Come tell us about your MIL/FIL

[zhuzhu]

After having vented on another thread about how frustrated I was with my IL issues, I found it most comforting to hear some of YOUR IL stories and how you deal with your own issues. They are great inspirations and provide me with good ideas to solve potential problems in the future, so Thank You!!

I thought to open a new thread here asking you to share your IL stories with us. What are your ILs like? Did it take you a while to get all cozy with them? What aspects of their personality/character do you like and dislike? What tricks have you used to make getting a long with them easy? What strategy do you apply to resolve conflicts?

Having a collective DIL brain power here surely will help all of us, and any future DIL. So Thanks!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/6/2009 5:45:40 PM
Author:zhuzhu
After having vented on another thread about how frustrated I was with my IL issues, I found it most comforting to hear some of YOUR IL stories and how you deal with your own issues. They are great inspirations and provide me with good ideas to solve potential problems in the future, so Thank You!!

I thought to open a new thread here asking you to share your IL stories with us. What are your ILs like? Did it take you a while to get all cozy with them? What aspects of their personality/character do you like and dislike? What tricks have you used to make getting a long with them easy? What strategy do you apply to resolve conflicts?

Having a collective DIL brain power here surely will help all of us, and any future DIL. So Thanks!

Well, the best trick I had was shipping their son 8000 miles away from them.

In all seriousness though, there is nothing about my MIL/FIL that I do not like. I adore them - they are amazing people. Honest, hardworking and so very loving.

Which is really amazing to me considering what my MIL went through in her life. She never knew her father. Her mother remarried and apparently the stepfather was a monster. Went to jail for murder (I don''t know the details). Beat my MIL. Raped her half sister, and was therefore jailed for incest as well. MIL was bounced around to foster homes where she ended up with a horrible foster father as well. She doesn''t really talk about her past life, but I''ve figured out things from tidbits here and there.

She had TGuy''s sister when she was 17 and everyone tried to persuade her to give up the baby. She refused. She and the baby''s father got married when she turned 18 and worked hard. They have done very well for themselves, and of course they also had TGuy.

They are so much fun, and so wonderful to me. I was just in Australia and my MIL said I should have a nice bath in their jacuzzi tub. Problem was that there wasn''t enough hot water to fill it since she had run the dishwasher and washing machine. So she made my FIL and TGuy draw hot water in buckets from the other bathroom (which is on a different water service and is instant hot water). I just couldn''t believe she was making them draw me a bath...and that they actually did it! Everyone laughed and I had my first bath in who knows how long.

My FIL is a man of few words and very wise. He''s a lot more verbal with his family though and we always have the best time.

This is probably a boring post because it''s so glowing, but I just love them, so what can I say? I also fully believe that I would love them just as much if they lived here...and in fact I really wish they did.

 

[777_LDY]

This is a great thread zhuzhu. I am too upset to say anything right now but maybe later. All I can really say, as I start to freaking cry again, is that they have never really accepted me and therefore blame me for any problems that they might have with my husband...

It hasn''t been an easy holiday...

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/6/2009 5:45:40 PM
Author:zhuzhu
After having vented on another thread about how frustrated I was with my IL issues, I found it most comforting to hear some of YOUR IL stories and how you deal with your own issues. They are great inspirations and provide me with good ideas to solve potential problems in the future, so Thank You!!

I thought to open a new thread here asking you to share your IL stories with us. What are your ILs like? Did it take you a while to get all cozy with them? What aspects of their personality/character do you like and dislike? What tricks have you used to make getting a long with them easy? What strategy do you apply to resolve conflicts?

Having a collective DIL brain power here surely will help all of us, and any future DIL. So Thanks!

 

[elrohwen]

I'm pretty lucky that my FMIL is easy to get along with (there's no FFIL, he passed away 6 years ago). She's very nice and absolutely loves me. One thing I find difficult is that she can be a little annoying ... she just asks ridiculous questions, especially while watching movies, and it can drive me crazy after a few days (among the other mildly annoying things she does). It doesn't bother FI at all, but his sister goes batty after a few days too. Haha. I guess she's no worse than my own mom, but with my mom, if she makes a dumb joke or something I can jokingly call her out on it. With FMIL I just have to smile and act like it was funny, know what I mean? After 4 or 5 days I find it hard to pretend to be amused all the time lol.

The other thing that really bothers me is that FMIL and FSIL can be very emotional and get upset over things easily which I'm not good at handling because I'm used to my parents (and friends) who are way more laid back and easy going. I'll admit that it does bother me when my FMIL or FSIL get mad at each other or FI for the stupidest things, and then FI, always the reasonable and calm one, has to soothe them. I wish they would just be a bit more laid back and not get all emotional all the time. Also, they'd never get openly upset at something I did, but FI is always worried that I'll unknowingly do something to make them upset (which they wouldn't share with me, but might bring up with him later). So he wants me to be super duper nice and ingratiating, but I don't feel like it's my responsibility to walk on eggshells so they don't potentially get upset with something I unintentionally do. ::sigh:: I don't really have a solve for this, I just act like myself and hope I don't accidentally do something to upset them. It does cause disagreements with FI because he does want me to walk on eggshells, but it's just not something I know how to do, not having experience with overly emotional people (who I find a bit irrational). I know he's just very protective of them and doesn't want them to get upset or stressed over anything, but it bothers me that he wants me to put my wants and needs second to theirs to keep them happy. I mean, they can deal with other people, they're not as fragile as he thinks.

