Cold Feet? (WARNING: LONG POST!)

[aphisiglovessae]

Ok Ladies...

I'm having major issues right now, and I need some input (hopefully it won't be like last time). I don't even know where to begin....

For starters, the wedding is pretty much planned and we have five months left. All I really have to do is all the crafty things, like making the centerpieces, the flower arrangements, the invitations, the jewelry, the garters and my blusher veil. All I really need to do is find a baker for the cake. I'll be sure to start a thread sometime to show you all what I've accomplished (if you're interested).

It just seems that these past couple of months have been really bad between me and my fiance. Who's fault? I believe mine, mostly (90%). It just seems that I get so irritated with him very quickly (we're talking in a matter of minutes or seconds). I mean, all he has to do is breathe, and I get pissed off at him. I haven't been looking forward to his phone calls because it feels like our conversations are exactly the same every time. Things that he talks about that used to interest me, no longer interests me at all. I'm just feeling plain tired of hearing about his saltwater tank, his boss talking on her cell phone all day and trying to get her get-rich quick schemes to work, his hunt for a roommate (which he finally found, yippee.), the damn yard (he loves gardening... I used to!) and our financial situations before and after the wedding. I never want to go to his house anymore and I don't really look forward to him coming over to my apartment. We can't talk for one minute without me snapping at him for some reason. It's like he's crawled under my skin and I can't stand it! And the sex? I won't go there.... Let's just say I haven't been interested nearly as much as I used to.

I started realizing what was happening about a month ago and I thought I could talk to my parents about it. I told them that it seems like I'm bored already. I told them how bad I've been treating him and that I'm very confused because this isn't the kind of person I am at all. I've never been one to get mad easily. My mom mentioned that I might be getting cold feet. We didn't go very far into the conversation at the time....

Well, it got worse. I started snapping and yelling at him more, phone conversations consisted of me going "uh-huh" and "yep" and nothing else, I hardly ever come over to his house anymore and I don't pay much attention when he comes over. I started getting really worried and confused because I KNOW I love him, but it just seems that I didn't want any contact with him anymore. I tried talking to him about it one night, but we didn't go very far in depth because we were out having a good time and I think he just wanted to cherish it. The next day I turned to my parents again, but this time we spent a long time trying to figure this out. I explained to them more in detail about how I've been acting towards him. In his defense, I told them that he doesn't really do anything to deserve the treatment I've been giving him. I honestly don't think he's treating me any differently than he did two years ago (other than the usual things that change when a couple gets "comfortable").

Here's what I got from them:

Mom: She thinks that maybe I'm getting cold feet and I'm subconsciously trying to come up with some excuse or reason to call off the wedding. She says that I've never really been the kind of girl to settle-down completely, and the thought of something so permanent could be scaring me. She said that when I used to live with my ex, it was always me getting treated badly, and not me treating my ex badly. She tried to figure out what the difference was between the two relationships (even though she hated comparing him to the ex and bringing it up to me) and the only thing she could come up (besides my ex being a huge ass and my fiance not being a huge ass) with was the fact that the wedding is planned and almost definite now, whereas it was up in the air with my ex (we changed dates like 10 times). That strengthened her "cold feet" theory.

Dad: He thinks that it's just plain stress. Stress over the wedding, stress over this job I'm trying to get, and financial stress.. He also thinks maybe I'm also resenting the fact that he hasn't helped me much with the wedding and that what little he has helped me with, took him forever to do. He suggested that I take a break from the wedding stuff (for at least a week), try not to think about the job possibility, and spend as much quality time with him, to see if that helps a little. He also mentioned that I should probably try the "count to 10" strategy they use in anger management, to give me time to think before I react. This is because I told him I realize what I'm doing or what I did was wrong, but when I realize it, the damage had already been done. He also thinks that I never really dated around enough and that fact's affecting me too (kinda like mom's cold feet theory).

