party early and couldn't help her daughter with the children or clean up. She also asked if she could borrow one of my son's books that he got for Christmas (Guinness Book of World Records '09) and has yet to return it. No doubt she brought it over her daughters house for her children. That thought literally makes my blood boil. I asked him why he left it there and all he could say was 'what was I going to do, say no!' He was so upset... and my heart is soooo broken......

I will replace it for him, but I don't think he will ever forget it.

She sounds like the MIL from HELL! A total witch!

My blood is boiling over here and I don't even know her! (or you for that matter

)

I can only add one more thing: Please, please, DO NOT accept this behavior from your husband any longer. Its on the verge of being abusive, the way he's making you and your kids suffer...and all alone at that!

 

[packrat]

Oh wow-I''d say I was glad I''m not the only one w/MIL problems, but I hate that anyone else has to deal w/the same crap! My MIL lives about 1 mile away and comes twice a year, to see the kids on their birthdays. I never had a good relationship with her and it was just compounded after our first baby came. I toughed it out for about 4 or 5 months, but then hubby had to step in and basically tell her if she couldn''t do things the way we want them, she wasn''t allowed to watch our daughter-that was almost 5 years ago, and she''s not had hardly anything to do w/the kids since. I just couldn''t deal w/it, and hubby couldn''t deal w/me crying about it. The crying part is done tho..now I just get angry. I''ve tried, and I''m civil to her on the phone, but she has issues, and when she calls and gets him all wound up about things, I''m the one left to deal w/it, so that ticks me off. The last real problem I had w/her was a few months ago she called me to inform me she''d been thinking about it and I wasn''t taking good enough care of her son and she was quite sure he was going to have a heart attack and die, and I wouldn''t even care. That didn''t go over real well.

Also, I''d like to echo Amber, Burk and Bia about 777 having some distance from the inlaws for her and the kids..and for hubby to stand up to them. They won''t learn that there are consequences for their actions otherwise, and they''ll keep right on doing what they''re doing. It''s not worth it-the stress is too much! You shouldn''t have to be a doormat to his family.

 

[Octavia]

My FFIL and FGMIL are wonderful people. I don't see them often because they live halfway around the world, but I really wish they were closer and that travel wasn't such a hassle. I really need to learn FI's native language, so I can actually converse with his Grandma without a translator or being limited to the same handful of words I know, though. That's on tap for the next visit

My FMIL, on the other hand...well, I've never met the woman, since she has never seen fit to show up when I'm visiting FI's country. Not even for our engagement party, which she was invited to months in advance. Granted, she would have had to travel a couple hours from the village she lives in to the city we were in (where she owns an apartment she never uses, so it's not like she would have had to stay in a hotel or anything), but come on. She has nothing against me personally, as far as I can tell, but is just a selfish and difficult woman who played a big part in wrecking both of her own marriages and now takes her misery out on her children by cutting herself off from them, not acknowledging their birthdays or holidays, and very occasionally calling to make promises to get together that she never keeps. It was awful to see how hurt my FI was when she let him down once again. So as far as I'm concerned, I basically have no FMIL and it makes me sad because my parents both got along really well with each others' parents. As a kid (and still, even though two of my grandparents are deceased), it was awesome to have a big happy family like that, and I wish our kids could have the same. Oh well, such is life. And I guess it's better to have an absent FMIL than a bat$%!& crazy one.

I'm sorry for everyone with awful in-laws. I really can't imagine how horrible that would be

 

[777_LDY]

Date: 1/8/2009 8:18:39 PM
Author: packrat
Oh wow-I''d say I was glad I''m not the only one w/MIL problems, but I hate that anyone else has to deal w/the same crap! My MIL lives about 1 mile away and comes twice a year, to see the kids on their birthdays. I never had a good relationship with her and it was just compounded after our first baby came. I toughed it out for about 4 or 5 months, but then hubby had to step in and basically tell her if she couldn''t do things the way we want them, she wasn''t allowed to watch our daughter-that was almost 5 years ago, and she''s not had hardly anything to do w/the kids since. I just couldn''t deal w/it, and hubby couldn''t deal w/me crying about it. The crying part is done tho..now I just get angry. I''ve tried, and I''m civil to her on the phone, but she has issues, and when she calls and gets him all wound up about things, I''m the one left to deal w/it, so that ticks me off. The last real problem I had w/her was a few months ago she called me to inform me she''d been thinking about it and I wasn''t taking good enough care of her son and she was quite sure he was going to have a heart attack and die, and I wouldn''t even care. That didn''t go over real well.