I like this thread. I'm hoping to pick up some tips on building my relationship with my FMIL because I really do like her and hope that our relationship can only get better over the years. She has really accepted me into her family and is super happy that her beloved son has found me

I'm glad that my mom and dad feel the same way about FI. Our moms are even really good friends now (FMIL went to visit my parents for a weekend without FI and me! they had a blast), so I'm very very lucky that the joining of our families has turned out so well. Fingers crossed for the future!

 

[elrohwen]

TGal, you''re very lucky! It''s a shame they don''t live closer to you.

 

[fieryred33143]

Not to brag but I

them. They are my family away from my family, home away from home.

When I first met them, his mom instantly fell in love. Why? Because I was waiting in the car for them to pack up their van and make our way to an aunt''s house for New Years. I got out and asked his mom where the rest of the food was to help them pack up. That''s why she fell in love LMAO she''s a nut.

My FFIL (future, not married yet) treats me like his daughter. I gave him a card about four years ago that said in the absence of my father, I''m glad to have him in my life. He displays that card on his fridge and shows anyone he can whenever they come to the house.

As for things I dislike, its mostly with his mom. She has the tendancy to complain to me about FI all the time. I don''t like it at all because it leaves me in the position of staying on good terms with her and defending my guy.

But overall I love them. I really do. That was very important to me. I had told myself that I wouldn''t marry someone unless I loved their parents and they felt the same way. I got that from my mom and dad. My grandfather (on mom''s side) is a miserable, awful man. The only person he ever respected and genuinely cared for was my father. And my dad''s parents love my mom. They still say she''s their DIL even though my father passed away years ago and when they come to visit, they stay with her instead of staying with their daughter that lives 5 minutes away from mom''s house.

 

[zhuzhu]

TGal and others, there is nothing boring about your happy loving IL stories! In fact it is wonderful to read about them and to dream about building the same kind to relationship!

So keep your stories coming, both good and bad!

 

[Efe]

Date: 1/6/2009 6:10:28 PM
Author: 777_LDY
This is a great thread zhuzhu. I am too upset to say anything right now but maybe later. All I can really say, as I start to freaking cry again, is that they have never really accepted me and therefore blame me for any problems that they might have with my husband...

It hasn''t been an easy holiday...

Oh 777 I feel for you. After just being released from my own MIL hell, I know exactly how you feel. I can''t even articulate it at the moment. She was here for 2 weeks, and I am going to need 3 weeks to recover completely. Meanwhile, my husband is on my list...

 

[JSM]

My FMIL is a very nice lady - a little strange, but means well.

I just wrote this whole huge rant about my FSIL, but this is not the thread for that! Lol!

Suffice it to say that I get along with my FMIL only because she lives 5 hours away.

 

[April20]

I''m not even sure where to start. First off, they''re really not bad in the big scheme of things. They are certainly not the horror stories that some of you deal with.

My FIL is a gem. Truly. Caring, considerate and makes me a cocktail as soon as arrive at their house (actually, my MIL generally tells him to go make me something when we walk in the door).

My MIL is just a lot. I will start out by saying that she means well. She only has the best of intentions and nothing is ever malicious. She just drives me crazy in the process of everying. I think my biggest issue is that she has VERY set ideas at times on how she thinks something should be done or how something should be. Once that''s in her head, it''s in. Good luck dislodging it. The kicker is sometimes it goes from something she "hopes" is true to her believing it is fact. Makes me CRAZY.

The other thing that probably drives me crazier than anything else is that she says WHATEVER comes into her head. She has NO filter. I''m pretty sure she did at one time, but I think she ripped it out and sold it on Ebay or something. There are times she says things that just make you stop and wonder what the heck?????

My MIL really wanted a daughter. She actually told her son to go "get her one". Problem is, I already have two mothers. That might be why I am so frustrated with her at times. In all honestly, though, we get along fine. We don''t fight. She''s super nice to me.

I should not complain!

 

[AmberGretchen]

Wow - definitely a range of feelings on this one. 777_Lady and Bizou - so sorry you guys suffered so much over the holidays - that''s no fun at all!

My MIL I would say is medium to difficult. She has moments where she is lovely, like right after my DH and I got engaged she sent me a beautiful sapphire necklace for my birthday and a really sweet note about joining the family. 6 months later DH and I (still engaged at the time) went to visit, and she called him after we got home to tell him she "didn''t really think we were in love." Um, yeah

I think the root of the problem is twofold. The first thing is that I took her "precious" son away. Even though my DH is completely brilliant in his own right, she treated him as "her baby" (and called him that to his face

) right up to and including the day we both graduated from college together. When we moved across the country, she saw that as my fault, and taking her baby away, even though he was an adult who made his own decision about where he wanted to live (and preferred where we now are to any other location).