They both suggested I talk to him and see what he thinks... So that night I dragged myself over to his house, puffy-eyed and all. I told him everything I told my parents and he just sat there listening (which is a first). When I got done, he put in his two cents. He agreed that things have been very unhappy lately and he has been very lost and confused as to the cause. He said that sometimes he does say or do something that deserves a punch in the face, but majority of the things I yell at him or snap at him for, he has no clue what he did. He said it seems that I'm mad at him before I even see him. He says I act like I don't want him to be around me or even touch me. He truly thought I hated him for some reason. He basically said he's really worried to hear all of this, but he's glad I told him.

He asked me what I plan on doing about it, but I really don't know. Until I figure out why I'm like this, I can't plan a solution. I want to know what you ladies think might be my problem. I REALLY LOVE HIM and the last thing I want to do is lose him and call off the wedding (I'm still very excited about it) . I feel like the worst person in the world for treating him the way I do, and I want it to stop NOW! There's probably more stuff that I'm forgetting to mention, but this is the main part of it (it's impossible to type the whole story, no matter what the subject is).

Help please and be gentle.

 

[aljdewey]

Read this; I really think it will help.

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/confessions-of-a-bride-to-be.26297/

 

[Mara]

Here is what I think.

It is VERY scary to think about tying your life to one person forever. I think every one of us married gals has been there and done that. I was SO excited when we got engaged, it was what I wanted, I knew he was the one (after a relationship where I REALLY knew the guy wasn't the one I was SO sure about Greg) and when he finally realized it I was ecstatic. Then we got engaged and suddenly I was the one going HOLY SHIT and he was the one really excited and Gung Ho.

However I held fast to the thoughts and feelings I had had before the cold feet episode and knew I was doing the right thing. Your mind can play tricks on you big time when something called forever is in front of you. You second guess yourself and I can see that easily turning into behavioral things in order to try to test things.

Maybe subconciously you are trying to push him away in some effort to see if he REALLY loves you and will put up with you regardless of how you are treating him. Maybe not, but I tend to think that things like what you describe are a mixture of a few things. Cold feet/fear of the future and making a wrong decision, possibly trying to protect yourself and your heart by pushing him away, but subconciously thinking want him to fight for you and stick around and maybe prove himself as 'good for the long haul' in the process.

It's very hard to armchair shrink but I also really would recommend getting couples therapy and doing pre-marriage therapy. It's something we did not do and I wish we had...because everyone who has ever done it really raves about it and how it teaches you communication and how to really get mentally ready for the future.

One thing I read about back when I was having my mini-mental freakout was that I found this article, I wish I had kept it but I didn't and now I can't find it again. But it was about cold feet and it said something like ... people have a really hard time thinking about marriage (not the wedding or the fun stuff, but marriage) because it means more 'responsibility'. No longer are you just responsible for yourself and taking care of yourself and making yourself happy...but you will become responsible for someone else, becoming a part of something larger than just you. It's alot of pressure to officially take on the title of 'wife' or 'husband' mentally. The article also went through people not thinking they are 'good enough' to be that other reliable person. Not that they would say straight out 'oh i dont feel good enough' but rather a secret niggling little fear that says gosh am I really going to be a wife? am i really reliable and responsible enough to be trusted with someone's heart and their life forever? am i going to be a good wife? what does it really mean?. It was a great article and it really spoke to me and it made me feel so much better. I wish I could find it again. It basically said to trust your heart and what is inside.

So my last comment is to tell you to really stop and remember what it felt like before you got engaged, and when you got engaged. How much you loved each other, how excited you were. If you were sure then, you are sure now somewhere deep inside under the 'right now' stuff that is happening. But yes it's not fair to him what you are doing and that's why I also really suggest the therapy...it's easy to love someone and really want to be with them but marriage and the thought of forever is very hard. I will tell you that we have been married almost 2 years and sometimes we still struggle with getting things right with the 'day to day' stuff. But we love each other deeply and I know it all just works itself out if you stick with it and try and we do have our ups and downs. But part of what I think you both could really benefit from here is working with an impartial third party and having them help you figure out your issues and prepare you for the 'marriage'.

ETA I see Al already added the thread about this previously so hopefully I wasn't too redundant!

 

[Caribou]

Date: 2/8/2006 4:01:38 PM
Author:aphisiglovessae

I REALLY LOVE HIM and the last thing I want to do is lose him and call off the wedding (I'm still very excited about it) .