Also, I''d like to echo Amber, Burk and Bia about 777 having some distance from the inlaws for her and the kids..and for hubby to stand up to them. They won''t learn that there are consequences for their actions otherwise, and they''ll keep right on doing what they''re doing. It''s not worth it-the stress is too much! You shouldn''t have to be a doormat to his family.

Oh Packrat, I am so sorry that you have to deal with that! She sounds like a total witch too, geez.

DH and I had a very long talk about this last night, and it sort of went well. I told him that this was the kind of crap that I have been dealing with from day one. This is just the first time he has actually seen it. I went back and reminded him of things that have happened in the past and how they compared to what was happening now. Not that I wanted to rehash old fights, but just to show him a pattern. He seemed to understand, and at least acknowledged how hurt I really am. He promised that he would stick up for me and support me, but what concerns me is when family functions come around. I told him I just don''t know if I can be apart of any of that till his family, mom and sis especially, put some sort of effort in. What scares me is that everything will get brushed under the carpet and just repeat itself over again. Things will take time to heal and until then I will absolutely have to distance myself from them. He said he would support me, but I know when the time comes it will ultimately just hurt him and I hate the thought of that.

I do know how upset he is that his sisters children are favored. I can''t even imagine how hurt I would be if my mother was doing this to me! The resentment would be so deep I don''t know if I would be able to deal with it either, but I explained to him that unless he put a stop to it, it would just continue to happen. He seemed to "get it".

I don''t like how he handled the situation, but these people are ultimately his family so I do blame them in part for some of his dysfunction. He was taught to just ignore the problems and continue on a toxic cycle. He knows he could have handled it better, but I honestly don''t think he knows how. And I have made it VERY clear to him that I will not allow this type of dysfunction to be past on to our children. I have always allowed my children to be open and honest about their feelings, they should never be afraid to express them to me or ask questions.. And I will not keep secrets from them just to diffuse a situation. I know that they cannot understand the extent of what goes on, but I was taught by one of the most reputable child psychologist in our state that children understand much more than we like to think, and that it is never a good idea to let them draw their own conclusions without being able to rationally understand the situation or letting them express themselves. I hope I explained that properly because by no means do I want them to be against their grandparents. I just want them to recognize right and wrong behavior so that the don''t think these type of situations are okay and repeat them when they are adults. I told him he was more than welcome and encouraged him to be apart of those discussions.

I love my husband dearly and I feel that this is something that I must help to see him through. Even if it was me that was intentionally hurt, it is him that got thrown in the middle. I am sensitive to that and it is a huge part as to why I am so upset with his family. Ultimately though, if he wants peace, then he will need to stand up, put a stop to it, and help create it. I told him that won''t happen unless we are a team, because ultimately, he has to come home to me, not them.

I know how much he loves me, and he has always tried to make me happy in all other areas of our life and loves his children with all of his heart. I know he means well and I hang onto that to it keeps me going. When his family isn''t involved we have a wonderful relationship and family. Sometimes I think that his mother is jealous of that. I remember when I received my ering upgrade she told me I should return it. Anytime he tries to do anything nice for me it somehow bothers her and SIL which is probably why they deliberately ruined his Christmas gift to me and this situation occurred. Sad. I reminded him that because of all this I didn''t get really get a gift and I thought he should make that up to me too. I was sort of joking, but I just couldn''t help myself.

Thanks ladies for listening. I''ve never vented like this to anyone really, but it has helped a bit. Only time will tell what will really happen.

 

[anchor31]

My MIL/FIL were real monters-in-law during our entire engagement.

I wrote a few posts about it so I''m not going to repeat myself... Fortunately, MIL told us at the wedding that she should have trusted us

and things have been looking up. I still don''t like them or enjoy their company; MIL is still interfering and annoying, and FIL is still, like Freke says, not fit for polite company, but it''s more tolerable than it was.

I sympathize for everyone who''s going through drama... I know how that feels like. I''m sort of dreading getting pregnant in case the drama starts up again!

 

[Burk]

777~Sounds like you and DH had a good talk! That''s a start! Good luck!