The second problem is that we just come from such different perspectives on life. By the time she was my age, she had two kids and was struggling with my FIL to survive on a tiny income, with barely a high school education. I, on the other hand, am finishing my PhD (or trying to at least

) and have a very prestigious and demanding job lined up for after I graduate. I don''t know if DH and I will ever have kids but if we do it certainly won''t be soon. So I think that is really hard for her to understand, and leads to an enhancement of the fact that we just don''t have anything in common.

I think that the best strategy I''ve found is to just let the insulting stuff roll off my back whenever I can, and to support my DH in asserting his independence. For example, after our last visit to their house, we decided we aren''t going to stay there anymore. We will get a hotel room in the nearest big city (about a 30 minute drive away) so that we can see our own friends and do our own thing (we''re very much city, not suburban people), but still spend time with them.

 

[packrat]

Just want to barge in and ask if I could have TGals inlaws for a little while? Seeing as how you''re so far away? I''d give them back good as new I promise!

 

[fisherofmengirly]

What a good thread idea!

I love my mother and father-in-law. They're sweet, have morals and values and live by them, and have raised a wonderful son who's made a wonderful husband.

My mother-in-law is like a kindred spirit. We share a love of painting, all things creative, and she's got a personality very much like mine. We're quiet at first, very contemplative, but also fun and talkative once we are comfortable with the situation or new people. Martha has such a precious peace about her, and she has taught me so much in the 4 years I've known her. She's totally someone I consider family, not just an *in-law.* She has recently been diagnosed with a pretty serious illness, and you know, it's done nothing to break her spirit, change her nature or the way she lives her life. I *so* hope that I will one day be a strong enough person to be that way. She's positive and upbeat, but never in a fake way. It's so awesome. Even when she feels like total crap and is going through a horrendous round of medical treatments, she'll talk about how great she'll be feeling in a day or two, or talk about the future, when she's cleared of the illness. It's awesome. Really makes you think about how important your outlook on life is. She gets a kick out of the little things in life and finds joy so easily. That's another trait I hope I develop in my lifetime. She's easy to talk to, and welcomed me into her family right away. She says I'm the daughter she always wanted.

She's going to be an awesome grandmother and I like that she doesn't wedge her way into any issue Paul and I may be going through. It's like we always know she's there if we want to talk about something with her, but she doesn't press or prod.

Paul's dad is a sweet person, and I love him dearly, too. I think we have a pretty good relationship, but it's not the same or as strong as the relationship Martha and I share. His father is very much a fun loving guy, doesn't take much in the world seriously. That's not a bad trait, but it's not like anyone I've ever been around. We do sometimes bump heads (never in a serious way, though) when he tells me what I "need" to do, or what Paul needs to do, or how we "need" to act. I'm trying to think of an example. It's never anything major, at all. It's just goofy stuff, things that shouldn't bother me, but at times, they do. For instance, he likes to make comments about women's roles. You know, the 1950s stuff, like I'm supposed to be June Cleaver or something ridiculous like that. In most ways he's joking, but I always get the feeling that there is an undertone. He has very strong opinions, and will share them with anyone, whether they care to hear them or not. I'm a very strong-willed person myself, so this is a trait I have to respect as I have a tendency to do the same. I think that once we enter parenthood, there will be a wealth of opinions about how we raise up his grandchild(ren). I think that over time, he has learned more about me and I feel like the awkward moments have died down. We always go home (to my family) for Christmas, since we live less than an hour from Paul's parents and have every other holiday with them. He broke my heart our first Christmas when Paul came home with me (when we were engaged), saying he sure hoped we didn't do that every year, ruining their Christmas. What he didn't realize was that this was something Paul and I agreed to, as long as I'm away from my family, that I can have Christmas with them. Anyway, it wasn't a huge deal, but it felt like an intrusion into our choices, and I was hurt that my family didn't seem to be of any importance to him, and that it shouldn't be to myself or Paul, either. Over time, he's learned that I'm possibly more sensitive than most and I think we've developed a stronger relationship in the past year or so. He likes to play around, and so I try to be a little more playful and joking around him, and he doesn't make as many of the sometimes thoughtless comments he's somewhat known for. The thing I have to remember is that he does and says none of the "thoughtless" things with the intention of hurting anyone. He's got a wonderful heart and he's a sweetie. It's just his personality and part of how he interacts with people. We have had our moments, though. Nothing huge, but moments.

I'm a lucky girl. I don't feel like I have to put on a front when we're around them, and they visit us and it's fun to entertain and make a meal for them. It's fun to talk to them, go shopping with Martha, call William to share a one liner I heard on the radio, etc. We visit them often, too. We take little day trips together. I go visit them to paint with Martha (something she has more time to do since she's been off work with her illness).

Mostly though, I love that they've committed to one another and have shown Paul the basis for a foundation in marriage. I truly think you learn a lot by what you see, hear, and live with every day growing up. I appreciate the traditions and love of family that they built up in Paul. And I love that they love me and take me as I am. Not all in-laws are like that. I'm truly blessed.