I think this says alot about what's going on. Even though he annoys the heck out of you, you aren't doubting that you love him and want to marry him. I think it's more stress..rather cold-feet. Cold feet, to me, is saying that you aren't sure you want to marry him....but obviously you are.

Both mom and dad make good points. If you are really independant it's probably hard for you to imagine being 'tied down' to one thing for life. And if your EX treated you badly, that could still be bringing up issues. When you go from being treated poorly to being treated like a queen it takes some getting used. I'm the same way, I still am shocked at the things that my FI does for me because no one I ever dated would have gotten up to get me a glass of water!!!!

I think your dad is correct, take a break from wedding planning. Don't talk about wedding anything to anyone!!!!!! Go out and spend some quality time with your FI.

Good luck!

 

[Jelly]

Both your parents have good points. I admire the fact that you are aware of what''s going on and are seeking help for making changes for the better. Good for you!

I second the idea of getting some professional help. You''re very stressed right now with your new job, finances and the wedding. Try to take a breather and step away from it all (if possible), just to clear your head.

Best of luck! Keep us updated on how things are working out.

 

[AmberWaves]

I don''t think it''s cold feet, either. I read in one of the bridal magazines I have here, that a majority of couples fight more in the time PLANNING the wedding, than they ever did before. It passes, except for rare cases. It''s a stressful time, and the fact that he''s not helping you out more is escalating your stress/snappiness towards him. It''s common. Don''t worry about it, and I agree with what your dad said, count to 10. Remember the things that made you say "Yes". Make sure you''re not excited about just the wedding, but the fact that you''re marrying HIM. And why you''re not doing it just for the big party.

 

[CareBear]

You are probably just under a lot of stress. Wedding planning for one is a lot work! I''m 3 months away from my wedding and I find myself getting annoyed easily in general these days. There would be days where I''m really into the wedding and other days where I just wish we didn''t have to have a wedding at all. Perhaps you are taking out your stress on him? Also, dating and engagements are all fun until reality kicks and you have to think about the rest of your life and that part is SCARY! Maybe you need to spend some time away from "reality". Take a short vacation (if you finances permits you) with your girlfriends, or with your mom, or even with your fiance. And like Caribou said, no wedding planning for a while! This period of time is stressful for every girl, you''re not alone. Hang in there!

 

[kittykat]

I highly reccommend reading "The Conscious Bride". You''ll find that these feelings are natural and it shows you how to get through the whole engagement period emotionally-not just the wedding planning. I suggest that all bride to be''s read it.

 

[decodelighted]

Everyone''s had good advice for you and that "cold feet" thread was awesome. I''d just like to add that I think the whole wedding planning thing happening at the same time you''re up for a "big job" is complicating things more than you''re realizing. Those are two of life''s most stressful things happening at the SAME time. Usually your "cup" is more full & you have more to give in terms of patience and respect and love (& sex) to your Fiance ... but recently you''ve been running a little empty ... less to give & you''re snapping at him & trying to withdraw. Some of this is maturity (not saying you''re immature ... but learning to deal with stress in a way that you don''t "take it out on others" is a skill you could def. learn more about through individual counseling, self-help books etc... but not a quick fix ... and something almost everyone goes through in the maturing process.)

Overall, sounds pretty natural. Try to find ways to destress & remember what you love about your honey. Remember he''s going through stress too now so be gentle with each other. Good luck on the job stuff! And hang in!!

 

[aphisiglovessae]

I have a couple of minutes before my next class and no one is here at work, so I thought I''d hang out and post.

Thanks to everyone for their advice and input. It''s really comforting to know that this is somewhat normal and common, and that I''m not nuts. I checked out that thread that aljdeway posted. That was a good find!! I''ll also stop by Books a Million sometime this week to look at that "Conscious Bride" book.

I just feel terrible. I didn''t know I could treat someone I love so much, so badly. I''m sure he''s spent countless times wondering why he''s with me and whether he should continue or not. I actually applaud him for sticking with me, and not dumping my butt cuz I''m a biatch. Makes me realize even more what a good guy he is. I think I should cook him a nice dinner sometime soon....