 

[packrat]

Thanks 777! I''m glad you two started talking about it. It''s good for him to know what''s going on and to know where you''re coming from in your feelings. I do think that some mothers have a hard time separating from their sons and letting them go to "another woman". My MIL used to tell me all the time, especially after London came how lucky I am to have a husband who will work full time and "let" me work part time so I can be home more, a husband who will help me change diapers and clean the house so I don''t have to do it all myself. B/C, my husbands father, to put it nicely, is a complete tool (I''ve never met him, just heard from hubby the stories of his childhood), and he was not a nice husband or father. I very nicely said "luck" had nothing to do with my marriage-I didn''t win him playing the slots or poker or Go-Fish. I CHOSE him, much the same as she chose her husband. My bff has problems w/her MIL also..she calls her "Mrs. Olsen" (Little House on the Prairie)

Venting is a good thing to do-it helps to get things out and talk about it. Holding it inside and letting it fester makes it worse.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I met my in-laws when I was 18, and I lacked then the perspective to realize that something was amiss with my MIL. Additionally, she was still married to FIL at that time, and he tempered many of her issues, IMO.

So that said, I thought she was just another mom of your friend or boyfriend until one or two years into our relationship when we were over there watching tv. MIL asked DH to return a video for her, and he said he would go at the hour or half-hour, whenever the show we were watching was over. She FLIPPED out, crying and screaming that he didn''t love her, no one loved her, etc. That was the first time I remember thinking, whoa, when we did we arrive in crazy land?

Since then all of her kids have left the house, she and FIL divorced and remarried other people (hers was a prize pick, but I can''t share the details as I worry they are too identifiable), and she seemed to lose whatever filter or control she had over her actions. Basically, there are two MILs:

a) MIL who is stuck in 1980 as the mother of needly little children. This MIL tells stories about DH as a small child in a giddy, childish voice. This MIL gives me a giant picture of her holding infant DH as a wedding shower present. This MIL leaves messages on our answering machine such as, "Hi! It''s me! I just wanted to let you know that [giggle] I was REALLY DIRTY tonight, so I [giggle] took a shower! Now I''m ALL CLEAN!" When SIL had major surgery, MIL came to visit. MIL did not clean a single dish, do a single load of laundry. Instead, she sat in an armchair asking her son to bring her things in a little girl voice. In her mind, she was the person who deserved to be taken care of in that situation. This is the woman who created a blog after my dad killed himself to tell the whole world about HER grief, about how she checked all these books out of the library on grief. She said something like, "Although my grief is immeasurable, I grieve even more for my DIL . . ." This is a woman who had not seen my dad in years, who went a year without even speaking to me. She did not send a card to me. She did not call. She did not bring a meal. She did not come to the service. But in blog world, she was a bereaved victim and saintly MIL who needed everyone to reach out to her after my loss.

b) MIL who is a bottomless pit of hurt and need. This MIL behaves as above in the video example. She makes impossible or inappropriate demands then rages at us for not fulfilling them. She storms out of our house after we have hosted Thanksgiving screaming, "I PROVED that I love you but YOU DID NOTHING FOR ME!!!!" She calls DH, accuses him of being a terrible son, screams over any response he attempts to make (as a rational, caring person, he does not want to hang up on her, because that''s much more concrete of a thing to come back at him with than not returning a video at the exact moment she asked, so he feels unable to end the conversation), hangs up on him, calls back, etc.

What I''ve learned is:

*don''t have ANY positive expectations of MIL. Expect the worst, and prepare for even worse than that. She has treated me so terribly, then sobbed about our relationship and accused me of hating her so many times that even her creating that blog in the worst time of my life did not surprise me. I was just thankful that that was the extent of her interaction with me. Better that than she actually show up trying to "help."

*recognize that DH was raised by this person. His perspective is not the same as mine. I must grant him the freedom to forge whatever kind of relationship is possible with her.

*At the same time, our safety is more important than societal expectations of how to respect one''s mother. I will read an insulting blog and will sit through an unpleasant lunch out because emotionally this woman has no hold over me, but I will not feel threatened in my own home. I will not put myself or future children in a position where she can hurt us, and I will try my best to convince DH not to let himself be in one either.

From what I''ve read, children raised by parents who behave this way turn out better when one parent is stable. FIL is, and I don''t think that MIL started acting out so absurdly until DH reached middle school. That''s when he would have started pulling away from her emotionally thus cutting off her supply of childish adoration that she seems to need, and that''s when he remembers her outbursts starting.