 

[EricaR]

My FIL is a really good guy. He can be a bit of a pain in the butt sometimes, and if we ever have kids no way would I leave them with him (he''s a big bully), but dealing one on one with him as an adult is a-ok. He is extremely generous, caring, and has a great heart. His wife (not my FI''s mom) passed away about a year ago and he''s planning on getting married in the next few months. Hopefully he won''t change much.

My MIL is great, mostly because I never have to see or speak to her. In all honesty, she a an evil manipulative woman and my FI hasn''t spoken with her in about three years. I''m sure he will eventually speak to her, but I don''t ever expect her to be a big part of our lives.

 

[Elmorton]

I loved my MIL from the second I met her (and vice versa, I''m told). She''s somewhere between a second mom and an older friend for me - and her values/parenting style are a lot like my own parents (ex-hippie type), which makes sense why I get along with her so well and why DH and I have such similar values and outlooks. She''s very respectful of the relationship I have with her son, respectful of me as a person, and very much expects us to do our own thing and live our own lives. I think she''s surprised when I ask her for advice, actually. It''s a pretty easy relationship.

It took me a little more time with my FIL and SMIL. I love them both very much and I think they''ve been very gracious in accepting me into their family, but even their own children sortof have to tread lightly around them. Sometimes they make me angry with things that they do or say (or say to DH''s sibs and gets back to us), but I''ve learned to ignore and move on because the relationship that DH and I have with them will cycle back. I do struggle more with them because I can be very honest and open about how I feel about anything in front of my parents and my MIL, and usually it''s best to stay a little more guarded around FIL and SMIL. At the end of the day though, I still count myself lucky for having them as in-laws as well. They''re pretty good to me and my DH.

 

[zhuzhu]

I find it bothersome that my MIL and SIL tried to get to know me through DH, instead of asking me directly. Some of their questions about me are extremely personal and inappropriate in my book. Besides being noesy, MIL loves to give advices to us through DH on every little thing from money saving to shopping to pet adoption. I am sorry, but I don''t think she knows me well enough to evaluate what is "best for me and our marriage". I really want to have a chance to politely ask her to intrude less, but she is a master at calling DH when I am still at work.

My FIL and his wife (DH''s parents divorced more than 20 years ago) are much more respectful of our marriage and of me as a person. That alone actually makes me open up to them easily because I am comfortable with them. My BIL is so quiet that I hardly heard him speak, but his wife is another pill in itself. She never even congratulated our marriage via a card of a phone call, and all they do is expecting gifts from us on Christmas for their children(and never expressed thanks). I am very sensitive to relationship balance, and believe in both give and take. I took the time to write a kind note to DH''s SIL''s mother when her husband died though I never even met her, yet DH''s SIL never even expressed a drop of kindness towards our marriage.

I have no idea how my IL relationship will change in time, I just hope I don''t let it bother me too much as DH is the love of my life, and I really do not wish to let it hurt our relationship.

 

[rainwood]

My MIL is, and always has been, a pill and I''ve been married 30 years. But she''s like that with everyone, driving my DH and my BIL equally crazy. I''ve developed 3 techniques over the years to deal with her:

1) I listen, nod and look like I''m agreeing with her then proceed to do what I (or we) wanted. That was my primary technique for the first decade or so. It mostly worked, and if asked about it later, I''d cheerfully say something vague about us ending up needing to do something different. It was a lot easier than asking her to butt out or for me to disagree with what she said at the time she said it.

2) After awhile, I started using what I call the steamroller with honey technique. I''d basically act as if I hadn''t heard what she said and cheerfully did what I wanted, often announcing what I was going to do before she could even get a word in, but always in a very cheerful, friendly way. It''s important that you steamroll using honey rather than asphalt. I''ve gotten good enough at this that she doesn''t even know what hit her sometimes. Steamrolling with honey allows you to set your own agenda or at least knock her off hers.

3) Now, as she gets up in years, I will often just say "I''m not going to do that" or whatever the response needs to be but again, always cheerfully and with a smile on my face then move on to some other topic. It''s amazing what you can get away with if you say it in a nice, friendly tone.

The longer I was part of the family, the easier it became to see that my MIL is a product of how she was raised, and apparently was a vast improvement over her parents who from all accounts could suck the joy out of any occasion. This would sometimes get me through the first few comments and then I''d have to resort to other techniques. That said, she still drives me crazy sometimes and that''s just part of life. I''ll probably miss it when she''s gone.

 

[Pandora II]

I''m incredibly lucky to have the most wonderful MIL. She''s a trained counsellor and is being ordinated as a priest this year and is very good at saying just the right thing at the right time. She never interfers, but will give advice if it''s asked for. Her husband is also a vicar and DH and I really get on well with him. DH and I are both staunch atheists, and they are both obviously very religious, but it is never a problem: We give them Richard Dawkin''s books for Christmas and they give us equally appropriate presents back!