 

[Scintillating]

My suggestion:
Relax, slow down and try to spend some time together.
No wedding talk allowed.
No work talk either.
No cell phones.
Try to reconnect.
Maybe a weekend away?

It's wonderful that's you're thinking about how to resolve this this - and trying to deal with it head on. Thumbs up!

Scintillating...

 

[selflove]

You''re not alone!

I''ve been going through this also recently and it''s just the day to day stress of life, plus the stress of wedding planning and prep, that makes me snappish and bitchy.

We took a vacation to China together for the xmas/new years holiday, about 10 days all togehter, and we got along so well! We just had the best time and totally rekindled our love for each other, just enjoyed each other''s company, and laughed and laughed more than we had in the longest time, and we communicated so well. It was blissful!! It made me realize that all the bitchiness I send toward him is more my issue than it is about him.

I definitely agree with Mara''s suggestion to get pre-marital counseling. That''s something we are looking into now.

Good luck and hang in there!

 

[Mara]

funny addition...when we go out now for dinner or travel greg says it is just like we are dating again, aka no cares in the world, but when we are in the house together or experiencing regular just day to day life it''s not as FUN as it used to be because now there is more responsibility and just day to day stresses aka from work or whatever going on. it''s a good thing we get out alot!!

 

[sunkist]

Everyone is giving great advice. I too strongly suggest that you two go see a pre-marriage counselor. I think you will both benefit from it. There was a book I read once called Finding the Love of Your Life (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0671892010/sr=1-1/qid=1139443196/ref=pd_bbs_1/104-7259785-9619940?%5Fencoding=UTF8) and yes I know that you have already found him, but it has a lot of important things to think about before marriage. This author is a pre-marriage counselor and he talks about a lot of couples'' situations that could have been helped if they''d gone to a counselor to talk it out. Another book I read and really enjoyed was Dr.Laura Schlessinger''s book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Now I know some people cannot stand her, but I think she is great - she stands up for healthy families. I read the book and honestly it was very helpful and insightful! Even if it doesn''t explain to you why you are acting this way, I''m sure it will help you to get back on track to an open and loving relationship!

Focus on him. Let him know that you respect him and honor him. Show your love through words and actions. Maybe if your current couple hobbies are not fun to you anymore, find a new hobby for the both of you! Wishing you two luck and happieness!!

 

[aljdewey]

OK.....now the flip side. Yes, it''s normal, and yes, most brides go through it.....but you still need to determine if it''s just natural, pre-wedding, everyone-goes-through-it wedding jitters, or if it''s really something more.

Now is the time to really reflect on this choice, and if you really think it''s the RIGHT one for you. (This isn''t to you personally, Aphi, but to anyone in this situation.) Are you really sure this is what you want? Have you become so carried away at the motion of "THE WEDDING" that you''ve lost sight of the marriage? Are you getting married right now because ''it''s what I''m supposed to do next''? Are you getting married because everyone else your age is, and you fear getting left behind? Are you worried about how it will look if you change your mind? Have you dated enough to really know this is what you want?

These are all questions that are key in helping you determine if it''s just normal jitters or if it''s something more. An overwhelming portion of the time, it''s just normal jitters as you''ve read from so many. But in a few cases, it was more. Two ladies I know (one is the mother of my MOH and the other is the mom of my old roommate) both went through pretty painful divorces; each has said she had misgivings prior to the wedding but didn''t ultimately listen to her instincts.

Several have given really good advice....planning a wedding (even a small one) can be ridiculously stressful, and it can make us grow horns! Step away from it, have an easygoing weekend with him, and see if that doesn''t help.

Last thought....Mara mentioned this: "I will tell you that we have been married almost 2 years and sometimes we still struggle with getting things right with the ''day to day'' stuff. But we love each other deeply and I know it all just works itself out if you stick with it and try and we do have our ups and downs."

I have to emphatically agree with her on this.....so know that the communication glitches don''t miraculously stop after the wedding. There are times when my husband and I are so "in sync" with each other, it''s like a finely choreographed intricate dance and we just fit together. Then there are times when we cannot even say "good morning" to each other without creating tension, and I just wonder in those times HOW we got here when things were going to smoothly before!