I''m just so glad that I''m an INTJ. I am not a feeler and it doesn''t bother me (much) to be vilified. Still, it''s not easy to take somebody who is so unsupportive, so manipulative, so irrational . . . somebody who stabs you in the back and then screams bloody murder as though you did it to her.

If this has been helpful to anyone in a similar situation, I''m glad. Over the years, DH''s ability to see his mother''s behavior for what it is has improved. At first, he felt guilty and was defensive of her, just as she had trained him to be through her positive and negative reinforcement. But I was patient, protecting our interests but trying to be understanding and flexible. Things have only gotten better in terms of him setting boundaries and limiting contact for our well-being.

You know, this anecdote is quite telling . . . like I said, I met DH when I was 18. I remember one time early in our relationship I had a tantrum about something (I was still a teenager, after all), and I really expected DH to get disgusted with me and call me out on it. But he just calmly took it like I had every right to act that way. I remember thinking, whoa dude, where''s your self respect? I totally just dissed you (except I didn''t talk in crazy slang when I was 18, but you get the idea). I think he was so used to outbursts that he really didn''t know I was being unreasonable. Luckily, I was still growing up, and I recognized that I was in the wrong and grew out of this phase. Unfortunately for MIL, something went wrong along the way and if she were going to grow out of tantrums, she would have 40 years ago.

 

[WishfulThinking]

I''m s glad this thread exists since it seems to have helped so many people vent about their experiences and hopefully feel better. I really feel for those of you who have shared stories of how horrible your in-laws are. I can only imagine.

I am pretty lucky with DW''s parents. They''re nice people, kind, and they love their daughter to pieces. I pretty much like them, and they pretty much like me, but the situation is complicated nonetheless. S''s mother will not let go of the image of S as her precious little girl who is never going to grow up. Or, if she does *have* to grow up, my MIL seems to think the best plan is for S to get a job in her hometown and stick around so she can be her mom''s best friend for the rest of her life. And, yeah, I don''t fit into this picture. The reality is that S moved across the country 4 years ago to go to college and her mom doesn''t know how to deal with it. I feel for her, and I understand that she hasn''t been able to spend as much time with S as she would like, but she needs to get over it. S has to go to grad school and follow her dreams and be an adult. And her mom has to be an adult as well, because S has a little brother who is still in middle school and he needs a mom. She seems to be having a tough time being his mom because she''s so worked up about S being so far away. These are the dynamics S has to deal with, and which I have to deal with in turn: S is basically a mother to her younger brother because my MIL is going off the deep end emotionally over S leaving. There is constant impending financial doom as her parents plan to file for bankruptcy... again. S is on the receiving end of every single phonecall, listens to every single complaint and vent from her mother, helps her little brother with his homework every night via phonecalls, and comes home every break at her mother''s request even though none of them can afford it.

My relationship in all of this is equally complicated. For my MIL it''s as if I am the physical manifestation of her daughter''s growing up and leaving her. I''m that girl she met at school, the school she "deserted" her mom to go to. When she brings me home with her I''m interfering with the little quality time they have together and it upsets her mom. When she doesn''t bring me home and we instead talk on the phone at least once daily her mom feels that she is emotionally absent and distracted and not focused enough on her. And then there are the hangups about our relationship. I will preface this by saying that I know I should be counting my lucky stars every single day that her parents even acknowledge our relationship and marriage, but that doesn''t make the situation are in any more pleasant to be a part of. My MIL is convinced that if we hold hands or show any sign of affection in public people stare at us. And, well, do they? To be honest, sort of. But that can''t be helped. I cannot stop living my life because of the prejudice of others, and if I can''t do that I cannot live my life with the dignity I deserve. If we thought we were in danger of being the victims of a hate crime we''d be more careful, but we have good sense and practice to let us know what is appropriate. The bottom line is that it is NOT inappropriate for my wife and I to hold hands in public. Fortunately DW and I are on a united front, and we''ve decided that any future visits will be on our own terms, using our own judgment about what is and is not appropriate. Her mom does not like that, but at least S is aware enough to call her on it when she''s being unreasonable and to lay out ground rules and stick to them without leaving me to bear the brunt of it. I''m very lucky.