DH is one of 4 boys, so I think his mother was thrilled to finally get some female company. My SIL and I both met our husbands within weeks of each other and we hit it off as soon as we met which has made things very easy. No. 3 just got engaged on Xmas Day and his new FI is so nice.

FIL is just rather odd and his wife is bonkers (and I mean that in every sense of the word). I like him, but I wouldn''t call him up for a chat the way I would my MIL. DH and his brothers have a major problem with FIL''s wife and my SIL and I don''t care for her either.

So far we have managed to avoid any confrontation, but all hell will let lose when the baby arrives in May. They are planning on coming down to see my asap after the birth (er, no they are not) and want us to visit them all the time. FIL has an idea that grandparents have some kind of access rights. Why he thinks that his son who I have to drag there kicking and screaming twice a year is suddenly going to want to drive an 8 hour round trip every other weekend I have no idea....

Above all I am fortunate that my husband puts me way before any member of his family - and they all know it. He has also always been very independent and unlike his brothers rarely had a great deal of contact with his family - they keep in touch via FaceBook - so I am seen as someone who has ''housetrained'' him and who keeps everyone informed about what we are up to.

 

[cbs102]

My FMIL is a nightmare. The very first time she met me she told me that she was very concerned that i have never been married before, that i don''t have any children, and she wanted to know what was wrong with me. I was 27 at the time, graduated college, worked in NY and just had not found ''the one''. She said that she was too old to be a grandmother again so she hoped we didn''t have kids (she just turned 50 and FI has a 4 year old daughter)

when FI told his mother that we were moving in she told him that it would never work because i was too headstrong. Too headstrong? so she wants a woman with her son who has no brain of her own??? Cmon!

Two days before i was to move in she told FI that someone like him should not have kids and that poor 4yr old daughter..cbs is taking over her space. they stopped talking for a year after that. she has now befriended FI''s ex wife and they often go out to dinner etc. its like a stab in the heart to FI and insulting to me being that he is marrying someone else.

she is rotten to the core and i am thrilled to pieces that they are not talking, although i often prompt Fi to call his mother because i know her absense bothers him.

 

[Deelight]

I have a lovely FMIL nice as they come she is very nice and considerate, she gets on my nerves on the odd occasion but I am sure I grate on hers to - human nature and all that jazz. His dad is pretty cool on the odd occasion he is even funny. He has his moments where he can irritate (usually me more often then his other family members because he doesn't always think before he speaks) but he means well so I overlook that, people are not perfect and I am far from it.

As FIL's go they could be worse, so I count myself pretty lucky that they are nice, normal and easy going . I like them and I am fairly certain they like me, at least I think they do LOL.

 

[Cleopatra]

I love MIL and FIL - they are fantastic people and I can surely see where DH gets his values and sense of humor

We live about 1 and 1/2 hours away from them, so we see them about once a month and we always have a great time visiting....

MIL "works" (i use that term lightly - because she''s only there for the discount - hehe!) at an awesome kitchen store and just LOVES to send DH and I more Le Creuset pots/pans/bakeware to add to our ever-growing collection - who COULDN''T love this woman! ha!

 

[777_LDY]

Thanks Amber and Bizou. I know I haven''t even explained myself, but just that you acknowledged somehow helped. That and a couple glasses of wine...

Reading these post I can relate to some, and I am also envious of all the wonderful relationships. I wish I had a better relationship with my in laws. They only tend to like me if things are going there way, but the moment I say something won''t work for me/us (which is rare) they (especially my MIL) will ignore me until I do something to make it better like apologize or something. It doesn''t matter if I haven''t done anything wrong or even if they have done something to deliberately hurt me.

For example: I was having a birthday party for one of my children at my house. My MIL came into my kitchen as I was pulling out food and trying to get everything out on the table to feed 50 people. She was upset because she said one of my children''s friends was trying to steal the $100 bill that she had given him (he was turning 7, why would you give him a $100 bill in front of his friends and not expect his friends to be curious...). I asked her what child she thought was trying to take the $ and told her not to worry about it, that child''s mother was here and I would speak to my son when I had the chance. NO BIG DEAL right. She was PISSED that I didn''t drop what I was doing to put the $ that she shouldn''t have given to him in the first pace away. How could I just drop what I was doing? I had a 100lbs of food up to my ears!!!

She wouldn''t speak to me for WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She caused such a problem in my marriage that my husband wouldn''t talk to either of us and decided to take a mini vaca all my himself!!!!

She can be very rude too. When I planned my son''s Christening I went all out. My in laws are from another country and Christening and like weddings. I would have preferred to have a small something, instead I chose a venue, picked the flowers, decorations, invitations, favors, you name it... I decided that I did not want a band so I hired a piano player instead and had a small dance floor placed in the room. What does she say to me when it''s all over, "Oh I didn''t think it would be this nice." Ummmm, thanks, I think??????

I still can''t even talk about what happened over this past holiday.

 

[Pandora II]

Wow 777 LDY you certainly have monsters-in-law.