There is an ebb and flow to relationships, and there are times that getting along is blissfully easy, and other times where getting along seems just feels impossible........and you end up going shopping by yourself for a few hours so you don''t kill each other. What I''m finding now (a year and a half into the game) is that we''re getting better at knowing how to cope with each other''s moods and idiocyncracies. We are learning ways to not take each other''s grouchy moods personally. The gaps between highs and lows is stabilizing over time, and we''re getting more skilled at communicating through it when we aren''t in sync. It really is rewarding when you are with the partner who is committed to doing that with you.

Good luck.

 

[lmurden]

First things first, don''t do anything rash! Talk to your fiancé and tell him how you feel and what you are going through and hopefully he will understand. Also I think you are behaving normal. Remember planning a wedding and starting a new life with someone can be scary and stressful. I definitely think that you should take a break from the wedding planning and just live life. I hope everything works out for you.

 

[HOUMedGal]

I don''t really have much advice to add to the sage advice already posted by the other ladies, but I just wanted to say that I''m thinking about you and sending thoughts of peace and contentment your way!

 

[marvel]

Date: 2/8/2006 4:01:38 PM
Author:aphisiglovessae


They both suggested I talk to him and see what he thinks... So that night I dragged myself over to his house, puffy-eyed and all. I told him everything I told my parents andhe just sat there listening (which is a first).When I got done, he put in his two cents. He agreed that things have been very unhappy lately and he has been very lost and confused as to the cause. He said that sometimes he does say or do something that deserves a punch in the face, but majority of the things I yell at him or snap at him for, he has no clue what he did. He said it seems that I'm mad at him before I even see him. He says I act like I don't want him to be around me or even touch me. He truly thought I hated him for some reason. He basically said he's really worried to hear all of this, but he's glad I told him.

I think this says alot and reminds me of the Mars and Venus book, which might be a good book for you and FI to read. Men don't listen well, and women need communication to bond. Maybe you're getting annoyed cuz he's just not sitting down and listening to you. Maybe he just needs to listen to you a bit more. All the best to you....I'm sure everything will be fine. We all go through this in our r/l.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Okay, I am very hesitant to reply because of past history, but here it goes...

First of all I am very sorry you are having these problems. I can tell from your post that you feel horrible about it. I think it is really positive that you are talking about it (especially with your FI) but I agree with Al. I really think you should see a neutral third party (therapy). pre-marriage therapy sounds like that could be very helpful as well but I think you may need some sessions alone (since you are saying you think these are your issues).
Secondly, I also agree not to do anything rash. 5 months is still a long time (I am only a month behind you and have 6 months but I can not relate to these feelings, yet anyways...). I would take the next couple months to really think about it. Some other posters asked some wonderful questions you need to consider. Is this just cold feet? Just stress? Is it more? Don''t ignore your feelings. The important thing is toy love each other. Good luck. Know that you can always vent here (Thank goodness for Pricescope!) We are all here to give advice and support.

 

[Scintillating]

Maybe you could schedule out some you and Drew time each week.
Take a ballroom dance class together - have a "date" night - a do nothing together night - etc.

Scintillating...

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 2/8/2006 4:10:41 PM
Author: aljdewey
Read this; I really think it will help.

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/confessions-of-a-bride-to-be.26297/

This was EXCELLENT...I plan to get the books recommended for my son who is engaged and his future bride...

These feelings are so true and honest and normal...If you didn''t feel this way, to me it would say that you aren''t thoroughly thinking how serious marriage is, but you are. That is something to commend you for. Definitely spend some well earned time with you FH without any wedding talk. You will be so glad you do.

Good luck and best wishes to you both!

 

[LuvThatBling]

You poor thing. I can tell from your post how heart wrenching this is for you. I admire you for going to your parents & then to your fiance and seeking advice & being honest.

I think your dad''s advice is dead on. Planning a wedding was very, very stressful for me. I almost called off the wedding because DH didn''t want to elope & the planning (and more specifically, my mother and mother-in-law) was driving me CRAZY. I would follow dad''s advice, take some time off from thinking about the wedding, and try to reconnect with your fiance. Besides just the wedding, trying to deal with all of the changes a marriage brings causes a lot of stress/anxiety. I remember that DH & I were trying to come up with a household budget, a place to live, shopping for furniture, registering for gifts, etc. Setting up a life with someone is a LOT of work.