FIL is a very quiet man and I don''t know him very well. S is not close with her father, and her parents aren''t close with each other. Everyone is always fighting. We honestly try to avoid it as much as possible.

Whoo... turns out I needed a little vent as well.

 

[oobiecoo]

I like FIL and StepMIL for the most part. StepMIL gets to drinking and will say some innapropriate things sometimes... DH always says she hasn''t been drinking as much but whenever I''m there she definitely does. It also seems like she feels no parental responsibilities for her stepchildren. I''m not saying she should cook and clean and bend over backwards for them, but she doesn''t even like when the kids go and stay with them a couple of days on the weekend or whatever. The kids are all grown up... the oldest being 40ish and the youngest 19... so its not like there are little kids running around making messes or anything. FIL is similar in that he doesn''t seem to like helping his kids out. He is a doctor but will hardly give medical advice beyond "take some asprin" and that sort of thing. I guess it bothers me because my parents will always be there for me and will help me with ANYTHING I need as long as they are able to... but MIL and StepMIL just don''t feel that way.

MIL is a total psycho and we don''t talk to her. When I met DH he hadn''t spoken to her in 3 years and now I''ve still only seen her about 3 times. She was abusive to many of her children and is bipolar (doesn''t take her meds). She always tries to make everything about HER. She treats her kids like they are still 6 years old... especially my husband. The day she tried to give him marriage advice I decided I was done with that lady. Only 1 or 2 of her 9 kids still talks to her occasionally... maybe once every 6 months.

 

[trillionaire]

I''m really enjoying this thread! I am not engaged, but my SO''s mom calls me her FDIL

It''s so nice to be lovingly embraced by his parents and family, and they are all so sweet and wonderful to me. I feel totally comfortable with them, and it is such a blessing. Especially because they were not too thrilled about their new DIL, but they are coming around, I think? Maybe. I''m glad I was not controversial!

Further, SO''s parents are a decade younger than mine, and I while would be devastated to not have my parents around, I do feel very fortunate to think that I will have ''parent figures'' in my life for many, many years to come! (and my parents are doing just fine, it just dawned on me reading this thread that SO''s parents could one day be my surrogate parents)

 

[HollyS]

Oh, gee. Where do I start?

I''m sure the MIL is just batty because she''s close to eighty. Surely she wasn''t this annoying as a younger woman. . . . . .

She''s hardheaded, stubborn, set in her ways. That could be age, right? She''s catty, gossipy, snarky about her fellow residents at her retirement community. Age, right? No matter how much we might like to take her out somewhere, anywhere away from ''the residence'' for dinner, she wants to eat in the dining room and complain about the food. No matter which resident might speak to her as we dine, she''ll have some rather snotty comment to make about them after they leave. Even those she considers friends. She ''special orders'' from the kitchen instead of accepting any of the many choices on that day''s menu.

No matter that we live 3+ hours away, and her son has worked until midnight the night before, she will expect us by 3PM the next day (when we visit), or we get the guilt trip.

She will say the most insensitive, and sometimes downright bigoted things. Like the way she talks about her ''friend'' Lilly, a Jewish woman.

If you call her, she will talk - forever - about absolutely nothing. And she always always must speak to me, even when I''ve begged the hubby to tell her I''m ''indisposed''. She''ll literally wait until she thinks I should be done with whatever. And then she tells me the same stories she just told him.

Is she lonely? Maybe. But two sons live within 30 miles of her and visit every week. She lives in a beautiful retirement residence that costs a bundle, but rarely enjoys any of their many ammenities. She''s not ill, or unable to function normally, but would rather feel left out than join in the many activities there or trips outside the residence.

I try to chalk all of it up to age, and eccentricities. I smile sweetly, hug her often, and bide my time until we leave. And then heave a sign of relief that she is not my mom. I''m sure she''s just missing her husband; I sincerely hope she wasn''t this cranky all her life.

 

[HollyS]

Phoenixgirl: your situation with MIL makes my MIL seem like a saint. YOU are a saint for dealing with that crazy . . . . woman. She needs therapy. Lord.

 

[luckystar112]

Okay my turn.