I''ve always been very lucky even with ex bf''s parents, but my sister has the MIL and FIL from hell, so I can understand some of what it is like.

Anytime my sister has to see them results in my doing free therapy over the phone afterwards. Sadly they live in another country so when they visit it''s at least a week of them.

Her MIL''s biggest problems:

- My sister breastfeeds her babies (MIL doesn''t like this and thinks it''s disgusting)
- My sister insists that her kids are in carseats in the car - MIL wants to hold them on her lap.
- She thinks my sister is paranoid for wanting MIL''s dog to be caged when the kids are around (after my then 2 year-old niece ended up with severe bite marks to her face when the dog attacked.
- Hates my sister''s cooking, and thinks that her son should be waited on hand and foot and so complains when he does the cooking (despite the fact that he LIKES to cook).

They are ghastly. My parents paid for the whole of my sisters wedding and yet they went around telling everyone at the wedding how much it had cost THEM and their son (my father expected him to pay for the marriage licence), and never once said thank you to my parents or anything.

My sister was thrilled that when they arrived this Christmas her MIL swopped down on their daughter who is now 4 and tried to cover her with kisses. My niece went crazy and screamed till she was put down. For the rest of the week if MIL went near her she just turned round and said ''Go away, I don''t like you''.

No doubt my sister will be blamed, but she said it was worth it just for the look on MIL''s face.

 

[Sabine]

It''s so interesting hearing everyone''s stories, on all sides of the spectrum!

My relationship with my il''s is pretty much in the middle. We definitely get along and I like spending time with them, but it is still very awkward. At first I thought it was just me being nervous that made it that way, but after 6 years of knowing them, I still feel it''s very awkward. When I am there, they steer the conversation towards things that interest dh but that I cannot possibly partake in, like the people he knew growing up and what they are up to know, their family friends that I have never met, etc. When I try to join in by asking questions, they give me quick, one-word answers, and dh usually just fills me in himself. Also, when dh and I are there, they will talk quietly among themselves about stuff, which makes me feel really uncomfortable. And then at other times, they go too far out of their way to be nice to me, and it makes me feel even worse. Like this holiday, one night I was trying to clean up my own dishes, and I asked if the dishwasher was clean or dirty. It was dirty, so I put my dishes in. Then, the next morning, I was up before everyone, and being preggo, needed to eat. So I had cereal, and put my dirty dishes in the dishwasher. But once everyone was up, I realized the dishwasher had been run overnight, so I put my dirty dishes in with the clean ones. As soon as I realized, I let them know, apologized, and went to try to find my dirty dishes to take them out and wash whatever they had gotten dirty. I could tell FIL was annoyed, but he wouldn''t let me anywhere near the dishes and insisted he wash them all himself. Made me feel totally rotten and like it was a much bigger deal than it was.

I''m also much more direct and upfront about things than they are, so that can make things a bit difficult too, but overall, it''s all little things that I''m hoping will smooth out even more the longer I know them.

 

[777_LDY]

Date: 1/7/2009 9:13:55 AM
Author: Pandora II

Wow 777 LDY you certainly have monsters-in-law.

I do, and it sounds as if your sis does too.

I know my SIL (brother's wife, NOT DH's sister) is my free therapy go to ear. She has been a Godsend to me. What I can't understand is that if my in laws are so religious, then why do they (especially MIL) do things that will cause a wedge in my marriage. We took a vow and that should mean something to them, and I specifically remember our priest saying something to the effect of "all those who are witnessing our marriage should support it..." Of course I can't quote it word for word because my MIL "borrowed" my video and accidentally "LOST!" it... Yeah right.

We didn't have a videographer because we married out of the country and a guest taped it and gave us the ONLY copy.

So here is my drama from this past Christmas. I have GOT to get this off my chest, but be warned, to anyone who reads, it will be long...and confusing.

DH didn't know what I wanted for Christmas because I didn't ask for anything, so he decided to take me to a spa the day after Christmas for the night. He even asked my MIL to babysit, which she rarely does.

My MIL constantly babysits for my SIL, her daughter, which is completely understandable. She has five kids. It really doesn't bother me, but it definitely bothers my DH. The plan was that we would meet her at her house at 2:00 pm.

Now, I must mention that on Christmas day we went to my SIL house. My SIL doesn't really speak to me much. I try and open up to her but it seems as if the relationship is always one sided. I'll tell her things about my children and what they are up to but she will never open up. She will even shush her children IN FRONT of me!!!! One time her daughter was telling me something her brother did and SIL actually PINCHED her! Her kids are afraid to even speak, and not only to just me! Everything is always very secretive. SIL and I are very much alike, same interests, so I could never really understand this, but whatever, she is who she is so I try to dismiss it.

So at Christmas my SIL is asking all kinds of questions like "When will you guys be getting home?" and "Oh, so you are spending the night?" I didn't think much about it, just thought maybe she was trying to be interested, to be nice...

So we are running a little late the day MIL is supposed to babysit. We get there at around 2:15, and guess what, SHE ISN'T HOME! My husband is calling her cell, no answer, finally she picks up and says "I thought I was supposed to meet you at your house, I'm sitting in your driveway!"