I also remember some thoughts of cold feet. Not because I didn''t love DH or didn''t think we''d have a good life together, but because sharing your life with someone is HUGE. I think it''d be kinda reckless not to have some second thoughts about it and I think it''s perfectly natural to a point. Now, if it reaches the point, like I''ve seen with brides before, where they are crying on their wedding (and I mean sobbing, and not happy tears), and have to be drug down the aisle, then it''s a real problem.

If that doesn''t fix it, I would see a marriage counselor and consider calling off/postponing the wedding. Hopefully, it won''t reach that point. Let us know how it goes for you.

 

[bar01]

During our pre-marriage counseling at the church, they brought in several married couples who had been married, had kids, and made it through some rough times to talk to us. I remember one conversation very clearly - the wife said to our group “You know - I love my husband dearly, but there are times when I really don't like him much” and her husband just nodded his head and said “Ya - that happens to me to”. I can't tell you how relieved I was then - and now -that it was normal for me to occasionally feel that way to.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Date: 2/8/2006 11:59:45 PM
Author: Scintillating
Maybe you could schedule out some you and Drew time each week.

Take a ballroom dance class together - have a ''date'' night - a do nothing together night - etc.


Scintillating...

We try to do the date night thing at least once a week. I guess we need to up that number a little. As for ballroom dancing, he totally refuses. He''s such a terrible dancer that he said he didn''t want to embarrass us in front of professionals (since I used to be a professional). So, we''re just going to practice at home and I''m going to attempt to teach him. Ha Ha, that''s another pound of stress.

 

[Odilia]

I can''t add much to all the other advice here, but just want to second what aljdewey and others said, try to make sure whether it really is just cold feet or not. Ask yourself those questions she mentioned, and if in the end it turns out that it wasn''t just cold feet but your instincts telling you something, better to break up an engagement than a marriage. And keep in mind that " I REALLY LOVE HIM" must be a choice that you are making for better or for worse, rather than a feeling. That is, once you are married, you are choosing to stay with him etc., even when your feelings don''t want to. Because feelings will come and go. Hope that helps.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Hmm...that last comment makes me wonder - maybe you need to also give him some practical ideas for things HE can do to make it better. My FI and I often find that this is key in resolving our problems - as men, they want a practical solution to the problem, when sometimes all we want to do is talk it out. But I think both have merits. Maybe you could make a list of things, related to the wedding and otherwise, that he could actually do to make this easier for you. It sounds like agreeing to dance lessons might be one of them.

This won''t solve the larger problem, but it might help relieve a bit of the stress and allow you to have more time and energy to focus on some of the other excellent ideas suggested here.

And I have to say that as a bride-to-be (I am also 5 months away and mostly planned), I am having some of the same feelings of doubting and being overwhelmed. I think the idea of the cup and not having as much to give is especially apt - right now I am in my second year of graduate school and I''m going to take my qualifying exam (probably the hardest and most important thing I will do in graduate school) in 11 days, and right now my FI is more like a sympathetic roommate than anything else - he is trying to be supportive, but I feel like I barely see him or anyone else at all, and that makes me worry, but I''ve promised I''m going to re-think everything after the exam when my head is clear. Anyway, not trying to thread-hijack, just wanted you to know that you are by no means alone.

I wish you the best of luck in finding help with all of this.

 

[sarita]

Aphisig,

I felt compelled to respond to you. I am not experiencing exactly what you are describing, but I feel I really know where you are coming from right now especially with regard to the confusion and second guessing. I am engaged more recently (1 month, 1 day) and while I know I love my fiance and CAN actually see myself spending the rest of my life with him, I do not feel so passionately about him as when I wanted to first get together with him, move in with him, etc. I feel we are great partners and friends, and he is my day-to-day companion that I want to spend my time with but I worry because we don''t seem to have that new-love glow that so many seem to have when they get engaged or are just married that something is wrong with me. Like Mara said I can clearly recall being SO ready to get engaged whereas my fiance did not seem to be in any apparent hurry... and then once it happened it was kinda a letdown. He, on the other hand, was ready to start planning the wedding, and more affectionate/passionate than I have seen him. I got scared big time that maybe because I was not feeling this head-over-heels thing that my gut was trying to tell me this is not the right decision.