My in-laws are pretty laid back. They live across the country so they aren''t really able to interfere in our lives. I don''t think they would anyway. I actually think they can be TOO uninterested sometimes, especially when it comes to fairness among siblings. DH has an older brother who is married, and I sometimes think that they are favored over us. It is not a distance thing, since they live in another state as well. But his parents often go to visit them in their state, or they all travel to college football games together, etc. I have also noticed a "difference" in Christmas gifts and things of that nature. DH doesn''t see much of a difference though. It could be that I was raised an only child and have a different mentality about fairness. But since DH''s brother is older, it is almost as if they treat him more as an adult. They talk to him and his wife about adult topics, do adult things, buy them adult gifts, etc. They got DH a slingshot for Christmas....with plastic balls and all. Just little things like that, which make me think that they do not consider us "grown up" yet, even though DH is in his late 20s!

Unfortunately though, I am the one with "crazy" parents. My step-father is extremely laid back, but my mother flies off the handle very easily. She had been able to hide her crazy ways around DH, but he finally got to see her true colors when we went up there for Christmas. What happened was my step-father''s brothers and their wives were going out to eat at a restaurant that is also a popular biker bar. My step-father asked DH if he wanted to go, and so we both went. My mother did not come because she had to work the next morning, but she told us to have fun. We left for the bar/restaurant around 7pm. We ate dinner and just hung out for a little bit, talking. Of course, time went by and it started to turn into more of a "bar" atmosphere. A band came on stage, it started filling up with people, etc.
Around 10pm our whole party decided to drop by another place to see what it was like (since it was DHs first time in town). On the way there my mother called my step-father and he told her we were on our way HOME!

But we weren''t, we were on our way to the other place. I have no idea why he did that (maybe to try and prevent what was to come?) but all it did was make things worse. So we get there, and I take it upon myself to call my mother and let her know where we are. She says, "Well I hope you''re having a great f#$%ing time!" and hangs up on me. So we decided to leave RIGHT AWAY, step-father in tow.

We got home around 10:45pm. Except, we didn''t actually get in the door.

My mother heard us arrive so she went to the door, as DH was trying to open it, and pushed it closed and LOCKED IT. Locked us out of the house. Then she proceeds to call my step-father, who is standing in the drive-way with us, and yell at him. She finally let''s us in, but she is screaming the whole time. DH and I walk right past her and go upstairs to the room we are staying in. I can hear my mother flipping out downstairs, calling my step-father a "pitiful drunk" (he is SOOOOOO not even close to a drunk. He had two beers.) and saying that she is going to divorce him. "F" this, "F" that, she accuses us of all talking behind her back and making fun of her (yes, she has issues. She truly believed that we spent the whole time talking about how great it was that she wasn''t there). She says that she is leaving and that she is not coming back, ESPECIALLY not while we''re there (meaning me and my dh). She also said that my step-father''s brothers and their wives aren''t welcome to HER house anymore because she "knows that they hate her". It''s actually my step-father''s house, and was his house long before he ever met her. She was talking about the bar, and how "trashy" it is. It was........embarrassing to say the least. DH couldn''t believe that she was freaking out so bad about her GROWN ADULT husband wanting to have a couple of beers with his brothers and us--and that she was SO pissed off that we came home at the "wild night" time of 10:45.

Luckily, she had to work the next day (she works 12 hour shifts at a hospital), so we did not see her all day. We came downstairs and saw suitcases packed with all of her clothes and a Christmas card to her from my step-father ripped in a million pieces and thrown all over the livingroom.

She kept her car hostage from DH and I (for the next three days) and we had no way to get anywhere...not even a to a car-rental place. Looking back we should have rented one from the get-go, but my mother had so generously offered to let us use hers for the week. So we just walked around my little small town...nothing to do, nowhere to go. Couldn''t show DH all the wonderful things that Maine has to offer...couldn''t do anything. That night she came home and yelled at step-father some more. The next day she had off but she spent the WHOLE DAY locked in her bedroom. Issues. Issues. Issues.

At that point in time, DH started getting really pissed off. He wanted to see about getting a hotel in Boston and just leaving early...hanging out in Boston for a couple of days until we left to go back home. He didn''t want to go back to my parents house at all. The tension was so thick, and he just couldn''t handle my mother''s attention-seeking ways. Nor could I. I had to talk him out of it because there were still some people I hadn''t seen, my father being one of them, and I told him that she''ll get over it eventually...she just needs her drama.