DH was pissed, clearly that was not what was planned, so he tells her to come to her house and she tells him it would be easier for us to come back to our house because she is going to take our boys to his sister's. This made him very upset. I was still in the car as he was talking and overheard him tell her no. (I knew then and there without DH saying a word what MIL's plan was). He comes back in the car and tells me to call my mom to watch the boys till his mom finished doing what she needed to do and then she would pick them up. I had no problem with this. Called my mom, and we were all set. We left her house to meet my mom at our house. (we would have just asked my mom to keep them but she had to work the next morning).

Meanwhile we pass his mom on the road. We only live about 15-20 min. apart. We get to our house and I go inside to look at the caller ID because I'm thinking, hmmmmm, if she was sitting in our driveway for 20 min you would think she would call right??? NOPE! My mom shows up first, then about 5 minutes later so does his mom.

Keep in mind, MIL knows we are going to a SPA and have APPOINTMENTS!!!!!!!!

MIL is sitting in our driveway, upset because DH told her that she can't take our children to SIL's. Saying things like, "Why do you have this problem, you guys go to church, you shouldn't have this problem!" WHAT!!!!!!!! What does us going to church have ANYTHING to do with us wanting DH's parents to spend quality time our children. They NEVER see our kids, and if SIL's kids are around my children are always pushed to the side.

For example: When one of my boys turned 2 I started to get ready to sing happy birthday, took the cake out, when all the sudden SIL decided she needed to nurse her perfectly content baby. I called MIL over so she could sing with us because my son was melting down from waiting, crying, and do you know what she said!!!!!!!! She told me to wait because she had to help her daughter nurse her baby!!!!!!! WHAT????? Do you need to hold her other tata to help her nurse!

Mind you, SIL's lets her children attach themselves to her boob so it wasn't like the child was starving. Meanwhile the birthday boy, also her grandchild, was crying!!!!

So anyway, back to the driveway drama, she says (and this is important if you are still reading!) that she only needs to go there for about an hour to give her other grandchildren more presents. Umm, why should my children have to watch his cousins open up more presents????? But we tell her no and tell her to go do what she needs to do, my mom will drop them off at 5:00. That gives her 2 1/2 hrs to spend at her daughters and grandchildren.

DH and I FINALLY make it to the spa, go for our first appointment and everything seems to melt away, until our oldest son calls us to tell us that MIL didn't get home till near 7:00 pm! WTF?? So DH gets pissed again, as do I, ruining what was supposed to be my Christmas present. THEN we find out that she wasn't just going over there for 1 hour, but SIL was having a big party that she had planned on Christmas day, which is why she happened to be asking me all those questions about when we were going to get home!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I thought she was just trying to be NICE!!!!!!!!!!!

WTF???? Why not just freaking tell us that you are going to throw another party and would like our kids to come??? I don't understand. It would not, and should not have been a big deal, why be so secretive and lie to our face over something so stupid a pointless??

The next day MIL is not speaking to us. Monday rolls around and she is still not speaking to us. DH happens to work with his parents (ugh) in a very high stress job and I hate to see him so upset so I decided to call my SIL to talk.

This is how that goes... I told her that her mom wasn't speaking to us and I asked her why, if she was planning something, could she not just say something to us. I said that DH just wanted our boys to spend quality time with her parents and that I just wanted to be open with her. I didn't want there to be any animosity.... and do you know what she says back to me!!!!!!!! "Then don't create it." WHAAAAAATTTTTT!!!! UGH!!!!!!! How the f*** could I create something that I didn't even know about???????????????????????????????

I thought my head was going to explode so I said, "J., you shush your children IN FRONT of me, what makes you think that I would be okay with my children going to your house? That is when she called me "sick in the head" and told me never to call her again. I said NO PROBLEM and hung up.

But really, why should I be okay with my children going over to her house so she can ask them all different types of question and look like the good "auntie" when she won't let me have a relationship with her children. I would never have the opportunity to reciprocate, and that hurts. I love her children too!

I called DH freaking out and hyperventilating and he agreed that I did absolutely nothing wrong. He knew that they lied to us.

So now, DH's ENTIRE family will no longer speak to me and DH has decided to take another vaca., meaning he's NOWHERE to be found!!!!! Which also means that he decided not to go to work. And I am being blamed for everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear, I didn't even know that his mom was going to babysit. I wasn't even the one to say that our children couldn't go to SIL's house. I only had one intention when I called SIL and that was to make things better for my husband.

DH called me from work before he decided not to come home and just simply said that I need to make things better, for him??? Make WHAT better?? I don't even know why they were ignoring me to begin with????????????

I am so upset that he could even ask that of me after he knows the extent of what happened. (I did try and write the short version...)

zhuzhu, I am sorry if your thread was not meant for this kind of venting. I wanted to start my own thread, but just couldn't. Thank you though for giving me this opportunity. I really needed it, I just wished I felt better.

 

[Pandora II]

Gosh, that does sound rather dire.