That fear has mostly gone away but I still do find myself worrying on occassion if something is "missing". I feel fine and don''t think of it at all most days, honestly, but then I feel like this is the time to be concerned with those doubts, because what''s the point of getting married if you aren''t sure? I worry because the romance has been gone lately, I wonder if I have been with enough people to satisfy my curiosity for the long haul, I wonder if I should be feeling more gaga about HIM (planning a wedding is exciting, but that would only be a distraction if there is a real issue), worst of all I worry if these feelings mean I have fallen out of love. I don''t think I have but I don''t feel they way I thought I would, or should.

I am gonna have to go check out those books recommended on this and the other thread.

I want to that YOU for posting your feelings, and also Aljdewey for the pointed questions she brought up. Seeing them really hit home for me, thinking of my own doubts lately. And thanks to everyone else for sharing their stories and advice. This is a great thread!

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Big Hugs Sarita! Wow, maybe we should have a support group for engaged persons having doubts?

I'm glad you all had such good advice for me and it makes me feel a TON better to hear a lot of the things said. We've been a little better lately, but I know things will not change overnight. The counting to ten is working, but once I count to ten, ten times, then I start getting irate. Last night wasn't very good, but the couple of nights before were a vast improvement. He's also trying very hard to make me feel more wanted and loved. For example, he wanted to cook something together, the other night, and I didn't really want to. I just didn't feel motivated, and didn't really want to go to his place. Instead of saying "Fine, I'll just find something on my own," he said "You know, I really would've loved to have dinner with you." BIG improvement, because he usually says the former. He also has been thanking me for coming over to see him when I do. And if I start acting a little mean, he'll nicely say "calm down sweetie, I didn't do anything" or he'll stop and hug me and ask me what I think he did to make me angry and give me the goofiest little pouty face. I can't stay mad when he makes funny faces at me. So it looks like we're on the road to recovery. The only thing is, how long will this period of trying last? You know how it is, both people try for a little while until things are better, then they go back to their old ways. I don't WANT to do that, but it seems like something that happens without you realizing it.

 

[Morticia]

Aphisiglovessae and Sarita, I am right there with you ladies. I LOVE my FI. I don't have any desire to be with any other guys but sometimes I just feel like something is missing. I was SO ready to be engaged too, and now that I am, I just don't feel overjoyed by anything. Like you Aphisiglovessae, up until a week or so a go, I was just irritated by my FI. Not in the greatest mood towards himi, and he sooooooooooo doesn't deserve that, b/c my FI is one of the nicest guys there is. Pre-Ben I dated nothing but jerks. Men who didn't treat me well at all. Ben has always treated me like gold but the excitement seems to have worn off and it's just day to day. We've decided to get pre-marital counseling so we'll be starting that soon. Like I said, I don't want to be with anyone else. I just wish I didn't feel so irritable and ho hum about things. I don't want to snap at him or treat him badly either. I've been feeling terribly.

Like, WTF is wrong with me???

 

[Mara]

Good for you Morticia on geting the pre-marital counseling.

Sarita and Aphis, seriously feel like it's something that just won't PASS with some time and less stress on yourselves, then please get the pre-marital counseling. It's actually a good way to get a reluctant guy to go because it's encouraged by churches, parents etc as well. We didn't go at the time (too busy!) and now Greg would probably never ever want to go to a basic marriage counselor because it's like saying something is WRONG, rather than just trying to be pro-active and ensure we KEEP good communciation etc with some 'tools' they can give us, but if you go BEFORE marriage it's more acceptable somehow. And you still need those same 'tools'.

I hate to say it but marriage can be VERY HARD, harder than dating, harder than being engaged, and it's forever hopefully. So please don't just chalk the feelings up to nothing or just trying a little harder, if you really feel that it could be a long-term issue, get help with how to deal with it and how to address issues in a positive way.

I believe that many times 'love' is not enough....so sometimes you have to supplement with some education and good old fashioned elbow grease if the relationship is worth it to you. Good luck!