Turns out, the reason why she was mad at me and DH was because she heard DH laughing at her. Which he DID!!! He kind of laughed under his breath when she slammed the door in his face because he thought she was joking! He had never seen anyone act like that before. I told him he hadn''t seen ANYTHING....oh, the stories I could tell. His parents are totally rational and calm and would never raise their voices to each other, so this was new to him.
Luckily, on our LAST DAY THERE she was back to "normal". No mention of the fight whatsoever. She was on one of her "highs" where her tone is higher, she talks all "happy" and peppy like she is the happiest person in the world. We were all thankful for that. And she let us use her car on that last day so I was able to take DH around for a little bit more sightseeing.

DH will never stay there again though, which is sad, because unlike his parents mine do not pay for our flights home for the holidays...so between the cost of a hotel, rental car, boarding our dogs, and the fact that Christmas is always the week before our mortgage is due, I think it will take a lot of motivation to go back there at all.

. I''m really mad at my mother because I feel like she really ruined things for me. This was my chance to really sell New England to DH and I feel like I was robbed of that. It may just be in my head though because DH did say that despite everything he''d rate the trip an 8, and since then he has said other little things regarding moving there eventually...so she may not have totally ruined it for me.

On New Years Eve she called me "drunk" (she wasn''t drunk). Guess where she was? The bar that she was SO pissed we all went to without her.

In her best baby voice she told me that my stepfather had to hold her back from getting in a fight.

I know my mother, so I know the story was false. She just wanted to squeeze in one more attention-seeking story in 2008. She had previously told me about all the "fights" that go on at that bar, so it was like she playing off of that. For the record, this place seemed so mundane while we were there. Lots of middle-aged, middle-class adults. Granted, we were only there one night. When I told DH about the call, and where she was, he said "Yup. Now I believe you that she is certifiably insane".

 

[iheartscience]

lucky, wow...I hope this doesn''t come out wrong, because I really mean this as a compliment: you turned out really well for having a mother who''s kind of crazy! Your post just had me going

and I know you''ve mentioned she''s kind of crazy before! I''m sorry you have to deal with that, seriously!

 

[luckystar112]

hahaha don't worry thing, I DO take it as a VERY BIG compliment. It is pretty sad, because I've dealt with her tantrums for the better part of my life. I love her because she is my mother, but I can't help but feel bad for anyone that has to deal with her mood swings on a daily basis...like my step-father, his daughter, or other family members who live in the area. She is very cruel and vindictive, but at the same time I can sense from her this huge yearning to be accepted by people. It's definitely hard. Had she been my aunt, well, I don't know if I'd have a relationship with her. But she is my mother. And since she is my mother, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for feeling the way I do about her, and the thoughts that I have--like my secret though that my stepfather should just divorce her. It really tears me apart because I want to love ALL of her.

DH though, he totally cracked me up. I forgot to mention this in my previous post...but after she had slammed the door in his face and then later opened it to let us in, she slammed it shut again when we all came inside. DH goes, "I'll lock it!" and locked the door.

This was AFTER he had already laughed at her! I guess he hadn't caught on that she was serious yet. When he did it I just gave him a little nudge and thought to myself "keep your mouth shut, dh!!!!" and grabbed him so we could make our way upstairs as fast as possible. We laughed about it the next day though. For the rest of our time there whenever we approached any type of door one of us would go, "I'll lock it!" haha


ETA: The other thing I wanted to mention, just to better illustrate my mother's thought processes, is that I am fairly positive that had I not got with DH and my step-father, my mom would not have cared how long they stayed out or where they went. In fact, I'm willing to bet that she would have been on one of her "highs" thinking it was so cool that our "men" were out on the town together. Also, the fact that I was there with the women that "hate" her probably pushed her over the edge.

 

[zhuzhu]

Lucky,
I am so sorry to hear of our horror Christmas story! Was it the first time your DH ever visited your mom and stepfather? I was with my in laws last Christmas in Boston area too, and I totally understand how inconvenient it is to not have a car to go around. We also had to stay at a hotel and yes, it gets expensive!! Frankly my MIL''s house prob would not be too comfortable for me - so we just have to save up way before Christmas time for the next year!

 

[VegasAngel]

FIL & I get along fine. MIL & I have always butted heads. She is arrogant, lies like champ, & is probably one of the cheapest people I have ever met.

My mother told me that my MIL would ruin my marriage & that I might as well marry her too, & she was right.