To be honest the thing that worrys me the most is that your husband is taking these ''vacations'' rather than putting on his boy boy pants and sorting out HIS family. Leaving you literally holding the baby is neither fair nor appropriate adult behaviour.

He and you need to be a team, and that team has to decide whether to cut these toxic people out for a while, or to face them head on.

Have you considered going for counselling together?

I know my sister really struggled when her husband didn''t stand up for her - as soon as they had children the in-laws started to do things like send cards to Tom, Katie and Fred (names changed) leaving her off entirely and just having her husband and kids names on them - and he never said a word.

My BIL did nothing except punish my sister for the fact that there wasn''t total harmony. A lot of it was his own dislike of his parents and inability to deal with this on a concious level. My sister is way more conciliatory and forgiving than I am, and didn''t lay the law down for quite some time - she was also devastated that her husband wasn''t putting her feelings first and both defending her and laying down ground rules with his side of the family.

 

[777_LDY]

Date: 1/7/2009 12:02:03 PM
Author: Pandora II
Gosh, that does sound rather dire.

To be honest the thing that worrys me the most is that your husband is taking these ''vacations'' rather than putting on his boy boy pants and sorting out HIS family. Leaving you literally holding the baby is neither fair nor appropriate adult behaviour.

He and you need to be a team, and that team has to decide whether to cut these toxic people out for a while, or to face them head on.

Have you considered going for counselling together?

I know my sister really struggled when her husband didn''t stand up for her - as soon as they had children the in-laws started to do things like send cards to Tom, Katie and Fred (names changed) leaving her off entirely and just having her husband and kids names on them - and he never said a word.

My BIL did nothing except punish my sister for the fact that there wasn''t total harmony. A lot of it was his own dislike of his parents and inability to deal with this on a concious level. My sister is way more conciliatory and forgiving than I am, and didn''t lay the law down for quite some time - she was also devastated that her husband wasn''t putting her feelings first and both defending her and laying down ground rules with his side of the family.

Pandora, I know exactly what you are saying on all accounts. DH promised me that we would be a team on this. I knew this was going to happen and I told him that eventually his mom would speak to him, yet still ignore me, again. I saw this coming because this has happened in the past so many times, but this time he knew I was not at fault. He promised he would stick by me. I guess it was just too much for him.

Come New Year''s he called his parents to wish them a Happy New Year. His father answered, his mother ignored the phone call and "hopped in the shower." I said Happy New Year to FIL. She never called us back like any normal person would so he decided to call her back later that day. His father had to track her down just so that DH and our boys could speak to her... I told DH I didn''t want to talk (before he actually called) and to her that just showed disrespect. Like I was the one that was fighting and that''s when the tables got turned on me. I was blamed for being the one to fight. I just couldn''t stomach speaking to her.

Why should I have to grovel to speak to her. She is ignoring me for something I had no part it... DH became upset with me. He says that I let these problems effect our marriage. I just don''t see how...

I can''t just bounce back and say it all didn''t happen. They deliberately lied to us, and used my children in the process.

We have done counseling, and any therapist we have seen agrees that his family should not behave like this, and that he should be a team with me. But my DH stands firm that because he has to work with these people. He knows they will not change. He somehow feels we should do anything and everything, even if it means sacrificing my own feelings, to make them happy. I think a part of that whole reasoning is because of their heritage. Parents are held in the highest respects. I get that, and trust me, I certainly respect them, but I shouldn''t have to be kicked by them when they have already gotten me down. I not the same nationality as they. I guess you could call me a "melting pot mutt." I knew when we married that they were disappointed but somehow I thought that they would learn to love me if I just continued to try with them.

I am good to their son. I have seen him through some very difficult situations. You would think that they would see that, but instead they blame me for any problems he may have, or that they may have with him. Like somehow if he married differently all their lives would be better.

He doesn''t want to do counseling anymore because he became tired of hearing that his parents were partially at fault and he also needed to work on this.

Trust me when I say I am only scratching the surface right now. I could go on and on and on...

I see two things happening right now to get this to a resolve.

1. He will come back home settle things with his parents so they are no longer upset that he missed work. They will continue to ignore me until they have to see me in public, to which they will pretend like nothing ever happened.

or 2. He will come home and continue to blame me.

I don''t know if my nerves can handle the latter...

 

[Bia]

Oh my gosh...777_LDY, Im really sorry.

Although I am not married (just engaged , nor do I have kids, I just want to say that this story in particular (as well as some of the others I''ve read) makes me so sad. Much of it sounds like family holding grudges (which is sooo stupid), as well as miscommunication. Im so sorry that some of you ladies are going through this. I am having a problem in my family too...misunderstandings and hurt feelings mostly, but at least its with my family. I can''t imagine having these problems with in-laws

I hope situations do get better, for those having a rough time.

 

[777_LDY]

Thank you Bia. I am not the type to hold a grudge, I just needed a little time on this one because I was so hurt. I am a firm believer that anything can get resolved with communication (which is why I called my SIL to begin with). I hope your trouble with your family gets resolved quickly.